Episode Summary: "How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life" (w/ Lori Gottlieb)

Podcast: How to Be a Better Human
Host: Chris Duffy
Guest: Lori Gottlieb
Release Date: January 6, 2025

In this compelling episode of How to Be a Better Human, host Chris Duffy engages in a profound conversation with renowned therapist and author Lori Gottlieb. The discussion delves into the transformative power of narrative in shaping our lives, the dynamics of therapy, and practical insights on fostering meaningful change.

1. Unreliable Narrators: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Lori Gottlieb introduces the concept of being "unreliable narrators" of our own lives, emphasizing that while our stories are true from our perspectives, they often lack objectivity.

Lori Gottlieb [01:29]: "We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. I am, you are, and so is everyone."

This idea underscores how our personal narratives can both empower and hinder us. By recognizing the subjectivity in our stories, we open the door to rewriting them for personal growth.

2. Idiot Compassion vs. Wise Compassion

Lori differentiates between two types of compassion commonly encountered in our relationships:

• Idiot Compassion: The kind of support friends offer by affirming our versions of events without deeper understanding.

  Lori Gottlieb [07:35]: "Idiot compassion is what we do with our friends... It was the accurate story from my perspective, but it wasn't the whole story."

• Wise Compassion: The therapeutic approach that involves holding up a mirror to an individual's behavior, fostering self-awareness and responsibility without blame.

  Lori Gottlieb [09:10]: "Wise compassion is where we hold up a mirror to you and we help you to see something that you are willing or able to acknowledge about your own role in the situation."

This distinction highlights the depth and challenge of true empathetic engagement versus surface-level support.

3. Relationships as a Dance

Drawing an analogy between relationships and dance, Lori explains that while we can't change others, we can alter our own "dance steps" to influence the dynamic.

Lori Gottlieb [09:36]: "How can I change this other person? It's how can I do something different."

This perspective encourages proactive personal change as a pathway to healthier interactions, emphasizing that our actions can inspire reciprocal adjustments from others.

4. The Complexity of Change and Maintenance

Change is portrayed as a multifaceted process that inherently involves loss, even when positive. Lori outlines the stages of change:

1. Pre-Contemplation: Unaware of the need for change.
2. Contemplation: Acknowledging the desire to change but not ready to act.
3. Preparation: Making concrete plans to initiate change.
4. Action: Implementing the change.
5. Maintenance: Sustaining the change over time.

Lori Gottlieb [19:13]: "Even when the change is positive, it still comes with loss because we tend to cling to the familiar."

She emphasizes the importance of self-compassion during maintenance, advocating for kindness towards oneself during setbacks.

Lori Gottlieb [24:03]: "We should always be kind and true and useful, not just with ourselves, but with other people."

5. Self-Compassion and Internal Dialogue

Lori discusses the detrimental effects of self-criticism and the importance of cultivating a compassionate inner voice.

Lori Gottlieb [23:25]: "Whose voice is that? Usually it's not your voice."

By identifying and challenging the critical voices within, individuals can rewrite their internal narratives to reflect kindness and truth, fostering healthier self-perception.

6. Understanding Difficult Clients: The Case of John

Lori shares her experience with a challenging client named John, whose abrasive behavior masked deeper fears of intimacy and vulnerability.

Lori Gottlieb [24:35]: "What this person is actually terrified of is getting close to people so that they don't get hurt."

Through therapy, Lori uncovers the underlying fears driving John's actions, transforming her initial frustration into empathy.

Lori Gottlieb [26:15]: "He is actually terrified."

7. The Rewards of Being a Therapist

Contrary to the misconception that therapy is a bleak profession, Lori describes it as deeply inspiring. She expresses admiration for clients' courage in making difficult changes and highlights the purposeful nature of helping others navigate their narratives.

Lori Gottlieb [27:54]: "I think it's the most inspiring, hopefully full profession."

8. Practical Advice on Starting Therapy

Lori offers actionable steps for listeners considering therapy:

1. Finding the Right Therapist:

   • The success of therapy hinges more on the personal connection with the therapist than on their credentials.

     Lori Gottlieb [29:28]: "The most important factor in the success of your therapy is your relationship with your therapist."

2. Initial Interactions:

   • After the first session, assess whether you felt understood and whether the therapist provided new perspectives.

     Lori Gottlieb [29:28]: "Did I feel understood? Did this person say something that made me think about something potentially in a new way?"

3. Multiple Sessions:

   • Compare different therapists through initial consultations to find the best fit, embracing the idea that it's acceptable to seek multiple opinions before committing.

     Lori Gottlieb [35:30]: "It's not a weird thing. It's a consultation for both people."

4. Ending Therapy:

   • Recognize that ending therapy is a success, signifying personal growth and readiness to apply learned skills independently.

     Lori Gottlieb [38:16]: "Our goal is to put ourselves out of business."

9. Breaking Cultural Stigmas Around Therapy

Lori addresses the societal barriers that discourage men from seeking therapy, highlighting the cultural stigmas that equate vulnerability with weakness.

Lori Gottlieb [35:07]: "Our culture has such stigma around men being vulnerable."

She advocates for challenging these norms to allow more individuals to benefit from therapeutic support without shame.

10. Final Thoughts: Embracing Agency and Change

Lori reiterates the significance of personal agency in shaping one's life narrative, emphasizing that acknowledging and altering our stories can lead to profound personal transformation.

Lori Gottlieb [12:12]: "There is a way of abdicating responsibility for our own lives."

This empowerment is central to the episode's message, encouraging listeners to take active roles in rewriting their narratives for a better, more fulfilling life.

Conclusion

In this insightful episode, Chris Duffy and Lori Gottlieb explore the intricate relationship between our personal stories and our ability to change. Through understanding the unreliability of our narratives, differentiating types of compassion, and embracing the challenges of personal transformation, listeners are equipped with the knowledge to become better humans. Lori's blend of professional expertise and relatable anecdotes provides a roadmap for anyone looking to redefine their life story and embrace meaningful change.