Podcast Summary: "How do you stop caring what others think? A filmmaker and a therapist answer"

Podcast: How to Be a Better Human (on TED Talks Daily)
Host: Elise Hu (TED Talks Daily), with guests Baron Ryan (filmmaker) and Stephanie R. Yates Anjabwile (family therapist)
Release Date: October 20, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of TED's "How to Be a Better Human" features an in-depth, unscripted conversation between internet filmmaker Baron Ryan and marriage and family therapist Stephanie R. Yates Anjabwile. They tackle the perennial challenge of people pleasing, unpack why so many of us care deeply about others’ opinions, and share strategies for reclaiming personal agency, setting boundaries, and building self-acceptance. The discussion is candid, insightful, and offers both relatable anecdotes and actionable reflections for listeners struggling with caring "too much" about what others think.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. People Pleasing and Personal Experience

• How it Shows Up
  • Stephanie describes the slow realization that she was a people pleaser, especially with people whose approval she valued:

    “I started realizing that when certain people would ask me for things... even if it was something I was dreading for weeks beforehand, I wouldn't say no, just because I think I was afraid that if a specific person saw me as difficult, then that's true.” – Stephanie (05:13)

  • Baron candidly admits his continued struggle:

    “I think I still am a people pleaser... I think I just see the solution. I see the light, and I don't know how to get to it.” – Baron (06:28-06:35)

• Self-Awareness is Not a Cure
  • Both agree that recognizing the issue doesn’t automatically solve it, as shown in Baron’s Uber anecdote about being too cold but not speaking up (07:19-07:28).

2. Root Causes: Safety, Upbringing, and Trauma

• Family Dynamics & Birth Order
  • Baron: Youngest children often become people pleasers by default, always “giving in” (10:23-10:33).
  • Stephanie: As the oldest, she internalized high expectations and a need for external approval, especially paternal (13:29-13:55).
• Fear of Rejection
  • Stephanie points out that people pleasing is often about avoiding the “humiliation of hearing no,” preferring to not risk rejection (10:44-11:22).

3. Resilience Over Avoidance

• Taking Risks in Expression
  • Baron reframes people pleasing as a resilience challenge:

    “It's about resilience as opposed to shelling up and never opening up... it's about opening up and if you get hurt you get back up instead of just never trying or never coming out of your shell.” – Baron (09:28-09:55)

• Therapist’s Perspective
  • Stephanie sees value in small steps: practicing honesty with close friends/family before extending it to strangers (07:28-08:40).

4. The Weight of Others’ Opinions

• Sugar Metaphor for Compliments and Criticism
  • Baron likens others’ opinions to sugar:

    “I always saw opinions, comments, likes, anything on social media, even as sugar... I know in my mind not to take too much compliments, not to take too much praise.” – Baron (12:29-12:50)

• Family Approval Still Matters
  • Stephanie openly admits:

    “I've always cared way too much what people think... sometimes I just reflect on [my grandmother’s words]: ‘they're just people.’ Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.” – Stephanie (13:29-14:15)

5. Comparison, Social Media, and ‘Relationship Imposter Syndrome’

• Comparison Trap
  • Baron observes how online comment sections are rarely representative and more a vocal minority (16:21-17:02).
• Imposter Syndrome in Relationships
  • Baron wonders if the pressure to conform to relationship norms is a form of “relationship imposter syndrome.”
  • Stephanie draws a distinction but notes how relationship templates can distort authenticity:

    “We have clear trajectories of how relationships are supposed to develop... sometimes we don't stop enough to ask ourselves, why am I doing this?” – Stephanie (22:05-23:06)

  • She advocates for ongoing communication and negotiation, instead of rigidly following societal models (23:45-24:59).

6. Authenticity and the Limits of Radical Honesty

• Sharing an Idea for a Short Film
  • Baron pitches a film concept where couples must take an infallible lie detector test before marriage, asking questions no one wants answered—raising the question of whether relationships need “a little bit of fantasy” to function (28:05-29:38).
  • Stephanie suggests leaving the ending up to the viewer, highlighting the ambiguity and personalization of relationships.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Admitting People Pleasing

  "I think you'll see it. There's no solutions. I think I just see the solution. I see the light, and I don't know how to get to it." — Baron (06:32)

• On Family and Approval

  “My dad was kind of given this... hero role... sometimes seeing that moment of pride or knowing I'm working on a project that he really cares about, that means everything to me.” — Stephanie (17:52-18:30)

• On Social Media Feedback

  “The comment section is a demographic. It's a type of viewer. It's not your overall audience, though.” — Baron (16:39)

• On Rejection

  “You people please to avoid the humiliation of hearing no or asking for what you need and a person basically telling you you're not important enough for that accommodation.” — Stephanie (10:44)

• On Resilience and Vulnerability

  "It's about opening up and if you get hurt, you get back up instead of just never trying or never coming out of your shell." — Baron (09:28)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• People pleasing & personal stories: 04:18 – 08:40
• Family dynamics and approval: 10:23 – 13:29
• Social media, opinions, and “sugar” analogy: 12:29 – 13:29
• Comparison traps and comment section analysis: 16:21 – 17:37
• Parental approval and emotional impact: 17:44 – 21:42
• Relationship expectations, imposter syndrome discussion: 21:50 – 24:59
• Short film pitch: fantasy vs. honesty in relationships: 28:05 – 29:54

Key Takeaways & Tone

• Warm, Honest, and Relatable: The mood is candid, compassionate, and often humorous as both guests share their vulnerabilities and quirks.
• Self-Compassion and Boundaries: Change starts with admitting to ourselves what we struggle with and taking small, safe steps toward self-expression.
• Comparison is Natural, but Risky: Social, familial, and online pressures can trick us into chasing external approval, at the expense of our true needs or happiness.
• Learning is Ongoing: There’s no “magic fix” to stop caring what others think, but ongoing awareness, boundary-setting, and resilience are key.
• Relationships Need Realism—Not Just Fantasy or Radical Honesty: Authenticity is important, but sometimes relationships do require a little “fantasy” or mystery to thrive.

Closing

This episode provides a nuanced look at people pleasing, the underlying need for approval, and practical ways to foster resilience and authenticity. The rapport between Baron and Stephanie, their laughter, and willingness to probe uncomfortable topics make it a valuable listen for anyone grappling with the desire to “be liked” or struggling to set boundaries with loved ones.