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I Have ADHD Podcast
349 BITESIZE |Stop Making Everyone Else Comfortable: Waking Up to Unequal Relationships
00:13:25
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This podcast is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that afternoon slump that hits around 2 or 3pm where your brain's like, oh, we're done here. Well, for my ADHD brain, that's the.
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Hardest part of my day.
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That's why I drink Cure Energy every afternoon. It's a clean plant based energy drink mix with natural caffeine and electrolytes so I get a boost and stay hydrated. No jitters, no crash, and just enough energy to get through the rest of the day without feeling like a zombie. And if you're like me and you don't drink enough water, Cure actually makes it easy and enjoyable.
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It tastes really good.
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My favorite flavors right now are peach tea and acai berry. They're crisp, not overly sweet, and they don't taste fake like a lot of other energy drinks. You know what I'm saying? Here's the thing. Staying hydrated isn't just about drinking water. You also need electrolytes, especially if you're low on dopamine and running on caffeine. That's why I love Cure. It's, it's clean, it works and I actually look forward to drinking it. For I have ADHD listeners. You can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about Cure right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don't just drink more, upgrade it with Cure.
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Why choose a Sleep number Smart bed?
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Can I make my site softer? Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?
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Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side your Sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. And now max out your savings. The more you buy, the more you save on beds, bases and more. Plus get free home delivery on any smart bed with base limited time. Check it out at a Sleep Number store near you or@sleepnumber.com today.
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Foreign.
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Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are.
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Listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast.
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I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll.
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This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHD years just, just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener.
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Think of this as your midweek pick me up.
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It's Thursday, y'.
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All. Friday is right around the corner.
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If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.
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Hi, my name is Paula and I am calling from Alabama. However, I am from Georgia, so go dogs. But my question, or actually my statement, is that I have been dealing with mental illness for a very long time, throughout most of my life, and just was diagnosed with adult ADHD later in life. And my question is, is it common for people suffering with ADHD to always try to be accommodating to the people around them, to be making everyone else around myself comfortable instead of the other way around? I just, I find that I have to make other people comfortable to be around me. And then as I have grown and had medication change, that has helped extremely well with my own bipolar and adhd. Brayla has changed my whole thought process into thinking that I don't have to accommodate anybody. I'm not here to make anyone else comfortable. If they want to be around me, then that's their choice. But it's not my job to make other people feel comfortable.
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Paula, what a question. I love it. I love your accent, too. Paula is so, so warm and comforting. Absolutely love it. Thanks for calling in. Okay, so here's why I placed this voicemail right here in this specific spot, because we are going to be talking now about this very topic. And what I want to say to you, Paula, is I'm so proud of you for getting to a place where you realize that you've been working your whole life to make everyone around you comfortable. And I can just kind of like, picture you looking around now like, excuse me, who's here making me comfy? Who's here making me comfy? And. And why am I the one with the responsibility to make everyone else comfortable? And I think the point that I just want to get across is I do believe, believe that this is very common in the ADHD experience. And I do believe that it is connected to our relational wounding, to our upbringing, to our various traumatic experiences, to our rejection sensitivity, and our experiences of rejection throughout our infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, et cetera, et cetera. And so it makes sense that we finally enter, like, adulthood. And, and we want to make other people comfortable in order for them to accept us, in order for them to love us, in order for them to be happy and pleased. With us in order for us to get our needs met. Some of you grew up in families where you literally had to make the people around you comfortable or your needs were not met. Your emotional needs, your physical needs, your needs for connection, they. They would not be met if you did not make other people comfortable. So I think that, yes, this is common, but what I sense in you now is a little defiance, and I love that. And what I just wanna throw out there is that I encourage you to find relationships that are mutually accommodating. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm never accommodating the other person. I want to accommodate the people that I love. But I want the same kindness to be afford to me. I want to make sure that I'm not the only one being accommodating. I'm not the only one trying to make people feel comfortable. I'm happy to do that for people that I love. Happy to, but not if it's not reciprocated, not if it's just all on me, not if I'm the only one having to do it. And so I would just really encourage you, Paula, and others that relate to Paula to begin to seek out relationships where there's a lot more mutuality, where there's a lot more reciprocity, there's a lot more back and forth of like, acceptance, but also accommodation. Like, you know, in, in a marriage, in a friendship with my kids, like, there's. There's times when it's so appropriate to accommodate and it's so appropriate to make sure that the other person is comfortable. But not always at my own expense. And not if it's just me doing that for them. Like, what about the mutuality here? What about the back and forth? What about the reciprocity? So I just wanna make the point here that I think we can be mutually accommodating. But if you are finding yourself, if you're kind of waking up, which I think so many of us do, we wake up in relationships. You said you're on a new medication. It's really changed everything. You have so much more awareness. And so now you're kind of like waking up. You're looking around and you're like, what is going on? Like, I'm the only one being accommodating. Okay, that's inappropriate. We don't want that. We want to be in relationships that are much more mutual than that. And so I just want to encourage you to begin to find relationships and friendships where there's reciprocity which just means, like an equality, a back and forth where there's mutual accommodation. Thank you so much for calling in, Paula. And this sets us up so perfectly for the next couple things we're going to talk about. If you want your question answered on the pod, call 833-281-2343. Don't worry, we're going to pop that into the show notes too, so you don't have to remember that. Paula. Thank you. Because this leads us into number eight. Explore some therapy or emotional healing content. Um, y', all, if you have adhd, you've had some trauma in your life. I never identified as somebody who had trauma. I never identified as somebody who was from a dysfunctional family. I never identified as somebody who. Who had any issues in those areas. And then I went to therapy. Then I went to therapy and I realized how. How difficult I had actually had it. And even if we take out family dysfunction, even if you're just somebody with ADHD who has existed in a neurotypical world for decades, you have absolutely struggled in a way that others haven't. And you deserve some support. You deserve to explore your story with a professional through the lens of emotional health. I know that not everyone has access to therapy, but if you do, listen to me. If you have money, spend it on therapy. Please, I'm begging you. If you have money, spend it on figuring out how to be emotionally healthy. Spend it on figuring out your childhood story. Raise your hand if you don't remember your childhood. Okay, now I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you that that for many therapists is a huge red flag that you had some major trauma, that your childhood was so overwhelming that you actually had to detach from the experiences. I know that was a bait and switch, and that was really not fair of me to do, but I wanted to prove a point that so many of us who don't identify as having trauma, which is anything that overwhelms the nervous system and anything that we're unable to cope with. So many of us don't identify as having difficult childhoods. But if you don't remember your childhood, it's a. I'm stumbling over my words because this is so important. If you don't remember your childhood, it's an indicator that you actually had a very difficult childhood. And so I just want to encourage you to spend time and energy exploring your story within a therapeutic relationship. Now, there's reason why this is number eight on the list. I'm not saying you can't start with this, you might want to start with this, but I want to say to you, I would have never been able to function in a therapist's office if I wasn't already medicated for adhd. I would have not had the patience for that. I wouldn't have been able to function in therapist's office if I wasn't already taking care of my basic needs and doing some baseline ADHD like semi functioning. I didn't start going to therapy until I was mid functioning. It did help me move into high functioning, it helps me move from mid range functioning into high functioning. But I would have never personally, I personally would have never been able to engage in a, in a true therapeutic relationship at a low functioning level. And so I just want to explain to you that this is why I have this much later in the list to help us move from mid range functioning to much higher functioning. I will say that if we can tackle the first like six, seven things on this list, if we can get to the point where we're diagnosed and treated and moving our bodies and covering our basic needs and downloading our thoughts and able to observe what we're thinking and regulating our emotions, et cetera, et cetera, that's like a good mid functioning range. But if you want to move into high functioning, you're going to have to explore your relationships and this is scary, this is hard. If you truly want to be a high functioning person with adhd, you're going to have to explore your childhood, your relationships, your story. And so I just, I want to encourage you for those of you who kind of can identify yourself in the middle of the road in your like mid functioning range, if you want to move to high functioning, begin to explore your relationships. I just get so passionate about this. This is why I'm writing a book on relationships and ADHD and Such good news to share. I literally just accepted a book deal, so this book is happening. I'm so excited, I will share much more. But on my birthday May 1, I accepted a book deal and we will be writing this book. We. By we I mean me. I'm gonna be writing a book on ADHD and relationships. And the reason why this is so important is because this is one of the missing pieces to the puzzle of becoming a high functioning person. I just wanna let you know that if you don't have access to therapy, a great resource on YouTube and Instagram is Patrick Tehan. He's an amazing resource. He has a ton of videos. I also believe that he has like a community where he helps people who struggle. And so Patrick Tien, the last name is T E h A N on YouTube. He has so many videos that are helpful in understanding just like toxic families and childhood trauma and emotional health. So I highly, highly recommend foreign thanks for listening to this bite size episode.
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Of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find.
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A link to the full episode in the show notes.
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And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for.
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Tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to to talk to you again next week. Bye bye.