Podcast Summary: How To Fail With Elizabeth Day
Episode: How To Date: Red and Green Flags
Date: March 3, 2025
Host: Elizabeth Day
Guests: Mel Schilling (relationship coach), “La La La Let Me Explain” (Lala – anonymous dating/relationships expert & social worker)
1. Episode Overview
This episode delves into the crucial topic of “red and green flags” in modern dating—those early warning (or encouraging) signs that help us determine whether a potential relationship is worth pursuing. Joined by relationship coach Mel Schilling and anonymous expert Lala, Elizabeth Day explores:
- The definitions and nuances of red, green, and “pink” (amber) flags,
- Personal stories illustrating pitfalls and learning moments,
- How our values intersect with the concept of flags,
- The dangers of love bombing, emotional unavailability, and controlling behaviors,
- Neurodiversity in dating,
- How to practically spot and act on these signals for healthier romantic lives.
2. Key Discussion Points & Insights
A. Defining Red, Green, and Pink Flags
- Red Flags: Non-negotiable warning signs that signal potential harm or incompatibility (“deal-breakers”). These can be global (e.g., abusive, disrespectful behavior) or personal (e.g., someone lying if honesty is your core value).
“There are some that are global...any rational person would say is a red flag... But then also the personal ones will be much more linked to your own values.”
— Mel Schilling [03:40] - Green Flags: Positive, healthy traits—emotional availability, open communication, respect, vulnerability, and kindness.
- Pink/Amber Flags: Ambiguous behaviors that aren’t deal-breakers but may warrant caution or attention. Individually, they're not alarming, but a pattern may signal trouble.
B. Personal Anecdotes: Recognizing Red Flags
- Elizabeth shares about a date arriving at her flat with a camp bed because he disliked her mattress, culminating in a rude, ageist comment:
“As long as you don't change your mind in six months because by that time your ovaries will have dried up and I won't be interested.”
— Elizabeth Day [06:48] - Mel’s example: a date who was perpetually indecisive.
“For me, seeing him not able to even make a decision...was the biggest turnoff for me.”
— Mel Schilling [08:24]
C. Understanding Flags in Practice (Lala’s Framework)
- Lala categorizes warnings and positives as red (danger), pink (watch out), and green (good to go).
- Pink flags are those you watch but don’t run from immediately (e.g., no social media, reluctance to invite you over).
- Accumulating pink flags can equal a red flag.
“If you have another pink flag...you're getting a big indication this person is probably in a relationship.”
— Lala [11:15]
The “Ick”:
- The panel discusses “the ick”—a feeling of aversion that sometimes is intuition, sometimes judgment.
“Sometimes I think those icks can be gut, intuition, and sometimes ick is evolutionary...But also pay attention to why you’re getting it.”
— Lala [13:56]
D. Love Bombing as a Major Red Flag
-
Love bombing (“movie-style” intense affection and fast commitment) is often conflated with romance, but is usually manipulative and sometimes abusive.
“Love bombing is probably the biggest red flag out there...if you are able to recognize and deal with you are potentially saving yourself.”
— Lala [15:51] -
Cycle: Intense affection → getting you “hooked” → devaluation/manipulation.
-
Links to narcissism/manipulation.
“It is essentially getting a hook...and then they drop it. And all of a sudden your need becomes almost unbearable.”
— Mel Schilling [19:44]
E. Emotional Avoidance and Stated Intentions
- If someone says they “don’t want a relationship,” take that seriously.
“People show you who they are every day. Our job is to listen.”
— Mel Schilling [23:35]
F. Neurodiversity and Dating
- Neurodiverse individuals (ADHD, Autism) may present communication differences that could appear as red or pink flags but are not signs of malice or incompatibility.
“I now use ChatGPT to help me formulate things...sometimes you do miss [subtext]...”
— Lala [24:06]
G. Single Parenting and Red Flags
- Stakes are higher when children are involved; mistakes can affect not just you but your child.
“You can't allow yourself room for the same mistakes that you would have done when you were 25 and single...”
— Lala [26:41]
H. Serious Red Flags: Emotional/Physical Abuse
- Gaslighting, coercive control, manipulative jealousy, and belittling are not just “flags” but signs of potential escalation to abuse.
“This is emotional abuse...it can escalate and often does to forms of physical abuse and so on, or financial abuse...”
— Mel Schilling [29:21]
I. Importance of Pattern Recognition
- One-off odd behaviour = benefit of the doubt.
- Recurring patterns = likely to persist and grow.
“If you're starting to see these little behaviors 3, 4, 5 times, it becomes a pattern...”
— Mel Schilling [34:38]
J. Is Dating Hell for Everyone?
- Yes—don’t take dating mishaps or bad experiences as a personal failing; recognize when patterns might be about your choices.
“Dating is hell. It's really difficult... No matter how hot, how successful...you're going to face some problems on dating apps.”
— Lala [35:30]
K. Pink Flags: Political, Moral, Value Differences
-
Political or moral difference isn't necessarily a red flag—unless it fundamentally devalues your existence or safety (e.g., anti-LGBTQ+ views for a queer person).
“If you are a trans person and your person you’re on a date with voted for Trump... that is potentially harmful to your safety.”
— Lala [41:32] -
Communication and respect through disagreement are more indicative than the values themselves (except in deal-breaking contexts).
“If the communication was all wrong, that would be the red flag.”
— Mel Schilling [37:23]
L. Interest in You as a Person
- Not asking about you, lack of curiosity: a red flag.
“He doesn’t even know what I do for a living...if they’re not genuinely curious and interested, what are they here for?”
— Lala [39:50]
M. Nudes & Unsolicited Dick Pics
-
Unsolicited nudes: clear (literal and metaphorical) pink or red flag, potentially abusive/illegal.
“...it is a sex offense to just randomly send your genitals to people that haven't asked for them. So absolutely a red flag.”
— Lala [45:16] -
Sending with consent/in context = fine, but always protect your privacy.
N. Green Flags: What to Look For
-
Emotional Availability:
“One of the most important green flags is emotional availability.”
— Elizabeth Day [48:31]
“Someone who can just sit in their strength, know who they are and what they want, and just openly, without fanfare, just tell you that they like you and enjoy spending time with you...that’s really good.”
— Mel Schilling [50:02] -
Consistency & Vulnerability: Clear and regular communication, not playing games, being honest.
“For me, consistent is really important. And then communicating if you're unable to be consistent...Just be normal.”
— Lala [51:31] -
Handling Endings Well: Kindness and clarity in breakups is a green flag.
-
Kindness, Empathy, Emotional Safety:
“If a person is cultivating that safe space for you by showing empathy, by not blaming you, by not judging you...that’s a huge green flag.”
— Mel Schilling [54:31]
O. Exercise for Listeners
- List experiences in three categories: global and personal red flags, pink flags, green flags. Add behaviors to watch for in future.
"Get really practical...jot down under those three categories all the examples you’ve experienced so far, and then ...things, the behaviours you’re gonna be on the lookout for in future relationships."
— Mel Schilling [55:24]
3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
“Sometimes I do think it's about paying attention to those moments, moments of intuition—they don’t have to be camp beds, but those moments where you don’t feel settled.”
— Elizabeth Day [06:50] -
“You cannot love someone after three dates...Love bombing is just wanting to be with you all the time, declaring really strong feelings for you, never being out of your sight, and then it's the mask slipping.”
— Lala [15:51] -
“People show you who they are every day…Our job is to listen.”
— Mel Schilling [23:35] -
“If you’re noticing things come up that seem like they could be red flags, talk about it. Don’t overthink it, get it out there, have a chat with someone you trust…”
— Mel Schilling [33:39] -
“You can't allow yourself room for the same mistakes that you would have done when you were 25 and single... You are responsible for this person's safety.”
— Lala [26:41]
4. Timestamps for Major Segments
- Red & Green Flags Definition and Examples: 02:34 – 09:15
- Lala breaks down flag categories: 09:36 – 13:56
- On the Ick and Self-Sabotage: 13:56 – 15:17
- Love Bombing deep dive: 15:17 – 19:44
- Emotional Avoidance, Commitment: 22:05 – 23:40
- Neurodiversity: 24:06 – 25:54
- Single Parenting/Red Flags: 26:29 – 28:38
- Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control: 28:38 – 33:03
- Pattern Recognition & Audience Advice: 34:38 – 36:36
- Everyone Struggles in Modern Dating: 35:30 – 37:08
- Politics, Morals & Religion as Flags: 37:08 – 42:22
- Lack of Curiosity as a Red Flag: 39:50 – 41:32
- Nudes, Consent and Privacy: 43:53 – 48:09
- Green Flags & Emotional Safety: 48:30 – 55:02
- Practical Exercise Assignment: 55:24 – end
5. Conclusion & Takeaways
- Red, pink, and green flags are crucial navigational tools for modern dating, encompassing global societal warnings and personal values.
- Trust your intuition—even small discomforts can pre-empt bigger issues.
- Patterns matter: repeated troubling behaviors are the most reliable indicator.
- Kindness, respect, curiosity, and emotional safety are the ultimate green flags.
- Communication is everything—from handling differences to ending relationships gracefully.
- Practical tip: Reflect on your own past, write your flag lists, and hold space for nuance. Don’t ignore the small signs!
For further activities and exercises, listeners can download Mel’s worksheets at thepodclass.co.uk.
Next episode: “Taking It To The Next Step”—how to know when and how to deepen a budding relationship.
This summary captures all major themes and the characterful, conversational tone of the episode, providing a nuanced guide for listeners navigating the dating world.