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- [00:00]
Heather Bonaparte
This is an iHeart podcast.
- [00:04]
Joel
If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know we care a lot about being intentional with our money and that includes how we give it away.
- [00:11]
Matt
That is why we are big fans of Daffy, which is a modern donation platform and app for charitable giving that is also a donor advised fund, which means you can contribute cash, stock, ETFs or even crypto. You take the tax deduction right away and then send the money to over one and a half million charities, schools and other faith based organizations whenever you want with the funds that you've already set aside.
- [00:35]
Joel
I've personally been using it to send recurring donations for causes I really care about like my church and a local nonprofit called Blueprint 58.
- [00:43]
Matt
Same here. Yeah, I've got recurring donations going to my kids school. DAFY also keeps your receipts organized for tax season. But the best part is DAFI itself is a nonprofit with a mission to help people to be more generous more often. So if you want a better system for your giving, head to Daffy.org howtomoney and for a limited time you'll even get $25 to give to the charity of your choice. Visit Daffy.org howtomone today.
- [01:10]
Joel
Hey, it's Joel and Matt from how to Money. I was just in Seattle, Matt, and honestly, it's one of the greatest cities in the world. Particularly in the summer. I went on this run by the water. We hopped a ferry across Puget Sound. Just an unforgettable trip.
- [01:23]
Matt
That's what struck me. What seems normal to a homeowner? It can be the thing that makes a guest trip really special.
- [01:29]
Joel
Which is why hosting your home on Airbnb makes sense, right? Travelers are looking for those authentic, memorable spaces and if you don't have time to manage all that well, Airbnb's Co host feature makes it easy. A local co host can help with everything from creating the listing to keeping your place running smooth.
- [01:45]
Matt
Find a co host@airbnb.com host I love entrepreneurship. I have been a small business owner for almost 20 years now, but it is tough to separate work from life. The business can be on your mind 24 7. So when you are hiring you need a partner that works just as hard as you do. And that hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs. LinkedIn makes it easy to post your job for free, share it with your network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place.
- [02:12]
Joel
Here's how it works. Post your job for free or you can pay to promote share with your network you can let your network know that you're hiring. You can even add a hiring frame to your profile picture and. And get two times more qualified candidates. So post your job for free@LinkedIn.com howtomoney that's LinkedIn.com howtomoney to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome to how to Money. I'm Joel, and today I'm asking the question, can love survive a budget with Doug and Heather Bonaparte? So figuring out your money is tough enough if you're flying solo. Doing it with your partner ramps up the difficulty level because you're throwing in varied money history, habits, and goals into the equation, it can create a lot of friction. So my guest today, they have a lot of great advice for couples looking to do better with their finances and to create a team vibe with their partner. So if you looked up the definition, I think, of power couple in the dictionary, you might just see a picture of Doug and Heather Bonaparte next to it. Doug has built his own successful financial advisor firm while simultaneously tweeting hilarious memes. And Heather is a former corporate attorney. She's the director of business affairs for that firm, Bona fide wealth. And they've written a fabulous new book called Money Together. Doug and Heather, thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast.
- [03:47]
Doug Bonaparte
Well, thanks for having us.
- [03:48]
Heather Bonaparte
We're so excited to be here.
- [03:50]
Joel
It's going to be a lovely conversation. The first question I have for anybody who comes on the show is, what do you like to splurge on? What's your craft beer equivalent? I know you guys are being smart. You're saving and investing for the future, but what are you blowing money on in the meantime?
- [04:04]
Heather Bonaparte
I like to splurge on probably clothes and fashion, but then on a, on the family front, we've really, like, our kids are now nine and six, and we've just aged into, like, our vacation era. Like, we really didn't want to spend a lot of money on vacations when the kids were younger because they, one, they have no idea what's going on. Two, it's a lot more work. It's more like just, you know, just doing the family stuff somewhere else. But now, like, we all really enjoy it. So I would say vacations are even more important than probably anything else we're spending money on right now. Right?
- [04:37]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah. I'm aligned on the vacation side. This is really where I'd like to spend the most money creating those experiences. So good job there on being a lionhead, but don't lie. No, no. I'm Gonna get selfish with it. I'll go with my look. I'm a collector, a habitual one at that. I'm that 90s kid that was collecting things, you know, throughout my entire life. And right now, what I am collecting is tequila. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So that truly would be your craft beer equivalent there. Right? So tequila. I've been stuck in that space for at least two or three years now, and I do not see myself getting out of it. I am a little intimidated by how many bottles need to be consumed at this point to actually, like, get through it. So. Good. Good job, Doug.
- [05:19]
Joel
So, okay, so what attracts you to tequila? And are you, like, going for high end, fancy labels? And are you. I guess this is a question. Do you ever adulterate it and make a margarita with that tequila? Or is this. No way. This is like you sip it by.
- [05:34]
Heather Bonaparte
Itself now, Joel, are you sure we're going to get to talk about. We'll get there today because you just opened up a huge can of worms, Doug.
- [05:42]
Doug Bonaparte
Right? Yeah. The next 15 minutes is brought to you by Agave. These are awesome questions. Yes, I will make a margarita, and you obviously will use, you know, a certain type of tequila to do that. But the great part about tequila is you don't need to spend a whole ton of money to drink really good tequila. There are 30, 40, $50 bottles that you can buy. They're absolutely wonderful. But I am usually sipping it like my blancos, probably more than anything else, although aged. And the anejos are wonderful, too. We could talk about this for hours and hours, but yeah, look, there are some bottles in there.
- [06:21]
Heather Bonaparte
What's the most important thing?
- [06:23]
Doug Bonaparte
The most important thing, guys, for anyone trying to drink tequila, is that it is additive free, right? You got three ingredients, right? It's water, yeast, and cooked agave. That is it.
- [06:34]
Joel
Okay, what about Mezcal?
- [06:35]
Doug Bonaparte
I haven't gone down that road yet. Like, I feel like the bourbon drinker is to rye, you know, and your scotch drinkers go super peaty like that. Is the tequila drinker trying to elevate, you know, their experience into Mezcal? I'm not a big, smoky guy. Lots of appreciation for it. Great in a cocktail if you want that smoky, you know, agave flavor, but not. Not what I'm sipping on. I'm usually looking for a high proof or a nice blanco.
- [07:01]
Joel
Okay, good news. Good. It's good to know. Let's. Let's talk about couples and money because I could ask you more questions about tequila, but we'll stop here. Tell me A little bit about your own relationship to money, maybe individually, and then what it was like to bring that history together when you got married. I think that's often one of those things where you talk about a lot of things as a couple pre marriage. And money might be one of those things that doesn't get talked about as much as it should.
- [07:25]
Heather Bonaparte
Oh yeah. I admittedly had a very unhealthy relationship with money growing up. I'm an only child and grandchild on both sides of my family. My parents divorced right as I entered my teenage years, and it really impacted just my perception of not only wealth, but just of money in general. A real picture of scarcity was painted for me for a while there in those teenage years and also from my father's side of the family, who came from wealth. And money was kind of viewed as a tool. Money was used to buy loyalty and to give money was to show love, and to withhold money was to withhold love. And those are some, those are some deep messages to carry into adulthood. You know, pair that with graduating law school in the midst of the Great Recession. You know, I had chosen, you know, to go to law school because it felt like a responsible thing to do. It felt like my path to financial independence was to earn as much money as I can in a high paying career and kind of like search for that, search for that exit from, from those family structures, at least emotionally. Right. But that's not what happened. The decision kind of flew back in my face and I graduated law school with six figures of student loan debt and a ton, ton of shame. And so carrying all of those feelings and money, scripts and emotions and. Yeah, shame and into our adult relationship. You know, when I say adult relationship, I talk about the time that Doug and I really began to discuss marriage and settling down and having kids and starting our adult lives together. I mean, we knew each other long before that. But when you really start to talk about coming together, merging your lives together, talking about joint and shared goals, like, you really have to start to do the work to unpack some of this stuff. Right.
- [09:29]
Joel
And when shame is there, it can be so difficult. It can, it can be an inhibitor to those conversations. I'm curious where, where that shame come from and maybe came from and then how that impacted your ability to kind of merge finances and, and come up with a cohesive strategy together.
- [09:45]
Heather Bonaparte
Sure. You know, the shame came from feeling like choosing an expensive law school was, that was a huge mistake. It was a huge financial regret for me. And I started to feel like not Only was I not worthy of success, but I wasn't worthy of happiness and that I was, in fact, worthless. And those feelings were reinforced by the labor environment that I entered into. I spent some time in private practice at a law firm. Being a young woman in corporate law is difficult enough as it is now. Tried doing it, you know, following in the years of the Great Recession and being underpaid, overworked. You know, all these messages together kind of set you up to not really being the most empowered around the financial decisions that you've made. And I think that that's one of the toughest things, is looking back at that time and being like, wow, I truly felt so stuck. I had. I really did not believe one. I didn't have any control, any financial control at that time, like staring at that giant student loan balance. But I also didn't think I was worthy of making financial decisions. I really didn't. I was like, well, you messed up. This is the lot you made for yourself, and you're going to pay for it for the rest of your life. And that sounds really heavy, but it really felt that heavy at the time.
- [11:09]
Joel
Doug, where were you coming from? And what's it like to enter into a relationship with someone who's kind of feeling all those things?
- [11:16]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah, Heather pointed out we've been together for a very long time. I mean, I'm here for everything, she said. We met as freshmen in college when we were 18 and 19. So I was along for the ride here. And just give you a little bit of background as far as where I was coming from. I was the son and grandson of serial entrepreneurs. There was this lesson of always investing in yourself and you could go out there and build something. I watched my dad do it. I saw my grandfather do it, and that was a really awesome thing to experience. My brother and I started businesses of fixing computers, selling things on ebay. When it came around, we were kind of born with the hustle and taught that that's a good thing. As much as there was a lot of good parts of that, there was also some bad parts. We learned valuable lessons through what it's like to overextend yourself, what happens when there's too much risk on the table, particularly through that 2008, 2009 period as I was working with my father. And I think a lot of it also backfired on me in that, hey, you're going to just work in family business. My father worked with his father, and therefore, it was kind of assumed I would work with my father and you know, that. That blinded a person from, well, what do I really want? You know, all paths led me to leave my family business and go to New York City to be with Heather and have us kind of figure it out. And here we are in 2008 and nine. You know, her with multiple six figures in student loan debt. Me coming up to New York figuring, like, hey, we'll figure out how to make our lives work together. I go to business school and take on another six figures in student loan debt. Because at this point, like, why not? You know, I was very much committed to us, you know, taking these next steps in our lives.
- [12:58]
Joel
What's another 100k?
- [12:59]
Doug Bonaparte
You know, what's another hundredk when she's got 300,000, you know, also a problem solver.
- [13:05]
Heather Bonaparte
I think that's. That's what he really gets at here, is that Doug was someone who viewed problems as challenges to overcome. And I viewed it as, like, crippling. I didn't know how to be nimble. But the background that he came from, he only knew how to be nimble. Right.
- [13:21]
Joel
So was that. What was that like then? Was that like a breath of fresh air for you, Heather, or was that like, more debilitating?
- [13:28]
Heather Bonaparte
It was difficult. Honestly, it was difficult because I felt like on one hand, he couldn't possibly understand. He also never really worked in a corporate setting before. So this was something that was a point of friction for us for many years. You know, when he's never had that experience, it's like, sure, you can approach, you know, you can approach my situation with a bit of naivete about, like, oh, just go in and tell the partner that, you know, he's a jerk and that.
- [13:54]
Doug Bonaparte
I think it was less of, less of that and more back to the, like. I knew Heather had done well in law school and had equipped herself with a, you know, vast amount of knowledge that would serve her well. And I think it's, you know, short term thinking versus long term thinking that's, you know, the entrepreneur thinks, you know, in it plays long games. Right. Everything I was doing was going to be a slow and long grind to get there. And that's not to say Heather lacks, you know, the ability to think that way, is that when you're thrusted into the environment in which she did and you're standing down, staring down the barrel of student loan debt of that size, it is extremely difficult for me to say, hey, you've made a great investment in yourself. It's going to take time to pan to pay off. When you're Carrying that shame and you're carrying the regret of the decisions you made in that three year period of time of going to law school and graduating in the recession.
- [14:48]
Heather Bonaparte
Well, a very intelligent CFP we interviewed for the book had said that shame is not a funk. Shame is a fog. It's fear, obligation, and guilt. And it's so sometimes blinding that you just cannot see more than a foot in front of your face. And that truly was me. And that was the difference between Doug and I during that time. Yeah, sure, he had that long term thinking, but my judgment was so clouded by the fog of the shame that I was in that there was just no way for me to see past it for a while.
- [15:20]
Doug Bonaparte
But we did.
- [15:21]
Joel
Yeah. Tell me if I'm wrong. My guess is that sometimes maybe, Heather, it was hard to even put your finger on the fact that you were feeling shame, like it was guiding a lot of your decision making processes and was guiding some of those relational dynamics. But you're like, I can't call it shame. I don't realize that's what it is. And I think that's the unobserved reality that's directing a lot of people's lives, especially in how they handle money.
- [15:40]
Heather Bonaparte
I will tell you this. I had never used the word shame to describe my mid to late twenties until I started interviewing experts for this book. And when somebody said shame to me, I started, I started to cry in.
- [15:54]
Joel
An interview with experts and shines a spotlight on it. And you're like, that's what it was.
- [16:00]
Heather Bonaparte
I still say it. And I wrote it in the book. I said, when, when they said this to me, the shame washed over my body again.
- [16:10]
Joel
Yeah. Doug, I'm curious. You are a financial planner. How much have you learned about the relational dynamics of money as you've worked with clients? Because a lot of people assume financial advisor, he's helping me pick the right funds to be in. But you're so much more of a coach in so many ways. What's. What does that look like and what have you learned from that?
- [16:31]
Doug Bonaparte
Oh, yeah, it goes well beyond just the investment piece. Right. You have so many areas that we focus on from cash management all the way through estate planning. But at the end of the day, as much as you're writing great financial plans and walking clients through it, you're trying to connect to them on a human level and figure out how you can help them make the best decisions for themselves as humanly possible. 1. I gotta give credit to any couple that's coming to the table of a financial Professional to engage in planning. A lot of the things we hope to accomplish in this book get carried out through meeting with your advisor, regularly, putting down a plan and implementing the recommendations that are designed to help them get to the goals that they have. But financial planning is not a cure all. When you have people coming in with a predisposition in their relationship or more importantly, in themselves, they have yet to discover their own identity with money. So they're incapable of working together with their partner to play the team game. They haven't even done the individual sport yet. So I see that a lot in practice. And over 20 years I've seen it all, right, from couples who, you know, you have the silent partner at the table who says nothing, is distracted, maybe they're on their phone and just they're not participating. And you as a professional are really wondering why. There's a lot of professionals who won't even touch that with a ten foot pole. As long as one person, as long as the decision maker is listening, they're going to continue, you know, going down that path. And that will backfire later on in the client relationship. And more importantly, it will not create a team that is required to get to the joint goals that hopefully people have together all the way over to the positive sides where people are building up their ability to, to understand each other and sort out their pre existing feelings. Therefore being able to talk about their joint goals and the things that they want for themselves and start playing the team game that will never end. That's the crazy thing about money together, pun intended, is that you don't get to win the game. You just get to play different versions of the game, maybe a different level, and they don't stop from literally birth to death. So figuring out how to play it is going to be extremely important. If you want happiness, if you want fulfillment, if you want to feel like you have enough, which we definitely touch on in the book.
- [18:56]
Heather Bonaparte
Let me say this one thing. I think one of the most humbling experiences that actually led to our decision to write this book and to study this and to really spend the time we have on it was that when we overcame, and I put that in quotes, my student loan debt, right, we overcame a lot of my issues. We were able to do like really jumpstart our adult lives and do the things we wanted to, buy that house in the suburbs, have children, get married, all that stuff, for a minute there we thought we had it all figured out. We thought we won that game and we thought that we were set, you know, and Then guess what happened? Life happened. The next challenge came right.
- [19:35]
Joel
It's like what David Brooks calls the second mountain, right? Yeah, it's that next. It's that next hill to climb.
- [19:41]
Heather Bonaparte
And I think that so many. It's so easy to focus on, especially like in a world of like self optimization. And there's so many articles and books and experts that come out here and say these, you know, do this one thing and you've won or do this one thing and I can guarantee you this.
- [19:59]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah, it's the survivorship bias type stuff.
- [20:03]
Heather Bonaparte
We wanted to show you that life is so uncertain that we don't really know what's going to happen next. None of us do. We want to help you prepare for whatever happens next.
- [20:16]
Joel
I want to dig in on the individual thing that Doug was just hitting on. And actually, Heather, you said at one point, not in this conversation, but it's something you wrote. You said too often financial advice treats couples as a unit, but you're still an individual. And Doug, you just mentioned something really similar along those lines and how both people bringing something to the table matters and financial advisors who gloss over that and just deal with the decision maker can. You're actually gonna. It's a mistake. You're stepping on a rake. So why is that so important to remember when we're discussing financial advice for couples? Like the individual nature? Two people coming together to, you know, as a, as a unit.
- [20:53]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah, that's why the COVID of the books, a Venn diagram. Right. There are portions that are individually and, you know, distinctly yours and then there's the area in which you're sharing together. But let me drill down on that for just a moment here again, your ability to play a team game requires that you have perspective of your. It requires that you're able to understand how they think and feel about money. So that when you start to put your ideas and the way that you feel and think about money on the table, that you're just not, you know, smashing your head against the wall and you're not getting any progress here. It shapes the things you say, the way you do things, when you have that perspective. So taking it a step back from there, you can't even get to that point, as I mentioned previously, without first understanding yourself, you know, how you feel and think about money. So it's that two step process to get ultimately to a point where, all right, we can share in ideas because we have perspective of one another and more importantly, an idea of where we come from.
- [21:58]
Heather Bonaparte
And also looking forward, I think this is incredibly important because one of the main goals of this book is to find greater fairness and equity in the household, because that's how we're going to find greater equity out in the world is particularly for women, I think it's really important to not be subsumed by your partner in your career and your life and your goals and your dreams. And so it is important to remind people that what you want matters. What you want as an individual matters too. And regardless of who is earning more income. Right. That's an incredibly important concept. So it's just as important one. Yeah. That we understand each other's past, but that we hold onto those pieces of our dreams for our future that truly matter to us. Because when we talk about not only building fairer, sustainable relationships, we're also talking about holding onto those things that we each want. So, you know, one of the questions that we asked, we asked all the couples that we interviewed for the book was, do you have enough? And we wanted them to answer individually, not together. And it was very interesting to hear those answers, I'm sure.
- [23:11]
Joel
Did you have one person in the relationship say yes, and the other one's like, no? And so, like, they have no mind meld on that? You too?
- [23:20]
Doug Bonaparte
Heather and I had differing answers when someone flipped it back around on us.
- [23:25]
Heather Bonaparte
And why that's so important is because it helps you then gained some insight into where your partner's at with. With something with. With such an important concept as your own personal contentment with your lot in life. Like, for Doug spent almost 20 years to reach this. This point in his career that he is so content with and, like, proud. Proud of where he's at. And I spent the first 10 years of my career kind of like, just digging myself out of this hole of shame. I'm not there yet. This book and this project and this work is bringing me closer to my. Enough than I've ever have. But us answering that question. And Doug knows how important this is to me, but only because we've had those conversations.
- [24:11]
Doug Bonaparte
Like I mentioned, perspective of your partner, me having that perspective of Heather shows me that while I may be content with what I have done in my career, and I know I'll continue to grow and I've done things that I've dreamt of doing. This is all great stuff. Is it really great if she, my partner, is not getting close to feeling the same way I do? And that perspective. Right. And that understanding has reshaped how I view my business, how I view time outside of my business as a father as her partner. There is now a different picture than there was in the first 17 years of doing this. And now we are together here envisioning something that brings us again together, around a shared vision. Look how much individual play and identity got us to, needed to be dealt with, uncovered, workshopped, thought out, therap, you know, whether it's therapy or just conversations, whatever you need to do ultimately to get to a point where now we're playing a different team game. So we didn't, you know, we thought we had it figured out for a little while. Life happened, you know, man plans, God laughs. That's the expression. And here we are, you know, in that next phase. Sure, it's in the form of maybe writing a book, but joining each other in business and thinking about, you know, the vacations that we want to take our children on to celebrate the fruits of our labor, all of these things.
- [25:41]
Joel
Are there any introspective questions that you think individuals should be asking and that couples then should come back together and ask each other to kind of dig into some of these issues that maybe have been or remained unexplored?
- [25:55]
Heather Bonaparte
Well, yes, we do pose.
- [25:57]
Doug Bonaparte
Glad.
- [25:57]
Heather Bonaparte
You should ask eight to 10 questions at the end of each section of our book that will really. And some of the questions, again, like back to this idea, they're as much self work as they are couples work. And so we even suggest to readers of the book that it's really up to you whether you want to be answering these questions for yourself and then you bring them to your partner, or whether you want to sit there, Oprah Winfrey style, and interview one another and try and elicit those answers from one another. It really depends on personal preference. But yes, there's an endless number of questions because communication, above all else is what you really need to reach this higher understanding of one another.
- [26:38]
Doug Bonaparte
I think our goal is that as you read the book, you will find yourself in it. You will find yourself, or you will find your partner. And you will be compelled to bring that sentence, that paragraph, that chapter, that section to another person and say, this is me, this is you. And before you know it, you're automatically talking about that. And then you'll probably read the question, say, hey, I asked four of these based on the stories that we read, based on the conversations that were elicited from a particular section, chapter, or sentence that you came across. And I think that's one of the most beautiful parts of this book, is finding yourself and finding your partner in it so you can have those conversations that you may be struggling to have or didn't know you even needed to have. They definitely need to take place in order for you to find that fairness that everyone deserves to have because it leads to happiness. And probably one of the number one things we should be looking for in our lives is to be happy.
- [27:34]
Joel
I love that you said that because I think ignorance can feel like bliss, but it's actually better and you will gain more happiness going through maybe some of these hurdles. I've got more questions I want to get to with you. I want to talk about conflicts and I want to to get to some practical questions too about how this actually plays out in reality with like, okay, how do you combine lives when one of the one of the partners coming into the relationship with significant amounts of debt? So we'll talk about stuff like that right after this break. My how time flies 2025. It's going to be gone before we know it. But before it's gone, there's a lot of life to live right, including kid activities, the holiday get togethers and a whole lot more. All this activity though, can cause us to put off tasks on our to do list. But juggling a million plans shouldn't mean your future doesn't make your to do list. Trust and Will turns estate planning from a When I have time task into a quick, straightforward process ensuring you're protecting your family's future. And Today go to trustandwill.com howtomoney to get 20% off their simple, secure and expert backed estate planning services. That's right.
- [28:47]
Matt
It makes me think you mentioned kids, Joel. I might be done having kids at this point, but my friends, my neighbors, they aren't. I've got family members who have a fresh baby at home as well, and it is such an amazing season of life. But those changes should also bring about a reassessment of whether or not you've got your estate planning ducks all in a row. Trust and Will makes it simple and straightforward. Their easy to use website is simple to navigate and plus all your information, all your documents, they are securely stored with bank level encryption.
- [29:16]
Joel
Add some peace of mind to your future. With Trust and will go to trustandwill.com howtomoney for 20% off. That's 20% off@trustandwill.com howtomoney. As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that works just as hard as you do. That hiring partner is LinkedIn jobs when you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. LinkedIn makes it easy to post your job for free, share it with your network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place.
- [29:48]
Matt
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- [30:23]
Joel
Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com howtomoney that's LinkedIn.com howtomoney to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply.
- [30:31]
Matt
We care a lot about being intentional with our money. That is why we use Daffy, a giving app that makes it easy to organize donations like the ones I send.
- [30:40]
Joel
To my kids school or the recurring ones I have to give to my church and to a local mentoring organization called Blueprint 58. And because Daffy is also a donor advised fund, you can set aside cash, stock, ETFs or crypto. You can take the tax deduction right away and support charities anytime with every receipt already organized. So visit Daffy.org HowToMoney today and for a limited time get $25 to give to the charity of your choice. That's Daffy.org HowTomoney all right, we're back. Still talking with Doug and Heather Bonaparte. We're talking about love and budgeting and whether the two can coexist and really what it looks like to have a healthy relationship on the money front and how that involves so much more than just money. And Heather, we talked about your student loan debt. You, you share a personal student loan refinance story in the book. And I remember talking to a friend who said had just gotten married and he was like, yeah, my wife's student loan debt, like really soon after they got married, she's got to pay off her student loan debt. And I was surprised by that. And I really realized every couple has their own relational dynamics. But when I got married it was like what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours. Debt and assets included. So do you think Married folks should be combining assets and debts. Is that outdated? Look, what's the approach?
- [32:03]
Heather Bonaparte
I think it's, you know, I'm going to preface this by saying personal preference because there's lots of reasons why people may choose to keep these things separate that include family dynamics, family wealth. Like, there can be a ton of reasons why it could be a second marriage. So I don't really believe in blanket. In a blanket statements to say everyone should do this or everyone should do that for us. And I will also say, I think it gets incredibly sticky to say your debt versus my debt. Right to your point. When you choose to combine your life together, how are you practically. How is that practically going to work? Right. Let's say I have a student loan repay. I have a student loan debt schedule where I'm paying thousands of dollars a month towards my student loan debt. How then are we going to figure out a way where my income also helps to support our family and our. And our dreams and our hopes and our lifestyle? So, like, I don't truly understand how that works long term. And don't even get me started about what happens when you add kids into the mix. Like, how are you going to continue to itemize? Like, are you gonna say two thirds.
- [33:16]
Doug Bonaparte
Of that of my child's soccer practice? I'm gonna.
- [33:21]
Joel
Right, right.
- [33:21]
Heather Bonaparte
So, you know, I generally if when you are first getting together, when you're first cohabitating, when you're first getting married, you feel like you're not ready to do it all at once, okay, that's fine. But I do truly believe that somewhere, at some point, you are gonna have to assume some responsibility for what your partner is responsible for when it comes to debt. I do believe that. I mean, look, for us, maybe because of the size of the debt, but I think also because of the shame that I was carrying with the debt. Doug knew. And when Doug made that gesture of saying, yeah, I will be the co signer of the refinancing of your student loan debt, it meant so much more than the logistics of who, what the pain it was. Right. It meant so much more than who's going to be paying for what it meant. I trust you. I believe in you. Your problems are my problems. And that was literally a bigger gesture. And I say this in the book, it was a more sweeping, romantic gesture in our relationship than the way he proposed to me.
- [34:33]
Doug Bonaparte
Me.
- [34:34]
Heather Bonaparte
Truly. It was that big of a deal.
- [34:36]
Joel
I believe it. It's. It's like the love, the action of love instead of just like the lip service that's right.
- [34:42]
Doug Bonaparte
Everything about that's correct. I'm very matter of fact about this. Right. I've for a number of times already talked about this being a team game. And I'll spare us the sports analogies and just talk about how, you know, if you're looking for the most effective and efficient way to go about your financial life, you're going to want to play that team game. It's, you know, it's a collection, right? It's the collective household unit here, notwithstanding the things Heather said, that may exist for very personal or particular reasons, but the mechanics of it, the practicality of it, you know, it's better to start sharing, whether it's setting up your joint accounts and getting into the actual mechanics of how you do this. I do believe, you know, having independence and autonomy is a part of that too. Still have an individual checking account. You know, your retirement accounts can't be jointly held. So there is individuality when it comes to managing your money, when it comes to your investments. But I'm a real stickler over this thing. You're married or you're a partnership. It's typically and should be for life. I'm not going to get, you know, any particular religion involved in this as much as I'm saying that is the commitment you're making to one another and you're.
- [35:51]
Heather Bonaparte
That is the aspirational goal. I don't know anyone that goes into marriage hoping that or, you know, just accepting that someday it ends. Will they end?
- [36:00]
Doug Bonaparte
I have a question, right? I have a question of, well, what are you doing here if you're not willing to go down this road? And it doesn't mean, you know, from the day you get married or get engaged, you're all in, start sharing, you know, right down the middle. It means you are going to go on that pathway and you are going to work your way to a shared financial household where hopefully you're capable of managing it as a team and not as two individuals who live in their own financial silos but happen to do stuff together.
- [36:30]
Joel
The ultimate reality of life, I think, is trade offs, right? Everyone can't get what they want all the time, and money is this finite resource. So is there like a best place? We were talking earlier about people like how each couple needs to bring what they want individually into the relationship, but sacrifices need to be made to achieve mutual goals that you have together. So there's a conflict, there's a little bit of tension there. This is the goal I want to achieve. This is the goal you Want to achieve. This is kind of what we want to do together. How, how do you, how does that, like, what's the fallout from those conversations?
- [37:04]
Heather Bonaparte
I'll say my favorite line, but first, I think it's really important to think about this oftentimes almost all the time. An investment in one thing is a sacrifice in another. And when we talk about goals, individual goals, in order for me to reach one of my individual goals, Doug may have to sacrifice something, even if that something is just time.
- [37:30]
Joel
And that goes for non monetary goals too. Yeah, right. So like I'm trying to run a marathon and that is a pain in the butt for my whole family. So there's all, there are all these things that go into. This is my goal. Nobody else in my family really cares that much about it. But like they have to make sacrifices and then vice versa.
- [37:46]
Heather Bonaparte
That is a perfect example. Right. It's. They're not just career driven ambitions. Look, if, if, look, if, if a partner says after becoming a new parent, I would really like to downshift from the workforce for a little while and I would like to spend more time at home with our kids. An investment in that time on one hand is a sacrifice, is a financial sacrifice on the other. I think. So it's really important to kind of see your lives as that fluid in. And that there will be a time for you and there will be a time for me and there will be a time for us all. And when it comes to kind of like knowing how you've struck the right balance, I mean, look, I negotiated for a living, I still do, but I used to, you know, find myself sitting at tables negotiating eight figure settlements and the best compromises leave everyone a little bit uncomfortable. That's just the truth.
- [38:38]
Joel
The. Okay, talk about the power dynamics that enter into that though, because oftentimes the, the higher earning spouse feels like, whether they say it or not, or it often feels like that to the lower earning spouse too, that that person gets to call the shots or they are in some way the ultimate decider because they have more economic skin in the game. So what is, what does that look like in practicality when one person feels like they hold some more cards?
- [39:04]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah. I think you first need to recognize just how much that's actually conditioned behavior. Whether that's through societal systems or the way that you were raised. Generational differences. There are so many ways that you can contribute to your family that are far greater than who's making the paycheck and what those financial contributions are. And I'll say this Till the cows come home. The person that is earning four, five, six times more or all the income, if someone's choosing to support the family outside of earning money, that person would likely be unable to do what they're doing without the contributions of that other person. So it's a very silly construct, right, to really, you know, bite down hard on when you think about it in that way. And Heather, you know, one of the biggest parts of this book is how people contribute far greater than what they bring in. And I really want to give this space to Heather to talk more about just how important contribution is from a non monetary standpoint.
- [40:09]
Heather Bonaparte
To Joel's point, we found ourselves in that position. You know, I was at one point in time the breadwinner in our relationship, and I held down a corporate job and some pretty great benefits for a long time so that Doug could take risks in his career and try and build his firm and his and his business and, you know, build his thought leadership in the financial planning space. But at a certain point, like his career took off and suddenly he was making three times the amount of money as I was. And that happened to coincide with us having our children and Covid and a pandemic, you know, and pandemic started when our kids were 11 months and 4 years old.
- [40:53]
Joel
And that can change something as simple as like, who's expected to put dinner on the table. Table.
- [40:57]
Heather Bonaparte
That is right.
- [40:57]
Joel
Right.
- [40:58]
Heather Bonaparte
That is right. And it was very. It felt at the time like it was very easy for us all to decide whose time mattered more. Yes, it was an extreme example because that was a, quote, unquote, unprecedented time, like so many others that millennials have been through. But. But it was what we did. And as one of the experts said about me in the book, that I was complicit in my own oppression. But it's true. It is. It was just as much me saying, well, you need more time to work than I do, even though I was still a corporate lawyer, even though I was still helping Doug out with the business, even though I was still doing 90% of what the kids needed during that time. So, like, I don't want to paint such a simple picture that it's just so easy to undo these scripts because sometimes they just kind of happen to you.
- [41:46]
Doug Bonaparte
And no, you've been. You're correct. But the conditioning happens over not just years, but often decades to where it's involuntary. That.
- [41:59]
Heather Bonaparte
And of course, we don't want to fail to state the obvious that it is important that the person that's bringing in income into the household has the time they need to do their job. Yes, that is true.
- [42:12]
Joel
Otherwise, the whole house of cards collapses. Right. The paycheck's got to keep coming.
- [42:17]
Heather Bonaparte
Sure. But I think that it's just incredibly important to view time as a currency as well. And until you view it that way, and until that person, even if you are the breadwinner, you need to understand that an investment in your time and ability to pursue your career to the best of your abilities likely involves an inherent sacrifice from your spouse and maybe from the rest of your family. And being mindful of that fact makes you show up more in the moments that you're not working and create that fairness and kind of maintain that sense of equity.
- [42:56]
Doug Bonaparte
And I think it's very important to point out that fairness does not mean equal. Right. This is a balance that two people will figure out how to strike in terms of what works for their lives. And what makes both people say, I can deal with this. We can play ball with this. Because if you don't, the consequence is resentment. And there is no better way to erode a relationship, whether it's built on love or anything else, than by resenting the other person in that relationship. So typically, you know, only a few things happen when you get to that breaking point. You either watch your relationship fall apart, and many do, because they've completely and utterly failed to figure it out by communicating and figuring out what kind of balance needs to exist, or that is the call to action in which both people will come together, sit down, and realize something has to give. And if you love each other and you care about each other, you're going to work like hell to work it out and to make that happen. And Heather and I obviously love each other very much and got to a point where she said, doug, I'm starting to resent what's going on here, and we really need to think about how we fix this. And I heard her loud and clear, and we sat down.
- [44:16]
Joel
You have to speak up, right? You have to have the conversation. Makes me think of I was just to throw myself under the bus. I was waking up five minutes before the kids woke up, and I was coming upstairs in my bathrobe, getting my coffee, and, like, my wife is already making the lunches and preparing the breakfast, and I'm sitting there like the dude in the Big Lebowski, like an idiot, just groggy and yawning, and she's like, I think, like, I'm really starting to get upset that you're not, like, in the game in the morning. And so can you figure out a way to wake up earlier, whatever you need to do to be in the game when the kids are up. And that I had listened to her and had to change my whole morning routine for that. And in the best way possible. Right. I was happy to do it, but like, she had to bring it up. I probably should have realized before she had to bring it up. But it's one of those things where you can't just resent in the background. You have to have a conversation about it.
- [45:14]
Heather Bonaparte
And here's an important point too. You may think that you're not communicating, but you are communicating, right? Your spouse may, yes, you should speak up and communicate in a constructive way. Right. At a time and place that is like low. Right. That is conducive to having these conversations. But an important point to note is that a lot of times, like, we communicate in all sorts of ways. We communicate in passive aggressive ways. I, you know, I thought that I wasn't saying anything about the way that I felt, but the truth was my actions spoke loudly. I was snapping at everyone all the time. I was huffing and puffing around the house for like over a year during this whole time. And what I could have just said what I was feeling, which was, hey, I'm drowning, this isn't working. And I feel like I'm not getting the time I need for myself in my career.
- [46:09]
Joel
And lots of times you think you are communicating it right? And you are in some ways, but the partner is like, doesn't register with me. Like, I just get that you're not in a good mood, but I don't really understand what's happening. And so you actually have to use, you have to figure out and find the words to communicate what it is that you're feeling so that they can understand.
- [46:26]
Heather Bonaparte
And that's why time and place are so important. Like, it's not the right time when you're reacting, when you're angry. That's not the time to have that conversation. That's why, like carving out the time not just for money dates, which are, you know, we're huge proponents of the money dates, but find a time that you're not reacting and you're not upset to sit down and say, hey, I've been feeling this way a lot lately and I really. Can we have a couple minutes to talk about what we need to do here to make this better?
- [46:56]
Joel
So what are the best practices? Because you even in my intro, I said something about the vibes. Like you do Want people to have good vibes with their money. And vibes is like such a hot word these days. But what does it look like to have good vibes in your relationship when it comes to. To money? And what sort of ingredients are necessary to get there?
- [47:18]
Heather Bonaparte
Oh, well, again, like, we love that money date. We love the idea of setting a time and a place and an activity that you both enjoy and working the money conversation into that thing you both enjoy. Because then you can also start by talking about the things that are positive in your lives. Like, it's not just, well, we overspent. Let's. Let's scrutinize the budget and see.
- [47:44]
Doug Bonaparte
Don't start with the negative stuff.
- [47:46]
Heather Bonaparte
You want to start with the good stuff.
- [47:48]
Doug Bonaparte
Say, like, what are your wins?
- [47:49]
Heather Bonaparte
What are your wins? What are our wins from the last quarter?
- [47:51]
Doug Bonaparte
Would you do great this week? I think there's, there's a lot here, and it's little tiny adjustments or turning things just, you know, upside down on their head. Everyone wants to sit down and think about, hey, where, where's the room for improvement? Talk about what you did right, you know, that's a great way to get to the things you want to improve on. So things that will make you feel good up front. Front. Same. When it comes to figuring out how to meet your partner, where they're at, and learning how they want to communicate and how they want to do that, I can assure you for most guys that want to get their wives involved and what's in front of them is a budget or a cash flow statement or a net worth, you know, that is probably not going to work. And I'm speaking from experience.
- [48:30]
Heather Bonaparte
There are might just not be the place to start. You want to meet people where they are. Find the, find the pathway to the, to interest that works for you. If you have a newsletter that you're really enjoying, if there's a podcast or a financial creator that you like to follow, like, that is, that is an on ramp to better conversations. It doesn't have to be zero to a hundred. And also, like, I know Doug always, Doug always tells clients and couples, like, find a positive shared goal that you guys can set. Say, hey, like, a great example would be, hey, do you want to maybe go on spring break with the kids next year? Yeah, I do. All right, well, why don't we take a look at what we need to do every month between now and then to make that happen? And yeah, that might require changing some behavior. It's casting forward decisions that you can make instead of looking Backward at what was wrong. We haven't been saving any money, so we're never gonna get to go on vacation.
- [49:26]
Joel
You know that stupid purchase you she made last week, it really set us back.
- [49:30]
Doug Bonaparte
Think about what you need to get buy into the conversation. I know if I tease Heather with let's do this family thing because we both know we like that I'm going to get her to the table. When I say, hey, can we look over some numbers here? Maybe that's the thing, she doesn't like to do as much. She'll say, yeah, let's figure this out. Look, there's a couple nights we're going out with friends. We just saw them. We don't need to do this dinner. Hey, we're three thinking about going to this concert. But if it meant no to that. So we could go to a great, you know, all inclusive with the family, it becomes fairly effortless to start making those sacrifices or shifting those things around. Now you're playing a team game. Everyone's on the same page. Everyone's going for the same goal.
- [50:11]
Heather Bonaparte
And to your point, the vibes are set. When you start to reap the benefits of that work, that when you start to feel okay, we are so much more aligned on the things we want, then you find yourself reacting less in the day to day to the little things because you really are having the conversations about the bigger things.
- [50:30]
Joel
So the good vibes are like setting the tone and they're actually creating a better environment to make good money decisions together.
- [50:37]
Doug Bonaparte
Here's the biggest piece of it all. And I don't want anyone listening. If you're pumped listening to this, like, we're gonna go do that. Awesome. Yes. Get going on that for sure. But I want you to remember that this requires consistency and discipline. You are likely, you are more than likely, if you haven't been in the practice of this, going to have your first experience, not meet the expectation you have in your head of like, we're gonna have this awesome conversation. I'm gonna do it differently. And you know what? You're like, all right, that really didn't go, you know, according to the plan. That's because you did it one time, right? Nobody goes to the gym one time after not working out for six months or however long and is actually I.
- [51:19]
Joel
Would, but then I.
- [51:21]
Doug Bonaparte
You'll be very sore, but you won't be in the best shape of your life. Just like anything that requires, whether it be investing or anything really filed under self care, health and otherwise, it requires consistency. So if you're doing this on a quarterly basis. Give yourself some grace. That's four cracks in a year, right? That's only four. Two years is eight, 3:12. We're just counting by fours here. So until such time, it took us, you know, a lot of cracks at this to get into the rhythm and finding things that work for us.
- [51:50]
Heather Bonaparte
And we still have to do the work. Our finances are a unique situation. We both work in the family business now. Right. It's not your typical setup. So we continue to work. And I have even more questions now than I did at the start. But that's good. It's not bad. It's curiosity and a desire to keep. Keep my hands in it more and more every month. Right.
- [52:14]
Doug Bonaparte
Go from macro to micro as you do this. Right? The Mac being, hey, let's go over what a P and L is. Let's take a look at how the, you know, the mechanics of a business work and relate to, you know, our family expenses. And then question be like, all right, so now that we got this under our belt, why are we doing this? Or how can we improve this? Or should we hire someone to do this? They become business decisions that dovetail into personal decisions. So, yeah, you know, that's kind of the life of entrepreneurs and business builders. But, you know, even if it's a little easier because you got two W2 employees or one W2 employee, you still still have to put in the reps to get to running a smooth operation around these money dates and conversations. And then you start to fill in between those money dates with actual better communication, better habits, and better behaviors that when you do get to your meeting, things run more fluid, smoothly, and expectations are met more than they're not.
- [53:07]
Joel
I love it. All right, I got a few more rapid question couples and money topics I want to hit up with you guys. So we'll keep talking about this in just a second with Doug and Heather right after this. As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that works just as hard as you do. That hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs. When you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. LinkedIn makes it easy to post your job for free, share it with your network, and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place.
- [53:45]
Matt
Yeah. Let me tell you how it works. First, you post your job. LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions and then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights. You either post your job for free or you pay to promote, which by the way gets you three times more qualified applicants. And then just sit back and rest easy knowing that you are getting the highest quality candidates. Based on LinkedIn data, 72% of small business owners using LinkedIn said that LinkedIn helps them to find the best candidates. Find out why more than two and a half million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring today. Find your next great hire on LinkedIn.
- [54:20]
Joel
Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com howtomoney that's LinkedIn.com howtomoney to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know we care a lot about being intentional with our money and that includes how we give it away.
- [54:35]
Matt
That is why we are big fans of Daffy, which is a modern donation platform and app for charitable giving that is also a donor advised fund which means you can contribute cash, stock, ETFs or even crypto. You take the tax deduction right away and then send the money to over one and a half million charities, schools and other faith based organizations. Whatever you want with the funds that you've already set aside.
- [54:59]
Joel
I've personally been using it to send recurring donations for causes I really care about like my church and a local nonprofit called Blueprint 58.
- [55:07]
Matt
Same here. Yeah, I've got recurring donations going to my kids school. DAFY also keeps your receipts organized for tax season. But the best part is DAFY itself is a nonprofit with a mission to help people to be more generous more often. So if you want a better system for your giving, head to daffy.org howtomoney and for a limited time you'll even get $25 to give to the charity of your choice. Visit daffy.org how how to money today hey y', all, it's Joel and Matt from how to Money. Joel, you were just out in Seattle recently, weren't you?
- [55:41]
Joel
Yeah man, it was amazing. I went for one of the most glorious runs of my life, along the waterfront. It had everything you could ask for. Crisp air, mountain views, fairies gliding across the water. Beautiful.
- [55:51]
Matt
I love it man. Yeah, for us, our road trip through.
- [55:53]
Joel
Charlottesville was a highlight.
- [55:55]
Matt
We actually splurged on a custom built Airbnb and it was well worth it. The house had these unique touches like a poured concrete counter there in the kitchen with a built in drying rac. Super functional. It even inspired some ideas for our house.
- [56:08]
Joel
Oh plus with a kitchen like that, you save Money eating out.
- [56:10]
Matt
Yes, exactly. That's what struck me. What seems normal to a homeowner, it can be the thing that makes a guest trip really special.
- [56:17]
Joel
Which is why hosting makes sense. Right? Travelers are looking for those authentic, memorable spaces. And if you don't have time to manage all that well, Airbnb's co host feature makes it easy. A local co host can help with everything from creating the listing to keeping your place running smooth. Yeah.
- [56:32]
Matt
So while you are off making your travel memories, your home could be helping someone else make theirs. Find a co host@airbnb.com host.
- [56:43]
Joel
All right, back. Still talking with Doug and Heather about love and budgeting. And I wanted to ask you guys real quick. A lot of folks are punting on bigger decisions like marriage, having kids until they achieve more economic security, is that a good or a bad thing?
- [56:57]
Doug Bonaparte
Oh, what a great question. Like, I can hear my grandfather in the back of my mind saying, like, love finds a way, Doug. You know, and also, Grandpa didn't understand that love doesn't solve for, you know, six figures in student loan debt. So I can really appreciate folks wanting to set up their lives. I know Heather and I spent a lot of time setting up our careers and lives before we decided to get married. So while I have an appreciation for that, I think striking a balance between, you know, you can get caught in this trap of, oh, we'll do it next year, we'll do it next year. And before you know it, you've waited too long.
- [57:32]
Heather Bonaparte
I'll never forget, I had a friend who I used to work with, a colleague who said that she wasn't going to get pregnant until she used up all of her Starwood points. I'll never forget that. But people come up with these things.
- [57:45]
Joel
That's too far.
- [57:46]
Heather Bonaparte
No, but people come up with these things. Right. Like, I'll do. We'll do it, then. We'll do it. And I think, like, on one hand. Yes. Right. Like, I don't want to not acknowledge how incredibly difficult. Look, we're in, like a childcare crisis in this country. I could go on all 20min rant about that.
- [57:59]
Joel
Yeah.
- [58:00]
Heather Bonaparte
But I think there is a piece of this, especially when we talk about having kids, that I don't know if you're ever really going to feel ready.
- [58:07]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah.
- [58:07]
Heather Bonaparte
So I think that that is a. That is a difficult, like a slippery slope when you're waiting for that, that permission to proceed in any really big thing in your life, you might be waiting too long. Right.
- [58:19]
Doug Bonaparte
Like, anyone who's quote, unquote figured it out, whether it be in their marriage, their love life, or, you know, companionship, whatever, whatever it may be, will tell you one of the best things that has happened to them financially has been getting married or starting a family. I remember a colleague, biggest motivator. Yeah, I remember a colleague of mine, you know, older gentleman, successful practice, put his hand on my shoulder and said, congratulations, Doug, this will be the best thing that ever happened to your business, is having a child, is having your first daughter. And again, and I will confirm that it was that motivator. It was something that just speak for. Speak for.
- [58:56]
Heather Bonaparte
That is a. That is a whole. I think that there, there's some. There's some gendered. There's some, without a doubt, gendered scripts in that. But again, like I said, Joel, you opened up a can of worms.
- [59:07]
Joel
Yeah, well, this whole topic is a can of worms. Yeah. Which. Which is what makes it so fascinating. Couple rapid fire questions. Who should pay on the first date? Is it the person who's got the higher paying job?
- [59:17]
Doug Bonaparte
I like the split on the first date. Make no split, no presumptions here. I'm caught between today's world of split and being a gentleman and just offering it up. And, you know, that's really kind of too completely.
- [59:30]
Heather Bonaparte
We've been together too long to answer that question.
- [59:33]
Doug Bonaparte
What do the kids do these days?
- [59:35]
Heather Bonaparte
But if it was me, I probably. Yeah, I wouldn't mind a chivalrous. A chivalrous man offering to pay for the first date.
- [59:42]
Joel
Yeah. What's more important, the budget or the vibes? We talked about the vibes just a second ago. But is. Yeah. Which one, which one holds more weight?
- [59:49]
Heather Bonaparte
I think the vibes. Because when we talk about vibes, we're talking about mutual respect, we're talking about love, we're talking about feeling seen in each other's behaviors.
- [60:00]
Doug Bonaparte
Yeah. Numbers don't have feelings. Vibes are all feelings. And the feelings really kind of dictate behaviors here. So got to get the emotional side down. That's the harder side.
- [60:09]
Joel
What's one word you would use to describe your money style as a couple?
- [60:13]
Doug Bonaparte
Fluid. Yeah, fluid.
- [60:15]
Joel
I like it.
- [60:16]
Doug Bonaparte
We're, I think, pretty synced up and pretty much on the same page to the point where we can, we can spend freely. We have our eye on the prize and what our big goals are. We know when to check in on a purchase and when not to. I think we just are able to navigate our financial lives with a lot of fluidness. Fluidity.
- [60:37]
Heather Bonaparte
Fluidity.
- [60:38]
Joel
Last question, last question. You've been successful in work and marriage. You've got kids. What do you tell people about how you've been able to make it work?
- [60:46]
Heather Bonaparte
I tell everyone that it's about making room for one another. Making room for everything, not just our ambitions and our careers. Making room for each other's personalities and not trying to dim the light of the other person or of our kids.
- [61:06]
Joel
Dang. That's a good way to end. This has been such a lovely conversation. Thank you so much for joining me. Where can my audience where can how do money listeners find out more about your awesome new book?
- [61:16]
Heather Bonaparte
Well, you can visit our book website which is domoneytogether.com we also write a weekly couples and money newsletter called the Joint Account which you can find by googling the Joint account or just looking up joint account.
- [61:32]
Doug Bonaparte
If you're interested in the firm, it's bonafidewealth.com but Google Social media it will take you to all of these places.
- [61:38]
Joel
And more and so will the show Notes up on the website@howtomoney.com thank you guys for joining me. I really appreciate it.
- [61:44]
Heather Bonaparte
Thanks so much Joel.
- [61:45]
Doug Bonaparte
Thanks Joel.
- [61:46]
Joel
Okay, well that was a really fun conversation and it took some unexpected turns and I didn't realize that at the end of it. I might also agree that vibes are more important than a budget but my goodness, Heather and Doug make a compelling case for that and I think I'm sold. Like I think it's true that the money part is really important but if you working on the relational aspect and creating good vibes even around those money discussions is going to be crucial to be able to making the progress that you want to see in your family's money life. And man, so many big takeaways. I think I could go with after this conversation. I loved what Heather said there towards the end an investment in one thing is a sacrifice in another. So the trade offs thing is is real. It is the ultimate reality in life and you as a couple. There are some seasons I remember talking to someone else about couples and money not not too long ago and he talked about seasonality, how maybe this five years is the season to pour into my career and then five years down the road the tables are going to be turned and maybe we move to another city for my job, the thing that I want to accomplish and you've got to figure out what that looks like specifically in your own life and in your own relationship. But I think that's going to be true on a money and on a non money aspect when it comes to relational stuff that sometimes, like when my wife was in grad school and starting her budding career, I am more than willing to take a step back to help her flourish because, man, for so many years the opposite was true. And she really took it on the chin to make sure that I could launch this podcast with Matt and that we had a really good chance to succeed and to build this thing. And so now I have a little more freedom and flexibility and so I can do the same for her and be there for her so that she can really has a chance to succeed in this career that she's starting out on. So what is that going to look like for you, for your spouse, for your partner? Those are really important discussions to have. I think it's also important, like right at the end, another thing that Heather was saying, that making room for one another, such an important part of a successful partnership and for your personality, for your different goals and dreams, I think sometimes it's really easy to shoot down. Well, okay, I get that's your goal, not mine, so I'm not really interested. But the dreams that your partner has matter too. And actually it can be so satisfying and fulfilling to play a part in helping them achieve those bigger goals, those, those things they really want to accomplish too. Even if it's not initially the thing that you're jazzed about or wanting to work towards together, each of you is going to have individual and separate goals too. So not all of those goals need to or will overlap or be, you know, goals that each one of you holds. So good luck in having those conversations. And my goodness, the this book from Doug and Heather Money Together will I think be a big help in ushering in some of those conversations, prodding you to think a little bit differently about you, how you handle money as a couple. And so if you're looking for a place to start and some non dogmatic advice that gets the ball rolling and does give you some thoughts about kind of specific ways to come together as a couple and handle money, but also just some relational prompts to do some of the work. I think this is a great book to start. I was pleasantly surprised reading this book about how helpful it was given maybe some of the content that is out there. And we talked about this before we started recording how some of the the couples and money content can be a little crusty, a little old. This one feels like it's a book for the moment. So I hope you go out there and pick it up. I hope you enjoy it. You can find links to it up on the website@howtomoney.com thank you as always for listening. Hope to see you back here on Friday for a fresh Friday Flight episode. Until next time, Best friend out if you've been listening to the show for a while, you know we care a lot about being intentional with our money and that includes how we give it away.
- [66:44]
Matt
That is why we are big fans of Daffy, which is a modern donation platform and app for charitable giving that is also a donor advised fund which means you can contribute cash, stock, ETFs or even crypto. You take the tax deduction right away and then send the money to over one and a half million charities, schools and other faith based organizations. Whatever you want with the funds that you've already set aside.
- [67:08]
Joel
I've personally been using it to send recurring donations for causes I really care about, like my church and a local nonprofit called Blueprint 58.
- [67:16]
Matt
Same here. Yeah, I've got recurring donations going to my kids school. Daffy also keeps your receipts organized for tax season, but the best part is DAFY itself is a nonprofit with a mission to help people to be more generous more often. So if you want a better system for your giving, head to Daffy.org howtomoney and for a limited time, you'll even get $25 to give to the charity of your choice. Visit Daffy.org howtomone today.
- [67:44]
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- [68:41]
Doug Bonaparte
Johnny Knoxville here. Check out Crimeless Hillbilly Heist, my new true crime podcast from Smartless Media, Campside Media and big money Players. It's the true story of the almost perfect crime and the nimrods who almost pulled it off.
- [68:56]
Joel
It was kind of like the perfect.
- [68:57]
Doug Bonaparte
Storm in a sewer.
- [68:58]
Indeed Advertiser
That was dumb.
- [68:59]
Joel
Do not follow my example.
- [69:02]
Doug Bonaparte
Listen to Crimeless Hillbilly Heist on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [69:11]
Heather Bonaparte
This is an iHeart podcast.