Presenting: Dead Pilots Society table read of "New York Mythological" by Craig Thomas & Carter Bays

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: How We Made Your Mother
Episode: Presenting: Dead Pilots Society table read of "New York Mythological" by Craig Thomas & Carter Bays
Date: May 14, 2026
Hosts: Josh Radnor, Craig Thomas
Special Guests: Carter Bays, Andrew Reich
Featured Table Read Cast: Isabella Gomez, Devin Bostick, Alyssa Lyn Paris, Josh Fadem, Cal Penn, Angelian Serena Fiallo, Tammy Sager
Main Theme: A special episode featuring the unproduced sitcom pilot “New York Mythological,” described as a blend of How I Met Your Mother, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Ghostbusters, performed in a full table read via the Dead Pilots Society podcast.

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Episode Overview

This episode departs from the usual HIMYM retrospective to present a unique treat: a table read of the “dead pilot” New York Mythological, written by How I Met Your Mother creators Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. The story, which never made it to pilot, is revived in a live reading by a talented cast, capturing the creators' signature mix of romance, eccentric friendship, and supernatural mystery set in New York. Host Andrew Reich frames the table read with context about Dead Pilots Society’s mission, and Carter and Craig share the pilot’s creative origins and what it meant to them.

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Section 1: Setting the Stage

[03:03–13:00]

• Dead Pilots Society Introduction: Andrew Reich introduces the premise of the show: giving new life to unproduced pilots with table reads by professional actors. He highlights the recent success story of a vampire-themed Dead Pilot being resurrected for CBS and frames the stage for New York Mythological, which he dubs “HIMYM meets Ghostbusters.”
• Creators’ Reflections:
  • Carter Bays and Craig Thomas reminisce about pitching and developing this pilot right after HIMYM ended.
  • The initial pitch: “It sort of felt like this was kind of like How I Met Your Mother meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know, set in New York in a crazy, kooky museum.” (Pete/Carter Bays, 11:00)
  • The CBS experience: They recall the network’s request to remove magical elements, which derailed the concept.
  • Tone is warm, self-deprecating, and nostalgic, echoing their signature humor from HIMYM.
• Notable Quote:
  • “We tried to do it all. And that’s why it worked and ran eight seasons. Oh, wait, it’s a dead pilot and we’re reading it now.” — Craig Thomas (12:34)

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Section 2: Table Read — “New York Mythological”

[13:04–58:21]
(Key plot points and major scenes; see timestamps for act breaks and highlights.)

Act 1 – The Magical New York Cold Open & Museum Introductions

[13:04–24:06]

• Cold Open: Carl, a young man, is inexplicably recognized (and reviled) by every woman in New York. Memorable, funny sequence features a female cabbie barking “Bite me, Carl” ([14:39]), setting the episode’s quirky, surreal tone.
• Nessie Arrives: Midwest transplant Nessie interviews for an assistant curator job at the obscure New York Museum of Mythological History; she’s greeted by the oddball staff: Sam (maintenance), Lindsay (tough acquisitions), Pete (eccentric curator).
• Humor & Heart: Banter flows—Sam’s awkward, Lindsay’s acerbic (“You fell off an actual turnip truck?”, 18:43), Pete’s obsessed with scientific “fecal samples” for Bigfoot research.
• Notable Quote:
  • “Your vocabulary does not include the word ‘ew’. Welcome aboard.” — Pete ([22:04])

Act 2 – Love, Witches, and the Curse of Carl Hobbs

[30:01–43:58]

• Romance Montage: Nessie and Carl have a magical NYC date. Nessie wakes up alone; Carl vanished.
• Museum Gossip: Lindsay and Sam reveal a “Carl Hobbs” legend—he ghosts every woman in town, and every woman has the same memory of him. Pete posits a mass delusion.
• The Witch Twist: Carl confesses he’s been cursed since he ghosted “Rachel Thorne.” Now every woman in the city thinks she slept with him—and hates him. The team theorizes Rachel is an actual witch.
• Comic Supernaturalism:
  • Carl’s phone: “His text counter is at 4,187,935 and counting.” ([38:12])
  • Pete’s diagnosis: “You are in the throes of a class B externally confabulated collective amnesis.” ([37:36])
• Key Moment: The gang stakes out Rachel, and Carl confronts her; she turns him into a frog before their eyes.
• Notable Quote:
  • “Witches don’t reverse the curse and no reverse curse. Curse, reverse, brother. No curse. Reverse.” — Pete ([41:51])

Act 3 – Friendship, Courage, and Breaking the Spell

[47:56–58:21]

• Down and Out: The crew drowns their sorrows at the pub, staring at frog-Carl. Nessie, disillusioned, decides to return to Wisconsin, but Sam appeals to the magic (and mayhem) that makes New York special.
• Empowerment & Confrontation: Inspired, Nessie confronts Rachel to demand Carl’s restoration. The scene blends comedy with magical tension (Rachel’s eyes glow red as she nearly casts a spell, but then has to answer a cable company call).
• Resolution via RadioShack: Nessie fixes Rachel’s Wi-Fi, bargaining for the curse to be lifted. A playful riff: only a kiss can break the spell—Nessie humors the bit before Rachel simply waves her hand and restores Carl.
• Romantic/Bittersweet Closure:
  • Carl, grateful, offers to introduce Nessie to his parents, but she vanishes—an echo of the city’s fleeting connections.
• Final Tag: Back at the Museum, Nessie earns her badge, bonding with Lindsay. The group preps for their next supernatural NYC adventure (tracking a werewolf, not a Sasquatch, per Pete’s feces sample), and the camera pans to a two-headed pigeon atop the museum.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “New York needs people with good magic inside them, Nessie. Or else we’re lost.” — Sam ([51:32])
  • “You know, there’s a word for girls like you. New Yorker.” — Lindsay ([57:33])
  • “Let’s go catch a werewolf.” — Nessie ([57:56])

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Section 3: Notable Moments and Memorable Quotes

• Absurdist Cold Open: The barrage of angry New York women confronting Carl, culminating in an old lady declaring, “What we had was magical,” then kissing and slapping him. ([14:52])
• A Museum for the Weird: “Is this really science? Like two-headed pigeons?” — Nessie (20:33)
• Pete’s Fecal Obsession: “Your feces tells a life story… If I want to know about you, you think I’m going to read your diary? No, I’m going to examine your feces.” — Pete ([41:32])
• Modern New York Wisdom: “When it’s cold, it is up yours cold. When it’s hot it is, screw you hot. And yes, sometimes people get turned into frogs.” — Sam ([50:08])
• Breaking the Curse the Practical Way: Nessie offers to fix Rachel’s Wi-Fi, ending the standoff with a nerdy, real-world solution instead of fairy tale tropes. ([54:20])
• Final Sisters-in-Arms Moment: “Well, well. Same clothes as last night. You know, there’s a word for girls like you: New Yorker.” — Lindsay ([57:33])

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Section 4: Episode Takeaways & Legacy

• New York Mythological embodies the creators’ love of magical realism and how dating, friendship, ambition, and heartbreak are themselves a kind of “urban mythology.”
• Despite never being produced, the script sparkles with HIMYM-style wit, ensemble chemistry, and affection for New York’s strivers and dreamers.
• The table read’s tone is equal parts nostalgia, comedy, and appreciation for the unsung creativity behind TV pilot season.
• Table read format highlights both the fun and the bittersweetness of “what could have been.”
• Cultural Parallels: The show’s “dating and the supernatural as metaphor” nods affectionately to Buffy and Ghostbusters, but with a workplace/found family twist.

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Key Timestamps

• 03:03: Craig Thomas introduces the pilot and its Buffy vibes
• 11:00: Pete (Carter Bays) describes the show's inspiration
• 13:30: Cold open—Carl’s parade of angry women
• 16:46: Overview of the weird museum artifacts
• 22:04: “Your vocabulary does not include the word ‘ew’. Welcome aboard.”
• 23:28: Nessie and Carl’s magical New York night
• 38:12: Carl’s phone with 4 million+ texts
• 41:51: “No curse. Reverse.” riff
• 43:54: Rachel turns Carl into a frog
• 51:32: “New York needs people with good magic inside them, Nessie. Or else we’re lost.”
• 54:20: Nessie fixes Rachel’s Wi-Fi in exchange for lifting the curse
• 57:33: “There’s a word for girls like you: New Yorker.”

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Episode Tone & Language

• Warm, whimsical, and self-effacing. The hosts and actors balance quips, surreal jokes, and genuine sentiment.
• Metafictional Humor: Frequent callbacks to TV industry realities and HIMYM lore.
• Characters’ Dialogue: Blends classic sitcom banter with newer twists on romantic and urban clichés.

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Useful for Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

• You’ll get the heart of New York Mythological’s pilot plot and its best lines—even if you never hear the table read.
• The summary highlights how the pilot channels HIMYM’s sensibility in a new (and slightly weirder) direction.
• The affection between the creators and the cast—and the bittersweetness of a beloved project never made—shines through.

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For fans of HIMYM and TV storytelling nerds alike, this episode of How We Made Your Mother is both a celebration of creative risk and a love letter to magical, messy, and hilarious New York.

Transcript

[Josh Radnor]

Craig, I was recently looking at one of my credit card statements. Do you ever do this? Look at your credit card statements?

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah, like, once every few years.

[Josh Radnor]

Yeah, sometimes I'm a little like Lily. I kind of bury my head in the sand. I'm like, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. But today I really, I looked it over, and I saw that there was a charge from a very big bookstore chain that apparently I've been a member of for years with some sort of, like, yearly subscription, maybe even monthly. I don't. I hope it's a. But I, I, I was just like, why? I haven't set foot in one of these stores in years. So I've got this charge that I. And I. Then it started. My mind started spinning. I was like, how many of these do I have?

[Craig Thomas]

Right? What. What is the grand total that you've been paying since, like, happy Y2K or whatever?

[Carter Bays]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[Craig Thomas]

It's ridiculous.

[Josh Radnor]

I don't want to crunch those numbers because now that I have a, a, a a kid, I'm starting to think about college.

[Craig Thomas]

Y. That would have been really useful. Can I make a suggestion?

[Josh Radnor]

Yes, please.

[Craig Thomas]

Since we're just two dudes here chatting on microphones, I'm going to just spontaneously suggest something. Rocket Money. Josh.

[Josh Radnor]

Wait, what?

[Craig Thomas]

Rocket Money, I say.

[Josh Radnor]

You heard me, Rocket Money.

[Craig Thomas]

You heard me.

[Josh Radnor]

Tell me. Tell me more about it.

[Craig Thomas]

I will. I will. So, Rocket Money. This app automatically categorizes transactions, tracks subscriptions, and even lets you cancel unwanted ones. Case in point, in just a few taps, you can end up cutting all kinds of subscriptions. Just like what you just described. Things you did not. You don't even remember, to this day signing up for.

[Josh Radnor]

I don't remember signing up for this.

[Craig Thomas]

Save so much money. I don't even want to guess how much money you wasted, because you don't even know what year that started in, and it just makes you feel better. You're not wasting money, and you're just, like, less stressed out about money and that Rocket Money can do all of that for you.

[Josh Radnor]

Look, I just need to free up more space in my psyche to do this podcast. I can't be worried about hemorrhaging money on subscriptions that I did in 2002. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Mother that's RocketMoney.com Mother RocketMoney.com Mother As a man, finding a truly great pair of pants can feel impossible. Some wrinkle the moment you sit down. Others look fine but don't travel well, don't move well, or completely lose their shape throughout the day when you're flying, commuting, or packing light. Most pants just aren't built for real life.

[Craig Thomas]

Well, that's why There's Jack Archer. JackArcher.com makes the jetsetter tech pant designed to be the one pair you actually need. Comfortable enough for travel, polished enough for work, and versatile enough for wherever the day takes you.

[Josh Radnor]

The Jetsetter Tech Pant is wrinkle free, stain resistant and built for all day comfort. With flexible stretch, customizable fit options and thousands of five star reviews, these are the pants you'll reach for every day. Jack Archer Ready when you are.

[Craig Thomas]

For a limited time, get 15% off your first order using code getjackarcher.com again, that's promo code [e-mail] for 15% off your first order. Hey everybody, we have a special bonus episode for you here. We got a very cool invitation, Carter, Baes and I, to participate in this really awesome thing, this podcast called Dead Pilots Society. They take unproduced TV pilots that they think were worthy and good scripts but never got shot, never got a table read. Some of them never got sold, they just never got a day in court. They take that script that they thought was cool and they organize a proper table read with a full cast and they do it kind of as a zoom table read and they bring a dead pilot back to life. They reached out to us, McCarter and I, to do this for a pilot we wrote a couple years after How I Met yout Mother ended. We were under a deal. We were developing new TV ideas. We're hoping to find that next hit show that would go. And we are such huge fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That's why we cast Allison Hannigan. That we created this half hour comedy pilot called New York Mythological. That's kind of him, Yim. With a little bit of Buffy with a little bit of Ghostbusters in it. It's like a supernatural romantic come set in New York City. We loved it. The network passed on it. It never got a table read, it never got a pilot shoot. It never went anywhere. And we were really sad and heartbroken about it. But now, thanks to Dead Pilot Society, we have a table read recorded and that is what we're about. To present to you, the fans of How We Made youe Mother. We hope you like it. There's definitely some him yummy touches in there. We hope you guys like it. We're really proud of it.

[Nessie]

Think.

[Andrew Reich]

Welcome to Dead Pilot Society, the show that takes comedy pilots from a list writers that were sold and developed at networks and streamers but never produced and gives them the table reads they never got a chance to have. I am Andrew Reich, the creator and host of Dead Pilot Society and I've got two big announcements and neither of them have to do with the fact that my movie Born Innocent the Red Cross Story is Now available on DVD and special 2 disc Blu Ray as well as being available to rent or buy digitally on Amazon and YouTube. No, these announcements have nothing to do with that. The first announcement is that it is Max Fund Drive 2026 people. It's the time of year where we celebrate Max Fund members and we remind you that this show exists because folks like you support it. At $5 a month or more. We're going to be in your feed a lot more than usual. You're going to be hearing from me a bit more than usual and we're going to be asking you to be a part of this, this movement to join us. You can find out more and [e-mail] joinedead pilots the second announcement is that we have our first resurrected Dead Pilot Society pilot. That is right. We have officially played a major part in bringing a deceased pilot back from the dead. The pilot is eternally yours and it was just announced that CBS has picked it up the series with Ed Weeks, star of our Table Read in the lead role. It's incredible news. We're so happy for Joe Port and Joe Wiseman, the writers of one of our all time favorite Dead pilots. Well, it's not dead anymore. This is so well deserved. Miracles can happen in show business, folks. This is, it's so cool and it's so appropriate that this happened with a vampire pilot. All right, we have a pilot for you today that is deserving of the same kind of resurrection. Our Dead pilot is New York mythological by Carter Bayes and Craig Thomas. Carter and Craig co created How I Met yout Mother and were showrunners for its entire 9 year 208 episode run. Before that they were writers for the Late show with David Letterman, producers for American Dad. Carter is the author of the novel the Mutual Friend and Craig is the author of the novel that's Not How It Happened. They're both members and songwriters for the band the solids. And Craig recently launched a How I Met yout Mother rewatch podcast called How We Made youe Mother. I am so excited to have these two on the podcast that we are going to be bringing you not one but two of their dead pilots during this fun drive. Starting with this one. The logline for New York Mythological is A new arrival joins the team at a museum devoted to exploring supernatural and paranormal phenomena New York City. I think you could pitch this as How I Met yout Mother meets Ghostbusters. Maybe they did. Our cast playing Nessie Isabella Gomez from One Day at a Time as Sam, Devin Bostick from Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Crime 101 as Lindsay Alyssa Lyn Paris from what we do in the Shadows as Pete Josh Fadem from the Lowdown and American dad. And as Carl Cal Penn from Harold and Kumar and industry as Rachel and Donna and Cab driver and Passerby to Angelian Serena Fiallo from high potential and 911 Lone Star and as Old lady and Carrie and Waitress and Passerby One and Tiana, the great writer and performer Tammy Sager. It's crazy that this show didn't get made and get on the air. I think you'll agree after you hear it. But before you start listening, why don't you go right now to maximumfund.org joinedead pilots and become a member for as little as $5 a month. Okay, enjoy. New York Mythological Max Fundrive starts next week. Max fun.

[Carter Bays]

Shows like this one are creator owned, the network is worker owned and we're all supported by members just like you. Max Fund Drive is the best time

[Andrew Reich]

to support the shows you love. You can get Drive exclusive gifts, a bunch of new bonus content and join

[Carter Bays]

in on the fun as shows hit their milestones. Plus, we've got dozens of meetups and counting. We've got live streams and more. So stay tuned because you don't want to miss it. Max fund drive 2026 is starting Monday, April 20th.

[Andrew Reich]

Carter Bayes and Craig Thomas, welcome to Dead Pilot Society. Craig already turned off his camera. Craig.

[Pete]

Not yet.

[Andrew Reich]

Not yet. It's a thrill to have you guys on. This is something I've been chasing for a while. So welcome. And why don't you just tell folks about this first dead pilot of yours that they're about to hear.

[Josh Radnor]

Okay, sure.

[Pete]

First of all, thank you so much

[Andrew Reich]

and I'm sorry we made you chase us, but

[Pete]

sometimes that's how the love story goes.

[Andrew Reich]

You know, you just.

[Pete]

You chase for a while and you finally get us this is a pilot that we really loved. We pitched it and sold it to CBS in 2014.

[Andrew Reich]

Fifteen, I think.

[Craig Thomas]

Fifteen or sixteen, maybe. Something like that.

[Carl]

Yeah.

[Andrew Reich]

And it just.

[Pete]

I don't know. I don't know, Craig.

[Carter Bays]

If you had a different perspective on.

[Pete]

I sort of felt like this whole idea, sort of the concept behind it.

[Andrew Reich]

Craig and I were huge fans of

[Pete]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and just fans. We've been fans of fantasy and sci fi for a long time. Just especially for me, the particular thing when fantasy and sci fi serves as a metaphor for something real in real life. And I thought Buffy the Vampire Slayer did that so well. And it sort of felt like this was kind of like How I Met yout Mother meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know, set in New York in a crazy, kooky museum.

[Andrew Reich]

We. Yeah, we sold it to cbs. And I think the script we're reading is labeled for cbs because this was the last thing. This was the fresh off the personnel

[Pete]

transport dropped into the battle before we

[Andrew Reich]

started getting the note, like, well, we

[Pete]

love the magic, but can you take all the magic out?

[Craig Thomas]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete]

And then it just sort of.

[Andrew Reich]

It went to hell from there.

[Pete]

But this is the most magical version of it, so.

[Andrew Reich]

The most magic forward version of the ship. So, yeah, that's kind of what it is.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah. I would just add, it's definitely. It's like Buffy meets How I Met yout Mother. We said, how could we do something that's a dating show in New York? Having already done almost a decade of that, how can you do it new? Well, let's do Buffy as well, because we love Buffy. There's a little bit of Ghostbusters in there. It's like a little bit of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The idea of sort of collecting things that are somewhat magical and, like, putting them in a museum and preserving them. And there's dating in New York because we're the how much of other guys. So we tried to do it all. And that's why it worked and ran eight seasons. Oh, wait, it's a dead pilot and we're reading it now.

[Andrew Reich]

Well, it is our pleasure to get to do it. I'm sorry it worked out this way, but I'm not that sorry.

[Craig Thomas]

We are very happy to do it. I will thank you all for making this happen. It's a delight to bring it up.

[Pete]

This is what it was supposed to

[Andrew Reich]

be from the very beginning. Yeah, this'll be. The great thing is you'll get no notes. You don't have to do the actual work of Making a show. You just get to kick back and listen to great actors.

[Carter Bays]

Actors.

[Andrew Reich]

Read your script and let's do it. All right. Thank you. And we'll. We'll talk more soon.

[Josh Radnor]

All right.

[Andrew Reich]

This is New York Mythological, written by Carter Bayes and Craig Thomas. We're Interior, a subway car. A young man, Carl, sits on a subway. It's his commute home from work. He's tired, can't wait to get out of his suit. A pretty woman, Donna, sits down across from him, eating blueberry yogurt. He steals a glance at her. Not bad. He sits up a little. Then Donna looks at him and recognizes him.

[Nessie]

Jerk.

[Carl]

I'm sorry, do we know each other?

[Andrew Reich]

She stares at him like he should know her. He doesn't.

[Nessie]

Wow. Okay. You sleep with me, sneak out of my apartment, don't reply to my texts, and now you're gonna pretend you don't know me?

[Andrew Reich]

This is embarrassing. The old guy sitting next to Carl laughs. He's enjoying this. Carl is baffled.

[Carl]

But I don't know you.

[Andrew Reich]

Carl looks back at his newspaper. Donna looks at him, then flicks a spoonful of yogurt at him. Splat. All over his suit. She continues doing it.

[Carl]

Hey, stop it. You. You got the wrong guy.

[Andrew Reich]

The subway stops and Tiana, a woman in a suit, gets on, sees Carl and recognizes him immediately. A withering glare. Hi, Carl.

[Lindsay]

Oh, her too.

[Nessie]

Nice, Carl.

[Andrew Reich]

Carrie, in army fatigue, stands up at the end of the. CARL. Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this. She does a martial arts warm up, prepping to kick his ass. Carl screams and exits the train just before the doors close. We're exterior on the street. Carl emerges from the subway and hails the cab. When he goes for the door, it's locked. He looks at the female cab driver.

[Nessie]

Bite me, Carl.

[Andrew Reich]

She speeds off. Carl can't believe it. He turns around and everywhere he looks are women who appear to hate him.

[Carl]

What's going on?

[Andrew Reich]

Suddenly, he's face to face with an old lady.

[Lindsay]

What we had was magical.

[Andrew Reich]

She kisses him hard on the mouth. Then she slaps him. Bastard. Carl is perplexed as she shuffles off and we cut to our main titles. New York Mythological. We cut to the New York Museum of Mythological History. It's a beautiful old museum, small, the size of a large townhouse and a little creaky, but well maintained. Chiron says three years later, Nessie Munch, in her mid-20s, an eager beaver from the Midwest, dressed conservatively, looks at the name of the museum carved into the stone above the door. The New York Museum of mythological history. She takes a deep breath, psyching herself up. Suddenly. Thud. Sam, in his twenties, a fun loving frat bro, falls into frame behind her. He's wearing maintenance coveralls with a big key ring. She turns around as he dusts himself off.

[Nessie]

Oh my gosh. Are you okay?

[Carter Bays]

I'm fine. It's cool. I work for the museum. I just had to climb up to the second floor ledge to fix the. To check on the. I wanted to see if I could climb to the second floor ledge. And I totally could.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie laughs. Sam likes her immediately.

[Nessie]

Well, I'm here to interview for the assistant curator position.

[Josh Radnor]

You're hard.

[Nessie]

What?

[Carter Bays]

Come on, let's go get you set up.

[Andrew Reich]

He leads her inside. In the lobby, Nessie follows Sam through the marble foyer.

[Nessie]

Is this real? It just. It seems like you have too many keys to be the guy who hires people.

[Carter Bays]

I do have a lot of keys. This way.

[Andrew Reich]

We're going to the main collection, where we find the lovely entrance gallery of the New York Museum of Mythological History. There's all sorts of weird stuff on display. A stuffed crocodile. A taxicab door that has a huge bite taken out of it. The plaster mold of a Sasquatch footprint. A sepia photograph of a floating ghostly apparition operating a Sobrette's hot dog cart.

[Nessie]

So what exactly is mythological history?

[Carter Bays]

You know, unexplained phenomena. Ghosts, mole people, aliens. Or like that thing where you hear a word you've never heard before. Like the other day, this lady in front of me at the bagel place says, expectorate. What's that mean? I don't know. And then on Saturday, I'm watching my unstoppable Syracuse get just destroyed by Michigan. And what word does Matt park use? Expectorate. Is that not the single craziest thing ever? And those are vampire teeth.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam heads into the office. A confused Nessie follows. In the back office, this is where the employees of the museum actually work and congregate. Filing cabinets, bookshelves, and card catalogs abound, as do all sorts of arcana that haven't yet made their way into the public collection. Tribal headdresses, a meteorite, a large purplish egg of indeterminate origin. Sitting at her desk is Lindsay, in her 20s, a tough new Yorker, vulnerable somewhere down deep under hundreds of layers of f off. She sips a latte as Sam leads Nessie in. Lindsay looks up, sees Nessie, knows exactly what's going on.

[Carter Bays]

No Nessie, this is Lindsay. She handles acquisitions.

[Lindsay]

Sam, we've Talked about this. You're not allowed to hire the office staff. Especially not just because you saw a pretty girl.

[Carter Bays]

I don't think she's pretty. I do not think you're pretty.

[Nessie]

Thanks.

[Lindsay]

Sam, go mop up in the lobby. Someone spilled a drink in there.

[Carter Bays]

No, they didn't. I was just in there.

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay gets up with her latte and exits into another room. We hear the sound of an entire latte being spilled on the floor. Lindsay returns, Sam sighs, grabs a mop and exits.

[Lindsay]

And as for you, here's some free advice. Go back to Wisconsin.

[Nessie]

Wait. How'd you know I'm from Wisconsin?

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay looks Nessie's prim little outfit up and down.

[Lindsay]

I must be psychic. What are you, two days off the bus?

[Nessie]

Four days. And it wasn't a bus. I hitched a ride with a friend whose farm delivers produce here.

[Lindsay]

Oh, my God. A turnip truck. You fell off an actual turnip truck?

[Nessie]

No. Hey, I stepped off that truck just then.

[Andrew Reich]

The curator, Pete. 30s, bookish. All science, all the time. The egon of the group. If we're talking Ghostbusters, and we always are. Enters, excited.

[Pete]

This is it. This is for real. This time.

[Andrew Reich]

He spots Nessie.

[Pete]

Hi. Peter Van Wick, Curator Nessie Munch.

[Nessie]

We. We spoke yesterday.

[Pete]

Nessie, I'm a. I'm a very happy man today. You know why? Because I picked up some very interesting fecal matter in the park this morning.

[Andrew Reich]

He holds up a plastic specimen container. Nessie is duly horrified as Pete turns to wash his hands in a nearby sink.

[Pete]

99.9 of the time, these samples turn out to be human. The morning easement of a homeless person. But I have a feeling this one's the other 1%, which is the Central Park Sasquatch. Sorry. Why are you here?

[Nessie]

I came to interview.

[Lindsay]

Sam hired her.

[Andrew Reich]

Enters with the mop. Already on the defensive.

[Carter Bays]

It's not that I think she's pretty. I don't even think she's pretty.

[Nessie]

Okay, it's starting to sting a little. Mr. Vanwyck, I know we're off to a weird start, but I think I could be a great addition to your team. I have a degree in museum studies from Greenleaf State University, which is a great school. I'm organized, I'm focused, I'm honest to a fault. For example, Greenleaf State is not a great school. But all those other things are true. So here's my resume.

[Andrew Reich]

She hands him a resume. He looks it over.

[Pete]

Work experience, Radio Shack. You think a job at Radio Shack qualifies you to work at these? At a scientific institution?

[Nessie]

Well, I mean, is this really science? Like two headed pigeons?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie gestures to a stuffed and mounted two headed pigeon.

[Lindsay]

Honey, you just stepped in some Sasquatch crap.

[Pete]

Oh, you think what we do is a joke?

[Nessie]

Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean.

[Carl]

Ms.

[Pete]

Munch. If you're looking for fluffy marshmallow science like those bison stuffing hacks at the Natural History Museum do with their gala fundraisers and their Neil Degrasse Tyson and their comprehensive employee benefit packages, maybe should just look for a job over there.

[Nessie]

Are you kidding? You think they were in my first call? I've wanted to work there since I was a little girl playing museum in my basement with my stuffed animals.

[Lindsay]

You're just swatting away friends, weren't you?

[Nessie]

The Natural History Museum isn't hiring. Nobody's hiring. If I don't get a job soon, I'm going to have to crawl back to Greenliff with my tail between my legs.

[Pete]

Just to be clear, she doesn't have a tail, Pete. Because there have been documented cases.

[Lindsay]

Take your speech, Pete.

[Nessie]

I don't have a tail. Okay? Sorry. And anatomically, I'm pretty boring. But if I did have a tail, I promise I'd work it off for you, sir.

[Andrew Reich]

There's a beat. Pete size and hands Nessie the feces container.

[Pete]

I want this on a microscope slide in five minutes.

[Lindsay]

Ew.

[Pete]

Let's get one thing clear right now. If you want to work in the natural sciences, your vocabulary does not include the word ew. Welcome aboard.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie looks at the container in her hand. Ew. We're in the exterior of the museum at night. Nessie exits as two passersby notice the museum.

[Lindsay]

Well, is this a real museum?

[Nessie]

No, it's just a joke.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie sighs and starts walking on the street. She sits on a park bench, wistful. We see what she's looking at. The Natural History Museum. All lit up and beautiful at night. As she looks at it longingly, we widen to reveal Carl sitting on the bench next to her.

[Carl]

New in town?

[Nessie]

Painfully. I thought New York City was going to be magical.

[Carl]

Are you kidding? Look at us. Two strangers meeting on a bench. What could be more magical? I'm Carl, by the way.

[Lindsay]

Nessie.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie smiles. This guy is charming. A beautiful song begins. We go to a restaurant where Carl and Nessie have a very romantic dinner together. He's telling her a story and she's laughing like crazy. Then Nessie and Carl ride the carousel in Central park. And they ride the Staten Island Ferry. So Romantic on the street, Nessie and Carl walk home.

[Nessie]

Wow, this was an amazing night.

[Carl]

Told you. This city's magical.

[Andrew Reich]

He kisses her.

[Nessie]

And then, just so we're clear, I'm not the kind of girl who jumps into bed with someone I just met. Like, I've never done that. Like, not once.

[Carl]

I understand.

[Nessie]

No, I'm saying congratulations.

[Andrew Reich]

She kisses him and they head inside in Nessie's studio. The next morning, Nessie wakes up in bed, smiling. She rolls over to throw her arms around nobody. She's alone in bed.

[Nessie]

Carl.

[Andrew Reich]

And that's the end of Act 1.

[Josh Radnor]

When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. It can change how you feel day in and day out. And there's so much noise out there. Gimmicky products, conflicting advice, experiments, expensive clinic visits. It's hard to know what actually works. That's why HIMS makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth with personalized care that fits your life all online.

[Craig Thomas]

And this is one of those things that we. We're old guys, right? We're looking back on our misspent youth making a TV show. But if, you know, if we could do it all over again and go back in a time machine. Alec, we know you. You don't have a. I wouldn't say you have a huge amount of hair. You have a good look. You keep it tight, it works for you.

[Josh Radnor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Craig Thomas]

But when you were losing your hair in your 20s, 30s, you didn't have hims. You didn't have something great like hims that could have given you that choice. And now it's available to people who aren't old like us, Correct?

[Josh Radnor]

Absolutely. I would say that in my 20s, what did exist was very complicated.

[Craig Thomas]

Right.

[Josh Radnor]

It felt like this. All these products I had to do.

[Pete]

And I was going to say it wasn't available online. I don't think there was online.

[Craig Thomas]

It was a lot of, like. It was a lot of, like, tonics that were sold by, like, traveling salesmen who also had a circus.

[Andrew Reich]

Yes, yes.

[Josh Radnor]

It was that Paul McCartney video. They were always bursting into song.

[Andrew Reich]

Right.

[Josh Radnor]

Yeah. Yes.

[Andrew Reich]

I definitely.

[Josh Radnor]

If it were as simple as this. Yeah.

[Pete]

I mean, of course I would have done this.

[Josh Radnor]

But you've committed. You've. You've been with this Telly Savalas look for a long, long time.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah.

[Josh Radnor]

So I don't know. But if you ever decided you wanted to sprout more hair, I think podcast listeners would be confused if I started all of a sudden to have a

[Andrew Reich]

full head of hair.

[Craig Thomas]

But I'll listeners though. I like listeners. They can hear your hair. I'm confused by this.

[Josh Radnor]

I would love it if just week to week you just had more and more hair out and we didn't comment on it.

[Craig Thomas]

I know. Well, so if you're too young to know who Telly Savalas is with our hip Kojak reference we just made, you have a choice to use HIMS that we owe that us old guys didn't have. And that is a cool choice to have.

[Josh Radnor]

HIMS offers access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with doctor trusted ingredients that can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as 3 to 6 months. Everything is 100% online with personalized treatment plans, flexible subscriptions and 24.7 provider support so you can get started without putting your life on hold.

[Craig Thomas]

So for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ED, weight loss and more, visit himss.com your mother that's hims.com your mother for your free online visit hims.com your mother featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality and prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.

[Josh Radnor]

Hey, I'm Anderson Cooper.

[Andrew Reich]

Grief can feel so lonely.

[Josh Radnor]

But talking about it and listening to others share their experiences helps. It's probably the only thing that's really helped me on my podcast. All There Is.

[Andrew Reich]

We explore grief and loss in all its complexities.

[Josh Radnor]

You'll hear deeply moving and honest discussions with people who have faced and are

[Andrew Reich]

living with life altering losses.

[Josh Radnor]

Talking grief, building community. That's what the podcast is all about. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts. Greg, Josh, you know I have a sweet spot for style. Can I describe it to you, please? Here's what it is. I want to look great.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah.

[Josh Radnor]

But I don't want to look like I put any effort into it at all.

[Craig Thomas]

Oh, yes.

[Josh Radnor]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah. That's the dream.

[Josh Radnor]

That's what you want.

[Craig Thomas]

That's what you want.

[Josh Radnor]

I just want people. Oh, this. I just rolled out a bit. I don't know. It doesn't even. Oh, I just grabbed it off the. You know.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah, I do know. I do know. I never. I almost never look that way because it looks either like I tried zero or I tried really, really way too hard.

[Josh Radnor]

I would say comedy writers out of all of show business probably need the most Fashion help, would you say?

[Craig Thomas]

A, how dare you? And B, yes.

[Josh Radnor]

And also forget about A, how have you been getting help lately?

[Craig Thomas]

So here's what's been really, really helpful. Quince. Quince has come into our lives because of this podcast and it's a thing of beauty. We have gotten a couple batches of really, really nice things from quints. One in the winter and now it's springtime. And the problem I tried to solve with the stuff I chose for quints, they let us choose a few items. I just feel like I have nothing that looks what you just described. I have nothing in my spring and summer wardrobe that looks kind of like I didn't try too hard, but it looks nice. It's just like I just have crappy T shirts or like really uncomfortable, like button downs that are for like a fancy event that I don't look that good in. This hits exactly the sweet spot you're talking about, Josh. Very comfortable. Like just like a black polo shirt. Like a navy blue button up, like staple. Like classic things that go with everything. They can look a little.

[Josh Radnor]

Go with everything. Swap them out with everything.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah, it goes with everything. And I got like several things like that that I'm just gonna be wearing all spring and all summer.

[Carter Bays]

So.

[Craig Thomas]

Thank you, Quint.

[Josh Radnor]

Thank you, Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com yourmotherpod for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. We love Canada on this podcast, don't we?

[Carter Bays]

We sure do.

[Josh Radnor]

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com your mother pod for free shipping and on 365 day returns. Quince.com yourmotherpod

[Andrew Reich]

act two we're in the museum offices later that morning. Nessie enters looking a bit bashful and confused and waves to Pete, Sam and Lindsay.

[Nessie]

Good morning, everyone.

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay looks her up and down.

[Lindsay]

Did you have sex last night?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie turns red. Sam and Pete look over.

[Nessie]

What? Why?

[Lindsay]

Would you answer the question?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie moves closer to Lindsay and speaks in hushed tones.

[Nessie]

Okay, here's what happened. Before I moved, I broke up with my long term boyfriend Horace back in Greenleaf and I promised myself that I am not jumping back into a relationship. This is my time to be single and have adventures.

[Lindsay]

I already regret starting this conversation.

[Nessie]

Then last night I met this amazing guy and we walked all over the city in the moonlight. It was like summer loving from Greece.

[Lindsay]

Tell me less. Tell me less.

[Nessie]

We spent the night together, which Was a huge deal for me because I've only been with one other guy, Horace from Greenleaf. But I really like this guy. There's just one little thing. He left kind of quickly this morning without saying goodbye. Is that weird?

[Lindsay]

Oh, not weird at all. Oh, well, good. You're just never going to see him again.

[Nessie]

What?

[Lindsay]

Oh, yeah, he's gone. That's like one of the three main reasons people live in New York. The culture, the food, and the fact that you can sleep with someone and realistically never see them again.

[Nessie]

I'm going to see him again.

[Lindsay]

Sure you are. What's his name?

[Nessie]

Carl Hobbs.

[Lindsay]

Carl Hobbs. Oh, you're definitely never gonna see him again. I went out with Carl Hobbs, took him home with me, and then the next morning, gone. The man's a ghost.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete looks up from his microscope, interested.

[Lindsay]

Not a real ghost.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete goes back to his microscope.

[Nessie]

You're. You're messing with me. You never dated Carl Hobbs.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam has also been eavesdropping.

[Carter Bays]

Wait, Carl Hobbs is real?

[Nessie]

What do you mean, is he real? Yes, he's real. He's a real guy that I'm for real. Gonna see again.

[Carter Bays]

Nessie, I dated a lot.

[Lindsay]

A lot.

[Carter Bays]

And in my travels, I've heard girls talk about Carl Hobbs. I always thought it was like a fairy tale. Like, hey, be careful. Don't go home with that guy. He might turn out to be a real Carl Hobbs.

[Nessie]

You too, Sam. Okay, is this like a hazing ritual or.

[Carter Bays]

I'm serious. If it's the same Carl Hobbs, Toot's got a rep.

[Nessie]

Okay, you know, everyone, just forget I brought anything up.

[Andrew Reich]

She turns to find Pete right in her face, lost in thought.

[Lindsay]

Whoa. What?

[Pete]

So all these random women had the exact same experience with Carl Hobbs? That's a hell of a coincidence. Almost as if there's an unseen force at work.

[Carter Bays]

Like the word expectorate.

[Pete]

I'm trying to think right now. Samuel. I need to speak with this Carl fellow, Nessie. Call him up.

[Nessie]

What? No.

[Carter Bays]

Why not?

[Nessie]

Because I am playing it cool.

[Andrew Reich]

Reveal that Lindsay has snatched Nessie's phone and is looking through it.

[Lindsay]

Six outgoing calls. Talk Carl Hobbs. You can fry an egg on that. Cool.

[Pete]

Hey.

[Lindsay]

Oh, baby, send some texts. Oh, so many blue bubbles. Not a gray bubble in sight.

[Nessie]

Okay, give me that. Can everyone just go back to cataloging two headed pigeons, which are completely real, please? This is none of your business.

[Pete]

Unexplained phenomena is very much our business.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam is on his phone.

[Carter Bays]

I got a home address for Carl Hobbs on 38th Street.

[Pete]

Let's get over there.

[Nessie]

What?

[Josh Radnor]

What?

[Nessie]

No, no, no, no. I really like this guy and I am not gonna show up at his door. That's crazy.

[Pete]

Fine. Stay here.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete, Lindsay and Sam leave a beat. Nessie sighs and follows. Rexterior of an apartment building. Pete, Lindsay, Sam, and Nessie are outside Carl's building. Pete leans on the buzzer for a long time. There's no response.

[Carter Bays]

I don't think he's home.

[Nessie]

Please don't be home.

[Pete]

He's home. They're always home. What do you think, Lindsay? Ground floor, Grandma.

[Lindsay]

Worth the try.

[Andrew Reich]

She hits the buzzer for apartment 1A. After a beat, a sweet old voice comes on the intercom.

[Lindsay]

Hello, Grandma? Alan? Yep, it's me, Alan.

[Andrew Reich]

There's a tense pause and then the door unlocks. Lindsay, Pete, and Sam all head in. Nessie sighs and follows them. In the hallway, Pete bangs on Carl's door.

[Nessie]

Let me do the talking.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete nods. The door opens and there's Carl. He looks a little less irresistible. Disheveled, sad, with a full beard. Pete immediately holds up his museum ID badge.

[Pete]

Peter Van Wyck Museum of Mythological History. Did you have sexual intercourse with this woman?

[Nessie]

Oh, my God. Go over there. Now. Go.

[Andrew Reich]

Chastened, Pete retreats to the end of the hall.

[Nessie]

I'm so sorry. That's my boss. This is so embarrassing. These guys had all these crazy theories about why you snuck out on me this morning. And I was trying to explain that you were probably just busy growing a beard in three hours.

[Andrew Reich]

Carl looks scared and confused, but like he's been scared and confused for a while now.

[Carl]

I think you should all come inside.

[Andrew Reich]

In the apartment, the gang is seated around Carl, who looks at Nessie.

[Carl]

Okay, here's the thing. I have no idea who you are.

[Nessie]

What?

[Lindsay]

Don't feel bad, Nessie. Some girls make an impression, some don't. I know you remember me, Carl. I rocked your world. Carl.

[Nessie]

Don't.

[Lindsay]

Don't make me kick your ass, Carl.

[Carl]

I don't know either of you. We've never met. You just think we have. A few years back, I met this girl in a bar. Rachel Thorne. Such a sweet, nice girl. We went back to her place and then I kind of bailed.

[Nessie]

Ew.

[Pete]

We talked about that word.

[Carl]

It was a lousy thing to do.

[Carter Bays]

Everyone's done it. No one's proud of it, but everyone's done it.

[Nessie]

I've never done that.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, by everyone, he means actual human beings who don't have Barbie doll parts under their clothes.

[Carl]

I didn't want to settle down. I was 22 when you're 22. You just want to sleep with every woman in New York. Then a few weeks later, something happened. All of a sudden, every woman in New York hated my guts.

[Nessie]

Every woman in New York.

[Andrew Reich]

Carl goes over to the window and leans out on the street. Carl looks down at a woman, Jillian, walking by.

[Carl]

Hi.

[Andrew Reich]

She looks up and suddenly looks angry.

[Nessie]

You Carl?

[Andrew Reich]

She flips him off. Back in the apartment, he turns back to the gang.

[Carl]

Every woman in New York, every single woman within the city limits thinks I slept with her and then snuck out. So as long as I live here, my life is pure hell. Wow.

[Carter Bays]

So why don't you move?

[Carl]

What? And leave New York?

[Andrew Reich]

Pete. Sam and Lindsay nod. He's got a point.

[Nessie]

Sorry. Hi. Hello. Are you saying that I just think I slept with Carl, but really I didn't?

[Pete]

Nessie, I'll put this in layman's terms. You are in the throes of a class B externally confabulated collective amnesis.

[Nessie]

Any chance I could get that? A little lame.

[Lindsay]

It's a false memory. Part of a mass delusion. Like the cronuts craze of 2012.

[Pete]

Or any year people believe the Mets can win the World Series. Exactly.

[Lindsay]

Okay.

[Nessie]

But we did. Carl, come on. I have been texting you all day.

[Carl]

Oh, I. I got your texts. I get all the texts.

[Andrew Reich]

Carl holds up his phone, which buzzes non stop. And his text counter is at 4,187,935 and counting. Sam takes the phone.

[Carl]

No matter how many times I change my number, it never stops ringing.

[Lindsay]

Sam, what are you doing?

[Andrew Reich]

We reveal that Sam is writing down some of the incoming numbers.

[Carter Bays]

Nothing. I thought I could comfort some of these women purely as a friend.

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay grabs the phone away from Sam. Nessie turns to Carl.

[Nessie]

No. Last night was a big deal for me. Carl, you are now half of the people I've ever slept with. Don't pretend it didn't happen. We had a great time together.

[Carl]

I haven't had a great time in years. I can only hang out in places where there are absolutely no women. I saw the Entourage movie in the theater. More than once.

[Carter Bays]

Good movie?

[Lindsay]

Incredible.

[Carl]

It's okay. Whatever karma's doing to me here, I deserve it. Rachel's a sweet girl, and I hurt her.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete and Lindsay look at each other.

[Lindsay]

You want to tell them or should I?

[Pete]

Rachel's a witch.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, straight up.

[Carter Bays]

W. The karma is a witch, brother.

[Nessie]

You have all got to be kidding me. We're actually talking about this. A witch? Like Pointy had black cat I think

[Pete]

they're trying to get away from that stereotype, but yes.

[Lindsay]

Do you have a better explanation for why this man could possibly not remember me rocking his world?

[Nessie]

Well, this may sound far fetched, but there is that outside chance that Carl is a lying douchebag.

[Andrew Reich]

There's a beat.

[Pete]

No, it's a witch. This Rachel Thorne, does she live uptown? Way over on the east side, East 89th.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete and Lindsay look at each other.

[Pete]

Carl, consider yourself lucky to be alive. Rachel Thorne is a being known previously only as the Yorkville Witch. She is extremely dangerous and must be avoided at all costs.

[Andrew Reich]

Let's go over there on the street. Pete, Lindsay, Nessie, Sam and Carl hide behind a parked car across the street from a large, fancy townhouse.

[Lindsay]

That whole building is hers. Damn witch is loaded.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete watches with binoculars. Through his POV we see a woman, Rachel, 30s, pretty, totally normal inside. On the phone, she looks really annoyed.

[Pete]

We have visual. First floor window. What a night for science. We're about to discover what an actual, living, breathing witch does in the privacy of her own mystical laird.

[Andrew Reich]

Rachel fiddles with a WI fi router, throws it in frustration.

[Pete]

She appears to be on the phone with the cable company.

[Nessie]

So this is what you do? You spy on women like a pervert?

[Pete]

No, I spy on women like a scientist. Okay, Lindsay, I want a full background check on Ms. Thorne. Sam, every item of trash she throws out, I want on my desk. Nessie, get a sample of her feces.

[Nessie]

But Noah.

[Lindsay]

Oh my.

[Andrew Reich]

My God.

[Nessie]

What is it with you and feces?

[Pete]

Your feces tells a life story. If I want to know about you, you think I'm going to read your diary? No, I'm going to examine your feces.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie is looking at Pete like he is the epitome of crazy.

[Carl]

So wait, what's the plan here? How do we get her to reverse the curse?

[Pete]

Reverse the curse? You're kidding, right?

[Carter Bays]

Witches don't reverse the curse and no reverse curse. Curse, reverse, brother. No curse. Reverse.

[Nessie]

There is no such thing as witches, you freaking weirdos.

[Pete]

Young lady, I take that as a compliment. Einstein was a weirdo. Darwin, Galileo, weirdos. All. You can roll your eyes at words like unexplained phenomena, but guess what? All phenomena is unexplained until someone explains it. Guys, unlike those bone polishers at the Natural History Museum, we are on a vanguard of scientific discovery. The front line, the tip of the spear, the threshold of guys.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam points and they see what he's pointing at. Carl is knocking on Rachel's door. We watch from across the street.

[Pete]

Well, he's gonna die.

[Lindsay]

This is gonna be good. We should film this.

[Andrew Reich]

They start filming as Rachel answers the door and sees Carl.

[Carl]

Carl, did you put a curse on me?

[Lindsay]

What?

[Andrew Reich]

The others watch as Carl and Rachel start arguing.

[Nessie]

Okay, I'm leaving.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie stands up and starts to walk away as Rachel and Carl keep arguing. Carl is getting impassioned.

[Carl]

Just answer the question. Are you a witch?

[Nessie]

Can you please not expectorate in my face?

[Andrew Reich]

Back behind the car, Sam's eyes bolt open.

[Carter Bays]

Tell me you all just heard that.

[Pete]

Nessie, get down. You don't know what you're up against.

[Nessie]

Yes, I do. I am up against my own misguided expectations of what life in New York was going to be like. Because instead of working at an actual museum with actual scientists, I'm stuck with a bunch of crackpots who think witches are real, which they are not.

[Andrew Reich]

And just then, across the street, as Carl yells at Rachel, we see Rachel look one way down the block, and then the other. The coast is clear. She takes out a wand and zap. She turns Carl into a frog. Everyone is stunned.

[Carter Bays]

Expectorate.

[Pete]

Crazy.

[Andrew Reich]

And that's the end of Act 2.

[Josh Radnor]

If you've been reading the news lately, Craig, you. You've been known to read the news.

[Craig Thomas]

I read the news from time to time.

[Josh Radnor]

Yeah, you've probably been seeing stuff about GLP ones, which is an astonishing. Weight loss medication, I understand. I saw the statistic recently that 1 in 8Americans have already tried this.

[Andrew Reich]

Wow.

[Josh Radnor]

And I was thinking, you know, as we get older, I remember my dad used to say this thing.

[Andrew Reich]

He said, you get.

[Josh Radnor]

You gain £10 every decade.

[Craig Thomas]

That's terrifying.

[Josh Radnor]

And I was like, oh, this old man, he doesn't know what he's talking about. He was 100% correct, by the way.

[Craig Thomas]

I'm doing the math for myself. And that's absolutely what happened.

[Josh Radnor]

Absolutely. He was just stating facts. Yeah, but what do you do? What do you do for an old dad like me? I just had a baby who's showing evidence of maybe being an early crawler, and I see that I'm.

[Pete]

It's.

[Josh Radnor]

He's going to be tough to keep up with. And I. What do I do? I don't know. I'm not saying. I'm just. I'm going to have to make some decisions about how to slim this thing down.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah, well, you have what you have. You have options. You have options your dad did not have for.

[Josh Radnor]

That's true. That's true.

[Craig Thomas]

So let's check this out. This is What I. This is hot off the presses. You ready for this? Yeah. There's a new option that makes it feel way more approachable. A daily GLP1 pill. Instead of starting with a self injection, it's the First FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss and it's available through RO at one of the lowest costs out there. You can get started on the starter dose for $149. Plus Ro's membership, which includes 100% online care, unlimited provider messaging, dosing support, and side effect guidance. The whole process is online and if you're eligible, you can start in as little as a week.

[Josh Radnor]

I believe Serena Williams is enjoying this product. Is that correct?

[Craig Thomas]

One of my all time heroes.

[Andrew Reich]

Yeah.

[Craig Thomas]

And by the way, by the way, just to say it, big How I Met yout Mother fan. She's tweeted about it. I saved her tweet. I have a screen grab of it from 10 years ago. It's very sad.

[Josh Radnor]

Her husband, I believe, whose name is Alexis, used to write me on Twitter and say that people said he looks like me all the time.

[Craig Thomas]

Maybe that's why she likes the show.

[Carter Bays]

Yeah.

[Josh Radnor]

He said he felt like that was a compliment, which is very nice of him to say. Go to RO Co, your mother to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on RO. That's R O, C O slash. Your mother to get started on ROE.

[Andrew Reich]

ROE.

[Josh Radnor]

Go to RO CO Safety. RO CO Safety for a boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications. Craig, I've been struggling and I gotta talk to you about it.

[Craig Thomas]

Please. I'm here.

[Josh Radnor]

Yeah, I've just been. I've been carrying around these bulky drinks.

[Craig Thomas]

Yeah.

[Josh Radnor]

And I've been cleaning melted candy out of my pockets for far too long. But I have a solution.

[Craig Thomas]

What solution? Conclusion. I need to know.

[Josh Radnor]

I've discovered Fruity Rainbow five Hour Energy Shots.

[Craig Thomas]

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[Josh Radnor]

Five Hour Energy is giving caffeine a serious flavor upgrade. Five Hour Energy shots now come in 17 flavors, so there's something for every mood. But this fruity rainbow one is definitely having a moment.

[Craig Thomas]

It is. Plus it's big flavor in a tiny bottle. Just 2 ounces. Super portable, easy to toss in your bag or pocket. No sticky wrappers, no bulky drinks. Just grab and go.

[Josh Radnor]

Get candy Flavored Chaos with fruity rainbow 5 hour energy shots available online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon.

[Andrew Reich]

Act 3 We are Interior the Belfry. It's the old Irish bar where the museum crew hangs out. Pete, Nessie, Lindsay and Sam sit silently drinking beers. In the middle of the table is a large bullfrog. Nessie is in silent shock.

[Pete]

Well, there's obviously a lot to process here. But speaking purely as a scientist, how

[Lindsay]

cool was that a guy got turned into a bullfrog? Pete? Not exactly cause for a pizza party.

[Carter Bays]

I don't know. Bullfrogs are cool. Maybe she did the guy a favor.

[Lindsay]

A favor? He's an amphibian.

[Carter Bays]

Bullfrogs can jump 10 times their own height. Who wouldn't love to be able to do that? I know I would.

[Lindsay]

You'd rather be a bullfrog than a human being?

[Carter Bays]

They catch food with their tongues.

[Lindsay]

Flies, Sam. They catch flies.

[Carter Bays]

Yeah, and to a bullfrog, a fly is like the most delicious thing ever. A fly is a bullfrog. Banana split.

[Pete]

Hey, I wonder if female frogs hate frog. Carl, Nessie, I need you to go down to the pond in Central Park. Get three. No, ten. Ten female frogs.

[Andrew Reich]

Finally, Nessie gets up, visibly shaken.

[Nessie]

I'm moving back to Wisconsin.

[Andrew Reich]

She starts to leave, but Lindsay stands up.

[Lindsay]

So you're just leaving?

[Nessie]

As soon as possible, yes.

[Lindsay]

But I thought we had a nice little friendship forming here.

[Nessie]

What? All you do is make fun of me. That that's how you treat your friends.

[Lindsay]

How does it work in Wisconsin?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie shakes her head and exits. The waitress appears and looks at the bullfrog, kind of perplexed. After a beat, Carl, we go to the riverwalk. Nessie is walking along the river on her phone.

[Nessie]

Mom.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam catches up with her.

[Carter Bays]

No, Nessie, no. Hang up the phone.

[Andrew Reich]

He tries to take the phone from her. They wrestle for it.

[Nessie]

No, Mom, I'm not being mugged. It's just this weird guy I work with.

[Carter Bays]

This is for your own good.

[Andrew Reich]

In the struggle, the phone goes flying into the East River. Splash. A long beat. And then.

[Carter Bays]

Okay, we need to get a bag of rice.

[Nessie]

You owe me a phone.

[Carter Bays]

Yes, I owe you a phone, but hear me out. You can't leave. You can't give up. New York is Rough, no doubt. When it's cold, it is up yours cold. When it's hot it is, screw you hot. And yes, sometimes people get turned into frogs. There is dark magic here, no doubt, but there's also good magic, I mean.

[Andrew Reich]

He gestures off camera and we swing around to a postcard view of the Brooklyn Bridge. Then right back to Nessie. The view has the desired effect on her. She softens for a moment and then.

[Nessie]

Okay, yes, beautiful bridge. But witches. That stuff just doesn't happen in Greenleaf.

[Carter Bays]

Neither does that stuff.

[Andrew Reich]

He points to the bridge and again we swing around to a postcard shot. Only this time, in the foreground, a two foot long rat emerges from a trash can and scurries away. Nessie screams. It's terrifying. Back on Nessie and Sam holding each other.

[Carter Bays]

Oh my God, that is going to give me nightmares. That really will.

[Craig Thomas]

Look.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam stops himself from gagging and then look.

[Carter Bays]

New York isn't the guarantee that something great is going to happen. But it is the chance that it might at any moment. And if you ask me, that's worth a few witches and rats and whatever that creepy heavyset gentleman is doing over there in the bushes. Oh, don't look.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie can't help but smile at this.

[Carter Bays]

New York needs people with good magic inside them, Nessie. Or else we're lost.

[Andrew Reich]

New York needs you off, Nessie thinking about this, we go to the belfry. Lindsay and Pete continue to ponder frog philosophy.

[Pete]

Oh, sack up, Lindsay. Middle school science classes do it all the time.

[Lindsay]

You are not gonna dissect Carl.

[Andrew Reich]

Just then, Nessie rushes in, grabs the frog and runs out on the street. Nessie marches up to Rachel's door. Pete, Lindsay and Sam catch up to her.

[Lindsay]

Nessie wait.

[Andrew Reich]

But it's too late. She rings the doorbell.

[Carl]

Hide.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete, Lindsay and Sam hide behind a car as Rachel answers the door, still holding her phone to her ear. Behind her, we see pictures of her kids on the wall.

[Nessie]

Can I help you? Yes, you can. You turned my friend into a frog.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie holds up the frog.

[Nessie]

Look, I just moved here this week. Maybe you don't remember what that first week in New York is like.

[Lindsay]

My first week in New York, My

[Nessie]

whole family was murdered by Indians. It was 1631. Okay, Native Americans, but yes, exactly. It sucks. But now you live in a freaking Pottery Barn catalog. You're living the dream. Isn't it time to let bygones be bygones?

[Lindsay]

No.

[Nessie]

Yes, it is.

[Lindsay]

No, it isn't.

[Andrew Reich]

Rachel's eyes narrow. The wind starts to blow a little. Oh behind the car across the street, Lindsay, Pete and Sam watch the action unfold.

[Carter Bays]

Guys, we gotta help her.

[Pete]

Absolutely not. Do you want to get turned into a frog too?

[Carter Bays]

Yeah, kinda.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam runs to join Nessie as she yells at Rachel.

[Nessie]

Oh, oh, and now you're gonna cast some spell on me, is that it? You know, everyone back in Wisconsin thinks New Yorkers are mean. Are you really gonna prove them right?

[Andrew Reich]

Rachel's eyes glow red. Sam steps in front of Nessie.

[Carter Bays]

Get behind me, Nessie. If anyone gets to be a frog, it's me gets to. No, I mean I don't want to be a frog at all. Or a dolphin.

[Andrew Reich]

Sam is clearly pretty excited. The clouds start to swirl in the sky overhead. Oh, and then from the phone.

[Lindsay]

Metro Cable, how can I help you?

[Andrew Reich]

The magic suddenly stops as Rachel answers the phone.

[Nessie]

Oh my God. Yes, Hi. Finally. I've been on hold for over an hour. My WI fi isn't working.

[Andrew Reich]

Please hold.

[Nessie]

Oh my God. No, don't put me back on the hold.

[Andrew Reich]

Music comes back on. Rachel lets out a demonic howl. Across the street behind the car, Pete and Lindsay are agog.

[Pete]

Oh, she's mad now.

[Lindsay]

I don't blame her. Metro cable sucks.

[Andrew Reich]

The clouds start to swirl again. Rachel turns to Nessie, about to cast a spell. Nessie thinks fast.

[Nessie]

I can set up your WI fi.

[Andrew Reich]

Rachel pauses, her eyes still red, the clouds still swirling.

[Lindsay]

What?

[Nessie]

I worked at Radio Shack. Please let me take a look. I can fix it.

[Andrew Reich]

A beat as Rachel thinks about it. And then we're in Rachel's living room. The whole gang is in Rachel's tastefully decorated living room. Rachel eyes back to normal, sits at her laptop. She's absolutely amazed that her WI fi is working.

[Nessie]

God, it's working. It's actually working. Just the most amazing thing ever. So can you please defrog my friend?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie holds up the frog. Rachel smiles warmly at her.

[Nessie]

Why, Nessie, the power to break the spell has been in your hands all along. Simply give him a kiss and everything

[Lindsay]

will return to normal.

[Nessie]

Seriously.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie shrugs, closes her eyes and gives the frog a kiss. Everyone bursts out laughing. The frog remains a frog.

[Nessie]

Sorry, I had to.

[Andrew Reich]

Damn it.

[Pete]

Rach is funny.

[Andrew Reich]

Rachel then waves her hands and turns the frog into Carl.

[Carl]

Was I a frog? Was I a frog?

[Carter Bays]

Was an awesome frog.

[Andrew Reich]

On a New York street. A little later, the gang plus Carl walk back to the bar.

[Pete]

What a night for science. An actual live encounter with a witch. And we live to tell the tale. Didn't get that feces sample, but whatever. Still pretty good.

[Josh Radnor]

Night.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete, Lindsey and Sam enter the bar. Nessie notices that Carl has stopped to enjoy the look of confused non recognition on the face of every passing woman. He turns to Nessie, amazed.

[Carl]

They don't hate me. They think I'm a little creepy, but

[Craig Thomas]

they don't hate me.

[Carl]

How can I ever repay you?

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie thinks.

[Nessie]

And then, you know, it's too bad I'm the only one of us who remembers last night. Because it was a lot of fun.

[Andrew Reich]

She smiles at him and he smiles back. In the bar moments later, Lindsay and Sam watch Nessie and Carl out of the window.

[Lindsay]

Yes, Nessie's okay. Of course, I don't have to tell you that. You're obviously in love with her.

[Carl]

What?

[Carter Bays]

No, I'm not. I have zero interest in her whatso.

[Andrew Reich]

And right before their eyes, Nessie and Carl start kissing.

[Carter Bays]

Damn it.

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay laughs and throws her arm around her buddy Sam. We dissolve to Carl's bedroom. It's morning. Nessie wakes up next to a smiling Carl. He looks at her fondly. He can't believe his luck. Good morning. He hops out of bed. Chipper.

[Carl]

So listen, do you want to meet my parents?

[Lindsay]

What?

[Carter Bays]

I just.

[Carl]

I know they're gonna love you just as much as I do. Wow, that just popped out there. Well, you know what? Let's leave it out there.

[Andrew Reich]

He turns to open the shades.

[Carl]

I've wasted so much time already. Ready? I. I just want to say it. Nessie, I.

[Andrew Reich]

He turns back around and she is gone.

[Carl]

Nessie.

[Andrew Reich]

We're exterior of the New York Museum of Mythological History. An awesome song plays. Nessie strolls up to the building wearing sunglasses and clutching an enormous latte. Standing in the doorway is Lindsay. Lindsay looks her up and down.

[Lindsay]

Well, well. Same close as last night. You know, there's a word for girls like you. New Yorker.

[Andrew Reich]

Lindsay and Nessie bump fists. Pete emerges from the museum.

[Pete]

Oh good, you're both here. I got the results back on that feces.

[Lindsay]

Sasquatch.

[Pete]

No, werewolf.

[Andrew Reich]

Nessie and Lindsay look at each other and shrug.

[Nessie]

Okay, let's go catch a werewolf.

[Pete]

Oh, by the way, Nessie, here's your museum employee badge. Do not lose this.

[Andrew Reich]

Pete hands Nessie an ID badge with her picture on it, then heads inside with Lindsay. Nessie hangs back a beat, smiling at the badge, her eyes welling up a little bit. She did it. Thud. The moment is broken as Sam falls into frame from above.

[Carter Bays]

Oh, you heard the man.

[Andrew Reich]

Let's go. They head in as we pan up to the words carved in stone. The New York Museum of Mythological history. And just then a pigeon lands on a cornice just above the words. And not just any pigeon, a two headed pigeon. And we cut to black. What a great pilot. I mean, no other podcast brings you anything like this. Think about how many podcasts there are out there that are just a couple people just kind of shooting the shit, just like talking about stuff like that's what the podcast is. That's just like sports or politics or movies or whatever it is. It takes so much work to put together this podcast, to, to find the scripts, to, to sift through and read scripts and then to cast them, you know, it's not like every actor we ask says yes right away. It's a lot of work. No one else does this, you know, and we're bringing you material like this. And we've got another absolutely amazing dead pilot from Carter and Craig coming your way, just a few days. Totally different. If you value this service we provide, please consider becoming a member for as little as $5 a month. Or if you're already a member, consider upgrading or boosting. But if you're not a member yet, just think just for as little as $5 a month, that's less than a California gallon of gas. You can opt to pay upfront for a year of support. When your year is up, it'll just revert to monthly unless you choose to pay upfront for another year. They make it easy for you. So please go to maximumfun.org joinedeadpilots Dead Pilot Society is produced by me and my co producer, Ben Blacker and our associate producer, Brit Robichaux. That's the team you are supporting. We're going to be back in your ears very soon, but until then, go right now. While you're thinking about it, go to maximumfun.org joinedead Pilots thank you. Thank you so much.

[Pete]

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[Andrew Reich]

Plus you'll see which discounts you may

[Pete]

qualify for, like the online quote discount or or savings for paying in full. In fact, 99% of Progressive Auto customers earn at least one discount. See if you could save when you switch to Progressive. You'll feel good about making a savvy choice. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[Josh Radnor]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.

[Craig Thomas]

I don't know if you knew this,

[Josh Radnor]

but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying.

[Craig Thomas]

It's not just for celebrities, so do

[Josh Radnor]

like I did and have one of

[Andrew Reich]

your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today.

[Josh Radnor]

I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

[Lindsay]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month

[Andrew Reich]

Required intro rate first 3 months only,

[Nessie]

then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full [e-mail],.