356 Tech Jobs + ADHD Minds: How David Made It Work

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 356: Tech Jobs + ADHD Minds—How David Made It Work

Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: David Wake
Date: December 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features a candid conversation between host Kristen Carder and guest David Wake, a longtime member of the FOCUSED ADHD coaching community, software engineer, and ADHD coach. The episode explores David’s journey from receiving an adult ADHD diagnosis in the 1990s to building a successful career in Silicon Valley tech, all while navigating the characteristic challenges (and gifts) of ADHD. Together, Kristen and David dig into topics like rejection and self-acceptance, the ADHD experience in tech, self-trust and emotional regulation, and how coaching changed David’s sense of self-worth. It’s an episode full of warmth, community, and hard-earned insights for anyone struggling to make ADHD work in their professional and personal lives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. David's ADHD Diagnosis Journey (04:22–12:00)

• Context: David was diagnosed as an adult in graduate school (1997/98), rare for that era.
• In England: Sought help but was told to "pull yourself together, try harder." (05:00)
  • Quote, David [05:07]: “I went for help there, and they just told me, you know, pull yourself together, try harder, the usual stuff.”
• In the U.S.: The approach was different—he was quickly identified as likely having ADHD.

Memorable Moment:

• Kristen (07:06): Reflects on how crushing it is to ask for help and be dismissed:
  • “It hurts my heart. That hurts my heart.”
• David’s resilience: Despite repeated invalidation, he sought support again when moving to California.

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2. Transition from Academia to Tech (12:00–17:10)

• Dropped out of graduate school: Couldn’t finish writing a PhD.
• Landed in Silicon Valley: Found relief in the tech world, realizing he could “survive there in a job.”
  • Quote, David [12:28]: “I think it was a relief to find that I could survive there in a job.”
• Software engineering as a fit: Rewarding due to instant feedback and stimulation, but not without challenges.

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3. ADHD in the Tech Workplace (17:00–23:00)

• David’s experience:
  • Difficulty when lacking understanding or confidence early in his career.
  • Tendency to “fake it ‘til you make it,” but at times digging himself into deeper holes.
  • Fear of asking for help due to perceived risk of being seen as a failure or impostor.
  • Growth in confidence was essential for admitting gaps and seeking assistance.

Notable Quote

• David [19:35]: “Because otherwise you’re afraid of being seen as a failure or an imposter.”
• Role of internal narrative: Never felt unfairly treated by others, but self-doubt was a major hurdle.

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4. Finding Internal Peace and Community (21:14–23:00, 31:00–36:00)

• Through coaching (FOCUSED):
  • Developed self-acceptance and learned to see himself as worthy of respect.
  • Realized community was essential to feeling less inadequate.
  • Coaching opened up “a whole side of me that was kind of frozen.” [33:51]

Memorable Quotes

• David [21:44]: “I think it’s being able to view yourself as someone who’s worthy of some degree of respect.”
• Kristen [32:29]: “Not only are you not inadequate, but you very early on began supporting people within the community…”

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5. Tech Tools, AI, and Coping Strategies (22:41–24:51)

• AI as an ADHD tool: ChatGPT and similar tools now indispensable for tech workers and ADHDers.
• David’s approach: Uses ChatGPT as a “voice to talk to” and for problem-solving, not just technical tasks but also daily planning (e.g., sightseeing in Philly).
  • Quote, David [23:50]: “It sounds strange, but often just as a… almost a voice to talk to. Just having that interaction can make everything so different mentally.”

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6. ADHD Symptom Profiles and Social Life (26:53–30:00)

• David: Inattentive type; describes losing the thread in conversations, zoning out in noisy social gatherings.
• Kristen: Contrasts as more hyperactive, seeking dopamine by becoming the center of attention.

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7. Biggest ADHD Barriers at Work (29:12–30:26)

• Challenges:
  • Following complex or lengthy instructions.
  • Tendency to skip steps or need to double back.
  • Reading comprehension issues—often rereads content for focus.

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8. Learning About ADHD and Path to Coaching (30:26–41:10)

• Sparse early education: "One sheet of paper" at time of diagnosis, no podcasts or resources.
• Entry into coaching: A career coach noted his ADHD struggles, which led him to seek ADHD-specific coaching.
• Community engagement: Found Focused crucial, joined all calls, and began supporting others—naturally evolved into coaching.

Memorable Moment

• Kristen [33:06]: “You just said I wanted more than once a week, and you went out and found it.”

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9. Impact of Coaching and Emotional Regulation (41:10–47:00)

• Self-coaching: Finds it more difficult to coach self than others; useful to frame situations as if helping another person.
• Emotional regulation: Grew up without focus on emotions (“There was quite a bit of yelling”). Now recognizes and addresses low points (“finding a place of more warmth”).
  • Quote, David [44:33]: “I'm able to try to, I think, talk to myself. To find a place of more warmth.”

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10. Key ADHD Themes in Coaching Others (37:32–38:48)

• Common struggles: Sleep issues, especially trouble going to bed and waking up (“revenge bedtime procrastination”), are nearly universal among ADHDers.
• David’s difference: Helping others, especially those in emotional distress, brings personal fulfillment.

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11. Self-Trust and Receiving Support (38:48–41:10)

• Building self-trust: Grew confidence to do things like traveling solo and podcasting through encouragement from trusted community members.
• The importance of validation: Leaning on feedback from wise, supportive people as a form of self-trust.

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12. Transition to Coaching Career (36:01–37:04, 47:43–End)

• Training: Completed multiple programs and found coaching within Focused especially rewarding.
• Style: Calm, warm, and validating—particularly adept at supporting emotional regulation in clients.
• Contact: Runs “David Wake ADHD Coaching” for individual coaching sessions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (With Timestamps)

• [05:07] David: "I went for help there, and they just told me, you know, pull yourself together, try harder, the usual stuff."
• [19:35] David: "Because otherwise you're afraid of being seen as a failure or an imposter."
• [21:44] David: "I think it's being able to view yourself as someone who's worthy of some degree of respect."
• [23:50] David: "It sounds strange, but often just as a… almost a voice to talk to."
• [33:51] David: "It feels like it's just opened up a whole side of me that I think was kind of frozen."
• [44:33] David: "I'm able to try to, I think, talk to myself. To find a place of more warmth."

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Time | Topic/Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 04:22 | David’s diagnosis story; differences in U.K. and U.S. responses | | 12:00 | Dropping out of grad school, transition into tech | | 17:00 | ADHD in Silicon Valley: feedback, challenges, impostor syndrome | | 22:41 | AI tools like ChatGPT as support for ADHD life and work | | 26:53 | Inattentive ADHD traits and their impact | | 29:12 | Barriers in tech: instructions, reading, following through | | 30:26 | Learning about ADHD—lack of early info, move to coaching | | 32:16 | The role of community in self-worth and professional growth | | 37:32 | Most common coaching topics with ADHD clients: sleep problems | | 41:10 | Self-trust, coaching yourself, and importance of outside validation | | 44:33 | Emotional regulation: confronting emptiness with warmth | | 47:43 | Most rewarding aspects of being an ADHD coach |

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• Permission to seek help: David’s journey shows the importance—and the difficulty—of reaching out and asking for the support needed.
• Significance of community: ADHDers thrive in spaces where they feel understood and accepted, which can catalyze transformation.
• Coaching as empowerment: Both Kristen and David emphasize that community-based coaching leads to deeper self-trust, resilience, and the ability to help others.
• Technology as a tool, not a threat: AI is framed as a supportive force for handling daily tasks and executive function challenges.
• Self-acceptance is a journey: The episode closes with a heartwarming reminder: transformation is possible at any stage of life, and it’s never too late to discover self-worth and make a meaningful impact.

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Contact David:
Website: David Wake ADHD Coaching

"It feels like maybe this is where maybe in an ideal world I could have spent my whole life doing this."
— David [36:01]

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Host closing note: Kristen highly recommends David as a coach for adults with ADHD, highlighting his warmth, wisdom, and significant contributions within their community.

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For listeners: If you resonate with David’s story or Kristen’s coaching philosophy, check out the Focused community at ihaveadhd.com/focused.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it's all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I'm your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential and move from point point A to point B. Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you've tuned in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. Happy, happy, happy Tuesday everyone. Welcome in. Come in, come in. Get cozy, get comfy. It is a blustery fall day in Philly today. Winter happened like overnight. I don't know what happened but it is freezing cold. My guest is from California, so. Oh my goodness. I apologize for the Philly we but we're gonna be talking today about all things tech and adhd. What is it like working in tech, having adhd? I'm here with friend of the focused ADHD program, David Wake and he has been an integral part of our membership for the last three years. I can't wait for you to hear from him. He trained as a coach and is now coaching adults with ADHD. And his journey over the last couple years has been one that I have been so hon honored and privileged to watch. It is just like I said this to Sarah when she was here and I feel the same way that it's like kind of mama bear energy, like being able to watch someone's ADHD journey and, and, and before my very eyes, watch them evolve and grow and develop into someone that is the same but maybe more of themselves maybe different than they were before. It is just such an honor. If you love this conversation, don't forget to like this video. Subscribe to the CH if you're listening. If you're an OG listener listening on Spotify or Apple, I love you. Thank you for being here. Please press that review button. Please press that. What is it? The, the rating button. Give that, give that little pot a five star rating because your girl needs some dopamine. She needs some dopamine once in a while. And that like watching those little rating numbers go up like little by little by little, it makes my heart sing. It really, really does. I'm so glad you're here with me today. You're not going to waste your time by listening to this episode. I know that this is going to be an hour in which you feel seen you, you are Seeing yourself reflected in someone else's story. And I think that that is one of the most valuable parts of these interviews is being able to see your adhd. Messy, chaotic, like, rollercoaster y self. Reflect it in someone else and know that you're not alone. Know that you're not the only one. Know that you're not the only chaotic brain on the block. So with that, I would like to introduce you to my guest, David Wake. David is a software engineer. He's from California, and he is braving the cold in Philly today. He's been in focus for three years. He is trained as a coach and is now coaching adults with adhd. He's here to share his story with with us. David, thanks for making the trip.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It's so fun to have you here. I reached out to you, I don't know, a couple months ago and was like, you should come on the pod. And what was your internal reaction when I did that?

[B]

Terror.

[A]

Terror. Like, no, don't make me do this. But you got on a plane and you flew into Philly and you stayed near Rittenhouse Square, which is just. I was like, oh, that's the perfect place to stay. And it's like 37 degrees out and blustery. How are you faring the colds?

[B]

Well, I'd like to thank my wife for making me bring a jacket. I should have brought a scarf and gloves as well, but a jacket will suffice.

[A]

A jacket will suffice. Let's just start with your ADHD story. What has your journey been like? When were you diagnosed with ADHD?

[B]

So I was diagnosed in graduate school in 1997 or 8.

[A]

That's pretty impressive because not many adults were getting diagnosed in the 90s.

[B]

Looking back, I think I was quite lucky. So, obviously I came from England originally. Then I went to California for graduate school, and I'd had difficulties back in England, and I went for help there, and they just told me, you know, pull yourself together, try harder, the usual stuff. And when I came to California, I had the same issues, and I asked for help there, too, and they took one look at me and they said, you probably have adhd.

[A]

Love it. That makes me so happy. I'm curious, what were the issues that you were having? Like, take me back to your days in England when you were thinking, I think there's something going on. I really could use some help. What symptoms were presenting?

[B]

Well, I think I've always had symptoms back to when I was a kid, not being able to sit still, talking Back to teachers, things like that. But I think when I went to college, obviously, the lack of structure makes things a lot harder. And I also had a lot of responsibilities outside academics. I was on a musical scholarship, too, so I had to kind of organize a lot of musical activity. So all of that together taxed my executive function skills way beyond breaking point. So, yeah, that was when I really saw things start to fall apart a bit.

[A]

And what did it look like when things were falling apart? Like, were you getting bad grades or were you missing deadlines or disappointment of friends? Like, everything?

[B]

Yeah, pretty much.

[A]

Yeah. And what was it like to hear from the clinician in England who just said, like, you just need to work harder? What was that like?

[B]

To be fair, I don't think it was a clinician. It was just a kind of counselor.

[A]

Okay. Like a school counselor. Or was it through the na.

[B]

Yeah, through the university.

[A]

Oh, okay. I see.

[B]

I mean, it was the kind of thing I'd been told before, so I wasn't that surprised.

[A]

Did you believe it? Were you like. Yeah, you're right. I do just need to get.

[B]

I guess I had no reason to believe anything else.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah, I just want to take a minute and, like, feel for all of us who have been told that it's, like, so crushing to feel, to first of all, have the bravery to say to someone's face, like a stranger and probably someone in power. Right. To say to someone's face, I need help. I feel like there's something going on, and then to be told, you're fine, you're just not trying hard enough. That hurts my heart. That hurts my heart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Bummer. What gave you the oomph? For lack of better term, because that's the only word coming to my head, to reach out again for help when.

[B]

You were in the U.S. well, I needed help.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I guess I didn't have anything.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Any other source of help.

[A]

Right. Yeah, I needed help. Somebody needs to help me. Yes. Okay, so tell me about your move from England. You came over for school? For grad school. Correct. So you were young.

[B]

Yeah. Looking back, it seems crazy, because I didn't know a single person in the US I'd never been there. All I knew of it was TV shows.

[A]

Wait, what TV shows were you kind of getting your foundational US stuff from?

[B]

Do you remember back in England, they had, like, the A team and stuff like that?

[A]

So are you, like, I'm definitely gonna meet Mr. T. Yeah, maybe.

[B]

Something like that.

[A]

That's awesome. Okay, so you saw the US On TV shows. But what prompted you to be like, I gotta get out of here?

[B]

Just the desperate desire to find something new.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The thought that maybe, maybe there is something somewhere. A magic potion, a genie who can transform my life.

[A]

Yes. And if it's going to be somewhere, it'll probably be in California maybe.

[B]

I mean, that was just the opportunity that was there with graduate study.

[A]

Okay. Wow. And what like, culturally, what was it like Transitioning as a 22 year old kid from England to California?

[B]

Well, obviously it's not as bad as it probably would be if I was from a non English speaking country.

[A]

True, true.

[B]

I do remember being disappointed by the lack of pubs.

[A]

By the lack of what?

[B]

Pubs. Oh, pub.

[A]

Well, if you'd come to the east Coast, I think you would have found more pubs. But yeah, I guess California's not really known for its.

[B]

There were a few, but you know, the campus was really big. You had to bike for like 10 minutes to get anywhere. So it's not just walking down the street.

[A]

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's funny. Was it easy to connect with people socially?

[B]

It took a while, I think. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that hard. I did quite a few activities so I could meet people that way. So. Thanks.

[A]

Were you doing musical things at Stanford as well?

[B]

I was doing a bit, yeah.

[A]

Wow. What is your instrument?

[B]

Well, I used to play piano. I used to play the organ and I sing. So I guess the singing is the most kind of. The kind of thing you do in a group.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes. The organ freaks me out because you have to use your feet. Yeah, it's a wild instrument. All four limbs are going at the same time.

[B]

Yeah, it's been a few decades since I played it, but it's good workout.

[A]

Yes, that is a wild instrument. Okay, so when you were diagnosed with adhd, did you go on medication or like what supports were given to you at the time?

[B]

So they did give me some medication. I think it was Ritalin. I don't think it had that much of an impact originally. And I just remember kind of, I have the diagnosis. It didn't seem to make a huge difference.

[A]

Did you stay on the medication or did you discard it?

[B]

I can't remember.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I think I did for a little bit and then it probably fell by the wayside along with most other things.

[A]

So what do you like? That was 22, 1997. If you were to kind of sum up the next couple decades, what was your ADHD journey through the next couple decades then?

[B]

Yes. So I dropped out of graduate school.

[A]

Interesting. I didn't know this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Well, I was supposed to be writing a PhD.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah. That wasn't going to happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I went into Silicon Valley because that was where I was.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So I moved into that area and I think it was a relief to find that I could survive there in a job.

[A]

Yeah. So what job did you end up getting?

[B]

I worked in software engineering.

[A]

Okay. And do you feel like that was a good fit for you?

[B]

In some ways it's. It's good for having instant feedback.

[A]

Can you elaborate on that a little bit?

[B]

Sure. So when you're writing software, if it's set up well, you can test it very quickly, you can see if stuff works, you can fix it if it doesn't. So you have this constant stimulation, constant feedback that I think works quite well.

[A]

And then if it's not set up well.

[B]

Yes, well, that happens quite often. It takes like half an hour to get any feedback. Yeah. So that's when you start browsing the news or social media or something.

[A]

That's when the distractions all come in. Yeah. Do you feel like software engineering is a decent fit for someone with adhd? I don't mean for you to speak for everybody, but because of that, like, kind of.

[B]

I think it's better than a lot of other things, put it that way.

[A]

Yes. That's such a good point. Okay. And so along the way you found a partner. So you're married, you have two kids. We don't really need to go into it, but I am curious, like, how has ADHD kind of affected that area of your life?

[B]

I would give anything to be able to go back and know what I know now. Before I had children.

[A]

Yes. Like parent to parent. I feel that so deeply in my soul. So, so deeply. Yeah. When you say what I know now, when did you learn that? Like, what. What do you know now that you wish you had known before?

[B]

I think I know more about myself, about my emotions, the way my mind works, but also just about how to help other people.

[A]

Yes. So then supporting your own family, supporting your kids who may be neurodivergent, supporting just like being able to be there for them in a way that you probably weren't able to be when they were little?

[B]

Not as much as I wish I had.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just. I feel like that's probably such a common thread throughout all of us ADHD parents, like, and there's. I don't know how to reconcile that. Like, I don't know how and I mean, I'm just speaking very personally for myself. I don't know how to reconcile, like, man, I am a different human than I was 15 years ago. My. My kids have a completely different parent now than they did 15 years ago. And how do I not carry grief and guilt and shame about that? It's a daily practice for me to surrender that and let that go. And for me as a person of faith, I'm just, like, constantly just trying to, like, establish, like, reconciliation and feeling like, okay, that that's not my burden to bear. Right. Like, that is. It is mine to make right with my kids, which I do every day, you know, try to. To make it right, but it's just. I can't carry the weight of that. I don't know if that resonates with you or not, but just, it feels like a heavy weight to carry.

[B]

Yeah, it does.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Not that you are going to be speaking for every single ADHDer in tech, but I don't think I've ever interviewed, you know, someone in tech on the pod. And what I love about this podcast is I love to bring different people with ADHD from different walks of life, from different, you know, areas of employment to just talk about their experience so that the listener can see themselves represented. Right. And I think that that is a beautiful part of this podcast is helping people to not feel alone, helping people to see themselves represented in someone else and be like, oh, my gosh, yes, I feel that way. Or I resonate with that. And so I'm just curious if we can talk for a couple minutes about, like, how long have you been in tech? 20 years?

[B]

A bit more.

[A]

A bit more. 25ish years.

[B]

Yeah, around that.

[A]

Yeah. So I'm curious, like, when you think about an ADHD or in tech, for you, what have been, like, the highs and the lows, what have been the parts where you're like, okay, I can see how this part is good, which you already said, like the instant feedback. Tell me about some of the lows. What's difficult for you in the tech field?

[B]

I can think of some occasions when I, especially early on, I took on something and I didn't fully understand it. I didn't fully have the resources to do it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I guess I lacked the knowledge or the self confidence to come out and tell people. So you just dig yourself into a hole.

[A]

Is that like the fake it till you make it kind of approach? Like, I'll figure this out, I'll just get it done?

[B]

Yeah, something like that.

[A]

Yeah, that's really tough. I think a lot of people in different fields would resonate with that because. And actually, Matt, when Matt was here a couple weeks ago talking about, like, working at a company that he wasn't even sure what the company did. He was like, I do marketing for this company, and I'm not even sure what we. What the company does as a whole. And I, like, as adhders, we have this hubris a little bit. And I'm not saying this is you, but like, oh, yeah, I can figure that out. I can make it work. And then kind of digging ourselves into that hole of like, oh, maybe not.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if it's hubris. It's maybe just the only way, you know, because things don't. Well, personally, I hardly ever do things the way I'm supposed to, so there's always a bit of kind of cheating or sneaking around.

[A]

Yeah. Working around the system, doing it your own way.

[B]

Yeah. So sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't.

[A]

Yeah. And sometimes I feel like that can really advance you because you're being creative, you're finding new solutions, you're innovative. And then other times, you're in the hole and you're like, oh, shoot, how do I get out?

[B]

Yeah. It took me a very long time to feel confident enough to just say, I need help. Or I don't understand this.

[A]

Yes. Why does it take confidence to admit that we need help?

[B]

Because otherwise you're afraid of being seen as a failure or an imposter.

[A]

Oh, I see. Because it's very counterintuitive to think we actually need confidence to admit either when we're wrong or that we don't know everything or that we need help. It seems like you wouldn't need confidence for that, but you actually do. You need a measure of, like, self trust, self assuredness to say, I cannot know everything and still be good at my job. I cannot know everything and not get fired. Like, I don't have to know everything. That's really interesting. Not your current job, but in past employment spots, have you felt like your team, your boss has understood you, or have you felt like you have needed to fake it, pretend to be fair?

[B]

I don't think I've ever been treated unfairly, but it's all in my head.

[A]

Oh, say more.

[B]

Just the fear that if I admit something, you know, people will say I shouldn't be there.

[A]

Yes. So it's not necessarily the systems that have put that on you, but just your own internal, like, narrative.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How does someone Work through that. Have you figured that out?

[B]

Yeah, it's a good question. Honestly, I think the work I've done in Focus has helped quite a bit.

[A]

Can you say more about that?

[B]

Yeah, just feeling more at peace with myself.

[A]

So that confidence that you were speaking of. Yeah. And so when you're at peace with yourself, first of all, what does that mean, to be at peace with yourself?

[B]

Good question. I think it's being able to view yourself as someone who's worthy of some degree of respect.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which I think without realizing it, I'd spent my entire life not doing that.

[A]

So feeling like you would have to earn respect.

[B]

I guess. Yeah. But earning respect was not something I ever felt I'd done.

[A]

Right. Because maybe you hadn't reached the level of competence in the certain areas to, like, gain it. Is that what you mean?

[B]

Maybe not, but I just didn't feel that I had.

[A]

Yes. Like the internal feeling of it. Yes. That's so good. Have you kind of, like, hacked together any tools or systems that have helped you in the tech field, or is it mostly internal?

[B]

I think it's a lot internal. It's very internal. To be honest, the tool that everyone is using in tech now is AI.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[B]

I don't think it's possible to work in tech today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Without using it.

[A]

I mean, I could go on a tangent about that because, like, should we be concerned that AI is going to take over? Like, should I be scared?

[B]

I don't think so. I think it's just the newest iteration of the tools. You know, if you go back far enough, people are punching out holes in cards to program computers.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And now we're asking ChatGPT.

[A]

Yes. You are one of the people that has kind of encouraged me and others in the community to rely on ChatGPT as a tool for different things. What are some of the ways that you use ChatGPT to support you?

[B]

It sounds strange, but often just as a. Almost a voice to talk to.

[A]

So what does that look like?

[B]

Well, just saying, like, I need to do this, I need to do this. And it'll say, okay, try this, try this. And just having that interaction can make everything so different mentally.

[A]

That's so fascinating. So what was the last thing or a recent thing that you've typed in? Like, I need to do this, I need to do this. Like what? Give us an example of, like, what types of things that's worked or in any domain.

[B]

I mean, to be honest, the most recent thing I did was what should I visit in Philadelphia for three hours after this interview.

[A]

I love it. You've got three hours. We're in the heart of Philadelphia, one of the most beautiful cities on the planet. And chatgpt told you what.

[B]

Liberty Hall? The market?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Reading Terminal, Something called Love Park.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sounds very, very nice.

[A]

I think you might be disappointed with Love park because it's really just a statue in the middle of a very busy intersection. But it's a cute photo op.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. You should have someone take your picture and then you should frame it for your wife and give it to her for Christmas. I think I'll be your chatgpt for that. I think a great Christmas gift. Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time. You wake up early, you make a list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, we know what to do. But ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That's why I created focused. It's an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I'm a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2020 19, I've coached over 4,000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from hot mess express to grounded and thriving. I'll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior, and accept yourself, flaws and all. And with this foundation, we'll build the skills to improve your life with adhd. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you're surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr. Ned Hallowell says, healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you're an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more. That's ihaveadhd.com focused to check it out. Are you inattentive or hyperactive or combined?

[B]

I'm inattentive.

[A]

You're inattentive. But yet we were just chatting off mic about how you prefer to stand. You stand for everything. You said earlier that you had trouble sitting still as a kid. I assume you still have trouble sitting still as an adult.

[B]

Less than before, but.

[A]

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[B]

The plane ride here was challenging.

[A]

Five and a half hours, probably. Yep. How does your inattentive. Like, how do you feel like those types of symptoms present for you?

[B]

The sitting or.

[A]

I don't know, just, like. What does being inattentive mean to you?

[B]

I think it just means that I'm very liable to just lose the thread of something. Lose the thread of a conversation?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Like, when you and Matt were talking just now, I started kind of zoning off or thinking about what I was going to say in this interview.

[A]

Does it show up for you mostly in social settings?

[B]

It can do. Like, if I'm at a party or a gathering and then everyone else starts talking around me, I have a tendency to just start zoning out.

[A]

Yes. That's so interesting, because for me, when I get bored in those types of settings, if it's in a social gathering, I will instead make myself the center of attention.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I think you can.

[B]

I kind of wish I did that.

[A]

Really? Yeah, really. I feel like that's. I'm much more hyperactive, and it's more like, let me get the dopamine that way, you know, by like, starting a conversation or saying something out of pocket or embarrassing myself in some way just to kind of, like, get that dopamine hit. Which. Yeah, I kind of. It's interesting because I would kind of rather like, slink into the. Into my own mind. I'm curious, as we kind of like, wrap up this convo around tech, can you think of a moment or, like, a project or maybe something that happens often where your ADHD is a real barrier to you, kind of like succeeding in that job?

[B]

I think anything that involves following instructions or a long series of instructions, or they tell us, go study this.

[A]

Is that your worst nightmare?

[B]

Not my worst nightmare, but it's not pleasant.

[A]

Yeah. And then are you the type of person. You said earlier that you don't usually like to do things in the sequence that someone else lays out for you. So are you maybe sometimes missing steps or skipping over things, having to go back and correct? Is that kind of how it.

[B]

Absolutely, yeah.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[B]

That's how I. If I'm reading a book, I will tend to do that. Skip ahead, go back.

[A]

Yes. When you're reading, do you feel like you absorb it or does it kind of like, do you have to, like, pull your attention back and reread the same paragraph over and over?

[B]

Yeah, quite often.

[A]

That's so frustrating, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is. I know it is. Okay. So I'm curious, when did you start really learning about your adhd? Like, when you were diagnosed, were you told anything about what it meant to have adhd? What was that journey like?

[B]

I think I was given, like, one sheet of paper or something like that.

[A]

Okay, sure that you were reading it.

[B]

I can't remember what it said. Yeah, I didn't probably told you to read a book, which I didn't read. That was it.

[A]

Yes. There were no podcasts at that time. 1997, I don't think.

[B]

Did podcasts exist?

[A]

I don't think so, no. No. So when did you start really learning about it?

[B]

I would say just before I joined Focus. I'd actually seen a career coach. She gave me some exercises to do, like, where do you see yourself in 10 years time? Stuff like that. Of course I didn't do them. And then she got so sick of me that she told me I needed to do something about my adhd. Oh. So it took me about six months. I found a coach. I actually still see my coach today.

[A]

An ADHD coach?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[B]

So she was really great. And then I think I just got on a roll. I think I decided I wanted more than just one session a week. So that inspired me to join Focused.

[A]

And what I love about you in Focus, David, is that you are on every call. I hope I'm not outing you here because it is so fun, because you are there. Like, you are really a part. Like an integral part. I already said it, but I really did mean it. It bears repeating. You are such a part of the community, so you knew what you needed and you went and got it. And that is admirable. Like, you just said I wanted more than once a week, and you went out and found it. And now, I mean, that is just such a fun thing. Okay, so what has it been like for you in Focused?

[B]

I think the community aspect of Focused has been huge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It feels like it's a community where I don't feel inadequate in the way that I've felt pretty much everywhere else.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Not only are you not inadequate, but you very early on began supporting people within the community in a way, just like on your own time, just for free. Just adding a lot of value and giving such thoughtful feedback that I remember. Did I reach out to you and say, hey, have you considered becoming a coach? Did I do that or did I not?

[B]

Because I think you may have done. I can't remember, but I was interested in it anyway.

[A]

When did that start to happen for You.

[B]

I think almost as soon as I joined.

[A]

Really?

[B]

And also inspired by my own coach and what I saw in focus.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I decided this has had such a big impact on me. I'd like to do it myself.

[A]

Yes. Okay, so before we talk about you doing it yourself, talk to me about the impact that it's had on you. You're coaching with your one on one coach. Coaching and focus, like the coaching that you've received. What would you say has changed or like evolved for you because of that?

[B]

It feels like it's just opened up a whole side of me that I think was kind of frozen.

[A]

Ah. Say more words about that. That's beautiful. What was frozen?

[B]

I think the feeling that I had something to contribute to other people. I felt that. I think there was always this feeling that even if I feel like I'm doing well at something, sooner or later I'll hit. Hit a buffer.

[A]

Yeah. Yep. Sooner or later. Is it like the feeling that, like the other shoe is going to drop at some point? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not a fun feeling.

[B]

I feel like that happens with music, it happens with academia, and I think it was always to do with my ADHD symptoms revealing themselves.

[A]

Yeah. And then what do you feel like was kind of unlocked? Like, was it the potential for follow through? Is that what it was? Did you say I did a motion with that? Like, I didn't need to do it, don't need to be doing motions. Was it the potential for follow through or was it just feeling like maybe there's hope?

[B]

I don't think it was follow through. I think it was just feeling that I had something to offer, something I wasn't just kind of surviving, which I felt I had been for much of my life.

[A]

That's so good. That's so good. At this point, you were in your 40s.

[B]

Late 40s.

[A]

Late 40s. And what perspective has that given you? That's hard. I know it's a hard question. Even as I was saying it, I was like, gosh, that's a really hard question. But like, you're in your late 40s and finally you're feeling like I really have something to offer to other people. Like, that must be so freeing for you or something. Like, how would you describe that?

[B]

It feels like maybe this is where maybe in an ideal world I could have spent my whole life doing this.

[A]

So you decide to become a coach. What was the training like for you? What was that process like?

[B]

It was great. I actually did another training before yours just because I had the opportunity to do it to get my feet wet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that was good. It just got me some practice in coaching. And then your training was amazing. And I guess I just kept going from there.

[A]

Yeah. And what's cool is that you have been coaching so many people inside of the focus program. What is that experience like?

[B]

It's great because you get to coach so many people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. It must be unusual to the sheer number of different people. It's really good. It gives you a kind of kaleidoscopic vision of ADHD people.

[A]

That's such a great way to put it because you are talking to people from all over the world and for 30 minutes, just hearing their story, offering feedback, offering wisdom, offering coaching. What do you see as some of the themes? I didn't prep you for this question, but I'm just curious if anything comes to mind. Like, some of the themes that are, like, common threads among people that you coach and focused.

[B]

Strangely, one of the commonest is sleep issues and getting up issues.

[A]

Yes. What do you think is behind that? Do you know?

[B]

Well, it's very common that people want to stay up late at night, especially if they haven't had time to do the. Maybe do the things they really want to do during the day.

[A]

Yep, yep, yep, yep. And then that makes it impossible to sleep, to wake up in the morning. I'm prepping an episode on sleep that will come out in a couple weeks. And for our VIP day, as you know, Dr. Sandra Coy was with us and did a whole seminar on sleep, and I was just shocked at some of the things that we learned during that seminar. I can't wait to talk about them on this podcast. A little foreshadowing for you, my friends. What are some of the biggest changes that you have seen in yourself? So you've named just having a confidence that wasn't there before. What about self trust? What has that journey been like for you?

[B]

I guess it's similar to confidence, just believing that I can do something. Like come on this podcast, for example.

[A]

Get on a plane, fly to Philadelphia, arrive on time, have a conversation in front of people. Yeah. What were some of the ways that you coached yourself? Or, like, what was some of, like, the internal dialogue that you used with yourself to get yourself to do this?

[B]

I think. Well, to be fair, I think a lot of it was external. Just talking to other people and hearing that they thought it was a good idea, too.

[A]

Yes. Part of that is also just, like, receiving people's feedback. Like, you reached out to people that you trust, and you said, hey, what do you think? And they said, great idea. You should definitely do it. And instead of saying to yourself, oh, they're just saying that they don't really mean it. I, like, I probably shouldn't do it. You allowed yourself to receive that feedback. And I think that that's one of, like, the primary parts of self trust is, yes, it's this, like, internal self connection and trust, but it's also leaning on people who are wise and actually receiving their feedback. When they say, I believe in you, I think you can do this. Taking that to heart and truly believing it, because it's not easy. Like, we really need other people. So who are the people that spoke into your life about this?

[B]

People in my personal life, some other people in focused.

[A]

Yes. I love that. We always need and. And I think that we have this misconception that self trust is, I don't need anyone else. I. I trust me, so I don't need anyone else. But I think that is a piece of it. Trusting yourself and like, having that internal dialogue and connection. But then the other half of it is surrounding yourself with wise people and leaning on them for validation and saying. Being able to say, like, do you think I can do this? I don't know if I can. I love it. How has becoming a coach changed the way that you relate to you, to yourself? Do you do a lot of self coaching?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do you use the tools on yourself? What does that look like for you?

[B]

It just. It is harder to coach yourself than to coach other people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that's a pretty universal experience.

[A]

100%.

[B]

When I'm in a difficult situation, that would be hard for me and has been hard for me in the past. Maybe thinking how I would help someone else in a similar situation can end up helping me as well.

[A]

How would I coach someone else through this and then using that on yourself?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's brilliant. I always think about myself as my most difficult client. I'm like, I don't want to do anything that my coach, me, tells me to do. I think I know better. I'm very resistant. And so that's a really great way to kind of pull yourself out of the hot seat. How would I help someone else through this? I love that. What has it been like for you, learning about emotional regulation? I'm going to make an assumption and you let me know if this is true or not. But I'm going to assume that, like in England, emotions are not really a primary focus of, like, parenting and raising children. Is that an accurate assumption?

[B]

I don't think it certainly when I was a kid there.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I don't think it was. I'm not sure if that's specific to England. I don't know if there are many countries that used to do that.

[A]

That's so true. So what did emotional regulation look like for you as, let's say, a child?

[B]

I don't know. I mean, I just had whatever emotion I had and ran with it.

[A]

And was it. Were you, like, exploding? Were you stuffing the emotions down? Were you yelling and screaming and having meltdowns? Like, what was that like?

[B]

That was quite a bit of yelling.

[A]

Yeah, me too. And then as you began to learn about emotions, like through coaching and emotional regulation classes and that type of thing, what do you feel like you've learned?

[B]

I think I recognize when something is going wrong. Something's going off the rails.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sometimes I would used to get these kind of low points in the day when often say I'd had a meeting and then I had an empty afternoon. Yeah. And then sometimes that would feel very empty.

[A]

Yes. And then what would happen?

[B]

I think I would just. I think I would try to distract myself a lot of the time.

[A]

Totally. And so when that happens now, what are you able to do with that?

[B]

I'm able to try to, I think, talk to myself. To find. To find a place of more warmth.

[A]

Yes. Warmth is such a nice word. What is that like? How would you describe that to someone? What does it mean to find a place of warmth? Is it like acceptance or it's like.

[B]

A feeling inside you of literal warmth?

[A]

Would you say it's like the antidote, like the opposite of emptiness? Yeah, yeah. And what are the things that you say to yourself to find that warmth?

[B]

I think if I tell myself that I will take care of my emotions, that helps a lot.

[A]

Yeah. It sounds a little bit like a reparenting phrase, like, I've got you. You don't have to hate this part. I'm going to take care of you. It's so interesting that the empty space. I think a lot of adhders will resonate with that. Like the empty space on a calendar, even on a Saturday. This deep space feeling of. Yeah, I don't like that feeling of emptiness. I really, really don't. And to meet that with warmth is just such a kindness.

[B]

I remember before I joined Focused, you did an episode about weekends, I think, and that was one of the things that really resonated with me.

[A]

Yes. That is something that I really had to be so methodical and cognizant and self Aware and self coachy like it. I had to learn how to handle weekends because the blank space on the calendar coupled with all of the expectations, I should be cleaning, we should do something fun with the kids, we should spend quality time together. I should meal prep for the next week. All of like these external expectations that I'm not even sure where they originated from, that I'm not even sure were connected to like what I wanted and my own values and figuring out how am I going to handle this? And I said it on that episode and I've said it before, but you know, saying to Greg, like, okay, what are we doing today? And him being like, I'm not your cruise director. I don't, I don't know. These are the things that I'm doing today. If you want to do something, let me know. I'm open to it. But I would look to him to fill that emptiness, that white space. And learning how to do that on my own was so hard. Oh, gosh, it was so hard. I'm curious, what's your favorite part about coaching? Who do you love to coach?

[B]

I think I love coaching anyone, but just feeling that I've made a real difference, especially emotionally, if someone is feeling very distressed and I can help them. That feels good.

[A]

Yes. Do you enjoy walking people through like a, an emotional regulation practice? Is that what you're talking about? Like sitting with them in their emotions and helping them navigate that?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. You have such a peaceful energy. Like your vibe is very peaceful. And I can imagine that being in the space with you of coaching and just having you as a sounding board would be very reassuring for a client. I, I am sure that that is true. Yeah. That was a compliment. Thank you. How can people get in touch with you if they want to coach with you?

[B]

Well, I have my website, so you can go there.

[A]

What is your website, sir?

[B]

It's called David Wake ADHD Coaching. Very imaginative.

[A]

I mean, listen, my website is not imaginative either, but sometimes you just gotta make it real plain and simple for all of the people. David, wake up. ADHD Coaching. I absolutely want to recommend you as a coach. I have seen you help and serve so many people within focused. The feedback and the thoughtfulness that you bring to your coaching and the questions that you ask and the warmth is a word that you use, but there is a warmth and a peace that you bring. I'm just so pleased to have you, first of all as a focus member and someone that's contributing to the community, but then also someone who's just out there serving the ADHD broader community at large. I think that there are so many people who need to be served and I'm just glad that you're one of the people that are taking up the cause. So thank you for doing that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, this has been so much fun. Listener, I highly recommend that you reach out to David if if that is something that you are feeling pulled to do. Don't forget to like subscribe Share this episode we're so glad that you were with us today. This is just a really, it's a sacred space when we get to talk about ADHD and our journeys and just like the ways in which we've been able to grow. And I'm so glad that you are here with us. Please, please join us again next week. We will see you then. Bye Bye. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn't find anything, so I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for your. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I'm confident that you will too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all details.