B (13:53)

Hi, Kristen, this is Elena. Just finding out that this is a new segment, and I am immediately adding this number to my contacts. I'm going to be putting you on speed dial. Anyways, one of my very, very dear friends is thinking maybe he possibly has adhd. He backs at his computer and stares at it for hours. He's able to even start work or anything, which is literally so relatable to me. And I was like, bro, you have adhd. But he doesn't have insurance. He definitely does have money to, like, pay for medication out of pocket. So he's kind of saying, like, well, even if I do have adhd, does it really matter? Like, Like, I don't know what I can even do about it. And yeah, as an ad here. It's hard to communicate, like, the value this podcast presents me. And, you know, I force something on him that isn't right for him. So I'm just wondering, like, it's like, I don't know, the ways I can support him if he's not looking to pursue medication or maybe probably not therapy either. And how I can convince him to start listening to the podcast and tell him that it's worth learning about adhd. If you're still not able to medicate, I don't know. I can be done rambling. Thank you.

A (15:21)

You're so cute. Elena, you're not rambling. I love that you called. Thank you so much. I think that one of the hardest parts about being a grownup is that you can't convince other grownups to do what you think is the best thing. Honestly, for me, that is one of the hardest parts about being a human is that I cannot convince or make other humans do what I think is best for them. And I don't like that part. I don't like that part of being human. It's so, so annoying. So, honestly, like, what you're doing by just talking to him and by just sharing your own story is so impact. But we can't force other grownups to do anything. Why? Like, I often think if I could just, like, control people and run the world and, like, be like, a puppeteer, everything would be so much better. But I guess it's just not the way it's intended to be. So I just. I encourage you to share your story with him. I encourage you to just be honest about what's been helpful for you. I encourage you to just share vulnerably. Like, here's what has changed for me. Here's what's impacting me. Here's what I think. Like, here's what I see in you. And, like, I appreciate when a friend says to me, like, hey, I see this in you. And that, to me, like, that's a real friend. And so I encourage you to do that. But you can't force anybody to do anything. But here's the thing. Even if he doesn't have insurance, he might not know that he could use GoodRx coupons for medication. So, like, yes, a diagnosis might be costly to him, but GoodRx is an amazing. If you guys don't know what it is, we'll link it. It is so awesome. It's essentially, there's all types of medication on there, but there's a ton of ADHD medication. I use it for my medication. The medication that I use is about 40 bucks a month on Goodrx. So because my deductible is so high with my insurance, it just, it makes more sense for me to use a Goodrx coupon than to use insurance for my medication. So I just really want you to know, and maybe you can share this with him, that even if he doesn't have insurance, there are cost effective ways to get medication. Additionally, even just knowing about your brain is so transformative. Now, he might not agree, but, Elena, I can hear in your voice that you're like, this has been life changing for me. And so I agree with you. I agree that just knowing about adhd, that just knowing how your brain works, that just knowing that your dopamine reward system is broken and that you're always going to be chasing dopamine and that you're always going to be looking for something to fill the dopamine void, that's really important information, whether or not you choose to medicate. That alone is such important information. And so I am completely on the side of whether or not you choose to medically treat adhd. It is still worth understanding. Your own brain information is powerful and you get to choose what you do with that information. But I. I would recommend that he get a diagnosis. But again, like, he's an autonomous human being. He's maybe resistant to being told what to do, which is also like a characteristic of adhd, and he gets to decide. So I, Elena, would encourage you to share vulnerably with him and to let go of feeling any sort of responsibility for him. He gets to do what he wants to do. It is his life. You are just there as a friend. He gets to make his own choices and that's that. Unfortunately, we don't get to control the other humans. I don't understand why that's the way life is, but that's the way life is. All right, thanks, Elena. Let's move on. Let's hear from Michelle.

B (19:56)

Hi, my name is Michelle Biggs. I'm calling from Greenwood, Delaware, and I absolutely love your podcast. It has been so helpful. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago, and I've had numerous counselors, but when I bring up adhd, they just are like, no, no, no. They downplay it and such. And so your podcast has been absolutely amazing. Right now, I have a question for you. I have a friend who I've been friends with for, like, probably eight years, and she seems to have all the same symptoms as I, and I really think she had adhd, but, you know, sort of. She's in denial of it. And she keeps asking me to cleanse her out and help her with, like, big, huge projects. She feels totally overwhelmed with. That's what she is. I feel totally overwhelmed with as well. And no one else was coming and, you know, saving her, so to speak. Yeah, helping her and her power through. That's what I've learned to do. Won't make any overs and day, but I just, like, try to power through. And that's sort of like the feeling I had with her. I'm like, I can't come help you, save you, because I can't. It's freaking overwhelming for me. And I can't even hardly get my own done.

A (21:05)

Yeah.

B (21:11)

How she feels like you were being l. But anyway, should I have things go help her or. I fucking know. Can you help?

A (21:21)

Oh, Michelle, Yes, I can help. I, like, hereby release you of the shame and guilt that you're feeling. I sign a permission slip for you not to go over and help her. Here's the thing, my friends. We're not going to help people who are unwilling to help themselves. We are not going to sacrifice and give and drain our capacity when people are not willing to do things for themselves. It's a no. It's a no. So you've shared with her, hey, girl. I think that you have many of the same symptoms as I do. I think that you should pursue a diagnosis. And she said, nah, I don't want to. She said, I don't want to. And that is her choice. That is completely within her. Right. Obviously, as a human. We just talked about this with Elena. Right. She doesn't have to pursue a diagnosis. But on the flip side of that, you don't have to give what you don't even have to give to help someone who is not willing to help herself. And it's very painful. Again, it's like watching other people suffer is so hard. And we have this desire, and I do believe that ADHDers are filled with so much empathy. We have this desire to save people, to rescue people, because we know what it's like. We know what it's like to struggle. But, Michelle, I want to hold up the contrast of like, yes, you know what it's like to struggle. You know what it's like to have a difficult time. But you're also. You also know about your brain. And you're also like, helping yourself with your adhd. You are taking responsibility. That's what I've been. That's What I was trying to find in my brain. You're taking responsibility for your adhd. You are learning how to work with your brain and not against it. You are. You are understanding your capacity. You are realizing what you're able to do and not able to do. And your friend is not on the same journey. Your friend wants you to rescue her, but I hereby release you of the guilt and shame that you feel because you are not willing to rescue someone who is not taking responsibility for themselves. Okay, pause. Please don't hear me say that we should be a holes to everyone. That is not at all what I'm saying. Please don't hear me say that we shouldn't have compassion for people. Please don't hear me say that like, oh, well, if you're not willing to do xyz, then I'm never gonna help. That's not what I'm saying. Okay, do you really hear me? That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying, though, to you specifically, Michelle, is that you know what your capacity is. You understand that her projects are overwhelming to you. You also see that she is unwilling to take responsibility for the way that she's functioning in the world. Whether it's ADHD or some other issue that she is facing, she's not willing to pursue help, wholeness and restoration for those things. Because of that, I would be very wary to give of my mental emot spiritual capacity to her because what that is actually doing is enabling her to continue to not take responsibility for her own functioning. It's actually enabling her to continue to not take responsibility for herself and the way that she functions. So, Michelle, I just want to release you. I want to release you from that shame and guilt. And when it inevitably comes, I want you to see speak to that guilt. Hi, guilt. I see you. I feel you. I feel you so intensely. I know you're here because I'm not rescuing my friend. And somewhere along the way, I was taught that it was my responsibility to rescue other adults from their own lives. And I no longer accept that responsibility. It is not my responsibility to rescue adults from a life that they have created. It's not. It's not my responsibility. My responsibility is my life, my job, my kids, my animals, my home, my domain. Those are my responsibility. Anything else that I give is out of the overflow of my capacity. Anything else that. Oh, I'm yelling. I'm sorry. Anything else that I give is out of the overflow of my capacity. And so if and when I have overflow of capacity, from overflowing, from. I've already given my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical capacity to my own home, to my own responsibilities, to my own family, my own job. And everything that I am in charge of, I've already given. I've already taken care of those responsibilities. And if there is overflow, of course I want to help my friend. Of course I want to help my friend, But I am not going to give a portion of what actually belongs to my responsibilities. And so I see you, Guilt. I know you're here because somewhere along the way, I was taught that it's my job to rescue other adults, but it's not. And Kristin Carter says I don't have to. Like, sometimes I know my clients use it. And so, like Michelle, I want you to use it as well. Like Kristin Carter says, I don't have to. I've written a permission slip for you. You do not have to rescue this person or any other adult human in your life. This just is. This just is so indicative of relational. The overlap between relational trauma and adhd, where as kids, so many of us. And Michelle, I don't know you, so I don't know if this is your story, but I'm gonna talk about myself and so many of the clients that I work with. So many of us were conditioned as kids that it was our job to take care of our parents. That's what we were conditioned to believe. And because of that, because we were conditioned and groomed and really forced to take care of the emotional, most of the time, emotional and sometimes even physical needs of our parents, we have this tendency to now carry that over into our own adulthood, thinking that is our responsibility to take care of other grownups, and it is not. And so you, Michelle, and every listener here, I want you to ask yourself, am I trying to rescue a grownup? This is a really important question. Am I trying to rescue a grownup? Here's another important question. Do I feel responsible for someone else's life, for someone else's choices, for someone else's path? Do I feel responsible for an adult's life? Because, like, obviously it's different when you have kids. You actually are responsible for them. But when we are talking about other adults who have autonomy and control and responsibility over their own life, we have nothing to do with that. We have nothing to do with that. We can support, we can encourage, but we should not ever rescue. I spent so much time on this because I see this so often in the ADHD community that we feel so responsible to take care of other grownups and we're just not. And what we are so prone to do is to use our mental, physical, emotional, spiritual capacity to help others. And then we have nothing left to help ourselves. And then we wonder why we're struggling. And so I want you, dear listener, I want you to think about what am I in charge of? And am I using my mental, spiritual, emotional, physical energy and capacity and strength, like everything that I have? Am I using it for my responsibilities? Or am I very much focused on other people, other people's drama, other people's lives, other people's responsibilities and making sure they're okay? I will pause and say that sometimes it's actually more comfortable to think about other people because it's hard to. It's hard to take care of our own lives. And so sometimes it's like, actually more fun and more stimulating, more dopamine producing to get into other people's drama. And I just want to say, focus on your own stuff. Be committed to your own responsibilities. Understand what's yours. Understand what? I'm trying not to use this phrase, but I'm going to use it. What pigs are in your pen. Understand? What pigs are in your pen? I want you to think about a pen. I want to think about your pigs. What pigs are in your pen? This is a phrase that my sister's friend used years ago. She would say, those pigs are not in my pen. It's such a silly phrase, but it has stuck with me because it is such a perfect example. It's such a perfect visual illustration of boundaries. Because, Michelle, your friend's pigs are running around like crazy outside of. Outside of your pen. And she is saying, like, hey, help me with my pigs. This is the dumbest thing I've ever. I can't believe I am saying it like this. I hope that you guys don't hate me. You guys are all, like, immediately unsubscribe. I'm so sorry. Okay, Michelle. What pigs are in your pen? Worry about your own, okay? We just have to think about, like, our own lives, our own responsibilities, and are we getting sucked in to other people's domain? It's a distraction from what we are put here on the earth to do, okay? I promise I will move on. Guys, did I lose you? I hope I didn't. We're about to talk about the research of the week, and I think this is gonna be interesting. Okay? So stick with me. I'm on a health kick right now, and my kids are so annoyed at me. I've changed the type of rice and pasta and bread that we eat at home. I've even eliminated all breakfast cereals from the house. No more Captain Crunch or Cinnamon Toast Crunch to be found in the Carter home. It's a true ADHD hyperfocus for me right now. But one thing that I've stuck with, and I don't think I'll ever stop taking, is AG1. I, Kristen Carter, an adult with ADHD, have been able to be consistent with taking AG1 every single day for a long time. It's the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, before coffee, before anything. It literally takes me about 60 to 90 seconds to just scoop it into some cold water, shake it up and drink it. It really is so easy. And I'm traveling with my family to Indiana for the holidays. We'll be staying in a hotel, eating out for a lot of our meals, and generally partaking in lots of non healthy activities, which is fine because balance, you know what I'm saying? And I know that I can stay consistent with AG1 thanks to their travel path packs. I'm just gonna pop six travel packs into my shaker, slip that baby into my travel bag, and done. It's so simple, I don't even have to think about it. So I encourage you this new year, if you want to do one thing to improve your health as an adult with ADHD, try AG1 for yourself. It's the perfect time to start a new healthy habit. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. And listen to this. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3K2, and five free travel packs, just like I'm going to be using over the holidays. You'll get all of that in your first box, so make sure to check out drinkag1.com Ihaveadhd to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com IhaveadHD to start your new year on a healthier note. Research of the week. We're gonna talk about the overlap and the link between dyslexia and adhd. Now, I did interview a dyslexia expert pretty recently. It was episode 274, so you can go and listen to that. It was really, really a fascinating episode. And actually a lot of you reached out to me on Instagram and said that you were like so encouraged and that the episode was extremely helpful to you. So again, it's episode number 274. If you are finding me on YouTube. And you're watching this on YouTube. 274 is audio only, so if you want to listen to it, go find it on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. So let's talk about dyslexia briefly and then we'll review the research that has recently come out. So dyslexia is a learning difficulty with neurodevelopmental origins. And that's really important. Neurodevelopmental origins. ADHD also has neurodevelopmental origins. Interesting, right? Dyslexia manifests as reduced accuracy and speed in reading and spelling. It is substantially heritable, meaning like it runs in families. And it frequently co occurs with other neurodevelopmental conditions, particularly adhd. Dyslexia is classed as a specific learning disorder in the DSM 5 and is defined as persistent difficulty with accurate and or fluent word reading and poor spelling ability. Okay, so if you struggle with reading, if you struggle with spelling, and I know dysgraphia is a different thing, but if you struggle with writing, it's under the dyslexia umbrella. Here's a weird fact about dyslexia. There are no universal diagnostic criteria. Let me say it again, this is crazy. There are no universal diagnostic criteria for dyslexia, but it's typically identified when reading and writing abilities fall below expectations, considering the person's age, exposure to effective education, and other cognitive abilities. Essentially, if your intelligence is relatively high, but your ability to read and write is relatively low compared to your intelligence, if there's a large gap between the two, you will often be classified as dyslexic. Okay, so it's like if the reading and writing can't be related to some other, like, oh, you struggle with reading and writing because of this specific deficit. So if it's like your. Your cognitive abilities are relatively high, but your reading and writing abilities are relatively low and there's a large gap between the two, then you are often classified as dyslexic. Okay, it's typically identified in childhood, but you don't grow out of it. It is just like ADHD in that case, where it may be identified in childhood. But if you're dyslexic, you're dyslexic. It's not something you grow out of. It's been viewed as a neurodevelopmental disorder linked to structural, connective and functional abnormalities in brain region. Okay, I should be telling you right now that I'm actually reading directly from a study and it's called Genetic Neurodevelopmental Clustering and Dyslexia. We will obviously link it in the show notes. But when it sounds like I'm reading, that's because I'm reading from the study. There's also a really interesting article that kind of synthesizes the study from Attitude magazine, which we will also link if you're interested in the research between dyslexia, the overlap between dyslexia and adhd. So we were just talking about the diagnostic criteria and what I find interesting for our conversation here is that dyslexia and ADHD are very closely linked. And what they found is that there are 49 genetic regions that ADHD and dyslexia share, which is wild, 40 of which are newly discovered, 174 Genesis, including 121 unidentified ones. So there's a ton of genetic overlap between dyslexia and ADHD which we did not previously know. We did know that like, oh, it's really interesting that a lot of people with ADHD are also dyslexic. But now what we can clearly see is a genetic overlap between the two and that is wild. What's also interesting. So ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder. However, I'm reading from the study here. This is right from it. In this model, ADHD aligns more closely with dyslexia than autism, suggesting that ADHD may be better termed as a learning difficulty than a psychiatric disorder and highlighting the importance of it being managed within the education and later employment. And the genetic correlation between dyslexia and autism is almost non existent. So major genetic overlap between dyslexia and ADHD and almost no genetic overlap between autism and dyslexia. It's wild. It's just very, very, very interesting things that I think are really important to note. Dyslexia is highly heritable, just like adhd. It runs in families. If someone you know, your mom, your dad, your aunt, your uncle, if those people struggled with reading, writing, spelling, it's very likely that you will as well. It's very likely that the diagnoses co occur. And for myself, like I notice a lot of dyslexic tendencies even though I am a proficient writer. I struggle a lot with reading clearly, with remembering what I've read, with reading out loud. I struggled so much more in my youth than I do now. But I will always prefer to listen to an audiobook which by the way is reading. Listening to an audiobook is reading. I would so much rather listen to an audiobook than actual read the written word. I have a kiddo who's diagnosed with dyslexia. It's probably more dysgraphia. He enjoys reading. He loves to read, but the writing and the spelling and getting his thoughts from his mind to the paper is so excruciatingly difficult for him. And so I see this play out on a daily basis in my family. Such an intelligent kid. And this is so important that dyslexia, just like adhd, is not related to intelligence. You can be a brilliant human and still be dyslexic. And actually to even be diagnosed, there does have to be a gap between your cognitive ability and your intelligence and your ability to read and write. So it's almost like dyslexic people are. Many are wildly intelligent, but then just struggle with the reading and or writing. Fascinating. If you or someone that you know and love is struggling with dyslexia or you suspect they might be dyslexic, I again want to refer you to the podcast that I did on dyslexia number 2 74. And just all of the amazing information that the dyslexia expert gave was so helpful and so go listen to that next. Okay, the resource of the week falls right in line with our discussion on dyslexia and adhd. So we're going to get into that now. I want to tell you about audio diary. Now, this is something that one of my clients posted in the focused ADHD coaching program in our community. And she was just like, hey, I just came across this. Have any of you used it? An audio diary? I looked it up. It's so cool. And if you are dyslexic, it will be so helpful to you. It is a super smart voice journal that captures, organizes and analyzes your thoughts. It analyzes your life's moments. Dyslexia can make it so hard to write something down, to get your thoughts out onto paper, to journal. And one of the ways that we move forward in our developmental process, in our self development is journaling, is getting our thoughts onto paper, is observing our own thinking, is working on the skill of metacognition, which is a executive function that is essentially thinking about your thinking and wanting of the primary ways that we do this is journaling. However, if you're dyslexic, journaling might feel like death. It might feel like a hell to the no. It might feel like absolutely not. I will Never just sit down and write things out. And so Audio Diary could be a really helpful resource for you. Dyslexia can make it hard to write and that makes it harder to journal and to get your thoughts out on paper. ADHD can make it hard it hard to think and process without talking out loud. How many of you ADHD years, maybe you're not even struggling with dyslexia, but how many of you can't really think unless you're talking? Hello, I'll wait. So many of you. It's like I'm not actually thinking unless I'm talking it out. So I process things verbally. And so that app seems like a really great fit for both disorders. Okay. It's a space for you to get your thoughts out easily. You can talk about anything or use their. They have like questions and prompts to guide you and to like get you started talking. It also talks back to you. So Audio Diary listens to what you say and provides insightful feedback on your entries. And what's cool about this is it automatically organizes and groups your entries so that that everything is always like situated and neat and tidy. They suggest realistic. It's like AI on steroids, I'm guessing, like realistic and relevant goals to help you achieve what's important. You can add photos, everything's organized. It just sounds like a really cool resource. It's free. I've downloaded it. I haven't used it, full disclosure, but I have it. It's downloaded on my phone, so that's at least something. I'm not an affiliate. I'm not getting any money for this. But it seems like a really awesome resource that could be super helpful for anyone who's adhd, dyslexic or both. So I hope you'll check that out. I hope you'll check it out. It sounds again, I can't stress this enough. I said it at the very beginning, I said it in the middle. I'm going to say it here at the end. I can't stress enough how so much journaling, getting your thoughts onto paper or in this case like into an app where you can see it, observing your thinking. I can't stress enough how important that is. If you want to move forward in your self development, it's imperative. What we struggle with as ADHDers is self reflection and metacognition. And those are two things that allow us to be in charge of our own thinking, in charge of our own decision making, in charge of our own destiny. And so those are two extremely important skills that we need to work on improving. And as I said earlier, it can be improved. Your brain wants to change. It is willing and able to expand and grow and make progress. But but not if you are not making any changes. It doesn't just happen automatically. It's not going to happen to you like lightning striking. You have to make some choices. You have to start somewhere. And I promise you that journaling and observing your thoughts is going to be a great starting point. Noticing what you're thinking, noticing your self talk, noticing what's not helpful and what you might want to tweak with, your outlook, with your worldview, with what, what you're thinking about, what you're focusing on. All of that can move you forward and that's all I care about. That is like my mission in life. Help people with ADHD and help them get from point A to point B. Like educate the world on ADHD and help people with ADHD get from point A to point B. I don't know where your point A is. It is not my job to tell you where your point B is. That is only for you to understand and decide. But I want to nudge you in that direction what that direction is. I am here for you, I adore you and I can't wait to talk to you next week. I'll see you then. If you're being treated for your ADHD but you still don't feel like you're reaching your potential, you've got to join Focus. It's my monthly coaching membership where I teach you how to tame your wild thoughts and create the life that you've always wanted. No matter what, what season of life you're in or where you are in the world, Focused is for you. All materials and call recordings are stored in the site for you to access at your convenience. Go to ihaveadhd. Com Focused for all the info.