Podcast Title: How to Be a Better Human
Episode: How to Value Friendship (w/ Raina Cohen)
Release Date: May 19, 2025
Host: Chris Duffy
Guest: Raina Cohen, Author of The Other Significant: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center

Introduction: The Value of Friendship

Timestamp: 02:44 - 03:47

Chris Duffy opens the episode by sharing a personal anecdote about his extensive network of close friends, highlighting societal skepticism towards having numerous "best friends." This sets the stage for a deep exploration of friendship's complexity and importance. He introduces Raina Cohen, an award-winning journalist and author, whose book delves into the profound roles friendships play in our lives.

Raina Cohen’s TED Talk Highlight

Timestamp: 03:47 - 05:43

Raina Cohen shares a clip from her TED Talk, emphasizing that friendships can serve as significant support systems akin to romantic relationships. She highlights several real-life examples:

• Natasha and Linda: Canada's first legally recognized platonic co-parents.
• Joe and John: Decades-long friendship where one supported the other through addiction recovery.
• Joy and Hannah: A friendship where Joy cared for Hannah during her battle with ovarian cancer, even enduring sleepless nights at the hospital.

These narratives illustrate how friendships can provide stability, support, and fulfillment traditionally associated with romantic partnerships.

Defining Friendship Fidelity

Timestamp: 06:07 - 07:20

Chris Duffy: "Let's start with what is friendship fidelity and how can that enhance our friendships?"

Raina Cohen: "Fidelity in friendship isn't about exclusivity but about caring in a proactive manner. It's about being there not just in good times but also in bad, anticipating needs, and sticking through conflicts and challenges."

Key Quote:
"It's being both a fair weather friend and a foul weather friend." – Raina Cohen [06:13]

Societal Expectations: Friendships vs. Romantic Relationships

Timestamp: 07:20 - 10:14

Raina discusses how societal norms often place romantic relationships on a pedestal, expecting them to fulfill multiple roles—emotional support, companionship, professional inspiration, etc. In contrast, friendships are frequently undervalued, seen as secondary or “extra” in one’s life.

Key Insights:

• Unspoken Rules: Unlike romantic partnerships, friendships lack a clear template, making them harder to navigate, especially during conflicts.
• Trade-offs: Balancing expectations between romantic and platonic relationships can lead to more fulfilling connections in both areas.

Key Quote:
"We expect so little of friendships that we end up weakening them or not realizing their full potential." – Raina Cohen [10:14]

The Trellis Metaphor: Breaking Norms to Grow

Timestamp: 14:00 - 16:07

Chris reads a profound excerpt from Raina’s book, introducing the "trellis" metaphor.

Key Quote:
"The trellis may be ideally suited to some of us, its use by so many others a source of meaning and its preset structure reassuring. But for those who have doubts or are curious, these friendships can give us the nerve to detach from the trellis and grow towards the light." – Raina Cohen [14:00]

Explanation:

• Trellis: Represents societal expectations and traditional structures of relationships.
• Growth Without Trellis: Encourages individuals to redefine their relationships beyond conventional norms, fostering personal growth and unique connection patterns.

Practical Advice:

• Social Atom Exercise: Drawing a social atom to visualize and assess your relationships, identifying gaps and areas for improvement.

Impact of Writing the Book on Raina’s Perspective

Timestamp: 20:18 - 21:46

Raina discusses how authoring The Other Significant broadened her understanding of what constitutes a friend. She emphasizes that friendships can encompass roles traditionally reserved for family or romantic partners, such as emotional support during crises.

Key Quote:
"Friends can do just about anything a family member or a romantic partner would do. Nothing is categorically excluded from what a friend can do." – Raina Cohen [20:18]

What Makes a Good Friend

Timestamp: 21:46 - 22:29

Chris Duffy: "What makes a really good friend?"

Raina Cohen: "It varies based on individual relationships, but generally, it involves showing care, affection, honest communication, and unwavering support during difficult times."

Key Takeaways:

• Affection and Care: Openly expressing feelings of appreciation.
• Consistency: Remaining present through both joyful and challenging moments.
• Deep Connection: Moving beyond superficial interactions to create meaningful bonds.

The Pain of Losing a Friend

Timestamp: 26:01 - 28:44

Raina delves into the concept of "disenfranchised grief," the unacknowledged sorrow that accompanies the loss of a friend, whether through falling out or death.

Key Insights:

• Lack of Recognition: Society often doesn't recognize the depth of grief from losing a friend.
• Emotional Isolation: Friends experiencing such loss may feel misunderstood and isolated.
• Healing Strategies: Encouraging self-compassion and seeking support without judgment.

Key Quote:
"You are not alone in this. There's a sense of isolation imposed by society not treating this form of grief as legitimate." – Raina Cohen [26:32]

Navigating Political and Ideological Differences in Friendships

Timestamp: 32:24 - 34:16

In an era of heightened social and political divisions, Raina offers strategies to maintain friendships despite differing viewpoints.

Key Strategies:

1. Shared Activities: Engage in neutral activities that build memories without triggering conflicts (e.g., running, creative projects).
2. Curiosity and Open-mindedness: Approach differences with curiosity rather than judgment, viewing them as opportunities to broaden perspectives.
3. Boundaries: Set clear boundaries to prevent political or ideological debates from harming the relationship.

Key Quote:
"Viewing the differences as something that isn’t a liability but a way that you can help sharpen each other's thinking and open your minds." – Raina Cohen [32:46]

Three Tips to Nurture and Strengthen Friendships

Timestamp: 34:16 - 39:09

1. Establish Routines:

• Create regular, structured interactions (e.g., weekly runs, monthly dinners) to maintain consistent connection.

2. Redefine Importance of Friendship:

• Treat friendships as central, not secondary, by prioritizing time and energy towards them.
• Example: Considering friends when deciding where to live to facilitate closer proximity and spontaneous interactions.

3. Remove the Burden Assumption:

• Shift the mindset from viewing requests for help as burdens to opportunities for deeper connection.
• Encourage reciprocal support without fear of being a nuisance.

Key Quote:
"Friendship can be a lot easier if you are in close proximity to people. It allows for more spontaneous interactions." – Raina Cohen [34:16]

Managing Romantic Feelings in Friendships

Timestamp: 39:09 - 43:59

Raina addresses the delicate balance between maintaining platonic relationships while navigating romantic or sexual feelings.

Key Insights:

• Self-Reflection: Understand the motivations behind seeking a romantic relationship—whether it's genuine desire or societal pressure.
• Open Communication: Discuss potential relationship shifts openly to manage expectations and preserve the friendship.
• Flexible Relationship Models: Embrace adaptable relationship structures, taking cues from queer communities where toggling between romance and friendship is normalized.

Practical Advice:

• Pre-Mortem Discussions: Anticipate potential relationship outcomes and plan accordingly to mitigate risks.
• No On/Off Switch: Allow for fluid transitions in relationships without rigid definitions, fostering resilience and adaptability.

Key Quote:
"Try to not feel like there has to be an on-off switch that if it turns out, the romantic relationship is not the best way to do things." – Raina Cohen [40:39]

Conclusion: Redefining Relationship Structures

Timestamp: 43:59 - End

Chris and Raina wrap up the discussion by emphasizing the importance of thoughtfully defining the shape and structure of one's relationships to ensure they meet individual needs and foster personal growth.

Key Takeaway:
"Think deeply about the shape of your relationships and invest the necessary time and energy to cultivate them in ways that are fulfilling and sustainable." – Chris Duffy [43:59]

Final Thoughts and Recommendations

Raina encourages listeners to challenge conventional relationship norms, fostering friendships that provide comprehensive support and enrich one’s life. She advocates for viewing friendships as dynamic and central to personal well-being, urging a cultural shift in how friendships are perceived and valued.

Recommended Actions:

• Social Atom Exercise: Visualize your network to identify and bridge gaps in your relationships.
• Create Rituals: Establish meaningful traditions with friends to strengthen bonds.
• Embrace Flexibility: Allow relationships to evolve naturally without rigid expectations.

Key Quote:
"It's really about how do you figure out what you want in a world that's telling you that there are only certain things that are possible." – Raina Cohen [14:37]

Closing Remarks

Chris thanks Raina Cohen for her insightful contributions and encourages listeners to reflect on and actively cultivate their friendships. He also acknowledges the support team behind the podcast and invites listeners to share the episode with those they care about.

Notable Quotes:

• "It's being both a fair weather friend and a foul weather friend." – Raina Cohen [06:13]
• "We expect so little of friendships that we end up weakening them or not realizing their full potential." – Raina Cohen [10:14]
• "Friendship can be a lot easier if you are in close proximity to people. It allows for more spontaneous interactions." – Raina Cohen [34:16]

Conclusion: This episode offers a comprehensive exploration of the multifaceted nature of friendships, challenging traditional perceptions and providing actionable strategies to deepen and sustain these vital relationships. Raina Cohen's insights advocate for a more inclusive and dynamic understanding of friendship, positioning it as a cornerstone of personal growth and fulfillment.