342 Love on the Spectrum’s Kaelynn Partlow on Autism, ADHD, and Why She Refuses to Use the Term “AuDHD”

Summary

Podcast Summary:

I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode 342: Love on the Spectrum’s Kaelynn Partlow on Autism, ADHD, and Why She Refuses to Use the Term “AuDHD”
Date: October 14, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this insightful and candid episode, Kristen Carder welcomes Kaelynn Partlow—autism advocate, therapist, author, and “Love on the Spectrum” alum—to delve into the real-life complexities of being both autistic and ADHD. Together, they explore the nuances of these diagnoses, the problems with labels like “AuDHD,” social misconceptions, the reality behind calling neurodivergence a "superpower," accommodations, and meaningful ways to foster authentic acceptance. The conversation is laced with humor, honesty, and actionable insights for ADHDers, autistics, and allies alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Kaelynn’s Background & Journey (02:19–04:05)

• Kaelynn introduces herself as a social media educator, autism advocate, content creator, therapist, and public speaker.
• She shares her deep-rooted connection with Project Hope Foundation, first attending as a student and later returning as a therapist.
  • “I've been with Project HOPE since I was 13 years old, and there's not been a break in that.” (02:58, Kaelynn)

The “AuDHD” Label & Why Kaelynn Rejects It (04:05–05:38)

• Kaelynn is adamant about not self-identifying as “AuDHD,” finding it impractical in most real-life contexts.
  • “The purpose of an abbreviation is to be understood very quickly... And in the circles that I'm in... people would say, ‘you're what? That means what?’... So, why would I say that? That's just silly.” (04:43, Kaelynn)
• Prefers direct communication: “If I have something to say, I’ll say it with enough specificity that everyone can understand.”

Disentangling ADHD and Autism (06:11–11:46)

• Kaelynn finds it challenging to distinguish which of her traits stem from autism versus ADHD, especially around executive functioning.
  • “There could be components... affecting my behavior and outlook connected to autism—not just ADHD. So it's hard to separate which one goes where.” (06:11, Kaelynn)
• She treats her ADHD with Vyvanse and Adderall, which significantly improved her impulse control at work, though not without pesky side effects (headaches, appetite changes).
  • “As soon as I started taking it, I definitely stopped getting in trouble.” (08:29, Kaelynn)
• Conversation highlights the difficulty of parsing overlapping symptoms, particularly executive dysfunction—a critical topic for listeners with both diagnoses.

Unique Experiences: Autism, ADHD, and Social Dynamics (11:46–13:41)

• Kaelynn compares her experience to others:
  • Autistic folks may be content with routine, but her ADHD brings a strong need for novelty.
  • “I’m not happy like that... I'm always seeking some kind of novelty, something new. I'm bored with everything.” (11:46, Kaelynn)

Representation & Reality TV (13:41–15:09)

• Kristen reflects on Kaelynn’s impact on “Love on the Spectrum,” lamenting the limited coverage of her story.
• Kaelynn comments on why she’s perhaps less suited to reality TV:
  • “Relative to individuals who participate on reality television, I am not somebody who is going to engage in some kind of egregious behavior on camera.” (14:36, Kaelynn)

The “You Don’t Look Autistic” Trope (15:09–18:38)

• They discuss the problematic phrase “you don’t look autistic.”
• Kaelynn rebuffs it with humor and analogies:
  • “Just because you don’t know where something is doesn’t mean it’s invisible... You’re not a trained clinician, you don’t know where to look.” (17:57, Kaelynn)
  • Recounts a high school incident where her service dog mitigated visible symptoms.

Kaelynn’s Personality, Control, and Social Negotiation (18:38–21:12)

• Candid discussion about being “hard to live with,” her strong opinions, and the negotiation skills honed from early high verbal ability.
• Finds most people “don’t like to choose,” so she’s happy to do so if others are indifferent.

Communication Nuances: Bids for Connection & Expressing Affection (21:29–27:21)

• Kristen shares a personal breakthrough: learning to recognize “bids for connection” from an autistic loved one (e.g., repeating “I’m tired” not for solutions, but validation).
  • “When something is repetitive and it’s out of context, maybe it annoys you a little bit… it might be a bid for connection.” (24:11, Kaelynn)
• Kaelynn distinguishes between seeking and expressing affection:
  • Giving objects frequently used (like keys) is expressing love;
  • Statements like “I’m tired” are seeking affection.

Navigating Open-Ended Questions (29:07–32:33)

• Open-ended questions pose unique challenges for Kaelynn; likens it to “playing Tetris with your eyes closed.”
  • “To answer an open ended question, there’s a lot of subtext you have to sift through.” (29:41, Kaelynn)
  • She prefers specificity in communication and feels frustrated when it’s absent.

Accommodations and Self-Advocacy (34:04–39:53)

• Kaelynn describes essential accommodations: fidget tools, noise-cancelling headphones (selected for decibel cancellation), sunglasses, especially in overstimulating environments.
  • On the importance of self-managed accommodations:
    • “There are accommodations that are socially mediated... and there are accommodations that are just self managed... For the ones that are self managed, that is your responsibility and you do not need to ask for them.” (37:08, Kaelynn)
• Kristen reflects on past mistakes with shaming accommodations and the importance of learning and improving as allies.
  • “You learn better, you do better.” (39:53, Kaelynn)

Is Autism or ADHD a Superpower? (41:10–47:44)

• Both Kristen and Kaelynn strongly reject the “superpower” narrative.
  • “Could you walk into Shark Tank and... get someone to buy autism?... No. No one would buy autism.” (42:50, Kaelynn)
  • Labels like “superpower” are more for the comfort of others (especially parents) than the reality of living with these conditions.
  • Acceptance doesn’t require glossing over difficulties or calling them gifts.

Self-Acceptance vs. Superpower Narrative (46:14–50:36)

• Kaelynn emphasizes separating “brokenness” from morality.
  • “If certain parts of my brain don’t do the things that I would really, really like for them to do, that doesn’t mean I’m a terrible, horrible person.” (47:18, Kaelynn)
• Kristen shares on decoupling symptoms from character flaws; both advocate for nuanced, honest self-acceptance.

The Harm of Superpower Rhetoric (50:44–52:37)

• Inaccuracies in the “superpower” discourse are grating, particularly coming from educators and those in power.
  • “It's a public display of lack of understanding and that should be embarrassing for them.” (52:05, Kaelynn)
  • Individual positive traits shouldn’t always be credited to the diagnosis: call it what it is—your own awesomeness.

Where Strengths Really Come From (52:38–53:29)

• Kaelynn credits her precise communication and ability to distill information (not jargon-heavy) as strengths she brings—possibly influenced by her autism.
  • “We've got to expand beyond the buzzwords and the... catchy phrases if we're going to affect meaningful change.” (53:17, Kaelynn)

Authentic Acceptance: What Does That Mean? (54:53–59:13)

• Kaelynn calls out “conditional acceptance” in the autism community:
  • “Your autism acceptance doesn’t count if it goes away the moment an autistic person does an autistic thing.” (54:55, Kaelynn)
• Real scenarios are discussed, such as inappropriate public behaviors or unfiltered comments, stressing the need for teaching—not shame or exclusion.
  • “That’s where it’s a problem. That’s where you’re absolutely 100% wrong.” (57:54, Kaelynn)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “To answer an open-ended question is like playing Tetris with your eyes closed.” (29:41, Kaelynn)
• “Just because you don’t know where something is doesn’t mean it’s invisible.” (17:57, Kaelynn)
• “There are accommodations that are just self-managed... you do not need to ask for them.” (37:08, Kaelynn)
• “Could you get someone to buy autism?... No one would want that if they didn’t already have that.” (42:50, Kaelynn)
• “Your autism acceptance doesn’t count if it goes away the moment an autistic person does an autistic thing.” (54:55, Kaelynn)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Kaelynn’s background and Project Hope: 02:19–04:05
• Discussion on “AuDHD”: 04:05–05:38
• Disentangling ADHD vs. Autism experiences: 06:11–11:46
• Reality TV & Representation: 13:41–15:09
• “You don’t look autistic” conversation: 15:09–18:38
• Communication and affection/bids for connection: 21:29–27:21
• Accommodations (headphones, sunglasses, etc.): 34:04–39:53
• Is neurodivergence a superpower? 41:10–47:44
• Self-acceptance and separating symptoms from character: 46:14–50:36
• Authentic acceptance and "autistic things": 54:53–59:13

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Where to Find Kaelynn

• Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook: Just search for her name.
• Book: Life on the Bridge (new edition via HarperCollins, with new cover and material, soon to be available everywhere including in audiobook format).

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Final Thoughts

This episode stands out for its directness, compassion, and practical wisdom about ADHD and autism. Kaelynn and Kristen challenge easy platitudes and demand a real, practical form of acceptance that withstands the uncomfortable realities of living neurodivergently—without glorification or shame. The episode is packed with relatable analogies and examples and is a must-listen for anyone navigating, loving, or working alongside neurodivergent people.

Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast, where it's all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with adhd. I'm your host, Kristen Carter, and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point point A to point B.

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you've tuned into the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated, and ready to roll. Today we are talking to a very special guest, Kaelyn Partlow. I am so looking forward to this conversation. I have been pestering her for months, maybe even years, to get her on this pod. And here we are today in beautiful sunny South Carolina to have a conversation about autism, adhd. The overlap, the similarities, all of the things. I can't wait for you to hear from her. I'm going to read her bio here. It's very impressive. Kaylin is an autism advocate, therapist, author and content creator known for her appearance on season one of the Netflix series Love on the Spectrum. Diagnosed with autism at age 10, she works as a registered behavior technician at Project Hope foundation, supporting individuals on the autism spectrum. Kaelyn uses her platform to educate and advocate for autism awareness and understanding, sharing her experience and insights through social media and her book, Life on the Bridge. Now, I've been following Kaelyn for years, since her first season of Love on the Spectrum. And which, by the way, am I allowed to say it? I just wanted more of you on that. Okay. I wanted more. I was like, give me more of this girl. When I went back to rewatch season one in preparation for this podcast interview, I was so excited that you were the very first face to appear. Season one, episode one. I was like, there's our girl. There she is. I made me excited. I'm so glad to have you here. Welcome to the show.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. Thank you for having me.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, you're welcome. So tell us a little bit about yourself. I read your impressive bio, but in your own words, just like in today's mood, tell us a little bit.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Not today's mood.

[Kristen Carter]

In today's mood, who are you? What do you do?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I am a social media educator. I am, you know, well, content creator. I don't know what I am. I'm a lot of things.

[Kristen Carter]

What are you?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I am an autism advocate. I am a public speaker. I'm a social media educator. I am a therapist. I am a Lot of things in the autism community, I think.

[Kristen Carter]

And you work for Project hope. Can you tell me a little bit about that organization?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. So my story with Project Hope is relatively unique in that I am not just an employee. I was actually a student. I went there for all of high school. So I'm 28 now, and I've been with Project HOPE since I was 13 years old, and there's not been a break in that. I have just been there since I was 13.

[Kristen Carter]

Wow.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. First as a high school student and now as a therapist.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, so is it a. Forgive my ignorance. Is it a location? Like, is it an actual school? Okay, so is it a school for. Specifically for autistic kids?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Okay, we only serve autistic kids.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, my gosh. That's incredible. That's amazing that something like that exists so close to, like, where you were living, or did you move here for that?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

No, no, they. They existed like, 15 minutes up the road from me, which is fantastic. Oh, so cool.

[Kristen Carter]

That's awesome. So this is an ADHD podcast. You are autistic and ADHD and have just, like, so many badges of. Of other things as well. Dyslexia, dyspraxia, dysgraphia. Am I missing anything?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Dyscalcula.

[Kristen Carter]

Dyscalcula, yes. Okay, so what we're interested in, like, most specifically here would be that the autism ADHD conversation. Can you tell me a little bit about, like, is Audi HD something that you identify with, like, autism and adhd? Do you see them as very separate? Like, what. What are your. How do you kind of process that?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

My answer to that is, like, maybe a little nitpicky, but I would never, like, walk around saying, I'm Audi hd. Would never say it. Would never say that out loud.

[Kristen Carter]

Everything.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Well, to me, the purpose of an abbreviation is to be understood very quickly. And in the circles that I'm in outside of online, but, like, in person, a lot of people would say, you're what? That means what? And then I would have to explain it, which defeats the purpose of an abbreviation. So if I have to then tell you what this thing is, what this thing is, what the combo means, and how I got there, why would I say that? That's just silly. Online. Yeah, in a lot of those circles, people are gonna know what I'm talking about. But I don't think it's widespread enough that the people in my in person circles are gonna immediately understand what I'm talking about. And even if, like, a few people don't understand what I'm Talking about I want to be understood and I don't want people to feel like that I'm like talking over their heads, that I've got this in group, that I know more than them and so that I'm speaking above them. So I will always just explain it. If I have something to say, I'll say it with enough specificity that everyone can understand what I say.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm obsessed with that answer. I really appreciate that. Do you find yourself being nitpicky a lot?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yes, it makes me a good writer.

[Kristen Carter]

One of your best.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Ridiculous to live with.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. Yes, I love that.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Do you?

[Kristen Carter]

This might be an unfair question and feel free to just be like, I don't feel like answering that. But like, do you identify with autism? Do you feel like that's kind of like an umbrella diagnosis for you where like ADHD would fit under that, or do you identify with them both equally?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. That's a hard one for me to like be able to sort through. Well, this is this and this is that. I think there are plenty of instances in which I can pinpoint this is definitely this. But there are also some instances with specifically my difficulties surrounding executive functioning, those time management components, emotional regulation, impulse control, that sort of thing. That it's like there could be components that are affecting just my behavior and my outlook that are connected to autism, not just adhd. So it's hard to separate which one goes where.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, that's so interesting. That's so interesting. Do you mind if I ask you, do you choose to treat your adhd?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yes, I do. Yeah. I take Vyvanse and Adderall.

[Kristen Carter]

And has that been a life changing experience or. Not really. Like how, how has that impacted you?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

When I first started, it was probably maybe five or six years ago. I was getting in trouble a lot at work, a lot of impulse control issues. So like, and like, I think this is one where I can separate the autism, the adhd. So a thing that would, I think, trigger, kind of trigger my autism. Doesn't sound very clinical, but I think people will know what I'm talking about. Something that used to bother me a lot that would come up was schedule changes at work. So, you know, I would be scheduled to be with a client, but maybe that client is on vacation. And so I show up to the session and the client isn't there and they're like, he's on vacation. What do you mean? And so now you've gotta completely replan your day. And that used to really, really bother me. Where the other therapist might be like, oh, I'll go work on notes. I just could not readjust. And so that, I think, was the autism there, not being able to readjust. But then the ADHD would come in where I would do something impulsive like throw something or say something really awful. And that lack of impulse control would really get me. And that's the piece that I would get in trouble for. Like, it's okay, we understand you're upset, but you can't say something rude. You cannot throw something at work. Like, that's not acceptable behavior. Um, and so I think I was driven to try and find alternative solutions because you can only get written up so many times, like, this is not cool. You cannot. You cannot do this. Um, and so that's what motivated me to seek treatment. And it helped a lot. Um, as soon as I started taking it, I definitely stopped getting in trouble.

[Kristen Carter]

Wow.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

So that's cool. The side effects are not my favorite, but, like, I don't take it on the weekends. I only take it when I'm working.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Um, and so, like, every time I get back on it, whatever that that first day is, I get a headache. Um, but it only lasts the one day. So, like, every Monday, I get a headache, but the rest of the days are fine.

[Kristen Carter]

Headache day sure is.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

And I'm, like, scared to take Advil because, like, they said, it's bad for your liver or whatever, and I don't.

[Kristen Carter]

Want liver disease every time I take.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Advil, so I never. But if I do, the good news is, is, like, if I do take an Advil, it works really great. Cause I never take them. So, like, I could take, like, a half an Advil and it would fix whatever problem. Like, I. I'm pretty sure my arm could get cut off and I could take an Advil and it would work great. That's because I never take it.

[Kristen Carter]

Is this an Advil commercial? No, this podcast is not sponsored by Advil. Although that would be so cool. That would be cool. What other side effects do you not enjoy with the medication?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

The eating ones. And it's not that. Like, I, like, I don't do the thing that other people do where they're like, they're not hungry and then they, like, binge eat at night. I don't do that. I will literally pass away if I don't eat. It's just I don't really feel the desire to eat. I'm hungry. I know I'm hungry. I know food will fix the problem I'm experiencing, but every Everything sounds disgusting. It's just a matter of force. You have to eat, and that doesn't go away at the time.

[Kristen Carter]

That part is so hard. I was on a stimulant for about 10 years, and I had the exact same experience where I didn't have a choice not to eat. I had to eat, but it was just, like, repulsive, and it was just forcing yourself, and that was not.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Weekends are for eating. Yeah, weekends are. Weekends are for eating because I don't think I'm the end.

[Kristen Carter]

Weekends are for the eating. Oh, man. So you talked about how it's kind of hard to distinguish. What exactly is autism? What exactly is adhd? Is that something that you've thought through? Like, can you kind of walk us through ways in which you feel like they overlap and ways in which you feel like they're different?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Oh, God. For me personally or for others?

[Kristen Carter]

For you personally, because that's why I'm using the feel word. Because I think clinically we wouldn't say, like, how do you feel? Right. But, like, um, for your experience, how do you feel like they overlap. And how do you feel like they're different?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. Lisa, you got thoughts on this one?

[Kristen Carter]

Ooh. Guys, we have our friend Lisa here, and she's off camera, but she. How would you describe Lisa? Who is she to you?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Oof. I feel like the word that most people would, like, recognize immediately is if I said mentor, that would make sense, but it's, like, a little bit deeper than that. Kind of. We're not blood related. And she tells me what to do, and she occasionally kicks my ass. That's what's Lisa.

[Kristen Carter]

And she fixes your hair.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. I think one thing that shows up for me just as I'm thinking about it is that, like, a lot of people who are just autistic, that I know, they are pretty content with the same kind of options. So, like, if somebody has a lot of free time at home where there's not much going on, they're happy to watch YouTube. And that's just good. It's relaxing. They've got a snack. They've got their YouTube. They've got somewhere comfy to sit, and they're good for several hours. They're happy. I'm not happy like that. I'm always seeking some kind of novelty, something new. I'm bored with everything. Nothing holds my attention. And so a quiet place to watch YouTube might be fun for an hour, but if you leave me there for longer than that, I will become miserable.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes, that is so good. That makes complete sense in my brain. And I'm wondering too, about the social component that would fall more into the autism category, I'm assuming.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Probably.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Whereas with edg, not that there aren't social components to it, but it's not like, within the diagnostic criteria necessarily. Yeah, that's really interesting. Okay, I'm just. I'm gonna ask you this question. I loved having, like, watching your story on Love on the Spectrum. And I know it's really blown up in the last, like, season or two, but that first season was so meaningful, especially as, like, I was earlier in stages with my own family members who were in diagnostic processes and being able to. In the diagnostic process, being able to see different stories of autism represented, different. Just visual representations and the different ways that autism presents in different people. So helpful to me. And I kept thinking, why aren't we seeing more of Kaylin? I want to see more of this girl. I love her. So I just want to tell you that there's a little compliment to you regarding your Love on the Spectrum experience in some reel. I was deep in the reels. You said something to the effect of, I don't make great entertainment for reality tv. I did say that, yeah. I think it was a very. It was very gentle, it was very sweet. It wasn't anything against Netflix or the show or anything, but that made me laugh. And also it made me be like, ugh, I thought that you were amazing and I wanted to see more of your story represented. So what did you mean when you said that? Like, I don't. I don't really make great entertainment for reality tv?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

What I meant is that the audience is not necessarily on the edge of their seats when they watch me. They're not wondering, oh, my God, what's she gonna say next? What's she gonna do next? Is she gonna reach across the table and put her hands in his pants? Like, no one is wondering that they know what may or may not happen within reason. And I think that's the part that, like, yeah, does not make for good reality TV. You watch TLC, some of those shows like 90 Day Fiance, and the people on there are putting themselves in extreme circumstances or giving extreme reactions one way or another. And not to say that I'm a level headed person, because anyone who knows me in real life would passionately dispute that claim if I were to make that claim. However, relative to individuals who participate on reality television, I am not somebody who is going to engage in some kind of egregious behavior on camera and I think that's why I may be not super entertaining in terms of reality tv.

[Kristen Carter]

That's so interesting. And sure, I can understand that. But also for those of us who love people who are on the spectrum, not to be so annoyingly cliche and, like, tie that in, but for those of us who love people who are on the spectrum, to see your story represented was really important. It was important to me. It was important to the family members that I watched it with. It was just. It was. It was really important. And so I just wanna say I would watch a Kailyn reality TV show.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You might be the only one.

[Kristen Carter]

I would just. I. Would I be the only one? I doubt it, girl. I doubt it. Okay, so this kind of ties in a little bit, I think. So. I have a family member who has been diagnosed as autistic, but they don't look autistic. It's kind of like, I don't think people would. They would be really surprised. And actually they heard from doctors and teachers repeatedly, like, oh, no, you're fine. It's a little quirky. There's nothing going on here. Until finally a clinician was willing to dig a little deeper and diagnosed with autism. They don't look autistic. You've said that you don't look autistic or. You get that, right? So what does that even, like, can you just rage about that for a minute?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Well, I could, I think. Come on.

[Kristen Carter]

What does that even freaking mean?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Considering who I am and what I do? Nobody has had the guts to say that to my face in several years. It was. I don't know that I could even tell you the last time someone has told that to me in person. Like, I have a memory of somebody telling me that. But I was in high school.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I had disclosed my diagnosis to a friend from church, and I do remember her saying, well, you don't look like you have autism. And I do remember at that time saying, because when I was in high school, I actually had a service dog. And I remember my response to that being, well, great, the dog is doing their job. Nothing terrible is happening with me because I have the dog.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

And I remember the friend being like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Like, accepting that explanation and moving on. But no one has had the guts to say that to me in recent years.

[Kristen Carter]

What should someone say if they do get that?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. Online, people talk about. And I think this is more wishful thinking than actual real life because you're. Everyone's more bold online. Right. But you know A lot of responses. People like to imagine them saying is, you know, oh, you don't look autistic. Well, you don't look like an idiot. But yet here we are. I don't know that anybody should say that. I don't know that that's like lending itself to bridge building necessarily. But you might think that when I.

[Kristen Carter]

Imagine that scenario, I imagine a response of like, what an interesting thing to say. What do you think it means to look autistic and kind of like putting it back on the other person? Because. Yeah, don't.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, they would squirm. Nobody would know how to quantify that.

[Kristen Carter]

Right. Because it's not quantifiable. It's not something that should even be. Yeah. That. That makes me upset. And it's similar to. Or it feels similar in my body. You can tell me what you think it feels similar to. Like, well, everybody's adhd. Like, everybody's a little adhd. It's just like. I mean, really, like, again, what an interesting thing to say.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. I've always had a hard time with. And this is. This is similar to that. Not the same statement, but the idea that autism is an invisible disability. I've talked a lot before about how just because you don't know where something is doesn't mean it's invisible. Like, if you lose your car keys, no one's like, oh, my God, my car keys turned invisible. You just don't know where to look. That doesn't make them invisible. You're not a trained clinician. You don't know where to look for my areas of strength and weakness. So obviously you wouldn't see it. But just because you don't see it doesn't make it invisible. You just don't know where to look.

[Kristen Carter]

Guys, that was. Did you think that up in your own brain?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That's good. That's why I'm not very easy to live with.

[Kristen Carter]

Why do you perceive yourself as being hard to live with?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. I'm needy, I'm wanty. I like to be in control. Although I will say, and this is a thing that I've kind of thought of recently is like, if I make social plans with a friend or a roommate or whatever, like, I want to pick where we go. I want to pick how we get there. I want to pick the roads we take on the way to go there. I want to pick when we eat, where we eat, how we eat, where we sit. I would like to pick all of those things. And I would like you to Just cooperate with my instructions. And so, like, I think a lot of people hear that, and they're like, oh, my God, she's controlling. I could never live with that. However, in my personal experience, I find that lots of people do not like to choose. The burden of choice is a lot for them. And I have very strong opinions. And so if you don't care, I do. So let's do it my way. And I've not yet come in contact with someone who also has strong opinions, and I also have the ability to negotiate. So if someone does care about something, negotiation and compromise are very important, and it is something that I've worked hard to be good at, so I am capable of that. But generally, I like to be the one that gets to pick.

[Kristen Carter]

I agree with you that I think a lot of people don't feel like being in charge. And there's an insecurity on, like, if I choose, what if they don't like it? Do you not have that insecurity? Mm.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. I feel like for the people I hang out with, my circle is pretty small, so I'm relatively good at predicting their specific preferences, so I have a pretty good idea of whether or not they will or won't like it.

[Kristen Carter]

How did you learn to negotiate?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I've always had a strong language ability. I was speaking at the age of 8 months and.

[Kristen Carter]

Stop. How?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know. My mom has stories of that. Like, when I was in the grocery store, I would just talk to people and freak them out because someone that small shouldn't be producing intelligible speech. But I was. Wow.

[Kristen Carter]

So I've had three kids. None of them spoke close to eight months. And that would freak me out. That would. That's.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Apparently, it freaked out a lot of people who would, like, hear it.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, so you're saying you relied on your language skills to learn to negotiate.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, And I'm the oldest. I have two siblings, and so, you know, it was necessary.

[Kristen Carter]

What's it like being an oldest child for you? Is that, like, a role that feels doable because you do like to be in charge and you do like to kind of set the. Set the rules. I'm sure it's different now that you're.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

All, like, as a kid. Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

In adults. But, like, as a kid.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

As a kid, that was important. Yeah. I really enjoyed the fact that I. Cause I'm four years older than my sister, and I'm nine years older than my brother.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Biggest. But I'm the oldest by quite a bit. And So I had a really great time being the only one who knew how to operate the TV remote. And despite having the capacity to teach others to do that, I would not kept that information secret.

[Kristen Carter]

What were your favorite shows?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

The usual. Spongebob. Anything on Animal Planet. I was big into Animal Planet.

[Kristen Carter]

Aw, that's really cute. I saw a reel of yours. I think I saw it in real time. It wasn't one that I had gone down the rabbit hole to find. I'm pretty sure I saw it in real time, where you talked about the different ways that autistic folks show that they're trying to connect with people. Do you know what real I'm talking about? Okay. And that was such an aha. And meaningful moment for me as someone who has autistic people in her life that I really care about and really love and. And realizing that some of the ways that especially one of those people in particular try to connect with me, but me not understanding that it was a bid for connection, that was such a meaningful experience for me. So I want to say thank you for that reel and just the education that you put out there. It's really important. I know it's uncomfortable to get compliments, but I'm like, person to person. This is really meaningful, and I appreciate you doing that. Can you talk about that a little bit? So one of the ways that. That my autistic person bids for connection is they say, I'm tired. I had no idea. And eventually I asked them, why are you telling me? Like, could you, like, what? Because I would say, oh, you're tired. Did you get enough sleep? Do you want to lay down? Da, da, da. And they'd be like, I'm just telling you that I'm tired. I'm like, I don't understand. And then I said, are you just trying to get some validation here and connect? And they said, yes. And I was like, oh. And so now it's my favorite thing when they say, that's cute. It's so cute. Now it's my favorite thing when they say, I'm tired. I'm like, oh, honey, tell me everything. Or if they don't want to talk, I'm just like, I know it's really hard. Your life is. Your life is so hard.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I love that.

[Kristen Carter]

I know. It's so cute, but I would. It's just making that bridge of like, oh, this is. What's going on here was so important for me. Can you. You don't have to go through the reel or anything, but, like, what are some of the ways that maybe we can be on the lookout for bids for connection from our autistic friends and family.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think sometimes those bids can be a little out of context at times, especially when someone is autistic. Right. Context can be hard for us. And so when something is repetitive and it's out of context and it maybe kind of grabs your attention a little bit, maybe it annoys you a little bit, maybe it confuses you a little bit, but you're seeing it a lot. It might be a bid for connection, it might not be. It might be something else, but it's possible. That's within the realm of possibilities to consider. If you're wondering, why do they keep doing this, why they keep bringing this up? I don't understand what's going on. It might be that that's exactly how.

[Kristen Carter]

It was for us. That's exactly how it was where I would get to the point of frustration because it was like it was clear that they didn't want me to solve the problem for them. And then I'm just like, I don't know why you're telling me this. Like, why are you saying this? And so because it was repetitive, it was out of context, and it was kind of random, like what was going on here? So that's so, so, so helpful. What are the things I think that you said? Like. Like handing you things that you are. Like handing you your keys or handing you your water bottle. Am I remembering it right?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. There's two.

[Kristen Carter]

That was two.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

There's two. That kind of flip flop.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Because you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So I did one on ways that autistic people show love, and then I did one on ways that autistic people ask for connection. And technically in my mind, those things. You're mixing the two. Yeah, they're very similar.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I used a little bit different.

[Kristen Carter]

Connection and love are different.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, a little. Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Okay, so one's expressing affection, the other is seeking affection. They are similar.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, can you walk me through it? Can you walk me through the differences between expressing affection and seeking affection? It's very interesting.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think one you're trying to give and the other you're trying to receive.

[Kristen Carter]

I see what you're saying. Okay, so when they're handing you, for example, someone's handing you something that you use often, that's giving affection.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, like this goes with you. You seem like you need this a lot. So you don't have it. Here, let me give it to you.

[Kristen Carter]

That's sweet. Yep. That Makes sense. And then something like, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. That's seeking affection.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Like, I want you to give love to me. I need something from you.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. And it was so clear that they wanted something, which is why I was getting frustrated, because I'm like, I don't know what. I can tell you want something. I don't know what it is. So to figure that out was really, really helpful.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think sometimes I would say, I think lots of times actually, the autistic person, even if they do possess the language to answer the question, what do you want out of this? I think a lot of times it's still hard to internally pinpoint that and bring it up. So even if they are someone who is language abled, even if you can ask them, what do you want out of this, they still might not be able to tell you because they might not recognize that in themselves.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And that. Actually that question was kind of a point of frustration because the response was like, I don't know. I'm just telling you I'm tired.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Right.

[Kristen Carter]

But when I was able to name, are you just. Do you just want me to give you some validation here and tell you that you're a good person? And they were like, yes, that.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Like, that's the thing.

[Kristen Carter]

That that's what I want. And I'm like, oh, okay. That makes sense. That's so interesting.

Everyone with ADHD knows what to do.

To improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time, you wake up early, you make a list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah.

Like, yeah, we know what to do. But ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do.

It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to.

Get yourself to do it. That's why I created focused. It's an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I'm a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019, I've coached over 4,000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from hot mess express to grounded and thriving. I'll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior behavior and accept yourself, flaws and all. And with this foundation, we'll build the skills to improve your life with adhd. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you're surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development. Right alongside of you. Dr. Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community. And I have absolutely found this to be true.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

True.

[Kristen Carter]

So if you're an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more. That's ihaveadhd.com focused to check it out.

I heard an interview that you did with a therapist and she said that she was trained as a therapist to ask open ended questions. But then she was realizing with her neurodivergent clientele and especially like autistic folks that open ended questions were not helpful.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

They get lost in the sauce.

[Kristen Carter]

Tell me what that experience is like of an open ended question. I'm asking you an open ended question and I'm sorry about that. I'm really sorry. I recognize it, man.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I got no, I've got an analogy in my book and I don't know if I still really vibe with that analogy anymore. So I'll tell you. And it might make sense and it might not make sense. I have previously described open ended questions as playing Tetris with your eyes closed. So you have the blocks, you know the blocks are coming, right? But you don't know where they fit against the other ones. Because to answer an open ended question, there's a lot of like subtext that you have to be able to sift through and understand. So I have to know what do you already know? What do we both know together? What do you not know? What's missing and how do I fill that in? So like, you understand the subject, you understand what might fit there, but you don't understand how it fits. Which is kind of where I came up with playing Tetris with your eyes closed, you get the idea, but you don't know where it fits, so you can't possibly generate a response.

[Kristen Carter]

And then how does that feel in your body when a response is expected from you, but you feel like you're playing Tetris with your eyes closed? Is it frustrating or.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Me personally, I'm annoyed.

[Kristen Carter]

Annoyed at the person or at yourself?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

The other person?

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Their lack of specificity is obnoxious to me, yes.

[Kristen Carter]

And then for you personally, do you like to tell them that you're annoyed or do you say like you need to be more specific?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Depends on who I'm talking to. If this is a person who is for whatever reason paid or supposed to engage with me they have to do this. I'm paying you to talk to me, or you're talking to me because you're getting paid to talk to me for whatever. Like, in a professional context, I will ask for specificity. In a personal context, I won't, because again, I think in a professional context, they kind of owe it to me. But in a personal context, maybe not so much. And in any context, a lot of times, if someone struggles with being specific, they themselves will also get annoyed. Usually that presents at being annoyed at me. I've had several podcast interviews where I've requested politely for the interviewer to be slightly more specific in their questions. And on the podcast, they have expressed frustration at me. You know, you've talked about this before. I'm not sure why this is difficult kind of thing. And, homie, you run a podcast, you should be able to generate a specific question. I don't know what to tell you. I don't say it quite like that. But yeah. So it depends on the context if I ask for specificity or not. Lots of individuals struggle with it. It's not an easy thing to ask for. I don't think they're just holding out on me. I think specific and precise language is sometimes a strength that coincides with some autistic people. I am one of those people. But for lots of people, autistic or not, that is not a strength for them. And so when you're asking them to do something kind of above their pay grade or above their, like, mental capacity, it is frustrating, just as it is frustrating for me to be on the receiving end of their really, really vague question. They're experiencing the same thing. They just don't recognize it when I turn it around on them.

[Kristen Carter]

So, oh, my word. On behalf of. Of podcasters across the world, I apologize.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That's all right.

[Kristen Carter]

Good Lord, that makes me upset.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And it is interesting how it's so ironic that all you did was turn that back and then it was upsetting, and you're like, welcome to my world.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

But they don't see it. They truly don't. And it's really not worth my time to try and explain it to them because to them it feels. Feels accusatory and it feels like an attack because they really, truly do not have the ability to do better than what they're currently doing. Just like I don't. It's really the same. So it's just who gets to eat the frustration, me or you? And usually I pick me because I've been dealing with it longer than they have in my world. You know, I've been trying to sift through vague questions for my entire life, but probably this is maybe the first time anyone has ever asked you to be way more specific than you have the capacity to be. So I usually will be the bigger person, I guess, if you want to call it that, and eat the frustration and try and produce some output that they're happy with.

[Kristen Carter]

Ugh, that's impressive. And I know that's. You can roll your eyes at that, but it is impressive to have this skill of actually mapping all of that out and understanding what's going on in that conversation and then just being like, okay, I'm just going to be the one to carry this perspective.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Taking will take you very far in life.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. That's so interesting. Tell me about accommodations that you make for yourself in addition to fidget tools.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That's what I've been talking about all week. Like, just because I like. Like when I post a video, like, you'll see it, like, usually a couple weeks later. It's not like, usually been filmed, but this week I've been filming so much about accommodations because I'm doing a webinar for autistic adults. And so one of the things I'm talking a lot about is accommodations. I feel like my brain is, like cooked. Like it's been squeezed and wrung out. The accommodations are. They already went down the track.

[Kristen Carter]

You got nothing left for me.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You got nothing left. I've been talking about it all week.

[Kristen Carter]

Ready? Okay.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

All week. That's what I've been doing.

[Kristen Carter]

Here are the accommodations that I have seen you talk about the fidget tools.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Headphones.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yep.

[Kristen Carter]

How do headphones help you block out sensory. Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Turns down the volume of life, generally speaking.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay. And one thing that I noticed about your content is that sometimes you match your headphones to your outfit.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I try.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, it's so good. How many pair do you have?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I have two Bluetooth ones that are noise canceling from Sony, like the nice ones. And then I have two just regular noise canceling ones that just block out just the decibels of sound. So everyone's like, oh, how do you pick them? You want to look at how many decibels of noise they cancel out before you make a purchase. So the highest level of decibel cancellation I've seen is, I believe, 34 decibels. And so that's how you know it's a good pick, because not all noise canceling headphones are created equally. So when you're looking at which ones to get. You should look at the count of decibels.

[Kristen Carter]

And then with the Bluetooth ones, do you usually play white noise or do you just have them set to the noise canceling?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Usually if I'm doing the Bluetooth ones, it's because I'm looking for music.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, I see.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

So I have the music and sound canceling at the same time.

[Kristen Carter]

And then are we choosing outfits based on headphones or headphones based on outfits?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

It depends if I'm flying. The strongest noise canceling ones I have are navy blue. So I try to pick something that goes with navy blue.

[Kristen Carter]

You gotta. So today's outfit would be perfect.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. So today's outfit would be perfect if I were flying.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes, yes. Other tools that I've seen you talk about the noise canceling headphones. Oh, sunglasses.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. In places you might not expect, like on a plane or in the airport.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And is it because the brightness of the light can be jarring?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, I think it's just excessive. Like my day to day, it doesn't really impact me. I don't think like at work or just like at home, it really doesn't bother me. But like you've got more tools at your disposal at work and at home. Like if you'd like to take a walk, that's available to you both at work and at home, on a plane or in the airport, if you want to take a walk. Oh well, too bad. So sad you're on a plane, buddy. It's so like, you know, control what you can.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the things that you see said that I really appreciated was like, I'm not asking for this, I'm telling you that I will be using it. Can you talk just a little bit about that? Like why is that important for you as an autistic adult to like own for yourself? Like, hey, this is something I'm doing. It doesn't really matter whether someone else feels comfortable about it.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

In my mind. There are accommodations that are socially mediated, meaning someone else has to like agree and cooperate and give it to you when you ask. And then there are accommodations that are just self managed that you do for yourself because you need them. And so for the ones that are self managed, that is your responsibility and you do not need to ask for them. So if I need help from someone else, that is something you'll have to ask for, but something I can do for myself. It's just like brushing your teeth every day. It's something you do to care for yourself for your needs. Regardless of whether or not you want to, you just got to same thing.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I am thinking back in shame about a time when an autistic person that I love was wearing sunglasses in an unexpected scenario. And I was like, what are you doing? And at the time, I didn't know they were autistic, but it was as if I just kind of want to admit that. Who cares? Why did I even care that they were wearing sunglasses that did not. Like you said, that wasn't something that they needed to ask my permission. And they didn't rightfully so asked my permission. But I was almost like, what are you doing? Take those sunglasses off. And they were like, no, the light is really bothering my eyes. Which, like, good for them for doing that. I just think it's so hard to negotiate that. As someone who's not autistic, I feel so badly in retrospect, like, oh, what was I thinking? It's like 10 years ago. But I think your videos are so helpful for showing and just displaying like, this is normal. This is just a normal thing that people can do for themselves to accommodate their own needs. And it doesn't cost the other people anything. And that's the part that I feel ashamed about. Was like, that didn't cost me anything. It wasn't costly to me that they were choosing to wear sunglasses. I was just like, what are you doing? You're wearing sunglasses. It's Thanksgiving. Why are you wearing sunglasses at Thanksgiving? And now looking back, I'm like, duh. Like, there was so much sensory input that needed to be, like, blocked out. I don't know why I'm admitting that to you. I feel like I'm retroactively apologizing, and I don't need to do that. You're not the one I need to apologize to. I need to call up the other person and be like, hey, sorry about that. But I just think that we're getting better because of people like you in society about allowing for differences. And that's just one of the ways that I was not cool about it. I don't know why.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You learn better, you do better. And I think kind of more or less in a primitive sort of way, the survival of our species kind of hinges on our ability to be like one of these things is not like the others. One of these things does not belong. So it's natural to call out differences and to want us all to kind of be equal, whatever that perception is. And so if all of us are not wearing sunglasses and one person is we do kind of have a drive to make us all kind of be the same so that we all fit together as one. And I don't think it's unnatural that it's a little bit jarring for some people to notice and maybe say something that's maybe not super helpful about someone's accommodation, because it is different. You know, like I said, you learn better, you do better, you know better, you do better, whatever that phrase is. Um, so it's so true.

[Kristen Carter]

I, I really, I appreciate you saying that because I do feel like there's, there is some, like, equality. That it's like, be like, like. And it's like, no, that it doesn't actually have to be that way. And I really appreciate you saying that. Um, switching gears here. One of the things that gets me the most fired up, and I've recorded many podcasts on it. Don't worry, listeners, og listeners. I'm not going to rant and rave about it, but I do want Kalen too, because I hate it when people.

Call ADHD a superpower.

I just whispered it. I'm going to adjust my seating here. I'm going to get, get ready. I'm getting ready.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't have nice thoughts on this one.

[Kristen Carter]

Good. Because neither do I. And I'm not. I, I would really push back if you did. Um, I struggle so much. And from the ADHD perspective, I think that it came about when, because of really well meaning parents that didn't want their children to feel badly about a label. And so I think the parents struggled with the label and they're like, you know, I don't want my kid to feel a certain way. And so there was this push by parents of kids with adhd. And this, I'm talking years ago. I don't necessarily think that's the case now, but I think that's really how it originated. Was parents feeling uncomfortable with their child being labeled and then trying to put this, like, positive spin on it. You have adhd, but don't worry, it's your superpower. Kind of a. Kind of a conversation. I do not think it is helpful overall for the community. And I'm curious what your thoughts are. Is autism a superpower? Go.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Oh, shit. I thought you were gonna ask if is ADHD a superpower?

[Kristen Carter]

Okay. Is ADHD a superpower?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I mean, we already said no, but I thought that's where that was going.

[Kristen Carter]

Well, I feel like I talk about the ADHD aspect of it. I wanna hear about the autism aspect of it. Like, what, what are your thoughts on, on autism being a superpower.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I've said it before that. You ever seen the show Shark Tank?

[Kristen Carter]

Love that show.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Could you walk into Shark Tank and give a presentation on this is autism? This is what it does for you. This is what you might struggle with. This is my. What you might have strengths in. Would you like to buy it? Could you get someone to buy it? Could you get someone to agree? Yeah, that sounds great. I would love for that to be my experience. Pile that on, please.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

No. No one would buy autism. No one would want that if they didn't already have that. And if they said that they would, they're nuts because they don't understand what it works. Right.

[Kristen Carter]

Or they don't actually. They're not actually. Maybe it's someone who isn't autistic or isn't ADHD saying, oh, but it's a superpower. It's a super. It's like, you don't know what I am living with. It's not for you to label it a superpower.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

And a lot of autistic people themselves will call it a superpower. And I think that I have mixed feelings on that. I think people do what they've got to do to cope. In the same way that I don't demand specificity from people who I know can't, you know, narrow down broad questions. I really don't say anything to autistic people who say, well, my autism is a superpower, because if that's what they need to move through this world and not hate themselves, whatever. Yeah, you know, that's not how I see it and that's not kind of how I approach it in my interactions with the community. But if individuals have to kind of put it that way in their own minds to have some measurable amount of self acceptance or self love, that's just where they are. And that's okay.

[Kristen Carter]

Why? You just spoke to it beautifully. I think about this a lot. Why do we think that we need to label something like ADHD or autism as a superpower? I don't understand that perspective. Because we don't look at other diagnoses, disorders as superpowers. Like, we don't. It's like, I have depression, but it's my superpower. It's like we, we don't try to place that kind of like pretty bow or like gift wrap. Like I have this thing and I'm just gonna like put this pretty paper around it and call it a superpower. We don't do that with other diagnosis diagnoses. Why do you think it is autism and ADHD that get that?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Just the pervasive nature of those conditions that there's no separation of. Well, it's not like, you know, my legs don't work, but I'm really excellent at these 10 other things. There is no separation. It affects every aspect of your being. There is no way to separate it. So it has to be a superpower. Because if it can't be turned off here in this context or. I'm really good at this absent of it, there is no absence of it. It could not be. There's no. I feel like I'm, like, getting lost in the sauce here, but I am with you. Yeah. It's the pervasive nature of those conditions that there is absolutely no separation. And because of that, it has to be a superpower, because it is me. That's who I am. And if who I am is just a bundle of deficits, that doesn't really lend itself to self acceptance. Gosh. That's why.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep. I appreciate you clarifying that because I have questioned it for so long. And I think you're absolutely right because.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

We see it in down syndrome, too. Like other. Other conditions that are similar, there are facets of people who are, oh, this is my superpower. My person is super and inspirational and wonderful and everything is great with them. I think a lot of times it is those conditions, the pervasive.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, so you seem like someone who really accepts herself. I'm making a judgment. I don't know if that's actually true, but let's just go with that. As someone who's just like, this is who I am. They're. I have strengths, I have weaknesses. How. How can you. Like, how would you help someone to accept themself and not label it a superpower? Like, how can someone with adhd, let's say ADHD specifically. How can someone with ADHD accept themselves but still recognize, like, okay, I have this. I have this diagnosis, and it comes with a lot of challenges.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think the word I want to use is not a word that is going to be well received. I don't know that I'm able to generate a different word, though.

[Kristen Carter]

I want to encourage you to use whatever word feels most accurate for you. And no one is going to be judging, oh, yes, they are.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Okay. Have you met the Internet?

[Kristen Carter]

No one gets to judge. And if you do, Kristen Carter's coming for you.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think brokenness and morality are completely separate. I mean, I kind of come circling back to physical disabilities. If you have a body Part that doesn't function as it's meant to. That doesn't mean you're a terrible person because you don't have the use of your arms or legs. If certain parts of my brain don't do the things that I would really, really like for them to do, that doesn't mean I'm a terrible, horrible person.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You know, those things are not related in the slightest.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And every human presents with certain strengths and certain weaknesses. That's something for myself even. Just the other day, I made a really stupid calendar blunder. And when that happens, because I have drama about time management and, like, a whole story around that, my natural inclination is to be like, I'm so stupid. Like this, like, ADHD is just, like biting me in the butt here, blah, blah, blah. And my husband was like, you're just a human. Like, every human makes mistakes. And like, okay, everyone knows that. Like, no shit. But to be told that by another human was so regulating for me, this doesn't necessarily have to be ADHD's fault. It could just be like, you just have to.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

It just happens.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, you have to have the calendar. And everyone does that. Right. So, yes, for me, like, time management is more of an issue. But in this one instance, I don't have to spiral down and make it mean anything about my morality or my character, even though it meant that I, like, ghosted a friend because I didn't put the thing in the right place because of all the different Google Calendars in Google Calendar. Hello, Anyone? Any. Do you have Google Calendar? Do you color code it? It's just a whole thing for me. And I'm usually like, I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms, coping skills, and I'm adapting. But I ghosted a friend last week and I just spiraled because of it. And to be like. For my husband to just be like, yeah, that was just a human error that doesn't necessarily have to be connected to your morality or even your ADHD was so helpful. I know you didn't want to use the word. I'm not going to say it, but I think that it's so true that, like, any neurodivergence or any like, divergence in what is typical does not have to be connected to morality or character. And that for me is what has been so helpful just with having an ADHD diagnosis is noticing what is a symptom and what is actually my character. Because before I was diagnosed, I was like, I suck at time management. I'm so forgetful. I guess I don't care about people because I forget their birthdays. I never am going to remember your birthday. So does that mean that I don't care? Does that mean that I just like, I'm a callous person or maybe I'm a narcissist but like realizing like, oh, this is adhd, there are symptoms and then there's my character. Two different things. So I think that for me has been the like best thing for my self acceptance.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Kristen Carter]

You don't have to respond.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know that it needs a response. I think that was well said.

[Kristen Carter]

What do you think is harmful about saying that ADHD or autism is a superpower? Why does it get you annoyed? Like what? Why does it get you fired up?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Oh God, it's a lot to sift through there, buddy.

[Kristen Carter]

You want me to make it more specific?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't, like, I don't know, like I don't know. I don't know. It's just hard to pinpoint, I guess. Why? I mean, sure, fact, you know, incorrect information is annoying, Right, Agreed. You know, like if somebody were to get an animal fact wrong that you know is not correct, you would feel compelled to be like, actually it's whatever. I have worked really hard to hinder my. Actually it's, you know, because nobody really likes that. Everybody is kind of on their own journey. So when I do see that, I more or less try to inhibit.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, me too. When, when people comment like, well, it is a superpower for me and blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, great, yeah, good for you.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That's, that's your journey. We are not the same.

[Kristen Carter]

We are not the same. But what I struggle with the most is if somebody is in a position of power or an educator or some in that kind of role talking about it, that's when I get enraged and I don't have as much acceptance for their experience because that's when I'm just like, no, it's a public display of.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Lack of understanding and that should be embarrassing for them.

[Kristen Carter]

Exactly. And what I love to say is that everyone has superpowers, but why are you giving ADHD credit for the good stuff that you're doing? Like, don't delegate that credit. Don't give it credit. You take credit for it because that's like, you're amazing, you have a great person or like you're funny, whatever. You can hyper focus or different things, you take credit for that. Don't give that credit to adhd.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, I like that.

[Kristen Carter]

What do you feel like Autism comes. Or do you personally. Let me just make it so specific. Do you, from your perspective, see strengths that come with your autism, your flavor?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Would you like to name them?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think I mentioned it before. Just my precision in communication, my ability to kind of figure out what is widely known and what information still needs to be discussed and how to discuss that in a way that's easily understandable but not so basic that it's like, okay, we've heard that before.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You know, like, we've all heard autism means different, not less. That's great. But, like, we've got to expand beyond the buzzwords and the. And the, you know, catchy phrases if we're going to affect meaningful change.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

And I think I have the ability to do that really, really well. And a lot of people in this kind of same in our. In our community, both clinically and personally and just whoever has involvement, I find that they tend to struggle with that. To be able to figure out which information do we need to know and how do we present it in a way that's easily digestible for everybody? And how do we delete all the clinical jargon from it so that we're not talking over people's heads? Because that, to me, is absolutely unacceptable on social media, for sure.

[Kristen Carter]

So are you surprised that so many people resonate with your content or are you kind of like, yeah, that makes so much sense.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

No, I get why they like it.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, that's good. I'm really glad you answered that way. Not that you had to, but like. Yeah, because that's exactly what you do. You distill it down to the fundamental facts, but it is still very relatable. And I just appreciate how you do pick and choose, like, the most important things to share. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me what you mean by. Okay, let's talk about autism acceptance. And you said your autism acceptance doesn't count if it goes away the moment an autistic person does an autistic thing.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yep.

[Kristen Carter]

What you mean by that?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I said that?

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, you did. Your autist. Your autism acceptance doesn't count if it goes away the moment an autistic person does an autistic thing. Is there, like, a specific scenario that came about that made you. You wanna talk about it? You wanna talk about a little bit?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah. So that was from a Roleplay video I did where I reenacted some common behaviors amongst folks who are on the spectrum but have maybe more significant language impairments.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

And struggle more with communication than I do. And people had a really Hard time. Because when I wrote those role plays, I guess to backtrack, I think when we see role play videos or skits relating to autism online, almost always the person who has autism is the one who is in the less favorable position. They are kind of maybe being bullied or dismissed by someone else. They're not being believed by someone else. They're always in the position of the good guy. And not that I am seeing it as good guy, bad guy, but when I write these skits, it's gonna be a little bit ambiguous. It's not gonna be that the autistic person was 100% in the right. Maybe they did do something inappropriate. And so I had a roleplay example of someone who felt some biological urges and put their hands in their pants in the middle of a library.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That's not cool. No one wants to watch you do that. Pretty sure it's illegal, actually. Yeah. But that is an autistic thing to do. Not understanding the context and where that behavior is appropriate and how to inhibit that in the moment and how to plan for the next. Like, there's a lot of skills that go into that that many autistic people do not have. And so sticking your hands in your pants in the library, not knowing that that's not an appropriate place for your hands to be is an autistic thing. Now, am I saying that all autistic people put their hands in their pants in the library? No, obviously I'm not. But I do have to give those disclaimers because the Internet is a wild place. So hearing that sound might. They might think, oh, my God, Caitlin thinks all autistic people masturbate in the library. That is not at all what I'm saying.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

What I'm saying is that is an example of an autistic thing that is not going to be met with acceptance. And I'm certainly not suggesting that because they're autistic we should accept their behavior. That's not what I'm suggesting either. I'm just simply saying you can't decide that. Oh, my God. This is the most disgusting, vile, pedophile person I've ever seen in my entire life. Because this behavior is inappropriate. I don't do this as an autistic person. Therefore, you shouldn't either. That's not how this works.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep. Considering that scenario that you presented, how do we show acceptance of the person without showing acceptance for the behavior?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I think for the person, we need to work on teaching strategies we need to work on. There's all these skills we can work on in the moment and there's ways we can redirect and kind of stop that behavior if it does happen.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

But for people to say, well, that's not autism because my child knows better or I know better, that's where it's a problem. That's where you're absolutely 100% wrong.

[Kristen Carter]

And you get comments like that constantly.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Or another roleplay example I did that they had a really hard time with was I was kind of reenacting a scenario with a person who does have adequate language and communication ability, somebody who's really language abled but still has an autism diagnosis. So again, understanding certain social rules relating to context is going to be hard for them. And so they come in and in this example, this is like an older child, like a teenager commenting on someone's weight and being really, really fat phobic. And maybe it's out of concern for the person, oh, my God, they're going to die of a heart attack if they don't get their habits in check. Or maybe it just really is an unkind statement to make. In any case, they might not know why. That's hurtful.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That doesn't mean they should be allowed to walk around saying fat phobic things. That's not cool. But that is part of autism as well. Whether your child knows not to say things like that, whether you know not to say things like that is not my point. My point is this is still autism and it still should be responded to with teaching and guidance. Maybe some correction, but not the really abrasive reaction that everybody likes to have online.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. I really appreciate you sharing that. And I just want to say to all of the people commenting on your videos, just be cool and good luck with that. Just be cool. Just.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

That is not their specialty.

[Kristen Carter]

Thank you so much for being here. This is really fun. I had a great time.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I had a great time.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm glad you had a great time too, listeners. We took a break and ate Jersey Mike's. It was great.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

It was great.

[Kristen Carter]

I had an Italian sub. What did you have?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I had hot honey chicken because I learned recently that I actually like spicy food.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. Okay. I love that. I want to give you an opportunity to tell us where to find you. Where can we get more of Kailyn Partlow? So let's start there. Where are you in the world? I'm everywhere.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook.

[Kristen Carter]

Love it.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Wherever you are, I am.

[Kristen Carter]

And your book, Life on the Bridge. That Is some exciting news friends. Do you want me to break it?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yes, please do.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. This is a drum roll. I'm gonna break. The exciting news. Book has been picked up by a publisher, HarperCollins, and they're going to be, like, republishing it under their label. And now it's going to be available absolutely everywhere.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

With a new cover?

[Kristen Carter]

With a new cover. Tell me about the look.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

I don't know if I can't.

[Kristen Carter]

Tell me about your hair.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Which part? On the COVID Oh, yeah, it's pretty. All right.

[Kristen Carter]

Is it cute?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, it's cute. Oh, my gosh.

[Kristen Carter]

Excited. Okay, that's great.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

So it's very bright. It's like, like, like it's not neon, but it's like, hit you in the face bright, but, like, with a hug, not a slap.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes, but are we talking about your hair or the COVID in general?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. What?

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Both.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay. I love it. Oh, my gosh, that's so great. So everyone go buy Kailyn's book, especially this new edition. I think that's gonna be really great. And there's gonna be an audiobook and.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

There'S new material in the book, so if you already read it, you get to read it again. But there's new stuff in there, so you, like, won't rem. Cause there's new stuff.

[Kristen Carter]

Everyone go buy our book. Life on the bridge. Or the audiobook.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, there's gonna be an audiobook which.

[Kristen Carter]

We may or may not be reading ourselves, and we're still not.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, we don't know about that yet. We'll see.

[Kristen Carter]

And it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Either way, the ability to listen rather than sit and read, I think is something that is very accessible for us. So thank you for that. I really appreciate having you. Thanks for being on.

[Kaelyn Partlow]

Yeah, thanks for having me.

[Kristen Carter]

Hey, adhder, I.

You see. See you.

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