Episode Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 297: Parenting with ADHD? Here’s the #1 Mindset Shift You Need!
Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: Dr. Jessica McCarthy, Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Neuropsychologist
Release Date: January 7, 2025

Overview

This lively and candid episode dives into the unique (and often overwhelming) challenges of parenting with ADHD. Host Kristen Carder welcomes back Dr. Jessica McCarthy to discuss the nuanced experiences of parents with ADHD—whether partnered, solo, or single—sharing personal stories, practical strategies, and the essential mindset shift to embrace as an ADHD parent. The conversation tackles emotional regulation, flexible frameworks, and the line between control and connection, all while remaining refreshingly real about the messiness (and humor) of parenting.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Realities of Parenting with ADHD (00:40–06:57)

• The Extra Layer of Complexity:
  • Parenting with ADHD means you’re responsible for someone else’s “frontal lobe” while your own is “dangling for dear life” ([02:00], McCarthy).
  • Dr. McCarthy shares her experience as a divorced, single parent, highlighting the immense challenge of continually adapting to custody schedules and the ever-evolving logistics of kids' activities.
• Schedule Paralysis:
  • The unpredictability and changeability of parenting schedules can be crushing for ADHDers, whose executive function struggles make transitions and planning especially difficult.
  • “You can get really bogged down into the moment-to-moment minutiae of how to do this, to the point where the paralysis of where to start and how to problem-solve [is overwhelming].” ([05:12], McCarthy)
• Self-forgiveness and Grace:
  • Both host and guest emphasize letting go of guilt and practicing self-compassion as critical to surviving and thriving as an ADHD parent.

Moving Beyond ‘Being the Frontal Lobe’ – Teaching, Not Just Doing (08:02–14:08)

• Teaching Metacognition:
  • Dr. McCarthy questions the “it’s our job to be their frontal lobe” narrative, suggesting it’s more valuable to teach kids to think about what needs to be done, rather than just doing things for them.
  • She implements chore charts and prompts, encouraging her children to reflect: “What needs to be done in this room to consider it complete?” ([12:23], McCarthy)
• Modeling Imperfection:
  • By sharing her own struggles and being transparent (“My bed’s not made yet, Mom.” “You’re absolutely right.”), McCarthy fosters accountability and buy-in from her children ([13:00], McCarthy).

Emotional Regulation for Parents and Kids (16:11–24:44)

• Laying the Foundation:
  • Emotional regulation starts with basic self-care: sleep, nutrition, hydration, movement, and self-kindness.
  • “How am I eating, sleeping, hydrating, moving my body, and how am I treating myself? Because I’ve been through a lot of shit too, right in this moment.” ([16:30], McCarthy)
• Real-Time Coping and Repair:
  • McCarthy openly admits to yelling, cursing, and then apologizing, modeling for her kids that adults also make mistakes and can repair relationships.
  • She underscores not overburdening children with adult emotional needs: “You are the child, I am the adult. It is not your place to take care of me.” ([18:48], McCarthy)
• Adaptable Expectations:
  • Considers developmental norms when setting expectations for her kids' behavior and self-regulation.

The Mindset Shift: Flexible Frameworks vs. Perfection (24:45–26:24)

• Defining a Framework:
  • McCarthy describes her parenting framework as focusing on raising “kind people who don’t suck, are independent, content, and can launch successfully”—not on perfection, grades, or constant happiness.
  • “When I remind myself of that framework... I’m able to parent more flexibly and effectively.” ([23:18], McCarthy)
• Consistency, Not Perfection:
  • “It’s consistency, not perfection.” ([25:27], McCarthy)
  • Normalizes that happiness and perfection are unattainable, and that it’s okay for kids and parents to have bad days.

Control vs. Connection: The Guiding Question (26:32–27:46)

• Kristen’s Game-Changing Question:
  • “Do I want control or do I want connection?” ([26:41], Carder)
  • Dr. McCarthy agrees, noting that sometimes control is necessary (e.g., safety issues), but most of the time, fostering connection leads to better outcomes.
• Connecting in Difficult Moments:
  • When kids are dysregulated, sometimes the best step is to connect to the present, not immediately “solve” the problem (“How can we just be with that?”).

Ride or Die Parenting & Emotional Resilience (29:40–34:35)

• What it Means to Be a “Ride or Die” Parent:
  • Communicate unconditional support: “There’s nothing that you can’t tell me that’s going to get me to the point where you’re not my kid anymore... I am here.” ([30:40], McCarthy)
  • Say it explicitly and mean it; it builds trust and encourages openness.
  • Flexibility and accountability are vital—sometimes parents must acknowledge their own mistakes and repair, rather than just “dropping the hammer.”
  • Preparation for life’s unpredictability: “I’m always gonna be walking along with you... but you get to the point where you’re older, you launch, you do your own family... I’m still walking. I’m here with you through anything.” ([33:23], McCarthy)

The Repair Process in Parenting (34:28–37:14)

• Why Repair Is Essential:
  • Repair after rupture normalizes imperfection, maintains trust, and teaches kids how to navigate mistakes.
  • Timing matters; repair shouldn’t be attempted when emotions are still raw.
  • The process requires parents to avoid oversharing or making children responsible for parental emotions; accountability should be caring, clear, and developmentally appropriate.
  • “At some point, they will be adults and can make their own choices in life. But...they are living with the consequences of our actions. I acknowledge that in the repair process.” ([35:35], McCarthy)
• Memorable Example:
  • Dr. McCarthy humorously recounts throwing out her daughter’s Halloween candy after a conflict, owning up to both her emotional motivation and her relief to get rid of the candy—and telling her child, “Good, you little shitling.” Both she and her child came to understand each other afterward, highlighting the importance of repair over perfection ([36:04], McCarthy).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parenting with ADHD:
  “It is so hard to be a human with ADHD, just in general...but then adding kids into the mix where you are responsible to be someone else’s frontal lobe...when yours is, like, hanging on by a neuron.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [01:56]

• On guilt & self-forgiveness:
  “Sometimes I like to fuck around and find out, and sometimes I find out.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [05:12]

• Defining the key mindset shift:
  “It’s not my job to be anything. It’s my job to teach you.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [09:00]

• On transparency with your kids:
  “I have to model my struggles. I’m not doing this perfectly, and I’m learning along and also acknowledge that.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [13:31]

• Kristen’s guiding question:
  “Do I want control or do I want connection?”
  — Kristen Carder, [26:41]

• On being a ride-or-die parent:
  “There’s nothing that you can’t tell me that’s going to get me to the point where...you’re not my kid anymore. I am here.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [30:40]

• On the repair process:
  “Repair is incredibly important because kids need to know...just because you’re the adult and you’re older doesn’t mean you’re always right. What’s my accountability? And I’m sorry.”
  — Dr. Jessica McCarthy, [34:35]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:08 – Introduction to Dr. Jessica McCarthy and episode theme
• 02:10 – Jessica describes divorce, custody, and scheduling with ADHD
• 06:58 – Evolution as a parent; allowing for different versions of ourselves
• 08:02 – Teaching metacognitive skills, not just compliance
• 12:23 – The power of the reflective question: “What needs to be done here?”
• 16:11 – Emotional regulation for parents and kids
• 18:48 – Avoiding emotional parentification
• 23:18 – Defining a parenting framework: outcomes, not perfection
• 26:41 – Kristen’s “control vs. connection” question
• 29:40 – What it means to be a “ride or die” parent
• 34:35 – The repair process; why, when, and how
• 36:04 – The Halloween candy example: humor, exhaustion, and repair

Takeaways for Parents with ADHD

• You do not need to be perfect—parenting is about consistency, repair, and modeling growth.
• Frameworks, rather than rigid rules or chasing perfection, empower you to parent with intention and self-compassion.
• Open communication and emotional flexibility build trust and connection, both in low and high moments.
• It’s okay to need support—therapy, coaching, and community can help you (and your kids) develop the skills needed to navigate ADHD and parenting alike.

This episode offers powerful reassurance, laughter, and practical wisdom for anyone facing the dual adventures of ADHD and parenting.