Podcast Summary: How to Love Your Complicated Family (w/ Ashley C. Ford)

Podcast: How to Be a Better Human
Host: Chris Duffy (TED)
Guest: Ashley C. Ford, author of Somebody’s Daughter
Release Date: August 18, 2025

Overview

In this engaging and heartfelt episode, Chris Duffy interviews author and podcaster Ashley C. Ford about the complexities of loving family, the challenging process of writing about one’s own life, and the truth and nuance required to tell one’s story. Ashley shares insights from her bestselling memoir Somebody’s Daughter, which draws on her experiences growing up with a father incarcerated, navigating familial trauma, and the lifelong work of forgiveness, honesty, and creativity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Power and Process of Memory in Memoir Writing

• Memory as Lens (09:00)
  • Ashley explains that memoir is fundamentally about the way individuals remember and interpret their lives: “Memoir for me is about what we remember, right? At its core, it’s about what does this individual person remember about their lives? What is the lens that they filter that memory through? How do you choose to share that memory?” (Ashley C. Ford, 09:00)
• Vision Influences Memory (09:50)
  • Ashley’s poor eyesight as a child led her to develop a vivid memory, focusing on colors, voices, and sensations. She describes how this shaped her remembrance: "My memory tends to lock down. I can remember things vividly...the pitch of their voices, the pitch of the voices behind their voices..." (Ashley C. Ford, 09:12)
• Intentional Memory Creation (13:45)
  • As a child, Ashley would consciously “make” memories to anchor herself and her values through adulthood, particularly during confusing or painful times.

Writing About Family and Difficult Truths

• Honoring the Child Self (31:03)

  • Ashley reflects on a pivotal conversation with her father from the book:
    “When you write about you and me, just tell the truth, your truth. Don’t worry about nobody’s feelings, especially not mine. You got to be tough to tell your truth, but it’s the only thing worth doing next to loving somebody.”
    (Ashley’s father, quoted by Chris Duffy, 30:30)
  • She emphasizes the importance of honoring her childhood perspective: “My story was mine and I had to be able to respect and honor the voice of my child self enough to let her speak...” (Ashley C. Ford, 31:03)

• Silence vs Love (41:17)

  • Ashley counters the belief that keeping quiet about pain is necessary for love, stating:
    “Silence is not an equitable trade for love. People who need you to be silent...are not people who are loving you very well in that request.”
    (Ashley C. Ford, 41:17)

Navigating Complexity: Humor, Joy, and Pain

• Humor as Survival (22:25)

  • Despite her serious subject matter, Ashley shares the essential role humor has played in her life and relationships:
    “There is no version of funny Ashley who didn’t go through the things that I’ve been through. There’s no version of serious Ashley who doesn’t know how to make a joke.”
    (Ashley C. Ford, 22:25)
  • She discusses being both “the jokester” and someone who deeply moves people, seeing the two aspects as intertwined.

• Complicated Laughter (37:38)

  • Ashley describes moments of “complicated laugh”—where laughter, fear, and absurdity coexist:
    "Complicated laughs are the story of my life...There was a lot of anger in my house, and there was a lot of fear ... but there was also a lot of laughter. And those existed within moments of each other."
    (Ashley C. Ford, 37:38)

Values and Advice for Writing Nonfiction

• On Writing vs. Publishing (41:17)

  • Ashley reassures aspiring memoirists: “Writing and publishing are not the same thing...There’s nothing that says, because you write something, you have to give it to anyone.”

• Love & Care Defined (42:47)

  • Her approach to love:
    “My personal definition of love and care is extending kindness and compassion first and freely and trusting that the accountability I hold the people I love to is mutual.”
    (Ashley C. Ford, 42:47)

• Forgiveness and Acceptance (43:43)

  • On forgiving her father:
    “My love for my dad never went away...Forgiveness for me was giving up on the idea that it was going to be different. This is our life now. This is reality. This is what’s true. Let’s start from here, and that’s a decision that a person can make.”
    (Ashley C. Ford, 43:43)

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Honoring Past Selves:
  “I like to respect and honor past versions of me by sharing things the way they remember them.”
  (Ashley C. Ford, 12:56)

• On Hiding and Returning to Self:
  “I know that I’m hiding from myself when I can’t take silence...I have to do the hard work of coming back into the light.”
  (Ashley C. Ford, 27:55)

• Libraries as Liberation:
  “The library felt too good to be true. All those books on all those shelves, and I could just pluck them out one by one...For the rest of my life, I would seek out the library the way some search for the soft light of a chapel in the dark.”
  (Ashley C. Ford, quoted by Chris Duffy, 32:30)

• Reality and Acceptance:
  “In black households...there is a greater, not just reverence for the absurd and humor, but also for reality. There is a lot of acceptance of reality that must happen for reasons of survival.”
  (Ashley C. Ford, 39:12)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Processing Life Through Writing & Journaling: 01:26 – 03:24
• Ashley Reads from Somebody’s Daughter (Mother Relationship): 03:24 – 05:20
• How Memory Works for Ashley: 09:00 – 13:45
• Making Memories and Childhood Agency: 15:28 – 19:03
• Humor Through Hardship: 22:25 – 25:56
• On Honesty and Exhaustion vs. Bravery: 25:56 – 27:55
• Advice for Aspiring Memoirists: 41:17 – 42:43
• On Forgiveness and Reality: 43:43 – 45:24

Notable Takeaways

• Writing your truth is an act of both courage and exhaustion—sometimes it’s an inability to keep pretending, rather than a heroic act of bravery.
• Complicated families are navigated with honesty, humor, and acceptance of reality—absurdity and pain can coexist, and it’s okay for laughter to follow fear.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing reality or pretending harm didn’t occur; it’s about moving forward from a place of truth.
• Storytelling, especially personal narrative, is first for the writer—publishing and sharing are separate, and vulnerability can be decided later.
• Love and care entail accountability, honesty, and holding space for each other’s complexities without inflicting harm.

Ashley C. Ford: “Until you can be honest and start to create, you don’t move. And stagnation to me feels worse than almost anything else.” (27:45)

This episode encourages listeners to honor their stories in all their mess and beauty, and to approach family, memory, and forgiveness with both truthfulness and compassion.