Podcast Summary: “How to Find True Love”

Podcast: How to Be a Better Human (TED)
Host: Chris Duffy
Guest: Francesca Hoagie (Author, Love Coach, former Survivor competitor)
Date: February 9, 2026
Location: Recorded live at the 2025 TED Conference, Vancouver

Episode Overview

This episode explores the myths and realities of romantic love with guest Francesca Hoagie, author of How to Find True Love. Hoagie draws from her experience as a love coach and matchmaker, offering practical advice on finding genuine love by focusing inward, challenging cultural narratives, and evolving personal mindsets. The conversation unpacks why much of what we're told about love by society is misleading, and provides a roadmap for building healthier, more authentic romantic lives.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Fairy Tale Myth & The “Happily Ever After” Problem

• Francesca’s TED Talk Clip (00:53–02:53):
  Francesca criticizes the “fairy tale industrial complex” for selling love as a fantasy and tying worthiness to being chosen by a socially “perfect” partner.

  "The fairy tale industrial complex has been lying to you... Instead of making us feel that love is an abundant, infinitely renewable resource inside of us, which it is, it tries to convince us that love is external and scarce."
  — Francesca Hoagie (01:37)

• She urges a shift toward self-love and making romantic decisions that align with authentic values, not consumerist ideals.

2. The Purpose of Love

• Big Philosophical Question (03:22–04:14):
  Francesca sees life as a continuous journey to become more loving—toward ourselves and others.

  "The ultimate purpose of our lives is to learn to be more loving... to ourselves, to other people."
  — Francesca Hoagie (03:37)

3. “True Love is an Inside Job”

• Origins in Matchmaking (04:20–06:06):
  Francesca describes how working as a matchmaker revealed to her that the key to love isn't external (the “right” partner) but internal—our beliefs, self-perceptions, and emotional readiness.

4. Re-examining the “List” of Desired Partner Traits

• Where Do Preferences Come From? (06:06–10:04):
  Francesca encourages examining our criteria for potential partners, distinguishing “heart’s desires” from socially conditioned expectations.

  • She discusses the importance of prioritizing true relational needs (support, respect, shared values) over proxies like income or education.

  "That list could be... a thousand things. That's fine. But first of all, you need to prioritize, because that's not a human, that's a unicorn."
  — Francesca Hoagie (06:50)

5. Rethinking Dating Standards

• Surface vs. Substance (10:04–11:41):
  The conversation highlights how people often settle for poor treatment while demanding superficial attributes, largely due to social conditioning.

  "It's not like, 'Oh, this person's a catch because they're so respectful and they treat me so well.' It's like, 'Oh, this person's a catch because they have this kind of job, they look this certain way, they have these certain credentials.' And so it's time for us to move past that."
  — Francesca Hoagie (11:06)

6. Overcoming Harmful Cultural Narratives

• Desirability and Society’s Messages (11:41–14:26):
  Francesca addresses harmful stereotypes (specifically about Black women) and the broader issue of dating apps encouraging people to maximize appeal for mass consumption rather than authentic connection.

  • She advocates for “decolonizing your mind” from these narratives.

• Notable Quote:

  "If there's somebody who doesn't want to be with me because I'm a black woman, like, please take yourself out of the running... It's much more productive to focus on the people who do want you."
  — Francesca Hoagie (12:52)

7. Lead With Your “Weirdness”

• Filtering for True Compatibility (14:26–16:09):
  Francesca recounts using her own quirks up-front on dating apps as a “weeding out process,” encouraging everyone to unapologetically show up as themselves.

• Host’s Affirmation:
  “I love that.”
  — Chris Duffy (16:09)

8. Practical Steps for Changing Beliefs

• Four Steps to Finding True Love (16:35–18:53):
  • 1. Change your love mindset
  • 2. Improve your ‘heartset’ (emotional state/self-esteem)
  • 3. Develop your ‘soulset’ (higher sense of love/possibility)
  • 4. Align your dating skills with authentic love

9. “Soulset,” Manifestation, and Romantic Agency

• Soulset Without Blame (18:53–23:36):
  Francesca clarifies that being open to love isn’t about blaming people for not attracting love, but about recognizing and shifting limiting patterns.

  "Manifesting is not about being perfect... we have more romantic agency than we might think."
  — Francesca Hoagie (23:23)

• Host’s Bagel Metaphor (22:33):
  Chris hilariously compares dating patterns to asking for “food” outside a bagel shop and receiving only bagels; sometimes, changing approach is key.

10. Love as a Learnable Skill

• Citing bell hooks (25:02–26:44):
  Francesca draws on bell hooks’ work, emphasizing that most people are “unskilled at love” because it’s portrayed as a feeling, not a practice.

• Quote:

  "We're very focused in our culture on love as an emotion... we are not as generally focused on love as a verb, as an action, as a choice that we make."
  — Francesca Hoagie (25:30)

11. Gender, Men, and Masculinity

• Dating & Emotional Literacy (26:44–33:52):
  Francesca and Chris discuss how patriarchal norms limit men’s ability to connect emotionally, noting slow but promising cultural shifts.

  "Toxic masculinity and patriarchy doesn't just harm women, it harms men... There are more men who have less skill at love and relationships than women do."
  — Francesca Hoagie (27:45)

  "Despite societal conditioning, men want love as much as women do."
  — Francesca Hoagie (33:52)

12. Self-Love: Not Just Slogans

• Toward Actionable Self-Love (34:09–34:58):
  Francesca rejects “just love yourself” platitudes and recommends actionable practices (detailed in her book), making self-worth a skill to develop.

13. The “One” and Soulmates – Myth vs. Reality

• Multiple Soulmates (34:58–36:02):
  Francesca debunks the idea of “the one,” suggesting a more abundant, less restrictive approach: there are many potential soulmates.

  "Soulmates come in lots of shapes and sizes. We have multiple soulmates in our lives, and some of those are romantic and some are not."
  — Francesca Hoagie (35:12)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That list could be... a thousand things. That's fine. But first of all, you need to prioritize, because that's not a human, that's a unicorn.”
  (Francesca Hoagie, 06:50)

• “You don't want to date everybody. Why do you want everybody to date you?”
  (Francesca Hoagie, 13:17)

• “If you're not down with me being a weirdo, like, there's no point.”
  (Francesca Hoagie, reflecting on dating apps, 15:39)

• “We have more romantic agency than we might think.”
  (Francesca Hoagie, 23:23)

• Chris’s Bagel Story:
  “I'm out here looking for some sort of food, and I just keep getting handed bagels. And they don't realize that if you moved 100 ft in either direction, you might have more options.”
  (Chris Duffy, 23:36)

• On loving oneself:
  "I used to hate when people would say to me, 'Oh, you need to love yourself more.' What does that mean? Am I supposed to just wake up and be like, 'Oh my god, I'm amazing'? Like, look in the mirror, 'Oh my god, you're amazing.' Like, that's not helpful."
  (Francesca Hoagie, 34:09)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:53–02:53: Francesca’s TED Talk Clip: Critique of the “fairy tale” approach to love
• 03:22–04:14: Purpose of love and the concept of a lifelong love journey
• 06:06–10:04: Examining romantic “lists,” preferences vs. true desires
• 11:41–14:26: Challenging narratives about desirability and focusing on self-worth
• 14:26–16:09: Embracing individuality in dating
• 16:35–18:53: Four steps to finding love: Mindset, Heartset, Soulset, Skillset
• 18:53–23:36: Agency in romantic patterns, “manifestation” explained, and pattern-breaking
• 25:02–26:44: Love as a skill, not just a feeling—insights from bell hooks
• 26:44–33:52: The impact of gender roles and masculinity on dating and love
• 34:58–36:02: The myth of “the one” and embracing multiple soulmates

Core Takeaways

• Love starts within: True love is cultivated through self-awareness, self-love, and identifying your authentic needs—not by finding a “perfect” external match.
• Challenge societal scripts: Examine where your beliefs about desirability and relationships come from; deconstruct harmful or limiting narratives.
• Focus on values: Prioritize mutual respect, safety, support, and kindness in relationships over superficial traits or societal “eligibility.”
• Dating is a skill: Like any life domain, successful relationships require learning, practice, and intentional growth.
• There is no single soulmate: A more abundant and inclusive view of love opens up richer romantic possibilities.

For Listeners:

Even if you've never listened to the episode, this summary unpacks how to rethink what “finding true love” means. Francesca Hoagie’s insights challenge the fairy tales we’re told and lay out a compassionate, practical, and empowering path to love—whether you’re single, coupled, or somewhere in-between.