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Elizabeth Day
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Olivia Atwood
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Elizabeth Day
Foreign the Podcast that Treats All Failure as Data Acquisition before we get to our guest, I wanted to mention our subscriber podcast Failing with Friends, where my guest and I answer your questions and we offer advice on some of your failures too. Here's some advice from Olivia Atwood talking.
Olivia Atwood
Of great, successful people, you know through history, how many of their stories start with that. Just taking that leap, you know, like leaving that job or just, you know, taking writing that play and submitting it. It's every one you can almost pretty much think of.
Elizabeth Day
Do join in by following the link in the podcast notes where you can send me an email or look out for my monthly call outs on Instagram for quick fire questions. Thank you so much for watching. Of all the many achievements my guest today can lay claim to, perhaps one of the most culturally significant is that she gave us the term the the ick. When Olivia Atwood burst onto our TV screens in 2017 as a contestant in the third series of Love island, she instantly became a breakout star thanks to her dry humour, gobby relatability, and for introducing us all to the concept of getting the ick that sudden feeling of revulsion towards a potential romantic partner. Since Love Island, Atwood has not just been adding words to the Oxford English Dictionary, it in fact she's become a media Force to be reckoned with. A regular panelist on Loose Women, she also fronts hit documentaries for itv, including an investigation into cosmetic procedures called the Price of Perfection, which has been streamed almost 7 million times. Her award winning documentary, Getting Filthy Rich, which looks into the online adult industry, has just returned for its third series. Last year, she launched her podcast, Olivia Atwood's so Wrong It's Right, which promptly went straight to number one. According to her TV bosses. She is a great talent and the face of the future. And yet, as a child growing up in Surrey, Atwood was, as she recalls, shy and anxious, always pondering. My parents are staggered by the shift that's happened in me over the last decade.
Olivia Atwood
The.
Elizabeth Day
Because as a kid, the idea of being the centre of attention was horrifying. Olivia Atwood, welcome to How To Fail.
Olivia Atwood
Thank you so much. What an introduction.
Elizabeth Day
I'm so happy you're here, even though you are now the centre of attention. I'm sorry if that's making you feel uncomfortable.
Olivia Atwood
Well, you know, as we learn, I have become quite accustomed to it somehow.
Elizabeth Day
When do you think that switch flipped? When can you remember feeling more comfortable with attention?
Olivia Atwood
I think when it was on my terms, when I was kind of commanding attention rather than being thrust into it in a way that felt that I wasn't ready for. For example, being singled out, like in the choir or singled out in a classroom somewhere. I felt like I was out of my depth and then everyone was gonna look at me was horrifying. I see there's a trend on TikTok at the moment talking about, did you used to do this at school? You know, everyone would read a paragraph. Yes. And that if who was dyslexic or was, weren't a confident reader, that fear of knowing these two more people before you, those kind of situations, like, just filled me with dread. Whereas now I don't. I don't have that because I feel. I feel comfortable in what I'm doing, basically.
Elizabeth Day
So you have dyslexia and you were diagnosed with that at school?
Olivia Atwood
Yeah, really early on.
Elizabeth Day
But you also had adhd and that was a much later diagnosis.
Olivia Atwood
It was, yeah, it was. It was an interesting one. You know, as we know with ADD and adhd, there's so many facets to it and it doesn't actually just fit this one textbook mold that we all previously believed. And so I fit the characteristics is I was impulsive and I was sometimes hyperactive, but I was also meticulously neat and organized and like you said in the intro, quite anxious at Times and thoughtful. So it was conflict. And that's, I think, what, you know, child psychologists and whoever else were kind of having a look at me at different times where they couldn't kind of pin it down. I think now I am the classic, like high overachieving female with ADHD who overcompensates. You know, women. We naturally try to find ways to be socially acceptable because society is less kind to us when we are annoying and breaking things and falling out of trees than they are to men and boys. So boys don't need to learn to mask as much.
Elizabeth Day
What did that feel like when you were younger? And did you feel that you were being misunderstood?
Olivia Atwood
I guess looking back on it, I did, but I don't think that was something I registered at the time. I remember feeling quite a lot of frustration towards myself of just the way that I navigated things and why did I find certain things difficult that other people found easy. And there, there was quite a lot of that going on, I think. But it's hard, isn't it, to look back to access those memories, I think from when you were a kid or a teenager, truthfully, is quite hard. Cause I think we also rewrite our own memories a lot.
Elizabeth Day
I also think with me, I sometimes think I have a memory, but actually I've just seen a photo.
Olivia Atwood
You're there. Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
And I wonder if that's especially surreal for you because you were on TV in your 20s, being followed around the Love island villa, falling in and out of relationships and crushes. Have you ever watched yourself that.
Olivia Atwood
So that's really interesting because I purposefully have never watched like long form versions of the show, like for example, a whole episode, because I actually made the decision really early on after leaving the villa that I didn't want to edit my memories because I lived it and I remember how it was in my mind. But of course, you know, there's 45 minutes to go on telly, give or take of 24 hours, and they're going to compress it and certain things will make it, certain things won't. And that is the, the nature of television. Something that I've obvious to love and appreciate the, the art form of editing and making good tv. But that isn't my full memory. So we watch bits and bobs. I remember, yeah, quite early on seeing maybe half an episode. And I felt kind of instant like, you know, you could get yourself really wound up, which people do. And I think the best thing to do if you're going to do a show like that is just Submit yourself to the, the process. You are not going to be able to tell the entire 200 minute story because there just isn't time.
Elizabeth Day
I want to talk about your TV career post Love island in a. In a second. But because we've just touched on your anxieties as a child, to go from that to Love island is quite a big leap. What was it that gave you the ability to do that? Was it being a grid girl?
Olivia Atwood
Oh, like it's, it's so wild to talk about the grid girl stuff. And I worked for energy drink companies and different brands and I did promo modeling and that really got me kind of traveling and seeing the world in such a positive way because there's so much negativity around. Obviously that kind of work especially has been a lot in the media about grid girls and the sexualization of women. And I. And all of that. I can. That there's an argument for that that I completely get on board with. But for me it was a really pivotal moment into finding independence and kind of just getting outside of my comfort zone. Really. It got me away from really shitty, horrible boyfriend. Like physically gave me distance when I'm like physically traveling the world and meeting new people and I was like, oh my God, the way I've been living is not normal. Because sometimes your own bubble, well, they just are used to what you're used to. So how can they shine a light on anything particularly, you know, groundbreaking? Because they do. They're just used to what you're used to.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah.
Olivia Atwood
But yeah, getting space, like emotionally and physically, it helped me find my confidence. Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
Let's go on to your failures.
Olivia Atwood
Go on the first.
Elizabeth Day
They're really, really good. Yeah. Well, thank you so much because I could tell that you'd really engaged with the premise and that means a lot to me. So your first failure, and I'm reading out because I wanted to get it specifically right, the way you expressed it. Failure to realize I can't find my strength in other people and therefore not realizing sooner I could do things alone, specifically with boyfriends. That is such an interesting one. I think a lot of women will relate to it and I think it's probably intimately connected with people pleasing. I don't know how you feel about that, but tell me about this. And when you first started feeling like you couldn't be on your own or you needed to be with someone else.
Olivia Atwood
So my mum would say that I was like a clingy child. Like I, you know, I was that. That kind of out of the three of my Siblings. I was the one who would be like, I don't want to go to the toilet on my own. Or you know, can you do, can you come with me here? Can you come there? Crying on the first day of school. That was of very embedded in who I was as a person. And my parents, my mum did a really good job, to be fair, of, of trying to help kind of push me to, to, to speak with my own voice and stand on my own two feet. I went to boarding school and things like that kind of forced me into situations that, you know, that otherwise wouldn't have necessarily happened. And I think that what I did was I just replaced that kind of crutching on a parent or, you know, a guardian who is nearby to then friendships and then boyfriends. And I, I always had, you know, even from a young age, a best friend. And it would be like a really, you know, intense, kind of overly suffocating where we're best friends and no one is as close as us. And you know, and that then moved on to the way I felt with boyfriends. I used to kind of become really focused on this one person. Everything else on the outside was like white noise. And I would tell myself the narrative that I had separation anxiety, which to an extent I really did with those early relationships. You know, I was very emotionally dependent on whoever was, I would call it like an emotional crutch at my life, at that time in my life. That's how I treated relationships.
Elizabeth Day
How much do you think ADHD might have played into that?
Olivia Atwood
Quite a bit. And I think I, I think when I, when I was working out who I was and what my value to life was and, and you know, for a large part of my teens, my 20s, I really thought I don't any value to anything that was, I know this, it sounds really dramatic, but that's genuinely how I felt. And I, I, I, I, I then put everything into a friendship or a boyfriend because that gave me like a sense of purpose. You know what I mean?
Elizabeth Day
Yeah.
Olivia Atwood
And I wanted it to be suffocating and, and, and then therefore I attracted, really, I was like prime kind of right for the picking for people that don't have terribly nice personalities. You know, if you're like a narcissist or you're, you've got a bit of borderline personality disorder and you've got this girl who move in next week and we should get matching tattoos. You're like, yes, let's go. Like, she's gonna be the easiest one ever to manipulate, even if they didn't know they were doing it. I made it too easy. You know, I relate to that so completely.
Elizabeth Day
My 20s, I was in a series of long term monogamous relationships from the age of 19 to 36 and I got married then to my last one and then divorced. So it didn't work out. Spoiler alert. And I think I outsourced my sense of self to other people.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
And I just didn't know who I was. I was too scared to find out. And all I wanted to do was please the other person or meet the other person's needs or what I thought their needs were. And I remember vividly an ex boyfriend who was lovely asking, he was on the good ones asking me, where do you want to go for lunch? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. You go, where do you want to go for lunch? And I genuinely could not work out where I wanted to go for lunch.
Olivia Atwood
You'd actually disconnected that much from your own needs?
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
My. One of my best childhood friends who, who has stood the test of time. And I also think your interest in friendships is fascinating. I love it because people don't talk about friendships enough.
Elizabeth Day
Right.
Olivia Atwood
Like we just gloss over it. But anyway, my. One of my best friends who's been since a child, so she really knows me and she was like, she's calling the chameleon. Because I was like that if I dated a guy that was a rock rocker. I'm wearing skinny jeans, the hair's going dark, everything. Then I'm dating a guy that's like, you know, I don't know, really sporty. I'm sporty and I just would constantly like shape shift to whoever had come in and kind of wooed me. I would, yeah, I would go in to fit them, never to fit me. I'd always go to fit them.
Elizabeth Day
And let's talk about friendship. So how did that impact your friendships?
Olivia Atwood
Well, I, I speak there of my best friend Charlotte, who I've been best friends since primary school and she, I mean, I don't know what she did in a past life deserve me because she stood through the test of time with me and we. And she's, you know, she's had to, she's always given me her hon opinion but she's never abandoned me in the choice of my bad decisions. So she is a true friend. And you know what it is to have a true friend is like someone that genuinely is like, wants you to win. Like there's no like conditions or thing they genuinely Want to see you do great and, and, and have the kind of love that you deserve. And I think with female friendships, especially jealousy is such an issue, you know, which it kind of weaves its. I think that women are like, society makes us be so competitive with each other. So when you find a true female friend who is not in competition with you, also having quite different tastes, I think actually works well, like yin and yang. Like sometimes I think if you. You put us together, people be like, how have you two been best friends for like, you know, over 15 years? Because you're quite different. But I think that also does work. I think I've had friends where I've met, you know, in different points in my life or where like, like, I think we're like kindred souls. I'm like, oh my God, you're just like me and you. We do. And that kind of implodes on itself. I think after a while, if you're too similar to someone, I'm just laughing.
Elizabeth Day
Because I'm relating so hard. And it's taken me longer than it's taken you to understand and unpack all of that. Because I think that what we're talking about is codependency in relationships. And actually the best, most functional relationships are interdependence. And. And I'd love to talk to you a bit about your husband, Brad, because when I met my now husband, I remember him saying this thing to me once where we had the chat where I was like, where's this going? And he said, well, I'm enjoying the time I spend with you. And I like the fact that we're walking along parallel lines and we're separate, but together. And he's like, and if that continues for a few weeks, a few months, or a lifetime, then that would be a great experience. And I was like, God, that's so unromantic. This is like date three.
Olivia Atwood
Olivia. I'm looking for matching tattoos.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah. I was like, why are we not running away to Rio?
Olivia Atwood
Yeah. Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
Because I was so used to being love bombed by narcissists.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
And just having my own agency stripped away from me. Whereas Justin gave me the chance to state what I wanted. Not only the chance, but, like, made me actually really, really evaluate that. And now I feel so supported and safe in that relationship. And we are independent and interdependent, and it's the best way of being. What's Brad like? What made him different?
Olivia Atwood
To be honest, it mirrors that quite a lot, Brad. You know, people know the story of our getting together. And untogether and everything like that. If I hadn't gone on Love Island, I don't think we would be together. I think that we had to kind of pull away for us both to get some perspective. Now with Bradley, he is the first male relationship, like, you know, dating relationship I've had where, like you just said with your relationship, he has his own thing, like, he has his own job, he has his own goals and I have mine, and he wants me to have them. Like Brad is when I, like, you know, the best decision I think anyone can ever make is, like, their life partner. Because when it. When it's wrong, it can be so terrible. But I think more so, like, for women, because society is not. Not. It's still harder for us to win, right?
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
So if the. If your literal co partner in life doesn't want you to win, what chance do you have? Like, if you're, you know, sitting there at home and you're going, oh, I didn't get that job, and. And your husband's going, well, you know, that's all right. You know, just do something else. Or they go, no, go back and kick that door down because you deserve that job. It makes a big difference. And I think not many men truly want to see their feel female partner, like, fly, like. And I know that's. That's really controversial because I think to have success, and also when you have success, like, in our industry, I call it, like, loud success. That my sister's, like, super successful, I'd argue more successful than me. She's, you know, what she does in a very corporate world. But it's not like our stuff's loud. It's like, you know, he can't turn on the telly or open a phone that's seeing my face, and then he has to live with me. That could become very jarring very quickly. I never had that before.
Elizabeth Day
So precious. And I think you'll bang on.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
I've definitely had exes who might claim to be supportive, but they're actually supportive in a very superficial way. It's like they're supportive of you showing up and looking nice when they need you to, but when you. Actually, I've had this direct experience when I wanted to make a career change, there was no support there whatsoever. It was just like, no, you can't do that. You need to stay small, essentially. And I think what you're identifying is generosity of spirit in both friendships and romantic partners. And it's so important. How did you get out of this pattern of outsourcing your sense of self to others, feeling like you needed someone else. Was it something that a bad relationship taught you? How did you work it out?
Olivia Atwood
I don't think it was an intentional thing. I think I, around the time of it, accepting to go on Love island. Because I turned Love island down twice. Right. For boyfriends.
Elizabeth Day
So chic. Oh, less chic.
Olivia Atwood
They were chasing me. I just, honestly, I flex such a knob every time I say that. But yeah, but I. And I turned it down momentarily for Brad. And then I realized that Brad and I weren't in quite the locked off monogamous situation I thought we were. And then I had a bit of a come to Jesus moment where I was like, what are you doing? You have to go and do something. Because I was in this area of doing things that scared me. So I was like, this is scary and I don't like it and I don't know what it's gonna be. And the easier thing would be to stay here again and just argue with this guy I'm seeing about why he's not treating me right or I can just like fully take control and go and do this thing and then whatever happens after happens. And I know Love Island's obviously quite a. An unusual example to, to make, but I think there's a situations in everyone's lives where they could have that kind of uncomfortable decision, Axle, where that one decision is going to change their whole life. And in terms of the relationships and what I then decided, I want different relationships. I feel like as humans we're hardwired to feel important on some level and to feel like we are good at something and people have value to us. And I think up until that point, because I didn't feel like I had any importance. And I don't mean importance, any egotistical center of I'm important. Because I went on Love Island, I meant like, I didn't feel important to myself, like, you know, in that sense. So I was like, once I came out of Love island and I started kind of organically like bleeding into this other TV work and I felt like I was good at it. It changed the way I felt about myself for the first time in the whole like 25 years I've been alive and then I think in turn it then changes what you expect from other people.
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
So I feel like if you can be a stay at home mom and you get genuine, you know, importance and you kind of validation from that, that's amazing. And that means that that's what you're meant to do. But for other people, I think that's why it can be a bit of a road of, like, misery because I think they feel, they lack that feeling of what is my thing, what's my meaning? Yeah, my purpose. And I feel like as I started to find that everything else just fel.
Elizabeth Day
Your authenticity shines through. Because actually, if you're unsure about something, you will take the audience along with you. And I think that's the other thing, is not pretending that you have all of the answers all the time.
Olivia Atwood
And I also think we're in such. It's like we're in such a set up to fail kind of world because. And I also make the think of always, you know, reminding everyone that I'm not perfect and I have rough edges and I will sometimes drink vodka and pass out face down in a gay club like you're. I'm not ever going to say to everyone like, I am this perfect pristine who makes the right decisions all the time. Because then when you do put a foot out of line, they're coming for you with pitchforks.
Jonathan Van Ness
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Olivia Atwood
I've been learning to throw a boomerang because this is the kind of thing that really gets the listeners engaged.
Jonathan Van Ness
You know, interviews with people who will make you smarter.
Olivia Atwood
Does the amount that you learn protect.
Elizabeth Day
You from cognitive decline?
Olivia Atwood
Can't people just listen to the show? Can't they just. Just enjoy A delightful treehouse full of information and I think I'm bleeding.
Jonathan Van Ness
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Olivia Atwood
Race the rudders.
Elizabeth Day
Race the sails. Race the sails.
Jonathan Van Ness
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Roger, wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution?
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Elizabeth Day
Let's get onto your second failure because I'm aware that I could natter to you all day and you've probably got places to go to, documentaries to present. Your second failure we've touched on it is your failure to care for yourself.
Olivia Atwood
When I had low, I don't like to use it, low self esteem, my feelings towards myself weren't positive and I think that was it. I was kind of like bobbing around in bad relationships. I didn't have the ADHD diagnosis. I didn't know why I found things harder than other people. And then I think as a result of that, when you're not. When you really don't love yourself, everything you do reflects that. So, like the way you eat, the way you prioritize sleep, if you exercise, all of that. Do you know what I mean? I just felt like prioritizing any form of wellness, which I know Gen Z are way better at than us was. Yeah. Not something I was actually worthy of, which. That sounds so deep, doesn't it?
Elizabeth Day
It does sound deep and I'm wondering where it comes from. Did it, I mean, did it come from your upbringing in the sense that those things. There's definitely. In this country there's a mentality of stiff upper lip and you get on with it and there's a lot to be said for that.
Olivia Atwood
Sometimes my mum always verbally would, you know, kind of talk to me especially like, you know, like taking care of myself and eating right and all those things. But I think like you say just the way in being a 90s kid, obviously you've got the stiff upper lip of like the Englishness and then my dad's German. So you, you put those two together and it's a real get on with it mentality. I mean, yeah, it's like lying in to my dad was like, my God, it's night. When my dad has a North American accent, just for clarity, he's like, my God, it's 9am this girl is like still asleep. So maybe there's a little bit of a. That kind of vibe. But I, I don't know. I think, I think it was more me. I think it was more my relationship with myself really seeing as we're talking.
Elizabeth Day
About the 90s and we can remember that very strange culture where much of it was really kind of liberating and great and it was ladettes and great music and all that. And then the other side of that was this like toxic media circle of shame looking at women's bodies, analyzing, criticizing them. How do you think that affected you? How did you feel about your appearance at this stage in your life?
Olivia Atwood
I think that probably influenced more than I realized that kind of failure to self care because like you say, I feel like the Ro. The sort of supermodel staying out all night partying. Nicole Richie kind of era was really glamorized. So kind of not taking care of yourself in that sense. If you flip it to now of what's like trendy, it's like everyone's obsessed with taking care of themselves and yeah, I think I was influenced by that in the sense that I wanted to, yeah, I wanted to like be cool and I wanted to be, be you know, being thin and smoking and drinking was all just things that were social currency that we knew held value, you know, which also had massive detrimental effects on our well being.
Elizabeth Day
How do you feel about your looks now?
Olivia Atwood
Good. Like I hesitated then because it's again, it's such a female British thing. I'm not going to say I think I look good because everyone's going to think I love myself. God forbid. No, I'm happy with the way I look. I, I've always been pretty consistently happy with the way I look and my body. Despite my feelings about myself, it was one thing that always stayed quite consistent. I, I never had any major hang ups. I think I was maybe too into my looks at different points because I, I really felt that was like the only thing that I had going. So any way that I could kind of in my eyes improve on that was really important. But I was naturally, I was lucky in the sense that I was, I was well, I say lucky. It was just a toxic mess. But I was tall and I was naturally really skinny. So in that era when everyone was just starving themselves, like I remember being at boarding school and I would be the one like eating the pile of toast in bed and like, you know, my dorm mates like you, you know, because they'd all be, yeah. Restricting what they ate which was, was something that was so normal around everyone my age and for those years and that it was something I didn't have to worry about too much. But also on the other hand of that, it's like, you know, when I did get too thin at times, it's like, you know, from again, just not looking after myself. It was something that was praised on rather than people going, oh, I don't know if it's healthy to be that thin. You know, it was something that is just interesting the way we approach things now. Whereas now I strive to be strong. Yeah, I'm in the gym lifting weights.
Elizabeth Day
Like, I love that you love weights.
Olivia Atwood
Can you imagine me doing that 15 years ago? I've been like, oh, my God, get out. Am I going to lift a weight?
Elizabeth Day
Well, the gym was really uncool.
Olivia Atwood
It was not cool. And if you were going, you're just going to run on a treadmill.
Elizabeth Day
Like, that's something that I discovered in my 30s and latterly I've got very into weights and that. I know that you love your weights and you're right that it's a kind of mental headspace as well. That's really important because I did years of fertility treatment and I felt like I lost control of my own body in a way. And being able to reinhabit my body feels so powerful. And weights and resistance training has given me that.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah, and everything. The fact that we've undermined the fact that women need skeletal muscle for so long is actually crazy as well because it's like our survivability against anything is better when we're stronger. You know, it's. And I, I really take like stock of that now. You know, I kind of. I wouldn't have cared if I missed a meal, you know, 10 years ago I'm like, whatever. Now I'm like, I. I would feel really guilty if I, you know, didn't eat enough protein in a day. I prioritize it, but it, like you say, it's, it's a mind shift.
Elizabeth Day
And what else do you do for your care now?
Olivia Atwood
I do everything. Honestly, like I said, weird, because I was actually on the phone, my agent this morning and she was like, there isn't. I've always been quite an extreme person. But there's, there's there's either like I say, like vodka and gay club till 5am or there's like hyper oxygen. There's literally. And I do the first one much less now. But I mean, I do, I do a lot of supplements. I work out like resistance training four to five times a week. I try and sleep more. I'm on the nad. Injections Dunno. Yeah, report back. But so far, feels.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah.
Olivia Atwood
Like, I don't know if it's placebo. I did hyperbaric oxygen actually over Christmas. My husband was doing it for his knee to help. To help with some recovery. So I was like jumping in there with him again. There's no exact way to measure these things, but I felt like I had more energy and I felt revitalized. And then everyone knows, like I'm, you know, I love a Medispa. I love an injectable, a facial, anything that. That's kind of new, you know, on the market, I'll give it a go to an extent.
Elizabeth Day
Are you a workaholic, do you think?
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
What do you think of that term? Because I think I am too, but I sort of want to reclaim it because I love work, so. Work is also my hobby, but I.
Olivia Atwood
Think you've just nailed it. I think, I think it's a privilege thing.
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah, of course. We're workaholics. Look what we do for a job. It's fucking awesome. Like, but then I think trying to like shame people for not being in love with their job is also just really gross. Like, it's really easy to go. Yeah. I'm obsessed with what I do, of course, because to me there isn't a real, like, there isn't a real cutoff point between a working day and a non working day. Because I'm actually always thinking of things. Like I'm always writing in my notes. Like sometimes, you know, even when it's like I'm off over Christmas, that's when I've got some best ideas or things that I want to research or think people I want to interview on the pod. Like. And you must do the same. You, you always be so. That to me is. Yeah, it's kind of obsessive, but I'm completely happy to be obsessed with this because I'm doing something that is. That I love. It doesn't feel like a job. But I don't think we should be thrusting that on people, you know, because some people it's just a way to survive and you put food on the table and that's fucking it. And that's also fine.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah.
Olivia Atwood
You know, are you competitive with myself?
Elizabeth Day
Okay.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah. Because I, I would say, yeah, I. I give myself a hard time. I don. I don't really look left or right. It's kind of internalized because sometimes if I'm. If I set these kind of little goals or. There's always a fear, isn't it, that you Know that things will kind of wean off so you kind of. It's like the little legs like a duck below the boat. You want to keep pushing forward. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or using the award winning app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Elizabeth Day
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Olivia Atwood
How fast are we talking? We're talking puzzle toys and lick pad. Delivered so fast you can get this puppy under control. Fast.
Elizabeth Day
Fast.
Olivia Atwood
We're talking chew toys at your door without really waiting.
Elizabeth Day
Fast.
Olivia Atwood
Keypads, cooling mat, peg, hammer, fast and fast. And those training T R E a t s faster than you can say sit fast. And now we can all relax and order these matching hoodies to get cozy and cute.
Elizabeth Day
Fast, fast.
Olivia Atwood
Free delivery. It's on Prime.
Elizabeth Day
Let's get on to your final failure, which is. It's a direct challenge issue to me, which is your failure to cry.
Olivia Atwood
I love that this is like me and you because you love to cry, don't you? I do.
Elizabeth Day
I love a good did cry. I cry very easily. I'd never met anyone who cries more than me until I met my husband.
Olivia Atwood
Oh my God, stop. Are you seriously serious?
Elizabeth Day
Like sometimes we go to the cinema and no doubt he cried. It was in floods at Wicked and I was like, am I now a.
Olivia Atwood
Hard hearted because my other failure should be failures. Just enjoy musicals.
Elizabeth Day
Oh my God, he loves a musical. I'm making him sound like he's a gay man. I was going to say that's actually ideal for me. I love that.
Olivia Atwood
To be fair, second to my husband, I would marry one of my gay friends. That would be my choice. So they probably wouldn't marry me. But yeah, yeah, I something. I don't think I really realized how I felt about it as much as I do in the last couple of years. Yeah, I don't. I have a really hard time with crying and I also have a really hard time with people crying. So please don't cry.
Elizabeth Day
I don't worry, I'm going to hold myself together. But did you not cry when you were a child? I mean, obviously as a baby.
Olivia Atwood
Maybe this is a. Maybe this is a. And like a knee jerk reaction to having spent so many years being so tearful and kind of anxious and all the rest of it. And I. I cried a lot in those. Some of those past relationships. Like, oh, my God, Like, I mean, cried myself until I could pass out. Cry, like as if someone had died, like over these breakups and these arguments. And I think maybe in this. This kind of era of my life that I'm in now, it. It does. It. Maybe it touches on something that I. I feel that I. I gonna go back to her. So I've kind of shut it. Like, I'm like, I don't like the way. Even though I cried a lot, to be fair, having said that, in. In those teenage 20 years, I still wasn't good at crying in front of.
Elizabeth Day
People because it makes you feel too vulnerable.
Olivia Atwood
Vulnerable, like just very exposed. I can't. It's a. It's a feeling that it's really hard to fully put into words. If I cry at home and my husband's there, I. I always run and I go into the duvet like a child, and he'll try and, like, pick me out from the duvet and will just. I don't almost. I'm happy for him to hug me and comfort me, but I couldn't just sit in front of him and kind of sob. But he. He's not a crier, but he's more in. I think he's more in touch of his emotions than, yeah, me.
Elizabeth Day
So when you are really upset or sad about something, is there a physical manifestation of it or do you just internalize it?
Olivia Atwood
Moody, probably. Like, yeah, like, I get like, moody, kind of shut down.
Elizabeth Day
I. To be honest, I know that you're saying all of this like it's. You think I will think that that's weird. I wish I was a bit more like that because I've definitely found myself in situations where I really want to make a point. Sometimes in work situations.
Olivia Atwood
And then you break down.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah. And I feel really like I can feel my chin wobble and my voice starts to wobble and I really don't like it. And I. I don't know how to stop it. I've got a bit better at being aware of it now. And I think what happens for me is that I immediately go back into a child self and I feel like I've lost my adult potency. And it sounds maybe like something similar is happening for you, but you're just dealing with it in a different way. Like, you're going. You don't want to go back to that younger self. And so you've got the strength of mind just to be able to shut it up off.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah. But I think that it's hard, isn't it, to be, to be a functioning human. Because I think there's a sweet spot, isn't there?
Elizabeth Day
Yeah.
Olivia Atwood
Because I almost fear that I've gone. I, I kind of, I would like to find a point. Do you know what it is, is I think about if, if and when I have children, which is something as I sit here right now, I think that I want, and I kind of, I would like to be able to show them a range of emotion that's more, more. That has more of a broad spectrum, you know, than, than kind of the one I have right now which I think is quite, quite stifled.
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
You know, my parents were not criers. Like I can. I've never seen my dad cry. And I could count on one hand the amount of times I've seen my mum cry. And I think it's not because. And they never spoke. Shame on people crying. But I just think that like I said that German, English, split in a family, it, it, we just, it's a very get on with it, you know, kind of thing. And I think maybe because I was a bit of a crybaby, you know, at school and I probably had that kind of buzz, met with that kind of irritation from teachers of, come on, Olivia, you know, let's get on with it. And then I had boyfriends who didn't have a very nurturing. I probably felt I faced quite a lot of rejection when I did show emotion. So then as an adult, I think I'm self protecting. And then what I've done is I think I then deflect people who are highly emotional all the time. I end up going, oh God, for God's sake. I'm like, I'm like that, you know, that kind of moody millennial person. Well, just because I'm emotionally constipated, you should be too. You know, I'm like, I. When people are really. I'm not saying I'd do this if you cried. I'd comfort you, but I'd probably find it quite uncomfortable.
Elizabeth Day
Okay.
Olivia Atwood
I'd probably be like, with like one finger.
Elizabeth Day
Like, would you think I was pathetic?
Olivia Atwood
Depends completely what it was.
Elizabeth Day
Okay. I'm not gonna cry.
Olivia Atwood
No, it's in this episode, I think one of my. I think I have a very astute. And I think I've always had this read on people and I think I all. I almost dramatically know that you're a genuine person. Like, I've watched your work for years, I've listened To you. I know that you are, you're not performative or, you know, so I, if you cried. But then I think I have a very good read on people that are, are performing.
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
And, and they cry as a, as a deflection tactic, as, as a theatrical and that I have, like, so little tolerance for. And I think that's why sometimes I came off quite cold in Love Island.
Elizabeth Day
Oh, I loved you on Love island.
Olivia Atwood
Because I was like, oh, shut up.
Elizabeth Day
Again, just like the kind of person I wanted to be but wasn't. It's like, no, no. Honestly. Also, I can't believe that about the ick that you basically introduced that I always get.
Olivia Atwood
So, I mean, I think I, I take full credit for bringing it into, like, UK pop culture, resurfacing it. I have been told by people that it did it feature early episode of Sex in the City. So the possibility that it was imprinted on my, like, early childhood memory while my mum was watching it in the background and I probably absorbed it. But yeah, me and my friends used to say it and I remember when I said it in the beach hut and the producer said, hold on, the what? And I said, it's got the ick. Because we used to say that as a friendship group. And she was like, what? What is that? And I was like, well, you don't know what the ick is. And then, yeah, I should have bloody trademarked that. Shouldn't have been. Yeah, that was the dumbest thing I've done.
Elizabeth Day
Legendary status. Can I ask you a really personal question which is about. So this whole crying vulnerability thing. Did you grow up in a family that named Emotions? Did you tell each other that you loved each other?
Olivia Atwood
No.
Elizabeth Day
Yeah, I, I, I have a very similar experience.
Olivia Atwood
So if, because I've just. My mum, if she was here, she'd be like, oh, you little liar. Because when we were kids, we as children, definitely, and it was so as. I don't know when it stopped, but as children it was right, you know, you did that the at the door sort of, you know, I didn't want a water and shout. Right. You know, get your water. Good night. Love you. Like we did that. And then I, I don't know at what point we kind of stopped doing that. And I, it's so funny because I, I have. Me and Brad were driving back from Manchester today and we got into this conversation and I guess I only noticed that my family don't do it once I became part of Brad's family and his family say love you all the Time. So any little phone call that's like, oh, we're five minutes away. Okay, love you. His mum is always like, his mum says to me a message, like, sure, my. His mom will send me a message and be like, I just saw you on Loose Women. I'm so proud of you. I love you. And the first couple of times it really, I was like, what?
Elizabeth Day
Like it was confronting.
Olivia Atwood
Oh, yeah, I don't know what to do. Like, what do you mean? Like, you love me? Like, I didn't know what to do with it. And. And I think that's what shone a light on the fact that my family don't do it as adults. And then I said to. To my. I said to Brad, I. I want to say to my parents that I love them, right? But I have this kind of fear. Fear that if I was to call them and say, I love you, they would probably think something was wrong with me while I was dying and I'd almost ruin their evening. Cause they'd probably be so. Do you know what I mean? But then I have this thing, and as life go and you lose people and things happen and you think, oh, you know, it'd be a real regret that if something happened and I hadn't, you know, told them how I feel, even though they probably know, because I think it's an unspoken thing. I know my parents love me. I don't have any doubt about that. We. We just don't verbalize it in that way as adults. And it is an uncomfortable thing for me. And I think when people tell me they love me, my reaction to it is, I think it's like, I'm like, oh, I'm like kind of disarmed by it.
Elizabeth Day
Yes.
Olivia Atwood
Do you say it with your family?
Elizabeth Day
No.
Olivia Atwood
Do you not. You say, yeah. It's more common than you think, isn't it?
Elizabeth Day
I think it is, actually. And I think also there's so much cultural fetishization of like the perfect quote unquote family and how they all are with each other. And in the same way that there has been about romantic relationships. And because we're all. Well, you and I, anyway. Although I know that you're younger than me, but. But were like bred on this diet of American rom com. But actually that wasn't the experience of a post war generation in Britain. It's like a totally different thing. But I go to the opposite extreme and I tell everyone I love them all the time.
Olivia Atwood
Do you?
Elizabeth Day
It's not my family. Even though, again, like you, I know that we do. We Just don't necessarily express it all of the time.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah, it's making me laugh because. Because, you know, if I was on the phone with my sister and we were having a good old chat and then I went, okay, I love you. She'd probably go, all right, freak. Like, what? Where's that come from? Because it's just we. We don't do that. Yes, it's funny, isn't it?
Elizabeth Day
Yeah, it is.
Olivia Atwood
But, like, you say this, like, younger generations are, like, psycho dissecting everything. And I also think there's a sweet spot with that because I think there's a really good thing to look at things that have happened in your childhood. And, yeah, people. People make mistakes. Your parents have made mistakes, you've made mistakes and, you know, hurt each other and vice versa. But also, in most cases, unless your parent is, like, pure evil, your parents done the best they could of what they had, and it's their first time living as being human beings as well. So I feel like we could cut each other a bit more slack now.
Elizabeth Day
If anyone else has said this. Failure, which is such a great one, by the way, I would ask that the last time they cried, but I'm very aware. I don't want to upset you, even though you wouldn't be upset because of everything we've spoken about, but that you came in and said that your nan had just died, and so I don't really want to bring that up, but that, I'm assuming, is the last time you cried.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah, that was. Yeah, so I. She. It was not. Isn't it weird when someone's elderly and they've not been well, and we love using this expression like, oh, well, you know, it wasn't out of the blue. It was kind of. We knew, was it. It was like, approaching. But then when it happens, it still is a shock and it was. I think I dealt with my emotions around, you know, losing my grandmother quite a lot over the last few months. I think what it was was thinking of my dad in pain, which I didn't. Like, I didn't. It made me feel sad. So my mum told me on the phone. I hung up. And then I just. Like, I was sitting on the end of my bed, actually, and then I just kind of laid back and I was like, oh. And so. But I was thinking about my dad being upset because, like I say, I've never seen my dad CR Guy. And I didn't like the idea of knowing that he was in pain and that made me sad. And then I cried and I Laid back on the bed and I. I just cried. But I don't know, it must have been. I thought, I'm laughing. See, this is how I deal with everything. I don't know, a few minutes. And I was really. I felt really sad thinking about it. He was. I knew he was out there in Germany and he'd be with his brothers and just kind of what that would look like. And then I just kind of. Kind of, literally, I kind of rose from the bed like some avatar and was like, right, I have stuff to do. I have stuff. I'm not. I. Because I. I also think, because I went through years in my 20s, like I said when I had these arguments of boyfriends, and I'd cry to the point where I could. Like, literally, I wouldn't be sick. You know, that kind of sobbing where you're like, I do. If I do cry now, I kind of pull the cord on myself. Like, I don't. I. I don't let it. Because you can just go off a cliff edge, can't you? And I did have loads to do yesterday. That stuff that I couldn't, Couldn't just, you know, I had to get on with stuff. I was on, like a time limit.
Elizabeth Day
You're a boundaries crier.
Olivia Atwood
And I felt I was. I thought. You know what I thought. I've actually. I do feel like I've let it out, feel a little bit lighter. And I felt sad for the rest of the day and I had the sadness and my husband was, like, very sweet to me because he knew I was sad and I was quieter, but that was like. Yeah, I felt like I'd kind of. Yeah, I was. I dealt with it.
Elizabeth Day
I'm so sorry for you and your family's life.
Olivia Atwood
Thank you very much.
Elizabeth Day
And I've really, really adored chatting to you.
Olivia Atwood
Oh, likewise.
Elizabeth Day
It has been such a privilege.
Olivia Atwood
I've loved it. I could have talked to you forever and I want to. I know we said it off. Off camera, we've met in the corridor, but I want to say thank you again for your support over the years, because it hasn't gone unnoticed and it's. No, it's meant a huge amount to me, honestly. I do mean that. Go on. I'm a big fan of you.
Elizabeth Day
That means so much to me. Thank you. And always and forever.
Olivia Atwood
And I think it's because you're smart. You get it.
Elizabeth Day
Thank you.
Olivia Atwood
And the people that don't get it is because they don't. You don't get it. Looking at human behaviours, it's fascinating.
Elizabeth Day
It's fascinating.
Olivia Atwood
It's so fascinating watching humans interact.
Elizabeth Day
Thank you. It's anthropology. It's like connection, all of that. Yeah. People are just so dismissive because and very often I find the harshest critics have never watched a single minute of reality tv.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
This is a whole other conversation. Yes, it is.
Olivia Atwood
Yeah.
Elizabeth Day
We'll put a pin in it for now. You're going to stay to do Failing with Friends.
Olivia Atwood
I will, yeah.
Elizabeth Day
And I just want to say thank you so much again for being Olivia Atwood. Thank you for coming on how to Fail. Please do follow how to Fail to get new episodes as they land on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Please tell all your friends this is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment original podcast podcast. Thank you so much for listening.
Release Date: March 19, 2025
Host: Elizabeth Day
Guest: Olivia Attwood
This episode of How To Fail features writer, presenter and former Love Island star Olivia Attwood. Renowned for coining the term “the ick” and her unapologetically honest persona, Olivia explores three personal failures that have defined her personal and professional growth:
From childhood anxieties and ADHD to the evolution of her career and the pressures of public scrutiny, Olivia brings a blend of dry wit and emotional candor. The conversation traverses friendship, fame, body image, family dynamics, and embracing imperfection.
(04:12 – 07:05)
Early Anxieties: Olivia recounts her childhood in Surrey, marked by shyness, anxiety, and discomfort with attention, stemming in part from dyslexia and later a diagnosis of ADHD.
Masked ADHD: She describes her ADHD as “the classic high overachieving female who overcompensates” and notes the added pressure on young women to be socially acceptable.
“Society is less kind to us when we are annoying and breaking things and falling out of trees than they are to men and boys.” (06:07, Olivia Attwood)
Growing Comfortable in the Spotlight: A pivotal shift occurred when Olivia found ways to control and direct the attention she received, as opposed to feeling helpless when singled out.
(08:41 – 09:49)
“It got me away from a really shitty, horrible boyfriend. Like, physically gave me distance...” (09:05, Olivia Attwood)
(09:51 – 22:26)
Emotional Dependency: Olivia discusses a lifelong habit of clinging to others—parents, friends, then boyfriends—as “emotional crutches.”
“My parents, my mum did a really good job… but what I did was I just replaced that crutching on a parent… to friendships and then boyfriends.” (10:56, Olivia Attwood)
People-Pleasing & Self-Effacement: She admits to shape-shifting in relationships, adapting herself to match partners at the expense of knowing her own needs.
“If I dated a guy that was a rocker… I’m wearing skinny jeans, the hair’s going dark… Then I’m dating a guy that’s really sporty—I’m sporty… I would go in to fit them, never to fit me.” (14:05, Olivia Attwood)
Impact on Friendships: Olivia’s long-standing friendship with Charlotte highlights the value of female friends who are not competitive and want to see each other win.
Breakthrough via Independence & Career: Only by stepping into her own purpose—accepting Love Island, building a TV career—did she begin to feel “important to myself” and recalibrate her self-worth.
Host Parallel: Elizabeth Day shares her own journey of codependency in relationships and the liberating discovery of interdependence with her now husband.
“I outsourced my sense of self to other people… and I just didn’t know who I was. I was too scared to find out.” (13:25, Elizabeth Day)
(25:16 – 33:17)
Neglect & Self-Esteem: During years of low self-esteem and undiagnosed ADHD, Olivia wasn’t eating well or prioritizing wellness, echoing the “stiff upper lip” mentality of her upbringing.
“When you really don’t love yourself, everything you do reflects that...” (25:28, Olivia Attwood)
90s Pressures: The 90s “ladette culture” glamorized unhealthy lifestyles; being thin, partying, and not taking care of oneself were social currencies.
“Being thin and smoking and drinking was all just things that were social currency that we knew held value...” (27:35, Olivia Attwood)
Body Image: Despite exterior confidence, Olivia admits she sometimes “over-invested” in her looks, feeling that “it was the only thing I had going.”
Shifting Approach to Wellness: Now, Olivia prioritizes weights, nutrition, sleep, and “biohacking” tools. She describes herself as “either vodka and a gay club till 5am, or there’s like hyperbaric oxygen… supplements... Medispa... facials.”
“I’ve always been quite an extreme person. But there’s either... vodka and gay club till 5am or there’s like hyper oxygen.” (30:58, Olivia Attwood)
Workaholism: Both Olivia and Elizabeth discuss “reclaiming” the word workaholic, noting that loving one’s work is a privilege but not to be expected or demanded of everyone.
Self-Competition: Olivia mostly competes with herself, setting her own goals and pushing forward.
(34:47 – 44:58)
Struggles with Vulnerability: Olivia describes difficulties crying or witnessing others cry. Childhood and early adulthood were tearful, but now she finds it uncomfortable and “stifled.”
“I have a really hard time with crying and I also have a really hard time with people crying. So please don’t cry.” (35:24, Olivia Attwood)
Family Context: Olivia grew up in a family that was loving but reserved—“you just get on with it… I’ve never seen my dad cry.”
Processing Emotion: Olivia internalizes sadness, sometimes expressing it as moodiness rather than tears, worrying that excessive crying would let her slip “off a cliff edge”—a hangover from years of emotional turmoil in her 20s.
Cultural Shifts: They discuss how younger generations now dissect feelings more, and the value—and limits—of analyzing family patterns.
(41:00 – 41:40)
On ADHD Masking:
“Women… try to be socially acceptable because society is less kind to us when we are annoying and breaking things… than they are to men and boys.”
— Olivia Attwood (06:07)
On Gaining Independence via Grid Girl Work:
“It got me away from a really shitty, horrible boyfriend. Like, physically gave me distance…”
— Olivia Attwood (09:05)
On Codependency in Relationships:
“I would constantly, like, shape shift to whoever had come in and kind of wooed me… I would go in to fit them, never to fit me.”
— Olivia Attwood (14:05)
On Recognizing True Friendship:
“To have a true friend is like someone that genuinely… wants you to win. There’s no conditions.”
— Olivia Attwood (15:24)
On Seeking Permission to Be Herself:
“I didn’t feel important to myself… once I came out of Love Island and I started bleeding into other TV work, I felt like I was good at it. It changed everything.”
— Olivia Attwood (21:35)
On 90s Cultural Pressures:
“Being thin and smoking and drinking was all just things that were social currency that we knew held value, which… had massive detrimental effects on our well being.”
— Olivia Attwood (27:35)
On Loving Her Work:
“Of course, we’re workaholics! Look what we do for a job. It’s fucking awesome…”
— Olivia Attwood (32:16)
On Emotional Boundaries:
“I don’t let it… because you can just go off a cliff edge, can’t you?… If I do cry now, I kind of pull the cord on myself.”
— Olivia Attwood (47:24)
On Saying “I Love You”:
“If I was to call them and say I love you, they would probably think something was wrong with me or I was dying and I’d almost ruin their evening.”
— Olivia Attwood (43:12)
The episode is a rich, funny, and revealing exploration of Olivia Attwood’s journey from self-doubt to self-assurance, and from dependency to independence. She and Elizabeth Day dissect friendship, boundaries, culture, and gender, making space for candid admissions about success and struggle. Olivia’s willingness to embrace “failures” as learning data, her sharp humour, and the vulnerability she brings—however “constipated”—make this a standout conversation on the real work of becoming yourself.
For more on Olivia Attwood, Elizabeth Day, and the show, follow How To Fail with Elizabeth Day wherever you get your podcasts.