12-04-25 - Three Weeks From Xmas Has Us Remembering Our Best Santa Gifts As Kids - Parents Need To Stop Using Elf On The Shelf On A*Hole Kids If There's A Snoop On A Stoop Available For Gilbert Moms

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness (98KUPD)

Episode: 12-04-25 - Three Weeks From Xmas Has Us Remembering Our Best Santa Gifts As Kids
Date: December 4, 2025
Host(s): John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

Main Theme / Purpose

This episode dives into the nostalgia and humor of Christmas memories—especially the childhood magic of believing in Santa—and pokes fun at modern parental tactics like Elf on the Shelf. The crew reminisces about their best Santa gifts, explores the parallels between Santa and religious rituals, and hilariously critiques trends like Snoop on the Stoop. The tone is light, irreverent, and peppered with playful, sometimes edgy banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Santa Nostalgia & The Magic of Childhood (01:21–06:48)

• The hosts reflect on the brief, euphoric period in childhood when Santa feels absolutely real.
• John contemplates how fleeting and formative those Santa-believing years are:

  “Santa’s only good for literally four years. Maybe you don’t remember the first couple... you only got like five total years of Santa bliss before the devastating bomb is dropped.” – John [02:12]

• They liken the annual Santa anticipation to a religious ritual, full of last-minute attempts at goodness before “judgment” (Christmas morning).
• John jokes:

  “It’s better than Jesus… because Santa shows up!” [03:19]
  “If you did a thing in religion where Jesus every once in a while popped by and dropped stuff off... you could manipulate adults for decades.” [03:27]

• The crew laughs at the parental thanklessness as kids credit Santa for gifts while parents foot the bills:

  “Your dad was a truck driver… he drove around, saved money so his stupid kid could have that dumb thing… and then the bills came, and he was back on the road doing extra time.” – John [06:48]

2. Most Memorable Santa Gifts (07:45–13:53)

• The guys each recall their most memorable “from Santa” gifts:
  • Bret: “My Atari… back in the day.” [07:48]
  • Dick: “My Columbia bike… metallic orange with the slick.” [08:09]
  • John: “A sound design turntable... I broke it the first damn day.” [08:52]
    • He also fondly remembers a Snoopy-shaped transistor radio, despite its eventual demise:

      “It stopped working… now it’s just a plastic Snoopy with an antenna.” [13:08]

• The segment is textured by their genuine nostalgia and stories of breaking favorite gifts or pestering parents.

3. Parallels Between Holiday Characters & Religion (04:18–06:39; 19:39–22:33)

• The hosts muse that Christmas is essentially “religion done annually,” unlike a lifelong faith:

  “The whole lifetime is done each year… ‘Have you fixed it? Have you fixed the year?’ So Santa shows up, dropping those prizes off, man—there’s nothing better.” – John [05:04]

• Playfully suggests parents could use Jesus sighting “pranks” to keep kids in line (delivered in an intentionally over-the-top way):

  “You get on a cross and pour blood all over your hands... The kid wakes up and sees it and goes, ‘Oh!’... That kid will do anything you want.” – John [19:39/20:20 (paraphrased)]

• Claims Elf on the Shelf is just “terrifying manipulation tactics”:

  “If I was a parent, I’d have that elf on the shelf up every once in a while in April, just pop him up there and have him in the rooms… Jesus, the elf is here.” – John [18:50/19:14]

4. The Tooth Fairy, Parental Sacrifice, and Sleep (15:54–18:06)

• Jokes about the suffering for Tooth Fairy money—kids bleeding and yanking teeth for a buck.
• Comedic contrast between the deep sleep of kids (blissfully missing the “intruder” Tooth Fairy) and the perpetual insomnia of adults:

  “How good did you used to sleep? That doesn’t wake you. Imagine somebody trying to put their hands under your pillow today—you’d kill them.” – John [16:38]

5. Elf on the Shelf, Snoop on the Stoop, & Modern Parenting Fads (18:45–31:58)

• The crew skewers Elf on the Shelf as manipulative, and escalate the bit with “Snoop on the Stoop”—a Snoop Dogg-themed doll some parents use instead:

  “What’s worse is what—the white families that get the Snoop on the Shelf. What kind of lesson does that teach you?” – Dick [23:06]

• John bluntly calls "Snoop on the Stoop" the "whitest, weirdest thing," lampooning its cultural disconnect:

  “Snoop Dogg’s not even important to black kids... Not anymore. Not at all. Who the hell is that?” – John [29:44]

• Other fads mentioned: “Ozzy on the Shelf,” “Michael Jackson on a shelf,” and the hypothetical “Drake on a Rake,” poking fun at the generational gap in pop culture.
• Critiques the performative hipness of parents who buy trendy versions of Elf on the Shelf:

  “Now there’s a Gilbert mom that has that, and she thinks she is just hilarious because she’s wearing her daughter’s clothes... You’re an idiot.” – John [30:59]

• Bonus satire on "fear of Snoop" and old racial attitudes, handled with sarcastic social commentary.

6. Parent-Child Gratitude & Holiday Realities (Throughout)

• They riff on how kids don’t appreciate or understand all that parents do (Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny).
• John praises Jewish parents for their “credit-taking”:

  “Jews have it figured out. Nobody’s taking credit for those presents but mom and dad... your socks and that dreidel came straight from their pocket.” [28:15]

7. Quick Sidebar on Male Domestic Violence (28:15–29:18)

• John reads an email response to a previous show segment about Shaquille O’Neal and male domestic violence, mixing empathy with dark humor.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Santa:

  “There is nothing more… truly euphoric than thinking someone is coming to drop off a bunch of stuff for you in the middle of the night in this magic sleigh.” – John [03:06]

• On religion and Santa:

  “If they did a thing in religion where Jesus every once in a while popped by and dropped stuff off… you could mentally damage someone into their 60s.” – John [03:27]

• On Tooth Fairy Memories:

  “You’d torture yourself like you were a prisoner of war. Pulling out a tooth, good for a dollar if you were lucky.” – John [16:02]

• Elf on the Shelf Satire:

  “You act like I’m… Oh, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t have kids... You’re doing it already. Not with Jesus though. Yeah, it’s worse. You’re doing it with childhood favorites.” – John [22:12]

• On Snoop on the Stoop:

  “Snoop Dogg’s basically Fred Sanford to your kids, only not funny.” – John [24:07] “Snoop Dogg’s not even important to black kids... Not anymore. Not at all. Who the hell is that?” – John [29:44]

• On Jewish families and honesty at the holidays:

  “Jews have it figured out. Nobody’s taking credit for those presents but mom and dad, your socks and that dreidel came straight from their pocket.” – John [28:15]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Santa & Religion parallels: 01:21–06:48
• Best Santa Gifts Memories: 07:45–13:53
• Tooth Fairy & Sleeping: 15:54–18:06
• Elf on the Shelf & Snoop on the Stoop Satire: 18:45–31:58
• Male Domestic Violence Sidebar: 28:15–29:18

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Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, nostalgic, unapologetically irreverent, blending fond memories with biting sarcasm and cultural satire. The humor is at times edgy, characteristically poking fun at both old traditions and new parenting trends. Beneath the jokes, there’s a genuine warmth for childhood innocence and a playful acknowledgment of how parents create that magic—only to have it credited to someone else.

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This summary captures the jokes, stories, and cultural commentary that make up the heart of this HMS episode, ensuring those who didn’t listen will feel the unique blend of nostalgia, sarcasm, and humor that defines the show.

Transcript

[Brady]

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[John Holmberg]

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[John Holmberg]

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[John Holmberg]

You thought that was funny?

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday, December 4th, 21 days away from the fat man breaking into your home, taking all the credit for all the shopping you did and all the spending you did while those kids praise him and look at you like you're idiots. Anyway, my name's John.

[Brett]

Today's the big day. It's Santa's list day.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. I got to get that together. Otherwise you won't get it. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett. Big Dick Toledo. Vince. It's the morning sickness. Let's go. The list.

[Brady]

Don't. Don't they make it with the elves and stuff? They can make to order. What's going on up there?

[John Holmberg]

It's as confused as the Bible. Let's not get into the details. Just deal with it. There's a lot of holes in the story, but there could be some people up there. You know, it's a very important four or five years of your life to go through the Santa situation.

Santa's only good for literally four, four years. Maybe you don't remember the first couple. And then when you do start to remember, you realize you only got like five total years of Santa bliss before the devastating bomb is dropped. And.

You know, got kids listening right now who are in that. Make your list, get your list together. If you're still making a list. Seek therapy. A lunatic. It's what's wrong with you. Not real. Anyway. It's a totally. You know, that was, that is to me one of the most amazing parts of childhood, the Santa Claus thing. Because I think the, I think back of that and that, that top notch excitement. Pure. Yeah, pure. Just absolute bliss. I mean, you can't find in life. There is nothing more.

I don't know, truly euphoric than thinking that someone is coming to drop off a bunch of stuff for you in the middle of the night in this magic sleigh. Like that is a going to bed the night before.

[Brett]

Forget about it.

[John Holmberg]

It's better than Jesus. You know why it's better than Jesus? Because Santa shows up. You gotta believe. And the other thing, if he, you know, if they did a thing in religion where Jesus every once in a while popped by and dropped stuff off, still couldn't see him, which you could manipulate people's brains at Easter. Oh, he should be the, the face of Easter. And he's really not. He leaves too many blood stains on the carpet, holes in them.

[Brett]

It's messy.

[John Holmberg]

But yeah, I mean if you did a thing in religion where you know, like, well, just randomly prizes, it's, it's, it's God lottery. You could play God lottery all the time and then he'd show up. You could manipulate adults. You could do this to people for you could. You could mentally damage someone into their 60s if you wanted to gaslight them into believing. Jesus loves them so much. Sometimes there's prizes. People would eat it up. It's like, my God, he left me another one. They'd call the news. It would be insane and literally modified Easter.

[Brett]

One time we were talking about and you know, changing that celebration more to the Christmas side where the kids would roll the rock back in there there's.

[John Holmberg]

A presence you gotta have, you gotta have a tangible connection, not just a faith based belief. You start to, you know, start losing people. They start going through the motions. The Santa thing, I was doing pretty much everything and you know, I was a Santa procrastinator. I usually started my quality behavior somewhere around December 7th and 8th once I realized, all right, he's probably in the high time where I can reverse some wrongs here. And basically the same thing you do with religion is towards the end there, you start trying to seek forgiveness and you do things right. You know, I've been a good person. You try to.

[Brett]

And that message is pounded with all the Christmas shows.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah, the cartoons. Last second here at summertime that you were dicking around a little bit. You can still make good for the last three weeks if you start giving to charity and whatever it's like Santa will notice that and retroactively reset you. And that's kind of the basis of the whole thing. It's a. It's. It's religion. Annually done. You know, the whole lifetime is done each year. And then around Christmas, which would represent your death, it would be, have you fixed it? Have you fixed the year yet? So Santa shows up, but dropping those prizes off, man, there's. There's nothing better. And trying to go to sleep and, and sleep. And that's also when you realize you used to sleep better. Like you when you're 4, 5, 7, that age, you could sleep through anything. Your euphoric craziness waiting for if. Right now, if you told me, hey, at about three in the morning, somebody's gonna pop into the house and quietly. Exactly. And I would. Every single thing would wake me. Everything. The air conditioner, the heater, anything clicking. I'm up, I'm looking, is the son of a bitch here? And you would. Any noise when you're a little kid even thinking and believing truly that that's happening, you don't wake up. You are so sound asleep. Your life is. That's the peak of your life, really. You're about five. And then. And then from there on, it's just once. Once mom and dad sit you down and go, hey, there's something we got to tell you about Christmas. From there on, everything is. The illusion has been destroyed. So just. It would be great if we as adults still had that now you could use Jesus. That way we could reset that. If he. If he dropped prizes off, we'd. It would be better.

[Brady]

Now I know why Kurt Vesli was a prick in December. Because some other jerk off is getting credit for driving all his miles in the truck and he gets nothing out of it.

[John Holmberg]

Crushing saving, by the way, your dad was a truck driver. He saved money. He drove around, saved money so his stupid kid could have that dumb thing or he'd be miserable till February that.

[Brady]

He didn't Pay in these goddamn credit card bills.

[John Holmberg]

Paying bills. Here's your stretch arms for. And you're like, santa's the best. Never once said, hey, dad, you know what? And you know what you did? Even when you knew later at one point or another, you're like, you're a dick, dad. Oh, yeah. You never once thought back. Of all the struggles dad went through, all the crap that he went through to get your Christmas in order. So you went, shut up. And then the bills came, and he was back on the road doing extra time. So I got to get rid of Christmas bills. And you never once.

[Brady]

Every one of us did that.

[John Holmberg]

You never once probably said, oh, no, Absolutely not.

[Brett]

Did you get a tiny tool set at one time, Brett?

[Brady]

I'm sure I did. I'm sure I got a play school tool set to start with.

[John Holmberg]

My first plastic bag to put people in.

What was your.

[Brady]

What's your first Tommy gun?

[John Holmberg]

What was your greatest Santa Christmas present? You remember?

[Brady]

Probably my Atari. You remember back in the day?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

26 years.

[John Holmberg]

You're great. Like Santa present.

[Brett]

My dad decked out when I was in the.

Second year of collecting beer cans.

[John Holmberg]

But you didn't know it was. You thought it was Santa. I want your best Santa, not your best Christmas print. Your best Santa one probably.

[Brett]

My Columbia bike. Who said, I remember those metallic orange with the slick. The back bar.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you had the back seat, that big looping thing.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

How insanely 70s was that?

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man.

[Brett]

That's 73.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You were the quintessential 70s boy. And you get this bike, and you look like Santa. He hears me. You go to therapists, and all you want to do is, how do I make it so people hear me? Santa heard you, and it was because you pointed at a picture and you said, I want that. And you got it. Oh, that's great. Mine was a sound design.

Table, receiver, things. It was a turntable all in one. Two speakers, and the speakers slid out from under, and it had this really kind of awesome design. I broke it the first day. I was.

[Brady]

Oh, man.

[John Holmberg]

I broke it the first damn day.

[Brett]

Did it have the fake equalizer on it?

[John Holmberg]

No, we weren't there yet. We didn't have equalizers on our home equipment quite yet.

[Brett]

It was like the lights.

[John Holmberg]

This was probably 76. I was three or four. And I remember my dad, mom. I mean, Santa didn't wrap it. They put a bow on it. Because I wouldn't shut up about wanting that record player. And it was a piece of garbage. I think it came out of the Sears or Spiegel catalog. And that was so cool. It had.

[Brett]

When Amanda from Boston came through those speakers.

[John Holmberg]

Oh and I probably listened to Boston first. That was about the time my dad's like here because it was. I was listening to whatever record. Well no, it was Frampton. Peter Frampton. Probably 77. Peter Frampton because I was a Frampton Comes Alive guy. And I had my own record player because my mom and dad hated that. I used to dig around and they had this big console. It's probably a six foot long piece of furniture.

[Brady]

Weighed about 700 pounds.

[John Holmberg]

And I had to always go ask him because I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to lift the top of it opened up. But it was like 6 million pound.

[Brett]

Piece of it had a pocket for the records.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the side was all records. And I would go in there. I didn't care what it was. I just loved making records work. And then they got me that and they were in a first hour. I'm spinning the record around and I hear. And then I broke whatever keeps the record turned turning or DJ Jazzy Jeff over there. I don't know what I was doing. I also did like because my. My dad probably he's. He's coming to town today. I'll ask him or I'll talk to him today.

Probably.

Had my parents worried that I would always put records on and roll them slowly backwards because I thought that was really cool that you could stairway to heaven backwards. You can make it go.

It was up to you.

Devil is your son. That kind of stuff. And I don't. I wasn't Sweet Satan. I wasn't aware of Sweet Satan. I wasn't aware of the possibilities of stuff I'd hear. I just thought it was hilarious. John holmberg's morning sickness the 98kupd did you know you can opt out of winter with VRBO? Save up to $1,500 for booking a monthlong stay with thousands of sunny homes. Why subject yourself to the cold? Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book now at verbo.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

And I, you know, like you just hear Hot Blooded. Check it and see.

Hot Blooded. And I thought it was cool that I was in control of that. Broke it the first day. But it was such a cool thing. It had these. The speakers couldn't have been more than my thigh high. They might have been a foot and a half. But to me it was huge. And it had these cutouts they were like C shaped, back to back. Like one backwards C and a forward C. And the speaker slid into those holes and you could pull them out like it was a whole deal. And I busted it day one. And I still remember sobbing.

[Brett]

Did they take it back to service merchandise?

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah. That's the thing. I didn't understand that Santa didn't take returns. Yeah, I didn't. Well, you know what's bad about that? Now they think about it. My parents just threw it out. I didn't get another one. They just got rid of it. They broke it. Yeah. You busted it. And there was no. How do you send it back to Sears catalog?

[Brady]

You mean Santa's workshop? You mean.

[John Holmberg]

Right. But I. Yeah, I had. I didn't get a new one. Damn it. That again. That pricks here right now I got a guy. When he wakes up, I might give him a call. Hey, sound design. What the hell are you talking about? The record player. Jesus Christ. It was 48 years ago. Well, where is it? Where's my new one? Another one. I remember unwrapping and thinking, ah, life doesn't get better than. This was a transistor radio in the shape of Snoopy. I thought I was the. That made me a. I still have it. Maybe. Really? It doesn't have the guts. Okay. It stopped working in. My Uncle Doug tried to fix. I think he made it worse. So he snapped it back together. Now it's just a plastic Snoopy with a antenna. It doesn't make sense and still get the strap handle. I walk around with. How gay did my dad had to think I was? That I had had a strap like a purse around my. Around my arm and a plastic Snoopy hanging down. And I'm listening to like the Carpenter's More than likely because I just thought she had an angelic voice. Even when I was a boy, whatever radio station that my mom had it on. And he's walking up and down Navajo Trail in Indiana going, hey, what's going on? Why do birds coming out of my Snoopy sack suddenly appear? How's it going, Dan? That gay homebird, kids running around.

Kid across the street was my best friend. His name was Mark Cassius. Guess what? He turned out Twink. We were running around doing everything together. So I probably influenced it. I was probably the confusing Carpenters. Yeah, me, I was probably the one. Mark Cassius is like, I'm so confused because when I was growing up as a little boy, I had a friend. He was so clearly gay. And I really enjoyed my time with him. I think it might. I think I might be gay too.

[Brett]

He's probably talking about the kid he grew up with.

[John Holmberg]

Had a Snoopy radio. Snoopy radio. We used to play records. We were gay together early. I knew then. He probably knew then that he had found his gay friend. And here I am, not gay. Well, not actively homosexual. Still searching. The process is still. I'm still looking for a fellow earner that just wants to play basketball and blow me. Just doesn't exist.

[Brady]

Call stabbings.

[John Holmberg]

We've talked about it. Can't imagine combining our incomes. I mean it really is. It gives us half hard ons. But then all that hair, so much hair. Mark's hair's turning gray now. It's like his back here. He probably looks like an old wool. Like he can get waxed, you know. Come on. Yeah, yeah, he's. He's going.

[Brady]

Seen the 40 year old version.

[John Holmberg]

He's going a little.

[Brett]

He looks like the chief editor from the Daily Plan.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he's. Yeah, he's starting. He gets too silver and then his chest would. I'd just be. Look, I didn't want him when he was not gray. And now that it just is all it, basically it is for gays. I think that gray is what we see when women turn 50. It's like, well, this one's expired. It just looks like he's. You know, like when ET Got found and he was all gray and it was sick and that's what Mark looks like. We thought about it though. Throw our incomes together. Play some basketball, laugh, drink, maybe get into a fist fight and then just blow each other until morning. I mean, on paper, gay looks pretty good until you get into the hair and the feces and then it's out anyway. Good morning everybody. 21 days, that's what you got till Christmas. Those men again. Just even thinking about it. The Santa, what a feeling. Tooth fairy was another one. I used to get so excited when. Oh, the tooth fairy.

[Brett]

Try.

[John Holmberg]

You remember you were a kid and you try to pull a tooth out, it's not quite ready and you just be bleeding.

[Brady]

Twisting it and everything, crying.

[John Holmberg]

And you're so. God, it hurts. It hurts like you'd torture yourself like you were a prisoner of war. Pulling out a tooth good for a dollar if you were lucky.

Then you pull that thing out, spitting blood. I did it. I get a visit from the. I got blood in my throat. Put it under your pillow and wake up to some change.

[Brady]

What is a tooth fairy pay these days?

[John Holmberg]

I've talked to people about this and it is. It's like video games and stuff.

[Brett]

Really.

[John Holmberg]

I've had people tell me that they gave their kids, like, because I used.

[Brett]

To get whatever they do a thing every year. They say the average.

[John Holmberg]

You know, if you're still leaving money.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

These parents want to be friends with their kids so bad, they buy them something and shove it under their pillow again. How good did you used to sleep? That doesn't wake you. Imagine somebody trying to put their hands under your pillow today. You'd kill them and kill anybody.

[Brett]

You wake up in the morning, there's a sparkly five dollar bill. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If you got a five, you were the richest kid in the street. I get whatever spare change Dan had in his pocket, wake up. And I'd have to figure out, what the hell is this? What do you got, like a buck 22? Why in the world is this random amount? The tooth fairies. I never got the same amount was whatever change Dan had. Sometimes it was like $2.10, sometimes it was 48 cents. It was these random weird pennies were included.

[Brett]

Either way, it's a treasure.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it was great.

And you were just excited that that person broke into your home and left you a few cents.

[Brady]

I remember one time my mom was out of town for something and my dad was. Forgot to do the slip. And I'm like, oh, my God. I'm tearing the sheets off my bed and everything is like, nah, he'll probably be here tomorrow. Don't worry about it.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus Christ, he's crazy. I gotta. I gotta set an alarm. And you think of you today like, oh, Christ, I gotta wake up and waddle down the hall, shuffling in there and. You son of a. I'm surprised you didn't hear that from here. You miserable little believes in Santa Fe.

[Brady]

Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

I can't get a good night's sleep on my own goddamn vacations because of you.

[Brady]

Goddamn Easter bunny. Get up and hide eggs.

[Brett]

Crap.

[John Holmberg]

Two hours building a bike. Brady had that.

[Brett]

It's pretty funny when you go in there, hide the money because you think, oh, what if they wake up? Then you gotta.

[John Holmberg]

It's over.

[Brett]

You gotta tap dance around that.

[John Holmberg]

It's over.

[Brett]

I'm looking for my.

[Brady]

But you heard a burglar.

[Brett]

Yeah, I left my shoe in here.

[John Holmberg]

Or just say the tooth. The best thing. The tooth fairy. I found her in the hallway and she gave me this. We didn't want to wake you. She was here? Yeah. She's awesome. You should see her huge cans.

Your dad's got her in the other room right now. Just Pounding the lights out of her. Anyway, go back to sleep.

We're going to have a three way with the fairy. That's what my friend Mark Cassius used to say. Anyway.

[Brett]

Then you create right now the season Christmas nightmares with that elf on the shelf.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I don't know. That's just. That's terrifying. Kids horrifying manipulation tactics to keep those little pricks in line. For the last month when you start, you put. I would. If I was a parent, I'd have that elf on the shelf up every once in a while in April. Just like pop them up there and have him in the rooms. Jesus. The elf is here. He got up.

[Brett]

Some people do that.

[John Holmberg]

That's brilliant. That means you got a prick kid. You just, you know, your kid's thinking of terrible stuff. You don't have Jesus on a shelf. See, there's too much that kids believe when they're rewarded.

[Brett]

He's not, you know, we didn't put him in the manger until Christmas morning. We had the whole set up. The figurines.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And then one of my brother, my sister, everyone, he got alternated every year who gets to put them in. In the little manger.

[John Holmberg]

You know, it would be really fun. And this is a parental tip from a guy with no kids. I don't know if this would scar him or not. But you want your kids to behave during the year. And you're. And you believe in the Jesus or whatever, you believe in the Allah, the spaghetti monster, whatever it is. Middle of the night. Because you could set this up. Kids don't wake up. You get on a cross and you just pour blood all over your hands and your feet. Throw some dirt on a wig, climb up on the cross, set it up in his room and then just start flashing flashlights at it. Strobe, strobe it. And just. And then just the kid wakes up and sees it goes, oh. He starts moaning, oh, you gotta be better. Please, for me.

And then you come in, you're like, what's wrong? You throw a blanket over him. It is finished. You're killing me again.

Throw a blanket over his head. What's the matter, Billy? Jesus was here. Then you quick ski, daddle out. You run the whole operation out into the hallway. He's freaking out. So what are you. What are you talking about? He's right over there. Oh my God. There's nobody here. There's nobody here. And it's so real to him that he's just sitting there thinking, that dude is coming. That's. And then you got real Jesus sightings. And that kid will do anything you want.

[Brett]

Be like that scene in the Exorcist.

[Brady]

Like Pazuzu. It's just like blinking.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you got to have the strobe just. Oh. And that's what wakes him. Oh, God. Oh, you just hire an actor. Oh, get me down. Get me off of this. And then he's just. Just scream at top of his lungs. Kid on the top bunk just hits the deck. He's out cold. And you're like, you kids better be good. Oh, my God. I've heard of these things. Jesus visited you. You. You must be pricking around school. Pretty. Only straight A's from here. He's coming back. They'd never want to see that again. John Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's Morning Sickness. And you can run that well into their adulthood that kids going to Harvard. Just every once in a while, when the kids are walking to school and you know, or we know your kids alone, just set the Jesus up in the backyard. Oh, and he sees it every once in a while. Just runs in the house. He's outside. There's nothing out there. What are you talking. What's the matter with. What did you do wrong? What did you do that Jesus would come all the way down here just to moan at you?

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

I guess he said I stole something. Oh, all right, spill it. What'd you do?

Kid would be awesome.

[Brett]

It's just a clown.

[John Holmberg]

And don't get on me right now going, that's terrible. You don't know about. You don't have kids. You're using an elf on the shelf. It's the same thing.

You act like I'm. Oh, he doesn't know. He doesn't have kids. He's not allowed to tell us what to do. You're doing it already. Not with Jesus, though. Yeah, it's worse. You're doing it with childhood favorites.

[Brett]

Don't touch the elf.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're doing it with, like, Elmo dolls.

You're not allowed to touch it.

[Brett]

Touch it. No presence.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, and the elf will tell you. Got a tattletale running around the house. You imagine Kurt with the elf on the ship with that little rat. Your dad would turn on the elf, even knowing it's not you Telling me that elf is going to go tattle. He's going to rat on you. I don't want that in our house. Where is this little son of a bitch? I don't know. He moves around every Day he's in a new spot. You know what? You know, if he's going to be. He's just a little slippery prick. I'm going to throw him in a fireplace. He has no idea.

[Brett]

What's worse is what. The white families that get the Snoop on the shelf. What kind of lesson does that teach you?

[John Holmberg]

Snoop Dogg?

[Brett]

Yeah, they have.

[Brady]

Oh, I've seen that. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they do. Yeah.

[Brett]

So you don't.

[John Holmberg]

Just don't. White families.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Don't touch the Negro. Yeah.

[Brett]

I mean, I'm like, why would you do that? Because you don't touch the elves.

[John Holmberg]

That is the first time hearing of this. I didn't know that. Well, I've heard that before. I mean, that's. I've heard that. I grew up in Indiana. I heard that phrase, don't touch the Negroes on, like, signs on the freeway. It's the most racist state in America. No one talks about it, but it's just an awful place.

[Brady]

This year they're also doing Ozzy on the Shelf.

[John Holmberg]

Hell, no. The elf isn't working anymore. You have to do celebrities. He's okay. But to your lesson, you do. Yeah, yeah. Don't touch the drug addict is the thing. That's good advice.

Snoop Dogg. Kids aren't into Snoop Dogg. He's ours.

[Brett]

Isn't that awesome?

[John Holmberg]

Snoop Dogg's listening to Snoop Dogg. That's like putting Paul Anka on a shelf for me. It's like, why in the world would I care about that? Kids don't wake up and go, kick ass. Snoop dogg. Ah. Early 90s was the best rap. No kids thinking Snoop Dogg's awesome. They don't know he's just some bald old man. Snoop Dogg's basically Fred Sanford to your kids, only not funny.

Any kids, I thought of the.

[Brett]

You know, you're teaching Fear of Snoop on the shelves.

[John Holmberg]

Tiny black people. Yeah.

He's walked by and just see, you know. Good lord, you. A short African American walks by. Don't touch it. Don't touch him. Why wouldn't I touch him? You shook hands with him.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You're not getting any prizes. What are you talking about?

[Brett]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

You shook hands with that little black guy over there. And I learned as a child, never do that. Sando's not gonna bring you a thing. Yeah, I've never heard of Snoop on a shelf, but it seems wildly racist. Nice job, Gilbert. And no, you're not a cooler parent for having Snoop Dogg again. Your kid doesn't know who that is. Michael Jackson on a shelf, though. Now you Got something. Morning. Oh, every kid should be warned about Michael. I'm watching you. There it is. Snoop on a shelf.

[Brady]

That is Snoop on the Stoop.

[John Holmberg]

Is he just the most horrific sellout in the history of all? Shaq and Snoop are in a battle to see who the hell can sell out harder.

[Brett]

Notice the size of the $12.

[John Holmberg]

He's 11 inches. Can only imagine what that metaphor is there.

Make it 11 inches, just like me. What are you talking about? You're six. Oh, I see.

Make him dangle. Chisel, dizzle. If he's not 11 inches, he ain't authentic.

[Brady]

I can even get it at Target for all your Gilberts.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's. Of course. That's where you sell it with a white shop. Isn't that great? I got some new khakis and a. And a polo and a. Look at this. A Snoop on the Shelf. Very Snoop. Snoop on the stoop. Now, stoop is a word that they use for porch, but we'll use a different word.

[Brett]

That was the hottest white elephant gift.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, so funny. So funny. God, Andy is a hilarious guy. I love going to his white elephant. The Snoop on the Stoop. I mean, who would. Who would ever consider.

So hip.

Oh, here.

[Commercial Announcer]

He's.

[Brady]

He's got a blunt in his mouth, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he's smoking weed.

I'm watching you, little player.

Dad, there's a magical black on the shelf. Who is it? Well, that's Snoop Doggy. That's the D, O, double G.

I don't understand that. What is that? Well, back in the 90s, when we stopped being afraid of them, they started rapping at us.

[Brett]

And remember, don't touch him.

[John Holmberg]

I think he's the one that taught us that we should probably all the police. Or one of them did. I'm not sure which. Easy E On the Shelf. NWA on the Shelf is awesome. What does it stand for? Northwest Airlines, if I'm not mistaken. Anyway.

They went out of business in the 90s. Not real sure exactly what happened to NWA now, that's a lesson.

How much do you think the RAT manned NWA had to do with the demise of Northwest Airlines? Because Northwest Airlines had just painted their planes, and that's a costly endeavor to have the side of them all say NWA like, son of a. Are you kidding me? What just happened? Straight out of Compton.

[Brady]

Why did they not do an album cover?

[John Holmberg]

Why they didn't just call? Because they knew better that they were going to get in trouble. But we can't have Easy E in the pilot seat in the commercial. It just Looks bad.

[Brett]

Beastie Boys ruined it.

[John Holmberg]

With what?

[Brett]

With their plane on the album.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they had the Beastie playing. Oh, it wasn't. That was fake Brady. I hate to break Northwest. Actually, it was a cartoon. I don't want to kill the man. But anyway, happy holidays, everyone.

Jews have it figured out. Nobody's taking credit for those presents but mom and dad, your socks and that dreidel came straight from their pocket. It's a fact. And speaking I mentioned Shaquille o' Neal and Snoop, I got an email says, john, I have got to tell you, this is about yesterday's talk about Shaq being beaten. Male domestic violence is very, very real. And I knew when I was making jokes about this, somebody would email, said, I was physically abused by a woman I dated a lot. We were engaged. Every time we argued, she went crazy and left marks, bruises, cuts. But I knew this. She paid for everything. I was struggling, and I was truly afraid of her, and I had nowhere to go. That said, I laughed until I peed in the shower. Yesterday, when you did the shack thing, getting abused, Hilarious to think of him taking a beating. Thanks for everything you do not. Showtime. Shame. That wasn't from Showtime, Shane. It was somebody. But he used to take a beating, and even he thought it was funny that Shaq tried to be emotional about taking a punch.

It's just not a thing.

[Brett]

Tough, tough picture.

[John Holmberg]

It's just funny. Tough and hilarious. But.

Yeah, this guy says, I can just picture if Brady had tried to be cool with Snoop on a stoop and curbed her sitting there going, hey, man, I mean, does it come with weed, or do I have to buy it? Is that a real blunt? I mean, what's he got? Can I smoke it or what? Is this thing, man?

Stooping a stoop is the whitest, weirdest thing I've ever. You were right when you said whites do it. I can't imagine Snoop. Snoop Dogg's not even important to black kids. Not anymore. Not at all. No. Who the hell is that? Would be the first thing that would come out of their mouths. And then you got to go, oh, oh, he's friends with DJ Easy Dick. Go slapping you across your fat ass. You don't know the quotes of doggy style. You don't. Oh, I got to play this for you. And they'd listen to it and go, this is garbage. He's not mumbling, like, you know, I like Travis Scott's mumble rap.

Travis Scott on a shelf would make sense to them. What do you mean you don't Understand what deez nuts means? Deez nuts was revolutionary. What's wrong with you? Kendrick Lamar on a shelf. Who the hell is that?

He's in a beef with Drake. I don't even know who these people are. I know Snoop Dogg and I know the Easy. And that's who you get on a shelf at our house.

[Brett]

You don't have Drake on a rake.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, what is going on here? Honey, what the hell is a Drake Lamar? No, it's Kendrick Lamar. He wants that sitting on the shelf. Now can we just change the outfits? Will he know.

Snoop on a shelf? And you know, it's sad. There's a Gilbert mom that has that. Oh, yeah, and she thinks she is just hilarious because she's wearing her daughter's clothes. Yeah, she. She's, you know, she's 36. She's dressed up in her daughter's. I still fit. It still fits. My daughter's 13 now. They grew up with Snoop on a stoop. You're an idiot.

They just put Marla Gibbs up there from 227. What the hell is this? Oh, that's Florence from the Jeffersons on a stoop. It doesn't mean anything to your kids.

George Jefferson on a stoop would be hilarious too, because he's actual life size. Sherman Hemsley is about that size. Anyway, let's get a wake up song, shall we? 585-9800. A good one in the middle of the holiday season. Starting to think about all those things. Get those lists and we'll scream it to you. 585-9800. And we'll start this morning off beautifully. It's 98 KVD. Wake up, Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

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