Speed 2: Cruise Contral w/ Scott Aukerman (HDTGM Matinee)

Summary

Podcast Summary: How Did This Get Made? - "Speed 2: Cruise Control" with Scott Aukerman (HDTGM Matinee)
Release Date: June 24, 2025

---

Introduction

In this episode of the award-winning comedy podcast "How Did This Get Made?", hosted by Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, and Jason Mantzoukas, the trio welcomes special guest Scott Aukerman, host of "Comedy Bang Bang." Together, they embark on a hilariously critical journey through the infamous sequel, "Speed 2: Cruise Control." The discussion delves deep into why this blockbuster flop became a staple of "so-bad-it's-good" cinema, unpacking its myriad flaws with sharp wit and comedic flair.

---

Overview of "Speed 2: Cruise Control"

"Speed 2: Cruise Control" attempts to replicate the high-octane success of its predecessor by shifting the setting from the bustling streets of Los Angeles to the serene confines of a luxury cruise ship. Keanu Reeves reprises his role as Officer Jack Traven, who, along with Sandra Bullock’s character, Annie Porter, finds their relationship tested amid a new wave of chaos orchestrated by the sinister Geiger, portrayed by Willem Dafoe.

---

Main Critique and Discussion

Plot and Storyline Flaws

Paul Scheer opens the critique by highlighting the fundamental missteps in the sequel’s premise:

"[02:00] Paul Scheer: Imagine Speed without the bus, without Keanu Reeves, without the tension and without the story."

The hosts unanimously agree that removing the central element of the unstoppable bus not only diluted the original's tension but also stripped away its core excitement. Scott Aukerman adds:

"[04:06] Scott Aukerman: This should be titled based upon a nightmare by Jan de Bont because he had a nightmare where a boat crashed into something."

This metaphor underscores the seemingly haphazard development of the sequel’s plot, suggesting that the movie feels more like a disjointed dream than a cohesive story.

Character Development and Chemistry

The transition of Sandra Bullock's role from a peripheral character driving the bus to the film's lead introduces significant character inconsistencies. Jason Mantzoukas points out:

"[05:19] Jason Mantzoukas: Wound up in the hospital."

This absurdity is further emphasized by the strained relationship dynamics between Bullock and Reynolds’ replacement, Jason Patrick, who inadequately embodies the heroic traits necessary for the role, leading to a palpable lack of chemistry.

Scott Aukerman criticizes the portrayal of relationships within the movie:

"[13:12] Scott Aukerman: I'm a computer psycho."

This line, among others, showcases the screenplay’s failure to develop believable and engaging character interactions, making it difficult for the audience to invest emotionally.

Plot Inconsistencies and Logical Flaws

The hosts meticulously dissect numerous plot holes and illogical sequences:

• The ease with which the antagonist, Geiger, infiltrates and sabotages the ship’s systems without raising immediate suspicion.
• The repetitive and unrealistic portrayal of how a luxurious cruise ship accommodates and responds to life-threatening crises.
• The film’s perplexing handling of time and action sequences, making it challenging to maintain suspense.

Jason Mantzoukas humorously highlights these issues:

"[24:27] Paul Scheer: Yes. So the guy's not excited. He wasn't like my dog. He was like, oh, I don't think."

This line reflects the disjointed and often nonsensical progression of events, further cementing the movie’s reputation as a poorly constructed sequel.

Technical and Directional Critiques

The discussion also touches upon the technical aspects of the film, criticizing:

• The overuse of slow-motion in action scenes, which detracts from the intended intensity.
• The inconsistent and non-existent security measures on the cruise ship, leading to implausible scenarios where the villain has unrestricted access.
• The exorbitant budget allocated to poorly executed action sequences, such as the $25 million finale scene, which fails to deliver engaging or coherent visuals.

Paul Scheer remarks:

"[43:35] Guest: And the final scene, it feels like an eternity."

This sentiment encapsulates the general consensus that the film’s grand finale lacks the necessary excitement and logical flow to serve as a satisfying conclusion.

---

Character Analysis

Willem Dafoe as Geiger

Willem Dafoe's portrayal of Geiger is dissected with both critique and dark humor. The villain’s motivations, stemming from a bizarre obsession with leeches after being wrongfully fired due to overexposure to copper, are deemed both convoluted and unconvincing. The hosts mock the superficial depth of his character, suggesting that his quirks do little to justify his antagonistic actions:

"[16:02] Paul Scheer: He got sued. Well, it was 1997..."

This backstory fails to provide a compelling reason for his vendetta, rendering his actions arbitrary and the character himself forgettable.

Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick's Relationship

The forced rekindling of Sandra Bullock’s character with Jason Patrick is portrayed as awkward and unconvincing. The hosts critique the lack of genuine chemistry and the repetitive, unoriginal dialogue that hampers any potential for a believable romantic subplot:

"[33:52] Scott Aukerman: You okay?"
"[33:53] Jason Mantzoukas: Yeah, I'm fine."
"[34:05] Jason Mantzoukas: What?"

This exchange exemplifies the stilted and unnatural interactions that plague the movie, preventing any emotional engagement from the audience.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Paul Scheer [02:00]:
   "Imagine Speed without the bus, without Keanu Reeves, without the tension and without the story."

2. Scott Aukerman [04:06]:
   "This should be titled based upon a nightmare by Jan de Bont because he had a nightmare where a boat crashed into something."

3. Jason Mantzoukas [05:19]:
   "Wound up in the hospital."

4. Scott Aukerman [13:12]:
   "I'm a computer psycho."

5. Jason Mantzoukas [24:27]:
   "And the final scene just feels like an eternity."

---

Guest Contributions: Scott Aukerman's Insights

Scott Aukerman brings a fresh perspective to the discussion, drawing parallels between "Speed 2" and other notorious film sequels. His dry humor and critical eye highlight the flawed logic and character decisions that contribute to the movie's poor reception. Aukerman’s comments often serve to amplify the comedic elements of the critique, making the discussion both entertaining and insightful.

For instance, when addressing the villain's motivations:

"[16:46] Scott Aukerman: He got sick and they fired him. Hence the leeches."

This succinctly captures the absurdity of the antagonist’s backstory, illustrating the film’s failure to create a relatable and compelling villain.

---

Conclusion: Gathering of Opinions

Throughout the episode, the hosts and guest converge on a unanimous disdain for "Speed 2: Cruise Control." Despite the film’s attempt to mirror the success of its predecessor, it fails miserably due to its incoherent plot, lackluster character development, and numerous logical inconsistencies. However, Paul Scheer acknowledges that some viewers might find enjoyment in its sheer absurdity:

"[57:07] Paul Scheer: These are some second opinions. If you guys have an opinion about this show, log on to iTunes and rate our show."

In the end, the consensus remains that while "Speed 2" serves as a textbook example of a poorly executed sequel, it provides ample material for comedic analysis and entertaining critique, embodying the essence of what "How Did This Get Made?" celebrates.

---

Final Thoughts

For those unfamiliar with the podcast, this episode exemplifies "How Did This Get Made?" at its best—using humor and critical analysis to explore why certain films fail to resonate with audiences despite their high budgets and star-studded casts. If you enjoy dissecting cinematic flops with a comedic twist, this episode with Scott Aukerman is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Paul Scheer]

The Disney plus Hulu Max Bundle. It's the ultimate bundle for an unbelievable price plan starting at 16.99amonth. Get it and watch Marvel Television's Ironheart on Disney plus. I want to build something iconic. A new season of the Bear on Hulu. We can make people happy. And the epic A Minecraft movie on Max. Anything you can imagine is possible. The Disney Plus Hulu Max bundle plan starting at $16.99 a month. All these and more streaming soon.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Terms apply.

[Paul Scheer]

Visit disney+hulumax bundle.com for details.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now more than ever, Lowes knows you.

[Paul Scheer]

Don'T just want a low price, you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Want the lowest price. And with our lowest price guarantee, you can count on us for competitive prices.

[Paul Scheer]

On all your home improvement projects. If you find a qualifying lower price.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Somewhere else on the same item, we'll match it. Lowe's. We help you save price.

[Paul Scheer]

Match applies to same item current price at qualifying retailers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Exclusions and terms apply.

[Paul Scheer]

Learn how we'll match [e-mail] Lowest Price.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guarantee.

[June Diane Raphael]

Instacart is here to keep you on the couch this basketball season. With pre game rituals and post game interviews, it's hard to find time for everything else. Let Instacart handle your game day snacks or weekly restocks with delivery in as fast as 30 minutes because it's bad luck to be hungry on game day. Download the Instacart app today and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees apply for three orders in 14 days. Excludes restaurants.

[Paul Scheer]

Imagine speed without the bus, without Keanu Reeves, without the tension and without the story. We saw Speed two cruise control so you know what that means.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now it's time for how to discover.

[Paul Scheer]

We're gonna have a good time, celebrate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some failure, not just be a hater. Cause you know, you wonder how did this remain? Let's wallow in the mediocrity of subpar art. Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question how did this get made?

[Paul Scheer]

Hello people of Earth and welcome. How did this get made? But let's just get right into it. I am joined as always by June, Diane Rayfield and Jason Manzoukas.

[June Diane Raphael]

How are you guys?

[Guest]

Good.

[Paul Scheer]

Pretty good. We all are in studio here. Look at that for the first time in a while. This is exciting. Also joining us today is the host of Comedy Bang Bang. He has a brand new show coming out on IFC every Friday night. Please welcome Scott Aukerman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you sound like you were about to say more. Scott Aukerman, who is my best friend.

[Paul Scheer]

According to New York Times, the den mother of comedy.

[Guest]

Den mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really sweet fucking Zach Galvanakis. That's his quote. He knows I'm a man.

[Paul Scheer]

Anyway, so.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Speech. You do have substantial tits.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. You're sucking on them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nourishment.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, so we decided. We're off. We decided what better way to kick off our so bad. They're good summer movie blockbusters with Speed 2 Cruise Control. The ill conceived sequel to Speed. A movie that could not have a sequel. Really, it ended perfectly. And what they did was they took the side character, Sandra Bullock and made her front and center. Now, Sandra Bullock doesn't do anything in Speed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Excuse me.

[Paul Scheer]

She just drives the bus.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She drives the bus.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're miming doing a steering wheel. May I point out, she also presses her foot down upon.

[Paul Scheer]

You are right. You are right. So she is now the lead of this movie. And clearly this movie was written for Keanu Reeves.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to interject, it was not written at all. If you do some research. They did not have a script.

[June Diane Raphael]

Well, basically.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Is that right?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. Graham Yost, the guy who wrote the first Speed movie, had a great idea for a sequel. Cause the director, Jan De Bont, wanted to do something with a boat and he had this idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had a dream, by the way, that.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, this is. Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This should be titled based upon a nightmare by Yann De Bont because he.

[Guest]

Dream of two large ships.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Slow.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had a nightmare where a boat crashed into something and he woke up and said that is the sequel.

[Paul Scheer]

That is really and truthfully what happened. Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, come on.

[Paul Scheer]

So basically the writer Gram Yost was kicked off the project. Instead they went with Jan De Bont's dream of a boat crashing into land. And the movie feels exactly like a foreign person's dream about a boat crashing into land.

[Scott Aukerman]

It feels like a dream where for some reason, you know how when you're dreaming about someone, you know they'll say goodbye and turn into someone else. And it feels like that's what happened in his dream is Keanu Reeves was like, uh, excuse me. And just like changed into Jason Patrick for no reason. And then we're off and we're. We're on this boat with him.

[Paul Scheer]

And so they try to like write out basically Keanu Reeves in the first scene. And it's so sloppy. There's nothing. I've never seen a movie more sloppy with exposition ever.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which it says a lot for what we do here on this show.

[Paul Scheer]

It's so like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest]

She literally is basically Says that relationships with daredevils never work out. Didn't work out.

[Scott Aukerman]

That it only worked out for, like, six months. And then she jettisoned him or something. Like, they broke up after six months.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, because he gave her Mace.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

And she thought it was perfume and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wound up in the hospital.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. Which really, I don't know what kind of perfume Looks like a can of Mace.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, that's a great idea. And if you're in, I'm in.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. Let's do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

$50,000.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm actually surprised later in the movie when she finds that grenade. She didn't think it was perfume.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boom.

[Paul Scheer]

I also love the first scene in the movie. They bring back a character from the first movie, like the police chief, and.

[Scott Aukerman]

He gets Joe Morton.

[Paul Scheer]

Joe Morton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which, by the way, she does not, we should point out, she does not know that her boyfriend, Jason Patrick, is a daredevil cop.

[Paul Scheer]

No, she thinks he's a.

[Guest]

She's a cop.

[Scott Aukerman]

She knows he's a cop, but thinks he's a bike cop on Venice. Yeah. But then, what is even more infuriating, she does not know that not only is he a cop, but works with the exact same cop who got her off that bus in the first movie.

[Paul Scheer]

And her. Yes. And she doesn't want to date daredevils, but she is dating a daredevil.

[Guest]

Well, and it's a very strange thing.

[Paul Scheer]

To set up because they need to, basically.

[Guest]

Yeah. But it's a strange thing to set up a female character who does not. Who actively doesn't want a man who's a hero who saves lives. Like, actively is looking for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not considering what type of hero Jason Patrick actually is in this movie. She should not want that.

[Paul Scheer]

Basically. It basically starts off with two parallel scenes. Joe Morton is leading a special squat team. Squat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Squat team.

[Paul Scheer]

Squat team. Yeah. Squat team.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, Squat team.

[Paul Scheer]

They are leading a SWAT team. I don't even know what they're trying to bust. It's a laundry truck.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's an ice cream truck full of stolen computers because it's 1993.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It is so uninteresting.

[Scott Aukerman]

They bring out a SWAT team for one truck of stolen computers, which all fall out of the back of the truck.

[Paul Scheer]

They all are flying out, and meanwhile, Jason Patrick is just chasing it on a motorcycle. Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock is taking her driver's test with Tim Conway.

[Guest]

And it's very comical in, like, an suv. Convertible.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, she's in a Volkswagen thing. It's an old, like. I actually love that car. It's a Volkswagen thing.

[Guest]

What There is a car called a Thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's from, like, the 70s or earlier. It's like an old, old Volkswagen. It's called the Thing. What? Yeah.

[Guest]

Wow.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, so in this first thing, how.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that get made?

[Paul Scheer]

I like the thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We have to do an episode of how did this get made?

[Guest]

How about the book's made?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, then I also. I also want to do a PT Cruiser then. Cause I cannot for the life of me figure that disaster out.

[Paul Scheer]

They only are sold to rental car agencies.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

MCC top.

[Guest]

Yeah. They're not being paid anymore.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because you tried to buy one.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Again, the clunkiness of this first scene. Her driver's test intersects with the SWAT team, and that's how she finds out.

[Guest]

Well, she also. I mean, people. She's driving so crazily. People were killed during that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[June Diane Raphael]

Easily.

[Guest]

Okay, so just.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a huge death toll.

[Guest]

We're doing a body count.

[Scott Aukerman]

If this movie actually happens, there's a huge death toll.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And there's huge. There are deaths that occur due to comedic moments. There are deaths like, her comedic bad driver's exam must have led to five deaths.

[Guest]

And to follow that up, then there are comedic moments that follow deaths.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Guest]

So there are deaths and then punchlines immediately after.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, there are people that get sucked into the propellers. Right. When they're on the lifeboat. Lifeboat, rescue. There are people. Two people fall out of the boat, get sucked into the propellers. And she's like, lower the gangplank. And then she's like, can you get these people out of here?

[Guest]

This is supposed to be a vacation.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes, the vacation they. So basically, she finds out that her boyfriend's a part of the suicide squad of the police force.

[Scott Aukerman]

Policemen who are willing to commit suicide in pursuit of stolen computers.

[Paul Scheer]

We gotta get those computers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My life is irrelevant.

[Paul Scheer]

I also do love that Joe Morton's first line in the movie is like, you know the character that the replacement, Keanu Reeves is Alex. And he goes, all right, Alex. No stunts and no wrecks. Like, that's what he leads it off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Meanwhile, Alex is on his motorcycle driving primarily on one wheel drive, primarily in a wheelie form.

[Paul Scheer]

No reason why he needed to be driving like that the entire time. So she finds out that she is dating Keanu Reeves. Cause the movie has to continue and they were gonna rewrite too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know if you've ever watched Alien 2 or Aliens, right?

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Back to back with Alien to the third power.

[Paul Scheer]

No, I did not see it to the third power.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watched a Marathon cubed. I watched a marathon of all four movies on tv. But when stop beginning.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Were you having an urgency back then?

[Scott Aukerman]

I grew a super long beard. I ate my fingernails. But watching you watch all of the second Aliens movie, and for the entire movie, she is trying to save the little kid, Newt. Newt. She's trying to save Newt. She's finally successful. She escapes the aliens. And then if you immediately watch the third Alien movie, it starts with that little kid dead. That, like, all of this was for naught. And that's how I felt like watching this movie. We're so invested in her getting together with Keanu Reeves in that movie, and he's so amazing in it. And then for her to just go, wait, yeah, I broke up with him six months later.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's so amazing in it.

[Guest]

I agree. With. I agree.

[Paul Scheer]

I think he's great in spite of the best movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

All right, all right.

[Guest]

I think he's great in it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, fine. I guess I'm the sole dissenter here.

[Scott Aukerman]

And girl, he is cut.

[Paul Scheer]

But he.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I mean, so basically great den mother of comedy.

[Paul Scheer]

So, you know, the original premise is essentially that Keanu Reeves and her go on a boat trip and the boat is hijacked.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, not Keanu Reeves, but, I mean, that was the.

[Paul Scheer]

It was written that way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sorry.

[Paul Scheer]

It was written that way. He turned it down after reading the script. After reading the script? He said that, or just after reading.

[Scott Aukerman]

The outline or something?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, after hearing about the dream.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, he said he had recently. He did not like the script, and he was secure from the success of the first film. And he said that he did a movie called Chain Reaction, and he said he wasn't mentally or physically ready to star in another action film right now. And he went to go tour with Dog Star, his band instead.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we should do another show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How did this get. How did Skip Maid Dog start the band?

[Paul Scheer]

Basically, everyone turned down this movie. Sandra Bullock only agreed to be in this movie if they would finance her movie. Hope Floats. And then William Dafoe was only in this movie after they went to, like, 10 other guys to be the bad guy. And so was Jason. Patrick. It went to Matthew McConaughey, who went on to do Contact and said Jon Bon Jovi, who passed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's the movie I want to see.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, I would love to have seen that. Patrick Muldoon and Christian Slater.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who's Patrick Maldoon? Who even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who is he to turn down Speed?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who even is Patrick Maldoon?

[Paul Scheer]

I'm going to find out.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right now, wait a second. Because you're saying people who are like, legitimately a list people. And then you said a name that I've literally never heard.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, I'm looking at it right now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Patrick Maldew is a pretend person.

[Paul Scheer]

He was in Starship Troopers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I doubt it.

[Paul Scheer]

And Days of our Lives.

[Guest]

Soap actor.

[Paul Scheer]

He's a soap actor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A soap. A soap opera actor turned this down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's how bad this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And Jason Patrick was.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, he was on Melrose Place.

[Scott Aukerman]

There we go.

[Paul Scheer]

That was his big fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes sense.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. So then Jason Patrick finally got it. No one wanted to do this movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so he kind of steps into a role that was written for Keanu Reeves, where I think that if you look at the movie, Keanu Reeves would have been trying to ask Sandra Bullock to marry him. He would have been invested in their relationship already. Instead of, when we meet these two, he's about to ask her to marry him. And we are actively rooting against him because we like Keanu Reeves so much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And also, they appear to have a horror relationship built upon lies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Built upon a lie.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, first of all, she's been dating him for six months, doesn't know about this thing. And then they're like, she doesn't know anything about him and he's ready to ask her to marry him. Yeah, I mean, Jan de Bont said that he just rewrote the first scene to establish that that was it. The movie is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Otherwise, it's unchanged.

[Paul Scheer]

It's unchanged.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, my God.

[Paul Scheer]

So it's, you know. So that speaks volumes of why this movie is so fucking weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder if Jeff Bridges would've. Oh, no, he's dead in the first one. Nevermind. Spoiler. Sor. Spoiler.

[Paul Scheer]

So basically, they get on the boat. It's a fun cruise ship. You know it because you meet every character you're gonna see for the rest of the movie immediately, especially Dante. Dante.

[Scott Aukerman]

My name's Dante. He says, my Name's Dante like 800 times.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Last line is, remember, it's Dante.

[Guest]

I gotta say, too, he says that Dante's taking pictures the whole time from beginning to end.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, yes.

[Guest]

When the ship is going down.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes, he is in the process of dying. Yes, he is taking pictures.

[Guest]

And I thought for sure these pictures are gonna come back and we're gonna be reveal clues that way. And understand.

[Paul Scheer]

It would be like the sequence of Hangover at the end. You spin me right around me right round. You see all the golf clubs. William Dafoe.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like to think that the guy playing Dante, that was his actor's process to hope that he would be remembered in the movie, which is not a bad idea if you're an actor. I remembered his name is to constantly say your character name. He's the only one.

[Paul Scheer]

So they meet Dante, then they meet this weird guy who's kind of like a concierge. He's showing them to his room.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like the bellhop guy.

[Paul Scheer]

The bellhop guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A comedian.

[Paul Scheer]

Jeremy Hotz, maybe. I don't. I don't have it in front of me right this second, but yeah. So he's like showing them, and then all of a sudden you meet the villain. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, you've met every main character. And the villain is William Dafoe, who Jason Patrick immediately is like, this guy's up to something.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He knows exactly. There is never a second on this enormous ship where they are not within 15ft of Willem Dafoe.

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, they are constantly.

[Scott Aukerman]

And everyone else we've met, there are.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, there are hundreds and hundreds of people, if not thousands on this cruise ship, and they are constantly surrounded by the same eight people.

[Guest]

Well, it's also confusing because Willem Dafoe could have pulled all of this off and, like, not gone out during the daytime hours. Like, he didn't have to do cruise time activities.

[Paul Scheer]

William Dafoe was out enjoying the ship at the bar. Like, he didn't need to leave the room. You're right.

[Guest]

He was scouting.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was just hung out with his leeches all afternoon.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guys, the leeches.

[Guest]

The leeches.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, the leeches. I was that also. I kept being like, okay, the leeches are gonna play a part in this, a bigger part in this, and they just don't.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I mean, except to be like.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There'S a tub full of leeches at one point. And I was like, that's.

[Guest]

Once Jason Patrick sees the leeches, he says, this guy's a very sick man.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a very sick puppy.

[Paul Scheer]

But, you know, you know, it's so funny. It's like I feel like it was done, this movie was done in the era where the bad guys needed some quirk. They couldn't just be bad. So he was a bad guy who needed leeches that were sucking out the copper that he had been exposed to by working on computers.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems like as a villain, you need motivation. Like, every great actor that they approach probably are like, what's my motivation?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, you know, unlike the Rock, which has Ed Harris as a villain, where you're actually on his side because he's, like, going farther than you would, but you understand why, like, Willem Dafoe is just a fucking insane person who happens to have leeches.

[Guest]

Can you please explain what he wanted? He's worked on the computers for this ship, so he knows everything about it. While he was working on the computers, he got sick.

[Scott Aukerman]

He got sick and they fired him. Hence the leeches.

[Guest]

Okay, so they fired him, which I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don'T think is legal.

[Guest]

Yeah, absolutely. He could have pursued a legal course.

[Paul Scheer]

He got sued. Well, it was 1997. No one was suing their companies back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Then, you know, law didn't exist.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, this is before 9, 11. A lot of things changed, but he basically was a computer expert who got exposed to too much copper from working on computers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Exposed to too much copper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, which is exactly how computers work.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which, by the way, is what pennies are made out of, which we carry around, exposing ourselves to constantly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, that's how Abraham Lincoln died.

[Paul Scheer]

So he wants revenge on the company that fired him. And the doctors gave him a couple years to live, but these leeches might give him a couple more years to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Live because he wouldn't trade the leeches for all the doctors in the world, as he says.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Guest]

Okay, okay. So he. So his revenge, though, is taking down this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Taking the diamond? No, the diamonds. Which is the craziest part. He wants to steal the diamonds that are on the boat.

[Guest]

Brought on the boat by passengers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, brought on the boat by that jewelry company. Remember, they say, who wants to have a multi million dollar show? Blah, blah, blah. Some jewelry company is on the boat and they are, remember, walking around with.

[Scott Aukerman]

All those diamonds and people are buying them for some weird reasons.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Guest]

And there's a crazy shot where one of the extras, like one of the women who's showing the jewelry, walks around with the jewelry, and the women jump out of their seats.

[Paul Scheer]

It's like Oprah's favorite thing.

[Guest]

Stare at the jewelry that's on her. It's the strangest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which then when the boat, they say abandoned ship, the jewelry company says, well, of course I will leave the diamonds here on this ship. And they get off the ship.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, I mean, look, again, it goes back to, like the Die Hard thing, too. The villains are so cool, but all they want in the end is just a good score, some bare bones or some diamonds.

[Scott Aukerman]

But he wants the money to make him less sick or to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think he just wants the money. No, no, I think he just wants.

[Guest]

The money even though he only has a couple years to live because he's.

[Paul Scheer]

Gonna live it up. He's just gonna live it up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think he's gonna go crazy in St. Martin or wherever he is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe he's gonna buy more leeches.

[Guest]

Fine, but so why does he have to after he or a big copper.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Magnet to like suck the copper out of his body?

[Guest]

That's a great idea.

[June Diane Raphael]

Today's podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Hell, I might even be brought to you by Squarespace. I got so many websites up there. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Truly, I have been loving my Squarespace experience. I have. I have my website. How did this get made website, Unspooled's website, Dark Web's website, all there. And they each work completely differently. And what I love about Squarespace is from consultations to events to experiences, you can show off your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Plus, with blueprint AI, they have this AI enhanced website builder. You can quickly create personalized sites that align with your brand and goals. You can streamline your workflow with built in tools for appointment scheduling, email marketing invoices, and seamless online payment. To keep your business running smooth, head to squarespace.combonkers for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the code bonkers to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's right, squarespace.com bonkers using the offer code bonkers. You might not know this about me, but my favorite candy is Twizzlers. Hands down from when I was a kid. There is nothing better than a Twizzler is my go to treat. Let me tell you something. When I saw that Twizzlers was sponsoring this show, I got excited. The fun never stops with Twizzlers. All right. It is the candy to stretch out the fun. Now look. Other candy too. Sweet. Overpowering. But Twizzlers is the perfect level of sweet. It comes with the perfect chewy twist that everyone knows and loves. Is the perfect summer snack companion to unwind at the end of the day and doesn't melt, melt in the summer sun. Oh, I'm walking around with one of those Twizzlers. I'm watching a movie with a Twizzler. There isn't a better movie companion. And Twizzlers have something for every fruity, chewy candy lover. Let me tell you something. Do what Paul Scheer does. Grab yourself a bag of Twizzlers and stretch out the fun As a small business owner, your business is always on your mind. So when you're hiring, you need a partner who is just as dedicated as you. And that hiring partner partner is LinkedIn jobs.

[Paul Scheer]

That's right.

[June Diane Raphael]

When you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. They make it easy for you to post your job for free, share it with your network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place. And LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions. Then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights. You can post your job for free or choose to promote it. Promoted jobs attract, in fact three times more qualified applicants. So post your job for [e-mail] valuable. That's LinkedIn.com valuable to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, another Just a couple weird things that jumped out at me before we get into the. I mean the die hard section of the movie. Sandra Bullock is just casually watching Lolita while Alex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what is that about? I don't understand that at all.

[Paul Scheer]

Like a long shot of Lolita is like playing and she's like.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he's sick.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. He's been puking in a champagne bucket.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's watching Lolita on a boat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There's another version of this movie which could have just starred Jason Patrick and the deaf girl. 15 year old girl. And there would have been a cause. Remember, the 15 year old girl is like flirting with him from the word go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a very Lolita thing.

[Guest]

When she leaves and gets separated.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because it's all for Alex.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Guest]

And she's. So that's why she left. She's trying to find him.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, Alex, no. Her father goes, you look like a clown. Get out of here. She doesn't look like a clown. She looks like a 12 year old girl in a floral print dress.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. With a little more makeup than girls normally.

[Paul Scheer]

And he sends her out, he's like, get out of here, you clone.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Get out of here.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. And the deaf girl.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he doesn't even bother to do it in sign language. He just like yells at her.

[Guest]

Well, everybody who signs in this movie also speaks exactly what they're saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. I also want to point out that when she wakes up after watching Lolita and Jason Patrick is gone.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's skeet shooting. And somehow she is woken up by the sound of his skeet shooting. She has gotten such the worst cabin on the boat. That must be directly underneath.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right underneath the shotgun range in the.

[Guest]

Bed in that cabin is, is Not a full size.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's like a twin bed.

[Guest]

It's a twin bed that they're both sleeping on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They're both sleeping on that cabin.

[Guest]

Look like hell to me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And it was, by the way, it was referred to as a suite.

[Guest]

Sweet.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, guys, what can you expect on a suicide squad cop salary?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. That's a good point.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The other thing is, while he's ski shooting, who's watching him? Willem Dafoe.

[Paul Scheer]

Just check.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just like, oh. Because they have to be in the same place at all times.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, man. William Willem Dafoe. So again, he could have. The way that he could have gotten those diamonds, got on the boats that left the boat and been fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

He could have done so many things. He has a gun the entire movie, and yet he's killing people by cutting the cords on the chains that are holding them. He's firing guns at the rope that's holding Jason Patrick to the ship. Just fire the gun at Jason Patrick.

[Paul Scheer]

You're willing to murder everyone? He likes Rube Goldberg contractors.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. The moment where he comes across Sandra Bullock and the captain guy, and they've got Jason Patrick tied to a rope, and Jason Patrick is underwater, and he's like, holding a gun on them, but then instead just flips a lever and hides.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And I was like, what are you doing? Shoot those two people.

[Paul Scheer]

The only two people are.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everything works out for you. They let go of Jason Patrick, he dies, you kill them, you have the diamonds, then you can fly. But instead, he's like, I'm gonna switch this liver. And I hope no one and hope that. Yeah, I'm gonna hide over here. I hope nobody notices me. Oh, shoot, they noticed me. Oh, crap. I guess I'll take a hostage also.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, part of this movie relies on everyone being very easily able to get into the ship's cockpit. Everyone's able to walk right in there. There's no security in getting into that ship cockpit at any time. Willem Dafoe walks in as a drunk guy, and they're like, oh, this drunk guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll give him a lot of latitude. They let him hang out there for a good 20 minutes.

[Guest]

He falls on all the major controls.

[Paul Scheer]

He falls on all the major controls, puts all these different devices all over the central cockpit. And then later on, when Alex comes in, fake Keanu comes in. He starts shooting at the cockpit stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

No one's ever being taken into arrest.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, hey, man, stay away from this cockpit. This stuff's kind of important. Hey, Paul, did you have the clip of Willem Dafoe attacking the captain.

[Paul Scheer]

That's the one that I wanted to play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that has my favorite line in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The thing that was what we just were playing. Because it's the one where he has the swinging lamp.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, that's.

[June Diane Raphael]

I thought the clip was.

[Paul Scheer]

But.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love. I would love.

[Paul Scheer]

Let's just try it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're still four degrees off course. Did you check the mainframe, Eric?

[Paul Scheer]

I think this is a little bit after this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Captain Pollard, good evening.

[Paul Scheer]

How can you be running the ship.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

If you're not on the bridge?

[Paul Scheer]

Who is running the ship?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, I am.

[Paul Scheer]

What is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are you?

[Paul Scheer]

I spent a great many years developing computer systems for these cruise lines, including this baby. And then I got tossed away. What are you talking about?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's what really infuriates me.

[Paul Scheer]

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that is my favorite line, which is. That's what really infuriates me. You don't even know what I'm talking about. That's not the favorite line. The favorite line is the captain's favorite saying. How dare you? How dare he what? Insinuate that someone doesn't know what he's talking about. That's what this script, or this movie obviously does not have a script. And they improv'd all these scenes, and there's so much bad improv going on to where people are trying to heighten things that should not be heightened.

[Guest]

Do you think, during this scene, and I hate to cut to later in the movie, but when Sandra Bullock, like, sort of Bullock Bullock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Biloxi Blues.

[Guest]

Sandra Biloxi Blues drives away in a Jet ski, like, sort of figures out how to detach her Jet Ski from Willem Dafoe's Jet Ski.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Which is basically, she pulls the lever that says, detach Jet Ski.

[Guest]

She pulls one lever, and then he calls after her.

[Paul Scheer]

Wait.

[Guest]

You're my hostage. You're my hostage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In this scene, the sound you're hearing, inexplicably, is Willem Dafoe is swinging. Swinging a stationary lamp back and forth. That it has like, a range of about three feet.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

As if it is itself a threatening object to the captain. And as long as the captain stays within, I mean, further than three feet away from him. Willem Dafoe is just moving a lane.

[Guest]

But it gets so interesting. He just turned around and walked away.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just literally walked away.

[Guest]

I'm not going over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's that drunk guy from last night. Okay, goodbye.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It says if the swinging lamp is like the deadliest of weapons and it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hypnotizing him to come closer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And it does, in fact, lead to his death.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does. He gets.

[Paul Scheer]

He gets knocked off. He got too close. Conceptually, though, the first movie is only. Is interesting because you have a bus. It's out of control. People on it. They could die. You know, it's.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There's inherent tension.

[Paul Scheer]

Exactly. This one, first of all, you're following the wrong character. Cause she doesn't. She's not a hero.

[Scott Aukerman]

She doesn't do anything.

[Paul Scheer]

She doesn't do anything. She doesn't punch. You always are ready for her to be like, when is she gonna deliver her the punch? When is she gonna do.

[Guest]

Take out the chainsaw?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She does use the chainsaw.

[Paul Scheer]

She uses the chainsaw with Dante's help. But she's basically like, I'm on vacation. Oh, this is happening again.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She puts a bikini on. Very quickly.

[Guest]

Very quickly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She's in a bikini and a sarong.

[Guest]

Like, immediately with purple sunglasses.

[Paul Scheer]

One of my favorite. One of my favorite clothing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She's way too tan.

[Paul Scheer]

Which you've been shooting for a while. One of my favorite moments in the movie is Jason Patrick goes down to work underneath the boat, and he's, like, in this wet white shirt, and he rips it off. And then he runs into another room. And then immediately the next scene, he's putting on, like, a black shirt, like, there. Clearly, he did not want to be shirtless for, like, the second section of this movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul Scheer]

So, like, they don't justify where that shirt came from. Like, it wasn't like he went back to his room or anything like that. Like, he just found a random new clean shirt that he.

[Scott Aukerman]

Random shirts.

[Paul Scheer]

Random shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

In case of shirtless brick, glass. Just right out of the box.

[Paul Scheer]

Shirt. Nice tight shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get your love on safety pins out of these.

[Guest]

Weird thing about this movie conceptually, though, too, is that the stakes keep on changing, but not necessarily heightening. So it's like you think where the boat's headed. Toward a tanker on this course? No, up first toward this island.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, towards the cliffs.

[Guest]

Oh, yeah, toward the cliffs. And that's pretty bad. But then it's headed to a tanker, which is also pretty bad. It's like, there's no the middle of the tanker.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

By the way, the movie is just traps. The movie is a series of traps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason Patrick has no reason to do anything he's doing. They can get off the boat.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What does he care? Yeah, what does he care? Other than this guy is Breaking the law. He is putting so many people in danger.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No. So many people actually die.

[Scott Aukerman]

He actually floods the ship. He floods the ship while a deaf girl is down below simply because this guy is breaking the law and he needs to be caught. What do you care?

[Paul Scheer]

Cause he's on the suicide squad. That's what they do. They put their lives at risk. Yeah. It makes. And the action is so boring.

[Scott Aukerman]

It seems so shot in slow motion.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, my God. When it would cut to slow motion during action sequences, I would be like, this is horrible.

[Guest]

Well, there's also. I do think they ran into a problem with shooting the action, which is that the boat, even at moving like 17.6 knots, is still moving at a pretty slow pace.

[Paul Scheer]

It's a gigantic ship.

[Guest]

There's nothing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Water.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. There's nothing to show you how slow.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's nothing to show scale. Like, if they were to show a dolphin and it whizzing by a dolphin, it was like, oh, my God, that's a fast boat. Like, maybe you would get something.

[Guest]

Yes. But the other problem too, is, like, they have. As the boat gets closer and closer to land, they're sort of hitting this resort town and there are all these other just, you know, which, by the way, nobody notices.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nobody notices. No cruise liner is coming right at them.

[Paul Scheer]

Like, people, literally, the boat, like the giant ass cruise liner is four feet away and they're like, oh, shit, I should move my boat.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Now.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I gotta jump off my boat. You know?

[Guest]

But even people on the boat don't notice either.

[Scott Aukerman]

But no one is jumping off the boat. That's the other thing that I. No one thinks to ever jump off the boat. People are more willing to jump off the Twin Towers than they are willing to jump off this boat in this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

But no, but I felt the same way. Like when they were getting close to land, it's like, oh, that's shallow now. Just jump off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just water skiers out there. Time out. I think. I think what they tried to establish was that if you jumped and. Or fell off the boat, you get sucked into the propeller.

[Paul Scheer]

Sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So that's why people weren't jumping off the boat. That's my belief.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're just hoping for the best if they're gonna crash into. You know what I mean?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

What would you do?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What would I have done?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would have tried to find Willem Dafoe and punched him in the nose and been like, oh, I would have flooded the ship.

[Paul Scheer]

Flooded the ship.

[Scott Aukerman]

There also is a lifeboat that you see, hanging from ropes that. That you could very easily get onto at any point and cut off the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Ropes, but they can't. They can't. They can't get the. I mean, you could fall, I guess, in the lifeboat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, no, I mean. Yeah, but that's what I mean.

[Paul Scheer]

Up that high.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, cut off the ropes.

[Guest]

It's gonna float.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a coward. Yeah, you are a coward.

[Paul Scheer]

How about you cut the ropes and then you jump in the water and you hold onto it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How about when the woman. How about when the deaf girl's mother is like, our daughter's still in there. Our daughter's still in it. She tries to climb out, and by climbing out, knocks the balance of the lifeboat off. Two people fall out, get sucked into the propellers, and die. And then her husband goes, don't worry. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It is 100%.

[Guest]

No one's fault but hers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And every time Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick reunite, like, which happens frequently, right? They'll have their separate adventures, and they'll reunite. I genuinely feel like he would rather punch her in the face than kiss her. I feel like he hates her.

[Paul Scheer]

I want to talk about two other lines that were.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I feel like he, as an actor, hates Sandra Bullock. As an actor, you feel like irritation.

[Paul Scheer]

There's no chemistry between these two. The two lines that I love that are so. Well, you know what? We should play a clip between Sandra Bullock and the second clip here between Sandra Bullock and Jason Patrick.

[Scott Aukerman]

You okay?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm fine.

[Paul Scheer]

I'm fine.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's happening?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why did the shift start up again?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why don't you leave me upstairs?

[Scott Aukerman]

Know you have a situation. What?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Paul Scheer]

Geiger's taking over the ship.

[June Diane Raphael]

Geiger?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm not looking at my golf game. Ger. What?

[Paul Scheer]

Ger. I'm a computer psycho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Geiger.

[Paul Scheer]

I design all the software. And Geiger, I can blow up everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would he do that?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where is he?

[Paul Scheer]

Everywhere.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's everywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

By the way, I want to point out that. That when the. The. The. The guy who gives everyone. Who takes everyone's luggage to their. Their cabins, he knocks on Willem Defoe's door. He walks in and sees a computer, and he immediately realizes that this guy is a villain.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

A computer in a cabin.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guys, what is this guy up to?

[Paul Scheer]

Also, why is the bellhop doing the turndown service? The bellhop is not. Not the same guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are not his dudes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We also talk about, like, just to Talk for briefly about the technology in this movie. All of the computers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fiber optic converters.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fiber optic converter is amazing. But they were compute. All of the computer program prompts were English.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We're like. The computer would ask him time to initiate and he would type in now. Like, every. Everything was like conversation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Instead of clicking on something, there was no commands.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There was no, like. It was just. Everything was conversational. It made. Everything the computer did was like, warning, we have a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a guy in India he's communicating with.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It made me so furious. Everybody. Every screen would say stuff that was like, literally as if the computer was talking language to the typer.

[Paul Scheer]

My favorite line of the whole movie is, alex confronts William Dafoe and please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Start calling him Willem.

[Paul Scheer]

Willem. And Willem, I'm begging you. And Willem goes. He has something in his hand. He goes, it's not a gun. It's a computer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

And it's like he's wearing basically a Nintendo Power glove. And then. And then he's like, okay, I'm gonna just go around right now. And then he types in, like, in his hands. And then, like, walls start shutting.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then the door. He has instant access to close individual doors on the boat with the super Nintendo controller that he has strapped to his arm, by the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

At that moment, Jason Patrick, I don't know if you noticed this, but fires the gun at him. Is willing to murder him at this point.

[Paul Scheer]

Immediately.

[Scott Aukerman]

Immediately willing to murder him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Should be willing to murder him.

[Scott Aukerman]

He hasn't done anything at this point.

[Paul Scheer]

The only thing that he knows is that this guy is interested in getting his golf clubs on the ship. Weird that he is not watching the golf game on the tv and he.

[Scott Aukerman]

Set up some fake fires on the ship. That's all he's done. He's made people abandon the ship and set up fake fires. He is going to straight up murder this man. There's one line that I wanted to point out, which was Willem Dafoe says to Alex, he says, I don't know what it's referring to, but he says, I'm a smart guy, Alex. And even I know that. I'm pretty sure the line should be, I'm a dumb guy. And even I know that. Like, if you're a smart guy and.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know that I know that.

[Scott Aukerman]

As.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A smart guy, they're like, no doy. We all know that.

[Paul Scheer]

I think you are right, Scott, that they did not have a script because there's lines that make. They're so weird. There's one opening shot like, after people have been hurt on the ship, a guy comes over and goes, here are some more giant towels.

[Scott Aukerman]

And just like, giant towels.

[Paul Scheer]

Here are some more giant towels.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

John Devant being like, okay, you come over, you say something.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, he probably says, go refer to those giant towels. John, are you sure you want me to say something about giant towels?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You were saying giant towels. Then the camera were very quickly moved to see some of the elves. Like, there are slow motion.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Whip pans in this movie that are just, like, jarring.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, nothing makes sense. Even the oil tanker that they're gonna be crashing into. They're watching TV or movies about boats crashing into boats.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I didn't notice that.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, yeah. When they're on the ironic tv, they.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have their TV TV sets to the ironic channel that you see in so many movies.

[Paul Scheer]

It's like an air. Like somebody in an airplane. An airplane disaster movie. Like, oh, yeah. I'm just watching this DVD of airplanes blowing up.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm really bummed I didn't get to like. I bet if there's a Yondavant commentary, I bet it's amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't. I think he stopped working. Like, he only made, like, two more movies.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, he became like a dp.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was a dp.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

He went back to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's like Rennie Harlan. Like, Yandabot and Renny Harlan are like, to me, the same person.

[Scott Aukerman]

They would have given them anything foreign.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like directors who made a big splash and then kind of like, shit, their.

[Scott Aukerman]

Second movie is the worst.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Leonard, Part 6 was a movie he directed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. Didn't he do. He didn't direct. He couldn't.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, cinematographer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank the Lord.

[Paul Scheer]

As a. Yeah. As a director, he only directed six movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he did Speed and Twister, which were successes.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. The Haunted Lara Croft Tomb, the Cradle of Life. And he's in right now pre production on Five Minutes to Live.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Paul Scheer]

So he's back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's back, guys. Let's all get auditions for that.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, this is it. Two men conducting a bank robbery. Inform the manager she'll be killed unless she makes a money transfer within five minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like Speed. Two in a bank.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Also that's a really short period of time for a movie that should be like a Funny or Die Short. Five Minutes to Live.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe it is a Funny or Die Short. It doesn't say.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A 90 minute movie that takes place within five minutes.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, let's talk about this boat. The big scene at the end. The big scene at the end.

[Scott Aukerman]

The only reason for this movie to exist.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The 10 minutes. Did anybody time it?

[Paul Scheer]

Yes, it is right here.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so long. It is an eternity.

[Paul Scheer]

It feels like an eternity.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I guessed 10. I wrote 10 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess infinity.

[Paul Scheer]

June, you want to take how long it is?

[Guest]

I'd say about 12 minutes.

[Paul Scheer]

Okay, well, it is a five minute. It is a five minute scene.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No.

[Paul Scheer]

Starts crashing when I think it starts hitting the dock from.

[Guest]

Okay, but there's a lot of lead up to that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There is a lot of lead up, but I. Okay, yes. When the boat. What we're talking about is when the boat smashes into land, right?

[Paul Scheer]

They direct the boat into like a little hub.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's gotta be five minutes before that where they're like, we're going to crash though.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, no, there is. That's when they're hitting all the boats. And by hitting the boats, they're slowing down inexplicably.

[Scott Aukerman]

And by the way, they're dropping the anchor for the first time. This is actually.

[Guest]

That was a brand new idea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, hey, what if we drop this anchor?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, but wait a minute. Drop the other one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't drop both at the same time, you fucking idiot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It is stuck.

[Paul Scheer]

This movie, it cost $25 million to do this sequence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just the sequence.

[Paul Scheer]

Just the sequence. $25 million. It was. Took six months to build this town that they crashed through. They built 35 buildings. And then the boat, basically, the boat, it's the. The whole front of the ship. And then they CGI'd in the back of the ship. Runs through the entire town, like on a track.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thousands of people must have died.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what I mean? Like hundreds of people were killed. If this was real.

[Scott Aukerman]

If it was real. But that's the point is like every single time it crashes into anything, it's like an episode of the A Team. You see someone jumping out of the way. You know every cliche, no one dies in this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Every cliche you could possibly ever see in this final boat thing, like people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Having sex and they're like, the open, close sign.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, yeah, Open, close.

[Scott Aukerman]

The guy like flips a close sign to open, sees the boom boat, flips it back to close.

[Paul Scheer]

The guy who has a brand new car, who's like my car, which by.

[Scott Aukerman]

The way, I have Cool op's sister's son staying with us, who's two years old and he was running around during this movie and you know, it was a pretty grim viewing. None of us were laughing at anything. The guy says, my car and then the anchor drops into his car and.

[Guest]

Then the dog comes in.

[Scott Aukerman]

He bursts out laughing like it's the funniest thing he has ever seen because. And he doesn't really understand comedy or anything, but he just knew the kids cadence. That, that was a joke.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

And I believe that guy was a cameo from the first movie. Like he, he I think had his car also destroyed in the first movie. I think it seems like that sequence.

[Guest]

We also follow that little dog, by the way.

[Paul Scheer]

He's coming out of us. He's also coming out of a 7 11, which is like in this weird island. Like it's. Everything's like really rustic. And then it's like this weird like.

[Scott Aukerman]

711 paid for that dog.

[Guest]

But yeah, that little dog who we watched try to escape, pops up out of that car and makes it in the end. Thank God.

[Paul Scheer]

But the guy's not excited. He wasn't like my dog. He was like, oh, I don't think.

[Guest]

I was his dog.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My wife, the mom and the son who are looking at an apartment with a real estate dealer. And the boat, the cruise liner plows right into their prospective home. Like, those people are without a doubt dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they jumped out of the way.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nope, they jumped out of the way.

[Guest]

I was curious about those two because they're looking at an apartment in this respect, there's no father figure there. I wanted to know about their stories.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's their story?

[Scott Aukerman]

Follow them.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, and also I want to point out that at one point the ship knocks over a giant champagne bottle. And when it knocks it over, champagne comes out of it as if they would make a giant sculpture of a champagne bottle. And they're like, well, we gotta fill this up. We gotta make this seven.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are the young street toughs who live in this town going and poking holes in this thing?

[Paul Scheer]

It's not like a water trying to get water. Oh, man. Oh, I forgot about my favorite action sequence in the whole movie. Okay, the turn the wheel sequence.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, underwater. Turn the wheel.

[Paul Scheer]

The most boring action of all time. Basically, Jason, Patrick and this other guy Dante have to unscrew a wheel and they can only do it at 15 second intervals. And they just keep on cutting back to them, like turning it for like three turns. And the other one comes out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pretty hard to turn.

[Paul Scheer]

Then the other one comes out.

[Guest]

I wonder if Dante's camera got messed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Up, you know, it was waterproof. Oh, it was waterproof.

[Guest]

Oh, thank God. Thank God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank goodness.

[Paul Scheer]

So the whole city is destroyed. The ship stops. It Hits the bell on a church. Everything is okay, relatively well.

[Guest]

But first they plow into the city and the ship stops and we think everything's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

They would have killed so many people on the beach, let alone in every building they destroyed.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest]

Structurally, the ship starts to fall over.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that would have killed another hundred thousand people, at least for sure.

[Paul Scheer]

And then they have to go back and basically Jason Patrick is like, jumps out the front window of the ship.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which, by the way, the Willem Dafoe had left the ship on those. The dual jet skis that we all know and love with Sandra Bullock probably three hours earlier.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jason Patrick jumps off this boat that's just crashed, gets into another boat, catches up with them in 90 seconds and.

[Paul Scheer]

He'S like, I gotta find my girlfriend.

[Guest]

Time is pretty elastic in this movie, though. Like there it's dinner time when the first. When Willem Dafoe, I think, starts evacuating people and then it's. He goes on a walk through that ship. Then they walk outside and it's morning. Yeah, it's like 11:00am this is a dream.

[Scott Aukerman]

The whole movie is a dream.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's true. The whole movie is kind of just a dream. It's like the movie is two hours and five minutes.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, it's a long movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I've lost my mind.

[Guest]

For Titanic. Titanic.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

2007, I believe this was, which, you know. Oh, no, no, sorry, not 97.

[Scott Aukerman]

Titanic actually just, you know, shows you how a ship crashing, you can actually have tension because there would be people drowning there. You know, it was actually really good in telling you how people were gonna die and be in peril in that movie.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, let's take a commercial break. We'll be right back.

[June Diane Raphael]

Nothing says summer like some delicious ice cream. Tillamook ice cream is extremely creamy. It's basically what regular ice cream wishes.

[Paul Scheer]

It could be.

[June Diane Raphael]

Made with high quality ingredients. Each bite is rich, smooth and creamy. And with the 48 ounce family size option, there's enough to share. But when the ice cream is this good, sharing is optional. Whether you're more into classic flavors like vanilla bean or organ strawberry, or craving something decadent like their chocolate collection, which includes flavors like dark chocolate cookies and cream and brownie batter, there's a perfect Tillamook flavor for you. Tillamook Dairy has been around since 1909. It's farmer owned and loaded with actual dairy experts. And They've got over 200 dairy products, including cheese and cream cheese. Because why settle for just one dairy obsession? I love Tillamook ice cream. It's so incredibly creamy. And I have to tell you, my favorite flavor. The vanilla bean. I mean, you can't make a better flavor. They always say, judge your ice cream by your vanilla bean. And I will say the Oregon strawberry is absolutely divine. And I'm a huge hazelnut fan, so I'm always also chowing down on that chocolate hazelnut. You know, I enjoy it after dinner every night because it's summer and why not have a little bit of ice cream? Find Tillamook ice cream near [e-mail] that's t I l l a m o o k dot com. Little exercise for you here. What is your perfect day? Being on a beach, going camping, seeing a movie, having a perfect meal. Imagine that. But now picture you stink. You stink from your pits, okay? The only thing that can wreck a perfect day is your body odor. Okay? When you stink, no one wants to be around you. And here's the thing. I don't want you to wreck a perfect day. I want you to have a perfect day. We need to enjoy our perfect days. And so does Dove Men plus Care Whole Body Do. All right. They help keep your BO from ruining the good days. From pits to privates to feet, you can feel confident with 72 hour protection in all your odor zones. Dove Men Whole Body do goes on instantly dry with an aluminum free vitamin E infused formula for whole body freshness and care. Dove Men plus Care Whole Body D o Get everywhere Care Even down there. Find it on Amazon or at the Target today. You know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans? Getting burned by your old wireless bill.

[Paul Scheer]

That's right.

[June Diane Raphael]

While you're planning beach trips, barbecues and three day weekends, your wireless bill should be the last thing holding you back. Make sure that you switch to Mint Mobile. With plans starting at 15 bucks a month, Mint Mobile gives you premium wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text. Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile. So while your friends are sweating over data overages and surprise charges, you'll be chilling. Literally and financially. You know, our producer Scott switched to Mint Mobile and he says now his bill is $40 less per month. Now, he should be taking that extra money and buying clothes for his newborn baby. But no, what he did was he splurged on the Alamo Drafthouse Jaws 50th Anniversary popcorn bucket. That's smart thinking. You know why that baby doesn't deserve it. Scott deserves it for thinking that Mint Mobile will save him money anyway this year. Skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium Wireless [e-mail] HDTGM that's mintmobile.com HDTGM upfront payment of $45 for three months. 5 gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for the first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. C Mint Mobile for details.

[Paul Scheer]

All right, so this movie, now we're in the final act here. Womb to foe's getaway. Again, like, now you're just like, when.

[June Diane Raphael]

Is this gonna be over?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, he also keeps taunting her about her vacation. He's obsessed with the idea that she's on vacation because he says to her several times, enjoying your vacation? Or he says, like, how? How do you think your vacation is gonna be different now that you're a hostage?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And he also says, you'll never get me, Spider Man.

[Guest]

Do you think when he's first talking to her at the bar in that opening scene that that's what he was talking about? Cause I don't think we actually hear dialogue.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're probably right. She probably said, I'm on vacation. Which, by the. I don't mean to go back, but I feel like we skipped the worst dialogue in the movie. Oh, the extended metaphor when he's about to ask. Ask her to marry him, where he's saying, can I order a la carte? Well, no, you're gonna have to order from the menu. Well, what if I wanted to order something from you? Well, it depends on what section you're sitting in.

[Guest]

How's your breakfast? You know, like, am I gonna get tipped?

[Scott Aukerman]

How didn't they get lost in the middle of that? Because it goes on forever.

[Guest]

I could not follow by the wind.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everybody at the table is watching them.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And like. Like listening.

[Guest]

It was like, well, his final proposal, though, is no better. When he says, do you want to wear this ring for a while?

[Paul Scheer]

And by the way, that's the worst.

[Guest]

Fighting line I've ever heard.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way. Props to whatever pants he was wearing. Because that ring.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Props to the pants.

[Paul Scheer]

That ring stayed securely in his pants the entire movie. Like, he kind of shoves the ring in his pocket very early on. He has been tossed out of windows. He's been under the boat.

[Guest]

He's been fighting off dime before. You've seen it. It's not in a ring box. It is in a pouch.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's just A ring.

[Guest]

Ye in a pouch with like one clasp and open flesh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which is not how, as a man who's proposed to a woman. You want to carry your ring?

[Guest]

Yeah, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to be a little more sure of it.

[Paul Scheer]

Hey, you want to wear this for.

[Scott Aukerman]

The rest of your life or something?

[Guest]

No. Do you want to wear this for a while?

[Paul Scheer]

And she goes, you want to shove.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This on your finger for a couple of weeks?

[Paul Scheer]

And she goes, for how long? He goes, yeah, 50 years. Like that was his.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll be dead in 50 years. Probably what you want us to die in.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He actively hates you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Guest]

By the way, to be married after we're dead.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He would rather like have his adventures than be with her or protect her.

[Scott Aukerman]

She is in danger solely because of his actions.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She's in danger. All they needed to do is get on the lifeboat, get off, get on that lifeboat. And he's like, oh, wait a minute, something. And she's someone breaking. He's like, go over there, do that. Like, he literally, like throws her away. Like garbage repeated. Literally, literally throws her away like this.

[Paul Scheer]

By the way, the only thing that they could really take from the first movie is that literally is that famous line, which I'm gonna butcher, but is that line like, you know, relationships that start in extreme circumstances don't work. They say that about four times in the movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He says it to the deaf girl when she tells him that she loves him and will be 15 soon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which they at the very beginning of this movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Good to go.

[Scott Aukerman]

The fact that she broke up, the fact that she broke up with Keanu Reeves proves that to be true. But they keep saying it like, like it's a cute thing from the movie. No, they don't work. Obviously.

[Paul Scheer]

Didn't work. Did not work.

[Guest]

That's a bummer for those of us who saw the first movie and you're rooting for them.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I've heard that Yandabot is making a speed three, but the characters in it are Jason Patrick and the 15 year old girl.

[Guest]

They are that shot when that girl takes off her jacket.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Talk slower.

[Guest]

Yeah, talk slower is so upsetting. And the sequence when they first make eyes at each other from across.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, and he like across the diner.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want her to do, make ears?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, guys, it's a meet cute. Jason Patrick, a grown man, has a meet cute with a 14 year old girl from across the room. He is more interested in chatting with her via sign language than talking to the woman he's having sex who's sitting next to him. It is absolutely disturbing. And then when he saves the little girl, she basically is like, I wanna be with you. Lolita is already in the mix.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, we've already already laid down some tracks here.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I swear to God, Jan de Bont is like the real couple in this is the Girl.

[Guest]

But his response, like you said, is not like, that's not appropriate. That's not possible. It's just like, these aren't the right circumstances right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's keeping it alive. He doesn't want to pull it.

[Paul Scheer]

Let's not close this. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Speed 3. It's Lolita. It's on an airplane, but the airplane.

[Paul Scheer]

Is a commuter jet and it only has a 30 minutes to get to where it's going. And then the saddest death scene of all time, like William. Wilhelm.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wilhelm.

[Paul Scheer]

Wilhelm Dafoe's plane gets stuck on like an antenna, which is impossible. Yes, totally impossible. Gets stuck on an antenna, defying the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Laws of physics and of man.

[Paul Scheer]

100% gas comes out and it explodes and it explodes up a giant, like, nothing in this movie. Everything explodes here in this movie. Like they hit a sailboat at one point and the. The sailboat explodes into a fire. It's a fucking sailboat. Where was the gun?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but then you cut to a raft where the people who own the sailboat are like, successfully.

[Paul Scheer]

Don't worry, they're fine. They're fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're okay.

[Paul Scheer]

But yeah, so it's the worst.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, my favorite one of those was when they're right. The boat is screaming through where all the little boats are and stuff, running over boats. And there's a dude on jet skis or a wakeboard, rather. The dude on a wakeboard is being towed and. And the boat cuts across, cutting the boat and the guy off. And you just see in slow motion as the guy on the wakeboard like, jumps up and like, clang. Hits right into the side of the boat of the cruise liner.

[Paul Scheer]

It's also useless action to it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's useless. And it's also like. How did you not see this cruise liner this close?

[Paul Scheer]

No one. Everyone's on their vacation. Obviously we did not like this movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hippies get the hippies. Remember the hippies? The hippie boat. Oh, the hippie boat with the tie dye. Peace.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I just say.

[Guest]

Gotta be messing with my head, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we talk about the very end of the movie? The last shot of the movie?

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sandra Bullock is back with Tim Conway. She's in her driver's test again. And they can't resist like adding one more joke because she drives off, it fades out. And you hear Crash.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. From a bus.

[Scott Aukerman]

From a bus. Ostensibly, she is dead.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

She's like, yeah, you hear that Crash.

[Guest]

And the other innocent people are dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

So obviously we did not like this movie, but some people did. So it's now time for a second opinion. These are reviews culled from Amazon. Five star reviews. I want to point out that one person who really liked this movie is Roger Ebert.

[Scott Aukerman]

Siskel and Ebert gave it a thumbs up. The only critics in the world.

[Paul Scheer]

The only critics. This movie has a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Roger Ebert says movies like this embrace goofiness with a sensual pleasure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sensual. Hold on, Roger Ebert.

[Paul Scheer]

And so, on a warm summer evening, do I. Ew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did he finger someone to this movie?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Grosso.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, that was movie's the finger to speed two, Cuckoo's Girl. All right, so these are some reviews from Amazon. This is from S. Lemay on the. Honestly, this movie is amazing. I'll keep it brief and honest. Patrick better than Reeves. Dafoe. Better than Hopper. Bullock. Better than Bullock. What? Five stars.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Amazing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a joke review. That's good.

[Paul Scheer]

Well, wait, wait.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

To be fair, he might be saying that she was better than Jim J. Bullock's performance in the first speed in.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one where he gets raped in a van.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Paul Scheer]

This is another one from Ronnie Clay. Now, these are written back in the day. These are not New America. Y' all stupid for not loving this movie. Look up the word talent. It's better than Titanic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hold on.

[Paul Scheer]

He goes, it was fun trying to see those two guys turn the cruise ship hard to the right so it wouldn't crash into that other ship. No, what was really exciting was the cruise ship wouldn't stop once it reached the beach, and it kept on crashing into buildings and wrecking little boats. Five stars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would like to follow up with that person now and be like, do you know that this is what you were doing in 1997?

[Scott Aukerman]

And finally, how you wasted your time.

[Paul Scheer]

Hammy, big fan, writes Hammy, big fan. Dude, this movie rocks. It's got everything. Sandra Bullock and boats. That is why this movie is everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the only two things it's got everything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sandra Bullock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there another movie that has Sandra Bullock and boats?

[Paul Scheer]

He must have been disillointed by the lake house.

[Scott Aukerman]

He loves it.

[Paul Scheer]

Hope floats, right? Or at least he was really upset by hope foes. He's like, it seems like there should be Sandra Blitz.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's the two things I love in this movie.

[Paul Scheer]

So those are some second opinions. If you guys have an opinion about this show, log on to itunes and rate our show. It helps us, I guess in the whole world of itunes it's an important thing to rate and review our show. And your views have been great already. But give us a rating and review. We appreciate that. Alright now, would you even recommend any. Anyone going to see this?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know. It's so long and so boring for long stretches of time that I would almost say no.

[Scott Aukerman]

There is zero excitement in it. I saw it opening day because I just saw every movie that came out back then and I didn't remember any of it. I watched this again with totally new eyes. So there is not a single scene that is exciting. I mean nothing. Usually in a bad movie there's one thing that you go, well, that was pretty cool.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Especially like an action movie. Like you would assume that at least some of the action will sell you on bad dialogue or bad. Whatever.

[Paul Scheer]

It's bloated. It's bloated in every sense. It's a waterlogged.

[June Diane Raphael]

How about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm taking over.

[Paul Scheer]

June. What do you say?

[Guest]

No, I don't know. I think it's kind of watchable. It is long.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's watchable in the sense of. It's not like, I guess a boring movie.

[Paul Scheer]

I stopped it so many times.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I fast forwarded because I was like. Like this is like deadly.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. The actual.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know, I would just be.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would say if you want to watch it, we'll just watch Speed one, you know.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, Speed one's better. Scott, this is a new feature we're gonna do. See how this works. What is your favorite bad summer movie? Like a big blockbuster that you felt did not work. Do you have any things that's really.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bad that I like or.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah, bad. That was like that. Yeah. Something you might recommend, like. Like a Batman and Robin, A wow. Wild West, Anything like that that sticks out to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I love, you know, I love the Rock and Con Air. Those are actually like two really good ones to me. I mean, Con Air is not good.

[Paul Scheer]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Con Air is.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Rock is. The Rock is technically a really good rock.

[Paul Scheer]

I really like the rock.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The Rock is great. Con Air is great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Con Air is great. While being terrible.

[Paul Scheer]

Yes. I mean it is like.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I love that movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. Back in the day when. When Mr. Show was happening, we would go to Mr. Show. We would go to movies.

[Paul Scheer]

We know you do this guy, Mr. Show. Whatever.

[Scott Aukerman]

We would go to mo dressed as whatever was happening in that movie. So Paul F. Tompkins, John Matta, BJ Porter and I went to see Con Air dressed as convicts in prison jumpsuits.

[Paul Scheer]

That's amazing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's amazing.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, man, Con Air. We should watch that. That would be a fun one to talk about.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to get. Actually really good.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We have to get back to Nicolas Cage. I'm a little worried. It's been a while.

[Paul Scheer]

It's been some time since we talked some Cage. Scott, you have a brand new show on IFC coming up, which I'm sure you just heard me.

[Scott Aukerman]

This Friday at 10:00pm, Comedy Bang Bang. This Friday we have Zach Galifianakis in it. Forte, Andy Daly, Gillian Jacobs, myself, Reggie Watts. But every Friday at 10. But I hope people watch it.

[June Diane Raphael]

It's gonna be great.

[Paul Scheer]

And so if you like the podcast, you'll love the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And even if you hate the podcast, I think you'll still like the show.

[Paul Scheer]

Hey, look.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, look, I get it.

[Paul Scheer]

Yeah. You're open to anybody liking the show. Sure, Yeah, I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Watch it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just watch it. Decide whether you hate it or not. But just watch it, guys.

[Paul Scheer]

Watch it.

[Scott Aukerman]

By all means, let me know. If you hate it, immediately get on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A message, just tweet at you how much they dislike.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the best thing about Twitter is it's like everyone has your email.

[Paul Scheer]

Alright, so definitely watch Comedy Bang Bang on ifc. June, anything you'd like to talk about?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. What about Burning Love? You're great in that.

[Guest]

Oh, I forgot. Burning Love is a web series I did with Ken Marino, Janet Varney.

[Scott Aukerman]

It comes out this week.

[Guest]

It comes out this really funny January 4th, June 4th on Yahoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, and burninglove.com as well. Yes, I've seen it. It's really funny.

[Paul Scheer]

It's really, really funny. If you like the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, you will like this a lot. Jason, you're still in the Dictator.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm still in the Dictator. They have not cut me out.

[Scott Aukerman]

When does that happen?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm waiting three weeks in, they're gonna cut my part out completely. Yeah, go see the Dictator. It's in theaters now.

[Paul Scheer]

I am on a movie that just came out on Friday on Video on Demand and in. In 75 movie theaters called Piranha 3.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Double D. I didn't know it came out.

[Paul Scheer]

Oh, this Friday. Just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm sorry.

[Paul Scheer]

I'm sorry. So, Piranhas, you wanted to see what happened to my character and how I became friends with Ving Rhames in the sequel. You have to wait till about 30 minutes into a 65 minute movie. But you can watch it at 65 minutes. It's pretty short. It's pretty short. It'S I think 70 something minutes all told. And there's about 12 minutes of bloopers. I do think that Piranha 3 DD has one of the best in history. Spoken. I will not give it to you, but you can watch it Said by Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will you do a podcast about that movie, do you think? I feel like you're staying away from your own project.

[Paul Scheer]

I feel like I would get in trouble on some level if I did that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm excited. I'm gonna get that VOD.

[Paul Scheer]

VOD. It will not be in 3D, but there are plenty of boobs. Plenty of boobs.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Plenty of boobs. There you go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like at least three per person.

[Paul Scheer]

It's all like Total Recall. It's all three boobs. Scott Aukerman on Twitter Ms. Junedianne on Twitter Paul Share on Twitter I'm not on Twitter. Guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul Scheer]

Dave Steffi, thank you for pulling our clips. Cody, thank you so much for being an engineer. Thank you so much. We'll see you later. Bye Bye.

[June Diane Raphael]

Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Britt break down a new case, but.

[June Diane Raphael]

Not in the way you've heard before and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

To help victims and their families get justice.

[June Diane Raphael]

Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday. Already waiting for you by searching for.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Crime Junkie wherever you listen to podcasts.

[June Diane Raphael]

Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run range red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway. As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits. See if they're using their phone, speeding and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety. Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time. Help keep your teen safe. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.