I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 358: "The Day I Hired a Frontal Lobe: How Paying for Help Pulled Me Out of ADHD Chaos"

Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: Bill Adair, Executive Director of Art Philly
Date: December 9, 2025

Episode Overview

In this candid and empowering episode, host Kristen Carder is joined by long-time Focused member Bill Adair to discuss one of the most liberating yet often taboo topics for adults with ADHD: outsourcing daily drudgery. Bill shares how hiring help for simple but overwhelming daily tasks was, for him, like “hiring a frontal lobe,” transforming his quality of life and ability to focus on meaningful work. Kristen and Bill dig into the shame and self-judgment that often prevent ADHDers from accepting support, dismantle hustle culture myths, and write a collective “permission slip” for ADHDers to seek real-life accommodations—including paid help—even if they technically “can” do it themselves.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bill’s ADHD Journey: Diagnosis in Adulthood

• (06:31-14:43)
  • Bill struggled with disorganization and feeling "lazy, irresponsible, unreliable" since childhood, despite excelling at creative tasks.
  • First-generation college student, attended Penn (Ivy League) and UCLA without knowing he had ADHD.
  • Family’s working-class/immigrant values equated work and productivity with survival.
• Diagnosis Story:
  • Not diagnosed until age 55 after years of therapy. His therapist finally suggested ADHD after much discussion about daily overwhelm.
• Impact of Diagnosis:
  • "Life changing to actually feel like I had an explanation for...why things always seemed harder." (14:19 - Bill)
  • Experienced both relief and a bit of grief: "Oh great, now I have a disability on top of everything else." (15:06 - Bill)

2. Battling Shame, Guilt & Internalized Ableism

• (21:09-26:27)
  • Bill shares how accepting ADHD as a real neurodivergence, not just "laziness," is a gradual process, especially after a lifetime of internalized stigma.
  • Both Kristen and Bill relate to the "potato collecting" metaphor—a family legacy of equating labor with worth and safety, which never feels “enough.”
  • "Worth was very connected to productivity. ...never enough potatoes collected." (26:02 - Bill)

3. Permission to Outsource: Redefining Productivity & Self-Compassion

• (31:00-41:09)
  • Bill explains his breakthrough: actually hiring someone to execute daily/weekly tasks (“day-to-day drudgery”) that drained his energy and created chaos.
  • Kristen reframes: "We're writing a permission slip...to outsource the boring, annoying, mundane, and like, simple but difficult tasks in your life." (02:43)
  • Outsourcing is both a practical tool and an act of self-compassion, not a luxury.
  • “ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it.” (34:52 - Kristen)

4. How Hiring Help Works in Practice

• (38:27-44:47)
  • Bill describes hiring a part-time assistant (a recent college grad into Dungeons & Dragons) for 2–3 hours a week to run errands, handle paperwork, contest parking tickets, etc.
  • Built trust gradually—didn’t hand over passwords/credit cards right away.
  • He also expanded his cleaning service to include laundry folding—tasks he particularly loathed.
  • “We have clean clothes in piles...until they met her [the housekeeper]...now they’re perfectly folded.” (44:33 - Bill)

5. Benefits: More Spoons for What Matters Most

• (47:56-49:47)
  • Hiring help frees up Bill’s limited “spoons” for meaningful activities—work he loves, self-care, and connection.
  • “If I don't have to use a spoon on my laundry or on parking tickets or to remember to go pick up my prescription, then I'd rather use it for other things.” (49:03 - Bill)

6. Self-Compassion, Prioritization & Accessibility

• (50:06-52:12)
  • Both acknowledge outsourcing isn’t accessible to everyone but urge those who can to consider it an investment in sanity and function, not laziness or luxury.
  • Kristen: “There's still a measure of self-acceptance that needs to be embraced...Because I think that's what is required in order to really outsource—is understanding yourself, knowing your limitations, but not judging yourself for them.” (50:06 - Kristen)
  • Outsourcing can start small (e.g. $5 laundry loads, hiring for taxes) and is about prioritizing what brings most value.

7. Imagining the Next Level: Future Supports

• (53:39-57:22)
  • They daydream about what future outsourcing could look like: meal prep, fitness trainers, nutritionists—all to make healthy routines easier.
  • "I'd like to be able to pay someone to exercise for me..." (54:06 - Bill, joking)
  • Both agree: “In the same way that, like, having my laundry folded is taking care of myself, I think some of those other ways in which I really do want to take care of myself more—better, more effectively..." (57:22 - Bill)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Internalized Shame:

  "I grew up feeling like I was lazy and irresponsible and unreliable. And I still fight with that, you know, those inner voices right now."
  —Bill Adair (06:43)

• On Outsourcing as an ADHD Accommodation:

  "This was your idea...when you can, why not hire someone to be your frontal cortex, to actually help you with some of the executive functions that don’t come naturally."
  —Bill Adair (32:13)

• On Relinquishing Guilt:

  “Did you have the thought at any point, 'Well, I can do this stuff myself, so I should?'”
  "Yeah, of course. For like, 57 years."
  —Kristen & Bill (37:22-37:38)

• On Spoons & Prioritization:

  “I’d rather use my spoons for things that actually bring my life meaning and purpose...It means that we have to move money from, you know, we have...prioritize. And I prioritize it. Prioritizing the spoons that matter.”
  —Bill Adair (49:03 - 52:51)

• On Outsourcing as Self-Compassion:

  "I’ve just thought of it as a practical matter, but never thought of it as an act of compassion."
  —Bill Adair (52:12)

• On Permission to Outsource:

  “We want to write a little permission slip for that...yes, you should. Like, you’re absolutely allowed to.”
  —Kristen Carder (37:05)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Bill’s ADHD Story, Family Values: 06:31–15:06
• Diagnosis and Emotional Impact: 12:11–15:06
• Outsourcing as Permission/Act of Self-Care: 31:00–41:09
• How to Hire Help in Real Life: 38:27–44:47
• Impact on Mental Bandwidth & “Spoons” Theory: 47:56–52:51
• Self-Compassion, Shame, and Accessibility: 50:06–52:12
• Dreaming Bigger: Future Supports: 53:39–57:22
• Encouragement for Listeners on the Fence: 58:09–61:34

Listener Takeaways

• You have permission to outsource mundane, draining tasks if you can, and doing so is a “real-world” ADHD accommodation—not a moral failing.
• Outsourcing is an act of self-compassion and a practical way to reclaim energy (“spoons”) for what truly matters.
• You are not lazy or “less than” for struggling with daily drudgery—your brain just works differently, and you’re allowed to support yourself in creative ways.

This episode is a must-listen for any ADHD adult battling shame about needing help or permission to spend resources to create a sustainable, fulfilling life. As Bill puts it, “Prioritize the spoons that matter.” (52:54)

Credits

Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: Bill Adair
Podcast: I Have ADHD
Episode: 358
Date: December 9, 2025

For more strategies, support, and community: I Have ADHD - Focused Coaching Program