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Beating Yourself Up? The 10-Second Play That Outsmarts Your Inner Critic
00:18:29
This week we're sharing a special episode from our friends at Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin — the Webby Award–winning podcast hosted by psychotherapist and mental strength trainer Amy Morin, whose TEDx talk has been viewed more than 25 million times and whose books have sold over a million copies in more than fifty languages. Every week, Amy shares a practical, research-backed mental strength strategy you can use right away. Think of it as a therapy session you don't have to book: all of the strategy, none of the small talk. Today we're sharing her episode on outsmarting your inner critic. Amy introduces the anxious voice in her own head that tries to keep her from taking risks, and walks through a simple three-step play — backed by research on self-distancing — for taking that voice's power away so it stops running your life. This play is one of the fifty tools in her brand-new book, The Mental Strength Playbook. For more strategies like this, follow Mentally Stronger...
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- [00:00]
Podcast Host / Ad Narrator
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match Limited by state law not available in all states Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc, and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan $15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment
- [00:45]
Amy Morin
of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy.
- [00:52]
Narrator / Podcast Promoter
See Terms Today's episode is different from our usual format. We're teaming up the podcast Mentally Stronger with therapist Amy Morin to share one of her episodes. This one's about that critical voice in your head that talks you out of things and holds you back, and it also includes a genuinely fun strategy for taking away its power. For those of you who don't know, the show Mentally Stronger is hosted by Amy Morin. Yes, Mentally Stronger with therapist Amy Morin is hosted by Amy Morin, who is a psychotherapist and a mental strength trainer. She is also the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People don't do which has sold more than a million copies in over 50 languages. Her TEDx talk is one of the most watched of all time with over 25 million views and her Webby Award winning podcast has become a go to for people who want practical psychology they can actually use. It's a good show and every week Amy shares a quick mental strength strategy that you could put to use right away. Think of it as a therapy session. You don't have to book all of the strategy, none of the small talk. On today's episode, Amy walks you through a three step play for naming your inner critic, the science behind why it works and what you gain when you take control of your inner dialogue. She even asks how she deals with her own inner critic who talks her out of taking any kind of risk. I like this one. And if you want to go deeper, this episode is one of 50 plays from Amy's brand new book the Mental Strength Playbook. So if you enjoy it, do yourself a favor and follow Mentally Stronger wherever you get your podcasts and tell her that me, Mike Pesca, sent you. All right, here's the episode on today's
- [02:34]
Amy Morin
episode of Mentally Stronger, have you ever sat down to send an email and then rewritten it five times before you hit send? Because you keep telling yourself, oh, just not good enough. Or do you ever beat yourself up for something that you said and then tell yourself that you've ruined everything? Or you've completely embarrassed yourself? Or maybe you just say mean things to yourself because you made a mistake? If any of those things sound familiar, you're not alone. That's your inner critic talking. We all have one. And while that little voice in your head is meant to be helpful, it can easily get in the way of thinking, feeling, and doing your best. But the good news is you don't have to silence your inner critic altogether. There's actually a much simpler play that you can run that takes the power out of that voice almost instantly. And today I'm going to tell you exactly how to do that. I'm Kiana, and I leveled up my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like, I can't stop. I'm addicted.
- [04:03]
Narrator / Podcast Promoter
Start your free trial@shopify.com if you're looking for another podcast that brings therapy resources to your earbuds, then check out the self work podcast. Ten years ago, Dr. Margaret Rutherford decided to extend the walls of her psychology practice as far as they could go, and the Self Work podcast was born. Each week, Dr. Margaret dives into an issue in mental health that she's personally researched, adding in her own two bits from over 30 years of experience. And you'll also hear the interviews with creative and informative guests who bring their own experience to the table. Her warm Southern drawl soothes and comforts she's about as down to earth as they come. Rated by many as the best depression podcast out there, Self Work stresses what you can do about it. So if you're seeking ideas and actions to move yourself forward, Self Work is for you. Find it on your favorite podcast app and tell them how to Sent you
- [05:02]
Amy Morin
Welcome to Mentally Stronger. I'm Amy Morin, a psychotherapist, mental strength trainer, and the author of seven books on mental strength. You're listening to the Friday Fix edition. Every Friday, I share a quick mental strength strategy that will fix the thoughts, feelings, and actions that can hold you back in life. And the fun part is we record the show from a sailboat in the Florida Keys. Now let's dive into today's episode. So I want to start by introducing you to someone. Her name is Fredding Phyllis. And Fretting Phyllis actually just lives in my head. She's not necessarily mean. Like, she doesn't call me names or tell me that I'm a loser. That's not her style at all. But what she does is she worries constantly. She worries that I said the wrong thing. She worries that I'm going to embarrass myself. She second guesses most of the decisions that I make. And she questions things. Like she questions if the article I just wrote is actually any good. And she wants me to avoid making mistakes at all costs. I'll give you an example of Fretting Phyllis in action just this past week. Now, the Mental Strength Playbook. My newest book just came out and hit the shelves. So that means I'm now in the marketing phase where I'm reaching out to news outlets to say, hey, can I write an article for you? Or can we talk about my book? And that's what happens after you write the book. You get to then pitch the editors. You reach out to media outlets, you send copies of your books. You do lots of things to create buzz so that people know that your book exists. So a few weeks back, I pitched Fast Company about an article that I wanted to write. And the editor said, oh, absolutely, send over a draft. So I wrote the draft, sent it over, and then I didn't hear anything. So I waited. And while I was waiting, of course, Fredding Phyllis went to work. She started saying things like, ugh, you're going to embarrass yourself if you follow up. Obviously, they don't like the article. That's why they didn't write back. They don't want it. They're not going to run it. They're just being polite by ignoring you. And here's the thing about Phyllis. She sounds reasonable. Quite often she doesn't yell. She just kind of whispers these little things like, ah, don't embarrass yourself. Just let it go and move on. Because following up in those moments often feels like I'm exposing myself to more rejection. But in this case, I didn't listen to Phyllis. I reached back out to the editor just to say, hey, just curious if you received the article that I wrote and if you think you want to run it. And the editor wrote back almost immediately. She apologized and she said she'd been out for a bit and that they would love to run the article, which they did. Just last Sunday, the article appeared on the Fast Company website. In fact, just earlier today, I saw that they ran content about it on their LinkedIn page. So I'm thrilled that now people are learning about how I went back to work when my life was really hard. That's what the article was about. But if I had listened to Phyllis, I don't think that piece would have ever run. And that's the whole problem with letting your inner critic run the show. Like, your inner critic doesn't just keep you from doing things poorly or from making mistakes. It might also keep you from doing anything at all. Now, the thing to understand about your inner critic is that he or she is not actually trying to ruin your life. Like fretting. Phyllis isn't my enemy. She just thinks that she's protecting me. She wants to keep me safe from rejection. She doesn't want me to feel embarrassed or to be criticized or to get myself hurt. So she's always on the lookout for danger. And if she doesn't think I'm taking her seriously, though, trust me, she gets louder. She predicts even worse things are going to happen. And I think that's true for all of our inner critics. They're protective, but the problem is that they're terrible at telling the difference between actual danger and just slight danger or even mild discomfort. So they treat sending a follow up email as if I am walking into traffic, right? As if it's a real danger that I face. And this is something that I see all the time with therapy clients, too. Their inner critic shows up right before they're about to do something really brave like apply for a promotion or go to a social event when they feel really nervous about it and their inner critic convinces them you don't belong or you're not qualified, or you're definitely going to get rejected and you're going to embarrass yourself. Now, there's actual research on inner critics. There's a study that looked at scholarly writers who were dealing with imposter syndrome and writer's block. And they found that when those writers named their inner critic, they were able to push through a lot better. They were more productive and more creative just by naming the voice in the same way that I named Phyllis Fretting Phyllis. And here's why. Naming your inner critic works. When that critical voice doesn't have a name, it feels like it's you. It feels like those are your thoughts, your opinions, and your perception of the situation. So then when Phyllis says, ugh, your content is terrible, nobody's going to want to run this article. In that moment, it sounds like the truth. But the moment that you give your inner critic a name, you create some distance. I realize it's not me thinking my content is bad. It's Fretting Phyllis who's worried that my content is terrible. And those are very different things. Now. It's not me thinking that my content is bad. It's Fretting Phyllis who's worried that my content is terrible. And those are two really different things. Like, one is a fact, and the other is just Phyllis doing what Phyllis does. In the therapy office. We call this self distancing. And the research on it is really strong. When you step back and you observe your thoughts instead of being inside of them, you make better decisions. You can regulate your emotions better, and you can take action even when you feel scared. So naming your critic isn't just a funny thing to do. It's actually a really effective psychological move that I teach therapy clients. But you don't have to be in therapy to learn how to do it. In fact, we're gonna pause right here for a quick break. But stick around, because when we come back, I'm going to explain exactly how to name your inner critic and how to run this play to make it effective.
- [12:14]
Narrator / Podcast Promoter
If you're looking for another podcast that brings therapy resources to your earbuds, then check out the self work podcast. Ten years ago, Dr. Margaret Rutherford decided to extend the walls of her psychology practice as far as they could go, and the Self Work podcast was born. Each week, Dr. Margaret dives into an issue in mental health that she's personally researched, adding in her own two bits from over 30 years of experience. And you'll also hear the interviews with creative and informative guests who bring their own experience to the table. Her warm Southern drawl soothes and comforts. She's about as down to earth as they come. Rated by many as the best depression podcast out there, Self Work stresses what you can do about it. So if you're seeking ideas and actions to move yourself forward, Self Work is for you. Find it on your favorite podcast app and tell them how to sent you.
- [13:11]
Amy Morin
Okay, we're back. All right, so how do you run the name your inner critic play well. I'm going to walk you through three easy steps. Step number one is to notice that voice. Before you can name your inner critic, you have to start catching it in the act. Right? Pay attention to times when that voice shows up. And for a lot of people, it's right before they're about to do something that really matters. Like maybe send that difficult email or ask for help when it's hard to do so. Or make that phone call. Do the brave thing. That's when our inner critic tends to get the loudest. And you might also hear it after you do something. Like after you had a conversation or even after an afternoon at home when it weighs on you that you should have done something differently, right? Oh, you wasted the day. Or it might tell you you've said the wrong thing. So just start noticing. What does your voice say to you and when does it show up? And what does it want you to do? Or more often, what does it want you to not do? Like, Phyllis for me, almost always wants me to play it safe. She says, like, don't follow up. Don't send the email. Don't put yourself out there. Don't tell any personal stories on the podcast, for goodness sakes. But once you start tracking that inner voice, you'll start to see some patterns, just like I did with Phyllis. So then step number two is to give your inner critic a name. I find this part to be fun. The name of your inner critic should reflect what it actually does. So in my case, Phyllis frets. She doesn't put me down, she doesn't attack me. She just tends to always worry that I'm gonna mess up. So Fretting Phyllis really seem to be a good fit, but maybe yours is different. Maybe you have perfectionistic Paul, who edits everything to death, or maybe you have worried Wanda, who imagines all the worst case scenarios, or cynical Simon, who tells you it's never gonna work out, so you shouldn't try. Try to pick a name that captures the personality of your inner critic. And a little humor can help because it creates that distance that we talked about. I have to say, it's much harder to take Fretting Phyllis seriously than it is to take my deepest fears about my competence seriously. Right? But here's the pitfall to avoid. Whatever you do, don't pick a cruel name. Like, don't name your inner critic something that sounds like the worst thing you've ever said to yourself. Sometimes people want to name their critic after a name that they were teased with in childhood or something like that, but that can backfire. The whole point of naming your critic is to take its power away. You don't want to amplify it or make it worse. And I've worked with clients who chose, like, a really harsh name for their inner critic, and ultimately that name made them feel worse, and it just became another way to beat themselves up. So remember, the goal is to create a clear separation between you and the critic. You don't want to come up with something that kind of blurs the line. So be playful, but just make sure that you don't come up with something that feels cruel. So that's step two. And step number three is to just acknowledge the voice without engaging with it. Now, you don't have to argue with your inner critic. You don't have to convince Phyllis that she's wrong. You don't have to debate at all. In fact, just acknowledge it and then keep moving. So when I was sitting at my computer and I'm trying to decide, do I take the risk and follow up with the Fast Company editor, or do I just wait and see if they eventually remember that I sent them this article, and as Phyllis is telling me, don't do it. Don't follow up. Don't embarrass yourself. I didn't get in an argument with her. I just kind of mentally said, thanks for the input, Phyllis. I'm gonna send it anyway. And I sent it. I sent that follow up because I knew, so what? Even if they said, no, we don't like your article, I could handle it. And so that's it. You're really not silencing that voice. In fact, the more you try to silence it, the more the louder it's gonna get. I guarantee it. And you don't have to pretend it's not there. Instead, you're just going to decline to take orders from your inner critic. And some of my therapy clients say that they will literally say out loud something like, okay, worried Wanda, I hear you, but we're not doing this. And at first they say, you know, I feel kind of silly saying this stuff out loud, but for some people, that's what works. And in fact, the silliness is what can help create the distance so that we don't feel like that voice is ourselves. Now, those are it. That's it. Those are the three steps. And here's why this matters, though. We all have an inner critic, and you're probably never going to get that voice to go away. And that's okay. Your goal doesn't have to be to eliminate it. I hear people say that all the time, how to silence your inner critic, but I don't think that's a good goal. I think the best goal is to just say, how am I going to make sure my inner critic, it doesn't run my life? Because here's what's going to happen. Once you name your inner critic, you'll stop mistaking that voice for the truth. You'll no longer start thinking that those little things are something that you should listen to or that it's your gut telling you that something is wrong. Because I hear that from people all the time, too. Like, well, maybe it's my intuition. No, it's just your inner critic. And in fact, your inner critic is doing its job. It's trying to keep you safe. But on the flip side, it's also going to keep you small if you listen. And if I had listened to Phyllis, I wouldn't have followed up with Faz Co. But that's just one example. That's one article. There are probably hundreds, if not thousands of times over the years that wouldn't have happened if I had listened to Phyllis. I can't imagine I would have been able to write my books or start this podcast or talk to the guests that I get on the show or have a lot of the hard conversations that I've had. I've had to take a lot of risks, and I'm sure you have, too. And naming Phyllis didn't make her go away, even after all these years. I've been a therapist now for 20 years. She still shows up. But naming her means that I can just say, yep, there she is, and keep going. So I encourage you this week to notice your inner critic and then give that voice a name. A name that fits it. And the next time that voice tries to talk you out of doing something that matters, acknowledge it by name and keep going Anyway. This play is one of the 50 plays in the Mental Strength Playbook. It's called Name your inner critic, and it's just one of the tools that I share that can help you take action even when your brain is trying to talk you out of it. The Mental Strength Playbook has tools for strategic thinking, building emotional strength, and taking productive action. If you don't have a copy yet, you can grab yours today. I'll put a link to it in the show notes. Thanks for hanging out with me today and for listening to Mentally Stronger. If you know someone whose inner critic is running their life, send them this episode. Just sending them a link to the show might help them feel better and grow stronger. And if you like the show, hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And of course I would love it if you'd leave me a review on Apple or Spotify. It helps us reach even more listeners. And if you want even more content on Mental Strength, join our premium channel. You'll get access to weekly episodes where I answer your questions on Mental Strength. And there are always monthly bonuses like like office hours with me and Mental Strength challenges. To sign up, just click on the link in the show notes and as always, a huge thank you to my show's producer, whose inner critic, as far as I can tell, is quite quiet.
- [21:35]
Podcast Host / Ad Narrator
Nick Valentine Marketing is hard, but I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre produced ad like this one across thousands of shows. To reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Libsyn ads, go to Libsyn ads.com that's L I B S Y N ads.com today.