Podcast Summary: "Stop Making Everyone Else Comfortable: Waking Up to Unequal Relationships"

Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode: 349 BITESIZE | November 6, 2025

Episode Overview

In this bitesize episode, host Kristen Carder addresses the common pattern among adults with ADHD of excessively accommodating others—often at the expense of their own comfort and needs. Through a listener voicemail, Kristen explores the roots of this pattern, why it persists, and empowering ways to rebalance relationships. She also highlights the importance of mutuality in accommodating behaviors and encourages emotional healing through therapy or self-exploration. The episode’s tone is friendly, direct, and affirming.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Voicemail: The Pressure to Accommodate

[02:46-04:08]

• Caller (Paula from Alabama):
  Shares her lifelong struggle with mental health, being diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder as an adult. After starting medication, she began questioning why she always tries to make everyone else comfortable, realizing she doesn’t have to accommodate others at her own expense.
  • Quote:
    "I find that I have to make other people comfortable to be around me. As I have grown and had medication change...I don’t have to accommodate anybody. I’m not here to make anyone else comfortable." – Paula [03:18]

2. Kristen’s Response: It’s a Common ADHD Experience

[04:08-08:00]

• Kristen validates Paula’s feelings and affirms that this is a widespread experience for people with ADHD, often stemming from:
  • Relational wounding
  • Upbringing/childhood trauma
  • Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD)
• Insight:
  Many ADHDers grew up in environments where they had to smooth social waters or risk not getting their needs met.
• Quote:
  "Some of you grew up in families where you literally had to make the people around you comfortable or your needs were not met." – Kristen [05:14]

3. Shifting Toward Mutual Accommodation in Relationships

[06:00-08:50]

• Kristen stresses the importance of reciprocity in relationships, instead of one-sidedness.
  • Quote:
    "I want to accommodate the people that I love. But I want the same kindness to be afforded to me. I want to make sure that I’m not the only one being accommodating." – Kristen [06:42]
• Encourages listeners to "wake up" to imbalanced dynamics and seek relationships with mutual give-and-take.
• Memorable Metaphor:
  Kristen jokes about "looking around" and asking: "Who’s here making me comfy?" [04:42]

4. The Role of Therapy and Emotional Healing

[08:50-14:15]

• Kristen advises that exploring one’s emotional history (especially childhood experiences) is crucial for moving from "mid-functioning" to "high-functioning" as an adult with ADHD.
  • Quote:
    "If you have money, spend it on therapy. Please, I’m begging you. Spend it on figuring out how to be emotionally healthy." – Kristen [10:23]
• Many with ADHD may not realize they’ve experienced trauma, especially if they don’t recall childhood memories—a red flag for past overwhelm.
  • Quote:
    "If you don’t remember your childhood, it’s an indicator that you actually had a very difficult childhood." – Kristen [11:22]
• Therapy is listed as step 8 in Kristen’s broader framework for functioning with ADHD, emphasizing its role in later stages of healing, once foundational needs are met.

5. Resource Recommendation and Personal News

[13:45-14:30]

• For those without access to formal therapy, Kristen recommends resources by Patrick Tehan (YouTube/Instagram) on family dysfunction and trauma.
• Kristen shares personal excitement about her upcoming book on ADHD and relationships, following her new book deal.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I’m not here to make anyone else comfortable. If they want to be around me, then that’s their choice. But it’s not my job to make other people feel comfortable.” – Paula [03:32]
• "I think we can be mutually accommodating. But if you are finding yourself, if you’re kind of waking up...and you’re like, ‘I’m the only one being accommodating!’ Okay, that’s inappropriate." – Kristen [07:18]
• "If you don’t remember your childhood, it’s an indicator that you actually had a very difficult childhood." – Kristen [11:22]
• "I just get so passionate about this. This is why I’m writing a book on relationships and ADHD." – Kristen [13:37]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:46-04:08 – Paula’s voicemail: questioning her tendency to accommodate
• 04:08-08:00 – Kristen’s explanation on why ADHDers are prone to this pattern
• 08:50-14:15 – The importance of therapy, signs of childhood trauma, moving from mid- to high-functioning ADHD living
• 13:45-14:30 – Resources for emotional healing; announcement of upcoming book

Tone & Style

• Encouraging and Direct: Kristen’s approach is supportive but honest, urging listeners to value themselves and seek healthier relationship dynamics.
• Relatable: Uses humor ("Who’s here making me comfy?") and real talk ("Raise your hand if you don’t remember your childhood.")
• Practical: Offers tangible next steps—seek mutuality in relationships, consider therapy, and access free online resources.

Further Resources

• Listener Voicemail Line: 833-281-2343
• Patrick Tehan (YouTube/Instagram)
• Link to Full Episode: Provided in the show notes

Conclusion

This episode distills a powerful message for adults with ADHD: Stop assuming sole responsibility for everyone’s comfort. Instead, seek balanced, caring relationships where kindness and accommodation are mutual. For further healing and personal growth, Kristen recommends prioritizing emotional health and, where possible, engaging in therapy or therapeutic communities.