Podcast Title: How to Be a Better Human
Episode: How to Have a Better Romantic Relationship (w/ Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile)
Host: Chris Duffy
Guest: Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Release Date: May 5, 2025

Introduction

In this insightful episode of How to Be a Better Human, host Chris Duffy engages in a profound conversation with Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile, a seasoned licensed marriage and family therapist. Together, they explore the intricate dynamics of romantic relationships, delving into how societal expectations and personal experiences shape our connections with our partners. The discussion aims to provide listeners with actionable insights to foster deeper love, happiness, and meaningful connections in their romantic lives.

The Influence of Societal Expectations on Relationships

Dr. Yates-Anyabwile begins by addressing the common issue of individuals comparing their relationships to societal norms and idealized templates. She explains how these comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment when personal relationships don't align with these preconceived notions.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [02:43]: "Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short."

Drawing from her TED Talk, she emphasizes the importance of recognizing and rejecting arbitrary timelines and structures imposed by society. Instead, she advocates for defining what a healthy and functional relationship looks like for the individuals involved.

Personal Experiences and Redefining Relationship Structures

Stephanie shares her personal journey of questioning traditional family structures, influenced by her upbringing in a conventional family setting. She recounts early memories that highlight her inquisitive nature and her discomfort with non-traditional family dynamics.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [05:53]: "As I got older and witnessed and experienced different types of structures for families and relationships, the people who were choosing to do their own thing were the people that I found to be the happiest. And I see the same in my work."

She underscores that longevity and happiness in relationships often stem from the partners' ability to customize their relationship structures to fit their unique needs rather than adhering strictly to societal expectations.

Performance vs. Reality in Relationships

A significant portion of the discussion centers around the concept of performing relationships versus living them authentically. Dr. Yates-Anyabwile discusses how social media and societal pressures exacerbate the tendency to showcase an idealized version of one's relationship, often masking underlying issues.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [10:51]: "We used to, if we had to perform in our relationships, you're performing for your community, maybe your church, maybe the people at your job. Now we're performing on a really large scale."

She highlights the detrimental effects of this performative aspect, such as the inability to handle conflicts openly, leading to unresolved tensions that can erode the relationship over time.

Navigating Relationship Transitions

Transition periods, such as becoming parents, relocating, or other significant life changes, pose substantial challenges to romantic relationships. Dr. Yates-Anyabwile provides strategies for couples to navigate these transitions effectively.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [20:12]: "Checking in with each other, being really honest about how you're feeling with the current structure of your relationship, of your life, that naturally opens the door for conversations about what we could be doing differently."

She emphasizes the importance of ongoing communication and experimentation, encouraging couples to view changes as opportunities to redefine their relationship dynamics collaboratively.

The Role of Communication and Couples Therapy

Effective communication is pivotal in maintaining a healthy relationship. Dr. Yates-Anyabwile advocates for seeking professional help when necessary and provides guidance on how to approach the idea of couples therapy constructively.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [34:29]: "Focus on the positives and to focus on your goal of, like, thriving in your relationship."

She advises couples to approach therapy with a growth mindset, viewing it as a tool for enhancing their relationship rather than as a fix for existing problems. This perspective fosters a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.

Customizing Relationship Templates

While societal templates can provide a starting point, Dr. Yates-Anyabwile encourages couples to customize these frameworks to better suit their individual needs and circumstances.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [16:08]: "It's not about totally invalidating the template. It's about allowing yourself to customize when needed."

She likens this process to personalizing a car, where minor adjustments can make a significant difference in satisfaction and happiness within the relationship.

Understanding and Managing Silence in Relationships

Silence can carry different meanings depending on individual backgrounds and personal experiences. Dr. Yates-Anyabwile explores how silence can be interpreted as either discomfort or contentment and the importance of aligning these interpretations between partners.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [31:47]: "Most of the time, it is our history, our past, a lot of times trauma that influences the way we experience a situation."

She recommends couples therapy as a safe space to unpack these underlying issues and develop a mutual understanding of each other's communication styles.

Encouraging Experimentation and Flexibility

Experimentation within a relationship can lead to discovering what truly works for both partners. Dr. Yates-Anyabwile advises viewing changes as experiments rather than final solutions, allowing couples to adjust and iterate based on their experiences.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [27:47]: "If you're open to seeing if this can improve what has felt like a dysfunctional dynamic, I think that's still. That's still healthy."

This approach reduces the fear associated with trying new dynamics, positioning changes as collaborative efforts to enhance the relationship.

Advice for Couples Considering Therapy

For couples contemplating therapy, Dr. Yates-Anyabwile offers practical advice on initiating the conversation and setting the right intentions.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [37:05]: "Focus on the positives and to focus on your goal of, like, thriving in your relationship."

She emphasizes the importance of expressing a genuine investment in the relationship's growth and framing therapy as a proactive step towards mutual improvement.

Analyzing Relationship Dynamics in Media

Dr. Yates-Anyabwile shares her interest in dissecting relationship dynamics in popular TV shows and movies. She highlights how these portrayals can offer valuable lessons, even if they are dramatized for entertainment purposes.

Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [41:16]: "There are lessons to be found for the couple, the people who are there and really looking for something serious."

By analyzing these narratives, she gains insights that inform her practice and helps her clients navigate their own relationship challenges.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

The episode concludes with a heartfelt exchange between Chris Duffy and Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile, reinforcing the episode's key messages:

1. Reject Arbitrary Timelines: Define relationship milestones that align with your unique journey rather than societal expectations.
2. Embrace Authenticity: Focus on genuinely living your relationship rather than performing it for others.
3. Communicate Openly: Maintain ongoing, honest communication to navigate transitions and misunderstandings effectively.
4. Customize Your Relationship: Tailor your relationship structure to fit both partners' needs and circumstances.
5. Seek Professional Help: Utilize couples therapy as a tool for growth and improvement rather than a last resort.

Dr. Yates-Anyabwile's expert insights provide listeners with a nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics, empowering them to cultivate healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [02:43]: "Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short."

• Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [10:51]: "We used to, if we had to perform in our relationships, you're performing for your community, maybe your church, maybe the people at your job. Now we're performing on a really large scale."

• Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [20:12]: "Checking in with each other, being really honest about how you're feeling with the current structure of your relationship, of your life, that naturally opens the door for conversations about what we could be doing differently."

• Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [34:29]: "Focus on the positives and to focus on your goal of, like, thriving in your relationship."

• Dr. Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile [31:47]: "Most of the time, it is our history, our past, a lot of times trauma that influences the way we experience a situation."

Additional Resources:

• Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile’s YouTube and Social Media: For more insights and relationship advice, listeners can explore Stephanie’s extensive content on various platforms.
• @whatsanyamind.com: Stephanie’s personal website for additional resources and contact information.

Credits:

This episode was produced by a dedicated team from TED’s side and PRX, with fact-checking by Julia Dickerson and Mattea Salas. Special thanks to all team members for their contributions to creating an engaging and informative episode.

Connect with the Podcast:

• Instagram: Folly Chris @chrisiduffy
• Website: chrisduffycomedy.com
• Newsletter and Other Projects: Available through Chris Duffy’s comedy website.

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