Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)

Summary

How Did This Get Made? — "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" (w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson)

Podcast: How Did This Get Made?
Hosts: Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, June Diane Raphael (absent)
Guests: Jessica St. Clair, Doug Benson
Date: November 25, 2025
Live at the Ace Hotel Theater, Los Angeles

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Episode Overview

The HDTGM gang and guests Jessica St. Clair and Doug Benson tackle Luc Besson’s 2017 sci-fi flop, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a would-be epic full of eye-popping visuals, baffling plot turns, questionable casting, and an utter lack of chemistry between leads. The crew unpacks the film’s many issues, shares impromptu bits about wrestle-fights and "jizz guns," reads wild Amazon reviews, and takes hilariously deep-in-the-weeds questions from a live audience.

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Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. Initial Impressions and Set-Up

• (02:52) Paul: Describes the movie as “like Fifth Element if it didn’t make sense. And that movie barely made sense.”
• (04:24) Jason admits he’d never seen the film, knew only that it looked confusing from the trailers:

  "It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded."

• Hosts and guests riff on the epic lack of chemistry (“bogey and bacal of now… unsuccesful”) between Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, and the film’s failure as a love story despite desperate attempts at witty banter.

2. Guest Introductions and Movie Vibes

• (06:36) Jessica St. Clair:

  “I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot. Cause I put it off… I hated this movie and I hate you guys for making me watch so many fucking movies about the dystopic future.”

• Banter about giving $5 handjobs for podcast money sets the tone: irreverent, honest, and slightly bonkers.

3. The Look, the Plot, and the Slime

• (09:04) Jessica wonders about the “jelly wrangler” and absurd amount of slime:

  “A lot of people are getting slimed in this movie. The slime ratio is very high.”

• (10:10) Doug confesses he saw the movie in the theater as a Luc Besson completist:

  “I’ll see every crazy piece of shit movie he makes till one of us is dead.”

• (10:16) Paul: Visuals are beautiful—“if I was in, like, an Indian restaurant [with] this playing on a monitor and I didn’t hear it or wasn’t invested… That looks cool.”

4. Nonsensical Structure and Vapid Exposition

• (11:24) Paul: The film opens with ten minutes of aliens washing with pearls, no subtitles, no English—“Avatar on the beach.”
• (12:58) Doug:

  “There’s the lost art of shaking hands montage.”

• (15:00) Jason points out the film’s lack of stakes and its disjointed, episodic structure:

  “This movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie. None of which is cumulatively important to the movie’s journey at all.”

• (14:26) Jessica notes that despite “being dumb about movies,” it’s impossible not to eventually understand, since the last five minutes are pure exposition.

5. Chemistry (or Lack Thereof) and Casting Choices

• (18:28) Paul: Attempts to credit the movie with trying for “James Bond in outer space” vibes, but:

  “There is nothing energetic between these two characters. They have so much witty repartee that… is kind of said deadly.”

• (19:25) Doug: “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.”
• (19:35) Jason:

  “They are not interested in performance at all.”

• Jokes about the “playlist” (Dane DeHaan’s exes) and awkward sexual overtones abound.

6. Random World-Building and Shallow Homages

• (23:17) Jessica: Suggests the film was built by a focus group of sci-fi fans, tossing in Star Wars, Avatar, and bar scenes.
• (24:26) Paul: “The pearl people are the Avatar people… I would have seen a whole movie of those pearl people.”
• (26:17) Paul: Points out baffling plot holes (e.g., a pearl explodes, never mentioned again).

7. Technical and Visual Aspects

• (31:52) Paul: “I want to talk about some of the tech…” leading to a breakdown of the “Big Market” sequence, a VR-within-VR, dimension-bending chase—ultimately confusing in logic and execution.
• (35:01) Paul likens the movie’s dialogue to:

  “Sorkin dialogue as written by, like, Michael Bay.”

8. More on Character Arcs and Stakes

• (37:17) Jason:

  “I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody… It never really hooked me. I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing for me to latch on to.”

• Multiple hosts agree that the movie is a string of loosely connected vignettes with flat affect.

9. Notable Cameos — and the Rihanna MVP Segment

• (40:00) Paul: “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.”
• (40:19) Jessica: “That Bubble died so soon.”
• (41:19) Jason: Roasts the oddly fashion-focused “beast” sequence, bloated and gross (“she doesn’t change its reaction at all. And then spits on her”).
• Sliming, “jizz guns,” and a running slime/sex theme surface.

10. Production, Box Office, and French Oddities

• (42:27) Paul: Reveals Luc Besson wanted this to be in French but switched for broader appeal; the budget was over $210M, and it barely broke even.
• (44:11) Stock drop and CEO stepping down after release—direct financial consequence.

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Audience Q&A Highlights

• (48:35) Audience participation: Each questioner must invent an alien race name.
• (49:02) Question about the protagonists’ indifference to their teammates:

  “They have no regard for human life.” —Jason

• (51:08) Discussion of the animal (Mü converter) that poops valuable pearls:

  “The animal seems to then have, like, violent diarrhea.” —Jason

• (53:32) More confusion about the “Big Market” VR logic—an ongoing frustration for the hosts and audience.
• (58:56) Alien race: “Jizzitars.”
• (59:14) Audience member:

  “How long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot?”
  All agree: about 100 minutes in, if at all.

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Memorable Quotes

• (04:24) “It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded.” —Jason Mantzoukas
• (06:36) “I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot... I hated this movie and I hate you guys.” —Jessica St. Clair
• (09:04) “The slime ratio is very high.” —Jessica St. Clair
• (10:16) “If I was in an Indian restaurant [with] this playing... that looks cool.” —Paul Scheer
• (15:00) “The middle hour and 40 minutes was irrelevant… this movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie” —Jason Mantzoukas
• (19:25) “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.” —Doug Benson
• (22:21) “The more we talk about it, it sounds like you guys are so hoping and wishing that that is a possibility [sex tapes as files] either now or in the future.” —Jessica St. Clair
• (37:17) “It’s very vignette. Each piece is its own little piece. And so some work, some didn’t.” —Jason Mantzoukas
• (40:00) “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.” —Paul Scheer
• (42:27) “This movie was originally supposed to be in French.” —Paul Scheer
• (44:11) When the film bombed, “the company that made the film, their stock dropped by 40% and the CEO immediately stepped down.” —Paul Sheer

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Five-Star Amazon Review Section (“Second Opinions”)

• (63:25) “To trash Valerian is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay… A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That’s Valerian.” —Read by Paul
• (68:51) “The metaphor of ‘we poop what we eat’ being made cinematically explicit is profound.” —Paul, quoting an Amazon reviewer

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Final Thoughts & Recommendations

Would They Recommend It?

• (70:34) Jason Mantzoukas:

  “If it’s on TV, watch it until you’re like, I don’t care for this anymore… I wouldn’t say rush out and buy it, but… if it was on, like… the USA network, sure.”

• (71:27) Paul:

  “The movie… you can tell it’s completely CGI… it just looks great. I just wish there was different actors and plot.”

• (71:52) Jessica:

  “If you have dreams of having sex with an alien… if you have a fetish for getting covered in jelly or slime, this would be something… Otherwise, I think it’s a pass.”

• (73:52) Doug Benson:

  “It’s a great coffee table movie… visuals are really good. But… the monsters feel like we’ve seen them before.” “Seek out [the] Rihanna scene… she keeps changing outfits, different sexy outfits and it’s pretty entertaining.”

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Notable Moments & Segments

• Rihanna’s performance: Unanimously praised as the high point. (40:08–41:19, 74:20–74:29)
• Pearl people and the Mü converter: Frequent targets for metaphor and plot confusion jokes. (24:26, 51:08, 68:51)
• Jizz guns and persistent slime: Ongoing running gags. (40:00 onward)
• Plotless vignettes: Criticism of disconnected set pieces, notably the "Big Market" sequence and the fashion show. (31:52, 41:19)
• Live audience Q&A: Alien-name improv, deep-cut lore questions, and math-problem jokes. (48:35 onward)
• Second Opinions: Amazon reviews as comedic fodder. (62:47–69:10)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:52] — Movie rundown and initial impressions
• [06:36] — Jessica St. Clair's review of her viewing experience
• [10:16] — Discussion of visuals and theatrical experiences
• [14:26] — The film's exposition-heavy storytelling
• [18:28] — Chemistry issues between leads
• [23:17] — Focus-grouped sci-fi tropes
• [31:52] — Analysis of “Big Market” sequence
• [35:01] — Skewering the dialogue and banter
• [40:00] — Rihanna's standout performance
• [44:11] — Production, box office, and financial fallout
• [48:35] — Live audience questions
• [62:47] — Second Opinions (wild positive Amazon reviews)
• [70:34] — Final recommendations

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Conclusion

The episode is a classic HDTGM romp: the panel gleefully shreds the movie’s incoherence, bemoans its wasted potential, and revels in slime/smut humor. All agree that while Valerian looks fantastic, it’s an object lesson in how not to adapt a beloved French sci-fi comic for Hollywood—unless you’re just aiming for a gorgeous, baffling background noise… and maybe some ideas for your, uh, “playlist.”

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Recommended to:

• Fans of wild, overstuffed sci-fi;
• People who want a visual spectacle regardless of plot;
• Viewers who really, really like Rihanna or getting slimed.

Skip if: You want memorable characters, coherent storytelling, or chemistry between your leads.

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“Valerian, the movie that dared to ask: what if Avatar was about pearls, amnesia, and violent alien diarrhea?”

Transcript

[Jessica St. Clair]

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[Ad Host]

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[Paul Shear]

A stunning sci fi spectacle that engages the viewer on every level except for character, plot and pacing. We saw Valerian so you know what that means.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Remake. How did Schwarzenegger grow a baby in his belly like a rhinestone vest while.

[Paul Shear]

Ripping just in the kitchen or maybe see a burlesque show with Nick Crowe and take a boat with speech to hittin cruise control J man Big Paul.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In the beautiful June gonna take you.

[Paul Shear]

From the goob all the way to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The room Ran the games in Street Fighter hope to blow off steam just.

[Paul Shear]

A sucker punch the odd life of.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Timothy Green Sharpnado the birdemic how we.

[Paul Shear]

Staying alive they call it in the badass and he's on the line cranking 88 minutes cause they cool as ice cause the bad Jim Barney looking kind and nice Paul and June gettin literal Jason is getting laid June is making.

[Doug Benson]

Sure all the monkey shots get they.

[Paul Shear]

Judge a bunch of movies while they making the grade Here's a real question for you. How did this get made?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hello, people of Earth, and hello, people of Los Angeles.

[Paul Shear]

We are here at the Ace Hotel Theater for the very special PCAST blast. We watched the movie Valerian. Wow. It's like Fifth Element if it didn't make sense. And that movie barely made sense. So we'll get into all of that, but first, let me welcome my co host. Please welcome Jason Mantzoukas.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's up, jerks?

[Doug Benson]

How we doing?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Balcony.

[Doug Benson]

Big.

[Paul Shear]

Big balcony up there.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Big balcony. Who here's been here all day? Yeah, who here's been wearing a diaper? Who's living that? Hashtag dipelife.

[Paul Shear]

And look, if you're listening right now, yes, they've been here all day. Since three. It's now eight. It's not that big of an accomplishment.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who's been here? It's like seeing one hours of podcasting.

[Paul Shear]

It's like seeing two Lord of the Rings movies. You, you're fine.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Which I'm sure none of these people have seen. Jk, you nerds.

[Paul Shear]

Speaking of nerds, Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Paul Shear]

This movie, Valerian, were you familiar with it? Did you see it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I was familiar. I had never seen it until this. I was familiar with it in theory, from watching the trailers and being like, well, I don't know what this is. And then I watched it and felt very much the same. It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded.

[Paul Shear]

I watched the movie in four separate viewings.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is the one with Dane DeHaan and.

[Paul Shear]

Cara Delevingne.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Cara Delevingne, right?

[Doug Benson]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tulip Fever.

[Paul Shear]

What? No, not that one.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tulip Fever.

[Paul Shear]

I'm sorry, I don't know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They are also the leads of the movie Tulip Fever.

[Paul Shear]

First of all, did not know that that was a thing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Fuck you. Second of all, their chemistry, so electric, it has now been the basis of two different love stories, both of which savagely unsuccessful.

[Paul Shear]

They are the bogey and bacal of now. They are the millennial. They are the millennial. Harry Met Sally. Jason.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What?

[Paul Shear]

We have a big show. A very big show.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How big is this show? Huge, because you guys got to get your energy, like 10 million times more amped. Thank you.

[Paul Shear]

We have a very special guest host filling in for our normal co host, June Diane Rayfield. We have a very special one. She has been on the show in the past. She has talked about films like Pluto Nash. She is the star of one of the most hilariously funny shows on TV. It's called Playing House. Please welcome Jessica St. Clair. Welcome, Jessica Here we go.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Thank you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm very excited.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Thank you.

[Paul Shear]

The audience is giving you blowing kisses.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The audience is on their feet. They're rushing the stage. If you're listening to this at home, the audience is freaking out.

[Jessica St. Clair]

They're tearing me limb from limb.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They are rending their clothes and losing their minds.

[Paul Shear]

They are very excited to see you. Whomp it up is back.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Wamp it up is back, bitches. I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot. Cause I put it off.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And because so long you were giving.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Hand jobs and I was also giving $5 handjobs just to try to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I know your prices went up.

[Paul Shear]

And the clients were kind of into it because you were playing a movie at the same time.

[Doug Benson]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It was a bunch of podcast nerds being like, wait, I can get a hand job and watch a sci fi movie. My dreams are coming true.

[Paul Shear]

Coming true indeed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, guys, talking about that jizz in your pants.

[Paul Shear]

And people could argue this movie is a little masturbatory. So, Jessica.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

I know that we've put you through the wringer with the future movies. This is not a dystopian future.

[Jessica St. Clair]

No. Now you hasn't aired yet. Right. But you've made me watch now Pluto Nash, which I found more enjoyable than this film, which says a lot. Although the costume design was very similar.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

To be fair.

[Doug Benson]

Can you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This picture is what's on the big screen up here.

[Paul Shear]

Right?

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's a lot like the guys I.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Jerked off earlier you did over there. Say these were. These three characters made you the most turned on you've ever felt in cinema history.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[Paul Shear]

This is the Magic Mike. These three. Three Stooges. Characters from the movie Valerian are, you know, they're sexy, they're fun, they're flirty.

[Jessica St. Clair]

They kind of reminded me of, oh, hello. Didn't they? Did they. Did they have an oh, hello vibe to anybody? They were like, oh, too much tuna. Anyway, yeah, I feel sick. I hated this movie and I hate you guys for making me watch so many fucking movies about the dystopic future. I would take so many trash cans on fire, so many iced teas with. With, you know, what was that shit ass movie?

[Paul Shear]

Or the Dolphin who was. Who was addicted to. Or the Internet or something. Oh, right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What was that?

[Jessica St. Clair]

What is the title of that?

[Paul Shear]

Johnny Mimonic that's Coming.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Anyway, I would take a thousand of those movies for one of this space bullshit.

[Paul Shear]

Jessica, all I'll say is, at least it's short. Only 2 hours and 16 minutes. Brisk.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And I'll tell you, I watched every one of those credits with Glee. I was like, these poor people worked so hard.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I mean, who was the. Who was the jelly wrangler who had to just, like, clean that jelly off of everybody because everybody.

[Paul Shear]

A lot of people are getting slimed in this movie. The slime ratio is very high.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

More so than on any Nickelodeon show ever. 100%.

[Paul Shear]

We have a very special guest tonight. He is a. How did this get made? All star. You know him from his amazing comedy specials, his own podcast. Doug loves movies. And from our episodes here of Twilight, Doug Benson.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Welcome, Doug. Hey.

[Doug Benson]

Everybody.

[Paul Shear]

Doug. I believe the only one of us who saw the film in the theater.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, yeah. If not opening weekend, close to it. Because I am a Luc Besson completist. I'll see every crazy piece of shit movie he makes till one of us is dead.

[Paul Shear]

I. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there was an element about this movie that I legitimately enjoyed.

[Doug Benson]

The Fifth Element.

[Paul Shear]

But there is something about this movie on a visual level that is like, if I was in, like, an Indian restaurant, this is playing, like, on a monitor and I didn't hear it or wasn't invested in it. That looks cool. Like, that's how I'd be like, excuse.

[Doug Benson]

Me, can you turn the subtitles off?

[Paul Shear]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You'd be like, I'd love more chicken tikka masala. And what is this movie?

[Doug Benson]

Can I have a side of valerian with my tik mar.

[Paul Shear]

Some sack paneer and some Dane Dahan? Is that his name?

[Ad Host]

D?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, absolutely. K. Delevingne is not in Tulip Fever, is it? She another lady?

[Paul Shear]

Oh, I don't know.

[Doug Benson]

That's Lisa Vikander.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, nuts.

[Paul Shear]

That's why I didn't get it as well.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She is right. Oh, okay. They're both. It doesn't matter. But I was wrong. You're right.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I don't blame any actor in this film for this movie. That's not their fault. They're just doing. They're there. They showed up to work on time. They got into hair and makeup.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How do you know that? Are you the set PA on this movie?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes.

[Paul Shear]

It's an interesting movie because I would argue that from out of the gate, it has all this potential. Well, it's crazy, but, I mean, the first thing that we're watching is, like, literally 10 solid minutes of no subtitles and no English. Right, right. It's just aliens who wash with pearls. They mine Pearls. They have pets that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Pearls. Wait, is that.

[Doug Benson]

Wait, it's Avatar on the beach.

[Paul Shear]

It's a beautiful avatar.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It really is. Is that before or after we watch aliens shaking hands with people for conservative.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, yes, sorry.

[Jessica St. Clair]

30 minutes.

[Doug Benson]

There's the lost art of shaking hands montage.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

30 minutes. Door opens, three people walk in, shake hands.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Nope.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Door opens, beep, beep, beep. Shake hands.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Nope.

[Doug Benson]

So many actors got to just shake hands.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then at the end of all of that, even still, it goes 400 years later. What? Why did you do this then? Why do this? This was the passage of time. You don't then also say, also 400 more years. Imagine all those hands shaking.

[Paul Shear]

And by the way, there was something very odd about this movie, like, just on the premise level. I mean, I'm hard pressed to understand why you even needed to see the passage of time at all. Because they. I mean, so I guess the idea is there was a space station, then it kept on growing and growing and growing. And then Rucker Hauer, who's like top build in the movie, has one scene.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

As he should be, 100%.

[Jessica St. Clair]

He's the guy with the earring.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Paul Shear]

He is the guy.

[Doug Benson]

Does not narrow it down.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is, by the way, this is a continuation of a conversation we started over there where Jessica goes, who was the man? Who was the. Who's the club owner where Rihanna was? And I said, ethan Hawke. And you went, that's Ethan Hawke.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And then I said, he had his teeth fixed.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think those were. I think those were fake teeth for this movie.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, he had future teeth because you know who he looked like? Who's the singer? He's got real bleach, blonde hair. Who?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sugar Ray Mar.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes, that's who I thought it was. And I actually thought to myself, he's not a terrible actor. But now that I know it's Ethan Hawke, he should be ashamed of himself.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, boy.

[Doug Benson]

When Ethan Hawke is the comic relief character in your movie, you're in trouble.

[Ad Host]

Playing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Playing future organ. He's playing future organ.

[Paul Shear]

He's playing an organ. But it doesn't seem that organ is the music that is playing in the scene. Like, it seems like a full orchestra is happening. But he's like over on the side. I mean, there's so. There's so much here. And the good news is, if you ever get lost, characters will stop the movie dead to give you three to four minutes of exposition at a time.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Flashback and flashback.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's the thing is you can be so dumb about movies as I am Doug. You know this. I was on Doug Love's movie once, and I haven't been able to meet his gaze once. But you can be really dumb and still kind of understand what's happening in this movie.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, yeah, because they tell you at the last five minutes, they're like, oh, here's the entire plot of the movie. Okay. It's almost like. It's almost like you're, like you're explaining it to your parents. Like. Okay, pause it. So remember those characters from before? So they're over here. And that guy is bad. Oh, he's bad. Yeah, he's the bad guy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But then if your parents were like, well, that would insinuate that the middle hour and 40 minutes was irrelevant. And it was. This movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie. None of which is cumulatively important to the movie's journey at all.

[Jessica St. Clair]

You know what I found out?

[Doug Benson]

DVD could have like a late chapter that says recap here. Yeah, go ahead, start here.

[Paul Shear]

If you started the movie, really in the last 20 minutes, you could get everything.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A great episode of television.

[Ad Host]

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[Paul Shear]

Well, let me talk about to me, I mean we can get into the pearl eating people, but the. The real issue that I have with this movie is it's like I'm giving it the real benefit of the downgoing. It's like a James Bond in outer space kind of story. But there is nothing energetic between these two characters. They have so much witty repartee that is not said the way that you would say witty repartee. It's kind of said deadly.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Like it's like When Harry Met Sally. But they're just. It's like a staged reading and they just got the script. Oh, I'm sorry. That was my line.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, right, right.

[Jessica St. Clair]

No, no, that was you go ahead. What are you doing?

[Paul Shear]

So you're a princess. Was guiding you.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah. Then a woman's inside you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, we got it. Moving on. Okay, you guys, you guys, your chemistry is off the charts.

[Doug Benson]

Every. Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less. Yes.

[Paul Shear]

It's like, we need to get this to the effects guys as quick as possible. They have a lot of work to do.

[Doug Benson]

Most.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The most important thing on this movie is effects. They are not interested in performance at all.

[Paul Shear]

But it's crazy because, like, that the main. The main actor, he is, should be roguish. His lines are written to.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He's supposed to be like a Han Solo, charismatic, you know, charming space rogue.

[Doug Benson]

And he sounds like Keanu Reeves if.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You close your eyes.

[Paul Shear]

By the way, we.

[Doug Benson]

We. I kept waiting for him to say he's not an FBI agent.

[Ad Host]

We.

[Paul Shear]

We literally. Averil Halle, who puts all of our stuff together, the genius behind all of these great things and movie bitches, she put together this short comparison. Take a listen, Federal agent on duty.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I am an FBI agent.

[Paul Shear]

Yes, it is exactly the same.

[Doug Benson]

I did not know you were gonna do that when I said that.

[Paul Shear]

That it's. It's insane.

[Ad Host]

And.

[Paul Shear]

And right from the get. They. I don't get these things when they, like, want to show, like, how couples are, like, really into each other. I've never, like, aggressively wrestled that. Like, that was their meat. Like, we're wrestling, like, they're wrestling a.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Drink with a full drink in their.

[Paul Shear]

Hands, which is a solid.

[Jessica St. Clair]

It's.

[Paul Shear]

It's solid. Whatever they're drinking.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The frequency with which the. The glass with the drink has to drop out of frame because it couldn't be there still because they would drop it or smash it or it would spill or whatever, just so they can then put it back in, bring it back.

[Paul Shear]

They literally are doing UFC style fight moves with their legs, like, flipping each other over.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Now this is. So you're telling me.

[Paul Shear]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And you're telling all of us. You and June don't aggressively wrestle at home. You guys don't.

[Paul Shear]

It was when we first met, we were wrestling all the time.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Right. Now it's falling off with the kids. You don't wrestle.

[Doug Benson]

And she wasn't sure for a while.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

When a girl's not sure, she'll wrestle with you. Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

You know when I talk about my playlist. My playlist, which was an odd choice. It's not like your.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Has a meaning currently.

[Paul Shear]

Yes. So to say your playlist, which is like. Is that Yank bank of old exes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think it's all the people that he's had sex with. Right.

[Paul Shear]

But why would you call that your playlist?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Right.

[Paul Shear]

I think because they just wrestle his playmates and they. And they Oddly, all, like, when he mentions his playlist, they all pop up on the wall like trading cards.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And do you think, like, because he also has the ability. Do you think if he, like, clicked on one of those things, you would then see it? Because you also. He also has the ability to see. See, like, the. The computer can project the dream that he had to him outside of his head. Remember that? Like, yeah. So are we to assume these are files of, like, his. Like, are these all sex tapes that he has? Like, what's.

[Jessica St. Clair]

The more we talk about it, it sounds like you guys are so hoping and wishing that that is a possibility either now or in the future.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here's what I want to know. Is it on the special features?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Exactly.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I didn't get the special features. Maybe you can click on them and see some, like, super alien dirty nastiness.

[Paul Shear]

I did watch some special features because I did buy this on itunes. I spent the $19, a more expensive itunes purchase.

[Doug Benson]

Why?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Why did you buy. Oh, so you could do your four viewings.

[Paul Shear]

Yes.

[Jessica St. Clair]

You had to dip in, dip out.

[Paul Shear]

Well, yeah, I was like, I don't know where I'm going to be able to watch this. I watched half of it on an iPad. I watched half of it on the TV in my bedroom. I watch half it on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Get it? You've got screens. Oh, you're dripping.

[Jessica St. Clair]

You took a break. You wrestled June. You went back to watching back. We get it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I watched an old Apple Newton.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Sure. I had a theory, which was that they had almost like a focus group of all of these movies, of which I've not seen all of them. But it's like, for those of you who like Star wars, we've got, like, that little bar they go to where everyone's like, right.

[Paul Shear]

The ship looks like the Millennium Falcon.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Right. And then there's what you know. Avatar. I know that. I know that. Which I thought they should have updated that. That's so dumb.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

Like, and, like, what's your favorite character of Star Wars?

[Jessica St. Clair]

What is this?

[Paul Shear]

What's your favorite character?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Hold on.

[Ad Host]

What?

[Doug Benson]

Like, if you had to pick one character from Star wars, it's Star Wars.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What's your favorite character?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Princess Leia.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Good job, Rip.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

She really knows her stuff.

[Paul Shear]

She really got into it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes, she is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait a second.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh, God. Forgot Car was dead. And then I. Then I remembered, and I said, again, she's not dead.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

We have terrible news.

[Doug Benson]

Princess storyline.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Great. Who are you ripping on? Debbie Reynolds? My God.

[Ad Host]

God.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Here in the Ace Hotel? No, but. And then you've got Your avatar. Right? That's all the tall people.

[Paul Shear]

Yes.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And then pearl.

[Paul Shear]

The pearl people are the avatar people.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Right? And I would have seen a whole movie of those pearl people. I thought that was nice. She wakes up in, like, an ear canal, and then, like. And then she's, like, stretching. I was like, this seems like a good life.

[Doug Benson]

It's got a very sexy half shirt on.

[Paul Shear]

I.

[Doug Benson]

The.

[Paul Shear]

The sexy half shirt was odd. They didn't seem like creatures that needed. Needed to wear clothes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Here's the thing.

[Paul Shear]

And she was wearing a very blousy top.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Like, everything's very gossamer.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Those. Those. That race of beings did not have nipples.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's interesting. I didn't even look at it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right. So, so, like, like, then why. Why. Why wear shirts?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, what's. What are we doing?

[Paul Shear]

There was no reason for them to be wearing shirts.

[Doug Benson]

You only wear shirts to show off your nipples. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, the only reason I wear a.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Shirt is to cover my nick nips. Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And same with you guys, because, good God, I don't want to see any of these gross nips. So thank God for shirts. But without nips.

[Paul Shear]

I have a lot of issues about this world. While beautiful is like, she wakes up, she goes to her sink to wash her face, and pearls.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That'd be a great, like, cosmetics commercial if I was just like, ah, get those pearls on me.

[Paul Shear]

But then she goes outside, and then there's water. Yeah, but then they're getting pearl pearls.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Out of the water. Yeah.

[Ad Host]

So.

[Paul Shear]

But there is a world where there is water.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pearls are not water.

[Ad Host]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Even though they seem to turn into liquid. And they also have an energy, like a powerful energy. More powerful than like an atom bomb or something like that, you know?

[Paul Shear]

Right. That one could blow up. Well, there's a moment in this movie that I was like, I know I could have fallen asleep at any given point, but when that one pearl blows up and everyone's in the space station, like, when they're interrogating that one pearl person, they. Everyone, like a big explosion happens, and then they don't ever reference it again.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right.

[Paul Shear]

Am I right?

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's right.

[Ad Host]

Am I right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

When.

[Paul Shear]

When they're, like, interrogating the person in the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. Without interrogating the pearl, man. But where is the pearl at that point?

[Paul Shear]

I think they take out a pearl at one point and there's like, oh, really?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, maybe that might be.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Do you remember that people remember that they die is when they do that.

[Paul Shear]

It. It's a different pearl.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's Not a pearl.

[Paul Shear]

It's not. Oh, okay. They die in explosion. We, we normally, we normally mic up our audience. They die in an explosion?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, wow. So the pearl then blows up.

[Doug Benson]

Did you guys know that John Goodman is one of the voices?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes.

[Doug Benson]

And they just repurposed all of Sully's lines from Monsters Inc.

[Paul Shear]

I'm not going in for that. Just take, take old Roseanne takes and Sully lines. Like how they did like Grandma Darkin in like Rogue One. I, I, I wrote down like this movie was so kind of based on a certain level that I started to write that my notes have devolved into things like this uniforms are stupid. Yeah. Like I, I was like, like the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Idea of a uniform. It's 500 years in the future and people are wearing dumb clothes from now.

[Jessica St. Clair]

They look like Nazis straight up. Right. The bad guys.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, oh yeah, those uniforms.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Meantime, you're going to be in a olive green. That's a bad choice.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What is the chest piece that Clive Owen. Clive Owen cannot catch a break. This dude is a phenomenal actor. He is in trash.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Except for Croupier and the Nick. Okay. Otherwise, like, I don't know what's up with, with him.

[Paul Shear]

He, him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I felt so bad him putting on that giant hat every time and that weird golden, like if somebody like glued a bunch of nuts and bolts onto a chest placard and he has to like clip it in and wear it around the rest of the movie. I was like, give up, dude, it's over.

[Paul Shear]

But what I liked about Clive Owen was he didn't know what side he fell on. Like when you first met him, like, could he be good or could he be bad? I'm joking. He was playing fully bad from moment one. There was no confusion.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The moment where the camera comes around the second time and you realize it's him that ordered the attack on the planet and you were like, no, door.

[Paul Shear]

Cuz I haven't met any other antagonist yet.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

This is, there's no reason for like.

[Doug Benson]

Jessica thought they were all bad guys from the beginning, even immediately. And they and Valerians with them in the beginning. Like they're all supposed to be good, then they're bad later.

[Paul Shear]

I don't, I don't like a movie where they keep a character's back like to camera and then he turns around but they're not anybody that you know. Like, like when Valerian goes to meet his first person, I'm like, oh, who's it gonna be? Oh, I don't know this person.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I also didn't understand Herbie Hancock. I didn't really ever understand. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Ever understand who? Valerian and Cara Delevingne.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Did she have a name? What was.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, her name's Lauralene. And the. The graphic novel that it's based on, this is a classic example of Hollywood sexism or French sexism. The. The. The book it's based on is called Valerian and Laureline. And then the movie is called Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Like, fuck that girl. She's only half of the whole movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

People are either coming for the dude or the City of a Thousand.

[Jessica St. Clair]

She has to be in a bikini all the time at work, and when she's not, she has to wear that very uncomfortable metal bra.

[Doug Benson]

She's not in the bikini enough of the time, if you ask me.

[Paul Shear]

Well. But I'm also like. Because he treats her as if they are not equals. Like, but they.

[Jessica St. Clair]

She has to wait for the takeout guy or, you know. Or she has to, like, always be out in the. In the lobby.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah, the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Wait for me in the lobby. Go outside, have a smoke, get me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Some Reese's Pieces, and wait for me in the lobby. Wait for me in the lobby of the big market.

[Ad Host]

I wrote down.

[Paul Shear]

I was like, there's so much sarcasm in this movie. I don't know what's real or not. And I don't know if they're good at their job or they're terrible at their job because nothing made sense.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know if they understand sarcasm. I also think. And I. And whatever. I think these are both very talented people, and I have seen them be good in other things. It was like someone let two kids onto a movie set and they were like, fuck it, let's do the movie with them.

[Doug Benson]

I was like, I couldn't say, whatever you want.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Kids couldn't crack it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I couldn't figure out, well, here's a big problem. The stakes for them seem to be for most of the movie. That they're trying to get to their vacation.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That they just gotta get to the beach.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, also, they don't really accept his marriage proposal because this is clearly the love story of the century.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

By the way, there's nothing more sad than someone being, why won't you marry me? And the first. Like, it's like this first thing. I was like, oh, all right. Well, you laying it all out on the line right from the get go.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Like, are they even a couple at the beginning of this?

[Paul Shear]

No, no, they're partners.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They're just partners.

[Doug Benson]

Right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But.

[Doug Benson]

But they're inseparable. And they wrestle in their underwear on the pinch.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

They like. Honestly, they both have more chemistry with the robot that runs their ship.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Alex.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Alex.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, my gosh. I want to talk about some of the tech, because I believe that the movie. Well, first of all, this performance was one of my favorites. The. The. The. Hold on here. I'm gonna just.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, I love that.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I don't like when she almost gets her brainy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There was something.

[Paul Shear]

This is my. This is my favorite performance. This guy here.

[Doug Benson]

Welcome, everybody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Welcome.

[Doug Benson]

Please.

[Paul Shear]

Gather round.

[Doug Benson]

Gather round. Now.

[Jessica St. Clair]

My name is Tazzy.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Russell Brand is busy for today.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay? Now, whose first time is this at Big Market?

[Doug Benson]

Okay, Lovely, lovely.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wonderful, wonderful. Now, let me remind you that Big Market is in another dimension. You won't be able to see it without your helmet or touch it without your gloves.

[Doug Benson]

Please watch the letters at the top.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And verify that the U for human is full green. Okay? So everybody, please get together right behind.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Your guide, whose name is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Come on, let's go.

[Paul Shear]

I don't know.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Through the gates.

[Paul Shear]

Watch. It's right to camera.

[Doug Benson]

Wonderful. Okay.

[Ad Host]

System activated. One.

[Paul Shear]

There we go. This is my favorite little.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Activate your system, please.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Welcome to Big Market.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Why didn't Jason get this job? Were you up for this part? There were two parts. You could have gotten that one and the. And the Jellyfish Hunter.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was. I was up for both of these parts. You know, I. I just. You know, I missed it by. By. I guess, you know, it just came down to me and him, and he had all of the wardrobe already.

[Paul Shear]

You didn't.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

You didn't have enough beads in your beard.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

One of those guys that came in character, you know, he just came with.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Like, a double bag full of old towels and then wrapped them around.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It was undeniable.

[Paul Shear]

Have you guys been to the. The whole Universal Park? The Valerian Universal park where you. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's just a big, empty piece of sand.

[Paul Shear]

So here's my issue with the Big Market. So the premise is it's in another dimension. Cool idea. You got to put on glasses, and then you can explore. But basically, even though it's in another dimension, you're still in this dimension walking around. So it's almost like VR that you're experiencing, but you're existing in a space. So when all this shit happens where they're, like, robbing John Goodman from Monsters, Inc. He's being chased, but at any given point, couldn't he just take off the glasses?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, he didn't know because his hand is stuck in the thing.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, his hand would always be in that dimension.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. That's why he can't just jump right out. Oh, he's stuck.

[Paul Shear]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Because otherwise that's all he would have had to do is, like, go like. And he could take his arm out and he could.

[Doug Benson]

Then he needs Lauralene to go at it with pliers or something that. Who knows where she pulled that out of.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And I just connect.

[Doug Benson]

Fix it so it comes off. And she's real calm when she's doing it. He's panicked.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So fun repartee is flawless.

[Paul Shear]

It's like old school Joel Silver writing Lethal Weapon style. I wrote down.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was like, it's like Amy Sherman Palladino level banter.

[Paul Shear]

I wrote down as real slow.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Real slow. You know, like that crackling patter of a screwball comedy slowed, real down. Like, it's like. Like it's a. Like it's been. Like it's taken a bunch of syrup in Houston.

[Paul Shear]

I wrote down. I wrote. It's like Sorkin dialogue as written by, like, Michael Bay. Like, it's like. It's like there's an energy to it that should be there, but there's no there there either. It's. You know, it's. It's so.

[Doug Benson]

It's.

[Paul Shear]

It's con. They're. Every time they opened their mouths, I was like, I don't. And it kept.

[Doug Benson]

It all feels like it's made to be enjoyed in any language.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, I wonder if there are people that it really would have. Like, one of my things always when I see stuff that doesn't connect with me, but then I'm like, because. And I don't think we've said this exactly, but there's a lot of very cool, fun sci fi ideas at play in this. A lot of segments are really interesting, really great kind of ideas and execution, but it's just kind of so flat. And I keep being like, who would I have liked to see in this movie? Like, it. Would it have changed if. And. And again, I want to go on record, I like both of these actors, but if Sam Rockwell was in this movie, would this movie be so much better? Like, someone who.

[Paul Shear]

Sam Rockwell. Frances McDormand. Let's see. Valerian.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great.

[Doug Benson]

Valerian in the city with three billboards.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Three billboards.

[Paul Shear]

Outside of a Thousand planets. No, but I. But I almost think, like, visually, Jean Luc Besson is amazing. It's like you just want somebody to come in there and be like, let's just rewrite This a little bit. Let's kind of put a little flavor to this because it's like. It is, I think, as far as, like, a special effects. A movie that's so special effects heavy. It is one of the most beautiful movies that doesn't feel like, I don't know what, cgi. It feels great. It looks very bright and vibrant. But it's the same way I kind of feel about James Cameron movies sometimes, too. I'm like, Like, I wish there were, like, Avatar.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I wish there was, like, also what Sinclair was saying about, like, stakes. I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody. It never really hooked me. I never. I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing. But I never latch on to. So I just kind of end up being like. And it's very. Vignette.

[Paul Shear]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Each piece is its own little piece. And so some work, some didn't.

[Paul Shear]

And it's all.

[Ad Host]

They don't.

[Paul Shear]

I mean, they really don't go on their mission. They don't ever go on a mission. They go on one thing that leads them to the next thing. So they're. They don't even. They're just, like, along for the ride. Like, they. They didn't. They don't just watch there.

[Doug Benson]

They take turns saving each other.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah, that's. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. There's a lot of, like, I felt like there was that one scene where Cara Delevingne's like, go through that wall. And it was just an excuse to run through all the worlds that they had mentioned, but they had no discernible plot for any of it. Like. Yeah, well, it'd be cool if he just runs through the.

[Ad Host]

All of them. Right.

[Paul Shear]

Wouldn't that be like, at least we did it. Like.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But to be honest, that was my favorite part of the. The movie RIP that. That suit was the only thing I thought would be cool to have.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But he could be like, oh, I'm swimming now. Now I'm running really fast. Now I can go through walls, you know? I was like, okay, that's something interesting. Sky Jet. What is a. What you say to something about hand.

[Doug Benson]

Jobs in the parking lot?

[Paul Shear]

But through it all, no matter how far the worlds get, you still get some Bee Gees with staying alive when you're walking through the cool 41st street.

[Jessica St. Clair]

The red light district.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, yeah, we'll just be out here.

[Doug Benson]

He has to turn down a lot of action.

[Jessica St. Clair]

People want to have sex with aliens. That's what this is telling us. It's the truth.

[Doug Benson]

Hi, Suga. They shot this at the rap party.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hey, you want to fly?

[Doug Benson]

I'm allergic to feathers.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Uhoh, that. Wait, Paul, will you just pause for one second? How about that? Hey, baby, do you want to fly? I'm allergic to feathers. That's, it's. This is supposed to be crackling dialogue. I'm allergic to feathers.

[Doug Benson]

He really, he's just trying to let him down gently. He's got a real legit reason not to her.

[Jessica St. Clair]

He doesn't want to put.

[Doug Benson]

I don't want to sneeze in your face while.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'd love to you, but it's. Yeah, you know, you and down pillows. I can't do it now.

[Paul Shear]

If you were made out of my pillow material that, you know, contours.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bring me one of those. Bring me one of those tempur pedicures.

[Paul Shear]

Which essentially Rihanna is. Rihanna is a morph, by the way. I think Rihanna, MVP of this movie.

[Doug Benson]

Best scene in the movie.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes.

[Paul Shear]

She is a little blue creature, which. But I, I, I'm all in on real like, I thought it like bubble, bubble. And they also.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That bubble died so soon.

[Paul Shear]

I feel like spoilers.

[Doug Benson]

Jessica, sorry.

[Paul Shear]

She dies so anti climactically. They kill everybody. Like, where's Bubbles?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And she's like, I'm here. I love that she raises one finger almost like over here.

[Jessica St. Clair]

One tentacle.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

But she is dying.

[Paul Shear]

I'm the best performer. He's like, you were a great performer. You're one of the best actresses I've ever seen. Like, that was like, that was like his final send off to Bubbles.

[Doug Benson]

Of course you're a great actress if you can be anything.

[Paul Shear]

Well, by the way, she has to.

[Doug Benson]

Whatever she wants to. They, he likes, like, he needs to practice.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah. He comes up this plan to like, they're gonna be that crazy, like, weirdo creature. They jump in and like two minutes before a massive Matrix style fight scene. They can't even walk straight. And then like us, literally a minute later, he's running and jumping and chopping people's heads off. She's good. She's real good is what I'm saying.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That segment where Lorelai Laureline Rather is trapped in with those beasts that are.

[Paul Shear]

Like, yes, the fat ass beast.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And it's just the fashion show.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Nope, nope, nope.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was like, now what are they up to?

[Doug Benson]

Nope. No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why did this get through? Like, what's, what's, what are we doing here?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Because she doesn't even. There's like eight beats where she doesn't the, the, the Creature doesn't change its reaction at all. And then spits on her.

[Doug Benson]

And then it finally just blows snot in her face.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah, she gets snot. People get slimed like again in this movie. There's a lot of slime. There's jizz guns. There are. There like. And then that little, that scene with the baby, like when he, like when.

[Doug Benson]

Valerian runs into a toy noiseless baby.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

And he's like playing with a kid, but there's like also snot on that kid's face. And then the mom comes in. A lot of slime. This movie was originally supposed to be in French.

[Jessica St. Clair]

What?

[Ad Host]

John?

[Paul Shear]

Yes, John Luc Besson decided to get a wider audience.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

His name is Jean Luc.

[Doug Benson]

His name's Luc.

[Ad Host]

Oh, sorry.

[Paul Shear]

Jean Luc Picard and Jean Luc Besson. Sorry. Luke Besson. I'm so excited that maybe John Luc Picard might come back for the Quentin Tarantino Star Trek. It's been on my mind.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh my God.

[Paul Shear]

Sorry. Luc Poisson. Lucas. But yeah, he thought, he thought it would be great to put in English because it would be a broader film, but it did not work. The budget of this movie was 210 million. Was 17.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh no.

[Doug Benson]

Well, it probably did better internationally though.

[Paul Shear]

Yes. Now this is the thing. The worldwide gross of this movie was $225 million. So it made. Yeah, just, just kind of broke even. And by the way, John Luc Besson also took no money for this movie.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh no.

[Paul Shear]

Because he was. Wanted to make this vision. So he did not.

[Doug Benson]

Maybe.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Is there something French about this movie we're not getting. I recently saw a movie that was like an Italian comedy. It was like the most depressing thing I'd ever seen. But I'm like, maybe if I'm Italian I'd be like. So like, maybe there's something that's your.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Impression of you as an Italian person. That's how you laugh when you're Italian.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Have it cappuccino.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then you just say cappuccino. You. And as an Italian lady. Hahaha. Cappuccino. Really phenomenal acting, by the way.

[Paul Shear]

Just to put a button on this. When the movie did come out, even though it made $225 million, the company that made the film, their Stock dropped by 40% and the CEO immediately stepped down.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Ken killed himself.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, at all?

[Paul Shear]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh, that's a shame.

[Doug Benson]

Oh God. Doug.

[Jessica St. Clair]

It surprised me.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Doug, are you okay?

[Doug Benson]

Doug?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Doug, have you gone into another dimension?

[Paul Shear]

His arm's in the box. Get his arm out of that box.

[Jessica St. Clair]

This movie's gonna make me sick tonight. I feel it. I feel that it's gotten into my veins.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did you feel like as you were watching it, you understood what was happening?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes, and that was unfortunate. I was really hoping to have, like, kind of a blackout experience like I've had with some of these films.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Sure.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But I could follow it enough that it really made me so much.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You said they are traumatic experiences.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Exactly. This one just makes me feel, like, vaguely nauseous.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And Italian.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, and Italian. There's a real taunton feeling, too, when she slices him out of that way.

[Doug Benson]

Taunton. What a specific reference for you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I feel like you just learned. What a ton.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's when she slices open. I have like a very big game five in the movie theater. Who slices? Somebody slice that.

[Paul Shear]

The chief slices open Right. When Princess Leah does it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Or no, no, no, no, doesn't Luke slices it open. Makes a home in it.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, Han Solo.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But yeah, it was Han Solo who did that.

[Paul Shear]

But by the way, you're very close. You're very close.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did you just call him hot?

[Doug Benson]

Is his name really hot?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

[Paul Shear]

John Luke Solo.

[Ad Host]

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[Paul Shear]

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[Ad Host]

This has been another Amazon five star theater performance. I don't know where they got this.

[Paul Shear]

Idea for an ad campaign, but it's really smart.

[Ad Host]

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[Paul Shear]

Do it, but then feel like, well.

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[Paul Shear]

Oh my gosh. Well, I feel like we should talk to our audience because they're here and I'm sure they have a lot to say because we got to talk about Bob the pirate. We got to talk about the jellyfish head. We got to talk. There's a lot to get into it here. So let's go on to our crowd right now and let's see what they have to say. I'm gonna come down here. Okay, who has something?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really think about it. Is your question good?

[Paul Shear]

All right, I want you know, There are over 200 alien races in this film. So I'd like you to say your name and come up with an alien race name that could be in this movie. In your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My name is Brian the Goobles.

[Paul Shear]

Great. Love it. That was great. If you said it with more confidence, it would have been better.

[Doug Benson]

Remember, guys, be confident and have your questions on paper.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Please have your glasses ready. I want to know your opinions or thoughts on the Laurelines and Valyrian's indifference to their teammates. Remember at the beginning they're getting off the desert planet and 10 people die and then they escape, leaving them behind.

[Paul Shear]

And then Laureline just says, shoot, Shoot.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

He ruined my dress.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, that was pretty cold blooded of them, right?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. They have no regard for human life.

[Jessica St. Clair]

No. But were those guys supposed to be dicks? Those guys on the bus?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, they were wearing silly hats.

[Doug Benson]

That's true.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

At one point she does go, nice hat.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, nice hat. And that hat never seems to have any reason at all.

[Paul Shear]

No.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Nope. Couldn't figure.

[Doug Benson]

Like it doesn't do anything.

[Paul Shear]

All right, here we go, sir.

[Doug Benson]

It's like a jolly rancher on his head. A green jolly rancher.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That would be amazing, Mike.

[Paul Shear]

Alien name. Alien name.

[Doug Benson]

Charismoids.

[Paul Shear]

Great. That's a good one.

[Doug Benson]

Glyvo. And wipes out all life on this planet. Covers up all record of it. And Lauralene says she knows how the mule converter works because she learned about it in school.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh, wow.

[Paul Shear]

Wow, you're really.

[Jessica St. Clair]

We're peeling back the layers now.

[Paul Shear]

Well, our. Our mule converter. Only on that planet.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yes, yes. So how did she learn about that?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Maybe they like, were more.

[Paul Shear]

Maybe she went to like, the Progress.

[Jessica St. Clair]

No, we found a loophole.

[Paul Shear]

She went to like a Waldorf school. So they're very like, alternative stuff.

[Doug Benson]

Valerian runs through a lot of holes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

In the plot if that doesn't make sense. It's the only thing in the movie that doesn't.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I know, and I'm surprised he didn't cross that. You really found that?

[Doug Benson]

Found that flaw.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I really would have liked to see more of that little creature. I liked him.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. I liked watching him, like, his face struggle as he pooped out whatever he ate.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

By the way, he eats the pearl.

[Doug Benson]

Willingly and then looks surprised when he starts shitting out all that stuff.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It really is like the animal seems to be in distress. It is cruel to do what they're doing. And the animal seems to then have, like, violent diarrhea.

[Doug Benson]

Sarah McLaughlin could watch those scenes in another world.

[Paul Shear]

These are porgs. Like, I mean, imagine if. And if we go see Last Jedi, all the porgs do is just out, like lightsaber crystals.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Just like, just out. Kyber crystals.

[Paul Shear]

All right. These people are from the balcony. They've come down with their questions. Your name, your alien race.

[Doug Benson]

That's some ambition.

[Jessica St. Clair]

My name's Christina. My alien race is. What is consentiazoid?

[Paul Shear]

Nice.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And so at the very end, Valerian's like, I'm a soldier. I play by the rules. When they're debating giving back the converter. But when in the entire movie has he actually played by the rules?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, I.

[Doug Benson]

He.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And when he never really seemed to much to me to be a soldier. Like, he seems to be like a. Like a. You know, like a play.

[Jessica St. Clair]

A.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

A play by his own rules kind of guy.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Like, at least Luke, right. He wants to figure out whose dad is. Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Go on.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But he, like, he's like, are you.

[Doug Benson]

Talking about Jean Luc?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, but there's like a dark force. He's like, we gotta defeat this.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There's a dark force. Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Right.

[Jessica St. Clair]

What is the dark. Who are they fighting?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Who's who fighting?

[Jessica St. Clair]

This guy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Well, they're fighting.

[Doug Benson]

They're fighting their own. Yeah, they're fighting Clive Owen. He turns out to be the bad guy halfway through.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah, but who is Valerian's dad? Is that what you're asking?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Also, here's what I want to know, too. Like with. When they are doing the mission where the school bus people are bringing them to the big market, who are the school bus people? Like, who are. They are rebels. But in service of what exactly?

[Jessica St. Clair]

I thought we were at that point. These are like the good guys that are trying to overthrow some bad guys. But no, that's not true. And those guys got eaten by a dog, so who cares? Yeah, Space dog.

[Doug Benson]

Space dog.

[Jessica St. Clair]

What about space dog?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Slow Fall. I love that.

[Paul Shear]

I'm going back to my theory about why he couldn't take off. Why he couldn't take off.

[Doug Benson]

Sarah McLachlan hates this movie.

[Paul Shear]

Her ads on Alpha Planet are amazing. I'm going back to why his hand was in that box. If he took off the glasses, though. Well, I mean, couldn't they just. They would shoot the box and the box. But he wouldn't get shot, right? Yes, he would.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The glasses. Just. The glasses don't.

[Doug Benson]

Just so he could see where he's going.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, okay. So there is like. So someone could kick you with the glasses on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Remember? He's like, saying, she's not wearing glasses. And he is. And he's saying, hurry up, hurry up. Because he can see.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Space dog. Space dog.

[Paul Shear]

Right. But she would get hurt.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

She would not.

[Jessica St. Clair]

But he would die.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Correct.

[Jessica St. Clair]

If you have your hand in that box.

[Paul Shear]

But if. But it was just a hand in.

[Jessica St. Clair]

The box, wouldn't you just your hand die?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, but because isn't he still. He, I believe, is still in the big market dimension.

[Paul Shear]

No, but if you take off the glasses.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No, the glasses. Aren't you. The glasses just like. Oh, boy. Oh, I can explain this.

[Paul Shear]

No, I get what you're saying, because once they walk past that little thing that. That entrance gate.

[Jessica St. Clair]

We need a nerd to explain this. Paul, you are not fit for this.

[Paul Shear]

All right, Sorry. I'm learning. All right, sir. Yes. Your name, your alien race and your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

My name is Tim. I would say, based on the number of women in his playlist, maybe a race called the Venereals.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh, yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then here's my question. So Rihanna is a specialized and arguably a one of a kind exotic dancer. Jolly the pimp is a pimp. But also the club promoter, musical accompaniment. And possibly the owner and proprietor of this club, Bubble, performs her act for exactly one person who doesn't pay. How is this business profitable?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Dude, Maybe that's why the economy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

No more SAT question questions. Tim, we're not doing math for you.

[Doug Benson]

If this movie leaves a train station at 2 o'. Clock.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Okay, the rent on the club is 74,000 cubits per month.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I need scratch paper.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How many dancing.

[Doug Benson]

Sir, at least one organ was getting touched in there.

[Paul Shear]

All right, sir, your name, your alien.

[Ad Host]

Race and your question.

[Paul Shear]

Hi, my name's Steve. My alien race would be something like snoozle or something weird. You gotta snooze something similar. Let's go, Steve. Snoozle. Okay. Hi, I'm Steve. I'm a snoozle because I like. You don't have to be it. We're not.

[Doug Benson]

I love it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

How do you say high end Snoozle?

[Doug Benson]

You don't have to be it, you have to live it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Hashtag lumadab. Snooze.

[Doug Benson]

Snooze it up, y'. All.

[Paul Shear]

All right, so like you said, there's over 200 aliens in this movie. And apparently the director, John Luc Besson. Yes, he wrote make it so. He wrote a 600 page book detailing each one of these aliens.

[Jessica St. Clair]

What?

[Paul Shear]

Yes, according to IMDb. And he made each one of the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Actors read this book so they could.

[Paul Shear]

Alter their acting when interacting with a specific alien.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And it is for free.

[Paul Shear]

Did that pay off?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Do you think it helped?

[Paul Shear]

Wait, Jessica, did I pay off?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How much? How much money do I have to pay? Is this another math question? No, no, no.

[Paul Shear]

Was it worth writing that book and making these actors read it?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What do you think, Steve Snoozle? I think you know the answer, dum Dummy. We're doing it on the podcast. Sit down. Jesus Christ. Don't ask questions you think we all know the answers to. Guys.

[Paul Shear]

Sir, your name. I want you to forcibly say your alien race. And then your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Tim and Swamp Whican.

[Ad Host]

Love it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, I like that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Did they. After they attacked the space you in, did they make any effort to. To save any of the other people's lives that got like.

[Paul Shear]

I thought that too. Yeah, no, they're cold blooded. Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Are we to assume everybody else is just still in those jelly cocoons and do those jellies?

[Jessica St. Clair]

You die in that thing or you just stay asleep?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I think it just. It just puts you to sleep.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I'd love to get a nice nap in a jelly cocoon.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I just like. I just like the idea that your husband comes home and you've covered yourself in jelly and you're just like trying to sleep on the bed and he's like, fuck yeah. My dreams have come true, by the way, because he's covered in peanut butter.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Then we wrestle a bunch.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You guys wrestle on a bread bed? Yeah, yeah. By the way, jelly cocoons just living that dip life.

[Paul Shear]

He puts in a. Like a breathing device. That. That was one thing. But then the breathing device opens and then like a little robot spider comes out.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Nope. I love that.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

See, that's the stuff I liked in the movie.

[Paul Shear]

I agree. I love.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

There was cool stuff at play that I was like, oh, too bad. This is this movie. I was like, too bad. There's cool components. I like elements of this. I just. Fifth elements. I just wish that that stuck show. So that's just. I. I was. Ah, boy, this was a bummer.

[Paul Shear]

Your name, your alien race and your question.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm Sophia.

[Ad Host]

The.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The Jizzitars. I got real stuck on the jizz gun. The Jizzit Tars.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I got stuck on the jizz gun.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The jizz like a guitar.

[Jessica St. Clair]

They would have like. No, like an avatar. That's a jizz out of guns.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know.

[Jessica St. Clair]

No.

[Paul Shear]

Do we do you said it and we take it.

[Ad Host]

Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

Okay, I'm on.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Honestly, curious, how long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot? Because for me it was an hour and 40 minutes. Like, I like stopped it. I'm still not sure of the plot.

[Jessica St. Clair]

What the through line is.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And then There was still 40 minutes left when the movie ended. I was like, oh, well, okay, thank God. And then I looked 20 more minutes.

[Doug Benson]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So.

[Doug Benson]

So how long?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

How long? I was shocked.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Do you know about the ending?

[Doug Benson]

What? Last scene's amazing. They're just standing around talking and then they kiss. Pan out from the spaceship at the end.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

So those K Trons kill everybody.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yes.

[Jessica St. Clair]

And then where do the earwax people go? Where did the pearl people go?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why do. Why does nobody's gun but Valerians work against the K Trons? The army guys are like. The K. Trons are like, nothing affects us. And he's just like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. And hit. And each one explodes every time.

[Paul Shear]

Well, it's in the 600 page novel.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, okay. Yeah. So.

[Ad Host]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Welcome Paul Shear back to the stage, everybody.

[Paul Shear]

Thank you, guys. It's real great.

[Doug Benson]

I like the. I like the scene where Valerian is hanging on by a fishing pole that an alien is dangling him and his solution is to shoot the alien in the face, who will then let go of that pole and then he will fall to his death instead. They just cut to the next thing that happens. Yeah.

[Paul Shear]

This movie has the harshest cuts of all time. It literally goes from an alien princess dying in, like, the collapse of her world to a hard cut of like, that funny, like, on the beach sex scene. It's like, oh, like, I don't know how to feel. They. They just are like, ah, it. We don't need to bridge it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

The whole thing is when she dies, she, like, like, projects her soul into Valerian.

[Ad Host]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Seems kind of random.

[Paul Shear]

What the.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

What? That's so dumb.

[Paul Shear]

There literally is. There literally is a six minute explanation of the entire, entire plot with the last 10 minutes of the movie. It's like, all right, stop. We'll explain it. So. So this end will have some meaning to you. And. And when he gets in Rihanna's body, he just really lets loose with his feelings for Laureline. He's like, yeah, I really like her. She doesn't like me, but I don't know if I can commit to her. I think that's my issue. Like, he. He has a full therapy session that was all done in adr.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Why?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Why also. Why also is it important for him to delete his playlist? Like, why does that matter?

[Paul Shear]

I think there must be sex videos, right?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Because she says I should be the only woman.

[Doug Benson]

Yes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Right, I get it. But what I'm saying is, like, why is that such a demonstrable show of, like, I only care about you? Like, he's done all this stuff.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's right. It's like saying you would need to go and get rid of. Kill all of your exes to be with me. Which I don't think is crazy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wait, what?

[Jessica St. Clair]

I don't think that's crazy. I don't want them. I don't want them to be living in this realm so, like, that they can't contact you.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

That's a movie right there, you know?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

If you want to commit to me, kill all your exes.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So there's no way you can get back together with anybody.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Exactly.

[Doug Benson]

It's called Scott Pilgrim versus the World.

[Paul Shear]

We had an opinion about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Valerian in the sky. What girl would fuck this guy? He's full of smirks. He's just a jerk. Second opinions. His gadgets do everything. Breakthrough walls of interdimensional malls. Second opinion. Yeah, Second opinions. Give it up for Tim. Great work, Tim.

[Paul Shear]

Great work. All right, these are five star reviews called from Amazon.com. they are great. 42% of the reviews are five stars. There are 536 total reviews for the movie. Let's get right into it. This is from James Rasmussen. And the title of the review is Ms. Delevingne is quite the flower. Not only. Now, I will say this. In all my time in reading these, this is the first review that included a picture of Cara Delevingne. All right, so this is how it goes. And it's not as creepy as all of that implies, but it goes. A lovely film. This Dahan kid is cool. I dig his voice. The movie is imaginative. It reminds me of a 70s blaxploitation drm. Com, which I don't think it reminds me of none of those things. Yeah, nothing about that. Great characters and casting. Visually, it's stunning. It's grandiose.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Great story.

[Paul Shear]

Aliens are super cool and believable. The Space Ranger tech suit that Valerian wears is really cool.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I agree.

[Paul Shear]

There's a great sequence to showcase it that would appeal to all the gamers. And I was really impressed, impressed with this flick. And Cara Delevingne is one fine woman. Five stars. This is. Let's see here. Okay, this is from Phoenix. Phoenix Angel. I love the movie. I've always, or for as long as I can remember, believed in the possibility of us not being alone, that there's life among us and beyond the stars.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, so this is a documentary?

[Paul Shear]

Yes. This movie, I believe, is a possibility of tomorrow masked as fiction to help expose what could be. Five stars.

[Doug Benson]

Conspiracy theory.

[Paul Shear]

And the title is phenomenal movie. See for open minds. If you're a GAIA.com person, you will like this. I don't know what Gaia is a yoga website.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So, so, so that review is like, you like yoga? You like this other foreign into this movie. Can you imagine so many pissed off yoga people being like, why are we watching? Yeah, this sucks.

[Paul Shear]

Mark Chavez came in and really took took the haters to task. Don't believe the negative reviews. They're from people who still have a Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk figurine in their office. Or better yet, wear pajamas and underwear with Darth Vader on their crotch. Trust me, this movie's great. Five star.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I love that those people have those toys in their office on their crot.

[Paul Shear]

Darth Vader on their crotch.

[Jessica St. Clair]

At least it's breathable and happy back on Doug, Shop for your happy back.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

On this new snug brought to you by Mack Weldon. Breathable Darth Vader underwear.

[Paul Shear]

For all you Valerian haters out there, push the Front.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It makes the sound.

[Paul Shear]

This is this is one of my favorite reviews I've read in a while cuz it's very. It goes deep. This is by Wallace Guy says big reward for forgiving the flaws and going deeper. This is one of my Say that.

[Doug Benson]

About any piece of.

[Paul Shear]

This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I watched it for the first time a few days ago and I have already seen it thrice.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Not enough going on in Wallace's life.

[Paul Shear]

To trash Valerian is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay, introduction, content, conclusion, proper grammar, proper spelling, logical flow. A poem might have none of those, but be a great poem. A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That's Valerian. There are two aspects of Valerian that stand out for me. Creativity and metaphors. I love the world that was created and I see layer upon layer of really insightful metaphors and allegories. Whether or not those layers are there or I'm just making stuff up doesn't matter. But here's an example. The movie centers around an animal, a MU converter which replicates whatever it eats. It's ambiguous exactly how it does this, but what I saw was an animal that poops out whatever it eats. I found the contrast between the high value nature of what it was eating and the excrement nature of the replication absolutely hysterical. The metaphor of we poop what we eat being made cinematically explicit is profound.

[Doug Benson]

If you read Drum, this guy takes some amazing shits every day.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know what? Thank God somebody is willing to put on film that which we know to be true. We poop what we eat. Finally, a filmmaker brave enough to document it on film, watch it on the.

[Doug Benson]

Toilet and wake up.

[Paul Shear]

He goes, if you like the movie but are having trouble, I suggest that this movie is a good candidate for some herbal assistance. It might free you from the prison of mores. Five stars for Valerian.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow.

[Paul Shear]

A really in depth review. So just to give you a little bit of background and we'll go to our final thoughts here, the movie got a 49% on Rotten Tomatoes.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

49.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's bad. 49%.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I would like to reiterate the house got 17. Oh, which reminds me, just very quick, if everybody could be quiet. Alexa, please buy the house on Blu Ray dvd. Yes, thank you.

[Paul Shear]

The top three movies of the last year because this movie came out this year are Rogue One, Beauty and the Beast and Wonder Woman. And this movie came in 66. 66 of all the movies that came out in the last year, and it was beaten by Fast and Furious and Return of Xander Cage, and it beat nothing that we talked about on the show. Final thoughts, everybody. Would you recommend this movie in the sense of why we do the show to. To watch something that's interesting, goods, bad, whatever you want to say about it. Would you recommend this movie, Jason?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

You know, here's what I'll say. If it's on tv, watch it until you're like, I don't care for this anymore. And then. And then watch something else. I wouldn't say, like, we exist in a world right now where you would have to buy it.

[Doug Benson]

Watch it if you're enjoying it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah, but I would. I wouldn't say rush out and buy it, but if it was on, like.

[Jessica St. Clair]

If it was on, like, the USA network, it came on, sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Well, no, because commercials.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Then there'd be commercials and it'd be like seven hours long.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Okay.

[Paul Shear]

But like, if it's on HBO or.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Something, or on an airplane, sure. Watch it. Like, there is some really cool, like, sci fi stuff, you know, like, there's elements of this that are so interesting and so well executed that I think it's worth watching on a visual level. But it is so not satisfying as a cumulative watch that I feel like, check in and out on it and who cares? Is kind of my, like, clean your.

[Paul Shear]

House and keep it on in the background. I. I agree. I think that the movie is like it. I can't go on enough to say how great it looks for a movie that is. You can tell it's completely cgi, like, they were never in any real location, and it just looks great.

[Ad Host]

Great.

[Paul Shear]

I just wish there was a different actors and plot, but yeah. Jessica, what do you think?

[Jessica St. Clair]

I mean, does this movie make me as sick as the other movies you've made me watch? I guess not. I think if you're a fan of aliens, if you want to, like, if you're like the kind of guy or girl whoever wrote that thinks maybe there's other worlds out there, you want to see a variety of aliens. If you have dreams of having sex with an alien, I feel like this would be a good watch, you know, give you some ideas for your playlist, for your alien playlist. If you like looking at me when you jealousy.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I'm not trying to have sex with aliens.

[Jessica St. Clair]

You have, like, a fetish for getting covered in jelly or. Or slime. This would be something that would be good for you. Otherwise, I think it's a pass.

[Doug Benson]

Do you like perfect eyebrows?

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, sure.

[Doug Benson]

Hers are pretty amazing. Hers are great.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Oh, yes. Good looking people. I would have liked a different bang on him on that actor. I don't like a boyish bang on him differently. A boyish bangs on somebody I don't like. But again, you can see him in the chair.

[Doug Benson]

Give me bangs.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Yeah, give me bangs. Like.

[Paul Shear]

Anyway, so yeah, the good news for all of you is that John Luc. John Luc Besson has said that he is gonna finance another movie.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Really?

[Doug Benson]

Why doesn't it say Valerian will return at the end?

[Paul Shear]

It was supposed to be one of the trilogy and I think he's doubling down on it.

[Jessica St. Clair]

It will not be a 2 inch actors. There's no way they're gonna.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Can I ask like an audience question very quickly, just by applause? Is this like a beloved property, this comic book to people?

[Paul Shear]

The comic book started in 1967 in France and ended in 2010. So it's been a very long running, successful French. Got it. Comic that is known for being smart and funny and on every level, like what sci fi should be. Comments on society. It's like very highly regarded.

[Ad Host]

Sure.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

So just like this movie.

[Paul Shear]

Yes. Doug, would you recommend this movie? You saw it in the theater.

[Doug Benson]

Well, yeah, now that it's not in theaters anymore, I agree with everybody here that it's a great coffee table movie. That it, you know, it looks great all the way through. The visuals are really good. But you know, the monsters also feel a lot like we've seen them before. A lot of them.

[Paul Shear]

Yet I like. What was your favorite monster?

[Doug Benson]

Rihanna. Yeah, Rihanna's like her scene. Like seek out her scene. Maybe it's available on YouTube.

[Paul Shear]

Oh, I'm sure. Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

By itself, the scene where she performs because she keeps changing outfits, different sexy outfits and it's pretty entertaining.

[Paul Shear]

I. I was, I was all in for that just because like, again, I think that she had some life to her as a performer. It was like. And even Ethan hawke or Mark McGrath, whoever it is. Like, I loved when the energy just came in, like, that's right. It's just like. Oh, yeah, right. That's how these things work, these movies.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I love how he gets murdered right in front of Bubble and she's like, I don't want him to be mean to me anymore. And he's like, he's not gonna. I think you're gonna be all right now. He's fucking laying there dead.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah. They really kill people with reckless abandon. So I guess this movie is a solid maybe to watch. Across the board, I give it a thousand stars. Let's just go talk. Doug, what do you. What do you have that you want to. You have, obviously your. Your amazing podcast. Doug Loves Movies.

[Doug Benson]

Doug Loves Movies is still going strong after 11 years.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Wow. Wow.

[Paul Shear]

And it's really fun to see a live show. The show is out and about a bunch.

[Doug Benson]

It's always live all across the country. And got some shows coming up in LA too. And Jessica is going to be back on soon.

[Jessica St. Clair]

I'm available.

[Doug Benson]

And Jason and Paul and June are always welcome. Tim could come on and sing a song.

[Paul Shear]

Tim is the best.

[Doug Benson]

Tim, that was amazing.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Be careful. Tim will show up.

[Paul Shear]

He lives here in la.

[Doug Benson]

I'm into it. I would love that. Like, just come up and sing a song.

[Paul Shear]

Tim, your. Your. The gauntlet has been thrown.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And let's see how many. How many podcasts Tim can sing poorly on. Oh, I'm not being mean to Tim, everybody.

[Doug Benson]

You're being nice to music.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Everybody's so sensitive.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Don't be such a snoozel.

[Doug Benson]

But douglowsmovies.com for all the future dates.

[Paul Shear]

Perfect. Jessica.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Well, we've got a new Whomp it Up coming every week. Hot and fresh. Much like a digiorno pizza that's not delivered to your door. I don't know when this is airing, but Jason's is the next one. Gutterballs. Comes back for his own episode. We really get into it, don't you worry.

[Paul Shear]

And just to give you to toot your horn here, year and the end year of the best shows on tv. Playing House I see has been written up in so many great publications. The New York Times, everything. Very exciting.

[Jessica St. Clair]

Thank you so much. Yes. And please go watch season three. All the seasons are on itunes and.

[Paul Shear]

Amazon and you can go, Alexa, by playing House.

[Jessica St. Clair]

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

[Paul Shear]

Jason, what do you want to talk about?

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I am on the team show Big Mouth on Netflix.

[Jessica St. Clair]

The best.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It is an animated puberty based comedy that is very dirty.

[Paul Shear]

It's super dirty.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Yeah. If you're wondering if I get a pillow pregnant after I have sex with it, I do. If you're also wondering if that pillow has the voice of Kristen Bell.

[Paul Shear]

It does.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And I would also like to plug something that I am not even remotely involved in, but it is the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It is on Amazon and it is.

[Jessica St. Clair]

You just told me about it.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's fantastic. So if you haven't watched it yet, go watch that.

[Paul Shear]

Very excited. For that I will plug the Disaster Artist, which. Which we Jason, June and I all have the ability to be in. And it's. I think it's really, really good. We did a special episode about it here, but if you see it, make sure you stay until the very end of the credits. Not just the beginning end credits, like until the credits are over. Because there's a scene that you don't want to miss out on.

[Doug Benson]

I messed up. I didn't wait for it.

[Paul Shear]

It's really good.

[Doug Benson]

I didn't think there'd be a fucking MCU scene at the end. I know.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I was shocked that Loki was there.

[Paul Shear]

Loki comes to Tommy and goes, you gave birth to Rey. You have to save her. She's the last Jedi. So definitely you gotta this porg and the porg will shit out kyber crystals.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Oh, actually, I want to plug one more thing.

[Paul Shear]

Yeah.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Paul and I did another episode of the Chris Gethard Show. It's. I honest to God, I don't even know where to tell people to go watch it.

[Paul Shear]

I think you can find it on the True TV app or you can find it. You can buy it on Apple, but you, you can find it. Just find the episode.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

It's. It's Chris Cather's talk show. Paul and I just did an episode. We did an episode last year called Another Man's Trash.

[Paul Shear]

Right.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

I don't know what this one is called, but here's the setup.

[Paul Shear]

Show us your pets.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Show us your pets. Actually, it is what it's called. Chris Gethard leaves the show within the first 10 seconds and gives Paul and I one full hour of live television to control.

[Paul Shear]

And we, we had no prep time, we had no rehearsal. We did not know what was happening until he walked off and they revealed it to us live. We were live on television.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

And if you think we didn't fucking destroy that show, check it out if you can. It really is.

[Paul Shear]

You can definitely watch the five minute clip reel of it, which is on YouTube right now. But it's really good. Chris Gethard from the Jazz Singer episode. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Los Angeles.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Thank you for watching Valerian.

[Paul Shear]

We'll see you next time.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Bye bye.

[Doug Benson]

Woo.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

PCast get it. Hey, this is Will Arnett, host of Smartless. Smartless is a podcast with myself and Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman, where each.

[Ad Host]

Week one of us reveals a mystery.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Guest to the other two. We dive deep with guests that you.

[Paul Shear]

Love, like Bill Hader, Selena Gomez, Jennifer.

[Ad Host]

Aniston, David Beckham, Kristen Stewart, and tons more. So join us for a genuinely improvised and authentic conversation filled with laughter and newfound knowledge to feed the smartless mind. Listen to Smartless now on the SiriusXM app.

[Jason Mantzoukas]

Download it Today. A KFC tale in the pursuit of flavor. The holidays were tricky for the Colonel. He loved people, but he also loved peace and quiet. So he cooked up KFC's $4.99 chicken pot pie. Warm, flaky, with savory sauce and vegetables, it's a tender, chicken filled excuse to get some time to yourself and step away from decking the halls, whatever that means. The Colonel lived so we could. Chicken KFC's Chicken Pot Pie, the best $4.99 you'll spend this season. Prices and participation may vary while supplies last. Taxes, tips and fees extra.