339 BITESIZE | Struggling with Parenting Regrets? Here's How to Make it Right

Summary

Episode Overview

Title: 339 BITESIZE | Struggling with Parenting Regrets? Here's How to Make it Right
Host: Kristen Carder
Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast
Date: October 2, 2025

In this bite-sized episode, Kristen Carder offers insight and encouragement for ADHD parents grappling with the regret and guilt that can come with parenting mistakes. Drawing from her personal experiences and essential principles of repair in parent-child relationships, Kristen reassures listeners that it’s never too late to make amends, and provides a clear, practical roadmap for genuine apology and reconnection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Parenting with ADHD: The Reality of Messing Up

• Kristen describes a typical, rushed morning getting her oldest out the door for school, emphasizing the everyday challenges ADHD parents face in meeting their children's needs while managing their own symptoms.
  • "I'm the parent. I'm allowed to say this is the rule, you're going to school, but I'm also going to support you. I'm also not going to abandon you and make you do it on your own." (00:48)

The Five Rs of Parenting

• Relationships, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair are highlighted as Kristen’s guiding principles, with “Repair” getting special focus.

The Critical Importance of Repair

• Repair is presented as an essential, learnable, and ongoing parenting skill—especially for those who grew up without models of apology and accountability.
  • "I've been spending the last five years repairing, repair, repair, repair. And it is never too late to repair. Even if your kids are grown and flown, you can still learn the skill of repair and potentially build a stronger connection with your adult children because of your willingness to repair." (01:44)
• Many listeners may be the first in their families to try apologizing and taking responsibility for parenting mistakes.

Grief and Regret: Essential, Not Avoidable

• Kristen argues that the inability or unwillingness to feel grief and regret leads people to ignore or justify mistakes.
  • "When people are not willing to feel grief about their own mistakes... they brush off mistakes, they justify their actions, they ignore. They sweep things under the rug." (02:40)
• She reframes grief as a vital part of parenting growth, not something to avoid.

Messing Up is Inevitable—Especially with ADHD

• Acknowledges the reality of ADHD: impulsivity, impatience, distraction, and forgetfulness inevitably lead to parenting missteps.
  • "Being a human with ADHD means we mess up, like, a lot. We blurt things out, we snap when we're overstimulated. We forget what we promise to our kids. We get distracted when our kids want attention. And then we feel that guilt. It can feel so crushing." (03:23)

Moving Past Crushing Guilt

• Kristen urges listeners not to be weighed down by endless guilt:
  • "I don't want you carrying endless guilt. I don't want you to do it. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help your kids. Okay? What helps is learning to apologize well." (04:17)

How to Apologize and Repair

Kristen offers a step-by-step process for effective apologies:

1. Acknowledge and Name the Mistake
   • "Hey, I yelled at you when I got frustrated. That wasn't okay." (04:25)
2. Take Responsibility Without Excuses
   • "This was my mistake. It wasn't yours. This is not your fault." (04:47)
3. Empathize with Your Child
   • "Hey, when I yelled at you, did that feel scary?... I can imagine that was frustrating, or I can imagine that was unfair. Do you want to tell me how that felt?" (05:12)
4. Express Genuine Remorse
   • "I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for how I handled that. It was not okay." (05:21)
5. Make Amends and Plan for Next Time
   • "Here's my plan to do it differently. Next time, I'm going to work on taking a deep breath before I react." (05:44)
   • Emphasizes being willing to apologize as many times as needed.
   • "I've said to my kids, and I say it all the time, I will apologize as many times as it takes. I've made some big mistakes in my parenting journey, and I never get sick of apologizing for them." (06:26)

Children’s Pain Is a Bid for Connection

• When children mention past hurts—even years later—they’re seeking connection, not just rehashing old wounds.
  • "If you can see that as a bid for connection, you are going to be like such a badass parent." (08:01)
• The real opportunity is strengthening bonds, not defending your actions.

The Value of Messy, Accountable Parenting

• Kids don’t need perfect parents—they need to see real humans who can admit mistakes and model growth and repair.
  • "Because your kids don't need you to be perfect. They actually need to see what it looks like to be human, messy and accountable, and always willing to apologize, repair, and try again." (09:00)

The Lasting Impression: Connection Over Perfection

• Parents teach a crucial life lesson: relationships are built on connection and repair, not on being flawless.
  • "You're already a good enough parent as you are, not because you've never made mistakes, but because you care enough to repair mistakes." (09:18)
  • Shares a touching anecdote from her son showing kids notice positive change:
    "My middle son has said to me so many times, 'Mom, I'm so glad that you started going to therapy because you're a different person... Like, he recognizes the evolvement in me. That doesn't mean there wasn't negative impact to him prior to that. But it does mean that what he's observed in me shows him that people can change." (09:57)

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Memorable Quotes & Highlights

• "It is never too late to repair." (01:53)
• "This is just like another sales pitch for feeling grief." (02:57)
• "Learning to apologize well... isn't about shame. It isn't about blame. It's about connection and repair." (04:20)
• "Your 5 year old doesn't need an emotional monologue." (04:43)
• "I will apologize as many times as it takes." (06:26)
• "If you can see that as a bid for connection, you are going to be like such a badass parent. Truly." (08:01)
• "You're already a good enough parent as you are, not because you've never made mistakes, but because you care enough to repair mistakes." (09:18)
• "Relationships are built on connection, not perfection." (10:26)

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Notable Timestamps

• 00:48 — Kristen describes parenting an ADHD morning rush and introduces the core principles, zeroing in on "repair"
• 01:44 — Why repair matters and how it’s never too late to start
• 02:40 — The generational legacy of avoiding grief and apologies
• 03:23 — Unique challenges of parenting with ADHD
• 04:17 — The case against endless guilt; importance of sincere repair
• 04:25-05:44 — The step-by-step model for apology and relationship repair
• 06:26 — Kristen’s ongoing willingness to apologize to her kids
• 08:01 — Seeing children’s complaints as bids for connection, not attacks
• 09:00 — The real lesson for kids: seeing a parent be “messy and accountable”
• 09:57 — Personal story: how her son recognizes and appreciates her growth

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Conclusion: Kristen's Take Home Message

Kristen Carder normalizes the emotional struggle of parenting with ADHD, providing both comfort and actionable steps for those facing regret. Through honest self-reflection and practical tools for repair, she offers listeners a way to move forward—emphasizing that connection, accountability, and willingness to change are what matter most to kids, not perfection.

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For more, check out the full episode linked in the show notes.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen.

[B]

Because let's be real, some of us.

[A]

ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick.

[B]

Me.

[A]

It's Thursday y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your water.

[B]

Take your meds, grab a snack.

[A]

Now let's get rolling.

[B]

This morning my kid, my oldest, was like rushing around and I just like heated up some pancakes, put them on a paper plate, handed them to him on his way out the door. I'm like just helping him get out the door. He doesn't want to go to school, but he has to go to school because that's what's best. And I'm the parent. I'm allowed to say this is the rule, you're going to school, but I'm also going to support you. I'm also not going to abandon you and make you do it on your own. How can I help you to follow the rules and the last one. So we have relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. And repair, I think is one of the most important aspects of parenting. You know, I was talking about regulation and how dysregulated I was as a parent and how much I believe damage I caused to my kids because of my dysregulation. And I have been spending the last five years repairing repair, repair, repair. And it is never too late to repair. Even if your kids are grown and flown, you can still learn the skill of repair and potentially build a stronger connection with your adult children because of your willingness to repair. Many of us grew up with parents who never apologized. Mistakes were just brushed off. They were justified or ignored. And sweeping things under the rug was just like normal. It was an expected part of life. And I just want to like circle back to grief. I think when people are not willing to feel grief about their own mistakes, they're not willing to feel that pang of regret about their own mistakes. They brush off mistakes, they justify their actions, they ignore. They sweep things under the rug. So this is just like another sales pitch for feeling grief. So maybe when you became a parent you were like, I wanna do things differently, right? I wanna take responsibility. I wanna apologize to my kids, even though my parents never apologized to me. But, like, being a human with ADHD means we mess up, like, a lot. We blurt things out, we snap when we're overstimulated. We forget what we promise to our kids. We get distracted when our kids want attention. And then we feel that guilt. It can feel so crushing. So, as I said earlier, messing up being human, it doesn't make you a bad parent. And you can repair relationships. And this is the encouragement to you. The last skill or the last principle of parenting that Elisa Pressman talks about is repair. And that's the one I want to focus on here. Because so many of us feel like we have so much to apologize for. We know that we are so flawed. We know that our humanity and our ADHD has really ruptured our relationship with our kids. And I don't want you carrying endless guilt. I don't want you to do it. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help your kids. Okay? What helps is learning to apologize well, all right. Learning to apologize well, learning how to make that repair a great apology. It isn't about shame. It isn't about blame. It's about connection and repair. And it only takes a few steps. So let's talk about it. You've got to acknowledge what happened. You got to recognize it. You got to name that mistake clearly and calmly. Like, hey, I yelled at you when I got frustrated. That wasn't okay. Then you're going to take responsibility. You're going to own your actions without excuses. You can explain, but there's a very fine line between explanation and excuse. Okay? So keep it short and keep it developmentally appropriate. Your 5 year old doesn't need an emotional monologue.

[C]

All right?

[B]

So listen, this was my mistake. It wasn't yours. This is not your fault. And then you're going to empathize. You're going to help your child, no matter what their age. You're going to help them to feel seen. You're going to show that you understand their experience. Hey, when I yelled at you, did that feel scary? And just give them a chance to, like, express themselves if they want to.

[C]

All right?

[B]

I can imagine that felt scary, or I can imagine that was frustrating, or I can imagine that was unfair. Do you want to tell me how that felt?

[C]

Right?

[B]

And then express remorse. This is the part where you actually apologize. All right, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for how I handled that it was not okay. I'm sorry. And then here's the actual repair part. We're going to make amends. It's not about grand gestures. It's about showing that you know that you made a mistake and you know that you know that they're not just going to get over it in a second. This is the opposite of sweeping it under the rug. This is like, I'm sorry. I acknowledge what I did. And next time, here's my plan to do it differently. Next time, I'm going to work on taking a deep breath before I react, or next time, I'm going to pause for five seconds before I say anything. And I like to also let my kids know or really anybody that I'm apologizing to. That, like, I know that it might take you a little bit, it might take you some time to feel better. I don't expect you to feel better right away. So if you want to talk to me about this again or if you need me to apologize again, I'm willing to do that. I've said to my kids, and I say it all the time, I will apologize as many times as it takes. I've made some big mistakes in my parenting journey, and I never get sick of apologizing for them. Now. It's not about wallowing in self pity. It's not about wallowing in, like, I'm the worst person in the whole world. That's not what it's about. But it is about, like, if. If my kid is still having an emotional experience and still, like, bringing up this memory, mom, remember when you did that? I really didn't like, means that they're not over it, and that's okay. They don't just have to get over stuff. They're humans. Like, this is a human relationship. It's okay for them to come to me and say, hey, remember when you did that? I didn't like it. My reaction to that is not going to be, I already apologized for that. Why are you bringing up to me? This is not fair. No, no, no, no. That, my friend, is a resistance of the grief. That, my friend, is a resistance of the regret.

[C]

Right?

[B]

But if I can open up and I can say, you're right, it was. It wasn't okay, come and tell me how you feel. I'm never going to get sick of hearing it. So. So come. Come and tell me everything. Tell me how you're feeling. I'm never going to get sick of apologizing to you. I am so sorry. When your kid comes to you and says that they have this memory or this pain or this hurt, they're actually looking if they're 5 years old or if they're 50 years old and they come to you with a painful memory or something that you've done that's hurt them. They're looking for connection. If you can see that as a bid for connection, you are going to be like such a badass parent. Truly, if you can look through the lens of they want to connect with me. Now, I understand that rejection sensitivity takes over and, and all of the shame and the guilt and the spirals. But if you can overcome that and just open up to the pain. Cause it is painful. If you can open up to it and see when they want to talk to you about hurt as a bid for connection, you are going to improve your relationship with your kid like you have never, ever dreamed you could. Because your kids don't need you to be perfect. They actually need to see what it looks like to be human, messy and accountable, and always willing to apologize, repair, and try again.

[C]

All right?

[B]

You're already a good enough parent as you are, not because you've never made mistakes, but because you care enough to repair mistakes. You're willing to feel the pain of recognizing a mistake and then you're willing to be humble enough to make a repair. Okay? Your kid, I promise you, they're not going to remember every time you lost your patience. They will remember how safe they feel around you and it's okay for you to evolve in that way. My middle son has said to me so many times, mom, I'm so glad that you started going to therapy because you're a different person. This child is 14. He has said to me many times, I'm so glad you're a life coach, because you really changed when you became a life coach. Like, he recognizes the evolvement in me. That doesn't mean there wasn't negative impact to him prior to that. But it does mean that what he's observed in me shows him that people can change.

[C]

Right?

[B]

And that's a big deal. So when the guilt creeps in, as it does for me, remind yourself you are teaching your kid, no matter what their age, one of the most important lessons, that relationships are built on connection, not perfection.

[A]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have adhd. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right. My friends, I had a great time.

[B]

With you today, and I cannot wait.

[A]

To talk to you again next week.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

Bye.