How Did This Get Made? — "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" (w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson)

Podcast: How Did This Get Made?
Hosts: Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, June Diane Raphael (absent)
Guests: Jessica St. Clair, Doug Benson
Date: November 25, 2025
Live at the Ace Hotel Theater, Los Angeles

Episode Overview

The HDTGM gang and guests Jessica St. Clair and Doug Benson tackle Luc Besson’s 2017 sci-fi flop, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a would-be epic full of eye-popping visuals, baffling plot turns, questionable casting, and an utter lack of chemistry between leads. The crew unpacks the film’s many issues, shares impromptu bits about wrestle-fights and "jizz guns," reads wild Amazon reviews, and takes hilariously deep-in-the-weeds questions from a live audience.

Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. Initial Impressions and Set-Up

(02:52) Paul: Describes the movie as “like Fifth Element if it didn’t make sense. And that movie barely made sense.”
(04:24) Jason admits he’d never seen the film, knew only that it looked confusing from the trailers:

"It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded."
Hosts and guests riff on the epic lack of chemistry (“bogey and bacal of now… unsuccesful”) between Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, and the film’s failure as a love story despite desperate attempts at witty banter.

2. Guest Introductions and Movie Vibes

(06:36) Jessica St. Clair:

“I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot. Cause I put it off… I hated this movie and I hate you guys for making me watch so many fucking movies about the dystopic future.”
Banter about giving $5 handjobs for podcast money sets the tone: irreverent, honest, and slightly bonkers.

3. The Look, the Plot, and the Slime

(09:04) Jessica wonders about the “jelly wrangler” and absurd amount of slime:

“A lot of people are getting slimed in this movie. The slime ratio is very high.”
(10:10) Doug confesses he saw the movie in the theater as a Luc Besson completist:

“I’ll see every crazy piece of shit movie he makes till one of us is dead.”
(10:16) Paul: Visuals are beautiful—“if I was in, like, an Indian restaurant [with] this playing on a monitor and I didn’t hear it or wasn’t invested… That looks cool.”

4. Nonsensical Structure and Vapid Exposition

(11:24) Paul: The film opens with ten minutes of aliens washing with pearls, no subtitles, no English—“Avatar on the beach.”
(12:58) Doug:

“There’s the lost art of shaking hands montage.”
(15:00) Jason points out the film’s lack of stakes and its disjointed, episodic structure:

“This movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie. None of which is cumulatively important to the movie’s journey at all.”
(14:26) Jessica notes that despite “being dumb about movies,” it’s impossible not to eventually understand, since the last five minutes are pure exposition.

5. Chemistry (or Lack Thereof) and Casting Choices

(18:28) Paul: Attempts to credit the movie with trying for “James Bond in outer space” vibes, but:

“There is nothing energetic between these two characters. They have so much witty repartee that… is kind of said deadly.”
(19:25) Doug: “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.”
(19:35) Jason:

“They are not interested in performance at all.”
Jokes about the “playlist” (Dane DeHaan’s exes) and awkward sexual overtones abound.

6. Random World-Building and Shallow Homages

(23:17) Jessica: Suggests the film was built by a focus group of sci-fi fans, tossing in Star Wars, Avatar, and bar scenes.
(24:26) Paul: “The pearl people are the Avatar people… I would have seen a whole movie of those pearl people.”
(26:17) Paul: Points out baffling plot holes (e.g., a pearl explodes, never mentioned again).

7. Technical and Visual Aspects

(31:52) Paul: “I want to talk about some of the tech…” leading to a breakdown of the “Big Market” sequence, a VR-within-VR, dimension-bending chase—ultimately confusing in logic and execution.
(35:01) Paul likens the movie’s dialogue to:

“Sorkin dialogue as written by, like, Michael Bay.”

8. More on Character Arcs and Stakes

(37:17) Jason:

“I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody… It never really hooked me. I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing for me to latch on to.”
Multiple hosts agree that the movie is a string of loosely connected vignettes with flat affect.

9. Notable Cameos — and the Rihanna MVP Segment

(40:00) Paul: “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.”
(40:19) Jessica: “That Bubble died so soon.”
(41:19) Jason: Roasts the oddly fashion-focused “beast” sequence, bloated and gross (“she doesn’t change its reaction at all. And then spits on her”).
Sliming, “jizz guns,” and a running slime/sex theme surface.

10. Production, Box Office, and French Oddities

(42:27) Paul: Reveals Luc Besson wanted this to be in French but switched for broader appeal; the budget was over $210M, and it barely broke even.
(44:11) Stock drop and CEO stepping down after release—direct financial consequence.

Audience Q&A Highlights

(48:35) Audience participation: Each questioner must invent an alien race name.
(49:02) Question about the protagonists’ indifference to their teammates:

“They have no regard for human life.” —Jason
(51:08) Discussion of the animal (Mü converter) that poops valuable pearls:

“The animal seems to then have, like, violent diarrhea.” —Jason
(53:32) More confusion about the “Big Market” VR logic—an ongoing frustration for the hosts and audience.
(58:56) Alien race: “Jizzitars.”
(59:14) Audience member:

“How long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot?”
All agree: about 100 minutes in, if at all.

Memorable Quotes

(04:24) “It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded.” —Jason Mantzoukas
(06:36) “I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot... I hated this movie and I hate you guys.” —Jessica St. Clair
(09:04) “The slime ratio is very high.” —Jessica St. Clair
(10:16) “If I was in an Indian restaurant [with] this playing... that looks cool.” —Paul Scheer
(15:00) “The middle hour and 40 minutes was irrelevant… this movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie” —Jason Mantzoukas
(19:25) “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.” —Doug Benson
(22:21) “The more we talk about it, it sounds like you guys are so hoping and wishing that that is a possibility [sex tapes as files] either now or in the future.” —Jessica St. Clair
(37:17) “It’s very vignette. Each piece is its own little piece. And so some work, some didn’t.” —Jason Mantzoukas
(40:00) “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.” —Paul Scheer
(42:27) “This movie was originally supposed to be in French.” —Paul Scheer
(44:11) When the film bombed, “the company that made the film, their stock dropped by 40% and the CEO immediately stepped down.” —Paul Sheer

Five-Star Amazon Review Section (“Second Opinions”)

(63:25) “To trash Valerian is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay… A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That’s Valerian.” —Read by Paul
(68:51) “The metaphor of ‘we poop what we eat’ being made cinematically explicit is profound.” —Paul, quoting an Amazon reviewer

Final Thoughts & Recommendations

Would They Recommend It?

(70:34) Jason Mantzoukas:

“If it’s on TV, watch it until you’re like, I don’t care for this anymore… I wouldn’t say rush out and buy it, but… if it was on, like… the USA network, sure.”
(71:27) Paul:

“The movie… you can tell it’s completely CGI… it just looks great. I just wish there was different actors and plot.”
(71:52) Jessica:

“If you have dreams of having sex with an alien… if you have a fetish for getting covered in jelly or slime, this would be something… Otherwise, I think it’s a pass.”
(73:52) Doug Benson:

“It’s a great coffee table movie… visuals are really good. But… the monsters feel like we’ve seen them before.” “Seek out [the] Rihanna scene… she keeps changing outfits, different sexy outfits and it’s pretty entertaining.”

Notable Moments & Segments

Rihanna’s performance: Unanimously praised as the high point. (40:08–41:19, 74:20–74:29)
Pearl people and the Mü converter: Frequent targets for metaphor and plot confusion jokes. (24:26, 51:08, 68:51)
Jizz guns and persistent slime: Ongoing running gags. (40:00 onward)
Plotless vignettes: Criticism of disconnected set pieces, notably the "Big Market" sequence and the fashion show. (31:52, 41:19)
Live audience Q&A: Alien-name improv, deep-cut lore questions, and math-problem jokes. (48:35 onward)
Second Opinions: Amazon reviews as comedic fodder. (62:47–69:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

[02:52] — Movie rundown and initial impressions
[06:36] — Jessica St. Clair's review of her viewing experience
[10:16] — Discussion of visuals and theatrical experiences
[14:26] — The film's exposition-heavy storytelling
[18:28] — Chemistry issues between leads
[23:17] — Focus-grouped sci-fi tropes
[31:52] — Analysis of “Big Market” sequence
[35:01] — Skewering the dialogue and banter
[40:00] — Rihanna's standout performance
[44:11] — Production, box office, and financial fallout
[48:35] — Live audience questions
[62:47] — Second Opinions (wild positive Amazon reviews)
[70:34] — Final recommendations

Conclusion

The episode is a classic HDTGM romp: the panel gleefully shreds the movie’s incoherence, bemoans its wasted potential, and revels in slime/smut humor. All agree that while Valerian looks fantastic, it’s an object lesson in how not to adapt a beloved French sci-fi comic for Hollywood—unless you’re just aiming for a gorgeous, baffling background noise… and maybe some ideas for your, uh, “playlist.”

Recommended to:

Fans of wild, overstuffed sci-fi;
People who want a visual spectacle regardless of plot;
Viewers who really, really like Rihanna or getting slimed.

Skip if: You want memorable characters, coherent storytelling, or chemistry between your leads.

“Valerian, the movie that dared to ask: what if Avatar was about pearls, amnesia, and violent alien diarrhea?”

How Did This Get Made? — "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" (w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson)

Episode Overview

Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. Initial Impressions and Set-Up

(02:52) Paul: Describes the movie as “like Fifth Element if it didn’t make sense. And that movie barely made sense.”
(04:24) Jason admits he’d never seen the film, knew only that it looked confusing from the trailers:

"It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded."
Hosts and guests riff on the epic lack of chemistry (“bogey and bacal of now… unsuccesful”) between Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, and the film’s failure as a love story despite desperate attempts at witty banter.

2. Guest Introductions and Movie Vibes

(06:36) Jessica St. Clair:

“I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot. Cause I put it off… I hated this movie and I hate you guys for making me watch so many fucking movies about the dystopic future.”
Banter about giving $5 handjobs for podcast money sets the tone: irreverent, honest, and slightly bonkers.

3. The Look, the Plot, and the Slime

(09:04) Jessica wonders about the “jelly wrangler” and absurd amount of slime:

“A lot of people are getting slimed in this movie. The slime ratio is very high.”
(10:10) Doug confesses he saw the movie in the theater as a Luc Besson completist:

“I’ll see every crazy piece of shit movie he makes till one of us is dead.”
(10:16) Paul: Visuals are beautiful—“if I was in, like, an Indian restaurant [with] this playing on a monitor and I didn’t hear it or wasn’t invested… That looks cool.”

4. Nonsensical Structure and Vapid Exposition

(11:24) Paul: The film opens with ten minutes of aliens washing with pearls, no subtitles, no English—“Avatar on the beach.”
(12:58) Doug:

“There’s the lost art of shaking hands montage.”
(15:00) Jason points out the film’s lack of stakes and its disjointed, episodic structure:

“This movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie. None of which is cumulatively important to the movie’s journey at all.”
(14:26) Jessica notes that despite “being dumb about movies,” it’s impossible not to eventually understand, since the last five minutes are pure exposition.

5. Chemistry (or Lack Thereof) and Casting Choices

(18:28) Paul: Attempts to credit the movie with trying for “James Bond in outer space” vibes, but:

“There is nothing energetic between these two characters. They have so much witty repartee that… is kind of said deadly.”
(19:25) Doug: “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.”
(19:35) Jason:

“They are not interested in performance at all.”
Jokes about the “playlist” (Dane DeHaan’s exes) and awkward sexual overtones abound.

6. Random World-Building and Shallow Homages

(23:17) Jessica: Suggests the film was built by a focus group of sci-fi fans, tossing in Star Wars, Avatar, and bar scenes.
(24:26) Paul: “The pearl people are the Avatar people… I would have seen a whole movie of those pearl people.”
(26:17) Paul: Points out baffling plot holes (e.g., a pearl explodes, never mentioned again).

7. Technical and Visual Aspects

(31:52) Paul: “I want to talk about some of the tech…” leading to a breakdown of the “Big Market” sequence, a VR-within-VR, dimension-bending chase—ultimately confusing in logic and execution.
(35:01) Paul likens the movie’s dialogue to:

“Sorkin dialogue as written by, like, Michael Bay.”

8. More on Character Arcs and Stakes

(37:17) Jason:

“I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody… It never really hooked me. I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing for me to latch on to.”
Multiple hosts agree that the movie is a string of loosely connected vignettes with flat affect.

9. Notable Cameos — and the Rihanna MVP Segment

(40:00) Paul: “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.”
(40:19) Jessica: “That Bubble died so soon.”
(41:19) Jason: Roasts the oddly fashion-focused “beast” sequence, bloated and gross (“she doesn’t change its reaction at all. And then spits on her”).
Sliming, “jizz guns,” and a running slime/sex theme surface.

10. Production, Box Office, and French Oddities

(42:27) Paul: Reveals Luc Besson wanted this to be in French but switched for broader appeal; the budget was over $210M, and it barely broke even.
(44:11) Stock drop and CEO stepping down after release—direct financial consequence.

Audience Q&A Highlights

(48:35) Audience participation: Each questioner must invent an alien race name.
(49:02) Question about the protagonists’ indifference to their teammates:

“They have no regard for human life.” —Jason
(51:08) Discussion of the animal (Mü converter) that poops valuable pearls:

“The animal seems to then have, like, violent diarrhea.” —Jason
(53:32) More confusion about the “Big Market” VR logic—an ongoing frustration for the hosts and audience.
(58:56) Alien race: “Jizzitars.”
(59:14) Audience member:

“How long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot?”
All agree: about 100 minutes in, if at all.

Memorable Quotes

(04:24) “It ended after, I think, about a four hour runtime, and I was confounded.” —Jason Mantzoukas
(06:36) “I feel so sick. I just finished this film in an abandoned parking lot... I hated this movie and I hate you guys.” —Jessica St. Clair
(09:04) “The slime ratio is very high.” —Jessica St. Clair
(10:16) “If I was in an Indian restaurant [with] this playing... that looks cool.” —Paul Scheer
(15:00) “The middle hour and 40 minutes was irrelevant… this movie resets itself every 15 minutes into a different place and movie” —Jason Mantzoukas
(19:25) “Every scene of this movie was shot in one take or less.” —Doug Benson
(22:21) “The more we talk about it, it sounds like you guys are so hoping and wishing that that is a possibility [sex tapes as files] either now or in the future.” —Jessica St. Clair
(37:17) “It’s very vignette. Each piece is its own little piece. And so some work, some didn’t.” —Jason Mantzoukas
(40:00) “Rihanna, MVP of this movie.” —Paul Scheer
(42:27) “This movie was originally supposed to be in French.” —Paul Scheer
(44:11) When the film bombed, “the company that made the film, their stock dropped by 40% and the CEO immediately stepped down.” —Paul Sheer

Five-Star Amazon Review Section (“Second Opinions”)

(63:25) “To trash Valerian is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay… A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That’s Valerian.” —Read by Paul
(68:51) “The metaphor of ‘we poop what we eat’ being made cinematically explicit is profound.” —Paul, quoting an Amazon reviewer

Final Thoughts & Recommendations

Would They Recommend It?

(70:34) Jason Mantzoukas:

“If it’s on TV, watch it until you’re like, I don’t care for this anymore… I wouldn’t say rush out and buy it, but… if it was on, like… the USA network, sure.”
(71:27) Paul:

“The movie… you can tell it’s completely CGI… it just looks great. I just wish there was different actors and plot.”
(71:52) Jessica:

“If you have dreams of having sex with an alien… if you have a fetish for getting covered in jelly or slime, this would be something… Otherwise, I think it’s a pass.”
(73:52) Doug Benson:

“It’s a great coffee table movie… visuals are really good. But… the monsters feel like we’ve seen them before.” “Seek out [the] Rihanna scene… she keeps changing outfits, different sexy outfits and it’s pretty entertaining.”

Notable Moments & Segments

Rihanna’s performance: Unanimously praised as the high point. (40:08–41:19, 74:20–74:29)
Pearl people and the Mü converter: Frequent targets for metaphor and plot confusion jokes. (24:26, 51:08, 68:51)
Jizz guns and persistent slime: Ongoing running gags. (40:00 onward)
Plotless vignettes: Criticism of disconnected set pieces, notably the "Big Market" sequence and the fashion show. (31:52, 41:19)
Live audience Q&A: Alien-name improv, deep-cut lore questions, and math-problem jokes. (48:35 onward)
Second Opinions: Amazon reviews as comedic fodder. (62:47–69:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

[02:52] — Movie rundown and initial impressions
[06:36] — Jessica St. Clair's review of her viewing experience
[10:16] — Discussion of visuals and theatrical experiences
[14:26] — The film's exposition-heavy storytelling
[18:28] — Chemistry issues between leads
[23:17] — Focus-grouped sci-fi tropes
[31:52] — Analysis of “Big Market” sequence
[35:01] — Skewering the dialogue and banter
[40:00] — Rihanna's standout performance
[44:11] — Production, box office, and financial fallout
[48:35] — Live audience questions
[62:47] — Second Opinions (wild positive Amazon reviews)
[70:34] — Final recommendations

Conclusion

Recommended to:

Fans of wild, overstuffed sci-fi;
People who want a visual spectacle regardless of plot;
Viewers who really, really like Rihanna or getting slimed.

Skip if: You want memorable characters, coherent storytelling, or chemistry between your leads.

“Valerian, the movie that dared to ask: what if Avatar was about pearls, amnesia, and violent alien diarrhea?”

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)

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Summary

How Did This Get Made? — "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" (w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson)

Episode Overview

Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. Initial Impressions and Set-Up

2. Guest Introductions and Movie Vibes

3. The Look, the Plot, and the Slime

4. Nonsensical Structure and Vapid Exposition

5. Chemistry (or Lack Thereof) and Casting Choices

6. Random World-Building and Shallow Homages

7. Technical and Visual Aspects

8. More on Character Arcs and Stakes

9. Notable Cameos — and the Rihanna MVP Segment

10. Production, Box Office, and French Oddities

Audience Q&A Highlights

Memorable Quotes

Five-Star Amazon Review Section (“Second Opinions”)

Final Thoughts & Recommendations

Would They Recommend It?

Notable Moments & Segments

Timestamps for Key Segments

Conclusion

Summary

How Did This Get Made? — "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" (w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson)

Episode Overview

Main Discussion & Key Insights

1. Initial Impressions and Set-Up

2. Guest Introductions and Movie Vibes

3. The Look, the Plot, and the Slime

4. Nonsensical Structure and Vapid Exposition

5. Chemistry (or Lack Thereof) and Casting Choices

6. Random World-Building and Shallow Homages

7. Technical and Visual Aspects

8. More on Character Arcs and Stakes

9. Notable Cameos — and the Rihanna MVP Segment

10. Production, Box Office, and French Oddities

Audience Q&A Highlights

Memorable Quotes

Five-Star Amazon Review Section (“Second Opinions”)

Final Thoughts & Recommendations

Would They Recommend It?

Notable Moments & Segments

Timestamps for Key Segments

Conclusion