12-11-25 - San Fran Woman Gives Birth In Waymo Sparking Another Childbirth Rant - Ozempic Kelly Osbourne Turns Into A Debate On Alien Killer Babies And How We Would Defend Ourselves

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 12-11-25 – “San Fran Woman Gives Birth in Waymo Sparking Another Childbirth Rant – Ozempic Kelly Osbourne Turns Into a Debate on Alien Killer Babies and How We Would Defend Ourselves”
Date: December 11, 2025
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo

---

Episode Overview

This episode delivers Holmberg’s signature blend of irreverent humor, social commentary, and off-the-wall hypotheticals. The primary motifs are petulant tribalism (in sports/politics and daily life), bizarre human interest stories (notably, a woman giving birth in a Waymo self-driving car), and the gang’s bombastic, unfiltered takes on cultural moments—ranging from celebrity weight loss to invasion by future alien babies. The tone veers from rants to playful debates, always prioritizing entertainment and a self-aware level of inappropriateness.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Tribalism in Sports and Politics

• Tribalism and Pettiness:

  • John remarks on the eagerness with which people celebrate setbacks of their political or sports rivals, referencing both the Michigan coach scandal and people rooting for strife in Senator J.D. Vance's marriage.
  • Quote (03:15): “People do that. They look around, they don't know who's keeping up appearances... you don't know that. Maybe JD and Usha had a little leak over and they don't like each other, but they've got to keep it together. Or maybe it's just a typical marriage Art, and they just…I'm so sick of your crap.” – John Holmberg

• Examples of Petty Celebrations:

  • Democratic pundits speculating on the dissolution of Vance's marriage simply from seeing a public argument.
  • Listeners' amused reactions to the misfortunes of Michigan’s football staff.

2. The San Francisco Waymo Childbirth Incident

• Story Recap:

  • A woman in San Francisco gave birth in a driverless Waymo taxi while en route to the hospital.
  • The crew debates, with sarcasm and disgust, the wisdom of choosing an autonomous vehicle for childbirth, when alternatives (ambulance/friends/taxis) exist.

• Hilarity of Waymo’s Response:

  • John describes his own experience with Waymo’s AI and “rider support team.”

  • They joke about AI voiceovers in a birth scenario, e.g.,

    • Quote (16:44): “What are you doing? Put your seatbelt on. I will pull the car over. I’m having a baby. You need to remove yourself from Waymo immediately.”

  • Concerns about contamination:

    • Quote (13:48): “She squirts her baby juice all over that Waymo seat. The Waymo doesn’t know… and it just goes on to the next ride. That could be me. No births in the Waymo.” – John

  • Critical take on society’s loss of human connection—commenting on how a pregnant woman apparently has “no friends” to drive her, prompting digs at SF’s reputation.

  • Quote (17:29): “If you're pregnant and you don't have any friends to take you to the hospital, you need to self analyze because I think you might be a C word.” – John

• Timestamps:

  • [08:49] Story Introduced
  • [09:21] Debates over other rideshare/ambulance
  • [13:01–14:47] Tangent on cleaning/AI detection and why childbirth scenes are gross in shared cars

3. Ozempic, Kelly Osbourne, and Celebrity Weight Loss

• Observations on Rapid Weight Loss:

  • Crew discusses Kelly Osbourne’s alarming appearance post-Ozempic and relates it to other celebrities like Ariana Grande and Mandy Moore.

  • Critiques on the lack of “tough love” from friends/family/public.

  • Notable Quotes:

    • “[Kelly] looks like Sharon Osbourne’s corpse… someone needs to say, ‘Hey, you’re screwing this up.’” – John (25:35)
    • “[W]e make a big deal out of pregnancy and childbirth as, like, such a hard thing. I got 8 billion examples that it’s not that tough.” – John (24:36)
    • “It is bad. That’s bad. Like that’s going to die bad.” – John on Kelly Osbourne’s appearance (26:40)

• Body Image, Ozempic, and Dysmorphia:

  • The hosts link these weight-loss obsessions to broader issues around body image, dysmorphia, and societal avoidance of blunt conversations.
  • Comparison to the need for “tough love” with Andy Dick’s self-destructive behaviors.

• Timestamps:

  • [25:19–29:29] Discussion on Kelly Osbourne and body image
  • [33:16–34:12] Aliens, "pod people”, and positing celebrity transformations as evidence

4. Hypotheticals: The ‘Future Alien Baby Invasion’ (Debate & Comedy Segment)

• Premise:

  • Spinning off the “Future Babies” charity fund concept, the hosts imagine an alien invasion scenario where Earth's defenders must physically battle “adorable but deadly” future babies.

  • Details spill into the ridiculous and grotesquely comic:

    • Babies only die by being punched in the soft spot of their skull
    • The possibility of a “super baby” whose defeat could end the invasion

  • Memorable Exchanges:

    • “If a spaceship showed up and it was… future babies… would you be in the army? … I’d be Colonel Jessup… ‘I can’t kill those babies.’ I’m like, step out of the way, I’m going to be a hero.” – John (34:12)
    • “You gotta punch them in the soft spot one after another, just in your front yard.” – John (41:02)
    • Brady: “Well, if there’s future babies in my yard, I gotta take those babies out.” (43:37)
    • “If it was puppies, I’d struggle. I would struggle with the come on.” – John (44:38)

• Discussion on Puppies vs. Babies:

  • Examination of society’s preference for puppies over babies in public and adoption contexts.
  • Quote (45:13): “You look out your window and you got three babies in your front yard or three puppies. Which one brings joy?” – John

• Timestamps:

  • [34:32–47:17+] Main alien baby scenario; debate, rules, and survivor strategies
  • [44:38] Shift into puppies vs. babies debate

5. Adoption, Parenting, and Joy

• Comfort with Animals vs. Children:

  • The crew admits preferring puppies to children in workplace/communal environments, citing public reactions and logistical ease (e.g., you can pick up after a dog, but a kid at work is a nightmare).
  • Quote (51:55): “Nobody wants kids at work. … But a puppy to work—brilliant.” – John

• Self-deprecating admissions about not being set up to adopt more kids; the conversation veers into darkly funny bits on harvest organ donors.

• Timestamps:

  • [49:00–54:14] Adoption debate, the “orphan pen” thought experiment, organ harvesting jokes

---

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “She squirts her baby juice all over that Waymo seat. The Waymo doesn't know you get out at the hospital. The Waymo goes to the next ride. And you know who’s… I've been in the ride of a Waymo when the last guy was a dick and it smells like weed and there's trash in there… I'm not getting in there with afterbirths and baby juice.” — John ([13:48])
• “Being judgmental has kept me alive.” — Toledo ([15:02])
• “Waymos are a gift from God, you son of a bitch. And you take them down one more time with comments like that, I'll have you take a lapse.” — John ([12:10])
• “If you're pregnant and you don't have any friends to take you to the hospital, you need to self-analyze because I think you might be a C word.” — John ([17:29])
• “You gotta punch them in the soft spot one after another, just in your front yard.” — John ([41:02])
• “Nobody wants kids at work. … But a puppy to work—brilliant.” — John ([51:55])

---

Memorable Moments

• John’s disgust for the prospect of cleaning up after a birth in a Waymo, and the group riffing on the AI’s hypothetical voice instructions to a woman in labor.
• The “Future Babies” invasion scenario—turning a throwaway phrase about a charity into a multi-minute, deadpan debate about stomping out alien babies and how society would react.
• The comparison between celebrity weight loss—people’s online comments as “oddly caring” reminders—and the lack of real-life intervention for friends.
• Repeated, over-the-top jokes about pets bringing communal joy vs. the perceived burden of kids in shared spaces.

---

Structure & Tone

• The hosts lean heavily into sarcasm, dark humor, and ridicule, but there is also a consistent undercurrent of genuine social observation.
• Recurring themes of tribalism, self-righteousness, and society’s penchant for both judgment and hypocrisy shape their takes on both news and cultural fads.
• The episode oscillates between absurd hypothetical scenarios (future baby army, alien puppies) and dead-serious (but crude) social meta-commentary about modern life.

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [03:15] – On keeping up appearances in marriage and rooting for rival misfortune
• [08:49] – Introduction to the Waymo childbirth story
• [13:01–14:47] – Tangent: rideshare cleaning horror, Waymo AI
• [15:02] – On judgment and survival
• [25:19–29:29] – Celebrity weight loss discussion (Kelly Osbourne, Ozempic)
• [34:32–47:17+] – “Future Babies” hypothetical and alien invasion scenario
• [44:38–46:09] – Puppies vs. babies in public joy and adoption rates
• [49:00–54:14] – Adoption, harvest joke, orphan pen thought experiment

---

Conclusion

This episode is classic Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: rapid-fire, taboo-busting, and gleefully inappropriate. The core structure blends local news, viral oddities, celebrity culture, and imaginative debates into a chaotic but oddly insightful package. Listeners can expect boundary-pushing jokes, a refusal to take news—or themselves—too seriously, and enough wry social critique to provide fuel for a watercooler debate on what makes people (and puppies) truly valuable.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Homberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

Thank you very much. Miles to nowhere. That is Katie and the Hobbs getting it done. One more time. Only a few shorts. What is that one? Four. Four times more with Katie and the Hobbs Four. We have our new theme song for next year from the Thomas James fan. We'll see if it's any good. Everybody's emailing over their Phoenix favorites and their things from the city that's, you know, doesn't have a lot of that stuff. This guy says Chicago Burger Company said, I asked that guy how come he never opened another one. He said, because it won't be the same. The food's not going to taste the same as it does here. And I'm gonna manage two restaurants, try to make it exactly the same. You expand like that, you lose your originality. And it's hard. I worked hard for this. He's right. It's a hard thing to do.

[Brady]

36 in Indian school.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, that place. Yeah. White Sox fans, though.

[Brady]

No, there's some Cubby stuff.

[John Holmberg]

They have Cub stuff, but they're White Sox fans. I talk to them. They're White Sox fans. At least the guy I talk.

[Brady]

I've been there in a long.

[John Holmberg]

That's enough of that. Your dirty, dirty White Sox burgers somewhere else.

Again. There's that pettiness. You got to get what we got. And now we're getting more news about the coach from Michigan. Toledo just came and said they just broke more. Not his. Not only did he. He got fired for banging somebody on the staff. He gave her a 100% pay raise, evidently. And then after he got fired, he went over to this woman's house and he tried to bust into it. And that's when he got arrested. He was trying to break in, distraught. Yeah. And she's evidently probably got a thick ass and she got blonde hair. Hasn't he seen Undercover Brother? That's the White devil. So take everything.

Which is the white devil. Coach Moore didn't know that.

Pettiness Brady, Sports, politics, the tribal nature of. I watched a thing last night where Democrats were happy that J.D. vance and his wife were having an argument in a restaurant. They're like, oh, looks like they're probably going to. They went right to it. They're getting divorced. Like it was over. You can't have. They're married. Of course they're bickering in public. They don't want to be together. There are so many other people you'd rather be in a restaurant with.

[Brady]

He doesn't like curry.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he constantly wants. Maybe that was it. We went and had curry last night. I'm constantly doing what you want to do. Who knows what they were arguing about? But the one person on the panel is like, she's liberal.

[Brady]

It's over.

[John Holmberg]

She's a liberal. She was mad at him because of politics. I'm like, no, they don't talk about politics at that house. Guarantee it. If they got married and he's J.D. vance and she's a liberal. They're past that. They're arguing about his T shirt, they're arguing about his shoes, his smell, his beard, his hair, whatever. She's already. She's just nitpicking him, and he's angry about it, so he's saying stupid stuff back. He probably wasn't paying attention to her. You're always at work. I'm the vice president. Oh, is that. That's your new excuse?

[Brady]

I guess it opened up with, how was your day today?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then. But other people saw that they got tribal, and they were celebrating it. They were happy that JD Vance might be in a marriage that's just kind of cruddy.

People do that. They look around, they don't know who's keeping up appearances. They don't know who's pretending to be happy. And then they go home and they just hate each other. You don't know that. Maybe JD and Usha had a little leak over and they don't like each other, but they've got to keep it together. Or maybe it's just a typical marriage Art, and they just. I'm so sick of your crap.

[Brady]

She's probably like, I liked Sharon more.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Maybe it was about, yeah, Coach of Michigan. And JD's like, no bitch was the white devil.

[Brady]

We are Buckeyes.

[John Holmberg]

You don't understand. White devil bitch. Maybe they were celebrating and JD got a little too crazy about, like, a new liver disease that this guy could catch. That's not very nice. Hey, I'm a Buckeye fan. He's an Ohio guy.

Anyway, pettiness party. You got to get on them. They were very up. Like, they were like, the Ms. Oh, it's not MSNBC anymore. It's Ms. Now. Ms. Now. Ms. Now. Ms. Now. They were thrilled. They were thrilled that there could be trouble in that marriage. That's how petty politics gets. It has nothing to do with anything. They just assumed, oh, she thinks J.D. she's one of us. She hates J.D. vance, too. And they were smiling.

That's gonna be great when he dumps her, because then he gets rid of all that. I married to a diverse lady. They were angry. I also saw last night, speaking of diversity, some of those people that gave that Cinnabon girl some money just saw that she's got mixed race children.

Comments were not too favorable. They want their money back. They want. They want some of that money back. I think you have to cancel that donation because they thought she's one of them.

She's not.

[Brady]

But she's more of a. A Rachel Delo.

[John Holmberg]

No, she's more of a. I think she's more of just like a lunatic. I think mixed race.

[Brady]

And she's in a relationship that I.

[John Holmberg]

Don'T know what she's in. But I think that the politics of it. Immediately, they assumed when she started to scream horrible words at those Somali people at Cinnabon, one side was like, finally, us whites can start standing up to them Somalis, like President Trump said. And all she was was just some lunatic they sided with without doing any looking into it because their pettiness got there first. And then when they found out she's a liberal. She's got half kids. Yep. With afros. She's got half rows. Yes, she does. Oh, I want my money back. I thought she was wearing a red hat. It's glorious.

[Brady]

They're not gonna like this. They just hired Cinnabon. Just hired Sharon Moore.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man, that's not gonna be good. They're not gonna work well together, those two. They did have an opening, and he does need a job.

More pettiness, Brady. And no pettiness in this. See, this is what good people. We're good people. We root for bad things to people we don't like. And that's nice. That's the holiday spirit. But for people we love, we try to help. And Brett's going out right now. He's going to local legends. He's going to that bar, his main street in Saucerman said no over there. And that wife Matthias cracked those doors. And they're gonna have some nice stuff going on, mainly Operation Santa Claus stuff. If you want to go down there before work this morning or just anytime, really. They are collecting non perishable food, children's clothing, new toys. If you want to drop off some money. Brett likes an envelope now and again. Supporting the local Arizona charities that includes St. Mary's Food bank, the SARC center, this research and our Autism Research Center. Military assistance mission. Margie's gonna come in here in a little while this morning, drop some stuff off, say hi to us. She's great. They give another one called Sleep in Heavenly Peace. A new life center. All these charities benefit from this amazing Operation Santa Claus thing they got going on. And Local Legends is helping. So Brett's heading over there, you know, get some morning people, third shifters get off. You go over there, you drop off a couple bucks, whatever. If you've got a toy, tip one to his pup. Yeah, and tip one. That's a great idea. Tip one to dirty and say hi to Brett. Lost his dog this week. And Matthias, you lost hers with their dog. Tip a. Tip a pint back and do a nice thing for this cause Brett's going to have some stuff for you to Three Days Grace tickets. Have some KUPD swag, like the bandanas and the hats and things like that. Bad flower tickets. He's got all that. If you just go over to Local Legends this morning, seven to nine o'.

[Brady]

Clock.

[John Holmberg]

We'll talk to Brett in a little while, see what he's up to and make sure that's all good. I think it's great. Got to watch that white devil.

This one says J.D. vance was upset because she wanted a table and J.D. wanted to a booth because he likes couches. He bangs couches. See? See, that's what I like. I like that tribalism. I like that. That comes from Europe and their soccer match. They're tribal. They're. We did it with politics in the last 25 years. We've always been a little bit tribal, but it used to be quiet. Now we're loud about it. You watch people like you root for the suffering of your opponent. Like they. They rejoice in the madness so long as nobody gets killed. They rejoice in the madness of someone's life unfurling in front of them if they are on the other side.

They love it. Both sides.

And that's what I want with Brady with this Michigan situation. I just don't like how cool you.

[Brady]

Are with me in general.

[John Holmberg]

And I do kind of want. No, no, I don't want. I don't want you to unfurl in front of me. I don't want that to happen. But I want you to be. You say you're an Ohio State fan now be one.

I also saw a story that a lady gave birth in a Waymo. Yeah, don't call Waymo if you're having. Call an ambulance she was in San Francisco, I think. Right.

[Brady]

Single mom, maybe. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

They have ambulances, they have taxis. You don't get into a car that goes no higher than the speed limit.

[Brady]

I just don't know, John. You thought you had enough time to get there.

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't need to call the ambulance. If you're thinking, I better get to the hospital. I think this is it. Waymo is not your option. And mainly because I might be the next guy riding in that Waymo.

[Brady]

I didn't see the Waymox, you know, computer. The guy watching, did he help?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Brady]

Verbal commands.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it looks to be someone in the car is not belted. Well, I just had him. I got into the Waymo. I told you that a couple weeks ago with Mark. And there were. It's. It's. They're not big enough for four people. You can cram three in the back seat, but it's uncomfortable. So we'd been goofing around. I opened the. The hatch in the back and climbed in there, and the hatch shuts. The car starts driving off. And then it says. And then it pulled over and Mark goes, oh, boy. And then here a guy go, we believe there is a human being in the back of the car. Like, oh, my God. How did you do that? There is a weight sensor in the back that we believe that is a human being and is moving around. Is that a human being in the back of the car? Like, yeah, that's me. I'll get out.

[Brady]

Boop.

[John Holmberg]

They open the back end. I get out. I go sit in the thing. Please buckle your seatbelt for the ride to continue. Like, oh, my God. But if you're given birth in a Waymo. So she.

[Toledo]

She did call a cab and she did try and get an Uber, but they were. They were.

[John Holmberg]

Shouldn't have a friend.

[Toledo]

They were booked or whatever. Waymo is the one that. She could get there quicker.

[John Holmberg]

Not one friend. She went to rideshare.

[Toledo]

No, man, no.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Where's the dude? Where's Toledo's dad in this one?

[Brady]

That's true with most people in San Francisco. They don't have friends.

[John Holmberg]

You don't think so?

[Brady]

I'm just kidding.

[John Holmberg]

They don't have heterosexual relationships to make.

[Toledo]

Guilt about doing that for San Francisco.

[John Holmberg]

Why did you get sad about that?

[Brady]

I'm just kidding.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, don't pull back on your cruddy joke. Live with it. Run.

Why would you do that? It was very Jim Sharp. If you tell a joke and then apologize immediately after.

All I'm hearing Is.

[Brady]

Bad stories on Waymo in San Francisco.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, well, look, you're gonna hear. That's all you're gonna hear. They didn't cause anything. There was a three way standoff where they didn't know what to do, which is very funny. And look, Waymos are cruising around these towns and all we do is. Now there's your pettiness as you fade. No, stop it, you. Because I take way more everywhere. I will just. I know. You're making a terrible point and I'm smashing it into the earth. You think I buy into that? Yes, you brought it up. You brought it up.

[Brady]

I'm telling you what I'm hearing.

[John Holmberg]

You heard one story. But don't you dare disparage Waymo, my friend. Now you're going to get petty with me when you don't.

[Toledo]

You're hearing. Yeah, kind of invalidates your point that.

[Brady]

You don't have time because blah, blah.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, blah, blah. Got on you because you make a statement and your statement was stupid. I'm hearing they cause a lot of traffic jams.

[Brady]

Direct quote, all I'm hearing.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Brady]

All I'm hearing, they've opened up in San Francisco.

[John Holmberg]

Totality of your statement is. The only news I hear is they cause traffic jams.

[Toledo]

That's like saying, you know, it was.

[Brady]

Total clickbait you fell for.

[John Holmberg]

No, I didn't. You're not smart enough to clickbait me.

[Toledo]

Portland's a firestorm. Yeah, they're like every day. What are you saying?

[John Holmberg]

Waymos are a gift from God, you son of a bitch. And you take them down one more time with comments like that, I'll have you take a lapse.

One story. Every time it does something silly. It's like, look, they've gone mad.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Seven million trips today on Waymo and not one problem. It's all gold. All I'm hearing is, oh, shut your mouth. That's a gift from your Lord. Waymo's the greatest invention of all time. Better than the printing press. Have to deal with any driver getting weird or losing his. But people always say this, like, what if they go nuts? What if the Uber driver goes nuts? Half of them have names that look like the Alphabet. I don't even know if they're mad at the United States if they're here. I don't know what's going on. I'm judgmental. I admit it. Off the bat, I see that. I'm like, this dude might be nuts and today might be the day. Waymo. I never have to worry.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I love Waymo.

[Toledo]

When you have that. When you have that little window of time between. Uber has accepted your request.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, everybody.

[Toledo]

And then. And then it pops up. Your driver, Kevin will be there.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody looks at the name in the picture and goes, oh, boy. I don't know if I want to ride with that guy. That's a fact.

[Toledo]

Got five stars, though. He's got five stars.

[John Holmberg]

If Kim Lee Chun. And the picture was like a crazy Asian lady with a huge smile, he'd be like, cancel trip.

[Toledo]

Cancel trip on a five star.

[John Holmberg]

She got five stars, my ass. Canceled trip.

[Toledo]

That's everybody just fearing her.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not getting it because she's only had one ride. Yeah. And it was probably your relative.

And 4,000 cancellations, but yeah. All I'm hearing is Waymo causes traffic jam. You be quiet. All I'm hearing, Waymo's the future.

[Toledo]

All you heard in this room is that it's awesome.

[John Holmberg]

All I'm hearing is get out of there if you're pregnant. And by the way, get a better life. If you're pregnant and you have to call three rideshares in a cab before anybody will take you to the hospital. If you're feeling the pains and you're like, I think this might be it. And you're in San Francisco and it's not quite that time yet, well, why don't you go out and get a bus then? You're bugging me with a Waymo. She squirts her baby juice all over that Waymo seat. The Waymo doesn't know you get out at the hospital. The Waymo goes to the next ride. And you know who's. I've been in the ride of a Waymo when the last guy was a dick and it smells like weed and there's trash in there and you put it on the thing, it says, hey, this one needs to go back in and get. Sir, I'm not getting in there with afterbirths and baby juice and whatever. Cause the Waymo won't know that happened back there. And it just goes on to the next ride. That could be me. No births in the Waymo Homburg's morning sickness. Disgusting. They say things that are horrible.

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

Well, they left an important detail out of that story, too. Sharon Moore is the father.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Exactly. The Michigan coach fathered that baby. That's right.

That's exactly right.

[Brady]

John.

[Toledo]

I think it's been your view on the show for a while, but it's Been mine for a long time. That you can call me a bigot if you want. But being judgmental has kept me alive.

[John Holmberg]

53 for a reason. I judge situations. It's a sink or swim, and it's not just one color of person. There's a lot of white situations I get into and go, I don't want any part of that guy.

I see a messy dude. Dustin is your driver. And that picture, he's like, I happen. Nope, I'm not doing this. I judge the car. If you get the Uber basics, like, I'm just going, like, a couple miles, I get that. And Dustin will be there, and he's got a, you know, a 79 Civic. Cancel trip. Cancel trip. I'm not getting in there. I'm gonna end up helping him push it somewhere. No, thanks. No births in the Waymo. If you're pregnant right now, make a friend that will take you. You don't have one person in your life.

[Brady]

You can't.

[John Holmberg]

Like, even me. I mean, I probably wouldn't answer the door because I don't answer the door, but if you were pregnant knocking on my door, my first thought is, oh, this is a home invasion. And she's a. She's a plant. Probably just going to answer the door. But if a pregnant lady's going, oh, I'm going to have a baby, then you're going to have it on my porch.

[Toledo]

I'll film it from my ring camera.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And if a Waymo shows up, I'll just take the Waymo to the hospital. Like, no, no, no, no. You're not doing that. I'd take her phone away. I'd cancel the trip. I'd send the Waymo on its way, and maybe I'd help her birth it. But you made up a. You made a good point. Was. Is the dude who knew I was in the back of the thing, there's a human being in the back of. Did he know? Okay, all you need to do is breathe. Breathe with Waymo.

[Toledo]

Because I think the news story said that she was well into the ride and starting to give birth before crowning, before Kevin popped on.

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing? What are you doing? Put your seatbelt on. I will pull the car over. I'm having a baby. You need to remove yourself from Waymo immediately.

[Toledo]

Spill a drink in the backseat.

[John Holmberg]

What have you done? Is that a placenta? Put a belt on it.

[Brady]

We detect extra weight.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, there is more people in here than had to begin the ride initially. Please belt the baby. We do not have it. I don't you know what I love about Waymo? No car seats. There's no baby seats available. You can't crack the back open and stick your baby in backwards. And no, they're not like. No, no, no, no. You're not dragging a baby in the Waymo. It'll throw up, it'll poop, and then the next guy's got a call. Hey, I'm sitting in a poop filled Waymo. If you're pregnant and you don't have any friends to take you to the hospital, you need to self analyze because I think you might be a C word.

I gotta have Waymo. Where's the dad?

[Brady]

Where's anyone that Waymo could have done the artificial.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, maybe. Okay, where's the doctor that turkey basted you? Someone has to be involved in this. No, her third option was way more. Her third option was Wayman. You keep wanting to put roadblocks on this. You're just wrong. She's lonely, okay? That's my point. She's not that lonely. She took a punch.

Call the service that sent the man over and see if they'll take it. You don't take Waymo.

Says you've never seen the Red Wings option on the app. That's right. I don't even want women on their periods in there. I want to get biblical with my Wayma. I don't know what I'm sitting in, but if it's a little moist, I'm like, hey, I wore khakis and now I've got this red dot on my thigh. Ah. The last lady was sponge painting in the seat.

Brutal. Don't you dare take way mo to any sort of medical emergencies like that, especially vaginal ones. If you got a broken arm or something, that's fine. But if you're. If your mesh broke and it's tumbling out of you, walk it off or call a friend. That's what my dad would say. Oh, my fell out. Walk it off.

She's on the way to the University of California San Francisco Medical Center. When she delivered inside the robo taxi.

The company said its rider support team was detected unusual activity inside the vehicle. I don't know how they do that, but they do it fast.

[Toledo]

Rider support team. So they're watching her.

[John Holmberg]

Well, give birth. Unusual activity.

They're not allowed to watch legally.

[Toledo]

Oh, okay.

[John Holmberg]

But they do know when something's wrong quickly. And I think that's because they have sensors all over the thing that know when there's a mouse hug going on because they don't Got microphones, spillage. They're not into spillage. They can't because the driver can't. Hey, knock it off. You're gonna finish. And then there's spillage, birth. Some sort of weird satanic ritual. Something strange is going on in the car.

[Toledo]

Is there way more porn? Have you seen that?

[John Holmberg]

Not yet, no. Because I think they put a stop to it. But the. I've seen Tesla porn.

[Toledo]

Oh, Tesla porn.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's everywhere. Everywhere. And it looks dangerous. Super dangerous.

[Toledo]

There's a couple of guy.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he's driving. He's leans the car back. All you have to do is have something touching the steering wheel like every once in a while. Yeah, yeah. A lot of times it's a girl's ass cheeks. And the ones I've watched.

But yeah, we've got it. We've got an absolute. A vaginal emergency. Which also, Kyle points out, is a good band name. Not allowed inside a Waymo. If you've got a vaginal emergency and that. I consider childbirth a vaginal emergency, you need to call an ambulance.

Does that not make sense? She didn't want to pay for that. That's the problem. She's cheap. That's why she's got no friends.

I don't have health care.

Well, don't they pay for all that in San Francisco? Aren't you guys like all in some sort of island of Australia? Just get in an ambulance and then don't pay for it like everybody else? Go into debt? No way. Most. You've got a Waymo app. You're not doing that bad. You're living in San Francisco. You're going to the University of California San Francisco Medical Center. It's not like you're going to the clinic. You need a pal. Childbirth in a Waymo. That's disgusting. You're a pig. And that's why the dad wasn't with you when you went into pain. Oh, man, that's exactly right.

Yeah.

That's why people. I got an email about this about you. Toledo. But people will wish her Feliz Na'. Vi. Because they removed the dad from the end of that too.

[Toledo]

Felice not a dad.

[John Holmberg]

Felice Na'. Vi. No dad. Dad removed.

Yeah. And the poor Waymo people have to act like, oh, isn't it beautiful? They're miserable. Oh, don't start this crap. Because viral moments will start happening.

[Toledo]

They have to have a cleaning team, right?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but the car has to drive back. And you know how they know. The cleaning team needs to be summoned is the next rider. Because Waymo just goes and does its job. It doesn't know there's birth juice all over the back seat.

[Brady]

They're actually installing stirrups.

[John Holmberg]

Viral. People will now try to have babies in Waymos to see if they can get Kevin over at dispatch to chime in.

[Toledo]

That can't be right. It can't show up to get you and Larry with a puddle in the back.

[John Holmberg]

It might. It doesn't know if the lady bursts it. No one knows there's birth juice everywhere. Had Kevin not been so diligent, we have detecting weird activity. Is that a. Are you making a baby? I didn't have any friends. Take me to hospital. Oh, you're a bitch. I see will Waymo cannot help you. Please make your baby and make your way out of the Waymo.

[Brady]

Five years from now, you'll be here, Waymo. Lee, get off that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you know, hurt yourself. Really awesome. Is that. Well, the trick to Waymo is when it comes to your house, you click the back door open so it waits longer. So if you just open the hatch, there's a little button. Gardner said, not all the time. Sometimes that option's there, but it's like, oh, it says, Waymo's gonna leave in five minutes. Like, I got here a little early. I'm still not ready. You crack the back hatch, it opens up and it waits until you're there. But when you close, like, you get out of the car and it goes. Forgetting something? The car says that to you as you're leaving. It's like you've forgotten some items because you didn't open the back hatch to get whatever. It assumes you put it up. But it's got weight sensors. So yesterday it did that. My. My neighbor Michael got out of the Waymo, we believe you've left some items in the vehicle. Michael's like, Michael took his water bottle his. And put it in the door. And he shut the door littering, kind of. He just forgot. He's like, oh, my God, it knows my water bottles in the side door.

[Toledo]

Well, it knew you were in the back.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I knew I'm in the back. Well, that's.

[Toledo]

You've forgotten your friend.

[John Holmberg]

That's £200 rolling around. Like I was moving. It's like, all right, the Waymo's shaking. There's something going on back there. If the luggage is moving, no way. Do it the old fashioned way and get in a cab with some dude who's screaming at you the whole time in Arabic and have a baby that away.

[Toledo]

Gee, seems to me Is Durant's maybe Wasn't that great last night. John's pissy this morning.

[John Holmberg]

I'm pissy for Brady telling me all I hear is Waymo's stink. No, they're. They're amazing. Yeah, that'll piss me off.

[Toledo]

I gotta say, even with insurance, I wouldn't want to pay an ambulance bill. I'd be walking my ass to the hospital.

[John Holmberg]

And I. You know what? Some tough women, I've read, have driven themselves to the hospital. If you've got time for a Waymo, you're not that berthy yet. You're maybe at, like, I don't know how dilation works, but you're at the beginning.

You can drive your ass to the. And then get out of the car and start giving birth on the side.

[Brady]

Sometimes that baby jumps right out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Sometimes it tumbles out of the. You know, the sluttier broads.

The hollow ones, just. Just drop a bomb.

And she wasn't that tight. She was alone in a Waymo. Which also says. And I know that people are like, oh, the insurance. It also tells me.

Childbirth isn't that hard if you can have it in a robo taxi. What's with all the doctor's visits? I think it's because women like going to the doctor so much. I've been on the cutting edge of that, though, that we make a big deal out of pregnancy and childbirth as, like, such a hard thing. I got 8 billion examples that it's not that tough.

But we have to, because it's more of an emotional thing and a discomfort, and so we have to act like it's just a huge burden. But I thought, like, they loved it, so they should be happy.

[Brady]

Every.

[John Holmberg]

Every pound they gain and every stretch mark they earn I thought should bring great joy. But it doesn't at all.

Not even a little bit. You're not allowed to have babies in Waymos anyway. Also, anybody else concerned that Kelly Osborne and Ariana Grande are going for the race to birth weight? Have you seen pictures of Kelly Osborne?

[Brady]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Horrifying.

[Brady]

I didn't know that was her.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. No. She looks like Sharon Osborne's corpse.

[Brady]

She was on a podcast or something. They showed a picture of her.

[John Holmberg]

She's horrifying and. And she's, like, yelling at people going, my dad died in July. I haven't eaten since July. Brett's dad died a couple weeks ago. I've had lunches with him. Whoa. Yeah. She does not look good. And people who like you have to. You have to care about someone to say, hey, you're screwing this up. And people are too sensitive to the idea of like, hey, you look horrible.

[Toledo]

Something's got, like, meth mouth.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good picture. There's a couple of them.

[Brady]

I thought that was like the older sister when I saw that.

[John Holmberg]

That's the one. Wow. That's the one. Everybody's going, she looks like she's about 94 years old. And she got to a point where she looked pretty good. People who care about her need to say something because this isn't good. Ariana Grande is another one that. I don't know what's going on with her. She's gone crazy and she doesn't eat. But Kelly Osborne has gone way beyond. And a lot of those Ozempic people don't know when to stop.

It is bad. That's bad. Like that's going to die bad.

[Brady]

The other Michael Dell's wife, I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Know who that is.

[Brady]

The computer guy. They donated 6.2 billion to charity. They started that fund for future kids. You can start an account for future kids.

[Toledo]

What?

[Brady]

Couples that have babies, Right?

[John Holmberg]

We are future kids.

[Brady]

If you're planning on having babies, you can sign up to get this account. Future babies.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, they're just babies. All babies are future babies.

I mean, I can't be a future baby. But I said, what are you talking about?

[Brady]

She is the wife. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That was a long way to get to. His wife's too skinny. But, yeah, this Kelly, I'm surprised you haven't seen that. No.

Look, I see an article with the word future babies, and I'm no longer interested in ozempic. I want to see these little silver babies. We are babies of the future. We have not yet arrived.

We are coming, coming to your planet soon. We are future babies. What about the current babies? No, those are current.

[Brady]

They don't qualify.

[John Holmberg]

Difference. Future babies have not been delivered yet.

Yeah, the weird thing about the Ozempic is what it does to people's faces when they. You know, the second it's one month too many because their eyes turn into like, these weird pie plates and then their. Their necks start shrinking. If you're losing neck weight and it's like meat.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

If you've got the waddle.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. Well, not. It's like your neck starts to go away.

[Toledo]

Yeah, the waddle shrinks everything.

[John Holmberg]

I'm talking about the sides of your neck. Not the waddle, not the skin. Like your neck starts becoming a pencil like you used to have a human neck. And like Ariana Grande's neck looks like her head's going to tip her over. It's a skull. It's crazy. And people should say something. And then. So Kelly Osborne went on, and they're like, you look a little thin. And people on the comments were a little bit rude. Little, tiny, tactless. You're gonna. You're gonna die. This isn't good. And then she's like, f you. I haven't eaten since July because of my dad. It's like, that's not good either. You need somebody in your camp saying, hey, it's. By the way, Ozzy's not coming back. You should probably try some protein bars. Yeah, have a snack. I know it's rough on you, but. And then her mom went on and said, leave her alone. She's still struggling with her dad's death. I'm like, I get it. Eat, though. If you got to care about your daughter enough to say, yeah, she's. This is not good. Have you seen Andy Dick on TV in the last couple days? He needs friends more than ever. He needs somebody to say, hey, you're being a idiot. And then I see an interview with him after he's passed out on crack on the side of the road, and his two friends are like, yeah, it's bad. We got our eyes on him. He's like, I'm not going to rehab.

[Brady]

Narcan. I'm fine.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they tried the Narcan. He said it was crack cocaine, so he was going away.

They say things that are horrible.

Holmberg's morning sickness and everything's terrible.

[Toledo]

And then he had him on the street.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then they had an interview with him and his friends where he's screaming, you will. I'm not going to rehab. I like crack. And his friends sat there. Somebody needs to punch him square in the face and say, this is what a real friend would do. You're an idiot. You want to die, do it on your own time.

[Toledo]

But I'm not going to take us down with you.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not going to sit and listen to you tell me how you're not going to get any help.

Sean says Ozzie had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel for 20 years. Kelly didn't expect him to go anytime soon. Did she think Ozzie would live forever?

[Toledo]

I think we all did for a time.

[John Holmberg]

There's another example of why women shouldn't be able to vote. I don't know if that's. That may be taking it, too, but she's British I don't think she can vote.

[Toledo]

Suffragette.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I don't think she's allowed to.

[Toledo]

Vote.

[John Holmberg]

Which is good for Sean. I think that's a. We keep her out of our elections. That's smart because she's not making good choices. Terrible. So yeah, somebody needs to tell Kelly Osborne and maybe not through the comments of her pay. But don't post a picture and then the comments make you mad. That's what they're for.

But yeah, she looks unhealthy, let's say that. And anyone who cares about her would say so, like, hey, Kelly, I'm worried about you. And they would absorb her fuze. You don't know what you're talking about. I don't want to hear it. I say, okay, are you done? Because you still look unhealthy no matter how much you're yelling at me and everything else. Let's deal in reality now. This ain't right. Yeah, that last the Ozemp. I'm worried about Scott Taylor downstairs. He's lost a lot of weight. He says it's not Ozempic, but I can't stop. And pretty soon his neck's going to go away and we're going to have to Ariana Grande him. Scott, are you doing the Ozempic? No, I haven't touched it. You're down to birth weight, Scott. You're nine pounds. You're nine pounds seven ounces. I don't know what's going on. I'm fine.

You just pick them up and take them to a doctor and feed him. Get them on a tube. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with little tough love that way.

I don't know what this means, but it goes back to the white devil, I believe with Shamir Moore, whatever his name is, former coach of Michigan who broke into a house to.

[Brady]

I just got another report.

[John Holmberg]

What is it?

[Brady]

It wasn't the girl that he went over the house. It was his wife and held her at knife point.

[John Holmberg]

He had a knife point experience. How happy are you? And all while why? Because the white devil the wife was. It's all going away. He lost his Michigan job.

[Toledo]

You looked down and you had a half smile.

[John Holmberg]

You almost let it. You almost. This is happening, right? I don't know why you're time. Yes, it is happening, right? Cuz the white devil made him have to go home and try to save his marriage with a knife. That ain't going to work. And then. But that's why Winston just text me and says that's why I don't Let wind play in the snow.

It's the powder of the white devil. I'm with you on that win. I'd be with you. Next thing you know, you lose your house, your wife, your job. Don't play in the snow. He says, yeah, I know what you mean.

By snow. He means white women. Informa. You know, say that it's no Miago blame. He's not wrong. Teach your kids wisely.

White devil.

If I was, I was an African American parent, I would teach that those blonde fat ass ones are the devil.

[Toledo]

Have you seen maybe more lately? She's joined the transformation pod. Skinny people.

[John Holmberg]

They're pod people.

And acting like it's not happening is not going to help. And we're gonna have what's gonna have to happen. And unfortunately, this is true. One of these stars is gonna have to drop dead from, like a Karen Carpenter thing. And then everybody's gonna be like, ooh, what was she doing? It's like, I get it. The Ozempic works. But in moderation, it's no different than bulimia. Bulimia works too, but the somehow.

[Brady]

I mean, the body image problem. They see themselves.

[John Holmberg]

Look, it's. Yeah, body dysmorphia. It's the disease. And believe me, it works. Anorexia works, but it goes too far, okay? And so does Ozempic sometimes.

[Toledo]

I'm starting to think the aliens are here and they've just replaced certain people.

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Toledo]

That's Mandy Moore. It is.

[John Holmberg]

What the hell happened?

[Toledo]

That was.

[John Holmberg]

Yikes.

[Toledo]

That is.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I didn't see that one.

[Toledo]

Well, that's like that, like, she looks like. Like somebody came down and just hatched her and said that she's Mandy Moore.

[John Holmberg]

I am Mandy Moore. I am a future baby. Future baby? What?

[Toledo]

Have you talked to Michael Dell?

[John Holmberg]

I heard Brady talking about future babies. We are the future babies. We are on our way on the Three Eye Atlas.

[Brady]

You've got 250 bucks.

[John Holmberg]

We have to abort the future baby. It's coming, going around the sun right now. It'll be here any moment. How horrible would that be? Oh, there's a dilemma.

[Toledo]

What's that?

[John Holmberg]

If the Three Eye Atlas was just a big, giant spaceship filled with future babies. Oh, and they came out like little human babies. But we'd have to destroy them. Would you be in the army? You'd need me at that point. I'd be Colonel Jessup, because it'd be like, I can't kill those babies. I'm like, step out of the way. I'm going to be a hero. You're God damn right I did watch this die. Babies of the future. Yeah. I would be like. But I don't know if we could do it. Could we? I mean, what if it was just I. Then you'd lose me. If it was like. Like evil puppies got off of that. Oh, if a spaceship showed up and it was like Brady said, future babies.

[Toledo]

Oh, man.

[John Holmberg]

And they just came toddling out.

[Brady]

Real trouble.

[Toledo]

You're on to something, boys. What about the Olsen twins and Miley Cyrus? They're not who they were.

[John Holmberg]

No. Something going on there. Maybe that's the Three Eye Atlas is coming to power them. And then once that. Once it gets close enough, they get in contact with the mothership and then they turn into the robots of killing and we all get killed by Ariana Grande and Kelly Osborne.

[Toledo]

John, do you think it's a sexism thing? Because how do you feel about Jelly Roll? To me, he lost so much weight so fast, but he said he did it naturally.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Toledo]

He looks good, though.

[John Holmberg]

For now. Again, right? Bulimia works.

[Toledo]

I look at him and it stops working. What Ralphie would look like if he were.

[John Holmberg]

Well, Ralphie and him are the same guy. Right? But again, after you're at your weight, that's good. You gotta stop. But that's what eating disorders are. They make you keep going. And this Ozempic thing got hold of a few of these people and nobody's saying anything. The commenters online are. Then everybody yells at them like they're doing something wrong. They're the only ones who actually care. I remember when Aries Spears said that about Lizzo. It's like, somebody's got to say Howard Stern said it. Somebody's got to say something about Precious. Because if you care about her, she's going to die from what we're all saying. Oh, she's so brave. You can't be £400 and healthy still. And we can't. You got to say something like, you're a great person. I don't want to lose you. You're killing yourself. Some of these people. Jelly Roll looks great. If he stops now, he's perfect. Right?

[Toledo]

That's what I was kind of thinking, too, but because he's got years of bad habits.

[John Holmberg]

But if Jelly. Yeah, and he likes shooting things into his body. So if Jelly Roll starts getting bug eyes, pie plate eyes and no neck, and you can start to see his clavicle through his shirts.

We gotta say something about him. Kelly Osborne can't get mad at the commenters. The commenters care about it.

[Toledo]

You're right. It's. It's an odd way. It's an odd form of care, but it is a way of paying attention.

[John Holmberg]

Remember when Tom Hanks had AIDS in Philadelphia and everybody's like, oh, that looks terrible. He lost a bunch of weight. To look bad, it doesn't look good.

You got to have a decent. You got to, you know, you can't be. I can't see your bones, your chest.

[Toledo]

Christian Bale in that prison movie.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And the Dallas movie with Leto and McConaughey. Oh, they got down to birth weight. It's crazy. Anyway, somebody say something to him.

Nobody could. Like, I watched Sharon Osborne. She's mourning the loss of her dead. You have to leave her alone. Like, no, you're. Nobody's saying anything. You're clearly on her side of why she disappears. And first, she looks worse than you.

[Toledo]

You're enabling her.

[Brady]

Thanks to Castaway, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He lost a ton of weight and it was, you know. But he still looked all right. A few more pounds and we've been like, oh, we're losing. Tom Hanks has done that a couple of times.

Gotta say something. But I'm more back on that dilemma of that Three Eye atlas coming around the sun, landing here and dropping off a bunch of future babies. And they're war babies. What if our enemy in space war babies are. Yeah. Are beautiful, cute babies and we have to go to war against babies.

Yeah. Could you do it?

[Toledo]

The baby slaughter, knowing they're aliens?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How do you know?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they're the ones running around with guns. That's how you know.

[Toledo]

Yeah, exactly. If they've got.

[John Holmberg]

You could do it. Think good.

[Brady]

I just, you know, came from the right source and it was if they.

[Toledo]

Were wearing Michigan shirts.

[Brady]

Makes it easier.

[John Holmberg]

You think so you could stand in your front rock.

And just watch. Babies.

[Brady]

They can't even walk.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're crawling with a knife in their mouth.

[Brady]

Well, they got a knife, but they're lethal.

[John Holmberg]

They got a knife in their mouth and they're crawling through your yard, on the beach, hundreds of thousands of them everywhere. The place is lousy with angry babies.

[Brady]

Yeah, I could do it.

[John Holmberg]

You could stomp out some infants if I had to. Man.

I think I'd try to fist.

[Brady]

They had knives in their mouth.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I'd fist fight them first. I don't think I could watch babies blowing up like that. Come on, fist fight the babies.

[Toledo]

You'd take a first couple.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. Future baby Would fist fight. And then if they kind of started to pile on me like, you know Mr. Anderson and Neil.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's what would happen.

[John Holmberg]

I have to break out the gun.

[Toledo]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brady]

Too late.

[John Holmberg]

Start killing all those you're skewered. You think?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You think if they got close enough with the knife and then they're super. They're not super skilled. They're still babies.

[Brady]

You don't know that.

[John Holmberg]

But no, no. I'm giving you the rules, okay? I'm saying they're not super skilled. They're not like. They don't have any special speedy powers. They're just babies. But they're hard to kill.

[Toledo]

You could shake off a pile of babies.

[John Holmberg]

How about this? The only way. Timeout. My future baby scenario is the only way to get rid of the future baby bodies. And they're just riddled with disease. That's how they're going to get us. You have to cut their heads off.

[Brady]

Or headshots. Like.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no headshots. They survive.

[Brady]

Decapitation.

[John Holmberg]

That's hands. Hand to hand combat. Decapitation by hand.

[Brady]

What are you using your pause.

[John Holmberg]

Just your fingers and your hands.

[Brady]

You got to rip it.

[John Holmberg]

Like you can't cut through. Something about them they just rip open real easy. But they can't. You can't cut them and you can't shoot them. Then's the rules.

[Brady]

And they're not saying, can you do that?

[John Holmberg]

Could you do that?

[Toledo]

He's on to something. Because they're not formed yet. It's not like it's still cartilage.

Way.

[Brady]

They die through the skull.

[John Holmberg]

I was just gonna say the only way to die is to punch him in the soft spot.

But otherwise they're just millions and millions of them getting off that alien ship. And we gotta just punch them in the soft spot one after another. And just in your front yard.

[Brady]

Run. There's no escape.

[John Holmberg]

They're everywhere. They're just like three. Three Eye Atlas. Just rain down babies that are impervious to everything except for like they got one Achilles and it's the soft spot on their head. You gotta punch them there.

[Brady]

Well, I'm going to lose that fight. There's that many?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brady]

You just can only take so many out.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's what I'm saying. Take it. Tired. Then you lock yourself in your house and you wait about a two minute maybe you go out tomorrow and you punch more babies in the head as they just continue to fall from the sky. And then no punch as long As I can. Yeah, they can take every shot. Like an. Like those fat people on. I can fall off motorcycles. Just roll. That's what they are. But they've got one. A death blow, baby. Death Blow. Great band name.

[Toledo]

Do they each have a different death blow?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's never in the same spot. You gotta feel for it. And then.

[Brady]

They'D end you with a knife, though.

[John Holmberg]

But they've got a knife and they just start whipping around with their baby hands. And they're like, you got. You just got to risk getting slashed up.

[Toledo]

What kind of weapon could I have?

[John Holmberg]

Like, you can't. It doesn't matter. You don't. Don't you listen. There's no weapons. Just a punch to the head. That's the only way they go. Not even a kick. You have to hit it dead center.

[Toledo]

Baby head.

[John Holmberg]

And yeah, we gotta find the sauce button. Just give it a shot.

[Brady]

It's like the button. It's like an on button.

[John Holmberg]

It's an on and off button.

[Toledo]

You have to do like a nut.

[John Holmberg]

No, you're thinking. You're overthinking. All I'm saying is, could you do it?

[Brady]

I. I don't think you'd succeed. But you.

[John Holmberg]

You know, what if. What if. Let me ask you this. What if there's one, like, super baby.

[Brady]

And take out the alpha baby, the Alphabet, and the rest die, and he's.

[Toledo]

In your yard like those Chinese fat babies.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, let me just ask you this. You got rumors.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Of the baby invasion.

[Brady]

It's coming, right?

[John Holmberg]

It's on future babies.

[Toledo]

I got time to prep.

[John Holmberg]

So you're thinking about. Geez, I better keep my eyes open for, like, rogue babies. And you look out on your yard, and there's just one.

And there you are.

[Brady]

Take that baby.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. Could you just slaughter that? And you don't know if it's just a neighbor baby gone long.

[Toledo]

Right? And how long do you wait?

[Brady]

Yeah. I'm not taking that chance.

[John Holmberg]

You're just gonna kill the baby.

[Brady]

No. What, and letting it go.

[John Holmberg]

First off, parents don't care enough about it to care that you killed.

[Brady]

Because if. I know there's millions of babies.

[John Holmberg]

You don't know.

[Toledo]

No, because it's rumors.

[Brady]

We know their future babies are coming.

[John Holmberg]

Future babies are a rumor. But they're like, the news is warning you.

[Brady]

Let that one go.

[John Holmberg]

No, you're gonna let it go, and then it gets close.

[Brady]

Because. No, because it never happened.

[Toledo]

Like you in the neighbor in his neighborhood that just let us.

[John Holmberg]

This is my scenario. I'm writing this Movie. Be quiet. Future babies are definitely coming, but we're not sure when.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

And you wake up one morning, and there's, like, three babies in your yard. So you know they're here.

[Brady]

What are these babies doing?

[John Holmberg]

And you live on a ranch, and it's, like, 400 acres, so there's nobody close to it. Yeah. It has begun. Do you go out and slaughter those babies?

[Brady]

That scenario. I gotta take those babies out.

[John Holmberg]

Babies down.

[Brady]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

I'm proud of you. They're wearing Ohio State beanies.

[Brady]

Can the punch still work through the.

[John Holmberg]

They've got stickers on their chest that say, hi, my name is Kirby, and they have Ohio State.

[Brady]

That's obvious. It's a punch to the head.

[John Holmberg]

That's a punchable baby. Morning sickness. Disgusting. They say things that are horrible.

Morning sickness. Yeah. He's trying too hard. Yeah. Fallout babies are awesome. This is great.

And then I go to tactical black for baby defense classes. It's a weird scenario. I. I grant you, but Brady brought it up with future babies. And the only way future babies are an actual thing is if they're on the way. They're not babies yet, but they are future babies, and they are aimed at us. If it was puppies, I'd struggle. I would struggle with the.

[Brady]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, struggle. Deep heart of puppies.

[Brady]

But, you know, their future puppies coming to destroy you.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I guess. I don't know, because puppies sometimes can run through your yard. A rogue baby in your yard is usually bad. A puppy in your yard is usually great.

[Brady]

Yeah. But if you woke up and there's three puppies out in your yard and.

[John Holmberg]

Steeler beanie, so adorable, I would go play with them. I would die from that. I can't. No. Brady, right now tell me this. You look out your window and you got three babies in your front yard or three puppies. Which one brings joy.

[Toledo]

If we see no one? One or the other.

[John Holmberg]

To you. You would not look in your yard and think everything's kosher and fun. If three babies unattended were in your yard, but three unattended puppies, that'd be a little. Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

[Brady]

You know, I'm trying to find homes.

[John Holmberg]

For either scenario, but you're gonna. You're looking out front going, what the hell's going on with the three rogue babies? But puppies are like, oh, I gotta go help them.

[Brady]

They're so cute.

[Toledo]

Yeah, he's talking. The immediate. Your immediate reaction is, go play with your immediate reaction.

[John Holmberg]

There's a baby out. If the baby y. Oh, let's go play with that baby. Or you're weird where this comes, right? But you see three puppies, you're like, oh, that's adorable. Who lost their puppies? And you go and play with them.

[Brady]

But in the scenario that you said. Yeah, I'd be. I mean.

If there's three babies in the yard. But when you said they had the beanies on.

[John Holmberg]

No, no.

[Brady]

But if there were three babies in the yard.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's not a joyful thing.

[Brady]

Calling the authorities first, because you're not.

[John Holmberg]

You're not getting joy out of that. That's scary.

[Brady]

Yeah, but the puppies, you'll go out, right?

[John Holmberg]

You go play and because they'll get sued if you touch a baby, you go out and start playing with Rogue B. Then the parents come and go, hey, what the hell? They're going to get accused of taking them in the first place. I'm kicking them off into the road.

[Brady]

You take them out there in your yards.

[John Holmberg]

All three of them are going out.

[Toledo]

John, I'd like to thank you this morning for giving me hope. I've done kendo training for years. I don't know what kendo is. It's a completely useless skill. Except for the exact scenario you're describing.

[John Holmberg]

Soft spot.

[Toledo]

Bring on the babies.

[John Holmberg]

Alien babies that are adorable. Like all of them are Gerber baby adorable too. They're all cute.

They're looking at you like then. And then one looks at you when you rear your fist back and goes.

[Brady]

Jumps up and bites your head off.

[Toledo]

You've described the one scenario where you regret getting rid of the wire hangers in your closet.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's the way you have to kill them. Wire hangers.

You couldn't do it. I think I could. The puppies, I'd lose that fight all day. But rogue alien babies, I could every. Everything I could use. The hangers would be great.

[Toledo]

John, you need to go to Netflix. There's a show called Love Death Robots and the episode is called Giant Babies. It's exactly what you're talking about.

[Brady]

How about this scenario?

[John Holmberg]

Giant babies. I'd kill a giant baby with or without the alien invasion. If I saw a giant baby in my yard, that thing's going down like giant, like six foot three puppies.

[Brady]

Rabies.

[John Holmberg]

If they got rabies. But that's curable.

[Toledo]

John, I'm on to you. You've often talked about being a baby casket maker. I know what you're doing. You're setting up your future business.

[John Holmberg]

We wouldn't bury them with services. We'd burn them in pile. Piles of alien baby burnings would then happen. This is the weirdest awesome conversation I've ever been in.

[Toledo]

Do these poison babies infect by suckling John? Because we don't have to protect my nipples.

[John Holmberg]

We don't know. Some people just get sick around them. Some people have to get. We don't know. Yeah. Your nipple suckling. Oh my God. They try to suckle and by doing so they transfer that alien baby disease.

[Toledo]

This is great, man Bogan. You are telling my man you will kill killer invader babies from. From space. But you can't say Hitler was a bad guy.

[John Holmberg]

Hitler. I hate Hitler. I would slaughter the alien baby invasion. Alien puppies. I think I just bow down to their leader and join them.

[Brady]

That's no choice.

[John Holmberg]

Awesome. I'm right about the puppies again. I've been right about this the entire time. And you can say no and whatever, but if we had a baby adoption in our lobby, there'd be 12 babies adoptable in the start of it and 12 at the end. If we had a puppy adoption in our lobby, there might be one or two puppies left at the end. Nobody.

[Brady]

I wish that were true.

[John Holmberg]

That's fact.

[Brady]

If it is, then it's not working on all the other.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you right now. Oh, no, no. Because we're bad about the breeding. Brady orphanages don't tour buildings and say we brought three or four of them and the whole building stops working to go play with them.

[Brady]

It would work.

[John Holmberg]

No, it wouldn't. People. I dodged that like the plague. This is David. He's 13. His mother was a crack addict. Father's God knows where. You want to take him home? Like, no. This is rufus. He's a 22 month old Rottweiler. Who's my boy? Like, I'm taking this one. There'd be eight orphans left and no puppies. I'm right about.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah. I mean, if you brought in. Yeah. Orphans to pets.

[John Holmberg]

Right. It's easier because one is joyous and the other one is sad and miserable work.

[Brady]

And there's, you know, you gotta.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. One doesn't bring joy. One does. Fact, truth. There's nothing you could.

[Brady]

Kirby brings me joy every day. That's your kid.

[John Holmberg]

Kirby brings me no joy.

[Brady]

Keep.

[Toledo]

Keep saying that mantra.

[John Holmberg]

You've got one kid you like. If all the other ones just started coming to the house, you'd be like, what's going on with this place? There's too many kids. Get them Out. You don't want hundreds of kids in your house.

[Brady]

Trials and tribulations with some of my.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you this.

[Brady]

Adopted brothers and sisters. There's.

[John Holmberg]

You got three dogs and one kid.

[Toledo]

That's something I noticed you haven't done in your. In your home, bring in the adopted kids.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't follow through with that.

[Brady]

Well, if Ronnie said, let's adopt a.

[John Holmberg]

Kid, okay, you would do that.

[Toledo]

But I'm saying is your passion of. Of being exposed to it as a kid never made you go, yeah, you don't want.

[Brady]

Yeah, well, you don't. 1. I don't feel like I'm set up for it.

[John Holmberg]

What do you mean?

[Brady]

I just don't. I know, but you just. As a parent, you think, oh, you don't want to bring another one. Am I a good parent?

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to think you are.

[Brady]

But you never feel like, I could always be a better parent.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want one. And the safest thing you've ever said is, Ronnie says, once we adopt a.

[Brady]

Kid, we'll do it.

[John Holmberg]

And I know Ronnie doesn't want to adopt a kid, so that's an easy out for you.

[Brady]

And maybe we've made up for it on having, you know, three dogs and two cats.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Three dogs, two cats, and one kid. Tell me, which one brings joy.

[Brady]

All of them.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. But you went for three and two. Of the other species, one was not attention.

[Brady]

Because I was like, I'm good with the. The one, but.

[John Holmberg]

Right, right. She kept bringing them in. She didn't want more babies, though. Just saying you love your own kids. Kirby brings me no joy. I like her. She's nice, but she's not bringing anybody but you joy. It's parents. That's. You guys. That's all parents. That's. You think Alex is bringing anybody else joy? Barely brings him any.

[Toledo]

He may bring the people at Zona Cantina some joy when he's.

[John Holmberg]

He brings them food. He brings them food.

[Brady]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody. Other kids don't bring you joy. Other puppies do. Somebody brings their puppies, and we all go pet them. Somebody brings their dog to work, we're all like, oh, cool. Somebody brings their kid to work, it's like, ugh. It's gonna get in the way all day. Nobody wants kids at work.

[Toledo]

Not at work. No. But, like, if, like. Like you've seen it with. When human babies come around. Yeah. Even when it's not in a work scenario.

[John Holmberg]

That's different.

[Toledo]

If you're in a situation where you can give it back. That's joy.

[John Holmberg]

Bottom line, I brought bus here for about a month.

[Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And it was the. Everybody loved bus. Everyone but Susan times.

[Toledo]

I brought Kiki here.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody loved bus. You brought Alex here for a while, and I had to tell you to stop.

[Toledo]

Well, and then the one more I did with him here, we caused him trauma.

[John Holmberg]

Well, look, he brought your kid. Yeah, because they're. They're easily. Dogs are just like, all right, whatever kids have, like, you get sued, you know, it's terrible. Don't bring your kids to work, but a puppy to work. Brilliant.

[Brady]

Alex didn't poop on the floor either. That was good.

[John Holmberg]

You can pick it up and nobody cares. If Alex pooped on the floor, there'd be hazmat. Toledo would probably get fired. Your dog poops on the floor. Poopy on the floor made the poopy. Nobody cares.

Yeah. This is because you can't lock up orphans in cages. It's weird to walk them on leashes. You can do it to dogs. Yeah, I rest my case on that one. Try it. Call Sunnyside Adoption Agency and have them drop off few orphans in the lobby of your work and see how well that goes. Everyone put them in a pen. You put them out. You put them in our lobby right now. And not a single person leaves their desk to look at them. They look and like, what the hell's going on? They go back to their desk. Are we. Are we supposed to take one of.

[Brady]

Those in the orphan pen down there? Six of them.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing? Hey, kid. What are you doing here? I got no family. Kind of hoping maybe one of you guys would stick.

Okay, I'm gonna avoid the lobby like the plague today. David, the orphans in there. And they dirtied him up, too.

[Toledo]

Who are you kidding? Brady would never adopt another kid because that's food taken from his own mouth. Hey, besides, the adoption agencies don't trade in Brady sauce.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. Any of our. Any of our birthdays has the adoption agency brought down kids for us to play with? Oh, nope. I don't think they've offered. Nope. But the Humane Society has brought. Yeah. Hey, I'll tell you this. Sunshine Acres isn't good because they know better. Humane Society, however, has come by with puppies and dogs on birthdays, and it's been a yay. It's the greatest thing ever. I'm right about this. I don't know what's on the big board of musical treats, but it's like if there's a song called Future Babies. I want it.

[Toledo]

Brady, how are you not adopting kids as potential donors?

[John Holmberg]

That's a good point. Never thought about harvest people. Kirby's a harvest baby, but she won't use it like she's doing well. Yeah. You won't let her.

[Brady]

It's going good.

[Toledo]

What does that mean?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Brady]

Shut your mouth.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh. Oh, you think you're still gonna get a kidney from her? Wasn't even talked about. You told me yourself. Never even brought it up. Huh? She's ready to run.

Or for your passing? Which. Which? Is she ready?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. She's ready for all of the above.

[Toledo]

If you guys. The only joy brought by kids is by one named joy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. A joy. Has to give it to you. Toledo's dad. That activity. Anyway, the wake up songs brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Get your bikes all tuned up and ready to go. This weather's perfect for outdoor activities and riding on these trails. If you're new to it, that's the place to get started. I talked to somebody online the other day that said they just got to action and got a new bike and road Hawes Trail for the first time. Right across the street from their location up there on McDowell. McDowell power. That's right. Yeah. And, man, the Hoss Trail is a blast. If you have never ridden mountain bikes, that's a good one to play on trail 100. There's tons of them hop on that. And also ski seasons here. You can hop on there and get all your ski stuff at the OG location on Gilbert, just north of the 60 Action Ride shop. Helping you out with that. What do you got on the list there, Toletto?

[Toledo]

It's refreshing.

[Brady]

It's David Gates birthday. He's 85 today.

It's lead singer Bread.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez. Oh, man. Is this the scene of Brady's first rape?

[Toledo]

I don't know if this is a real song. Is Gwar Kill all the Babies a song?

[John Holmberg]

If it is, we need to play it.

[Toledo]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't think so, Nikki. Six is 67. All right, let's do. Well. No. Well, 6:00am yeah, let's do a little 6:00am okay. Throw a little 6:00aman. In there. That's a good one. Yeah. This is the highest I've been without being high. I think I've got a Durant's belly full of.

[Brady]

It's still in there.

[John Holmberg]

It's in there making me all.

[Brady]

What'd you have?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I had the butcher's cut.

[Brady]

Oh, and sides give me some Potato.

[John Holmberg]

We got all of them. Asparagus. The potatoes were amazing. The macaroni is incredible. Durant's is back, man. It is back and better than ever. And their desserts, Brady, the dessert, there's a chocolate.

[Brady]

Chocolate. Like lava cake or something.

[John Holmberg]

Calm down. I was explaining it to you. I'll get to it. But it's like. It's like 11 layers. It's. It's. It's like a size of a foot. It's huge. And their whipped cream has Pop Rocks in it. Oh, clever.

[Brady]

Oh.

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

The rantis back.

[Brady]

The strawberry explosion that you talked about, was that on a cheesecake or.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I couldn't look at it. It was just a big. It was a heavy flow is what I called it. It's gross. Strawberries with strawberry juice.

There may not be a coconut's worse, but strawberry is a close second to absolute. And again, I'll wreck it for everybody. Close your blindfold yourself. And somebody says, take a bite of this. And you can't use your hands. Just have to bite it. And then they say, okay, now take a bite of this. Take a bite. And then they say, guess which one is a homeless man's nose. You wouldn't know. Strawberry and a homeless man's nose are the exact same texture and flavor and blackhead popping experience. Fruit with seeds on the outside, that's just zit.

So I won't eat strawberries. And then the juice from a strawberry doesn't make any sense to me because you can squeeze it and they don't make juice. So where does that come from? Strawberries are disgusting. And it's a. I mean. Go ahead. An alcoholic's nose versus a strawberry. You wouldn't know. And it would make the same noise when you bit into it.

I guarantee you.

[Brady]

Sounds delicious.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's awful. It would. I think I have the sound effect. That's perfect. This is exactly what it would sound like to eat both.

It says, homeless man snows at 6aM Happy birthday, Nikki. Six. It's 98.

[Brady]

It's not weird.

[Toledo]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.