How To Fail With Elizabeth Day – "How To Date: The Most Important Relationship You’ll Ever Have"

Podcast: How To Fail With Elizabeth Day
Host: Elizabeth Day
Co-host: Mel Schilling
Episode Release Date: March 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In the final episode of "How To Date," Elizabeth Day and relationship coach Mel Schilling explore the most essential relationship in your life: the one you have with yourself. Reflecting on their journey throughout the series and joined by their partners for real-world perspectives, the hosts emphasize self-worth, self-acceptance, and how mastering these influences romantic relationships. They discuss the concepts of self-love (in all its complexity), losing and rediscovering oneself in partnerships, communication, autonomy, and the emotional realities of long-term love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Finding the Podcast's Core Message

• Main takeaway: The only thing you can truly control in relationships is yourself.
  • (03:17) Mel: "There is one thing you can control in a relationship, and that’s yourself. Let’s focus there."
• Self-reflection and self-acceptance form the foundation for healthy romantic relationships.

2. What Does "Falling in Love With Yourself" Actually Mean?

• Elizabeth expresses her discomfort with the phrase ("so British and completely messed up") (04:08).
• Mel contextualizes self-love therapeutically:
  • Self-worth: Recognizing you deserve love and happiness, even if you don't believe it at first.
  • Acceptance: Acknowledging your flaws and shadow sides, not denying them.
  • Practical tools: Affirmations, humor, speaking with friends, journaling (even via voice notes for podcaster types!).
  • (06:49) Mel: "There are parts of yourself that may not be perfect...just accepting that that’s okay and that you don’t have to be perfect to go into your next relationship."
• Shame thrives in silence; speaking and even laughing about your flaws helps lessen their power.
  • Elizabeth references Brené Brown: "Shame thrives in silence." (09:00)

3. Losing and Rediscovering Yourself in Relationships

• Common experience: “I lost myself in that last relationship.”
  • (11:45) Mel: "I forgot to be me."
• Especially common for women, who are socialized to serve others' needs.
• Mel highlights the challenge for single parents, especially single mums, in balancing self-care and dating.

4. With or Without You: Empowered Dating

• Mel introduces the phrase:
  • (12:49) Mel: "Imagine coming to a relationship and saying [to yourself], ‘I’m going to have a great life with or without you.’"
• Agency, self-respect, and reducing desperation in romantic pursuits.

5. Signs of Healthy Self-Love When Dating

• Secure attachment, groundedness, clear boundaries: not clingy nor avoidant.
• Rooted in self-knowledge and the bravery to make hard (sometimes painful) decisions.
• Daily recommitment to each other in relationships as “the romance.”

6. Building & Rebuilding Confidence

• Practice listening to your intuition—even in low-stakes situations—to restore trust in your decision-making.
• Start with small acts of self-affirmation and self-care (“I’m punctual!”) and build up.
  • Story: Elizabeth recounts losing touch with her own desires in a relationship, defaulting to her partner’s preferences, and only regaining her instincts after leaving a toxic relationship.

7. Communicating Needs

• You are entitled to ask for your needs to be met.
  • (20:27) Mel: "Consider this your permission slip, our gorgeous listeners. Ask for what you want."
  • Elizabeth: "Your mind cannot be read. And in fact, it shouldn’t be able to be because it’s your mind, and you get to live there." (20:47)

8. Sexual Boundaries: Celibacy, Abstinence, and Data Acquisition

• Discussion around intentional celibacy or abstinence post-breakup as a route to self-investment, but also validating exploration and casual sex, as long as you’re clear and safe.
• Sexual experiences and even mistakes are forms of valuable data (“data acquisition”) for self-understanding.

Guest Segment: The Husbands Join

Meet Justin & Gareth

• Justin (Elizabeth’s husband) and Gareth (Mel’s husband) join the sofa for honest reflections on how self-relationship shaped their paths to love.

Gareth’s Story

• Divorced, relocated, left by his ex-wife—a blow to confidence, but ultimately freeing.
  • (27:46) Gareth: "I stopped worrying about what other people thought, stopped fearing rejection...I was looking to establish myself in a new country."
• Dabbled in casual dating, then embraced online dating (originally skeptical!).
• Relationship with Mel began long-distance: "We almost established a relationship before we met, which was the weirdest thing." (30:33)

Justin’s Story

• Went through divorce and loss, entered therapy, and dated to “acquire data,” combining therapy sessions with dates (therapy at 7, date at 8!).
• Justin’s dating ‘funnel theory’:
  • (32:21) Justin: "Go and have lots of relationships, meet people...You have to give yourself the opportunity to work out what you really like and what's good for you."

Interdependence vs. Codependence

• Essential to be “interdependent” (choosing each other daily, rooted and individual) not “codependent.”
  • "Every day, I think, is a decision that we make...walking your own path, but holding hands." — Justin (37:18)
• Mel and Gareth reflect on how professional and personal demands require independence and regular “transition” periods post-travel, made tougher by illness and distance.
• Gareth’s moving statement:
  • (41:16) Gareth: "Love for me has been going into a quiet room and crying, because I’m just so worried about her health ...and having to be happy with my daughter."

Communication & Feedback

• Elizabeth: expressing emotional disconnection is safe in her marriage because of established trust in accepting feedback (and feeling safe to say “I feel disconnected”).
• Mel & Gareth: managing transitions and role changes due to health and career; the necessity of mindful adjustments and family cuddles.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• (15:29) Elizabeth: "When you truly know and respect yourself, it gives you the courage to make difficult but necessary decisions."
• (12:49) Mel: "I’m going to have a great life with or without you. It is so empowering, it is so calming."
• Gareth on independence: “I never had dependency on anybody…Both of my wives had that same straightforwardness, that same courage. They were both alpha females in their own ways.” (34:44)
• Justin on daily recommitment: "Every day is a decision that we make…walking your own path, but holding hands." (37:18)
• Gareth on fatherhood: “Probably my proudest achievement, I’ve got to be totally honest.” (36:49)
• Mel (to listeners): “Consider this your permission slip, our gorgeous listeners. Ask for what you want.” (20:27)
• Elizabeth on happiness: “I was under the mistaken delusion that it was my job to make my romantic partner happy. And I now realize that it isn’t." (49:33)
• Justin: “It’s your own responsibility as an individual [to be happy]...if you do that, we walk together.” (49:35)
• Mel: “That’s what interdependence is...one person outsourcing their happiness to the other is a recipe for disaster.” (51:55)
• Gareth (on supporting Mel’s new career): “It went against every instinct of mine to back her in on this, but it did, because I could see who she was as a person, who she could potentially be.” (52:29)

Quickfire Q&A: On Fears & Navigating Tough Times (43:02–46:12)

• Justin’s biggest fear at the start: Their fertility journey and its emotional toll.
• Gareth’s immediate fear: Mel bursting into tears fearing she might not be able to have kids—on their fourth date! (46:31)
• Both stories highlight the importance of honesty, letting oneself be vulnerable, and accepting that happiness and fulfillment aren’t your partner’s responsibility.

Advice for Tired Daters (54:14)

• Justin: "It’s a journey…take some time away, take some time for yourself. Retool. Dates will still be there."
• Gareth: "Don’t try and be who you think people want you to be…it’s never going to lead to a long-term relationship. You’ve got to be yourself." (55:32)
• Elizabeth: "Sort the genital warts out first. Absolutely. Part of self love, promise." (55:32)

Conclusion & Reflections (56:10)

• Deep mutual appreciation between Elizabeth and Mel for their partnership on the podcast.
• Underlining that the ultimate goal is to bring your relationship to yourself into your romantic relationships—and keep “dating” your partner to stay connected.
• Encouragement for listeners: before loving others, invest in loving and knowing yourself.
• Final invitation: Continue the journey—bonus episodes and a “dating commandments” pledge available at thepodclass.co.uk.

Summary Table of Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 03:17 | Core Message: Control Yourself in Relationships | | 06:49 | Self-Love: Acceptance of Flaws and Affirmations | | 09:00 | "Shame thrives in silence" - On confiding in friends | | 11:45 | "I lost myself" in a relationship & identity rebuilding | | 12:49 | "With or without you" attitude—empowerment in dating | | 15:29 | Knowing yourself = Courage for hard decisions | | 20:27 | Permission to communicate your needs | | 27:46 | Gareth’s journey: divorce, confidence, independence | | 32:21 | Justin’s "Funnel Theory" of dating | | 37:18 | Interdependence over codependence | | 41:16 | Gareth's raw honesty on loving through illness | | 49:33 | Whose job is happiness in a relationship? | | 54:14 | Q&A: Advice for the weary dater | | 56:10 | Series wrap-up: Reflections and thanks |

Final Takeaways

• Invest in self-awareness, self-love, and boundaries; they are prerequisites for healthy, happy relationships.
• Show up as your full, imperfect self in dating and relationships – you’ll attract more genuine connection.
• Interdependence is key: two whole people choosing to walk together, not leaning so heavily on each other you lose yourselves.
• Happiness is yours to create, but you can absolutely share joy with a loving partner.

“We hope that you enjoy falling in love with yourself first and then, hopefully, surely, the rest will follow." — Elizabeth Day (57:07)