How to Fail with Elizabeth Day

Episode: Mel Schilling - ‘She was the embodiment of vibrant life’

Release Date: March 24, 2026
Host: Elizabeth Day
Guest: Mel Schilling

Main Theme & Purpose

This special episode is a tribute to the late Mel Schilling, an acclaimed psychologist, relationship expert, and TV personality, best known for her work on Married at First Sight (MAFS). Elizabeth Day revisits her original interview with Mel to honor her vibrant spirit, wisdom, and impact on countless people. The conversation explores Mel's three significant life "failures," how these shaped her professional and personal growth, her experiences with self-confidence, love, career pivots, and fertility.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Tribute to Mel Schilling (00:00–02:20)

• Elizabeth Day opens on Mel’s passing, honoring her energy, friendship, and encouraging spirit.
  • "The way her smile and her eyes could generate enough electricity to power the national grid." (00:20, Elizabeth Day)
  • The powerful influence Mel had on those around her and her enduring belief in everyone’s worthiness of love.

2. Building Confidence & The Power of Self-Talk (03:39–06:53)

• Mel discusses the importance of self-awareness and self-talk as the foundation for personal growth and confidence.
  • "Start with the story you're telling yourself...Self-awareness has to happen first." (04:31, Mel Schilling)
• Power of 'yet':
  • Mel recounts her daughter's wisdom: "I don't say I can't climb the monkey bars. I say I can't climb the monkey bars yet." (06:08, Mel Schilling)
• Reframing tasks as privileges rather than chores (07:07).

3. Facing Professional Rejection & the 'Too Much' Narrative (07:16–12:52)

• Experiencing rejection and being told she was "too much":
  • The TV and media industry's tendency for personal, sometimes brutal feedback.
  • "Often there's an underlying subtext of who do you think you are?...What right do you think you have to be standing here a little bit taller than everyone else?" (08:52, Mel Schilling)
• Cultural influences such as “Tall Poppy Syndrome” in Australia and the burden of needing humility.
• Recognition fantasy vs. Imposter syndrome:
  • Mel discusses using positive daydreams as a tool (recognition fantasies) to balance fearful exposure fantasies (11:31–12:52).

4. The Psychology-Entertainment Crossover and its Challenges (13:22–16:11)

• Professional scrutiny: Being one of the first psychologists on Australian TV brought significant ethical scrutiny.
  • "The governing body received complaints about us. It was so tough...I had to quite literally defend my integrity and my professional ethics because I was on that show." (14:43, Mel Schilling)
• Validation and mainstreaming therapy: Mel and her colleague John made relationship therapy visible and relatable through reality TV.

5. Behind the Scenes of Married at First Sight (16:11–24:57)

• Authenticity of the show:
  • "It's not scripted...It's genuinely not." (19:56, Mel Schilling)
• Popularity and impact in Australia:
  • The show resonates because viewers see reflections of their own relationships, insights into psychological concepts, and conversations about equity, mental health, and relational dynamics.
• Resilience in relationships:
  • "If both parties are willing to do the work, you can bounce back...and become stronger than ever." (21:05, Elizabeth Day; 21:18, Mel Schilling)
• Differing cultural attitudes towards love (Australia vs UK):
  • Aussies perceived as more unfiltered; Brits take a bit longer to open up but are equally expressive once comfortable (22:38–23:36).

6. Failure 1: Not Acting on Her Passion Until Later in Life (27:51–36:19)

• The struggle and eventual decision to let go of her psychologist identity to pursue TV/communications (“a massive investment in identity”).
  • "If I gave up my TV career...I would have the worst FOMO you could imagine." (29:35, Mel Schilling)
• Relief and alignment upon following her true purpose:
  • "Finally I can just be me." (33:18, Mel Schilling)
• Celebrating late bloomers:
  • The mainstream myth of needing to succeed young versus the value and clarity that come with age. (34:36, Elizabeth Day turns 50 discussion)

7. Failure 2: Dating All the Emotionally Unavailable Men (37:33–51:41)

• Patterns of self-sabotage and emotional walls:
  • "Anyone who...lived interstate, overseas, even better. I was Captain Self Sabotage." (37:58, Mel Schilling)
• Root causes:
  • Early life hurt and subsequent anger/avoidance of intimacy.
  • "I spent so much time playing the role of the accomplished, independent, successful woman...But that's not all I was." (43:18, Mel Schilling)
• Advice for the emotionally unavailable:
  • Step out of dating, focus on yourself, clarify what you truly want (44:18, Mel Schilling).
• Dating as a strategic, collaborative exercise:
  • The value of dating buddies, self-reflection, and reframing past patterns (47:18–48:00).
• Powerful affirmation for listeners:
  • "If someone's listening to this and they're struggling...you will meet someone. I do say that. And I do have hope because I lived it myself." (48:00–48:22, Mel Schilling)
• Both Elizabeth and Mel share deeply personal stories of discovering lasting love after 39, debunking time-based expectations (49:03–53:14).

8. Strategic Dating and Finding 'The One' (53:14–61:03)

• Mel details her four-step strategic dating model:
  1. Date yourself (know your values and needs)
  2. Positive dating mindset
  3. Personal dating brand
  4. Authentic dating strategy (online & offline)
• "I did a big clean out...All men cheat. Men will hurt you. People will let you down. All that sort of stuff, it was rubbish." (54:15–57:36, Mel Schilling)
• Meeting her husband, Gareth, through eHarmony ("the fourth person I dated") and developing connection through weeks of written and digital communication (58:17–59:05).
• Gareth’s support and their dynamic as two alphas—honest discussion about power balance, roles, and imperfect but loving partnership (62:57–65:22).
  • "'Don't tell me what to do'...and 'I'm not your client.'" (62:57, Mel Schilling)
• Joy in finding a partner who celebrates her full self: "You feel totally supported and finally, like, you're not too much, you're just enough." (64:50, Elizabeth Day)

9. Failure 3: Ignoring the Biological Clock (65:22–79:21)

• Mel’s realization—only after finding her "forever" partner—that she wanted children.
  • "I didn't believe that I had a yearning to become a parent ever...I now know that that's not true." (66:00–66:24, Mel Schilling)
• Painful miscarriage after initial surprise pregnancy, followed by feelings of self-blame and confusion.
  • "I'd finally arrived...[then] it was gone. So, very, very confusing time." (71:34, Mel Schilling)
  • Both Mel and Elizabeth speak openly about the grief, self-criticism, and societal language around fertility loss and failure (72:51–74:10).
  • "It's the language we use. It's a failed marriage. It's a failed IVF attempt. Oh, and it's so hard to separate yourself from it." (74:02–74:10, Mel Schilling)
• IVF journey:
  • The emotional and physical toll, the heartbreak of failed cycles, the "survivor guilt" of ultimately succeeding after just one round where others have endured more (75:24–79:21).
  • "She spent the first six weeks of her life frozen, which is why I think she loves the movie Frozen so much." (78:40, Mel Schilling)
• Elizabeth affirms the importance of women speaking publicly about fertility, surrogacy, and childlessness—not to diminish parental joy, but to make room for all stories (79:21–81:15).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Confidence and Self-Talk:
  • Mel Schilling: "If you can start to unravel the self talk that's going on, then it really just becomes a process of recognizing when that unhelpful voice is coming up, challenging it and changing it." (05:48)
• The Power of 'Yet':
  • Mel Schilling: "I don't say I can't climb the monkey bars. I say I can't climb the monkey bars yet." (06:08)
• On Professional Rejection:
  • Mel Schilling: "Often there's an underlying subtext of who do you think you are? Well, that's how it feels anyway." (08:52)
• Leaving Psychology for TV:
  • Mel Schilling: "If I gave up my TV career...I would have the worst FOMO you could imagine." (29:35)
• Dating Advice:
  • Mel Schilling: "Take all the apps off your phone....Just be with yourself and let that stuff percolate and process it." (44:18)
• Hope for Love:
  • Mel Schilling: "I do say that [you'll meet someone]. And I do have hope because I lived it myself." (48:18)
• On Later-in-Life Flourishing:
  • Mel Schilling: "I love the calm wisdom that it's brought for me. You know, I don't feel panicked about proving myself..." (35:34)
• On Fertility Loss:
  • Mel Schilling: "It's the language we use. It's a failed marriage. It's a failed IVF attempt. Oh, and it's so hard to separate yourself from it." (74:02)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Title | Timestamps | |-------------------------------------------|-----------------| | Emotional Tribute to Mel Schilling | 00:00–02:20 | | Self-Talk & Confidence Advice | 04:31–06:53 | | The Power of 'Yet' & Parental Wisdom | 06:03–07:07 | | Experiencing Rejection & ‘Too Much’ | 07:16–12:52 | | Licensing Battle & Transition to TV | 13:22–16:11 | | Inside Married at First Sight | 16:11–24:57 | | Failure 1: Late Career Pivot | 27:51–36:19 | | Failure 2: Emotional Unavailability | 37:33–51:41 | | Strategic Dating Model/Meeting Gareth | 53:14–61:03 | | Failure 3: Biological Clock/Fertility | 65:22–79:21 | | Closing Empathy & Affirmation | 79:21–81:52 |

Tone and Takeaways

The episode seamlessly weaves vulnerability, humor, and actionable self-development, true to both host and guest styles. Mel’s journey offers reassurance that life, love, and purpose can realign at any age—and that our past “failures” are often the ground for our most beautiful growth.

For listeners:

• Your self-perception shapes your world—challenge unhelpful stories.
• It’s never too late to pivot, fall in love, or find meaning.
• Letting go, healing, and vulnerability are strengths.
• You’re not alone in your struggles: whether it’s dating, career, or fertility, community and hope matter.

Memorable closing tribute:
"Her vibrance still coursing through the atmosphere... I feel her urging me on and urging you on to find love and to believe yourself to be worthy of it." (01:10, Elizabeth Day)