334 Feeling Stuck? Awkward Relationships? Listen to Kristen's Coaching in Action

Summary

I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 334 Summary

Title: Feeling Stuck? Awkward Relationships? Listen to Kristen's Coaching in Action
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: September 16, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Kristen Carder offers a behind-the-scenes look at “FOCUSED” group coaching for adults with ADHD by sharing two live client coaching sessions. The show centers around two deeply relatable issues: feeling stuck in life (with “Bob,” who grapples with overwhelm, health, and self-prioritization) and navigating awkward or toxic workplace relationships (with “Heejung,” a teacher struggling to set boundaries at work). Kristen demonstrates supportive, practical coaching—validating client experiences, offering actionable strategies, and encouraging self-compassion.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Feeling Stuck and Overwhelmed – Bob’s Session

[04:24–35:44]

Bob’s Situation

• Longtime ADHD struggles, with anxiety and depression feeding each other (“I’m just in this vicious circle of the adhd, anxiety, depression, one feeds into the other and I, everything is just unbearable for me.” — Bob, [07:50])
• Overwhelmed by daily demands, struggles to prioritize himself, especially in the face of his daughter’s health challenges.
• Emotional fatigue: “If I would happen to fall into a coma for six months, I'd be okay with that right now, just because I need time for the voices and everything just to stop.” ([05:32])
• Experiences shame (family minimized ADHD, called it laziness).
• Difficulty accessing mental health support; struggles to find a good counselor, matches with an indifferent doctor.
• Takes medication inconsistently due to side effects; recently started Vyvanse and Prozac for depression.
• Has a strong support system in his wife, who “acts as the interpreter” for ADHD needs.

Kristen’s Coaching Approach

• Validation & Normalization: “You are so not alone in this. I think that you're putting language to so many of our ADHD experiences... it feels like too much.” ([10:15])
• Encouragement to Prioritize Self: Kristen urges Bob to focus on himself now that his daughter’s more independent: “Your work is letting her go and putting yourself first.” ([20:09])
• Recognizes difficulty due to family upbringing equating self-focus with selfishness: “It will probably feel super uncomfy because that’s like in the words of our parents’ generation—selfish... When in actuality, you deserve to focus on you and to figure out what’s going on for you.” ([21:28])
• Addresses age/inertia concerns: “It’s not too late for you. I’m gonna say it a couple times. It’s not too late for you. Mid 50s. Get out of here. You got so much more life to live. And what neuroscience tells us is that your brain is willing to change from the cradle to the grave.” ([24:20])
• Reframes “path of least resistance” as a legitimate way to participate in FOCUSED during times of overwhelm (e.g., attending live calls is enough).

Notable Quotes

• “Don’t use the resources here to hold them over your head and beat yourself up with... you’re not even allowed to do workbooks, Bob.” — Kristen [32:21]
• “It’s a lot easier for us ADHDers to hear like, ‘Hey, you messed up on this’... when somebody looks you in the face and is like, ‘You have so much potential’... I see a bright future for you. It’s coming. You’re on the right path. Keep going.” — Kristen [26:54]

Community Support Segment

• Kristen polls the group: almost no one actually completes workbooks; most succeed by engaging in other ways.
• “The path of least resistance is still a good path.” — Kristen [34:44]
• Bob’s daughter affirms: “I’m finally glad somebody’s telling him to take care of himself first.” ([35:01])

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2. Workplace Relationships and Boundaries – Heejung’s Session

[35:50–64:33]

Heejung’s Situation

• Music teacher in Germany, passionate about work and choir-building.
• Faces resistance and invalidation from older colleagues:
  • Criticized for taking initiative (e.g., securing €3,000 in funding for choir retreat).
  • Colleagues downplay or compete with her efforts; engage in frequent, toxic complaining.
  • Experiences jealousy and undermining (colleagues take more credit/time after resisting planning).
• Struggles to balance being a “team player” with protecting her own energy.
• Notices tendency to avoid conflict, people-please, and self-sacrifice due to fear of being disliked.
• Emotional toll: sadness and loss as supportive colleagues leave or step back.

Kristen’s Coaching Approach

• Clarity Around Toxicity: Kristen validates Heejung’s read of the situation: “These are not collaborative relationships... That’s not healthy behavior.” ([44:29], [47:37])
• Differentiates what is the principal’s feedback (which matters) from toxic peers (irrelevant): "If you were doing something wrong, your principal would come to you and say, ‘Hey, Heejung, you overstepped.’"
• Healthy Boundaries: Uses a Venn diagram metaphor to clarify what is “hers,” what is “theirs,” and what truly overlaps.
  • Encourages focus on overlapping work and not sacrificing her well-being for others’ approval.
  • Teaches that attempts to people-please toxic co-workers are futile: "They're unhappy. They're always mad. They're just always annoyed. But they're not very nice." ([53:35])
• Self-Compassion for People-Pleasing: Suggests this impulse is a protective, learned response from childhood; encourages Heejung to override it with her “grown self.”
• Gives permission not to make small talk or seek approval from toxic peers.

Notable Quotes

• “We don’t let people who suck hold the standard for our success. We can stitch that on a pillow.” — Kristen [50:55]
• “All you gotta do is sacrifice yourself and your values and your sanity. That’s all you have to do in order to keep the peace, right?” — Kristen quoting a community member [61:06]
• “What's mine to manage, what's theirs to manage. Where do we overlap? And the overlap should be very few things…” — Kristen [63:41]

Actionable Strategies

• Sit with the Venn diagram to distinguish what’s hers to manage and what belongs to others.
• Practice slow, considered responses instead of automatic yeses.
• Seek therapy (Heejung is already trying to do so).
• Release the obligation for small talk or emotional caretaking of toxic colleagues.
• Recognize when the “inner child” is acting and consciously switch to the adult self.

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Notable & Memorable Moments

• Bob’s Affirmation from His Daughter: She enters the room to support what Kristen is saying, providing a powerful emotional moment. ([35:01])
• Workbook Crowd-Sourcing: Half the community laughingly admits never completing a workbook (relieving perfectionism and shame for listeners) ([31:37])
• The “People Who Suck” Pillow Quote: Kristen’s frank, humorous metaphor for preserving self-worth ([50:55])
• Venn Diagram Exercise: Kristen’s use of a simple illustration to drive home boundaries ([51:44])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & Episode Setup ([00:00–04:24])
• Bob’s Coaching Session ([04:24–35:44])
  • Bob’s story: [05:12–10:15]
  • Prioritizing self: [18:09–22:07]
  • “It’s not too late” / Aging & ADHD: [22:24–26:54]
  • Path of least resistance (live calls): [28:33–35:44]
• Heejung’s Coaching Session ([35:50–64:33])
  • Workplace context: [36:27–46:08]
  • Validating toxic relationships: [46:48–47:45]
  • Venn diagram boundary exercise: [51:44–55:47]
  • People-pleasing & inner child: [57:07–62:32]
  • Action steps and closing: [63:29–64:33]

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Episode Tone & Style

Kristen maintains a warm, empathetic, and lively tone—balancing humor (“We can stitch that on a pillow!”), tangible coaching strategies, and deep emotional support. She normalizes participant struggles, uses self-disclosure to build trust, and invites laughter amid vulnerability. Authenticity, validation, and relatability are at the forefront.

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Summary Takeaway

This “coaching in action” episode spotlights two universal ADHD issues—overwhelm and difficult relationships—demonstrating the relief, practical wisdom, and hope that ADHD-focused coaching can provide. Listeners are left with the message that it’s never too late for growth, that self-care is not selfish, and that the path of least resistance is sometimes the wisest. For both clients and listeners, the invitation is to let go of shame, focus on genuine supports, and draw clear boundaries against invalidating voices—whether internal or external.

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“You have so much potential—not in a way that’s like, ‘don’t waste your potential,’ but, like, no, I see a bright future for you... It’s coming. You’re on the right path. Keep going.” — Kristen Carder [26:54]

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you've tuned in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. It is so good to be here with you. I am so happy to be in my office in Reading, Pennsylvania. I am not in the studio today, obviously. I. I just had a heck of a week. And you know what? Something had to give. Something had to give. And so here we are, we are here in my office doing a little podcast recording for you. I had the idea to host a focused coaching call featuring members who would be willing to be on the podcast. And so that's what you are going to. Now, I haven't shared a coaching call in quite some time with you and so I thought that we were due to give you a little peek behind the scenes within the Focus program and just share what it's like to be coached. A lot of you listening to the podcast maybe are curious about ADHD coaching or maybe you're just like, I hear about this Focus thing, I don't even know what she's talking about. I don't even know what that is. And so what we do with InFocus is I host a Zoom webinar. Everybody shows up and then people raise their hands if they want coaching and we have a one on one face to face conversation. And then everybody else in the chat hangs out, chit chats with each other, makes comments, ask questions and it's really just a party in the chat. And so today you're going to hear from Bob. Bob is struggling with overwhelm. He's struggling with his health and he's struggling with prioritizing himself and he feels stuck. And so I talked to Bob today about ways that he can get unstuck and if that's not relatable, I don't know what is. Because every single One of us ADHDers has been stuck at one time or another. And it is not fun, it is not for the faint of heart, it is not easy. And so I know that you are going to love to hear from Bob. And then additionally I speak with Heejung and she is struggling in her workplace relationships. And those workplace relationships are really impacting how she is able to show up and how she's able to like enjoy or not enjoy her workday. And so we have a long conversation about boundaries and about safety and about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to prioritize in those moments. So I think that these will be really relatable to you. I think you will love to hear all about these two people. And I just want you to notice how helpful it is to hear someone else be coached, how helpful it is to not be the one in the hot seat, to not be the one, you know, struggling in the moment, but to observe it and to be able to apply the wisdom of coaching to your own life, to your own scenarios. And this is how we change our lives within the focus program. This is how I changed my life when I was in a coaching membership for three years, and I was only coached by the coach one time. That's it. I only showed up to two live calls total in. In the three years that I was in the membership, because all I did was listen to the replays. I had little kids. I was just on the go all the time, and I just popped the. The replay into my ear via podcast, which is exactly what we do within Focused as well. And. And I changed my whole life because of it, and that's why I am here today. Being able to podcast and coach is because of the SEL development, that work that I did within that program. So I'm really excited for you to see and just kind of experience how impactful coaching can be. I hope you love every second of it. All right, here you go. Hi. Where are you in the world?

[B]

I am South Central Penns, right outside of Gettysburg.

[A]

Cool. Oh, that's right. That's so cool.

[B]

Yeah, not too far from you. And yeah, Go Birds.

[C]

Go Birds.

[A]

I love it. Oh, my gosh. I said to my husband, I went home to make lunch, just a good old peanut butter and honey sandwich. And I was like, but like, what if they lose? And he was like, don't even speak of it. Don't even speak of it.

[B]

I'm like, okay, that would not be good because the town would definitely burn. And my daughter, who is a Penn graduate, has to go back for a little job fair tomorrow. So I told her, let's see what happens with the game the night before you go back into Philly tomorrow.

[A]

So smart. Very smart.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

How can I help you?

[B]

Okay, well, where do I begin? Let's see. Two and a half month listener, first time caller. Let's see.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I always feel like I always got to preface this with everybody because it's like some of the things that I say might not come through well. And let me just say, I do not want to hurt myself or anybody else. Nothing like that. I've just said from time to time with the way I'm feeling and Everything that's been going on, if I would happen to fall into a coma for six months, I'd be okay with that right now, just because I need time for the voices and everything just to stop. It's something I've dealt with obviously my entire life, not really knowing what it was until about maybe five, seven years ago, actually, when my daughter started going to Penn. Did we realize that? Oh, wait, there, there's, there's a connection here. Even though I didn't see it because I did not understand that her ADHD is not my adhd, as my ADHD is not my son's or my mother's. But don't tell my mother that. I mean, she's gone. Rest in peace. But I did try telling her that once that, that, that I got it from her, but she's old school German, so she was like, you know, that's just ridiculous. You guys are lazy. Stop this, get to work, do something, stop being lazy, whatever. Yeah, but you know, that, that is what it is for me right now. It's, it's really tough because I'm just in this vicious circle of the adhd, anxiety, depression, one feeds into the other and I, Everything is just unbearable for me. And I get overwhelmed very easily because it's amazing. Especially when you're on Insta or whatever and you start, you know, looking up ADHD stuff and then you see, you know, yourself and everybody else pop in and there's so many out there that you like, okay, is this legit? Is this not legit? Is this app good? Is this app crap? You know, and again, I just shut down. In fact, even, even with your program, I'm going to be the first to admit, even though you even have a thing that says on the website that says start here, I still can't get myself to do it. And it's so miserable because I can't, I can't look at the workbook. I don't, you know, there's, I just feel so overwhelmed, I don't know where to go. And I think for the most part, because again, this has costed me relationships, you know, whether it was my first wife, you know, friends, jobs. Most recently, you know, I lost my job in, back in January because of this. Because every, everywhere I go, everywhere I'm around, this is still not considered a real thing. You know, I still got people that, you know, my own doctor, I mean, I can get, I can get him to prescribe me meds and everything, but it's just like whatever I want. He' Give Me, period. So there's no way to, like, okay, let's. Let's test levels here and everything else, because on top of that, I'm diabetic. So it's like I got all those meds and blood pressure and, yeah, the list goes on and on. So I'm just, you know, I can't find. I can't find a counselor that's worth a pot to pee in around here. It's. It's just so. It's so miserable. And I've been spending so much time, you know, helping my daughter through it all and everything, because ironically, when she got to, when she got the pen, you know, and said, you know, hey, I'm adhd, they said, well, you got an official diagnosis? Well, around here, the only thing we could do is the old Tova test, which nobody, Nobody, you know, regards that as legit. So she had to go to that neurology something in Philly where they gave her the. At, you know, the actual diagnosis so she could get accommodations there, which was really good for her.

[A]

Great.

[B]

You know, so. But then it's like. But for my, for my baby girl, it's like the adhd. Then she had an ovarian torsion two years in a row. So her endometriosis, or pcos, you know, it's like, okay, I feel. I feel almost. I feel almost bad thinking that, hey, I gotta do stuff for me. When I look at her and think, hey, she's her, her body is attacking her on a daily basis. So it's like, I gotta just kind of, again, going back to my mom, tough it up and just try to figure things out. But unfortunately, that's not gonna do it because I'm so stuck right now. I don't know what to do with myself. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Have I mentioned I hate it?

[A]

I'm just holding all of this, and I just want you to know, like, you are so not alone in this. I think that you're putting language to so many of our ADHD experiences, especially in certain seasons of life. And it just. It feels to me like so many things are pulling for your attention and your daughter, your own health, your fine, your job situation, all of it. It just. It feels like too much. I just want to validate that for you. It feels like too much.

[B]

Definitely. Definitely.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I guess, you know, again, like I said, you know, trying just to find. Trying to find somebody that I can talk to. I, I, I had one guy a few Years back that I was going really well with in York. And unfortunately, the practice closed down out of nowhere because the guy who owned it passed away, but had no. There was no will. There was nothing in place. So the only thing with that guy is, even though he had adhd, my mom, my mom, my wife thought that he wanted to be more of a buddy than a counselor because he loved hearing me talk. Because if you haven't noticed, I will talk and I will go on.

[A]

Yes. And you're very entertaining. So I think I can understand if someone doesn't have good boundaries or, you know, with their. With their counseling. Okay, let me just pause you. You've described really difficult situation and something I think a lot of people experience, which is just like, I have no intention of harming myself, but I wish I could press the pause button and just stop everything for, you know, like, recover. Have six months to, like, think and. Or not think and like, have a break. Here's my question for you. I. Can you just take me through what supports do you currently have in place so I know you're in focus? I'm so glad you're here. Are you currently medicated for adhd?

[B]

I started up on. On Live Ants earlier this week. Again, I. I've. I've been hoarding all this medication. I have it, you know, because I get to a point, the biggest problem I have too, some of the medication I get, the side effects are horrible. Like, my jaw is in so much pain because I grind my teeth so much at night from it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it gets a little. It gets a little crazy. But I did have an actual checkup here for my A1C and all that with the doc. And he actually now he put me on, you know, some Prozac to help me because he's more concerned about my depression than anything else right now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which is where he always goes with it because again, not a big ADHD believer. I mean, he doesn't. He doesn't. He refuses even to say ADHD. He's still old school, 80D, you know, and just.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So.

[A]

So you are currently.

[B]

I just started back this week. As far as other support, the best thing I can say honestly is the only thing that probably still has me here and moving is my wife of almost 25 years now, because with her having to deal with my daughter and myself and even my son, who's from my previous marriage, she has done all this research and she goes through it because she, she can read. You know, I'm the type that I can't read because by the time I'm to the third sentence, I forgot what I read in the first. So she does all that and she's, she's the one that knows how to talk to us. She knows, you know where we're at on a certain day. So she knows. Okay, I can come at you this way or I got to come at you this way. And she's just, she's the greatest and amazing.

[A]

God bless. God bless all of the partners that are the interpreters for us.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, right? So that's beautiful. And like I said.

[A]

Okay, so we have a doctor who is prescribing medications. We're starting up on Vyvanse again. You said that you would love to have a counselor. I have a recommendation for you. I don't know if you've seen it in the Focus Slack. I'm going to say it here to your face, but then I'm going to. I'll send. Are you, Are you in our slack or not? And if you're not, it's totally fine.

[B]

I. I think I set stuff up in the beginning. I don't know if I. I'm gonna.

[A]

Actually have my team email it to you so that you don't have to go through the rigmarole of like figuring out how to get into Slack.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

And I'm making a note of that now or I will forget. So, best friend here, sticky note.

[B]

Or you could just hold it up on a sign tonight at the game and hands around to you. I'll see it.

[A]

And I'll be like, that's amazing. That's so funny, Bob. Okay. Okay. So I do have a therapy practice recommendation. I had a woman on my podcast like a year, maybe two years ago. Her name is Danica Harris and she is an amazing counselor and she has a counseling practice called Empowered Healing. Dallas. Empowered Healing and then Dallas, Texas. And I have coordinated with her. I reached out to her and I said, hey, you know, I'm recommending therapy all the time to my clients. And they're kind of looking at me like, okay, but like, where? How? And so I asked her like, do you have people in your practice that can work with people in different states? So she has a couple therapists in her practice who are psypact certified, meaning they are legally allowed to work in various states. I think there's 40 something states that are psypact, like in the psypact program. All of that to say that would probably be a great place to start. I actually did a training for their therapy practice. On how to work with ADHD clients. So they have a lot of, like, my input and information on how to have a great relationship with an ADHD client. So I'm going to give you that as a resource to you. Okay. That's not the point of our conversation necessarily, but I do agree with you that a solid counselor would probably be really helpful. Okay.

[B]

Absolutely. I mean, I'm a little. I'm a little off balance because you said Dallas, so hopefully.

[A]

I know, dude. I. Listen, I know we're not going to make any assumptions about them.

[B]

I'm trying not to.

[A]

Football loyalties try not to.

[B]

But I am. I am a very, very die hard. So it's tough. It is.

[A]

So, dude, I appreciate that so much. Okay. So, my dear, there's two more things that I want to touch on.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I want to touch briefly on your beautiful love for your daughter. She's so lucky to have you as her dad.

[B]

She's awesome.

[A]

She's so lucky to have a dad like you. To have someone who thinks that she's awesome, is supportive of her, understands her, and is really concerned about her.

[B]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I just have to say, I mean, when. When we went through this with the. With the ovarian torsion, I happened to be home. Work. I was working from home at the time, and she was in the bathroom when she collapsed. And I. It's weird because one of my supposed ADHD powers is, you know, I'm always good with. In times of, you know, stress and everything, I put the cape on and I'm off, you know, and I'm doing things. But that was the first time in my life that I actually sat there for like a split second and I'm like, I don't know what to do.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't know what to do. I can't even. I can't even think, you know, and it was like, oh, my God, the worst.

[A]

Honey.

[B]

Anyway, sorry.

[A]

Oh, I'm glad you shared that. I just. I want to affirm your dedication to her and I want to encourage you to maybe just in this season, really work on thinking of yourself first.

[B]

I think that's where I'm at right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, because like I said, she's. She graduated. She's moving on to.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, dealing with law school and all that stuff now and everything.

[A]

That sounds incredible. What an accomplished woman.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. I can't even begin to tell you because here. Here's a girl that literally was a 5.0 throughout high school. And then was basically giving, given the choice of the Ivy League school of her choice. Oh, ride. Which was dang, what the heck?

[A]

That's your kid, Bob. I know, I know your kid.

[B]

And I did. And I, I even had it tested to find out for sure because I was like, there's no way. There's no way. But honestly, her, her mom's, her mom's very bright as well.

[A]

Oh, my gosh, it's so funny. Okay, here, here is your work. I believe that your work is letting her go and putting yourself first. Okay. She's letting herself go. She's go. She's living her life. She's doing great. Internally, in your own mind and soul, I want you to daily, minute by minute, let her go. And, and put yourself first because you are in a very defeating cycle of the adhd, anxiety, depression, add, you know, all of that together. And you are the one who is in need of your attention right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How does that feel for you?

[B]

Yeah, I know it. I had to hear it. So, so thanks, I appreciate it.

[A]

I think it's going to be hard because it is a lot easier to focus on the people that we love than to really turn our attention to ourselves. Especially if you come from a family that was a suck it up, buttercup family.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which you did. Right. And so anytime you prioritize yourself, look at your own needs and really are vulnerable and honest with yourself, it will probably feel super uncomfy because that's like, you know, in the words of our parents, generation selfish, self centered, narcissistic, you know, you're, you're being selfish when in actuality, like, you deserve to focus on you and to figure out what's going on for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so I'm, I'm kind of wanting to, like, warn you that it will be really uncomfortable to focus on yourself. Which is probably why we focus on daughter so much.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Because so much easier. Right.

[B]

I even thought about it for, you know, the past eight months now, where I'm sitting here thinking, okay, well, for whatever reason, I don't know why it's a misprint, but on my driver's license it says I'm in my mid-50s. But I just sit there and I think to myself, you know, is it too late for me? Am I really, am I a lost cause at this point? Because how, how do you, how do you teach an old dog new tricks? You know, and it's just like, like I said, it's just, it's tough because being this age, getting back to Work's going to be a struggle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, because obviously, even though it's illegal, you know, for age discrimination, it's out there. You know, it is. So it's like, how do I try to talk people into understanding that, hey, I'm, I'm here for the long haul, as long as I can be here. And, you know, I am, I'm great at what I do. I really am. But I, I think if anything, and, and this was before knowing about ADHD for myself was all my write ups were any kind of critique that I've got was that I do not delegate well, which makes sense because guess what? Nobody can do it better than me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was, you know, and I didn't realize that until I, you know, for the longest time. And it's like, wow, learning to let things go and giving, giving it to somebody, you know, that's even, even with my wife. She'll, she'll sit there and she's just like, she's like, let me help you. And I get all antsy and I start to shake and everything. Because, honey, not that I'm like a hoarder, but I got like a whole life in. Inside my garage right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That, you know, we could barely walk through. And she's just like, let me help you with this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a lot of times I want to, but then I'll see one little thing make it out to the garbage, and I'm like, no, not that. I might need that in 30 years. Come on.

[A]

Oh, honey. Okay, let me speak to something here. I want to be very clear. I'm giving you the mom eyes even though you're older than me. Ready? It's not too late for you. I'm gonna say it, I'm say it a couple times. It's not too late for you. Mid 50s. Get out of here. You got so much more life to live. And what neuroscience tells us is that your brain is willing to change from the cradle to the grave. Not necessarily. We're, you know, we're not going to cure adhd. We're not going to make all the problems go away. But there is hope for you to make improvements. There is hope with the right support for you to feel less overwhelmed, to get a job that you're really good at, to deepen your connections and your, your relationships with the people that you love. There's so much hope for that. I want to paint you a picture that, like, the future is bright. It is not too late. And you might need to borrow these words you might need to clip this and just listen to it over and over. It is not too late. It's not too late. It's not too late. You're not that old of a dog. You know what I'm saying? We can teach you plenty of new tricks now. If you keep doing the same things, nothing will change. So that's where I want to talk about making sure we connect you with a good counselor. Making sure that if the vyvanse that you started taking isn't a good fit, that you figure out, like, okay, what could be a good fit here? And then whatever it looks like for you. And this is probably a great thing to bring to the community in Slack, and it's a great thing to talk about with your counselor. What does it look like for me to prioritize myself, my own health above other people's right now so that I can get into a good place, so that I can have more to give to the people that I love? Okay. Received.

[B]

That's me. Makes my ears hot right now. Oh, my gosh. Okay.

[A]

It's hard to receive the good, isn't it?

[B]

It is.

[A]

It's a lot easier for us ADHD years to hear like, hey, you messed up on this. Hey, I'm unhappy. You're just like, y. Yep, that's par for the course. That's. I'm used to hearing that when somebody looks you in the face and is like, you have so much potential in a. In a way that's like, don't wait. Not in a way that's like, don't waste your potential, but, like, no, I see a bright future for you. It's common. You're on the right path. Keep going. I really, really want you to know that.

[B]

I hope.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Last thing I want to chat about.

[B]

Real quick, just in case I get cut off from you for whatever reason.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If we are, you know, on this podcast together and we're doing this thing, please, people, like and subscribe. We appreciate it. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna clip that. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

All right, what's my last thing?

[A]

Okay, last thing. My. I think it's. I don't think. I know it's completely normal to come into a program, like, focused and feel overwhelmed and, like, I don't even know what to do with this. My question for you is, what is the easiest point of entry for you? Because we have lots of options. We have the coaching calls live. Like, you are with me right now. We have the recordings that you can access on your phone or in the portal, we have workbooks, we have the Slack community. What feels easiest.

[B]

That is.

[A]

Or does it all feel hard because.

[B]

Because you would think. You would think any of it's really easy.

[C]

You do.

[B]

Your program is really friendly. User friendly.

[A]

Yes. But here's the thing. When you are in a season of overwhelm, anything can tip the scale and be too much.

[B]

Yeah. And. And again, my wife tries to help me. I mean, she. She went. Went through. We went through everything that was available through this and she printed everything up for me and color coded it.

[A]

What a woman.

[B]

So it's like I got everything here, but as well, you can't see. But it's still blank because. Come on, pen the paper. Do something. And then I just sit here and next thing I know, it's the end of the day and I'm starting over again. Time blindness is the worst for me. Because here's the thing, though.

[A]

Here's the thing. You've been to live calls two days in a row. Do live calls feel easiest?

[B]

I do. I. I do. I like them because it's okay. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so how about for a month we take the pressure off of having other things to do and we just say I'm. I'm going with the path of least resistance. I enjoy the live calls. It's not hard for me to do that. So that's what I'm going to do.

[B]

Easy. Got that?

[A]

Okay. What if I say you're not allowed to do a workbook or feel any pressure about a workbook for one month? How does that feel for you?

[B]

It. Feel it. It feels good, but it also feels it. It feels like a loss. It feels like I'm taking a loss because I haven't.

[A]

Let's pull the group. There's 34 people here, friends, who have. You have actually done workbooks? And who of you don't. Don't ever look at workbooks. So Blaze said I looked at a workbook once. Blaze, how long have you been here? Tamara's been with me for five years. She's never completed a workbook. Maggie said I once held one and flipped through the pages. Connor says I've never touched a workbook and I've been here three months. Hold on. Heather says it's in the middle of my to do list. Courtney says never completed a workbook. Blaze said I've been here a year and a half. Monica says barely. I always want to, but I never get to it. Dominique says never. Liz said I looked at one once or twice. Felicity, I've been Here three years and I've never gotten even close to three one and I don't even bother to look at them anymore. Matt said, I ordered and printed one. It's still in the envelope.

[C]

Hold on.

[A]

I ordered a printed one. So he ordered one off the website. It gets sent to you. It's still in the envelope, y'. All. It doesn't matter. Workbooks are not the pathway. Some people listen, some people are workbook nerds. That's why the workbooks are there. They're for the workbook nerds. I was a workbook nerd, so I wanted to produce workbooks for people who are workbook nerds. But don't use the resources here to hold them over your head and beat yourself up with. I do not consent to you using my work to beat yourself up with work. You're not even allowed to do workbooks, Bob.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Workbooks aren't for you. Jung says, okay, I'm a workbook nerd. The thing is, what if you just utilize the live calls in this season of unemployment? Once you're out of the season of unemployment, it's not. Live calls are not going to be accessible to you. So we'll have to figure out. You'll either do like replays or the workbooks or you'll move on from the program. No problem. But I just want you to know that, like, you gotta take the path of least resistance and don't beat yourself up and tell yourself it's not enough. You've been to calls two days in a row. You're showing up. So what I want you to do is just show up to the calls when you're able to and use this as the time to change your life. This right here, this is the time to change your life. Maybe that means that you're asking questions in the chat. Maybe it means that you're stressing, sharing and being a little vulnerable with the people that are here. Maybe it means that you're just like really trying to immerse yourself in the coaching that I'm doing. Okay, but no workbooks for you. You're doing it right.

[B]

Okay, no workbooks.

[A]

And you can just tell your wife, listen, I love that you printed this. She would probably do a workbook. Am I right?

[B]

Yes, absolutely.

[A]

I mean, she had like sticky tabs, like color coded. Bless her.

[B]

That's her. She's uber organized. I mean, she's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Single handedly saving St. Matthew's Lutheran Church in York right now.

[A]

Bless her. Okay, so just because that would have been her path if this Was something that she was participating in it. It's not going to be your path, and we already know that. Like, you and your wife are so different, so you're not going to be taking the same paths. So when she's like, how's focus going? You can say, I'm really learning a lot from the calls. It's the best. Or if it's the worst. Like, whatever you think. But what I'm saying is, it doesn't have to be about workbooks and completing assignments that feels like school.

[B]

Yeah, that's gross. The first time around.

[A]

No, that's. No, I really.

[C]

Go ahead.

[A]

Someone's telling. Dominique says focus taught me to lean into the path of least resistance, and it has changed my life. And I just want to really validate that the path of least resistance is still a good path.

[B]

My daughter just popped in, and she's like, I'm finally glad somebody's telling him to take care of himself first.

[A]

Oh, hello, daughter. We love you. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. And we love your dad, too. All right, I'm gonna send you on your way with a big heart. And go birds.

[B]

Go birds.

[A]

Go birds.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I just. I do really implore you to prioritize yourself. Okay. And then also within the focus program, take the path of least resistance. It will change your life.

[C]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

All right, sending you back.

[B]

Bye, everyone.

[A]

See ya.

[C]

Here I am. Okay. Hi, Christine.

[A]

How are you? Thank you.

[C]

So good to see you.

[A]

Good to see you, too. It's been a minute. I just love seeing your smiling face.

[C]

Oh, I'm happy to be here. And I like your shirt. I just typed in, this is Philadelphia Eagle.

[A]

Right?

[C]

You're talking about. Okay. Because I live in another continent in Germany. And I'm like, okay, is it football? What is it? I saw Arizona Cardinals. I'm like, no, that's not it. She's from Philadelphia, so. Okay, I got it.

[A]

You should Google go birds and see what comes up next time.

[C]

It's okay.

[A]

I love it. All right. How can I help you today, lady?

[C]

Okay, I want to talk about relationship at workplace today. Maybe the theme may be formal fear of missing out. Safe and unsafe people, actually. So I've been keeping myself very busy, so I think I might need to give you a little background. What has been happening? What's changing in my heart right now? So I started working as a music teacher in gymnasium. That's like school for 5th to 13th grade in Germany. I love my job. I am so thankful. What I have, yeah. And I really like being there serving the students. But I realized what makes it difficult, most challenging for me is not the workload, but it's needs dealing with people. I think really the relationship is in our lives. Most difficult thing doesn't matter where your family, workplace friendship. And I'm realizing. So I just want to just tell you what has been happening. So when I started working there was a co worker who started with me, his end of 20s. We got along really well. And already at the workplace there was an elderly woman, so she's in end of her 50s, an elderly teacher man, beginning of 60s who will be retiring probably in two, three years. And in the beginning I was a little bit careful because I was new. And when I was hired, the principal, he had a wish. I said, I really want to have a school choir, can you do that? I said I try and I have been very successful, which I'm very thankful. I have now two school choirs and then so for the younger children and also for the like the junior seniors, we sing together with teachers. So I mean in the beginning he was a little bit not convinced me not being German trained teacher. But now he's convinced that he's really behind me. I'm really happy about that and what happened? So I thought, oh, how can I make sure the choir stays successful? I thought, oh, I won't have a retreat. So I thought but we need money for that. So I was looking around the town, who can I ask money for? I applied for this money. I got it. I was so thankful. And I like yes, we can have a retreat. The students don't have to pay as much. And I mentioned that in the three years of my co workers and they were furious. I said why did you not tell us? You cannot do that. You're not supposed to ask for money. If you ask money every time, school has nothing to do. This is the job of a principal to find your money. I was like, okay. I was totally like confused. I mean, why shouldn't I ask for money outside when I see that I need it? But at the beginning, okay, I'm new here, keep my mouth shut, continue working. And then it happened also last year. So one of the elderly colleague, the woman, she had her wind down scrub band which has not been very successful. She's been having hard time because not many children who want to learn to play an instrument use exact band program in the States. So whenever I see her, she often complains that the principal does not support the band program and so on which I Don't quite agree because I think reasons, because the kids, they don't want to be part of it. And you cannot say, this is a responsibility of the principal. I say, okay, okay, But I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to get in conflict. And then last year, my husband was kind of sick. Yeah. He had an operation. And at the home, it was difficult situation. And I wanted to have something where I can really have a success. And I thought about, oh, maybe we can sponsor a school concert. Yeah. Involving not only the choir and band, but every student. So, I mean, in my class, so that the parents get to see what we are doing in music class. So I had the idea and I presented. And this one colleague, she was completely against it. And her reason was, it's too much work. I don't want to do that. I said, it's okay. If you don't want to do it, then only colleagues who want to do it can take part of it. She said. She says, because if you do it, and if I don't participate, then my students will ask, why are we not doing that? Ms. Kopish, her class is doing it. I don't want to do with that. I said, yeah, okay, but if you're too busy, then you said, you don't have time for it. What is a big problem? And then it turned out at the end, so we had. She ends up being part of it. And she put a lot of work into it, which I was glad. But what happened? I said, yeah, There are about 10 classes, so we need to really limit that limited time. Maybe every class, five minutes. Yeah. So that we get through within one hour. Well, her class took 20 minutes of the time. And I thought to myself, wait a minute. In the beginning, she was against what she's doing. Yeah. What we are doing. And now she takes 20 minutes, four times as much. I'm like, what is going on? And when I mentioned to all of them, it's very important for me to have this concert because I want to encourage the student that I need something where I can have success. Yeah. Because my husband being sick. And her comment was, well, I raised my children alone, three of them. And I thought, what?

[A]

What is this?

[C]

Yeah. So it was very invalidating. And I was like, really angry about her response. I told her, you know, I understand you had a difficult time being a single mother. Yeah. But I don't want to be compared. Your situation is, for you, difficult. I have right now my issue. Yeah. And this year it's like, what happened is that I Have two colleagues who've been very supportive of what I'm doing in the choir and all that. And one of them unfortunately left the school and the other one, he just got a baby. So I feel like now my team, my allies, I can.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And this feels a little bit. I. I'm pretty sad about it, honestly. And of course I want to be informed what's going on in my. In the music business. Yeah. In the school. And then sometimes I do see my two. This elderly colleague and I see them. So sometimes I'm curious what they're talking about, but whenever I stop that go by when they're talking, they're often complaining. They are often complaining about school, the principal, what they don't like. And I'm like, same thing. Well, I want to be part here, what they hear, but I don't want to be part of their complaining because. And I don't know, I don't think they realize. Yeah. But. So at the same time, you know, I want to be there, but at the same time I want to protect myself from them complaining all the time. So I'm just trying to make sense out of all this. Where am I and how can I deal with these colleagues who's always blah, blah, complain? It seems like.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So, yeah, that's what.

[A]

I'm so glad you shared this. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And I wonder, I wonder how many people are going to relate to this because I agree with you that like, relationships are the hardest part or one of the hardest parts of having adhd. And in the workplace it's complicated because you do interact with these people, you know, throughout the day, every day. But also they're not your friends. And so it's like, it's really difficult to navigate. Okay. Are you. It sounds like you're asking and I just want to like, put it into words and see if this is what you're asking and if not, you can correct me. It sounds like you're asking how do I just exist here and do what I want to do.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Without letting them kind of take over my mood or my like, vibe. Yes, yes.

[C]

That's what it is. Yeah. I mean, I have to deal with them because next year we. Our school is 80 year anniversary, which means you have to put a concert together. And I don't mind doing musical work, but they are often very not content. Yeah. They are just not happy people. And it does have influence. And interestingly I have to say, I am very well received in school. The students I get on very well, yeah. And for instance, my female colleague actually kids don't like them. Kids don't like her actually. I mean they come.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why can you not teach our class? I won't have you instead. I mean, I heard it so many times and I think I also. This woman is bit jealous of this I'm having. I think that's also part. I hate to admit it, but I think that's part of it.

[A]

I mean, I think that's really, it's important for you to admit. That's actually a very important admission is very important because it gives you insight into what's happening and it allows you to understand and then set up protections for yourself.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So if you can see clearly they're unhappy. They want to blame that on me or the principal, but they don't want to take responsibility and make changes on their own. Their kids don't really like their classes and they there I definitely agree that they're jealous of you and they don't want you to succeed too much.

[C]

Exactly. And that really actually burned me down. I mean, when I hear some colleague, I got a funding for €3,000. Oh, great. Happy for you. Yeah. But they couldn't tell me once, oh, good for you. It's like, why did you do that? You are not supposed to do that. I'm like, well, where am I here? Yeah. And, and nobody else in school responded like that except them. And they are my colleagues supposed to be working together. And I thought something is really wrong here. I thought to myself, you know, I.

[A]

Agree with you, something is really wrong. Oh, and it's their attitude. It's really wrong. So I. This is all your sweet face.

[C]

Yeah, it's okay. I mean, yeah, it's just I sometimes think, did I do something? Okay, informed that. But it's not a response you even give your colleague. You know, I thought to myself, you.

[A]

Know, anyway, okay, let me just do a check in with you. Is your principal happy with the work that you're doing?

[C]

Oh, he's, he's, he's, he's excited about it. I mean everything he gave me so order and sounds funny. I always fulfill it. You know, he said, oh great, I would like to have a school concert. I said, okay, let me think about it. And I made this thing. And then the, ah, yeah, the. They're always using us, the music teachers to present for the school. I'm like, well, I mean, but that's part of being a music teacher you have. Because you present. I mean that's part of it. Why do you say that he's using us. And I, I just didn't like this attitude, you know, I was, I agree with you.

[A]

I agree with you. Okay? So here's what we're going to do, okay? You and me, we're going to firm up and get clear on what's happening, okay? That, that's the, that's what's going to be useful to you in this conversation is clarity.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

So here are a couple things. If you were doing something wrong, your principal would come to you and say, hey, Heejung, you overstepped. You did something wrong. Your principal would tell you that we're not going to gauge whether or not we're doing something wrong based on the attitude of toxic people.

[C]

Toxic? You think this is toxic?

[A]

Yes. Okay.

[C]

I, I, I thought so, but I didn't want to say it.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. And some people struggle with the word toxic. We could use other words. We could use unhealthy. We could use unsafe. We could use inappropriate. Yeah, okay, but this is, Maggie says your co workers are mean girls. And like, that's, that's what it is, right? So, like, that's not healthy behavior. That's not healthy interaction. That's not, that is not a co working relationship. That's actually Heejong. Stay small. Don't make too much of yourself or your classes. Yeah, don't, don't hold yourself to a high standard, because then I'm going to be having to hold myself to a high standard. I don't want to do that. Don't be too good of a teacher, because then the classes will like you better than they like me. Don't make the principal proud because then he's gonna, like, want more concerts, and I don't want to do more. Like, it's all of that. That's not, that's not safe collaborative behavior. Okay? So at work, we're not looking for people to be our friends. It's not, of course, it's not that. But we are looking for collaborative relationships. Does that word translate for you? Yes.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Just making sure. And so these are not collaborative relationships.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You know, this is interesting. So I have now 10th grade, and then in our German curriculum, 10th grade, they even if it's possible to take them to opera, which is, of course, more work for me to arrange. But I thought, this is important. These kids in the countryside, they never maybe have a chance to go to opera. So I arranged. And last year asked a colleague, hey, I'm going to opera. You know, do you want to also join me? And basically, there's no, I don't have time. And I found that he talked behind my colleagues back. Oh, the opera he wants to take. This is not a good opera. And I thought to myself, if he doesn't have time to go, say, I don't have time. Why does he talk badly about that? This is not appropriate. I thought this was totally appropriate. So this. This year, I did not even come from. I asked him, I said, I don't know what he's doing. I'm taking my class. End of discussion for you.

[A]

That's the kind of energy we're looking for. Okay, More of that. Not that you're going to be rude, not that you're going to be disrespectful. Not that you will not be collaborative, because when you need to be collaborative, you will. But we are not looking to these co workers to measure your success, to measure whether or not you're doing a good job. To measure whether or not your choices are appropriate. Because they suck. All right? And we don't let people who suck hold the standard for our success. We can stitch that on a pillow. We don't let people who suck measure our standard of success. It's just not. That's not something we're going to do. So the clarity that I want to give you is like, you're not wrong. If you were in the wrong, your principal would come and tell you, that's how we measure whether or not you're wrong. Right. And so if your principal were to come to you and say, hey, this isn't okay, then of course, then that's something you need to work on. But that hasn't happened. Your principal is thrilled with your work.

[C]

Please. I'm very thankful. Yes.

[A]

And it's because you're doing a great job. I'm going to grab my whiteboard because this I just want to illustrate. And it's not. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna draw a very simple Venn diagram. And because I am not an artist, I'm nervous to draw two circles. Okay. Here's you. Here are your co workers.

[C]

Yes. Okay.

[A]

There is a tiny sliver in the middle where you do have to overlap.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Just the nature of your work.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

I want you to, after this call, sit with a Venn diagram like this and figure out what's yours, what's theirs, their attitudes, their perceptions, their own decisions. They're talking about, like, all. All that's theirs. Like, write it. Okay. And then make note and get really clear on the few things that overlap.

[C]

Okay, there.

[A]

There's a couple things that are going to overlap. So maybe it's. We have to plan the spring concert together. I'm just making things up, but let's just pretend, okay, something like that. That. That is something that's going to overlap. You can't help that. But there's a lot that's just yours that I don't want them to be involved. Like, I. I want. I don't want them to be in your brain about out. I want you to quiet the brain chatter on the things that are just yours. We're not going to worry about them anymore. Now, this is going to take some practice because your brain, of course, rightfully is like, I don't want anybody to be mad at me. I don't want anybody to. Enough with that. They're going to be mad. They're unhappy. They're always mad. They're just always annoyed. But they're not very nice. Here's the thing that I realized about myself was that I was so concerned with people liking me, even people that I didn't like.

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I can. Yeah. Yeah, Right?

[A]

And so that's something that I had to work on really hard. And I encourage you to work on, too. I don't like it when people don't like me. But, like, I don't even like these people. They're not even nice. They're not even. They're not kind. They're not consistently collaborative. They're not even good co workers. So I'm going to work with my body to just tolerate them not liking me. Now, when my husband doesn't like me, that's a problem for me. When my friends don't like me, when my principal doesn't like me. These are things that we need to work on, right? Those are things like, okay, something's going on here. But like, these co workers, they're not even nice. So we're just not going to worry about. They're. They're. They're just. They're not collaborative. They're not kind of. Yeah. And Dominique says it's probably a good sign if shitty people don't like you.

[C]

Love it.

[A]

Like, you're probably doing something right. Hijeong and your students and your principal can attest to that. They're happy. Okay? So your job is to get clear, is to gain clarity here. Okay? What's yours to worry about? So this is your thoughts, your feelings, your specific jobs within your teaching practice. The opera, the one concert that's yours, all of that. This is all in your jurisdiction. What's in your coworker's jurisdiction that you're just. You're going to make a very clear effort to not worry about because it's in their circle and this is not the part that overlaps with yours. And then what are the few things here where there is overlap?

[C]

I have a question. This is interesting. Yeah. Tolerate them. Them not liking me. So just happened one small instance. So end of the month, there is a very important activity that we have to present. Yeah. So there my choir is saying, and then this like band, they will be also playing. And it turns out there's one fifth grader, she wants to be in choir. Uhhuh. And then, and then. But she also plays like flute. And then my colleague found out, oh, wait a minute, she went to your choir. I'm like, oh, I didn't want any competition. And she asked me, yeah, but I really need her because we have such a few people. Can she please come to we on this one, this day? I said, sure, sure, sure. Because I didn't want to have any conflict. And afterward I thought about, wait a minute. But I do need her too. I mean, she needs at least come to the last rehearsal. I cannot let her just go to the whole time. I said, ah. Why did he say, okay, okay, sure, you can take her? Yeah. So that's often the response because I don't want to make her upset, you know, I say, sure, you can take her. I'm like, But I thought to myself afterward, no, actually, I mean, maybe you have to share half and half. But actually she's in my choir because she signed up for the choir, not for the band, supposedly. And, and things like that. You know, it's like when I don't want to have a frontal collision. But it's little bit. It's difficult because a kid, he. She chose where to be and it, I mean, I feel a little bit sad for my colleague, but yeah, okay. In a situation like that, often I'm so used to just, oh, sure, sure, take that. No problem. Yeah.

[A]

And you named why?

[C]

I did.

[A]

You did name it? Yeah. Why are you so quick to say sure, sure. Sit with that for a second. Why are you so quick to do that?

[C]

I don't want to have any conflict with my.

[A]

Why?

[C]

It's unpleasant. It's. I'm. I want to leave. I mean, I've been in school much shorter. I want to be in a good terms with people.

[A]

Yeah, right. But how are we going to be on good terms with very unreasonable, unhappy people?

[C]

You cannot actually.

[A]

Unless you say yes to everything. And even then, they're talking about you behind your back.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So this is another. This is another part where it's like your first piece of work is to just notice how fast you are to say yes. Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat yourself up. It's a. It's a full body response and it's protective.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

And I'm gonna say something just real quick. It was probably learned decades ago.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

To keep you safe in certain relationships when you were little and you needed to be safe, and the only way to be safe was to comply. Yeah.

[C]

I think we are right. Yes.

[A]

Yes. But now you are a full grown woman. And so it's this practice, and I've had to do it myself. It does take a lot of practice, but it's the practice of overriding the little self that says, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, no problem. Overriding her and letting grown self come in and say, let me just sit with this for a second. Let me think about that for just a second. And then with your grown logical brain, okay, does this actually work for me? Does this actually make sense? Because as soon as you said yes and that person left, your logical brain took over and you were like, wait a second. This doesn't make any sense. Right. And that probably happens every time. And I have done this a million bajillion times as well. So this is not. This is not just a hijung thing. This is an all of us thing. But it's. It's. It's about first noticing it and self soothing and then going back and saying, hey, remember how I said that was fine? I actually said that really impulsively. It's actually not fine. Actually, we actually need to, like, discuss, because this isn't going to work because she actually signed up for my class, not your class. So how can we. How can we navigate this? The. The trouble is that you're dealing with unhappy, unreasonable people, and what you want to do is keep the peace. And literally the only way to keep the peace is to say yes to everything they want. And so you have to decide, am I willing to say yes to everything they want? Right, Right. That's the. That's literally the only way that they're going to be cool is if you're just like, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yes, of course. Right? Here's something that you said. You said, I don't want to have conflict because it's unpleasant. And I totally agree. My stomach is churning just thinking about it. But do you. Do you know what is also unpleasant? It's unpleasant to have your boundaries crossed. It's unpleasant to have a student have to negotiate two groups that maybe that student doesn't even want to play in the band.

[C]

It's.

[A]

It's unpleasant.

[C]

Oh, gosh. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Dominique says all you got to do is sacrifice yourself and your values and your sanity. That's all you have to do in order to, to keep the peace. Right. Just sacrifice yourself. Sacrifice what you think is best about your program. Sacrifice, probably sacrifice the students. Right. Or we say, wait a second here. No, I know what's best for, for me and for my students. I'm a grown up here. I'm going to let them have their unpleasant response. It's not mine to manage for them. That is a very evolved perspective. So that's going to take some work. That's going to take some work. But that's the end goal. Right? The end goal is this is not mine to manage. This is not my discomfort to manage. This is her discomfort to manage. All right, I've said a lot of words. What are your thoughts?

[C]

Yeah, you know, it makes sense. I see this relationship. It's not just right now, the current situation, but it's really also with our childhood, how we brought up, you know, how we are trained. Yeah. And interesting. I mean, I'm an adult woman. I'm 50 years old. Yeah. But still, in a situation like that, my little self, my inner child of five, six years is coming out. That's what I'm seeing, actually. Yeah. And that's such an important.

[A]

Just pause there. Just really pause there for a sec. That's so important. That's so important for you to just recognize, oh, this is six year old Heejung. And listen, she needs to be protected. That six year old version of you. She needs to be protecting, soothed. She needs to be like, hey, like she needs to know that you've got her back and that you're not going to let anything bad happen to her. Right. But knowing who's showing up in the moment, is this grown up me or is this little me? I know you've been working on finding a therapist. Is that still happening? Yeah. These are the things that you will be discussing with your therapist.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I called and I'm waiting, but it's. I'm making progress.

[A]

Good. I'm so proud of you. I can tell you're making progress. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

[C]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. No one Thing I'm taking for sure. I mean, now I thought, ah, do I have to make small talk with them? And I realized, no, actually, I don't need to make any small talk.

[A]

They're unpleasant. They're unpleasant. We don't. Why? Why? No. They're not nice. They're not kind. No. So I want you again, when we're done here, I want you to really sit with that Venn diagram. What's mine to manage, what's theirs to manage. Where do we overlap? And the overlap should be very few things, like actual in your job description, overlap, God forbid. Small talk. Dr. Ali says, not with them. I love it. All right. I'm gonna let you go. You've.

[C]

Thank you so much, Christine. That helped me a lot.

[A]

Good work. I'm really proud of you.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. All right. Sending you back, honey. All right. All right. My friends, I really hope that you enjoyed that coaching session. I hope that it gave you just insight into what it's like to be coached. And also I really want you to feel hope for your future. Just like I was talking to Bob, that, like, it's never too late for you to make change. It's never too late for you to improve, to evolve, to become more of who you want to be. So I just wanted to leave you with that encouragement today. If you are interested in being coached by me or joining our, our focus community of hundreds of adults with ADHD from all over the world, go to ihaveadhd.com focused. Of course, the link will be, you know, right there for you in the show notes too. Okay. I can't wait to see you next week. Bye. Bye.