Podcast Summary
I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode 336: Why the Bare Minimum Might Be Your Biggest Win Yet
Date: September 23, 2025
Episode Overview
In this episode, Kristen Carder explores why acknowledging the bare minimum—doing just enough to get by or taking care of yourself in basic ways—can be a massive win for adults with ADHD. She candidly shares her own recent experience with overwhelm and models self-compassion by sharing an unpolished, real-time class recording from her Focused coaching community. Throughout, she coaches listeners to reframe traditional ideas of pride, accomplishment, and “winning,” challenging perfectionism and cultural shame around celebrating small (or “bare minimum”) wins.
Kristen and her community members deeply discuss the difficulty many ADHDers experience in feeling satisfaction, pride, or accomplishment—even for tasks that are objectively wins. The group unpacks personal, cultural, and family barriers to self-celebration, and Kristen provides actionable strategies for building a self-trust practice grounded in celebrating progress, not perfection.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The ADHD Struggle With Celebration and Satisfaction
- Difficulty Feeling Accomplished: Many with ADHD chronically under-celebrate or even actively downplay their achievements, feeling that they “should have done it faster,” or “anyone could have done that.”
- Internal Barriers:
- Perfectionism: The belief that anything less-than-perfect isn't worth celebrating.
- “Moving the Goalposts”: Never feeling finished enough to permit rest or pride.
- Fear of Negative Backlash: Worrying that indulging in satisfaction will bring disappointment or judgment.
- External Barriers:
- Family/cultural/religious messaging that pride is bad or dangerous (“Don’t get too big for your britches,” or “Pride comes before a fall”).
“So many of us, instead of celebrating ourselves, we beat ourselves up at that moment. We say, you should have done it faster. You should have done it sooner. You should have done it easier. Instead of just being like, I did the thing. I feel proud, I feel satisfied. I feel accomplished.”
—Kristen Carder [09:23]
2. Why Are ADHD Adults Bad at Celebrating Wins?
Kristen and community members identify several recurring reasons:
- Chronic Underachievement: Many grew up expecting underperformance, rarely receiving praise.
- Praise for Outcomes, Not Effort: Childhoods often rewarded final achievement only, not progress or effort.
- All-or-Nothing (Black/White) Thinking: The sense that you’re only allowed pride if you do something “perfectly.”
- Fear of Jealousy or Dismissal: Previous experiences of others shutting down their joy or labeling their pride as “vain” or “selfish.”
- Shame Spirals: Success triggers internal criticism instead of satisfaction.
- Upper Limit Problem: Being unused to positive self-feelings, so they’re rejected or self-sabotaged (citing “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks at [23:28]).
“We're just not used to, like, overperforming. We're used to underperforming. So it's just like we're actually used to doing things wrong, not right.”
—Kristen Carder [24:49]
3. Cultural and Family Messages About Pride
- Religious and Cultural Views: Many listeners share stories about being warned not to be prideful, especially within religious or family contexts. Kristen redefines pride for the group as internal satisfaction and self-trust, not as thinking yourself “better than” others.
- Reframing Pride: Not about comparing to others, but about attending to your own wins and effort.
“Can you feel a sense of pride in your accomplishment? I feel good about what I accomplished. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else.”
—Kristen Carder [36:47]
4. The Case for Celebrating "Bare Minimum" Wins
- Building Self-Trust: Noting and naming your wins, no matter how small, is fundamental to building trust with yourself as someone who follows through.
“Acknowledging your accomplishments…is actually really an important step in your self trust journey.”
—Kristen Carder [44:09]
- Balancing the “To-Do” and “Have-Done” Lists: Kristen encourages maintaining a “have-done” list for evidence against self-shame and for recognizing effort.
“You’re all carrying around the ball and chain of a to do list, but are you carrying around a have done list?”
—Kristen Carder [01:21:11]
5. The Practice of Emotional Regulation—With Positive Emotions, Too
- Surfing Positive Emotions: ADHDers often only associate “emotional regulation” with managing negative feelings, but it’s equally important to practice holding on to positive emotions like satisfaction, relief, or accomplishment without immediately dismissing them or anticipating loss.
- Somatic Practice: Listeners are guided to pause, breathe, and feel accomplishment in their bodies—even if the feeling is fleeting or difficult.
“Are you willing to actually experience positive emotion? Are you willing to actually, like, sit with yourself and say, what would it be like to feel accomplished? What would I have to think to feel accomplished?”
—Kristen Carder [58:30]
6. Finding Safe People to Celebrate With (and Setting Boundaries)
- Celebration Requires Safety: Not everyone can be trusted with your wins. Kristen urges listeners to find (at least) one "safe person," which might include community groups like Focused, to celebrate victories with.
- Reciprocal Celebration: Safe celebration also means giving—and being able to receive—uncomplicated affirmation.
“You need to at least have one who is one person in your life that can celebrate you without judgment and without jealousy... Do I count? Of course.”
—Kristen Carder [01:18:12]
7. Actionable Strategies for Celebrating Yourself
Kristen offers several concrete ideas:
- Daily Reminders: Set an alarm to stop and list accomplishments, however small.
- Accomplishment Walls or Jars: Post-it "done" walls, or literal jars where you note the things you’ve done.
- Rituals: Use a specific celebratory act (like lighting a scented candle) to anchor positive feelings.
- Titration: If holding on to pride or satisfaction feels hard, dip in briefly and build up over time.
- Safe Sharing Practices: Consider carefully who you share wins with (not everyone deserves access to your pride).
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
On Struggling With Celebration:
“I usually don't do this because I feel like something bad is on the horizon to take away the joy...It feels frivolous. It feels presumptuous.”
—Russell [16:18], reflected by Kristen
On Family Patterns:
“Was called vain or spoiled for enjoying good things out loud. Who can relate to that?”
—Kristen Carder [30:57]
On Perfectionism:
“The perfectionistic mindset of, like, these, like, insidious perfectionism thoughts. Right. Like, we should be perfect. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable.”
—Kristen Carder [26:40]
On Comparison:
“But the comparison to other people does not matter. And you're allowed to acknowledge this was a really hard thing for me and I did it.”
—Kristen Carder [01:20:02]
On Surfing Positive Emotions:
“It takes energy to sit with satisfaction. Yes. Especially if we're not practiced. Is that okay? Yes, sweetheart. It's okay.”
—Kristen Carder [01:07:12]
Community Validation:
“Let's sit with gratitude of what we've accomplished. You all listed the great things that you've accomplished in the last 24 hours. That's amazing.”
—Kristen Carder [01:32:29]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- [04:46] Kristen introduces her reasons for sharing an "imperfect" episode
- [09:23] On the struggle to acknowledge satisfaction/accomplishment
- [16:18] Community shares reactions to being told to celebrate wins
- [23:28] Upper limit problem and 'The Big Leap' reference
- [26:40] Perfectionism and expectations
- [36:47] Reframing pride in religious/familial contexts
- [44:09] Self-trust and celebrating wins as self-evidence
- [58:30] Emotional regulation of positive emotions
- [01:07:12] Titrating (small doses of) satisfaction; listener emotional shares
- [01:18:12] On finding safe people to celebrate with
- [01:20:02] Celebrating the “bare minimum” if it’s hard for you
- [01:32:29] Ending group gratitude and summary
Final Takeaways
- Feeling accomplished—even for the “bare minimum”—is not just okay, it’s essential for ADHDers to build self-trust and improve well-being.
- The discomfort around self-celebration is learned, not innate; it can be unlearned with conscious practice.
- Establish rituals and self-reminders to notice, name, and embody satisfaction.
- Surround yourself with safe people who can celebrate wins with you, and remember—comparison is irrelevant: if it was hard for you, it deserves acknowledgement.
Practical Assignment from Kristen:
- Start your own accomplishment list, wall, or jar.
- Practice “surfing” the feeling of satisfaction for a few seconds every day.
- Look for (and be!) a safe person to celebrate with, starting with the Focused community if you need.
“A win is a win. And the bare minimum might be your biggest win yet.”
—Kristen Carder [08:55]