The Adventures of Pinocchio LIVE! (Classic)

Summary

How Did This Get Made? — The Adventures of Pinocchio LIVE! (Classic)

Recorded live at the Chicago Theater — April 14, 2026
Hosts: Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, Jason Mantzoukas

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Overview

On this raucous, live edition of How Did This Get Made?, Paul, June, and Jason dive headlong into the baffling nightmare that is 1996’s The Adventures of Pinocchio—starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas (“in full effect for the last 30 seconds of this movie”) and Martin Landau. What starts as a teardown of questionable CGI and even weirder narrative choices quickly becomes one of the more unhinged and hilarious explorations the HDTGM trio have done, punctuated by audience questions and wild, personal stories.

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Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. The Movie: A Haunting Adaptation

• General Consensus: The film is "fucked up and weird" (Paul, 02:54). It attempts to reimagine the beloved Pinocchio tale but jettisons innocence for unsettling and occasionally erotic undertones.
• Jason's Take: "I have not ever seen this waking nightmare of a film. This was haunting." (04:15). He dubs it “straight up garbage” and likens the special effects to unfinished animatics: “All of the cg, all of the effects look like previs... like the idea of what we were gonna draw. But then they're like, fuck it, put it in.” (05:06)
• June’s Threshold: Even a luxury hotel stay, usually a reliable boost for June, cannot save the experience: "For me to have such a negative reaction to a movie during a luxury hotel experience means it's really quite, quite bad." (08:14)

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2. Performance & Characters

• JTT vs. Landau: Despite Jonathan Taylor Thomas's top billing, he barely appears: "This is a Martin Landau vehicle, friend. This is part of the Landaussance as far as I'm concerned." (04:37)
• Puppet Design Issues: The Pinocchio puppet and the human child bear little resemblance. "The problem with the puppet though, of JTT Pinocchio was he looked nothing like Jonathan Taylor Thomas at the end." (12:11)
• Accents & Names: Confusion reigns over Jiminy Cricket’s stand-in “Pepe,” Stromboli’s replacement “Lorenzini,” and wild, untethered European accents. “These accents are gonna come and they're gonna go. Can't hang on to them.” (29:46)

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3. Themes & Troubling Content

• Sexual Undertones: The gang repeatedly mentions how inappropriately sexual some sequences are, especially involving Pinocchio’s nose. Jason: “Every time that nose grew, I was like, somebody in this room is turned on. There wasn't me.” (05:43)
• Disturbing Imagery: From Geppetto and naked-Pinocchio’s bath scene (“Martin Landau is wearing clothes in the bath. Fucking Italians.” (19:49)) to sawdust sneezes and overtly erotic whale-escape scenes (“Look at this first moment where Pinocchio's nose is. Enters frame while he and Martin Landau are in the same shot—is pretty sexual, I think.” (37:20) )

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4. Narrative Illogic & Weird Worldbuilding

• Rules of Magic: Confusion about how the magic works: only Pinocchio is alive since he was carved from a magic tree; the rest are just marionettes. (14:40)
• Geppetto’s Backstory: Uncomfortably “problematic,” as Geppetto is in love with Leona, his brother’s wife, and the magic is drawn from that unrequited love, not a parental wish for a child. (15:08–19:15)
• No Reaction to Living Puppet: No one in town seems fazed by a talking, walking wooden child. “There is a wooden boy walking and living amongst us... No one's frightened by him. He is a part of society. Which makes me go, did he do this before?” (32:01–32:46)

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5. The Book vs. the Movie: Audience Q&A Deep Dives

• Why Turn Kids into Donkeys?: During the audience Q&A, one attendee summarizes the original book’s grim details: “They turned them into donkeys to kill them and sell them for skin.” (24:46)
• Recurring Audience Questions:
  • Why donkeys? (60:06) “How do donkeys do good deeds to become boys again?”
  • Why not use regular kids in the puppet show? (58:26)
  • Why is only one character, Dawn French’s baker’s wife, actually frightened by Pinocchio? (57:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Film’s Tone:
  • “If I was ever tricked into taking a child to this, I am creating trauma for my children.” — Paul (05:30)
  • “It was also, like, overtly sexual in any and all ways. Every time that nose grew, I was like, somebody in this room is turned on.” — Jason (05:43)
• On the Running Time:
  • “There was no way the movie was an hour and 45 minutes. This was a five hour movie.” — June (08:37)
• On Pinocchio’s Magic:
  • “Maybe they just wanted it that way...Did Leona and Geppetto’s brother have any children?” — June (17:07)
• On the Morality of Donkey-Transformation:
  • “I think he's trying to get that ass. Sorry, it's not very good wordplay.” — Jason (22:30)
• On the Nose Scene in the Whale:
  • “So, Pinocchio's idea is he'll use his nose to stretch out or irritate the animal so that they can get expelled, basically.” — Paul (37:10)
• On Gold Stars for Nightmare Fuel:
  • “My teenage son said it gave him nightmares. Five stars.” — Amazon Review read by Paul (63:07)
• On Childhood Trauma (Paul’s Family Stories):
  • “My grandmother used to tell me this story when I was a kid that I needed to lock the door to my house because when she lived in Garden City there was a little boy and he didn’t lock his door and one day he was in his bed...” (46:45ff) — leads to horrified reactions from both Jason and June

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Wildest Tangents

• Paul’s Stories of Childhood Terror (46:39+)
  Paul shares the story his grandmother told him about a butcher kidnapping children who forgot to lock their doors (47:07), and a prank his stepfather played involving a fake escaped serial killer during a backyard campout (51:05), prompting shock from June and Jason.

  “To even make an 8 year old aware of the concept of murder for pleasure... is insane.” — Jason (52:45)

• CD-ROM Game Spin-Off (65:22)
  Paul reveals that there was a Pinocchio video game, featuring live-action sequences even creepier than the movie. “This is straight up terrifying.” — Paul (66:25)

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Timestamps for Highlights

• [02:21] Live from Chicago & Intro to the Film — “We saw the Adventures of Pinocchio, so you know what that means...”
• [05:30] The Sexual Subtext & Trauma — “If I was ever tricked into taking a child to this, I am creating trauma...”
• [08:14] June’s Reactions: Luxury Hotel & Endurance — “Such a negative reaction... means it’s really quite quite bad.”
• [12:11] Puppet’s Bizarre Likeness to JTT
• [15:08] Geppetto’s Magic, Love Triangle Explained
• [19:49] The Bathroom Scene
• [21:07] “Human Trafficked” by Lorenzini
• [23:15] Donkey Transformation & Original Book Deep Dive
• [29:46] The Accents Debate
• [34:28] Girls Missing from Pinocchio’s Italy
• [36:05] Pinocchio’s Nose: Missed Morality
• [37:10] Escape From the Whale & Overtly Sexual Scene
• [46:39] Paul’s Grandmother’s Butcher Story
• [51:05] Camping Serial Killer Prank
• [55:58] Audience Q: The Fish Puppet & Donkey Deeds
• [63:07] Five Star Amazon Reviews
• [65:22] Pinocchio CD-ROM Spin-Off
• [68:03] Would You Recommend This Movie?

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Final Recommendations (and Condemnation)

• Unanimous Do Not Recommend.
  Jason: “I didn’t care for it and it was not fun enough.” (68:10)
  June: “I have to spend time erasing some images and imagery that I saw.” (68:14)
  Paul: “I don't know if I would recommend this movie either, but it's so bizarre.” (70:13) (He briefly wavers but ultimately agrees: "No, I would watch Drop Dead Fred over this. I would. Yes, indeed. Just for the pain. This has scarred me on a deep, deep level." (71:32))

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Audience Q&A (55:52–61:07):

Standout Questions:

• Why does only one character react to Pinocchio's weirdness? (57:08)
• Why not just cast real boys in the puppet show? (58:26)
• How can donkey-boys do good deeds when they’re donkeys? (60:06)
• “Can we talk about the POV shots from Pinocchio where he's basically like a serial killer shot?” (60:47)

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Not To Be Missed:

• Amazon Five Star Reviews of Terror: “My teenage son said it gave him nightmares. Five stars.” (63:07)
• Jason on the film’s missed comic opportunities: “There was very little lying. There was very little nose growing...I thought that was Pinocchio's whole thing!” (36:05)
• Paul’s family horror stories, deeply bewildering June and Jason. (46:39ff)

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Conclusion

A fever dream of a children’s film, The Adventures of Pinocchio gets the full HDTGM treatment: disbelief, laughter, and outright horror. With themes and visuals more disturbing than enchanting, and a baffling disregard for child psychology, the hosts and audience agree this one’s best left to the annals of weird 90s cinema history. As Jason puts it, "This was haunting."

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For a deeper dive, catch the mini-episode follow-up and join the conversation.

Transcript

[Paul Scheer]

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[Jason Mantzoukas]

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[Paul Scheer]

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[June Diane Raphael]

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[Paul Scheer]

tax aide, ready to pounce on any tax needs you might have.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

TaxAct is dying to pounce on some small business tax needs.

[June Diane Raphael]

TaxAct and let's get them Over With.

[Paul Scheer]

It's a movie where you get an accent. You get an accent.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You get an accent, we all get an accent.

[Paul Scheer]

We saw the Adventures of Pinocchio, so you know what that means. Hey everybody. Now it's time for

[Jason Mantzoukas]

hdtgm.

[Paul Scheer]

Hey everybody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now it's time for. Hello people of Earth and hello people of Chicago.

[Paul Scheer]

We are live at the Chicago Theater. Holy. This is amazing. Chicago, home of how did this get made? First you saw Hurricane Heist, you saw Blues Brothers. But we didn't torture you enough with those two films. We needed to turn it up a notch and we did with the Jonathan Taylor Thomas Martin Landau fantasy child's film

[June Diane Raphael]

film

[Paul Scheer]

JTT in full effect for the last 30 seconds of this movie. The Adventures of Pinocchio is everything that you love about the beloved classic Pinocchio, but really fucked up and weird. It's like they took all the children aspects out and replaced it with like David lynch crazy. It's going to be very hard to talk about this movie because Jiminy Cricket's not called Jiminy Cricket. Stromboli is not called Stromboli. So we may have to get around that a little bit. But to help break it down, Tonight, we have two amazing people. My two co hosts. Please welcome first Mr. Jason Mantzoukas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's up, jerks? What's up, Chicago? How we doing? Balcony. Well, well, well. We meet again, Jason. Paul.

[Paul Scheer]

Have you ever seen this movie before?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have not ever seen this waking nightmare of a film. This was haunting.

[Paul Scheer]

It was like a diamond in the rough that no one even mentioned it. Like, in the millions of suggestions that we get for this show, no one ever said, did you know there's a Jonathan Taylor Thomas Pinocchio movie?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Never heard that you would characterize this as a Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie. This is a Martin Landau vehicle, friend. This is part of the Landau essence as far as I'm concerned.

[Paul Scheer]

We can agree to disagree. I mean, JTT is getting top billing

[Jason Mantzoukas]

in this and he's in it for barely minutes, but his voice.

[Paul Scheer]

His voice is in it the entire film. Oh, so good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This was straight up garbage. This was like. This was. It reminded me of another terrible. All of the cg, all of the effects look like previs.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They look like the big. Like the idea of what we were gonna draw. But then they're like, fuck it, put it in.

[June Diane Raphael]

We're in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're in.

[Paul Scheer]

It is a disturbing movie, especially as a father going, if I was ever tricked into taking a child to this, I am creating trauma for my children.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It was also, like, overtly sexual in any and all ways. Every time that nose grew, I was like, somebody in this room is turned on. There wasn't me.

[Paul Scheer]

Way too many mouths open with water jutting into it, too.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That was like, slowed down and they were like, getting a gulp.

[Paul Scheer]

Pinocchio meets Flashdance. Well, I know that someone here is gonna have a very strong opinion about this film. She is my other co host. Please welcome June. Diane Raphael. How are you, June?

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm doing okay. How are you?

[Paul Scheer]

I'm fine, thank you for asking. June. We watched the Adventures of Pinocchio together today.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. And let me just say set the scene because we're staying in a very nice hotel. I love a luxury hotel experience, but

[Jason Mantzoukas]

let's not tell anyone.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm not going to say where it is. I'm feeling. It's a Sheraton.

[Paul Scheer]

Four points. Get used to it. If you're in Naperville, come knock on our door.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm just going to say it's a very. It's a luxury experience.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure.

[Paul Scheer]

It's between a subway and a Domino's. And it's totally cool if you send it up. To the room.

[June Diane Raphael]

And I love that experience so much that I'm willing, I'm willing and able to watch whatever comes my way. I mean, you saw when you came back last night what I was watching.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. We were watching Chicago Live. The replay. It's at night.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So it's a replay of what is a live morning show?

[June Diane Raphael]

I think so. And it was still.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And it's still called Chicago Live, even though it's the replay.

[June Diane Raphael]

But I can fall into whatever the TV has to offer me happily.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, if I'm in a hotel, Guy Fieri is on. I mean, Triple D, baby. But if I'm at home, if I'm at home and Guy Fieri comes across the screen, I'm like, this fucking guy. Get him out of here. But in a hotel, I'm like, this is the best thing I've ever seen.

[June Diane Raphael]

Absolutely. I'm just happy to be there, happy to have been invited to the experience.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[June Diane Raphael]

And so for me to have such a negative reaction to a movie during a luxury hotel experience means it's really quite, quite bad.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Like, would you rather watch this movie again or have 1 hour and 45 minutes of diarrhea? Like, isn't that's the life story?

[June Diane Raphael]

There was no way the movie was an hour and 45 minutes. This was a five hour movie.

[Paul Scheer]

96 minutes. That felt longer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It has to be longer. 96 minutes.

[Paul Scheer]

It felt like longer than Endgame and Infinity War put together.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'd watched, I'll say this, I watched the whole movie. Then I clicked on it to see how far it had progressed. 22 minutes. I was like, that can't be right. I've watched all of Gepetto's nightmares now.

[Paul Scheer]

It was a tricky 96 minutes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now, I, I, I don't remember. I guess the story of Pinocchio was Pedro the Cricket part of it.

[Paul Scheer]

Jiminy the Cricket.

[June Diane Raphael]

That's what Paul and I thought. We turned to each other and said, wasn't it Jiminy Cricket?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jiminy Cricket. Though my belief is the Pinocchio story must be public domain. Anybody can tell it. But my guess is Jiminy Cricket was a Disney creation.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I think the idea of a cricket that has the moral compass for Pinocchio is true. And I think then Disney may have labeled him as Jiminy and that was it. Because also all the characters in the classic Pinocchio tale, I mean, there's a lot of differences. I think this is more based on the book.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay, so the book Pinocchio. Well, yes, the book Pinocchio. I Mean, I remember reading Pinocchio and I. I don't think that's what I saw. I mean, this is not the story that I remember and see the title now. It did make a little more sense that this is just one of the many adventures of Pinocchio.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, this is June. This is all the adventures.

[June Diane Raphael]

This is one of many.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because he's one of many. Pinocchio. He is made a child slave turned into a donkey. He is his part of the, the. The show. He is the lead of the musical performance. He is swallowed by a sea monster.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, who was a man?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who was a man? Like, I think these are in fact all of the adventures.

[Paul Scheer]

This is like, there isn't another Pinocchio story. Or is there? Because there was a sequel to this film. The sequel was released three years later. It was called the New Adventures of Pinocchio.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Please tell me he comes to contemporaries Earth.

[Paul Scheer]

Martin Landau did reprise his role.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Paul Scheer]

And Udo Kerr came back not as Lorenzini, but as Lorenzini's wife, Madame Flambeau. So he went a different direction. And then Gabrielle Thompson played the title role replacing JTT. By the way, June, this is 96. Were you a JTT head?

[June Diane Raphael]

See, I was 16. I was a little too old to be a full JTT head.

[Paul Scheer]

Got it.

[June Diane Raphael]

I mean, I remember knowing of him and seeing him in, in the, you know, on the rags, but I did.

[Paul Scheer]

Was he getting a lot of gossip

[Jason Mantzoukas]

rag on the rags?

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, he was.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When you were having your period, you

[June Diane Raphael]

would see you were gonna say that

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jonathan Taylor Thomas, like, oh, no, my Aunt Flo's visiting. Guess I'm gonna see JTT's face everywhere. I only seem to see it when I'm on the rags.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, I was like a few years too old for him, but not me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I loved him.

[June Diane Raphael]

The problem with the puppet though, of JTT Pinocchio was he looked nothing like Jonathan Taylor Thomas at the end.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He looked much younger than Jonathan Taylor Thomas. When Pinocchio the.

[June Diane Raphael]

The man by about 10 years, he

[Jason Mantzoukas]

looks like a, I don't know, 6 year old boy, something in there. And Jonathan Taylor Thomas appears to be 12 when he transforms into a human boy.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I mean, at the end of the movie, you think, you know, he's gonna be asking for like a sister, but he's like, get me a girlfriend, Dad. I want to fuck some wood dolls now. Get some dick splinters.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So here's my question. Here's my question. Just because you brought it up, this is my genuine question. He's now A real boy. He's been transformed into a living boy played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Why not try and get a girlfriend amongst the living? Why have Geppetto carve a wooden girlfriend? You then will have to find a magical way to bring that marionette to. Do you know the odds of twice transforming? Or he's just gonna.

[Paul Scheer]

That.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That wooden.

[June Diane Raphael]

So. But this is what is so weird about the movie. I mean, I asked the very same question when Pinocchio is trying to save other puppets in the theater scene, because it's as though he's saving his friends and. And actual people. And I did not know if. I mean, is the premise of this movie that every puppet has the potential to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't think so.

[Paul Scheer]

I was doing some thinking about this, too, June. Because you said you were. Yes, because when June said we were watching it and Pepe, Jiminy Cricket says, go save your brothers and sisters. They never come to life, but they're treated like when two of them are left on the ground for dead. Like, oh, he left them for dead. But then I remember in the beginning of the movie, Martin Landau and his great attention accent says, meet your brothers and sisters. And so I think it was sort of like a little bit of like a flour sack baby scenario for Pepe was sort of like, hey, if you want to be a responsible real boy, you gotta care about people. And that was his first challenge, huh? Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe I don't get what I get.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, I get it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What I thought was, I think all the other marionettes are just that marionettes. Because the Pinocchio marionette was carved from the tree that had the heart carved into it. That was the magic that allowed for him to have infused in him the love of Geppetto and Leona.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That their love is the bit of magic that allowed him to come. But no, no, no, no.

[Paul Scheer]

I just want to pull this back because I want to get to your saying, but that's a problematic thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hashtag problematic.

[Paul Scheer]

Because Geppetto was in love with the woman who married his brother. Didn't seem like she was in love with him or knew about it till he was rowing off the seas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, by the way, I fucking love you also.

[Paul Scheer]

And you're like, I don't have time for this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Also, this is. Do you have access to the movie right there?

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can you, while I set this up, go to the very last beat of Geppetto. After Pinocchio runs away, we have a shot of just Geppetto and Leona, and it's now they are in love, they live happily ever after. And she looks miserable.

[Paul Scheer]

And there you have it. Geppetto and Leona lived happily ever after.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They lived happily ever after. He touches her shoulder. She recoils.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yes, she looks like she is not there at her own will.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She does. She. It literally looks like she's being held prisoner by the puppet maker.

[Paul Scheer]

She expected him, and rightly so, to die at sea. And she didn't want to be like, I never loved you in that moment, because she thought that would be too harsh. And now she's, what a. You know, what a wicked web we weave when we try to deceive. Am I right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What if we reversed around this right now? What if in this shot we reversed all the way around and saw what they were looking at and it was just the. The. The Pinocchio marionette lying on the ground and the whole thing was Martin Landau's crazy. His. He. He was insane. And everyone is humoring him.

[June Diane Raphael]

Did anyone else think that the magic. That Pinocchio might be the spirit of Geppetto's brother?

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, hold on. What now?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How so?

[June Diane Raphael]

I think there's a world in which, because the magic of the movie is so strange, I don't know if he's their child. Did Leona and Geppetto's brother have any children?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Doesn't seem like it.

[Paul Scheer]

No, it doesn't seem like they. Like, the brother was a really interesting add on because it felt like it was always an unrequited love. And then at a certain point, it's revealed, oh, that was a Leona. And he was married. She was married to my brother.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, what was interesting is when we. We in the beginning scene is when they're carving the tree. Carving. He's carving the initials in the tree. And they're young. And then it cuts to, like they say, a few years later, but it's. Martin Landau is an old man.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

By the way, he missed his shot, like, by a lot.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, by the way, I love the opening VO in this movie because you're introduced to Geppetto through his voiceover, which just sounds like an old man, like, ordering a bagel. I just gimme. And the poppy seeds and, And. And tomatoes. Not too much. It's like yelling at you. Am I.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Might as well be Richard kind narrating this movie. I don't know what.

[Paul Scheer]

What is going on with.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

All right, so I'm a baker. I'm carving my initials in a tree.

[June Diane Raphael]

I always thought the story of Pinocchio was that Geppetto wanted a Child, I don't believe that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't think the legend of Pinocchio has as its root like an enchanted log.

[Paul Scheer]

No, I mean, the whole idea. Well, this is the issue they have. He's in love with Leona, so the love becomes enchanted. So his love.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The lightning strikes it, too, I think.

[Paul Scheer]

Right. So his love then gets him a boy. It's like, oh, I would love to be in love. You got a son, huh? Okay, I get. I mean, yeah, it's. It's sort of like I'm in kind of the right place. I got the lift, left me in the general area. I got to walk a little bit further to get to where I want to go. But, like, it's a weird. It's a weird thing that he gets a boy because he's in love. Not.

[June Diane Raphael]

I wonder, though, in making this movie, they were. You know, because it was live action, they felt it was too creepy to have a man of Landau's age just want a little boy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I have.

[Paul Scheer]

You think he avoided creepy stuff?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, I have an update. They did not succeed. This was straight up erotic.

[Paul Scheer]

The first moments that Pinocchio comes to life when. And I'll say it the Italian way, when Pinocchio comes to life, he immediately gets into a bathtub with Martin Landau.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Martin Landau is wearing clothes in the bath. Fucking Italians.

[Paul Scheer]

I literally thought that Martin Lando was like, I can't be naked, and a little boy gets in the bathtub. Like, I can't.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because the little boy puppet is also naked. He's not wearing anything at that point. Right? Yes, but I don't mean Jonathan Taylor Thomas is doing that on set.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, And I don't think that the little boy. I don't think Pinocchio was Carved genitalia.

[Paul Scheer]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We don't know.

[Paul Scheer]

And that's kind of what the sequel gets into.

[June Diane Raphael]

Now, listen, Did I cry during the courtroom scene when they ripped Pinocchio away? I did, June. I did sob.

[Paul Scheer]

Not cried. Sobbed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whoa, whoa.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, you sobbed that. The evil puppet owner. The court decides. Evil puppet owner. You get this kid. And then the evil puppet guy's like, come with me, son. Now he's his son.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then later, Pinocchio is like, well, Lorenzini is my papa now. I was like, oh, this poor kid is literally being human trafficked.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Between people in the same town. His father is, like, five blocks away, and he's in the theater. Like, guess I live here now. I'm the star of the show. But what about my papa? He's literally over there.

[Paul Scheer]

I will say I was impressed with how off book he was at that show. It seemed like he was given away in court in the afternoon, and by nighttime he was ready to go. He had all the lyrics, by the way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Not a bad gig. He's the star of the show. Everybody. He's improvising. Everybody thinks he's hilarious. He's getting paid in gold coins. Like, not too bad for a kid who was born, like, a month ago, speaking fluent English.

[June Diane Raphael]

It's so crazy, though, that this evil guy is involved in children's theater.

[Paul Scheer]

When they cut to that audience at night, it's all. It's children. And what is he doing with these children? Because. Because he's entertaining them there. But then he also has a side gig where he's turning kids into donkeys.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Like, merge the two. Like, why don't you put the theater and the donkey thing together? You gotta run two separate businesses.

[June Diane Raphael]

But why does he. Why does he want to turn little boys into donkeys? Why?

[Paul Scheer]

We don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think he's trying to get that ass. Sorry, it's. It's not. It's not very good wordplay. Not very good wordplay. The whole booze. Booze from Chicago. Fair enough. I couldn't figure out. I couldn't figure out if that's because he was, like, selling them as, like, work animals or. I don't. I literally was like. I don't know what this is.

[June Diane Raphael]

Like, he. I mean, if you just look at them as his customers, like, why. It just, from a business perspective, didn't make. Makes sense.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I thought they were being sent to, like, work in the mines or something, and then they all turned into donkeys, and I was like. Or then. No, no, what it is. I'm sorry, is anybody gets turned into whatever they're acting like. So they happen to be acting like jackasses turned into jackasses.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, that is in the Disney cartoon. They all turn into jackasses in the Disney cartoon, too, but they.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Rod Schneider and that woman got turned into a fox and a cat.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, wait.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right.

[Paul Scheer]

And yet he got turned into, like, a human whale.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So they get turned into what they are. A monster. But. So I couldn't figure out.

[Paul Scheer]

Here, let's listen to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why does this happen?

[Paul Scheer]

Let's listen to what Vinzini says here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Act like a jackass if you have the nerve. Drink up the water. Get what you deserve. Be you wicked. Be naughty. Come drink from my fountain. Then I will be rich. Oh, yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

So he's. He just happens to have A magic fountain that turns people into animals, but we don't know why.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is that in the book?

[Paul Scheer]

I know that Pleasure Island. They. They go there and they turn into jackasses.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you want to tell us very quickly what the deal is? What are we missing?

[Paul Scheer]

Hold on, let me get.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is there a librarian in the house?

[Paul Scheer]

How many librarians are in here?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait a second.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, you can come.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I get minor house lights up for a second? I do want to hear this. Okay, that's great. I'm going to ask you in a sec.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. Hi. How are you?

[June Diane Raphael]

Good. I'm not a librarian, but I love books. So in the original Pinocchio, it's real fucked up.

[Paul Scheer]

So this is accurate.

[June Diane Raphael]

They turned them into donkeys to kill them and sell them for skin. And the cat and the fox show up a lot to fuck with Pinocchio. I know one time they take him to a tavern and they have him spend all this money for food. And then they rob him and string him up, hang him. And then they encounter him again and they like convince him to bury a bunch of money in a field. And I think then they run up again.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, that happened in this movie.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, yeah. And throughout the. They keep popping up and like throughout the book. And then I know where they turned into.

[Paul Scheer]

For the skins.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

For the skins then they would be skinned.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, so they're turned into. Anything that can turn into skin? No, no, no. They were turned into donkeys for the donkey skin to be made into like drums or something.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, so they were.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They would.

[Paul Scheer]

So there was a big drum market.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Very quickly. If you're a librarian, will you please stand up?

[June Diane Raphael]

Wow, that's a decent number.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

All right. Okay. All right. Oh wow. Look it up there. Lice. This is. These are heroes.

[Paul Scheer]

We love our librarians. All right, so if donkeys are being

[Jason Mantzoukas]

turned into snakes, who wants to fight a librarian? You see where they are? Get em. So we're on a. This tour is just subtly so we can go to cities and wipe out all the librarians.

[Paul Scheer]

We find them and we take them out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, they'll be at. How did this get made? They'll be easy picking. How did this get made?

[Paul Scheer]

America's best network just got bigger.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Switch to T mobile today and get

[Paul Scheer]

built in benefits the other guys leave out. Plus our five year price guarantee. And now T mobile is available in US Cellular stores. Best mobile network based on analysis by Oogle of speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 bigger network. The combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile Network's coverage price guarantee on talk text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. See t mobile.com for details from. Premieres April 19th on MGM. In a small, inescapable town, understanding the monsters may be the only way out. Desperate hope may lead residents toward even darker truths. I think they're doing it to make us afraid.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, then it worked.

[Paul Scheer]

Something ancient is feeding off of their suffering, and it won't stop. Survival will demand impossible choices. From season four. Premieres April 19th on MGM. I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value. Mm. The Cambria Hotel's got it all. A rooftop bar. Have a ball. Cocktails up here. Feel just right. Ms. Cambria.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

All right. Bring a date, your team, or even your mom. Book [e-mail]. see you on the roof.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

All right.

[Paul Scheer]

So that description is disturbing. They are to be skinned for their skin. For their skin. They're turned into, like, drums. That's bizarre. But it does answer a big question for me because when I saw Rob Schneider, I said, is he supposed to be playing a lion? He looks to me like a performer in the Broadway version of Cats. Yes. BB Neuwirth doesn't look like a cat, but he looks like an animal. Like, he does look bizarre in this movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He is. I was shocked when Rob Schneider came on screen. I was like, oh, oh, what's up with. What are we doing here? I mean, this is what it was. Their whole subplot was fascinating because he appears to be like. Like, not in control of any. He is like, a straight up moron throughout.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In a fascinating way. The fact that he got turned into a fox, I was like, okay. But, like, he should be turned into a jackass, I think.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, he's a foxy guy. He's not a jackass, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I guess so. I guess so.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, let's listen to a little bit of BB Newhurst, who I thought was Kate Hudson for a majority of the film.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really?

[Paul Scheer]

She looks like.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Excuse me, but haven't you two got a push card to Rob. We've already done that.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, but Geppetto, darling, we were just playing with him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He'll play with his own sword.

[Paul Scheer]

Thank you. And one sword.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now, these three people are supposed to all be Italian. Correct. All three of these people are doing Italian accents.

[June Diane Raphael]

These accents are gonna come and they're gonna go. Can't hang on to them.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. The context clues is that this is Italy. But, I mean, John The Taylor Thomas just speaks straight up, like he's on Home Improvement.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And all the. And all the kids all, like, the kind of stuff street urchin kids talk. Like they are, like newsies from the 20s.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yes. Or they're British.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. And I'm just like, Rob Schneider's eyebrows are on, like, another level.

[Paul Scheer]

A lot of eyebrows. A lot of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A lot of, like, that, like, reddish brick color.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. I don't like that.

[Paul Scheer]

I'll tell you what was wrong, weird about this movie. In a children's film, to watch your main character get shot. That was bizarre. A bizarre moment to watch him get shot and then play himself as a recorder or some sort of musical instrument.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But I also thought my. My whole thing was. Okay, I get it. Geppetto made him a mouth. That's cool. He's gonna eat. Okay, great. He likes sweets and stuff. Did Geppetto make him an asshole? Like, is he just filling up with stuff? How's he getting rid of it?

[Paul Scheer]

Is he like a giant pinata? Are you, like, at one point, should they break open his belly and everyone runs?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Shot cream and sweets should come pouring out of him. It's gone nowhere else.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, when he sneezes. Sawdust. Sawdust covers that teacher's face.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. So that teacher is standing there, by the way, waiting for it. The nose and boosh. Straight face, shot of sawdust. Just like the porns I watch on pornhub. Sawdust porn.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, we're getting into the school part and the kids. And there is something very bizarre about this movie. Besides everything that we've just mentioned for the last 40 minutes, it's the fact that no one has any real, like, reaction to. There is a wooden boy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

Walking and living amongst us.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Geppetto. Geppetto never once tries to hide it. Like when. When Pinocchio gets out of the house, Geppetto just picks him up, is like, oh, my God. Picks him up and walks hand in hand with him rather than carrying him so that nobody will see. Like, an enchanted puppet is walking through the streets of Italy.

[Paul Scheer]

Yep.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And everybody's like, oh, cool. Cool, man.

[Paul Scheer]

Hey, Wood.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Magic puppet.

[Paul Scheer]

Ah, cool. Hey, they give him a nickname. Hey, Woody. You know, they start to punch him. They throw balls at him. Like, no one's frightened by him. He is a part of society. Society. Which makes me go, did he do this before? I don't know. I like, is this a town where this happens?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How does Pinocchio end up matriculating in school? How does he get a desk? How does he know to go there. How does he get. What. What did the. Did the attendants get called Pinocchio? New student Pinocchio here?

[Paul Scheer]

Like, he just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How did that happen?

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, simply. It happened the same way that everything in this movie happens. He just sees something and gets in line.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Then he's there on a bus going to school.

[June Diane Raphael]

He just simply sees a line of boys and just tags on to the end. I mean, there are worse ways to go through life than to just sort

[Jason Mantzoukas]

of tagging along at the end of a line of boys.

[June Diane Raphael]

They're probably going somewhere.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You should be. I'll give it a try, but I can't imagine it going well, I gotta say, what's the story? You guys getting on this school bus? All right, I'll do it. I gotta say, I mean, you have

[June Diane Raphael]

to remember there's quite literally nothing in his head. There's nothing inside his head.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How does he know anything? How does he know anything?

[Paul Scheer]

Well, that's the weird thing about him. He knows enough when he's immediately born to give Geppetto a bar of soap for the bath, but then crawls in with him, but then doesn't know other simple things. Like, he'll be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. Weird. Yeah, there are some weird things. I just wanted to say one thing about the school, and I think this is about, you know, I just want to say, like, this is where Italian schools are so great. You just show up any day, they'll put you in. You know, it's not like American school system. It's a real good school system there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're really negative on American schools also.

[June Diane Raphael]

I guess girls just don't go to school there in Italy.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. Are there many women? There's not many. Yeah, there's not many. There's no. I don't think I saw any young girls at all in this.

[June Diane Raphael]

There's a couple who are watching the puppet show.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay.

[June Diane Raphael]

And that's it.

[Paul Scheer]

The puppet show, by the way, that was. That music was all done by Brian May from Queen.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, wow.

[Paul Scheer]

He wrote a seven minute puppet opera for that. You can hear it on the soundtrack, which also includes a song from Stevie Wonder,

[Jason Mantzoukas]

to be fair. Also, there will be more girls in class when Geppetto gets around to carving them. That's true.

[June Diane Raphael]

I felt like the fun that we didn't have in this. This movie and the scenes that I wanted to see were. And maybe I'm remembering the. The cartoon. Yeah, yeah. But we never got to see him also pretend to be a puppet, like, have to. There's one scene where he just sort of falls asleep. But the. The sheer comedy of watching him have to pretend to have strings and be a puppet when he is a. Well, not boy, but whatever.

[Paul Scheer]

He is a sentient law.

[June Diane Raphael]

Sentient. A sentient doll. I felt like we. There were just so many missed opportunities there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There was also very little of what I consider to be Pinocchio's like, true thing, which is there was very little lying. There was very little nose growing because he was.

[June Diane Raphael]

The whole thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I thought that was pin. Pinocchio's like whole. With great power comes great responsibility.

[Paul Scheer]

You know, they kind of blew it out in that schoolroom scene. It grew so big, so fast. So oddly phallically too like that. You're like, never again.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They never did.

[Paul Scheer]

I've learned my lesson by watching that nose grow so dramatically.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you. Do you have the scene with the. In the whale in the. This is the scene. This is overtly sexual. So they're in the. Pinocchio and Geppetto have been swallowed by the Lorenzini once he's turned into the sea monster. So they're both in the monster's belly and they crawl all the way to the monster's throat. But it's too tight to get through. They can't. We can. You okay? Yeah. It's too tight to get through. So Pinocchio's idea is he'll use his nose to stretch out or irritate the animal so that they can get expelled, basically.

[Paul Scheer]

So basically they do like reverse bulimia here and they make him puke from the inside with his long, long nose. But by the way, they could have totally gotten out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now look at this first moment where Pinocchio's nose is. Enters frame while he and Martin Landau are in the same shot is pretty sexual, I think. Eye contact. Eye contact. I know what I have to do.

[Paul Scheer]

I hate you, Papa.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[June Diane Raphael]

I never ever missed you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a Malay.

[June Diane Raphael]

I wish I never found.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's going right to his mouth. Right towards his mouth.

[June Diane Raphael]

I never wanted to be your son.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Paul Scheer]

It's. It's a.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Paul Scheer]

It's such a bold shot to just have the nose, the flesh colored nose. Enter frame.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a lie.

[June Diane Raphael]

The story. The story of Pinocchio. And maybe I didn't watch it that closely as a child, but the story was always, this is a. This is a puppet who lies too much and his nose grows bigger. He does want to be a real boy, but in order to become a real boy, he has to stop lying and start telling the truth. And that's how he becomes a real boy.

[Paul Scheer]

I also thought that it was. There was morals throughout, but the nose never stopped. Like, the nose growing was always a thing here. It just kind of stopped. Stopped. Like he never grew again. And he seemed to tell lies later

[Jason Mantzoukas]

in the movie mostly. Like, you know, wouldn't each adventure involve lying or not or learning lessons that are significant towards becoming a better person, thus warranting becoming a human boy and following through on being the best possible version. Isn't it a morality tale?

[Paul Scheer]

Each.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Each of them should be something. A lesson learned.

[Paul Scheer]

I think that that was what they were trying to do. But they also introduce, like, the moral compass of him so late in the movie. Like that Pepe character comes in so late. I mean, because here he goes like, this is. This is Jiminy Cricket talking about miracles.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Out of the woods, huh?

[Paul Scheer]

What are you doing now?

[June Diane Raphael]

Watching you clap.

[Paul Scheer]

Why?

[June Diane Raphael]

So I can buy a miracle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Any particular brand?

[June Diane Raphael]

Real boy brand. Here's how it works. You dig a hole, you plant your gold, you let it cook.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The first lesson about trust is learning whom to trust.

[Paul Scheer]

Didn't this gold deal seem a little shaky?

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know.

[Paul Scheer]

A little. And let me guess. You ignored your instincts, didn't you?

[June Diane Raphael]

Maybe.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, we're watching cgi. We're watching CGI on top of CGI here. It's like they're like they've created a character that really, what you said, it looks so bad. And then it's on top of something that doesn't look great either. And it's a. And this is a long scene between two CGI characters who are not there and don't look good together. They don't look like they're in the same world.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, it is clunky as fuck, this stuff.

[Paul Scheer]

Wallace. Sean was the original voice of this cricket.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

Was in the trailer. And they said. And the voice of the cricket. Well, Sean. But something happened, and he is not the voice of the cricket in the movie. But this is where he kind of, I think, tells maybe to the president of the cricket union. He keeps on saying he's the president of the cricket union. And union rules say that he has to stay with Pinocchio. But are crickets moralistic creatures?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, that's like. Is like. Is there a cricket? Is there, like. Are crickets in this world like guardian angels? One is assigned to a boy or a child and is meant to look after. I don't know.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know. I also could not understand the cricket I just simply could not hear what was being said.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But. Talk about your papa or I'll be

[Paul Scheer]

falling down on the job.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, look again. I watch everything with subtitles on, so I'm mostly just reading.

[June Diane Raphael]

I forced Paul tried to watch this movie with subtitles on, and I turned it off.

[Paul Scheer]

It's true. You want to enjoy the magic of the cinema that's happening.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You. You respect the visual image.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't watch my movies and read

[Jason Mantzoukas]

them, but yet one of the characters you could not understand.

[Paul Scheer]

That's part of the joy of movie watching.

[June Diane Raphael]

Maybe they wanted it that way.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, clearly we. We have some questions about this movie. We've. We've barely kind of tackled many of them before.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm sorry, we have not talked about this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, we are getting it to it where I wanted to open it

[Jason Mantzoukas]

up, but I land out bathing clothes. Puppet tries to get in bath with him, question mark, exclamation point. How does he know how to talk, question mark, question mark.

[June Diane Raphael]

He does impressions.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Go ahead. What was it? Why doesn't Leona freak out that the puppet can talk and walk?

[Paul Scheer]

Etc? I wrote down this. I wrote down this isn't his job. Because Geppetto goes, you keep each other busy while I'm at work. So he just makes all those fucking puppets for fun. And then Leona says, oh, I've made these clothes for puppets. And I'm like, is there so much puppet commerce going on in this town?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, Lorenzini basically thinks he's gonna get rich with a puppet show for kids, which itself is.

[Paul Scheer]

And the parents don't attend. The parents don't attend with the children either. That's like, go out. Go see your puppet show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, okay, here we go. How does he have teeth? How does Pinocchio have a full set of white human teeth?

[Paul Scheer]

I'll do one better. How does eating hot peppers translate into breathing fire?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great.

[Paul Scheer]

This man eats a chili pepper, blows into a horn, and creates more fire than a giant flamethrower. All of a sudden, it looks like once upon a time in Hollywood. And he's got these chili peppers to thank.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He gets during the production of his play. Pinocchio gets paid mid show. That's as if someone walked on stage currently and gave me this show's income. He's like, backstage and Lauren Zane, he's like, show's going great, Pinocchio. Listen, here are the gold. Here's the gold I owe you. You're going to be a star. Everything's great. He's like, quick, you're on. What?

[Paul Scheer]

Also, Pinocchio seemingly falls into a puppet orchestra because the conductor is a puppet.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

And then I was like, wait, so are puppeteers like. Like, if they are controlling musician puppets?

[June Diane Raphael]

That's some amazing puppets here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I assumed in the pit were real musicians and a real conductor.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And that the puppet conductor was part of the show.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. But my question was also, what are the puppeteers making of Pinocchio?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, that's a threat.

[June Diane Raphael]

They're doing a.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That right there. That's a threat to their livelihood is

[June Diane Raphael]

about to collapse before their very eyes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Puppeteers should want this kid dead.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This. I don't know. It might catch to the other marionettes. Maybe they're gonna become alive. That's an adventure. When the puppeteers union joins up with the crickets. Union to eradicate Pinocchio.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, this is like a puppet. This is really a union story. I mean, union all the way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would love it if in the sequel, Pinocchio, like, steals an apple and turns back into a wooden boy. A wooden puppet. You don't have to like it.

[June Diane Raphael]

I really didn't like. I really didn't like. I was surprised at the end to realize how attached I was to. To Pinocchio, the wooden puppet, because I really did not like seeing his ears nod off like that or ripped off, too.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The donkey ears are ripped off?

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, they're ripped off. And there's just those sharp edges, those sharp, rough edges.

[Paul Scheer]

Don't you think that his ears should be deformed? Like, he should have, like, cauliflower ears when he turns into a boy because of that? Because at the end, they make like, at the end, it feels like someone goes, yeah, what happened to all those boys that were turned to donkeys? And the narrator quickly is like, oh, yeah, they all got fixed. Wow. Where was the serum? We didn't see that scene. I saw a donkey walking with Pinocchio, and that donkey is going to live. I feel like those boys did not turn back into humans, but they just are glossing over that. Hey, you win some, you lose some. I mean, this reminds me of a story my grandmother used to tell.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, God. Let's all prepare ourselves.

[Paul Scheer]

My grandmother used to tell me this story when I was a kid that I needed to lock the door to my house because when she lived in Garden City. This is where my grandmother lived in New York. She's like, when I lived in Garden City, there was a little boy and he didn't lock his door. And one day he was in his bed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I Already know this is deeply irresponsible of her, of her to have said.

[Paul Scheer]

And he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. And then he got really nervous and he got under his bed and he was under the sheets. And the door opened. Creak it out. And then the boy looked and it was the local butcher. And he got scared. And then all of a sudden, the butcher grabbed him. And the mom came home, the boy wasn't there. She brought home her chopped meat.

[June Diane Raphael]

No, Paul, stop. Stop it right now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are you talking about? Your grandpa and what?

[Paul Scheer]

And the mother.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are you talking about?

[Paul Scheer]

And then as the mother was making hamburgers for her son, she started making hamburgers that the hamburger meat starts like.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Mama. No, Mama, Wait, Paul. The chopped meat. The meat knew because the meat was the boy. The meat. But the. But that again, that's. No. Once it's turned into meat, the kid wouldn't know at that point. It's just meat, you know? Oh, unreal.

[June Diane Raphael]

I am shaken on my insides.

[Paul Scheer]

My grandmother was a part of the cricket union, so I will put that out there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What are you talking about? Every step of that story is fundamentally irresponsible.

[Paul Scheer]

And I told you a much abbreviated

[Jason Mantzoukas]

version of it, that the butcher came. So your grandmother lived in Gardens City, in an environment where meat was so scarce that the local butcher would go house to house looking for unlocked doors and kids left alone at home.

[Paul Scheer]

Yep. I was a latchkey kid.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Was this because you were a latchkey kid?

[Paul Scheer]

Yep.

[June Diane Raphael]

She was trying to get you when you came home from school, before your parents came home from work, to lock that door.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And her.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, I mean, that's an. Probably wasn't effective.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did she ever hire someone in a, like, butcher's apron with, like, to just stand outside your window, like,

[Paul Scheer]

Sharpening those

[Jason Mantzoukas]

knives, chop it up. Wow. Oh, boy.

[Paul Scheer]

That.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That could be the T shirt.

[Paul Scheer]

As I'm.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

As I'm telling you, it could be the butcher outside the window.

[Paul Scheer]

As I'm telling you the story, I'm realizing that I think that the element that I've messed up is that the burger meat was already frying when the boy says it. So the meat is like, ready to be eaten at that point.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's not that much worse. It's not like, I mean, whether it's cooking or whatever, the kids still been through the chop.

[Paul Scheer]

But I think the addendum was. And then she did serve it.

[June Diane Raphael]

And then she served it to who?

[Paul Scheer]

Her husband.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So they. This is starting to fall apart.

[Paul Scheer]

I. I remember, like a boy being Eaten too. But I know that this memory of the mama, mama, like that's where I cut off. And I. I think that she may have just added that they ate him as well. But I. That. That feels like a cruel twist at the end.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's a total snowpiercer.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, well then should I not tell you the second story? Because now as you're telling me this, it makes me realize this. I mean, this seems like more like in good fun. I think this is in good fun.

[June Diane Raphael]

Wait, hamburger story was in good fun?

[Paul Scheer]

No, this story I'm about to tell you, but maybe, maybe it is life or something perspective of it.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay, I am changed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is.

[June Diane Raphael]

I really am.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you ever catch Paul telling your children similar scary stories?

[June Diane Raphael]

I feel like I have to say, you know, Paul is such a wonderful man. He really is. It's so shocking to hear these things.

[Paul Scheer]

Go ahead, let me tell you this story and then you could tell me from my barometer, save if I'm off or not. The first time I ever had a camping thing with my friends, I had two friends over. We put tents up in the backyard before we went out there for the night. My stepfather called us into the living room and said, guys, I don't want you guys camping out in the backyard because there's a police report on TV that a serial killer just escaped prison and he's a loose. And they said for us to lock our doors, but the kids came over to do camping out in the backyard. And so we really want to camp out. We really want to camp out. And he's like, okay, you can camp out in the backyard. And then we camped out in the backyard and in the middle of the night we would hear this noise like. And then he would basically run into our tent and go. And then we all got really scared.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, you think? Oh, you got real scared, huh?

[Paul Scheer]

And I was about 8 or 9.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That is so young. To even tell an 8 or 9 year old about a serial killer is insane. To even make an 8 year old aware of the concept of murder for pleasure or compulsive murder to explain that is insane to 38 year olds. Never mind, then represent yourself as that serious serial killer throughout. Those kids are somewhere telling this story right now.

[Paul Scheer]

I didn't remember that until right now, but I always thought that was a fun all fun night. A fun, fun camping night was your

[Jason Mantzoukas]

stepfather, Ted Bundy,

[June Diane Raphael]

kind of. So, I mean,

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, we're having fun. Chicago, what a great town. Oh, boy.

[Paul Scheer]

From premieres April 19th on MGM in a small Inescapable town. Understanding the monsters may be the only way out. Desperate hope may lead residents toward even darker truths. I think they're doing it to make us a fool.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, then it worked.

[Paul Scheer]

Something ancient is feeding off of their suffering. And it won't stop. Survival will demand impossible choices from season four. Premieres April 19th on MGM. Choice Hotels get you more of what you value. Here's a little tune to help you remember. Same drive, different day don't you wish you were getting away? Pack your bags and come on through. Texas, Ohio, Alaska, Alaska, we're up there too. Comfort Inn, it's calling your name Save on the stay. Oh, and free waffles are yours to claim. Well, I hope you like my little songbook. [e-mail] there's nothing like your first Mac.

[June Diane Raphael]

Here's what people online are sharing. Rhain says everything is just so smooth and fast. I still can't get over it. Syncing stuff between my phone and this is just chef's kiss. Rincredible488 says Apple Silicon basically cures low battery trauma. That's how they felt with their first Mac. How will you. Introducing the all new MacBook Neo, an amazing Mac at a surprising price. Find out more on apple.comMac

[Paul Scheer]

maybe we should go into the audience.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, I'm gonna start crying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We need a palate cleanser.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, but before we do, I'm gonna put on my special hat. I'll hold the mic hat. This is just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So can we get house lights?

[Paul Scheer]

All right, so here we go. I want you to introduce yourself with your Italian name. We heard a lot of great Italian names here tonight. So introduce yourself with your Italian name and let me hear your question. Yes, you, ma'.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Am.

[Paul Scheer]

Come over here. What's your Italian name and what's your question? Here we go. All right.

[June Diane Raphael]

Jesse.

[Paul Scheer]

No. Great. And your question?

[June Diane Raphael]

My question is, when Geppetto created that puppet inside the monster with, like, the spare fish parts and eyeballs, what did he use to keep it together?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fishing wire? Fishing line. But by the way, that fish boy come to life.

[Paul Scheer]

But by the way, that monster had only been alive for minutes because he drank the water, his eyes bugged out, and I guess like, his inner creature was a giant whale.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Seema.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, that was a bizarre connection. It should have been like a rat or something. All right, we're up here in the balcony with someone wearing a how dare you shirt. It's a June homemade shirt. Says how dare you from our drop dead Fred episode. Your name in Italian. Your affiliation and your question.

[June Diane Raphael]

My legit Italian name is Nicola Isabella Sono Caciano.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, great.

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm at Team Sanity. Actually, this shirt is for the late show.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, Got it.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. So my question. Comment? So everybody, you know, you've been saying that everyone doesn't really see Pinocchio as a puppet, except Dawn French, the baker's wife. She's the only one who sees him and fucking flips out. She's screaming, she's throwing things all over the place. She's the only woke person in this entire movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Or is she not woke because she sees the differences and freaked out? But that's a good point, I think.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, see, I thought she was just mad. I thought she was mad he was ruining her food.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, he was eating all the cream.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, I don't think she was afraid of Pinocchio. I think she was upset that he was ruining all the food she'd made for the wedding. Wasn't that it? She's saying, get out of here. You know, whatever. It's. I feel like.

[Paul Scheer]

I also thought she was like, this is a creature. I'm a scared of this creature. I must kill it. Like, I feel like if it was a boy, she wouldn't be throwing pots at its head.

[June Diane Raphael]

I don't know. I think she probably would. I think she would.

[Paul Scheer]

I mean, she's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Remember, she's Italian.

[Paul Scheer]

Fair point, sir. Your name, your affiliation, your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My name is A. Gregory.

[Paul Scheer]

Great Italian name.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Team Sanity. You don't think. Gregorio. And my question is, since nobody in this town seems to be able to

[Paul Scheer]

tell the difference between a boy and

[Jason Mantzoukas]

a puppet, why wouldn't the guy just hire boys to be in his show?

[Paul Scheer]

Great question. Finally getting somewhere with the balcony.

[June Diane Raphael]

All right,

[Paul Scheer]

Because I. I mean, the simple answer is, well, Pinocchio does look well. Yeah, But I guess. No, I guess they are.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, it's a marionette show.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Children.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And what? Tie strings to their arms?

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're not gonna. Team Sanity. You think that it's okay to just tie strings to kids arms?

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're right, Jason. There's a lot of. This guy really cared about the kids. That's why he turned them into donkeys. To skin them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, to make drums, Italy needs skins.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, ma', am, how about your. Your. Your question, your name, your affiliation, your question?

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay, my name is Milan. Didn't make that up. Team Sanity.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, great, thank you.

[June Diane Raphael]

So my question is, at the end of the movie, they say that the donkeys Turn back to kids based on doing good deeds. How do donkeys do good deeds?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, come on. Donkeys can do good deeds all the time. Donkey. They can, like pull the car at a soup kitchen.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. I mean, donkeys. I think of donkeys as like, as worker animals.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Didn't donkey do a lot of good deeds in the Shrek movies?

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

To answer your question, team sanity lots of ways. Because here's what I think when I look at donkeys. I don't think their net energy is negative. They are capable of positive actions. Maybe it's team sanity thinking that things don't capture can only be bad.

[Paul Scheer]

Ma', am, your name, your affiliation, your question?

[June Diane Raphael]

Jacqueline.

[Paul Scheer]

Great, thank you.

[June Diane Raphael]

Can we talk about the point of view shots from Pinocchio where he's basically like a serial killer shot?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[June Diane Raphael]

Was it like Friday the 13th inspired? It was frightening.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A lot of the CG characters had point of view shots in order to order to make them cheaper. It's cheaper to shoot point of view shots than to have the CG shots of them doing stuff. So they would do that a lot. And it was. I agree. It was very unsettling. All right, everybody.

[Paul Scheer]

Clearly we had opinions about this movie, but now it is time for.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why do I feel like you guys are part of an acapella singing group?

[Paul Scheer]

Now it's time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They have a pitch pipe. I fucking called it. All right.

[Paul Scheer]

We are literally getting told to get off stage. Here we go. Now it's time for second opinions.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When you Rate Films, 5 stars makes no difference who you are, Anything you type will go on Amazon.

[June Diane Raphael]

Amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

What are your names?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Give it up for Corinne, Melissa, Ashley and James.

[Paul Scheer]

These are five star opinions. Cold from Amazon. There were 69.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Total reviews for the film. 67. Five star reviews. And here we go. This is all compiled by Nate Kiley. This one starts off from Marianne Fish. She goes. It's what I wanted. Five stars.

[June Diane Raphael]

She needs to be on a watch list of some sort.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, well, you read these. Can you go back to the preferred Pinocchio image, please?

[June Diane Raphael]

I'm staying right here and waiting for my miracle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Your papa one.

[Paul Scheer]

All

[Jason Mantzoukas]

right, this one, just so you can remember, this is the movie the person wrote the review about.

[Paul Scheer]

This one is written by Cheryl. It says this. This is an unusual production of Pinocchio. You think? My teenage son said it gave him nightmares. Five stars.

[June Diane Raphael]

Okay. I don't think she understood this. The rating system.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a mom. That's a mom who. Who parents like your grandmother

[Paul Scheer]

Georgia Guillary writes a must Buy for children and child daycare centers. Five stars. I don't think we should be putting this in the child daycare center. This one, this one is from Linda S. Kaufman. She writes My sister's granddaughter loves it. Five stars. Kind of a delayed. All right, sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What should I do today? I should write Amazon reviews for my niece's favorite movies or my grand niece.

[Paul Scheer]

And we will end on this one by A. Harenberg, which writes this. Kids films nowadays are brilliant when it comes to scary moments. But this movie was dropped like a ton of bricks on 90s kids. Pinocchio's story pretty much follows the course of a classic fairy tale. Starting out whimsical before taking a dark turn. And I mean seriously dark. I wasn't terrified as a kid, but I'm willing to bet others in the two to six year old crowd were petrified.

[June Diane Raphael]

Two,

[Paul Scheer]

Five motherfucking stars. Oh boy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Before.

[Paul Scheer]

Before we get into whether or not we'd recommend this movie, because I think it's pretty clear what we think about this movie, I wanted to bring up this little piece of trivia that I found about it, which is Avril Halley, our producer on the show, she finds all these movies. She found this terror nightscape for you. Also found that this movie spun off a CD ROM interactive video game starring one of the stars of Ladybugs. And I just wanted to show you. This is the girl from Ladybugs, if you remember. So here, here is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She was the one that Rodney Dangerfield is like, don't worry, when you get older, you're going to be pretty and everybody's going to like you. Or something like that.

[Paul Scheer]

Exactly. So now here's. You are the new Pinocchio. Martin Landau talks to you like this. How are you going to be able to find Pinocchio?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You're not even made of wood.

[June Diane Raphael]

We'll help.

[Paul Scheer]

So you get to follow along with her. And then this is where it gets to terrifying. At the end of the game when she's talking to the donkey boys.

[June Diane Raphael]

Oh, turn this off right now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[June Diane Raphael]

Sadie's trick is that he gets you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a donkey girl.

[June Diane Raphael]

Then he turns you into jackasses. It could never happen to me. It just did. You have.

[Paul Scheer]

This game is straight up terrifying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a game.

[Paul Scheer]

That is a CD ROM interactive game. They just took out all the choices. And by the way, this movie throws around the word jackass a lot for a kids film. Some notes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And is it like a jerk off game asking for a friend?

[Paul Scheer]

The movie came out in 1996. The tagline was, it's a new angle on a classic tale. And that's no lie. And here's the thing. The budget for this movie, $25 million.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What year?

[Paul Scheer]

96.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Paul Scheer]

Opening weekend, 3.8 million.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. By the way, that's not nothing.

[Paul Scheer]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, we came in.

[Paul Scheer]

I think that people probably went to go see JTT. This is the height of JTT madness. The movie came in 100. Out of all the movies made in 1996, the top three were Independence Day, Twister, Mission Impossible. It was beaten by Jingle all the Way, Dragon Heart, the island of Dr. Moreau, escape from LA, the quest, the Glimmer Man, Kazaam, and the Phantom. But it beat barbed wire and love. Lawnmower man two, which we didn't cover on this show, but that's a little fact about it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, there was a Lawnmower man sequel?

[Paul Scheer]

Yep. Lawnmower Man 2. Beyond cyberspace. Oh, God. Jason. June, I go to you now. Would you recommend this movie?

[June Diane Raphael]

Of course not.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No. No.

[Paul Scheer]

You don't even think it's interesting to watch a little bit?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't. Yeah.

[June Diane Raphael]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I didn't care for it and it was not fun enough.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah. I mean, I have to spend time erasing. Erasing some images, images and imagery that I saw.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now, to be fair, after this scene, I came and went to sleep.

[Paul Scheer]

The scene, of course, Jason's referring to is when Pinocchio has cream all over his mouth. That's what we have as our still frame for the whole show, this visual. What I want to just point out, you can search this picture at home. If you type in Pinocchio image, this normally comes up. This is not a shot that someone took. This is a press photo for the movie. So. Yes. That's why it has the water marking on it. So someone thought that this representation of an open mouth, Pinocchio with white cream all over the place mouth was the right way to advertise.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This leads me to believe there was a cut of this movie that was a porno. That, like, when Pinocchio would leave Martin Landau, he would get up into, like, sexy Italian adventures.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, this puppet took nine months to create and operated by 12 different technicians, 12 different people to control this masterpiece.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I didn't like the scene. I didn't. I'm sorry, I'm just noticing a few things I did not like when his flesh, when the wood started to turn into flesh.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I thought that was very creepy and unsettling to look at.

[Paul Scheer]

Sorry. At that point, it Was a relief because it was almost. You knew it was gonna be over. And the tear goes and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, it's his. Yeah. And by the way, when he does turn into a real boy, that version of the puppet looks just like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Like, for a second. You see, it is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but. But no, like, right before it, like, when it's like this, this, you'll see it like. Like that. Like.

[June Diane Raphael]

Yeah, he looks closer to him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I see. I see.

[Paul Scheer]

Maybe that was a little cgi. I don't know if I would recommend this movie either, but it's so bizarre.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And you don't know if you would. I feel like there are some choice

[Paul Scheer]

nuggets in here that are worth, like, watching because it just keeps on going. It's a movie that when I would turn away for just merely, like, two or three seconds, I was completely lost, as if, like, hours had passed. And it's like, so now what's happening? It's like Game of Thrones.

[June Diane Raphael]

We watched it together and we had to recap scenes over and over again. We simply were losing the thread.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I want to be clear, for this audience here and the one at home, you would not recommend watching Drop Dead Fred, but you would recommend watching the Adventures of Pinocchio. First of all, this is a classic team sanity point of view.

[Paul Scheer]

First of all, I don't think that I ever went on record and said I would not recommend watching team. I just said it's not a good movie. Anyway, people, that show was a lot of fun. And now we have to wrap it up. We have to say no. If it was between this and Drop Dead Fred, I'd say, watch this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

Wow.

[June Diane Raphael]

Paul, come on now. So, okay. I know it's all fun. I know it's fun to have a friendly rivalry. There's a lot of energy around it. It's a good time.

[Paul Scheer]

But seriously, no, I would watch Drop Dead Fred over this. I would. Yes, indeed. Just for the pain. This has scarred me on a deep, deep level. All right, so, Jason June, we have done it. We have had many adventures with this Pinocchio character. And there's one last thing for us to do that is to say goodnight.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you, Chakan.

[Paul Scheer]

Hey, everybody. That is our show live from Chicago.

[June Diane Raphael]

Woo.

[Paul Scheer]

Boy, that was a big one. We are continuing the conversation about Pinocchio and it does need to continue on the mini episode, which will be next week. And I implore you, I urge you to check in on what we're doing on the mini episodes. I see that the listenership is going up and I'm loving it and we're doing more and new different stuff and one of the best parts about it is the not only talking about the movie that we are talking about on the episode. This of course will be Pinocchio next week, but we're also talking about you. I'm getting to hear about all of your jobs, your love, your life. I'm giving you advice. Along with Devin and Cody. We're breaking it all down for you. So head on over to the mini episode next week to continue the conversation about Pinocchio. And if you want to call in, you can at 619-Paul-Ask. That's 619p a u l a s k. So continue the conversation about Pinocchio right there. Also wanted to let you know that Grayson Frankie Season 6 is on Netflix right now. If you've not watched the Good Place, well you're missing out on Jason and I. It's the final season and a great season at that. So many great appearances and what an amazing finale this past week. So if you've missed out, catch up. You are going to see some of us on there also. What else do I want to tell you? Oh boy, so much good stuff. Black Monday season 2 trailer dropped so so that's online right now. Check that out. It's really fun. It gives you a little taste of what you're in store for in Black Monday Season 2, which starts March 15. A big shout out and thank you to Avril Halley, one of our producers, for pulling this amazing movie. I mean she really opened our eyes to a lot of stuff. Nick Kiley for doing all that amazing research. Devin of course, who travels across country with us, our producer Cody here at Earwolf Studios, everybody at Earwolf and we will see you next week for a mini episode. And if you're bored or you just miss how did this get made in the meantime? Well, head on over to teepublic.com store hdtgm to get your official Pinocchio shirt. And if you really just want to reach out and chat, you can do that with me. You can give me a call at or not call A text please. Just a text. 917-877-0657. Let's do it people. See you next week for highlights get made mini ad episode on Etsy.

[June Diane Raphael]

Every sign of spring is a reason to celebrate. Welcome the warmer weather with a light linen jacket made by a real person. Or enjoy your morning coffee outdoors in a hand thrown mug. Refresh your style and your space with pieces you won't find anywhere else. Celebrate the new season and original small shops on the Etsy app.

[Paul Scheer]

Choice hotels get you more of what you value. Here's a little tune to help you remember. Same drive, different day don't you wish you were getting away? Pack your bags and come on through Texas, Ohio, Alaska, we're up there, too Comfort Inn, it's calling your name save on the stay oh, and free waffles are yours to claim well, I hope you like my little song book [e-mail].