Presenting: Dead Pilots Society table read of "Gimme Five" by Craig Thomas & Carter Bays

Summary

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How We Made Your Mother: Presenting Dead Pilots Society's Table Read of "Gimme Five" by Craig Thomas & Carter Bays

Podcast: How We Made Your Mother
Episode: Dead Pilots Society table read of "Gimme Five"
Host: Josh Radnor & Craig Thomas
Original Airdate: May 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

This unique bonus episode bridges two beloved storytelling spaces: Josh Radnor and Craig Thomas share a never-produced TV pilot, "Gimme Five," co-written by How I Met Your Mother co-creators Carter Bays and Craig Thomas (with comedy legend Peter Tolan). Through the Dead Pilots Society podcast, listeners get to experience a full table read of this comedic yet poignant script, which reveals both the raucous mayhem and hidden heartbreak of a 1980s sitcom writer’s room.

The episode delves into the behind-the-scenes world of sitcom creation, spotlighting the absurdities, frustrations, and fleeting moments of grace that define television writing—themes that echo the personal realities of its creators. Listeners are treated to a rollercoaster of comedy, dark humor, and sincere emotion tackling family, disability, workplace dysfunction, and the cultural legacy of TV writing rooms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Story Behind "Gimme Five"

• Craig Thomas (09:37):
  The pilot is deeply personal, inspired by both the chaos of a TV writer's room and Craig's experience as the parent of a child with complex medical needs.

  “I was, like, in the neonatal intensive care unit with my son and then commuting into the How I Met Your Mother writers room… in these crazy two worlds of, like, a sitcom and then, like, the very heavy medical drama that my life had become. By the way, my son’s 18 and doing great right now.” (09:47)

• Carter Bays (10:48):
  The show serves as an anthology of writers’ room lore—“a treasure trove of great stories… dump all these anecdotes into one container”—and reflects changes in the TV landscape and the vanishing culture of traditional writers’ rooms.

2. Collaboration with Peter Tolan

• Craig and Carter (12:07):
  The involvement of Peter Tolan (Larry Sanders, Rescue Me) brings an edge and industry perspective; his influence highlights the satire and authenticity of the script.

3. Plot & Themes of the Pilot

• Set in 1985, "Gimme Five" spotlights a family sitcom's writers’ room and the personal/professional chaos swirling around its creator, Cliff, as he copes with his newborn son’s health crisis.
• The pilot oscillates between scenes from the fictional sitcom (full of broad, questionable humor and catchphrases) and the abrasive, joke-driven reality of the writers’ workplace.
• The boundaries between personal pain and professional duty blur, culminating in Cliff’s attempt to find meaning and humor amidst difficulty:

  “Write dumb jokes, Cliff… so when we die, Oliver will be okay forever.” (54:36, Chloe)

4. The "Dead Pilots Society" Experience

• Andrew Reich (Host, 05:42):
  Dead Pilots Society revives unproduced scripts for one-night-only readings.

  “They brought this amazing cast together, they read it and made this amazing podcast episode that we really wanted to share with you guys here.” (03:54, Craig Thomas)

5. Notable Scene Highlights and Satirical Moments

Writers’ Room Chaos

• A recurring “Mr. Belvedere sat on his nuts” story travels through the room like urban legend, encapsulating the collision of childish and professional humor.

  “Did you hear about Mr. Belvedere sat on his nuts?” (22:07, Cliff)

Escalating Jokes & Inappropriate Banter

• Writers push "bad taste" jokes to the limit—debating whether Santa should get a Porsche or scotch, culminating in a purposely over-the-top and offensive riff, illustrating writers’ pent-up stress and desperation.

  “Santa already has the perfect treat right here. Your sister's hot wet pussy.” (57:48, Cliff as Mr. P)
  “Everyone's losing their minds with laughter. It's not particularly funny, but these people have been up all night...” (59:27, narration)

Emotional Core: Cliff's Son’s Diagnosis

• Cliff’s newborn is diagnosed with Down syndrome; the pilot pulls no punches in depicting his devastation and marital strain.

  “Down syndrome. No. No, that can't be.” (41:58, Cliff) “I close my eyes. It's all I see in big red letters. And I just want to hit somebody.” (45:13, Cliff)

Realism Versus TV Escapism

• The episode grapples with the challenge of returning to comedy and “dumb jokes” after profound personal crisis.

  “You actually think I can go back to writing dumb jokes now?” (54:12, Cliff)

6. The Writers' Room as a Lost World

• Carter Bays laments the vanishing craft of community and continuity passed down through TV writers' rooms.

  “Writers’ rooms were this conduit of continuity of the craft of TV writing... that spanned back to the beginning…” (10:48, Carter Bays)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "It's not like this one joke undermines my entire understanding of the character. Let's leave it in. Let's leave it in." (24:10, Shane)
• "If Bill Cosby—"
  "Okay, okay. It's not okay." (32:04, Cliff & Dave; harrowing but darkly comic reference to TV icons/new scandals)
• “Write dumb jokes, Cliff... Write them until we’re so fucking rich that when we die, Oliver will be okay forever.” (54:36, Chloe)
• “Because we're a bunch of retards.” (59:37, Russell—immediately followed by Cliff physically lashing out, a stark shift from laughter to pain)
• The script’s ending: Mr. P delivers the very first, previously derided joke.

  “Oh, nothing much. Just a Porsche 944.” (60:11, Mr. P) The studio audience roars: the least clever solution gets the biggest laugh—the paradox of TV writing.

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• Opening context & personal stakes: 09:37–12:38
• Writers' room dynamic & recurring anecdotes: 13:40–24:34
• Cliff’s family/son’s diagnosis: 41:58–45:53
• Writers' breakdown, Cliff's return: 55:15–57:53
• Breakdown of comedy as coping mechanism: 57:53–60:15

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Tone & Style

The episode is an arch blend of Hollywood satire, darkly comic banter, and raw personal emotion. The table read and reflections are shot through with rapid-paced writers’ room wit, gallows humor, and pointed commentary on the nature of making TV comedy under duress. The language is irreverent, self-deprecating, and often deeply vulnerable.

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t heard this episode, expect a wild ride: equal parts hilarious, uncomfortable, and touching. "Gimme Five" serves as both an inside joke for fans of TV production and a heartfelt reflection on the price (and power) of storytelling in tough times. The podcast and table read celebrate the messy humanity behind every "neatly wrapped" sitcom episode—and the writers who live those contradictions daily.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Greg, you know what I like best about our jobs?

[B]

Working with me?

[A]

No, no, that's like seventh or eighth. I'd say one or two is that we've talked about this on the podcast. We don't have to wear a suit and tie to work. Oh, never, never, never do. Working in tv, working in theater, working in podcasting. I mean, you barely wear pants.

[B]

I'm not even sure I'm wearing pants now. And I'm writing books and stuff. I don't have to. I see nobody.

[A]

Yeah, you've given up. You've fully given up.

[C]

It's true.

[A]

We don't. We, we can wear the comfiest clothes that we can, we can grab. And I know that some of our favorites are Viori.

[B]

Here's the thing. Because you, you also want to look good. You want to be comfortable, but you want to look good because you can't actually give up. That's the thing.

[A]

Don't give up comfortable, but look good. That's the sweet spot.

[B]

That's the dream.

[A]

Viori is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners. They are offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the [e-mail] mother that's V U O R I.com mother exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping on US orders over $75 and free returns. Go to vuori.com mother and discover the versatility of Vuori. Clothing exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Craig, I was recently looking at one of my credit card statements. Do you ever do this, look at your credit card statements?

[B]

Yeah, like, once every few years.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes I'm a little like Lily. I kind of bury my head in the sand. I'm like, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But today I really, I looked it over and I saw that there was a charge from a very big bookstore chain that apparently I've been a member of for years with some sort of, like, yearly subscription, maybe even monthly. I don't, I hope it's a. But I, I, I was just like, why? I haven't set foot in one of these stores in years. So I've got this charge that I, and I, then I started, my mind started spinning. I was like, how many of these do I have?

[B]

Right? What, what is the grand total that you've been paying since, like, happy Y2K or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[B]

It's ridiculous.

[A]

I don'. Crunch those numbers because now that I have a kid, I'm starting to think about college.

[B]

Yeah, I know, I know. Like, that. That would have been really useful. Can I make a suggestion?

[A]

Yes, please.

[B]

Since we're just two dudes here chatting on microphones, I'm going to just spontaneously suggest something. Rocket Money, Josh.

[D]

Wait, what?

[B]

Rocket Money, I say.

[A]

You heard me, Rocket Money.

[B]

You heard me.

[A]

Tell me. Tell me more about it.

[B]

I will. I will. So, Rocket Money. This app automatically categorizes transactions, tracks subscriptions, and even lets you cancel unwanted ones. And case in point, in just a few taps, you can end up cutting all kinds of subscriptions. Just like what you just described. Things you did not. You don't even remember to this day, signing up for.

[A]

I don't remember signing up for this.

[B]

Save so much money. I don't even want to guess how much money you wasted, because you don't even know what year that started in. And it just makes you feel better. You're not wasting money and you're just, like, less stressed out about money and that Rocket Money can do all of that for you.

[A]

Look, I just need to free up more space in my psyche to do this podcast. I can't be worried about hemorrhaging money on subscriptions that I did in 2002. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join@rocket money.com mother that's rocket money.com mother or rocketmoney.com mother hey, guys.

[B]

Craig Thomas here we have a special bonus episode we're sharing with you. Carter Bayes and I had a really cool experience recently where a script we wrote was brought back to life by a wonderful podcast called Dead Pilot Society. They take unproduced TV pilot scripts that they think are cool and organize a proper table read with a full cast of actors and kind of bring to life this pilot script that otherwise would be sitting on your shelf. This was one we really loved. It's a pilot we wrote a couple years after How I Met yout Mother called Gimme Five. That combines our lives as comedy writers. It combines some stuff of my life as a parent. It had a lot of us in it, a lot of our personal lives, a lot of things we really care about, and it never even sold. It didn't only not get. It never got sold. It never got shot. We never had a table read, but God bless Dead Pilot Society. They brought this amazing cast together, they read it and they made this amazing podcast episode that we really wanted to share with you guys here. I think how much some other fans will really like this. So please give it a listen. This is the only way you can possibly experience this TV script. We're really, really happy to share it with you.

[E]

Give it a listen.

[F]

You know the thing and no one picked up your thing and so you bury the thing. That's not the end of the thing.

[D]

Ever.

[F]

Welcome to Dead Pilot Society, the show that takes comedy pilots from a list writers that were sold and developed at networks and streamers but never produced and gives them the table reads they never got a chance to have. I am Andrew Reich, the creator and host of Dead Pilot Society and It is week two of Max Fund Drive 2026. We have just been delivering so much goodness to you and we're not going to stop. If you haven't yet, please consider becoming a member for as low as $5 a month by going to maximumfund.org joinedead pilots we have our second dead pilot from Carter Bayes and Craig Thomas for you. This one's called Give Me Five. Carter and Craig, of course co created How I Met yout Mother were showrunners for its entire nine year 208 episode run. Before that, there were writers for the Late show with David Letterman, producers for American Dad. Carter is the author of the novel the Mutual Friend and Craig is the author of the novel that's Not How It Happened. Also, you should check out Craig's How I Met yout Mother rewatch podcast called How We Made youe Mother. Carter and Craig wrote this one with the legendary television writer Peter Tolan, whose credits include the Larry Sanders show, Rescue Me, the Movies, Analyze this and Analyze that, tons of other. His resume is insane. I'm hoping to get another dead pilot from Peter at some point and get to talk to him because he, he's just, he's an incredible writer. So the three of them teamed up for this pilot. Gimme Five. Here's the log line. It's 1985 and Gimme Five is the number two family sitcom in America. But behind the scenes of this feel good show is a dysfunctional workplace family on the verge of self destruction. Showrunner Cliff McConnell must somehow keep it together and keep being funny in the midst of his newborn son's health crisis. I really think this might be the most accurate depiction of a comedy writer's room that I've ever read. I mean, this show is so funny and so wild. Content warning. Major content warning. Definitely think twice about listening to this one with small children in the room. And look, you may hear something that offends you early on in this pilot, but please stick with the show. Trust me, it's one of the funniest pilots we've done on the podcast. Insane Cast. Our cast for this one was as Cliff Taran Killam from SNL and High Potential as Dave Christian Metopoulos from Silicon Valley and Beavis and Butthead as Shane Scott Foley From Scandal and Scream 7 as Boggs Dallas Gold Tooth from Reservation Dogs as Chaz and Penelope and the topless chick and Dr. Dhingra, Tammy Sager from Inside Amy Schumer. And writing all of your favorite shows as Russell, comedian Chris DiStefano as Jimmy James Urbaniak from Venture Brothers as Tanya, Isabella Gomez from One Day at a Time as Dottie Alyssa Lynn Paris from what We do in the Shadows as Chloe, Serena Fialo from high potential and 911 Lone Star. And as brains Jamal, Kid 1, the assistant director Steve, and the doctor, Burl Mosley. Man, this was such a good cast. This is such a fun one. But before you start listening, why don't you go to maximumfund.org joinedeadpilots and become a member for as little as $5 a month? All right, here we go. Buckle up. Here's Gimme five. Carter and Craig, tell us a little bit about what we're about to hear.

[B]

Yeah, I can start this one off. This is Craig. This is a single cam pilot we wrote. Maybe Carter, what do you think? 2016, 17, something like that?

[G]

Yeah, right after How Met yout Mother

[B]

ended a little bit after hemyum ended, and we were trying to combine two big parts of our lives. One was being writers in a writer's room, making a TV show. And another one was that I am the parent of a kid with a disability. And there was this really interesting intersection in my life between year two and three of How Much yout Mother? Where my son was born with these medical complexities and he has aberigine neck syndrome. Not to get too heavy right off the bat on this one, but it was this fun. It was this strange phenomenon of I was, like, in the neonatal intensive care unit with my son and then commuting into the How I Met yout Mother writers room. And it was like I was living between these crazy two worlds of, like, a sitcom and then, like, the. This very heavy medical drama that my life had become. By the way, my son's 18 and doing great right now. I will say that right now to make it a little lighter. But it was this insane time, and I would show up, and Carter and I would look at each other and go, now go be funny. That was sort of our mantra, like, every morning. And that's the title of this pilot. Right, Carter. And Carter was very much in all of that with me. So that informed this pilot a lot.

[G]

The one thing I would add about that is it's. And reading this now, especially in the age of, like, seeing what's kind of happened to the TV industry since we wrote this in the 10 years. So much of this show, I feel like, is about our experience in writers rooms. And the way that those writers rooms were sort of this, like. Sort of this conduit of continuity of the craft of TV writing that spanned back to the beginning. Like, we worked on How I Met yout Mother with writers from Frasier, and they worked with writers from Cheers, and they worked with writers from Taxi, going all the way back to, like, your show of shows or whatever. And so in writers rooms, you would just hear all these great stories, these legends, this lore of things that happen. Like, things like. And you'll hear in this, you know, the Mr. Belvedere thing is like, a perfect example that's sort of broken through into the real world, and people know that reference. But I just feel like there's this. We had this treasure trove of great stories that we've heard, and this felt like a way to, like, create a show that just tells all these stories and sort of dumps all these anecdotes into one container. So, yeah, that's what makes me sad about sort of like, the way. I feel like writers rooms have sort of disappeared, at least writers rooms as we knew them back then. And so this is sort of like a way to preserve that.

[F]

And we should acknowledge that you had another person writing this with you.

[G]

Yes, yes. The great Peter Tolan, who is like a hero of ours. I mean, we were such fans of Larry Sanders and Rescue Me. And so it was great just getting his. Getting his input. And he's been doing this forever also. And so he was a great addition to the team.

[B]

Yeah, there's definitely some Larry Sanders in this pilot, for sure, so it was great to have him working on it with us.

[F]

Yes. Well, I've rarely been so excited to hear a pilot read. I can't wait for this. So thank you. We will talk more later. And now here is Gimme 5. The pilot. Now go be funny. Written by Carter Bayes and Craig Thomas and Peter Tolan. We fade in. We're in an Upper east side luxury high rise building. Pleasant music as we push in on the penthouse apartment. It's the Pendleton living room. The year is 1985, and we're watching a hit family sitcom. A family sits around a coffee table playing Monopoly. They are Lacy, 15, the responsible one. Chaz, 14, the dumb one. Brains, 12, the smart one. Jamal, 11, the black one. Penelope, 10, the cute one, and their adoptive dad, Mr. Pendleton, aka Mr. P, 50s, distinguished rich guy. The large penthouse apartment is decorated for Christmas.

[E]

Yo, Mr. P. How'd you get so

[F]

good at Monopoly anyway?

[C]

Well, Jamal, until recently, making money was the only thing I cared about. But I was empty inside.

[H]

When I'm empty inside, I eat pizza.

[C]

Not that kind of empty, Chaz. But then I went down to the orphanage and adopted the five of you. And it's like I landed on Boardwalk.

[I]

Boardwalk's mine. That'll be a hundred.

[C]

Hey.

[F]

He gives Lacy a why, you little. Look.

[C]

Okay, bedtime. And don't forget your prayers.

[H]

Penelope asks Mr. P. I've been wondering, does God have an answering machine?

[C]

Now, why would you wonder that?

[H]

I have an important prayer and I don't want him to miss it. Adoy.

[C]

So what do you want to say to the big guy?

[H]

Thank you for sending us a daddy.

[F]

Aw.

[C]

Well, if you get him on the line, tell him I said thanks for sending me you. All of you. And since he's so all knowing, can you also ask him where I put my keys?

[H]

You lost your keys again?

[F]

Yeah. Oh. And the audience goes bananas. That's our catchphrase. After the laughter dies down, Mr. Pendleton just looks at Penelope for a beat and then, matter of fact, oh, Penelope, suck my balls. And we hard cut out to the writers room. We get a huge laugh from the writers seated around a table littered with old scripts. Take out condiments, pads and pencils, snack containers and a half finished bottle of Jack Daniels. We're not in sitcom 1985 anymore. This is actual 1985. A nervous writer's assistant, Steve, 22, waits at a typewriter. A couple of the writers smoke indoors. Cliff McConnell, 30s, the creator, showrunner, the grown up in a room full of children, stands before them holding the script pages he's just read aloud. What we've been watching isn't a real episode. It's a rewrite in progress.

[E]

Oh, Penelope, suck my balls. Okay, why is it every time that I leave the room for five minutes, I come Back. And what used to be a cute, sweet little script is now gasping for air under an avalanche of dick and balls.

[F]

Marty Boggs, 30s, sweat stains and self loathing chimes in.

[D]

Because unlike most of the we write, this actually gets a laugh.

[E]

Yeah, from a room full of. Can we please just write things that actually go on tv? Yes. No dicks, no balls.

[F]

The lone female writer, Sarah Wylam, 20s, Mousey, chimes in.

[H]

Oh, Penelope, suck my nuts.

[E]

Yeah, good fix. Let's put that in.

[F]

The writer's assistant, Steve, starts loudly typing.

[E]

Not really, Steve.

[F]

Steve stops typing, takes the page out and crumples it up.

[D]

Hey, speaking of nuts, did you guys hear about Mr. Belvedere?

[F]

Sniff. Russell, 20s, a stand up, endlessly cheerful and peppy, comes up from a huge line of coke. What about. What about Mr. Belvedere?

[D]

A buddy of mine is a writer over there. Yesterday morning at the table read, Mr. Belvedere walks in, you know, big fat guy, he's wearing this tracksuit, no underwear. He sits down in his chair, it crushes his own nuts.

[F]

The writers all react with astonishment and delight.

[D]

They're shut down for a month, but

[H]

the shower is nuts.

[F]

That's your first episode back. There's a mysterious helium leak. Wesley, have you finished your homework? Russell laughs way too hard at his own jokes.

[E]

This is all gold. Get this down.

[F]

Steve starts loudly typing. Cliff sighs again.

[E]

Not really, Steve. Jesus.

[F]

Sweating a bit. Steve takes the page out and crumples it up.

[E]

Okay, enough around. We're not staying for dinner. I have to go to rehearsal. Jimmy takeover.

[F]

Jimmy Deason, 50s, cold and logical. A comedy writer version of Mr. Spock looks up from his Columbia House catalog.

[J]

Hi, Captain. Sorry. Just signing up for Columbia House. 12 tapes to repenting. Not bad.

[F]

Jimmy moves into Cliff's seat next to the typewriter. Boggs rolls his eyes. Sarah pulls Cliff aside.

[H]

I don't want to say this in front of the guys, but are we really not staying for dinner? I. I have a date tonight. I really like this guy.

[E]

Yes, Sarah, you will make your date. We're not staying for dinner.

[F]

Cliff exits. Sarah turns around to the writers who are all grinning at her. So this date. Sarah sinks into her chair to take what will surely be a 20 minute riff on her sex life. As Boggs exits from the Gimme 5 production office. Continuous Boggs catches up with Cliff in the hallway.

[D]

Hey, boss.

[E]

All right, Boggs. I'm not having this conversation again. When I'm out of the room, Jimmy's in charge.

[D]

Then we're definitely staying for dinner. Because that guy should not be running a room.

[E]

Jimmy has been doing this for a long time.

[D]

Jimmy does everything. A long time. Have you watched a meet guy choose every bit, every bite. 25 times. I've counted 25. Don't believe me? Don't believe me. Count it. Tonight we definitely stay for dinner.

[E]

Go back in the room, Bugs. We're not staying for dinner.

[F]

Boggs goes back in the room. Cliff's assistant, Dottie, in her 20s, fiercely loyal, would kill for him, appears.

[H]

Hi.

[E]

Hi. Can you tell production that we are staying for dinner?

[I]

Chloe's on the phone. She's in labor.

[E]

No, she's not.

[F]

Yes, she is. Cliff smiles fondly, picks up the phone.

[E]

No, you're not.

[F]

In Cliff and Chloe's modest house, we intercut. Cliff's wife Chloe, pretty, sweet, a little needy and lonely, is nine months pregnant. She smiles, mischievous.

[I]

No, I'm not. But this is the only way I can get you on the phone.

[E]

I'm sorry I didn't build the crib last night. I will do it tonight.

[I]

Oh, too late. Did it this morning.

[E]

You built a crib? Nine months pregnant. Man, I am an asshole.

[I]

I can do lots of things. Nine months pregnant. Get home before midnight sometime and I'll show you.

[E]

Cancel rehearsal. I'm on my way.

[F]

Chloe smiles. Then with a hint of sadness.

[I]

No, you're not.

[F]

Chloe hangs up on him. It's mostly playful, but Cliff sinks a bit. Dottie has eagerly picked up the phone and dialed.

[I]

Rehearsal's canceled.

[F]

Cliff sighs and takes the phone from Dottie.

[E]

Rehearsal's not canceled. Where the hell is Dave?

[F]

The studio entrance. A lipstick red Ferrari Testarossa pulls up to the studio entrance. Two 10 year old boys happen to be rid eye on their bikes. They see this car and their worlds are rocked. A Ferrari Testarosa. Behind the wheel of the Ferrari is Dave Gold, 30s, the director of Gimme Five. Think successful Hollywood director. 1985. And that's Dave. Hair blow dried, blazer sleeves rolled up, skinny tie. He peers over the top of his Ray Bans, flashes them a winning smile and revs the engine. The kids eat this up. High fiving as he roars onto the lot. On the soundstage, the Ferrari parks in a spot. Outside the soundstage, the Ferrari parks in a spot marked Dave Gold, Director. He climbs out. Cliff awaits.

[E]

Gotten it close. Where were you?

[K]

Just doing some light reading.

[F]

He holds up a TV guide with Mr. Pendleton on the COVID The caption reads America's favorite TV dad.

[K]

In its second season, Gimme 5 is America's number two comedy second only to different strokes.

[E]

Strokes.

[K]

But the madcap zaniness of Gimme 5 is tops in at least one house. The white House. As President Reagan gushed in a recent interview. While most of Hollywood has forgotten about good old fashioned blah blah blah, bunch of dick spit about morality, Gimme 5 stands alone as an example of real

[E]

American family values madcap zaniness. I'd like to think what we do is grounded, character driven.

[K]

Cliff. Cliff. Bobby Forest for the trees. The Reagan love us. The show's going to run forever.

[B]

Syndication, baby.

[K]

All right.

[E]

Let's not count our chickens.

[K]

Who's counting chickens?

[F]

Cliff points to Dave's Ferrari license plate. Cyndic 8. Dave smiles, slightly sheepish. But not really.

[E]

It's only season two. A lot can happen between now and syndication. Did you hear about Mr. Belvedere sat on his nuts? Sat on his nuts?

[K]

Yes.

[F]

Cliff enters the soundstage and Dave follows. On the Gimme 5 soundstage. In addition to the Gimme 5 sets, Pendleton Living room, kitchen, kids, bedrooms, etc there are bleachers for the studio audience. The cast and crew mill about pre rehearsal. Shane Winters, the actor who plays Mr. Pendleton, approaches Cliff and Dave. Unlike his lovable TV Persona, Shane is mysterious, hard to read, a bit creepy at times. A serious stage actor who brings an intensity to all of his roles. Big dog.

[K]

Hey, did you hear about Mr. Belvedere?

[F]

Shane turns to Dave, whom he hates.

[C]

You mean did I hear about my dear friend Chris Hewitt, who recently suffered a very traumatic and very private injury? What about him, Dave?

[K]

He sat on his nuts.

[F]

Shane stares at Dave witheringly, but Cliff jumps in.

[E]

Hey, Shane, you see this? America's favorite TV dad.

[F]

Cliff hands Shane the TV Guide. He smirks at it.

[C]

Not exactly my Tony for American Buffalo, but I suppose one could rest a cocktail on this.

[F]

Shane tosses it onto a table. It slides to the floor.

[C]

A couple of questions on the script here, where my character says, kids, my dad taught me to swim the old fashioned way. Throwing me in the deep end and letting me sink. You see the. You see the problem, right?

[E]

Well, it's a joke. Too harsh.

[F]

Shane stares at Cliff like he's unspeakably dim.

[C]

My character doesn't have a father.

[E]

He doesn't.

[C]

Mr. Pendleton's father is dead. Suicide.

[E]

Oh, okay. Have we indicated that at any point on the show?

[F]

Shane again looks at Cliff like he's an imbecile.

[C]

It's all over the show, Cliff. It is the show. It's.

[E]

Hmm.

[C]

It's the subtext of the show. Mr. P's father's death is the reason he took these five kids in. To spare them the emptiness he spent his whole life running from. But hey, it's not like this one joke undermines my entire understanding of the character. Let's leave it in. Let's leave it in.

[E]

We'll cut the joke.

[C]

Would you? Ugh. I don't want to meddle.

[E]

It's an easy fix to preserve crucial backstories. Done.

[C]

Good, Good. Just a few more questions.

[F]

Shane flips through more pages rife with dog ears and post its Cliff and Dave sink until they hear an assistant director circle up, everyone.

[C]

Alas. To be continued.

[K]

Great notes, Big Dog. Always a privilege to get inside that brain.

[F]

Shane joins the circle. Cliff and Dave sigh, relieved.

[E]

Thank God.

[K]

Literally.

[F]

Prayer circle time, everyone.

[A]

Craig, I've been struggling and I gotta talk to you about it.

[B]

Please. I'm here.

[A]

Yeah, I've just been. I've been carrying around these bulky drinks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've been cleaning melted candy out of my pockets for far too long. But I have a solution.

[B]

What's the solution? I need to know.

[A]

I've discovered Fruity Rainbow five Hour Energy Shots.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[I]

Hi, I'm Rebecca Ford.

[F]

And I'm John Ross.

[I]

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[F]

And just because the Oscars are done

[B]

for now doesn't mean we are.

[I]

Join us every week for coverage of the biggest stories in Hollywood, interviews with today's brightest stars, and so much more.

[F]

Listen to Little Gold Men every Thursday. Wherever you get your podcasts,

[A]

when thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. It can change how you feel day in and day out. And there's so much noise out there, gimmicky products, conflicting advice, expensive clinic visits. It's hard to know what actually works. That's why HIMS makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth with personalized care that fits your life all online.

[B]

And this is one of those things that we. We're old guys, right? We're looking back on our misspent youth making a TV show. But if, you know, if we could do it all over again and go back in a time machine. Alec, we know you. You don't have a. I wouldn't say you have a huge amount of hair. Sure, you have a good look, you keep it tight, it works for you. But when you. When you were losing your hair in your 20s, 30s, you didn't have hims. You didn't have something great like hims that could have given you that choice. And now it's available to people who aren't old like us, Correct?

[K]

Absolutely. I would say that in my 20s, what did exist was very complicated.

[B]

Right.

[K]

It felt like this. All these products I had to do. And I was going to say it wasn't available online. I don't think there was online.

[B]

It was a lot of, like. It was a lot of, like, tonics that were sold by, like, traveling salesmen who also had a circus.

[K]

Yes, yes. It was that Paul McCartney video.

[A]

They were always bursting into song.

[F]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Yes, I definitely. If it were as simple as this,

[F]

I mean, of course I would have done this.

[A]

But you've committed. You've been with this Telly Savalas look for a long, long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I don't know. But if you ever decided you want it to sprout more hair.

[K]

I think podcast listeners would be confused if I started all of a sudden to have a full head of hair.

[A]

But I'll.

[B]

Listeners, though. I like listeners. They can hear your hair. I'm confused by this.

[A]

I would love it if just week to week, you just had more and more hair out and we didn't comment on it.

[B]

I know. Well, so if you're too young to know who Telly Savalas is with our hip Kojak reference, we just made you have a choice to use hims that. That we owe. That us old guys didn't have. And that is a cool choice to have.

[A]

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[B]

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[F]

Tanya Ray Richmond the barely 18 year old Southern actress who plays Mr. B's eldest daughter, 15 year old Lacy, walks the line between wholesome and troublingly sexual. Stands at the center of a large circle of cast and crew, none of whom seem particularly into this whole prayer circle thing. Prayer CIRCLE Everyone line up for the prayer.

[E]

Pat Kenny.

[F]

The AD barks at two stagehands smoking by the props card. Pat is telling Kenny about some girl. The way we know this is that Pat is miming a girl from behind while grabbing her tits. God damn it, you assholes. It's time for the prayer circle. Sorry Tanya Ray. Tanya Ray smiles politely as Pat and Kenny join the large prayer circle as do Cliff and Dave.

[I]

Please join hand y'.

[A]

All.

[F]

Everyone does so Dave has to hold Pat's hand, Cliff Kenny's. They are not the cleanest hands in the world.

[I]

Dear Lord, let us have a blessed rehearsal. Let Thy holy light shine upon us. For thy art thou maker and thine art thou shepherd and he hath maketh thou children in thine image.

[K]

Is this Leviticus?

[E]

I believe it's bullshitticus.

[F]

Dave and Cliff stifle a laugh back on Tanya still talking and now a

[I]

moment of silent prayer.

[F]

Everyone obeys, but Cliff notices something in the prayer circle. Tanya happens to be holding hands with Shane and Shane just happens to be subtly caressing her hand with his fingers. She smiles coyly at him. Cliff's eyes widen. He nudges Dave, who follows his gaze and notices yikes in the parking lot. Moments later, Cliff, horrified and Dave, in denial, exit the stage.

[E]

Tell me you saw that.

[K]

I don't know what I saw.

[E]

You saw the next cover of TV Guide. America's favorite TV dad fucking his daughter.

[K]

No way. He was just being fatherly.

[E]

Do you Think Tanya Ray's actual father touches her like that?

[K]

Well, she is from the South. Look, even if there were something going on, which there's not. Tanya Ray's 18. It's, it's okay.

[E]

She plays his daughter. If you found out that Punky Brewster was blowing Henry between takes, would that be okay? If it turned out that George and Bam were secretly double teaming Webster, could you still enjoy that show? If Bill Cosby.

[K]

Okay, okay. It's not okay.

[E]

If this gets out, we will get canceled. All of this goes away. The house, the girls, the car.

[F]

Okay, this gets Dave's attention.

[K]

Yes, yes, you're right. You're right. I, I. Okay, I guess you better talk to Shane maybe. Fuck you.

[E]

You're the director. You put out a fire for once. Okay. Jesus Christ.

[F]

Cliff's assistant Dottie runs up, excited.

[I]

Cliff, your wife's in labor.

[E]

Oh, Dottie, she's not in labor. That's just a running joke that we.

[I]

Cliff, she's in labor for real.

[F]

A beat. As this registers, Cliff slowly starts to smile.

[E]

Holy shit. I'm gonna be a dad.

[K]

Congrats.

[F]

Dave hugs Cliff, who then runs off.

[K]

Okay, don't worry, we'll hold down the fort, all right? And we'll just hit pause on that other little thing for now.

[F]

There's a beat. Cliff runs back in.

[E]

Deal with it today.

[F]

Cliff runs back out as Dave's smile disappears. In the Pendleton penthouse living room at night, we're watching another scene from the Gimme 5 Christmas episode. Mr. P and the five kids decorate a Christmas tree. Mr. P is in a Super 80s Christmas sweater.

[I]

What trade should we leave on the mantel for Santa?

[F]

By my calculations, Santa flies around the entire circumference of the earth. 24859.82 miles. Thus his treat should be protein based vanilla ice cream with almonds.

[H]

Ice cream? Santa's been freezing his patootie off in the North Pole. He wants hot chocolate.

[F]

Did someone say hot chocolate? Jamal punctuates this with a completely out of context breakdance move. The audience whoops and claps along with the music that starts playing. As Jamal dances, we hard cut out to the writers room. Boggs, reading this script page, interjects with disgusting.

[D]

And then he just does a dance for no goddamn reason.

[J]

The audience likes it when Jamal jives out to a funky urban groove.

[D]

Just, just get to the joke, right?

[J]

So he does a break dance. And then Penelope says, and in the

[F]

Pendleton penthouse living room, there as they were.

[H]

Mr. P. What treat do you think Santa wants?

[C]

Oh, nothing much. Just a Porsche 944.

[F]

The studio audience laughs. Charmed. But it turns into dead silence in the writer's room. All the writers just stare at Jimmy.

[D]

That's not funny.

[J]

Sure it is.

[H]

No, it's not. It's just him saying, a kind of car.

[J]

Well, it's funny in several ways. First, there's a reversal when Mr. P says, oh, nothing much. We expect what comes next to be something inexpensive. However, a base model Porsche 944 lists at about $20,000, so there's absurdity at work there. Second, we're implying that since Santa is really Mr. P, he's the one who knows what Santa really wants. So the second way it's funny is as a sly wink to the grownups. The third way is incongruity. A traditional treat for Santa would be a sweet at some kind, such as brownies, not a high performance luxury automobile. Those are the three ways it's funny.

[F]

Another long silent beat as the writers stare at Jimmy.

[D]

Oh yeah, you're right. It's fucking hilarious.

[H]

Jimmy, you're running the room. If you like this joke, let's just put it in and move on.

[F]

That's exactly what Sarah's gonna say later on her date. All eyes turn to Jimmy. Jimmy leans back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. He thinks. And finally, what else? Everyone thinks it's gonna be a long night. Russell starts tapping more cocaine out of a vial, preparing some lines. Boggs, miserable, gets up from his seat and then sits down hard. He does it again and again. He keeps doing it. What are you doing?

[D]

Oh, trying to sit on my own nuts.

[F]

In the hospital delivery room, Chloe is pushing. Cliff holds her hand. After one last big push, the doctor has the baby in his hands.

[E]

It's a boy. Oh, he did it, baby. You did it.

[F]

They kiss. The doctor inspects the baby's face, puts a stethoscope to his chest. Concerned, he signals the nurses. The doctor and nurses start whispering amongst themselves. Their backs turn to Cliff and Chloe. They're pointing out and discussing unseen features of the baby.

[I]

Holden.

[F]

Cliff notices the odd huddled whispering.

[E]

Is everything okay, doctor? Is everything okay?

[F]

The huddled group keeps whispering outside Shane's trailer. Dave is dreading this. He looks over at his Ferrari with its Syndicate license plate and he knows it must be done. He takes a deep breath, knocks on the door, and Shane opens the door.

[K]

Big Dog, got a minute?

[F]

Inside Shane's trailer, Dave paces awkwardly. Shane lounges on the couch. Dave points to one of the many posters from Shane's Broadway days.

[K]

Oh. View from the bridge. Oh man, I wish I could have seen you in that. Such a powerful show.

[C]

Tell me one thing about that play, Dave. Any detail.

[K]

Shane, you're a consummate professional, so it's probably off base to even ask this, but. You and Tanya. RAY.

[C]

Yes?

[L]

Is there

[K]

anything I need to know?

[C]

Like what exactly?

[F]

Dave sits down next to Shane, acting like they're close.

[K]

SHANE Bobby, it's me. I need you to tell me the truth.

[F]

Shane smiles inscrutably like an owl about to eat a mouse.

[C]

The truth.

[F]

Shane gets up, goes to the wall and touches the poster from one of his Broadway triumphs, running his fingertips across it like an emot.

[C]

The truth is very important to an actor, David. The most important thing, really. Once at the Actor Studio I was asked to improvise a scene with Gene Stapleton. Two lovers reunited. The scene went on for six hours and in those six hours we made love twice. Full penetration. Right in front of the class. Do you know why? Because it was the truth.

[K]

You fucked Edith Bunker in front of people.

[C]

I love theater, David. And I love New York theater most of all. But New York is expensive. Now because of my Broadway success for years, Hollywood sent me a big stack of scripts every Christmas. Sitcom pilots. We love you, Shane. Take your pick. And every year, guess which script I chose?

[K]

The most truthful one.

[C]

The biggest piece of shit. So that way, every spring I'd pop out to la, shoot a pilot, make rent for the year and. And then head home confident that the 4 camera abortion I just sleepwalked my way through would never be seen by human eyes. And that plan worked gangbusters for a long time until last year. Because last year the biggest piece of shit was a piece of shit called Gimme five. And now here I am in Los Angeles under contract to play Mr. P for seven years. One of these days I'm gonna hit bottom, David. And when I finally stumble out onto the 405 to French kiss that speeding 18 wheeler and the obituary headline sums up my entire existence in a single sentence, I know one thing with absolute certainty. That sentence will contain the word gimme and the word five. And I will spend eternity screaming in agony as those words are branded onto my charred flesh over and over by the devil himself in the fiery pits of hell.

[K]

The Reagan's like the show.

[C]

I'm not Tanya, Ray, if that's what you're getting at.

[K]

Oh thank God that is what I was getting at.

[B]

And phew.

[C]

Tanya's like a daughter to me for you to come in here and Accuse me of something like that. Honestly, it's insulting.

[K]

You're right. You're right 100%.

[C]

You messed up Dave. And now you need to be punished.

[K]

What do you mean?

[C]

What do you think I mean? I'm gonna fuck Tanya, Ray.

[K]

What?

[C]

Yes. I wasn't before, but now I am. This is happening for two simple reasons. One, she has an ass like baked bread.

[K]

You just said she's like a daughter.

[C]

Two, because you made this happen, booby.

[F]

Shane picks up the phone and starts dialing.

[K]

You're messing with me, right? If this, if this gets out, we'll get canceled.

[C]

Oh no. Wouldn't want that. Bye David.

[K]

Shane.

[F]

But Shane is already on the phone with someone.

[C]

Chris, it's Shane. Oh sweetie, I just heard about your little ouchie. Oh.

[F]

Dave is stunned. Shane waves bye bye to him. In the hospital private room, Cliff and Chloe, looking stunned, sit across from Dr. Dhingra, an Indian woman in her 50s who has just given them some life changing news after a long pause.

[E]

Down syndrome. No. No, that can't be.

[I]

But I. I had an amnio. Everything was okay.

[H]

The amnio only gives a probability. Only when the child is born can we know for sure. I know this is hard, but we can give you a roadmap. The right therapies, the right doctors, the right schools. You'd be surprised how well these kids can do. Any parent of a child like this will tell you there are reasons, rewards to raising a child.

[F]

That word hits Cliff like a ton of bricks. Chloe starts to cry, shuddering. Cliff holds her in the Gimme 5 production office Sarah sits in a cubicle trying to have a private phone conversation. It's not easy.

[H]

I know. I'm so sorry. I. I was really looking forward to dinner and that too. I mean definitely that too. But hey, maybe tomorrow night. No, I understand. What do you want to come over here to the office a little later?

[F]

She silently curses herself knowing this is a terrible idea. In the writer's room, Sarah slips back into the room as a stressed out Dave reads over the writer's assistant's shoulder at a typewriter.

[K]

You kidding me? You're still on page three.

[J]

We're very close.

[K]

No, page three is not very close, Jimmy. We shoot this tomorrow night, which means we rehearse it tomorrow morning, which means it needs to be done by then.

[J]

Well, you know, back on Brady we want.

[D]

God, just say the Brady Bunch.

[J]

We once spend three days on a line. It was the episode where Peter wanted a new personality as Jimmy blathers on

[F]

with yet another chestnut from behind the scenes on Brady Dave looks out the window to the parking lot. Shane and Tanya Ray stand by the trailers, casually chatting. Shane looks up, sees Dave watching him, then turns to Tanya and gives her a long hug, shooting a mischievous grin at Dave the whole time behind her back. Shane points to Tanya Ray then makes the international hand signal for fucking. Back in the writer's room, Dave, watching from above, is horrified.

[J]

And that line, of course, was pork chops and applesauce.

[K]

God damn it. Just get it done.

[F]

Dave goes to exit, but Dottie appears in the doorway.

[I]

DAVE I I just heard from Cliff.

[K]

Is he sick of being a dad yet? Can he come back and run this rewrite?

[I]

Something's wrong.

[F]

Dave sees that Dottie is shaking and we cut to outside the hospital. Dave's Ferrari screeches up outside the hospital. In the hallway, Dave finds a grim Cliff in the hall and hugs his friend in the nursery. A little later, Cliff and Dave are looking at the newborns behind the glass.

[K]

Are they sure? I mean, he doesn't look any different from the others.

[E]

Sure. Retarded. That's the word the doctor used. Retarded. That's supposed to be someone else's kid, you know, that's the guy bagging groceries at the supermarket. That's not our son. When Chloe heard that word, it just broke her.

[K]

It's a tough word.

[E]

I close my eyes. It's all I see in big red letters. And I just want to hit somebody.

[K]

All right, well, if that's what you need. Hit that old lady.

[F]

He nods to an elderly cleaning lady just across the hall. Cliff does not laugh. Dave takes the hint. No jokes today.

[K]

Listen, Cliff, take as much time as you need. The show's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

[F]

Silence as the two men wonder what okay even means anymore.

[K]

I didn't even ask. What's his name?

[E]

Oliver.

[F]

And that's when Cliff starts to cry. Dave throws an arm around his friend and partner's shoulder as he sobs quietly. Back in the writers room, sure enough, the writers have ordered dinner. It's a somber mood where Cliff you imagine.

[D]

Oh, it's just awful. Of course, some people with down syndrome do pretty well in life.

[H]

No, they don't. What, you're gonna make a joke?

[D]

I would never make a joke about something like this.

[H]

That was a setup. You were gonna say some people, down syndrome do pretty well in life. I mean, just look at Russell.

[D]

That's not what I was gonna say.

[H]

Garbage.

[F]

Russell does a huge line of coke, claps his hands. Got it. Then Penelope says, daddy what treat does Santa want? During the following, Russell's nose starts bleeding. The blood runs down his upper lip, and Mr. P's like, well, maybe Ms. Claus could lose 10 pounds and buy some Victoria's Secret. Boom. Huge noise through the roof. Russell smiles, oblivious. There's blood on his teeth.

[H]

Oh, God.

[F]

Well, of course. I mean, she doesn't like it. Chicks aren't funny. Probably on the rag. Right, fellas?

[H]

No. Your nose is on the rag.

[D]

Please.

[J]

10 near physical appearance.

[I]

Russell.

[F]

Russell touches his face and sees blood on his fingers.

[A]

Oops.

[F]

Don't mind me. I just got back from a romantic night with Mike Tyson. But I. Russell looks for a napkin or a piece of paper to plug up his nose. Sighing, Sarah hands him a tampon.

[D]

Jimmy, we've been on the same spot for hours. Can we just put in your Porsche joke and move on? I really love that joke. I get how it's funny now.

[F]

A beat as Jimmy thinks about it. Finally, what else? Jimmy takes another bite of food and starts slowly chewing. One, two, three. Boggs begins banging his head on the table.

[A]

Hey, before we jump back into the show, let's take a quick break. But not just any break. This is a refreshing break with Snapple. We all know about Snapple's iconic real facts, so let's take a minute to go over some of my faves.

[B]

Snapple Real Fact 1978. More than 40 buildings in New York have their own zip codes.

[A]

Snapple Real Fact 1667. Lovebirds are actual birds.

[B]

Snapple Real Fact 2002. On May 1, 1931, the Empire State Building officially opened in New York city.

[F]

Ready?

[A]

Snapple RealFact 253. The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.

[B]

So grab a Snapple, take a second and enjoy the moment. Because let's be honest, this might be the most refreshing part of your day. Snapple, make your break more interesting. All right, now let's get back to the show.

[F]

We go to Dave's Hollywood Hills house, the rooftop patio. The most awesome 1980s Los Angeles rooftop with an amazing view and a hot tub with a topless chick in it. But Dave's not focusing on her. He stands at the railing, looking out at the twinkling city before him, contemplating it all. The wind whips through his hair, which stays mostly in place thanks to all the styling mousse he uses. Dave has carefully staged his own deep moment. There's a music cue in the air tonight by Phil Collins. Dave's cordless phone rings. He pulls out the antenna. Go for Dave in the Gimme 5 production office. Dottie is at her desk, concerned.

[I]

It's Dottie. Is this a bad time?

[F]

Dave thinks he's a character in a Michael Mann movie. He looks extraordinarily mellow and pensive.

[K]

No, just up here on the roof looking out at the City of Angels and a few devils.

[E]

Yeah.

[K]

When life starts getting to me, I like to come up here with my horn.

[F]

He gestures to an alto saxophone on a stand next to him and shake

[K]

hands with the blues.

[I]

I've got chain for you.

[F]

This kills the mood immediately.

[K]

Oh God damn it. What does he want?

[F]

Dottie puts the call through in the living room. It's a living room of a young single woman in 1984. Pink Wall Rob Lowe poster. Shane melts into the couch, completely up talking into a cherry red lips phone. Hello DAVID Jesus.

[K]

What are you on?

[C]

SHANE Kludes and wine coolers. David David when I first met you I thought look at this. West coast. Spoiled, creatively bankrupt. The enemy of art.

[F]

But now Shane loses his train of thought.

[C]

Huh? What?

[K]

SHANE I have company.

[C]

I don't want to fight with you, David. David we're so lucky that we get to do this for a living. And I'm sorry I've been an asshole. I am. I'm gonna do better for the show and for you, my friend.

[F]

Dave doesn't know what to make of this. All he can say is thank you Shane.

[C]

Also, Tanya says hi.

[E]

Say hi Tanya.

[F]

We reveal Tanya sitting cross legged in her underwear playing Atari with her girlfriend, also in her underwear. They're both drunk off their asses.

[I]

Hi Tanya.

[F]

She laughs and Shane laughs too. Dave does not laugh.

[K]

Is that Shane? I swear to God.

[F]

Shane hangs up.

[K]

SHANE God damn it.

[F]

Dave hangs up and angrily tries to put the antenna back, bending it in the process. The topless chick in his hot tub puffs on a joint in a roach clip. After a beat she says, did you

[H]

hear about Mr. Belvedere in the writer's room?

[F]

It's deep into the night. Everyone's exhausted, sitting in silence, trying to think of the joke that gets them out of here. There's a knock at the door. They all look up. A guy who's sort of handsome in an 80s kind of way is standing in the doorway. Sarah sees him and gets up.

[H]

Hi, sorry. I'll be back in 10 minutes.

[F]

She takes the guy by the hand and leads him down the hall into the women's bathroom. Bog sees this wide eyed holy exterior of Los Angeles. Hours go by. Night passes. The sun comes up over THE CITY in the hospital private room at dawn. Light creeps through the curtains. Chloe is asleep in bed. Cliff sits with baby Oliver in his lap. He looks down at his son in the early morning light, trying to understand him. Oliver coos gently, reflexively. Cliff smiles. A lovely little moment of communion between father and son. Despite all the pain, Cliff really does love this boy. The phone rings a loud old school bell. The baby starts to fuss. Cliff sighs and answers it.

[E]

Hello?

[F]

In the Gimme 5 production office, it's Boggs calling surreptitiously from the bullpen. The office is dark, the only light coming from the writer's room in the distance. Boggs whispers conspiratorially.

[K]

It's.

[D]

It's Boggs. Sorry to bother you, but there's some bad going down over here.

[E]

Well, Bugs, I wish you strength in this, your hour of need.

[D]

Okay, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I know you guys are having a hard time and this doesn't compare, but yeah, this is a nightmare. Jimmy kept us here all night. We're just still on page five. I know you don't want to deal with this all, so all you need to say are four little words. Box. You're in charge. Say those words and I promise you.

[E]

Is there anything else, Bugs?

[D]

I think Sarah blew a guy in the ladies room.

[F]

Cliff hangs up. We reveal Chloe having woken up.

[E]

I'm sorry. I can't believe those idiots would call me here and try.

[I]

Go to work. Fix it.

[F]

Cliff is taken aback.

[E]

What? No. You need me here.

[I]

What if I said the thought of you smiling in a writer's room made me happier than the thought of you frowning in that chair?

[E]

You actually think I can go back to writing dumb jokes now?

[I]

Why not?

[E]

Because nothing's funny. Nothing will ever be funny again. I. I just can't.

[I]

You can. You have to.

[E]

Why are you saying this? All right, you hate my job. You never see me. You think I'm a better writer than this shit. Why would I go back there?

[I]

Therapies, doctors, special schools. All the things the doctor talked about. The things that can make our son's life better. They cost money. Lots of it. So go write dumb jokes, Cliff. Write them until we're rich. Write them until we're so fucking rich that when we die, Oliver will be okay forever.

[H]

That's why

[F]

Cliff takes this in. He looks down angle on Oliver sweetly sleeping cradled in Cliff's two hands. We match. CUT to the writer's room. Dave holding page three of the script in his hands. Dave looks up, stares at Jimmy Agape. And then.

[K]

Is this a practical joke? Are Dick Clark and Ed McMahon hiding under the table?

[J]

Some jokes take longer than others.

[K]

Do you assholes know how hard it is to get out of a waterbed when there's a Hawaiian Tropic model lying in it wearing nothing but a G string and one of those tops where you only see the bottom of her boobs? Because that's what I had to do this morning at 7am So I could come here to rehearse a script that you haven't fucking written yet. Are you kidding me?

[E]

Hey, guys.

[F]

Dave turns around and there's Cliff in the doorway. Dave drops the page, stunned. It's awkward. Everyone here knows Cliff's situation, but nobody says a word.

[E]

What page we on? Oh, nothing much. Just a Porsche 944.

[F]

Cliff's non reaction speaks volumes.

[D]

Hey, it's funny in several ways.

[J]

It will get a laugh.

[E]

Did anyone here laugh at it?

[F]

What's laughter?

[H]

That's Russell's out of cocaine voice.

[F]

Cliff sits at the head of the table. Everyone perks up.

[E]

All right, we can beat this. Mr. P. What treat do you think Santo wants? Well, honey.

[F]

And we flash to the Pendleton living room. The same Christmas scene we saw earlier.

[C]

Santa's had a long night. Pour a little scotch in a cup, then leave Santa the rest of the bottle.

[F]

Back to the writer's room. This gets the room's attention.

[D]

It's not bad.

[H]

Yeah, drunk Santa's kind of funny.

[B]

Yes.

[J]

Santa drinking scotch feels a little edgy. Are we sure we like that better than the Porsche joke?

[H]

Yes. Oh my God.

[D]

Eat a never ending buffet of thick black, Jimmy.

[K]

Okay, Scott's joke it is. Let's put it in and move on.

[E]

No one laughed at that either. Come on, let's keep thinking.

[J]

Well, do we even need a joke here?

[F]

Steve looks up from his typewriter. Are you kidding me? Whoa. Jimmy broke Steve.

[J]

Could it just be something like we

[F]

flashed to the living room the same Christmas scene we saw earlier.

[J]

Ah.

[C]

Santa already has the perfect treat right here. The five of you.

[F]

Oh. Back to the writer's room. The writers glare at Jimmy, the audience

[J]

loves, and everything's gonna be okay.

[F]

Moment Cliff thinks about this, gets a little twinkle in his eye.

[E]

Everything's gonna be okay. It's a good angle, Jimmy. All right, building off of that, back

[F]

to the same Christmas scene, Mr. P gestures to Lacy, Tanya, Ray.

[C]

Santa already has the perfect treat right here. Your sister's hot wet pussy.

[F]

The studio audience gasps. Back to the writers room. Everyone cracks up. Most of all, Dave. This Hits close to home. Even Cliff laughs at his own joke. It feels good. He was certain he'd never laugh again.

[K]

No, no, not cool.

[F]

But Dave is laughing. Russell jumps up, acting it out. Yeah, and then Mr. P stands up and he bends Lacey over the couch and he just starts flowering her right there in front of everybody. The room laughs and Lacey's like. Back in the living room, the other kids watch on an abject horror as Mr. Pendleton and Lacey go at it on the couch.

[I]

Oh, yeah, Mr. P. Back in the

[F]

writers room, the laughter continues. Give me five. Give me five. More like give me 15. A huge laugh. Cliff takes the ball and runs with it as the room cracks up. For Cliff, this is like oxygen. We are watching a man come back to life.

[E]

Yes, that's perfect, Steve. Get all this down.

[F]

Steve, cracking up and going with the joke, starts typing.

[E]

Mr. P keeps her. As we cut to a shot of the live studio audience. Everyone's losing their. They all start throwing up on each other. Then we cut to Nancy Reagan watching in the White House while Ronnie's her up the ass from behind. And he's like, oh, yeah, Mommy, here come the jelly beans. And then he blows his load. And then she shits out all onto the carpet and. And then the jizz. It actually spells out Merry Christmas from Gimme 5. Everything's gonna be okay. You. The end.

[F]

Everyone is losing their minds with laughter. It's not particularly funny, but these people have been up all night. Boggs and Russell are practically crying.

[D]

Oh, God.

[F]

Why are we laughing at this? Because we're a bunch of retards. And all of a sudden, Cliff punches Russell in the face, hard, breaking his nose. Russell falls to the floor. The laughter dies quickly. Russell looks up, stunned. Nobody can believe what just happened, least of all Cliff. There's a long beat of silence, and we hard cut to the Pendleton living room, the actual show. The live studio audience watches the Christmas scene.

[H]

Mr. P, what treat do you think Santa wants?

[C]

Oh, nothing much. Just a Porsche 944.

[F]

Huge laugh. The audience eats it up. In the darkness at the edge of the stage, Cliff watches by himself. The writers, Dave Boggs, Sarah, Russell with his nose bandaged, and Jimmy stand closer, listening to the laughter. Jimmy smiles, satisfied. It got a laugh. All right, there you have it. Give me five. So funny, so moving. Just a really incredible piece of work. And that would just be sitting on the cloud or in hard drives, Carter and Craig's hard drives, if it was not for Dead Pilot Society. I think that's something that's worth supporting that we get these shows. We bring them to life. We make them available for you to listen. Listen to the writers, get to hear their work. No one else is doing this. I hope you you you're motivated to become a part of the Dead Pilots Society by going to maximumfun.org joinedead pilots and becoming a member. Or if you're already a member, think about boosting or upgrading. We've got a great year year of Pilots we're going to be bringing you and we'd love for your support as a member. All right, thanks so much. We'll be back with a lot more this week, including the second half of my interview with Carter and Craig and more of our countdown of the top five funniest cold opens in Dead Pilot Society history. Okay, you'll be hearing more from me very soon, but thanks so much for listening. Listening. I'm Andrew Reich. Until next time, take care.

[M]

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[L]

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