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Throwing good parties and building community (w/ Priya Parker)

How to Be a Better Human

Mon Jan 13 2025

Summary

Podcast Summary: How to Be a Better Human
Episode: Throwing Good Parties and Building Community (w/ Priya Parker)
Host: Chris Duffy
Release Date: January 13, 2025

Introduction: The Art of Gathering Well

In the inaugural episode of Season Five, host Chris Duffy delves into the essence of meaningful gatherings. Drawing from personal anecdotes of both unforgettable and awkward parties, Chris sets the stage for an enlightening conversation on creating gatherings that foster genuine connections and build lasting communities.

Meet the Expert: Priya Parker

Chris introduces Priya Parker, the esteemed author of The Art of Gathering. Priya brings a wealth of experience from her background in conflict management, having facilitated dialogues in diverse and high-stakes environments like Charlottesville, Istanbul, and Ahmedabad. Her expertise lies in transforming ordinary gatherings into extraordinary experiences that prioritize human connection over superficial elements.

Defining Meaningful Gatherings

Priya Parker emphasizes the disparity between high-intensity conflict resolutions and everyday gatherings. In her own words:

“There was a meaning gap between these high intensity conflict groups and my everyday gatherings.” (02:11)

She explains that while facilitators focus on the interactions within a group by stripping away distractions, everyday hosts often get bogged down by logistics like food and decor, leaving the meaningful interactions to chance.

Choosing Your "Joneses": The Power of Shared Questions

A pivotal theme in the conversation is the concept of "shared questions" versus mere "shared values." Priya argues that the longevity and sustainability of communities hinge on the questions they collectively seek to answer. She articulates:

“Groups carry implicit or explicit questions. And as you are starting to navigate the groups of your life to think about, is this how I want to be spending my time?” (07:03)

Chris adds that the people we choose to surround ourselves with significantly influence our personal and professional growth:

“The best predictor is to look at the people who you spend the most time with.” (08:04)

Navigating Conflict: From Avoidance to Healthy Heat

Priya shares her personal journey with conflict, highlighting that both unhealthy conflict and unhealthy peace can jeopardize human connections. Reflecting on her bicultural background and early family experiences, she notes:

“Human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict.” (14:32)

She advises cultivating "healthy heat" within groups through self-awareness, humor, and intentional cultural practices. Notably, humor serves as a powerful tool for diffusing tension:

“Humor is actually an amazing way into holding healthy heat.” (16:54)

Embracing Generous Authority as a Host

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the role of the host in shaping the direction and tone of a gathering. Priya introduces the concept of generous authority, where hosts use their influence to guide the group toward its purpose without imposing rigid controls:

“Generous authority isn't like having people come in and be like, this is how this is going to go. It's actually pausing well before and beginning to think like, okay, what is a need in my life?” (18:37)

This approach encourages hosts to create environments that align with the attendees' needs and the gathering's intended outcomes.

The Power of Disputable Gatherings

Priya introduces the idea of disputable gatherings—events that may not appeal to everyone but resonate deeply with a specific group. Chris reflects on this concept with an example of a birthday adventure that may not be universally liked but creates memorable experiences for those who value it:

“A good gathering is something that someone could disagree with and say actually this isn't for me.” (28:28)

Priya elaborates that disputable elements introduce a dynamic that breaks routine and fosters unique connections:

“Those are the moments where there's like a little bit of like a rip in the universe.” (29:14)

Sustaining Gatherings Through Rituals and Flexibility

The conversation shifts to maintaining long-term gatherings amidst life changes. Priya emphasizes the importance of rituals in giving gatherings meaning and consistency. She shares heartfelt examples, such as a friend's innovative approach to hosting a modern funeral that honors personal and cultural traditions:

“Rituals give meaning to life. Rituals allow us to feel an obligation to something.” (41:24)

Chris relates this to his own experience with the LA Adventure Club, illustrating how rituals can sustain community bonds even as circumstances evolve.

Conclusion: Crafting Intentional and Generative Gatherings

Priya Parker and Chris Duffy wrap up the episode by underscoring the transformative potential of intentional gatherings. By focusing on shared questions, embracing healthy conflict, exercising generous authority, and incorporating meaningful rituals, hosts can create spaces that not only bring people together but also foster deep, lasting connections.

Notable Quotes:

“How do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience.” — Priya Parker (02:11)
“Rituals give meaning to life. Rituals allow us to feel an obligation to something.” — Priya Parker (41:24)
“A good gathering is something that someone could disagree with and say actually this isn't for me.” — Chris Duffy (28:28)

Key Takeaways:

Intentional Planning: Define the purpose of your gathering beyond logistics.
Shared Questions: Foster community through collective inquiries rather than superficial similarities.
Healthy Conflict: Encourage open dialogue and manage tensions constructively.
Generous Authority: Hosts should guide without imposing, creating an environment aligned with the group's needs.
Disputable Elements: Incorporate unique or challenging aspects to make gatherings memorable.
Meaningful Rituals: Establish and adapt rituals to sustain connections over time.

For those seeking to enhance their ability to bring people together, this episode offers profound insights and practical strategies to transform ordinary gatherings into extraordinary communities.

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Transcript

Chris Duffy (0:02)

You're listening to how to Be a Better Human. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and this is the first episode of season five of our show. Thank you so much for listening. I am so, so, so glad that we are back on today's episode. We're going to be talking about what it means to gather together and to gather well. And that feels to me like a very appropriate topic for our first episode back because what does it mean to reunite with you, the listeners? What does our audio podcast Coming Back Together Party look like? I'm kind of joking, but I'm kind of not regardless of that. More importantly, what does it look like when you get together in person with your friends or your family or your co workers or even with strangers? How do you do that in a way that is fun and meaningful, but also builds relationships? In my life, I've been to a few parties that were so fun and unique that I will think about them forever. One example is my friend Will once hosted a dinner party where everyone was only allowed to bring different types of soups and then after eating a bunch of soup, we all went home before 9pm to me, oh, that was a perfect event. A truly perfect dinner party. Now I've also been to some absolutely horrendous awkward events where I have felt so self conscious and uncomfortable that I thought that I might explode. One time I went to this party where the host was trying an experiment, I guess. So we were forbidden to make small talk with any of the other guests there. But the thing is, we didn't know any of the other guests either. So everyone just ended up sitting silently in this kind of like foyer waiting room while we were waiting for more instructions. It was truly excruciating. Now today's guest, Priya Parker, is the author of the book the Art of Gathering. Priya thinks and writes all about bringing people together and she knows how to do it well. When Priya is involved, there are no excruciating waiting for instruction moments. And from talking to people in my life and hearing from listeners to our show, I know that a lot of people in this new year are thinking about building and maintaining community. That that's a big goal that lots of people are working towards. And to figure out how to do that, to figure out how to gather well and to build community, Priya draws on her background in conflict management. Here's a clip from Priya's TED Talk.

Priya Parker (2:11)

Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad, the challenge was always the despite all odds and with integrity, how do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience. And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms. And then I would leave those rooms and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you. A wedding or a conference or a back to school picnic, and many would fall flat. There was a meaning gap between these high intensity conflict groups and my everyday gatherings. Now you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party isn't going to live up to a race dialogue, but that's not what I was responding to. As a facilitator, you're taught to strip everything away and focus on the interaction between people, whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right, the food, the flowers, the fish knives, and leave the interaction between people largely to chance. So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection, not obsessing with the canapes.

Priya Parker (18:37)

So the biggest mistake we make when we gather is we assume that the purpose is obvious and shared. Yeah, oh, I know what a birthday party is. I know what a staff meeting is. I know what a wedding is. And because we don't pause, actually ask, why are we doing this? What is the purpose? Why are we getting married? We should ask that first. Why are we having a wedding? We tend to repeat old forms. And the biggest shift is to first ask, particularly when it seems totally obvious, why are we doing this? What is the need here? Right. If I'm turning 37 or 47 or 67, what is it in this moment in my life? What's a need in my life that I might be able to address by bringing together other people? Is it adventure? Is it curiosity? Is it nostalgia? Is it feeling a sense of loneliness? Those are actually different formations of a party. And part of the role of a host in modern life is particularly if you have. If you're creating a sharper gathering, you're creating a gathering that might be a pickleball tournament for people who have never played pickleball before, or a, like, rave, you know, fill in the blank. You need to really, actually help people on board to begin to understand what that is. And a good host, you know, gathering isn't just about connection and love. It is, but it's also about power. It is the radical decision to say, I think a certain group of people should spend their time in a very specific way. Are you on board? So a good host practices what I call generous authority, and that is using your power for the good of the group to help it achieve its purpose. And so often we abdicate our role as hosts because we don't want to impose on each other. But when you actually have a specific idea then to actually help people understand what is that world that you're building and how do I be successful there? You need to actually help protect people from each other, connect them to each other and to the purpose and temporarily equalize them and to do that before anyone enters the room. So generous authority isn't like having people come in and be like, this is how this is going to go. It's actually pausing well before and beginning to think like, okay, what is a need in my life? How do I actually begin to tell a story that invites people? It's a very simple way of thinking about it is host a gathering you want to attend, but then bring people along.

Priya Parker (31:17)

And you know, so what I hear and what you're saying is at a very specific moment in time, you had, you saw a need, you had energy around it. It turned out to be a shared need. If people were like, yes, absolutely, I want to go to Chris's Adventure Club. And for a period of time, all of the variables worked and then something changed. So the first thing I would just think is when you start noticing this loss, to ask, is it the exact form that I deeply miss? And do you need to talk to your partner about making if this makes, if this is a really important part of you to continue to feel sane around? Are there other negotiations around the rest of the week that you are willing to kind of shift and that you actually do this? You realize this is a really important part of your identity and your sense of friendship? The second, is everyone else still deeply attached to this form? Is this a workable form that because of all sorts of different reasons, Saturday at 10am is disproportionately important and available to like the friends in our life? Third, what is it about this form that I loved, Was it that it got me to different parts of the city? Was it that the frame of our mind because of the time of day or because we just knew it was adventure had me interacting with friends in a way that we don't normally over pasta on a Saturday night. Can I create this in a different form and what might that be? And then the last thing I'll just say is to give yourself some grace. And parenthood is a leveling. And there are massive shifts that are happening between you and your little family of three that need some space to take new forms. And zero to three is a really intense time for most family structures. And again, it's just, it's a different formation and it doesn't mean that all of your energy should just go towards your family. Studies now show Surgeon General also issued a warning that parenting is in crisis. Right. We need to have friends, we need to have other identities. But all of this to say is become curious about why you love this specific formation and then run some experiments to see what is the current next form now and to also give yourself some grace to be able to realize like there is a unique chemical composition here and what of this is sparking in me and knowing that it might take a new form as you grow.

Priya Parker (36:08)

I really appreciate that. I'm very touched by that. I think you can absolutely gather in a way that is deeply selfish, right? And I think that unfortunately, in our over commercialized, over capitalized, deeply, almost like branded life events, it can actually become that. Right? Whether it's like the race to the sweet 16, but it's actually all about the stuff, right? Or how much money is spent, or in weddings, again, how much money is spent and how these are like shows strategically, historically, tribally, of status and at the deepest level, part of, like, our lonely, loneliness crisis. I believe it's for many structural reasons, it's for economic reasons, it's for historical reasons. And one of the norms. You said it earlier, that I think leaves us from each other. Is this convoluted? I don't know where it fully comes from. It comes from a good place of like a desire to not impose on one another. And that instinct to not impose, it's become distorted somehow. That instinct to not impose, quote, unquote, is leaving us deeply lonely. I had a friend. And all of the examples I share, I have permission to share. I had a friend. She lived in New York City. She. Her father died and her father was an Egyptian immigrant to Germany. And her father passed away and she went. She flew back home to Germany to. For the funeral. And she came back and I said, you know, how are you doing? And she said, it was really nice to be there for my mother, but I still feel a huge loss. And it was sort of strange because none of my present life, none of my adult friends, none of who I've become living in the city for the last 15 years, were there. And so I feel this kind of like false limb of like there was this funeral, but I wasn't funeralled. I was there. My primary role was as I wanted it to be, was to be a support to my mother and to see my childhood friends. And so I said to her, well, what if we hosted some kind of funeral? And she said, well, what do you mean? And I said, well. And I also felt kind of a loss, like I, as her friend, that one of the biggest things that has happened in her entire life has happened. And I didn't have a way to engage. I struggled to have her language for it. We created this shiva, sort of sitting shiva from the Jewish tradition which she had within her extended family. But it was also. There's a death ritual in Islam, which she also came from that tradition where she kind of put together these different deep wisdoms and instincts that we want to be together, but in this modern way. And so very practically, she invited, I think it was 40 friends she invites. She told them the story of what happened. Again, tell the story. Bring people in. She invited them to wear dark colors, black or navy blue, should they like. She. Again, she spelled it all out. Please come at 6pm we'll start at 6:30. We will feed you. At 8pm there will be a feast. Please do not come or leave between the hours of 6:30 and 8, because we will be gathering. And she sat in the middle of this kind of circle is the wrong word. We were all like in a living room and she sat in a chair and she just told us stories about her father and she showed us Photos of him. And she laughed and she cried, and we laughed and we cried. And we started to realize, like, oh, my gosh, we thought this was just our friend. Actually, she's exactly her father's daughter. And then at the end, she played a surah that he would listen to every morning in the shower. And then we closed, and then we ate. And it was so beautiful. It was so beautiful for all of us. And her instinct in the beginning was like, is this selfish? I'm asking all these people to come and mourn for me. No, no, no, I can't impose. But at the deeper level, because she was willing to sit there, she became a vessel. It was a deeply generous act. Half of us were in the room crying for her, but also for ourselves. Of the people that we've left, of the selves that we've left of realizing, oh, we haven't necessarily mourned the loss of people in our lives that the friends of ours haven't been able to see. And part of what she was finding her way to was like a modern ritual and modern life where the people again, I know I sound broken record. You don't live or die or eat or breathe or in the same plot of land your entire life. And so when we actually are deracinated and lose the rituals from which we came, we need to replace them with something. And part of that is experimentation. And when it is relevant and when it hits a need and when it's a shared need, it might begin to stick and invite new rituals into our common culture together.