← I Have ADHD Podcast
I Have ADHD Podcast
358 The Day I Hired a Frontal Lobe: How Paying for Help Pulled Me Out of ADHD Chaos
01:00:39
Loading summary
Transcript462 lines
- [00:00]
Kristen Carter
This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. All right, I'm going to be real with you. Drinking water is boring. My ADHD brain is like, wait, we have to do this again? Like every day, Multiple times. What in the world? And because I'm running from meetings to coaching calls to kid chaos, staying hydrated is not something I'm naturally good at. It's not something I naturally think about. That's why I've been obsessed with Cure hydration packs lately. Cure is a plant based hydrating electrolyte mix with no added sugar, only 25 calories, and it actually tastes good. The watermelon and berry pomegranate have been on repeat for me.
- [00:31]
Kristin Carter
I'm actually like really running low on.
- [00:32]
Kristen Carter
Those flavors, which is so sad. They're refreshing without being too sweet or artificial. It feels like my water finally has a little bit of personality, which I enjoy. I really do. What I love most is that CURE uses a science backed formula that hydrates as effectively as an IV drip. So when I'm scrambling through my day forgetting my water again, CURE helps me to catch up fast. I throw a few packs in my bag and it makes drinking enough water simple. Which for my ADHD brain is basically a miracle. So staying hydrated isn't just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that's why I love cure. It's clean, tastes great, and it actually works. And bonus, CURE is FSA HSA approved so you can use those funds to stay hydrated. The smart way for I have ADHD Podcast listeners, you can get 20% off your first order@curehydration.com ihaveadhd with the code ihaveadhd and if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about Cure right here on the podcast. It really does help to support the show. Don't just drink more water. Also Upgrade it with Cure.
- [01:30]
Audible Sponsor
The wait is over. Dive into Audible's most anticipated collection, the Best of 2025. Featuring top audiobooks, podcasts and originals across all genres, our editors have carefully curated this year's must listens. From brilliant hidden gems to the buzziest new releases, every title in this collection has earned its spot. This is your go to for the absolute best in 2025 audio entertainment. Whether you love thrillers or nonfiction, your next favorite listen awaits. Discover why there's more to imagine when you listen@audible.com BestOfTheYear.
- [02:15]
Kristen Carter
Welcome to the I have ADHD Podcast where it's all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with ADHD I'm your host, Kristen Carter, and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B.
- [02:44]
Kristin Carter
Hey, what's up? This is Kristin Carter and you've tuned in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. Today's episode is gonna be a good one. We are gonna give you all kinds of permission to outsource. That's what we're doing today. We're writing a permission slip to you, my dear listener, to outsource the boring, annoying, mundane, and like, simple but difficult tasks in your life. And I think you're gonna love every second of this episode. Of course, I need to remind you to like, subscribe. Comment down below if you are on Apple or Spotify. I would just so love it if you hit that rating button. Give us a little 5 star rate. Give me a little shot of dopamine. Just like inject it into my arms. I need it. I love it. If you're watching on YouTube, welcome. This channel is very new. It is very, very, very new. And we are just trying to grow it. So share this with your friends. Hit that subscribe button. Do all the things that the YouTubes do. That would be so helpful. That would be so wonderful. I'm glad you're here. Come in and get cozy. This is a space where we chat about living with adhd and sometimes we have experts in the room to talk about the most recent research. And sometimes we have just straight up ADHDers, just regular schmegular ADHD years, here to discuss what life is like living with adhd. And that's what we're doing today. I'm here with longtime Focus member Bill Adair and I really want to read his bio for you because it's fascinating. He is such a fun person. Like, yes, he's a regular schmegular adhder, but you gotta listen to this bio. So. Bill is creative and executive director of Art Philly, a nonprofit that supports and promotes Philadelphia based artists and arts organizations. Art Philly is currently organizing what now a five week citywide arts festival for the 250th birthday of the country in 2026. Bill has a BA in History from Penn and an in Urban Cultural Planning from ucla, which when I read that I was like, oh my gosh, you're a nerd.
- [05:04]
Bill Adair
Yeah, Total nerd.
- [05:05]
Kristin Carter
I didn't realize 100%. I had no idea. How did you get through Penn and UCLA with adhd?
- [05:17]
Bill Adair
With a lot of energy, pain, stress.
- [05:23]
Kristin Carter
Blood, sweat and tears.
- [05:24]
Bill Adair
Blood, sweat and tears. Having no idea that I had adhd. W. And yeah. And also an army of help from other people.
- [05:34]
Kristin Carter
I love it. Well, welcome to the show.
- [05:36]
Kristen Carter
Thank you so much.
- [05:37]
Bill Adair
Thanks. I'm excited to be here. I'm so honored.
- [05:40]
Kristin Carter
So glad to have you. We did get to meet last year at our in person event, VIP day, and that was super fun.
- [05:48]
Bill Adair
I walked to VIP day.
- [05:49]
Kristin Carter
I know. That's so fun. Just great to have you. You're a Philly native. Have you always lived here?
- [05:55]
Bill Adair
No, because when I went to grad school in ucla, I lived out there in Los Angeles and lived out there for about six or seven years afterwards.
- [06:03]
Kristin Carter
Neat.
- [06:03]
Bill Adair
So totally different kind of city. But Philly's my heart, so.
- [06:06]
Kristin Carter
Yes, same. I just. It lives inside of me.
- [06:11]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Go birds.
- [06:11]
Kristin Carter
Go Birds, baby. Seven and two right now. Can you even believe it?
- [06:17]
Bill Adair
No.
- [06:17]
Kristin Carter
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Okay, so tell me about your ADHD journey. When did you get diagnosed with adhd? Because you said you went to, which is an Ivy League school prior to ADHD diagnosis.
- [06:32]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Yeah.
- [06:34]
Well, I will say that I always knew that things were really hard for me.
- [06:38]
Kristen Carter
Okay.
- [06:39]
Bill Adair
Always, like, since I was a little kid, I felt like other people were always more organized and, you know, they could figure out what books to take home at the end of the day, and they had, like, neat piles of paper and I had, like, you know, you know, messy piles of paper everywhere in my desk, the messiest desk in class, blah, blah, blah. I would bring home every book that I had from my desk just in case. Every day my mom had to sew me a bigger bag than everyone else because I couldn't ever remember which stuff to take home. So I dragged it all back and forth. So I always knew that stuff was harder for me. But, you know, I liked school even though there were some things that were just, like, really complicated for me to figure out how to do. But there were other things that actually were, like, easier for me to do, like out of the box stuff, you know, like sometimes like the creative projects or whatever. And I went to school in the 70s where, you know, they promoted creative projects. So I got support for that side of me, which I was very lucky to have happen. Even though I also always felt, you know, like, a little lazy, a little irresponsible, unreliable. And that I grew up in a household. First generation immigrants and fun and creativity. They didn't get you far in life when you were trying to collect the potatoes in order to not starve at the end of the day. So being responsible and reliable was what it took. Right. So it was complicated at home that way. I felt like I kind of grew up feeling like I was lazy and irresponsible and unreliable. And I still fight with that, you know, those inner voices right now. But anyway, I had enough things going for me in the 1970s in school as a little kid.
- [08:28]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [08:28]
Bill Adair
That I got. I always got support from teachers, which made a huge difference. But then. Yeah, I mean, going to school, you know, it. It was like crazy to go to a super high competitive school, a highly competitive school, because, you know, it was basically, you know, it was like a rush to see how much you could get done every week, you know, like that you, you know, we'd get ridiculously complicated and hard and just giant assignments. And that was really when I, you know, I could, to a certain extent, kind of fake my way through high school and middle school. But you can't fake your way through an Ivy League school.
- [09:05]
Kristin Carter
Imagine that would be impossible.
- [09:08]
Bill Adair
So my first year, I really, like, I woke, you know, it was. It was very eye opening and my grades reflected it.
- [09:15]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [09:16]
Bill Adair
And I was like, wait, I'm a good student. What happened? And I had to teach myself. You know, at the time, there was just very little support for anyone that was like, you know, at all. Neurodivergent, Neuro. Atypical. And, you know, it was just like, all right, you figure it out. So I did. I had to figure it out myself fast. You know, how to, you know, how to read, you know, like five books a week.
- [09:43]
Kristin Carter
Dang.
- [09:44]
Bill Adair
Or pretend I did.
- [09:45]
Kristin Carter
Right. Right enough to write the paper and get a decent grade on it.
- [09:49]
Bill Adair
Exactly. Yeah. I learned to speed up the process of getting things done.
- [09:54]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [09:54]
Bill Adair
Because I had no choice because I wanted to succeed there. First generation college goer. I was not going to fail at this.
- [10:03]
Kristin Carter
What was that like in your family to be the first generation college goer attending an Ivy League? They must have been complicated. Beyond proud.
- [10:14]
Bill Adair
Beyond proud. And also a little worried that, like, you know, that I somehow was gonna get too big for my britches. Put on notions, as we say, you.
- [10:25]
Kristin Carter
Know, and is that such a European thing?
- [10:30]
I don't mean to, like, make it a thing.
- [10:33]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah.
- [10:33]
Kristin Carter
But is that like a very. I feel like we inherited that kind of.
- [10:40]
Perspective from our European ancestors. And I'm just wondering if you agree with that or not.
- [10:46]
Bill Adair
Yes, it's a double edged sword because, yes, my parents wanted us to succeed, but they did not want us to look down on them, of course. And they didn't want us to get proud. Right. And I think that is like a Northern European, certainly, like, you know, my grandparents from Ireland. You know, you just, you don't, you don't expect too much from life.
- [11:12]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [11:13]
Bill Adair
Because it could disappoint you.
- [11:15]
Kristin Carter
And that played out in their history for sure.
- [11:18]
Bill Adair
Yeah. For good reason. Right, Right. Yeah. But I felt a little bit of class betrayal, honestly, when I went to this fancy school with a lot of wealthy people. And my, you know, my father was a landscape gardener, so I identified more with the people who were like, gardening and cleaning the, Cleaning the hallways than I did with most of my fellow students. But it was sheer determination, Kristin, that, like, got me through that. And, you know, in the end, it was an amazing experience. And once again, like, there was stuff that was super hard, but other things that were maybe came a little bit easier, which was the creative stuff. So, you know, I was editor of the, you know, the magazine and, you know, worked in like, you know, theater and it was, you know, so there were opportunities for somebody like me that I found fairly quickly. But let me tell you, it was not easy. Yeah.
- [12:09]
Kristin Carter
At what point were you diagnosed with ADHD?
- [12:11]
Bill Adair
Yeah, so not until I was 55.
- [12:13]
Kristen Carter
Stop it.
- [12:14]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So not so long ago. I mean, I, I know I look considerably younger than 55.
- [12:19]
Kristin Carter
Actually.
- [12:20]
Bill Adair
I'm actually considerably older than 55. But I, I did. And it was, you know, after, like, how many years of therapy, Kristin, have I been through? And no therapist, no teacher, no one ever suggested that it was, you know, I think, you know, as, you know, it was like, if you were traditionally successful, people just assumed that you couldn't possibly.
- [12:45]
Kristin Carter
Hard to get a diagnosis.
- [12:47]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [12:48]
Kristin Carter
When someone knows what you've accomplished.
- [12:50]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I mean, yeah, I know that sounds a little weird to say, but it's. It was true. Like, you know, and even after the diagnosis, people were like, that can't be true, Bill. You know, that's just, you know, there's been a lot of kind of, you know, pushback on my. Trying to accept and be open and out about someone with adhd because it's like, yeah, but. But look at all that you've accomplished. It's like, yeah. And there's a reason I'm freaking exhausted. I always say I feel like the walking wounded.
- [13:18]
Kristin Carter
Yes. At what cost?
- [13:19]
Bill Adair
At what cost? Exactly. Right. And in retrospect, Bill. Did you need to go to an Ivy League school, Bill. Or could you have actually gone somewhere that would have made your life a lot less stressful and, you know, and I was anxious and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I had my heart. Yeah, my heart too. For that. For that kid. Yeah. Yeah. I felt like I needed to do those things, but. Yeah.
- [13:43]
Kristin Carter
So was it a therapist or was it therapist?
- [13:46]
Bill Adair
She was the best therapist. I mean, she was just fantastic.
- [13:49]
Kristin Carter
God bless.
- [13:50]
Bill Adair
Yes. And, you know, we talked all the time about overwhelm. Overwhelm, as we called it. She was this great Jewish therapist that I called Dr. Ruth. She was amazing. We talked about overwhelm every week. And like, you know, after about a year, she was like, bill, it sounds like you have the symptoms of adhd. And I was like, what is that? What do you mean? Like, you know, I don't. You know, I didn't even know what that. You know, I knew that, like, people called me hyperactive when I was a kid. That's what they called you then, right?
- [14:19]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [14:20]
Bill Adair
But, you know, I didn't even really know what it was. And she talked me through it and I saw her for another couple of years and it was totally life changing to like, to actually feel like I had an explanation for why things part. Part. Part of why, you know, I've been anxious my whole life and stressed and, you know, and why just things always seemed harder.
- [14:42]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, yeah.
- [14:43]
Bill Adair
You know, I felt like a little. I had a little bit of a victim mentality because I was like, wow, you know, I see other people do these things and it doesn't make them seem exhausted at the end of the day. Why does it seem like it? You know, it's just so hard for me to even, like, survive the day, you know, in. In this, you know, at college or at work or whatever. And.
- [15:07]
So a lot of shame releasing, you know, at finally having an explanation. Um, and also a little bit of like a. Oh, great, so now I have a disability on top of everything else. Right.
- [15:23]
Kristin Carter
Almost like that victim mentality. Kind of like hooking you in.
- [15:27]
Bill Adair
Exactly.
- [15:28]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [15:28]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [15:29]
Kristin Carter
I mean, that's understandable, though. And to be fair, you were a victim, like, of your adhd.
- [15:38]
Bill Adair
True.
- [15:38]
Kristin Carter
Right. Like you didn't know.
- [15:40]
Bill Adair
True.
- [15:40]
Kristin Carter
You sought help. Nobody really gave it to you. There was no explanation and things were legitimately harder for you.
- [15:48]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they didn't know.
- [15:50]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [15:51]
Bill Adair
And I didn't know.
- [15:52]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [15:52]
Bill Adair
I didn't even know what to ask. For.
- [15:53]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [15:56]
Bill Adair
Other than, you know, how do I. How do I become more organized?
- [16:00]
Kristin Carter
Right. Give me the three steps.
- [16:01]
Bill Adair
Give me study skills. I just need better study skills.
- [16:04]
Kristin Carter
Right, right, right.
- [16:06]
Bill Adair
I just need to be more organized. I just need to be more responsible.
- [16:09]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [16:10]
Bill Adair
You know, I'm not living up to my potential. That was the whole thing.
- [16:13]
Kristin Carter
I mean, that is just, like, such a huge red flag for adhd. Anybody who feels like they're not living up to their potential, get a screening for ADHD. Maybe it's 100%, maybe it's not ADHD, but, like, that is the most red of red flags.
- [16:28]
Bill Adair
Right, Right, Exactly. It's like, actually, I am living up to my potential.
- [16:32]
Kristin Carter
Right, Exactly.
- [16:34]
Bill Adair
I'm trying to exceed it. Give me a break.
- [16:36]
Kristin Carter
Yes. Oh, my goodness.
- [16:40]
Kristen Carter
This podcast is sponsored by AG1.
- [16:43]
Kristin Carter
Listen.
- [16:43]
Kristen Carter
It's December, which means my life looks like a snow globe that someone has shaken way too aggressively. And I wonder if you relate to that. We've got the holiday concerts, all of the kids events, parties, travel, family, trying to remember which kid needs what for.
- [17:00]
Kristin Carter
Like, Secret Santa and the days at.
- [17:02]
Kristen Carter
School where they have to wear the different things, like, it's too much. And my routines are out the window.
- [17:08]
Kristin Carter
They're on vacation without me.
- [17:10]
Kristen Carter
So if you're anything like me, the first thing to go when life gets busy is nutrition. And suddenly I'm like, did I eat a vegetable today? Have I even had any water? Am I just running on peppermint mochas and adrenaline? That's where AG1 saves me every single year. And, you know, they've been sponsoring this podcast four years. It's because they're my consistency anchor when the rest of my routine is, well, we can call it festive, but really, it's just crazy. I love AG1 because it is so easy, and especially when I'm traveling, I can throw it in my suitcase, which I just did last week when I.
- [17:52]
Kristin Carter
Was in Kansas City.
- [17:53]
Kristen Carter
It's so easy to pack and take along with you. I'm always mixing it up right when I wake up, and it's super, super simple. It's one small thing that helps me feel proactive instead of reactive. Like, yeah, I did do something good for my body today that feels good to me. As someone with adhd, anything that reduces decision fatigue gets a gold star from me, gold star from Kristin Carter. And this is easy. One scoop in water, shake it up.
- [18:23]
Kristin Carter
All done.
- [18:24]
Kristen Carter
Not 47 bottles and trying to remember when I last took what. It's just one daily ritual that helps me feel good, even when everything else is absolutely chaotic. Here's the best part. In December, AG1 has their best offer ever. When you head to drink ag1.com I have ADHD. You'll get the welcome kit, a morning person hat, which I know it's ironic and hilarious, a bottle of vitamin D3K2, an AG1 flavor sampler, and you'll get to try their new sleep supplement AGZ for free, which has been a game changer for my nightly routine. That's drink ag1.com I have ADHD for $126. Free gifts for new subscribers. And I have to say, one of the things you'll get in the welcome kit is this like metal piece canister and metal scoop. And I have been using the same one for years. It's really high quality. Every time I finish a, you know, package of AG1, I'll throw it in the dishwasher. It's clean and ready for the next package. And I absolutely love it. I know that's a random thing to.
- [19:36]
Kristin Carter
Talk about, but like, the quality of.
- [19:38]
Kristen Carter
The canister reflects, I think, the quality of the product. I've been using it for years. I absolutely love it. So don't forget to head to drinkag1.comihaveadhd for $126 in free gifts for new subscribers. You're definitely going to want to check it out.
- [20:00]
Kristin Carter
Okay. So you were diagnosed. Did you decide to go on medication?
- [20:04]
Bill Adair
I decided to go on an anti anxiety medication which I've taken ever since.
- [20:09]
Kristin Carter
How has that been for you?
- [20:10]
Bill Adair
It's been very helpful. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't take a stimulant, but I take an anti anxiety and I feel like it makes getting through the day, it makes the tougher projects seem a little easier. I'm less irritable, I'm less overwhelmed. And part of that, less, you know, part of the lessening of the overwhelm is the medication.
- [20:35]
Kristin Carter
Yeah. That's fantastic.
- [20:37]
Bill Adair
Definitely recommend it.
- [20:38]
Kristin Carter
That's fantastic. So what has your kind of journey been like since being diagnosed, medicated, having an understanding, like, what changes do you feel like you've been able to embody since that explosion of like, understanding about yourself?
- [20:59]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess I feel, I, I, I, I feel like I should also say it wasn't quite an explosion of understanding. It's been gradual.
- [21:08]
Kristin Carter
Okay.
- [21:10]
Bill Adair
I mean, there was part of me that was like, you know, as I said, hugely relieved and also like, great. Now I have another, you know, or I have a disability on top of my anxiety. I also like get to claim another disability or whatever.
- [21:21]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [21:22]
Bill Adair
But it actually has taken me a while to like fully accept that this is true about me. You know, I think in a lot of ways I've had, you know, and maybe it's old fashioned values or, you know, just like that I need, that I've needed to shed like, you know, just about sort of mental illness. I know ADHD is not a mental illness, but anxiety, my anxiety. I consider my anxiety to be a mental illness that I've worked on and treated. But you know, something that is, you know, a neurodivergency, something is like physiologically different about me. It has been hard for me to even like, is this true? Is this even a real thing? Which I know is a cliche, but I have gone through that. And also if it is a real thing, then is it really true for me? And I think that's a process. It's not a straight trajectory. It hasn't been for me. There's still days I'm like, really? Is this really true or is it just old messages like, you're just lazy, irresponsible and unreliable, Bill. And it's just a flawless. It's not, you know, a physiological reality. And so I think I'm a lot more in my skin about it than I used to be. And honestly, you know, being a part of focus, I know this isn't an advertisement for focus, but being a part of your coaching program has really helped. Meeting other people that have had it and have had similar experiences, using a lot of the tools that I've learned from you and others, having my own private ADHD coach talking about it in therapy, those have all been part of the, like, you know, the, you know, moving towards an understanding that this is my reality and it's okay and I need to understand those limitations and figure out how to deal with them rather than fight them.
- [23:16]
Kristin Carter
I so appreciate you naming the experience of grappling with whether or not this is true.
- [23:27]
Especially true for you. Do I just need to try harder and. Or is there something else going on here? I think a lot of listeners will resonate with that experience.
- [23:41]
Because there's a lot of messaging out there that's like, ADHD isn't really real and this is just like a childhood thing or this is just for people who want an excuse and we have that own programming inside of us. You had 55 years of programming of like, I just need to do better, I just need to try harder. I just need to like figure out what the thing Is that I'm missing.
- [24:06]
Bill Adair
If I just collected more potatoes, everything would be fine.
- [24:10]
Kristin Carter
Tell. Tell us about this, because I'm obsessed with your thinking on this. Tell us about the potatoes.
- [24:18]
Bill Adair
Well, two of my grandparents were from Ireland, so, you know, they literally grew up having to collect potatoes. Their families had to focus on, like, growing their own food every day and working their butts off or they would starve. So I feel like. And I knew my grandmother. I mean, she lived to be 105. She was one hearty woman.
- [24:38]
Kristin Carter
Wow.
- [24:39]
Bill Adair
And, you know, so. And my father absorbed that, of course, having two immigrant parents.
- [24:44]
Kristin Carter
Of course.
- [24:45]
Bill Adair
So there was, you know, work was based. Was how you survived. It wasn't like, for purpose or meaning or all the, like, luxuries that I've gotten to, like, you know, to actually experience. It was like how you actually, like, if you didn't collect the potatoes enough, winter would come and you would all starve. And that was only two generations away.
- [25:11]
Kristin Carter
That's wild from me.
- [25:12]
Kristen Carter
Yes.
- [25:13]
Bill Adair
Yeah. I mean, my. My grandmother grew up in, like, medieval Ireland. Right. I mean, it seemed that way, you know, no.
- [25:19]
Kristin Carter
No water.
- [25:19]
Bill Adair
No, you know, anyway. And I knew her.
- [25:22]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [25:22]
Bill Adair
I have a funny story. I hope it's okay to tell. I don't.
- [25:25]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [25:27]
Bill Adair
When I was, like, a teenager and, you know, wanted to sleep till noon every day, I woke up at like, 8 o' clock just to, like, go pee. Came back, she made my bed.
- [25:37]
Kristen Carter
And.
- [25:38]
Bill Adair
She was like, you are not going back to sleep.
- [25:40]
Kristin Carter
Find something to do in her Irish robe.
- [25:42]
Bill Adair
Which I can't really replicate, but yeah, you know, she. She was amazing.
- [25:47]
Kristin Carter
So that, like, work. We work to avoid death.
- [25:52]
Bill Adair
That's right. That's right.
- [25:53]
Kristin Carter
It's, like, embedded in your DNA.
- [25:54]
Bill Adair
Exactly. The potatoes.
- [25:56]
Kristin Carter
And, like, we gotta go collect potatoes. And when enough potatoes have been collected, then we're safe.
- [26:02]
Bill Adair
Then we're safe. And never. And never enough potatoes collected.
- [26:07]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [26:07]
Bill Adair
Because you can never really be safe because next year there might be a famine or, you know, whatever. I mean. Yeah. So worth was very connected to productivity. I mean, it's true for our hustle culture generally in America. Right. But it was especially true for, like, an immigrant family.
- [26:28]
Kristin Carter
Wow. And so how that's still something that you're noticing in yourself.
- [26:35]
Bill Adair
Totally. There's the potatoes.
- [26:37]
Kristin Carter
Yeah. It's so cute the way you talk about it. Like, it's very endearing. But I can imagine that it's also distressing.
- [26:45]
Bill Adair
Yeah, it is. Because on any given day, I don't feel like I've ever collected enough potatoes, metaphorically. You know, it's just like, I feel like I've never. There's no such thing as productive enough. Oh, God.
- [27:00]
Kristin Carter
That's going to resonate with everybody listening, because we don't ever feel like we're done.
- [27:08]
Bill Adair
Totally.
- [27:08]
Kristin Carter
We don't ever feel like we focused well enough, we were consistent enough, we were productive enough. And so many of us measure not only our worth, but our freedom to rest. Like, am I allowed to take a break? Well, let me look at my list. What did I get done? What didn't I get done?
- [27:34]
Yeah. And it's like such a perpetual hamster wheel. Do you feel like you're able to extricate yourself from the wheel?
- [27:44]
Bill Adair
At times, I wish I could say that. I can do it all the time, and I can see that it's irrational, especially at this point in my life. I'm 62, and, you know, my father was retired for two years by the time he was my age, and both of my siblings are retired, so it's like, I still.
- [28:04]
Kristin Carter
You're still collecting potatoes?
- [28:05]
Bill Adair
I still feel like if I don't. Yes.
- [28:09]
Kristin Carter
I.
- [28:09]
Bill Adair
It's. It's irrational.
- [28:13]
Kristin Carter
Do you work because you love it? And I feel like you're gonna say yes. Do you work because you love it or because you need to collect the potatoes? And the answer is yes.
- [28:22]
Bill Adair
Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I almost feel like. I mean, there's purpose in the work that I do inherently because I believe in my work, but also I feel like I don't know what my purpose would be if I wasn't collecting potatoes every day. So that's. Yeah.
- [28:40]
Kristin Carter
Can I tell you my perspective? And this is as someone who's 44, so I am not there, but I kind of think retirement's a scam.
- [28:49]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
- [28:51]
Kristin Carter
You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to. To stop with the purpose part, you know, and not that our only purpose is found in work.
- [29:00]
Bill Adair
Right, right, right. Yeah.
- [29:02]
Kristin Carter
But my kids are gonna grow up, and they're gonna have their own kids, and they're gonna be living their lives, and, like, I don't play golf.
- [29:12]
Bill Adair
No, I don't play golf.
- [29:13]
Kristin Carter
You're saying, like, I don't play pickleball. I don't play. I don't. Like, I want to have meaningful work as long as the Lord allows me to.
- [29:23]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Same. I think I'll always work.
- [29:24]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [29:25]
Bill Adair
I would like to feel like I am choosing.
- [29:29]
Kristin Carter
Aha.
- [29:30]
Bill Adair
That's to work shift and not. You know, I would like to let go of the need to prove my Worth through productivity on any given day as opposed to working. Because it gives me purpose and structure and joy, even on meaningful contribution to the world and feeling like I'm impacting the world.
- [29:56]
Anyway, I'm jealous of my siblings. They have fantastic lives as retired people and they keep themselves very engaged in being dizzy. Yeah. It's just a little different for me, you know, I think.
- [30:07]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, yeah. And part of that might be the hyperactive.
- [30:11]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah.
- [30:12]
Kristin Carter
The adhd, the like the chugga chugga internally. Like, you want me to read a book? Sit and read.
- [30:21]
Bill Adair
Yeah. 10 minutes. Sure. Half an hour. Sure. But what about the rest of the day? Yeah, yeah, dude, I. Yeah, good point. I hadn't actually thought about that. That it could be another benefit to adhd. I know it's not a gift.
- [30:33]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [30:34]
Bill Adair
But it has some advantages. Right. And I think maybe being driven at times is that energy.
- [30:41]
Kristin Carter
Like who else has that?
- [30:43]
Bill Adair
Right, right.
- [30:44]
Kristin Carter
Like, look around. There are so few people in the world that just have the, the drive, the energy, the internal engine.
- [30:53]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [30:53]
Kristin Carter
You know, and like, I don't think that shuts off at, at any given age. It's like.
- [30:58]
Bill Adair
Right, right.
- [30:59]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [31:00]
Bill Adair
I'm just a little more exhausted at the end of the day, so.
- [31:04]
Kristin Carter
True. Okay, I want to shift into chatting about the reason why I asked you to come on the pod because. No, I've loved all of this, but I reached out to you because you shared something in our Slack group. So for the listener, my focus ADHD coaching program, we have our community hangout on Slack. It's not on social media because why would anybody with ADHD hang out on social media? We get stuck there all day long.
- [31:37]
Bill Adair
It's much more personal.
- [31:39]
Kristin Carter
It is. It does feel really connected.
- [31:42]
And you shared a huge win that you made the choice to hire someone or some. A couple people to help you with the mundane things, the day to day mundane things around the house. And what it did for you was allow you to put so much more of yourself into the work that you love and give you the brain space to do that. And I. My mind was blown.
- [32:14]
Bill Adair
Well, this was your idea. I mean, I've heard you say several times, when you can, why not hire someone to be your frontal cortex to actually like help you with some of the executive functions that don't come naturally. And so, you know, I absorb that over time. And so yeah, I have actually tried to. And you know, also there's happiness research that demonstrates that like, you know, that time abundance is, you know, much more important than like money abundance.
- [32:47]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [32:47]
Bill Adair
So feeling like, my time is freed up to do things that I find meaningful rather than, you know, okay, work a few extra hours, get a few, you know, or have a side gig and make more money or whatever is less important to me than finding time to do the things that actually matter to me. So hiring people to do things that I. That are drudgery for me has been kind of a game changer.
- [33:08]
Kristin Carter
Oh, I love it. Okay, let's start at how did you know that you needed help?
- [33:15]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [33:15]
Kristin Carter
Well, what were the signs.
- [33:17]
Bill Adair
I've known my whole life that he needed help with things like paying bills and paying parking tickets before they expire. Right, Philly? Right. We get a parking ticket a week.
- [33:27]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [33:28]
Bill Adair
And they're, you know, whatever.
- [33:29]
Kristin Carter
70 bucks.
- [33:30]
Bill Adair
70 bucks.
- [33:31]
Kristin Carter
I know, because I get them all.
- [33:33]
Bill Adair
They're not even valid parking tickets, but you still have to, like, contest them and blah, blah, blah.
- [33:37]
Kristin Carter
Right.
- [33:37]
Bill Adair
Anyway, you know, just all those things, like, paperwork is the enemy, and it has been my whole freaking life.
- [33:44]
Kristen Carter
Yeah.
- [33:44]
Bill Adair
You know, and so I finally. I finally hired someone to take care of. You know, I married someone to do some of it, but that's not really.
- [33:55]
Kristin Carter
Wait, what part did he take care of?
- [33:58]
Bill Adair
You know, he takes care of a lot of the. Like, you know, oh, we have to have somebody, you know, come and, like, fix the heater or whatever. The water heater breaks.
- [34:05]
Kristin Carter
Okay. I see.
- [34:06]
Bill Adair
He's good at stuff like that.
- [34:10]
Kristin Carter
But, you know, this is why partnerships are so important. Yeah.
- [34:13]
Bill Adair
They help a lot.
- [34:14]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [34:14]
Bill Adair
Those arrangements help a lot. I mean, it's share. It's shared.
- [34:17]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [34:17]
Bill Adair
It's shared household duties.
- [34:19]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [34:19]
Bill Adair
Yeah. And we do actually share household duties, which is really nice. But, you know, I'm still responsible for my own paperwork.
- [34:28]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [34:29]
Bill Adair
And for, like, picking up my own dry cleaning and going to the drug. You know, getting. Picking up my drugs at my prescriptions and all those things, and folding my own laundry. And I have figured out ways, honestly, I have figured out ways, Kristen, to hire people to do those things, which I absolutely hate, and I've always sucked at it.
- [34:51]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [34:52]
Kristen Carter
Yes. Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable.
- [34:58]
Kristin Carter
Time, you wake up early, you make.
- [35:00]
Kristen Carter
A list, you cross things off the list in order, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, we know what to do. But ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That's why I created focused. It's an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I'm a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019, I've coached over 4,000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from hot mess express to grounded and thriving. I'll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior, and accept yourself, flaws and all. And with this foundation, we'll build the skills to improve your life with adhd. And not only do you get skills and tools in focus, but you're surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr. Ned Hallowell says, healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you're an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused, Go to I have ADHD.com focused to learn more. That's I have ADHD.com focused to check it out.
- [36:30]
Kristin Carter
Okay, I misunderstood when you said I absolutely hate. I thought you were saying you hate that you hired people, but you meant you hate those tasks.
- [36:37]
Bill Adair
I hate those tasks.
- [36:38]
Kristin Carter
Okay.
- [36:38]
Bill Adair
No, I don't hate having people do it for me.
- [36:40]
Kristin Carter
Right. I think that it's so important to really make it clear that you and I both understand this is not gonna be accessible to every single person listening to me.
- [36:52]
Bill Adair
100%. Yeah.
- [36:53]
Kristin Carter
100%.
- [36:54]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [36:54]
Kristin Carter
But there are a lot of people listening who do have money to spend, who feel like I shouldn't spend my money in that way.
- [37:05]
Bill Adair
Right, right.
- [37:06]
Kristin Carter
And these. This is what we really wanna speak to, is like, yes, you should, like, you're absolutely allowed to.
- [37:16]
Bill Adair
Right.
- [37:16]
Kristin Carter
And we want to write a little permission slip for that because.
- [37:23]
It. Did you. Let me start here. Did you have the thought at any point, well, I can do this stuff myself, so I should.
- [37:32]
Bill Adair
Yeah, of course. I mean, for like, 57 years.
- [37:35]
Kristin Carter
Okay. So for five and a half decades.
- [37:39]
Bill Adair
Yeah, I mean, probably for 60 years, I felt that way. I mean, it's only been relatively recently that I have kind of embraced this idea. And, you know, I very much thank you for writing me the permission slip. And if I can help anyone else write their permission slips, it does make a big difference. And of course, I feel lucky that I can do that. And I know many, many, many, perhaps most people just don't have any kind of, like, you know, money in reserve to do that, but I will say it's not like I'm rich. I mean, we prioritize having the money, you know, we'll take, you know, one less trip, a year or two less days, fewer days at the shore or whatever, you know. Yeah, we've made. I do feel like we've made some sacrifices in order for me to prioritize, you know. So you want me to tell you a little bit about.
- [38:27]
Kristin Carter
Tell me everything.
- [38:28]
Bill Adair
Yeah, and I think I.
- [38:29]
Kristin Carter
Tell us all your business.
- [38:30]
Bill Adair
I think this idea came from you, the idea of hiring a part time personal assistant. Assistant. Which sounds super fancy, but it's anything but. I mean. Yeah, right, Exactly. I mean, we hired this guy who's like, he's a Dungeons and Dragons dude right out of college, and he's. He's. There's nothing fancy about him. But, you know, when I got the idea, which I think was from you, of like, trying to find somebody who could help me just do some paperwork, run some errands, you know, do things that I really didn't feel like I had time or I wanted to prioritize. Other things, like, you know, being able to, like, go to a work function that I really wanted to go to or something like that. I started asking around. I think I know I didn't post on Facebook. I started asking friends, yeah, do you know of someone? And a friend, like, within days, I found this guy and he was looking for something. He works at a tennis shop. He's out of college, will eventually go to graduate school. But he's like, you know, right now I'm just kind of like, you know, hanging out, figuring out who I am, you know, you know, playing Dungeons and Dragons. So I was like, okay, so are you down for working two or three hours a week for me to do, you know, drudgery. But, you know, we'll hang out, we'll have fun. And he was like, yeah, you know, he was like, I really like working with people and this will give me a chance to, like, you know, just, you know, like, do something different. He was like, looking for something kind of fun and different to do. And I was like, oh, it'll be different all right. So, yeah, he's helped me from everything from paying the, you know, parking tickets or contesting them. More likely to, you know, a couple times a month, they'll go pick up prescriptions.
- [40:10]
Kristin Carter
Nice.
- [40:11]
Bill Adair
Takes the dry cleaning, you know, from. From things like, you know, I feel like I'm always getting letters from, you know, business letters of some sort.
- [40:19]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [40:19]
Bill Adair
Like, from my, like, you know, my Retirement company or somebody who wants something from please fill out this form. You know, or you did this wrong or, you know, like I haven't had my own business in Philadelphia for like four years, but I still get letters from the city of Philadelphia. You haven't filled out your tax forms for the city. And it's like, I don't have. So he's take, he takes care of that.
- [40:44]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [40:45]
Bill Adair
He's finally like resolved that for me because he can like afford to be on the phone for an hour. He gets paid for it. In order to solve these problems that I'm like, if I'm on the phone for an hour, I'm a mess.
- [40:57]
Kristin Carter
Yes. Yeah.
- [40:58]
Bill Adair
Total mess.
- [40:59]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [41:00]
Bill Adair
So it's taking a lot of stress off me. It's, you know, it's, I just love. I have this list on my phone that I make throughout the week.
- [41:09]
Kristin Carter
Okay. I was wondering how you did this.
- [41:11]
Bill Adair
Yeah. And I then like on, on Thursday mornings, he comes in and I get up a little early in order to be there for him. He comes into the house, we meet in my dining room and we go through the list and we talk about. Okay. And he does stuff during the week, like when we're not together as well. So he'll, he'll, you know, tell me what's, what he's accomplished from my list. We'll go through it. And I love checking those things off my list.
- [41:37]
Kristin Carter
And you didn't even have to do them.
- [41:39]
Bill Adair
And I didn't have to do them.
- [41:40]
Kristin Carter
Yes. Is it, has it been hard for you to figure out what to tell him to do? Was that difficult at first? Because I feel like that is the pushback that I get sometimes when I suggest that someone hire an assistant, they say I don't even know what I would have them do.
- [41:58]
Bill Adair
Well, it's become more clear over time.
- [42:00]
Kristin Carter
Sure.
- [42:01]
Bill Adair
So there has been a learning curve for both of us. Right. So it's gotten easier to figure out what things he's good at or what things I really have to take care of myself. If there's a ton of follow up questions and things like that, it's sometimes just easier for me to take of care.
- [42:16]
Kristin Carter
Care of it myself.
- [42:18]
Bill Adair
But yeah, I mean, it's been a process.
- [42:20]
Kristin Carter
Sure.
- [42:20]
Bill Adair
Of trying to figure out how to maximize his capacity to help him out. But it's worked. And you know, there are things like, you know, he has my credit card numbers.
- [42:33]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [42:34]
Bill Adair
He has my password for my email. So I didn't give those things to him at first.
- [42:40]
Kristin Carter
Of course.
- [42:41]
Bill Adair
Right. You know, we Built some trust over, you know, a month or two before I started giving him the keys to the kingdom or whatever. And there's still things that I think I wouldn't have him do. I can't really think of an example at the moment, but I'm not gonna have him call my doctor's office and, like, talk to my doctor.
- [43:01]
Kristin Carter
Sure, sure, sure.
- [43:02]
Bill Adair
I mean, that's just stuff I have to do. But he can cancel an appointment that I know I can't get to and reschedule it. Yeah, so. Or, like, you know, order prescriptions or, you know. You know, he makes, like, our vet appointments and things like that and, you know, stuff that just drive me crazy.
- [43:20]
Kristin Carter
Hang over your head. Take up brain space. Feel like, I gotta do it, I gotta do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. Just like always there, nagging at you. And now you put it on a list, and this Dungeons and Dragons gentlemen takes care of it.
- [43:36]
Bill Adair
He takes care of it.
- [43:37]
Kristin Carter
I am obsessed.
- [43:39]
Bill Adair
Yeah, it's really great. And then the other thing is, is that we asked. We do have someone. We're privileged enough to have someone who comes in and cleans the house. And she would come every other week for years. And then, you know, I was just been. I was thinking. I was listening to you, and I was like, are there other things that we could have her do? Like laundry, for instance, which I also hate doing. And I especially hate folding laundry. You know, the classic. You know, we would have clean clothes in piles, piles around the. You know, it's just, like, crazy. And so I asked her, if we. If we had you come in every other. If we have come in every week, could. Would you be willing to do my laundry and fold it? And she was like, of course.
- [44:26]
Kristin Carter
God bless.
- [44:26]
Bill Adair
And she does the most amazing job. Like. Like, things are so nicely folded.
- [44:32]
Kristin Carter
Way better than you.
- [44:34]
Bill Adair
Yeah. I don't think my T shirts have ever been folded, ever. Until they met her. And now they're perfectly folded. Yeah.
- [44:41]
Kristin Carter
Does she do your partner's laundry, too?
- [44:42]
Bill Adair
She does it sometimes. And she does, like, the joint library.
- [44:46]
Kristin Carter
Library.
- [44:49]
Bill Adair
This is a strange part of dementia.
- [44:53]
Is it adhd or is it dementia? Oh, now, do you do that? Do you substitute words?
- [44:58]
Kristen Carter
Yes.
- [44:58]
Kristin Carter
And my husband does not think it's cute. Like, he gets so annoyed. He's like, what are you saying? And then I get mad at him because I'm like, obviously, I meant laundry.
- [45:11]
Bill Adair
Right, right, right.
- [45:13]
Kristin Carter
But he takes it so literally. So he's then, like, thinking about libraries and I'm like, why can't you find this cute? And he doesn't. He doesn't at all.
- [45:22]
Bill Adair
Yeah. I'm glad you don't feel like it's early onset or something.
- [45:25]
Kristin Carter
No, you do not have dementia. This is adhd.
- [45:28]
Bill Adair
My favorite one of those is my. My husband once. Do we have. Do we have a long attention span? And I meant to ask, do we have a long extension cord? And. Yeah. Is that an ADHD thing?
- [45:41]
Kristin Carter
I think. I think. Yeah.
- [45:43]
Bill Adair
All right. I like it. I like it.
- [45:44]
Kristin Carter
I mean, I don't have any listener. I don't have any data or, like, research to back this up. I have a lot of anecdotal evidence for it, though.
- [45:51]
Bill Adair
You'll know if I have full dementia in a year. Turned out it was early.
- [45:54]
Kristin Carter
We'll keep tabs on you.
- [45:57]
Bill Adair
Anyway.
- [46:00]
She does the joint laundry. Like, you know, like, napkins and dish towels and things.
- [46:07]
Kristin Carter
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
- [46:09]
Bill Adair
So. And it's great.
- [46:10]
Kristin Carter
Good.
- [46:11]
Bill Adair
It's amazing. And it actually. It really helps her. She's like an immigrant from Poland, and she needed more work, and she was delighted to get it. And we do. It is a little bit of a stretch for us to have someone come in every week. A financial stretch.
- [46:27]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [46:28]
Bill Adair
But it is. I can't tell you what joy it is for me to come home and have my laundry done and folded and, you know, I come home from work exhausted almost every day. My job is super intense. And, you know, and those kinds of things just, like, they really, like, they help me get through another day.
- [46:48]
Kristin Carter
Wow.
- [46:49]
Bill Adair
Right. Like, I don't have to come home and look at dirty laundry or look at unfolded laundry and then feel even more tired. You know, it's not like I'm gonna do it right, but I just feel doubly tired. Tired after, you know, the expectations.
- [47:03]
Kristin Carter
A laundry pile is. Is it like an expectation on you? 100%.
- [47:07]
Bill Adair
And it's. It's harder for us, right? It's just harder for us.
- [47:12]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [47:13]
Bill Adair
And so I just. You asked a que. You've asked this question a few times over the years, like, what if this was easy or easier? And I really try to have that in my head. Like, what if having a really, you know, like, a nice house was easy, a clean house was easy, and this is a way to make it easier.
- [47:35]
Kristin Carter
Yes. And then that, in turn, just makes existing easier.
- [47:41]
Bill Adair
Yes. It makes me better at my job, and it just makes me better at my life.
- [47:45]
Kristin Carter
So can you talk about that a little bit? How does it make you better at your job when you have outsourced these other drudgery tasks. I love how you labeled it drudgery.
- [47:57]
Bill Adair
Yeah, it's like drudgery.
- [47:58]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, it's a perfect word. How has that made you better at your job? How's that made the potato collecting even better?
- [48:07]
Bill Adair
All right, well, okay, so let's mix the metaphors. We're gonna use spoons to collect.
- [48:12]
Kristin Carter
Okay.
- [48:12]
Bill Adair
To collect potatoes. Okay.
- [48:14]
Kristin Carter
Let's bring in some spoon theory.
- [48:16]
Bill Adair
Let's bring in some spoons. I definitely have a very limited number of spoons on any given day. And my job right now is very intense, and it takes up, I would say, 80% of my spoons. Right. So if I. So say I have 20. 20% of my spoons left. I'd rather use those to, like, take a hike.
- [48:42]
Kristin Carter
Yep.
- [48:43]
Bill Adair
Or, like, organize a birthday party for my husband.
- [48:47]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [48:47]
Bill Adair
Or like, call an old friend.
- [48:51]
Kristin Carter
Connection.
- [48:52]
Bill Adair
Zoom. With my college friends.
- [48:53]
Kristin Carter
Yes. Yes.
- [48:54]
Bill Adair
You know, organize a zoom call. Or, like, go up to New York and see. I. Last month, I went up and saw a couple of my friends read their poems at a bookstore. They were so freaked out and surprised to see me.
- [49:04]
Kristin Carter
Oh, that is so fun.
- [49:05]
Bill Adair
That takes spoons. Right. And I'd rather use my spoons for things that actually bring my life meaning and purpose. I feel like I'm lucky enough to do that. But if I don't have to use a spoon on my laundry or on parking tickets or to remember to go pick up my prescription, then I'd rather use it for other things. Yeah. I mean, it seems clear when I talk about it like that, that it's worth it. And I. Most of the time, I feel like it is. I mean, I still have a little residual guilt.
- [49:40]
Kristin Carter
Sure.
- [49:41]
Bill Adair
About, you know, like, who am I, like, too big for my britches, Putting on notions.
- [49:48]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [49:48]
Bill Adair
Like paying somebody to go pick up my drag cleaning.
- [49:52]
Kristin Carter
Who.
- [49:52]
Bill Adair
Who do I think I am?
- [49:54]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [49:54]
Bill Adair
But it's not about that. It's like, I just. I feel like I'm just. It's just reality for me. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just. In fact, it's like understanding that I have limited capacity.
- [50:07]
Kristin Carter
You summed it up so perfectly just in that phrase. Like, it's not about being better. It's about understanding who you really are and what you need and being willing then to give yourself what you need. I think that's such a key because so often we withhold from ourselves because we think, if I could just focus better, if I could just work harder, if I just wasn't so lazy. If I just managed my time better, then I wouldn't have to pay someone to do it, so I shouldn't pay someone to do it. And my heart breaks for anyone who's sitting with that perspective. Because there's still a measure of self acceptance that needs to be embraced. There's still a measure of understanding and compassion that still needs to be woven into your personhood. Because I think that's what is required in order to really outsource is understanding yourself, knowing your limitations, but not judging yourself for them. Being like, okay, here are my limitations. How can I support myself? What do I need? And of course, not everyone is going to be able to just like today, go hire someone to do their laundry. But literally, in my community, there is a laundry service that is $5 a load. $5 a load. So I mean, most people are listening to this on their iPhones, right? Like most people can afford $5 for a laundry. So, like, she comes and picks it up and then drops it back off to you for five bucks. Wow, that's crazy talk.
- [51:51]
Bill Adair
Yeah, exactly.
- [51:52]
Kristin Carter
That's crazy. Like there are services like that out there, but we don't even allow our look for them until we have that self compassion that says, I'm not a loser, I'm not lazy. I am not. I don't just need to work harder. I need to figure out how to support myself.
- [52:13]
Bill Adair
Right. I hadn't thought of it that way. I mean, I've just thought of it as sort of a practical matter, but never thought of it as an act of compassion.
- [52:20]
Kristin Carter
Self compassion, 100%.
- [52:23]
Bill Adair
But yeah, it has been.
- [52:25]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [52:26]
Bill Adair
And you know, I know that I'm lucky to be able to afford those things, but as you say, it's not all of it has to be expensive. I pay the guy who helps us.
- [52:38]
Every week just for a few hours, 25 bucks an hour. So it adds up to be, you know, a couple hundred dollars a month. And I know a lot of people don't have that extra, but, you know, it just means that we have to move money from, you know, we have.
- [52:48]
Kristin Carter
Sure.
- [52:49]
Bill Adair
Prioritize. And I prioritize it.
- [52:51]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [52:52]
Bill Adair
Prioritizing the spoons that matter.
- [52:54]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, that was a word. We're gonna stitch that on a pillow.
- [52:58]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Prioritize the spoons that matter.
- [53:00]
Kristin Carter
That's so good.
- [53:01]
Bill Adair
Do it.
- [53:02]
Kristin Carter
That is.
- [53:03]
Bill Adair
If only we weren't ADHD and we could actually, like, crochet or embroider.
- [53:07]
Kristin Carter
There's no way.
- [53:09]
Bill Adair
High five.
- [53:09]
Kristin Carter
You could commission someone. One of your artists will commission someone.
- [53:13]
Bill Adair
To do that, because no way. No way do I have the patience for that.
- [53:16]
Kristin Carter
Oh, my gosh. So what do you feel like is your next step for outsourcing? Do you have a next step? So right now you're. You have a cleaning service, a laundry service, Same person.
- [53:29]
Bill Adair
Right, right, right.
- [53:30]
Kristin Carter
We have the drudgery tasks. Is there anything else that you're kind of like, ooh, someday I want to have someone do this.
- [53:40]
Bill Adair
Wow, that's raw.
- [53:43]
Kristin Carter
But I kind of see more of it in your future. Do you, like, maybe this is retirement? Like, maybe that's what retirement is. It's like, I don't do anything I don't want to do.
- [53:53]
Bill Adair
Right, right, right, right. That is a very good goal for a time.
- [53:55]
Kristin Carter
Cause I like that I would do that kind of retirement.
- [53:58]
Bill Adair
Yeah, right, right, right, right. Yeah. No, that makes total sense. I'd like to be able to pay someone to exercise for me.
- [54:06]
Kristin Carter
Oh, my God. Go take this yoga class for me.
- [54:09]
Bill Adair
Right, right, right. Exactly. You know, I really. I need to. You know, I need to work on my upper body. Could you please go to school?
- [54:16]
Kristin Carter
Would you ever hire, like, do you think it would be supportive to hire a trainer to come to your house?
- [54:22]
Bill Adair
Yes, exactly. I think that that's right. Making it easier for me to exercise would be. Definitely be something I could imagine hiring someone to do. Yes, absolutely.
- [54:34]
Kristin Carter
What would that look like? Like, in a perfect world, like, what. How would you.
- [54:40]
Like, Would they come to your house? Would it be a couple times a week?
- [54:43]
Bill Adair
They would come to my house and.
- [54:44]
Kristin Carter
They would bring you an iced coffee.
- [54:47]
Bill Adair
Right. They bring me a nice protein shake.
- [54:50]
Kristin Carter
There it is.
- [54:51]
Bill Adair
Right. Yeah. I think the things that still really stress me out are, like, eating healthily.
- [54:56]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, right.
- [54:57]
Bill Adair
And exercising, like, finding time and cognitive capacity to think about those things. Right. So I would say being able to pay someone to, like, you know, like, be a nutritionist for me. Right. You know, I mean, ideally, in a total fantasy world, you know, they would, you know, like, you know, make me super healthy food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day.
- [55:18]
Kristin Carter
Dude, I'm.
- [55:18]
Bill Adair
If I was rich, right?
- [55:21]
Kristin Carter
Like, meal prep and just kind of, like, have it in there.
- [55:23]
Bill Adair
Yeah, exactly.
- [55:25]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [55:25]
Bill Adair
But, you know, I definitely. I think I would like to, like, pay a nutritionist to really help me create a meal plan every week and things like that. You know, these are. These are fantasies, Right?
- [55:34]
Kristin Carter
Sure.
- [55:35]
Bill Adair
Or somebody to, like, really guide me through an exercise regimen that, you know, would, you know, help really help me feel completely healthy.
- [55:42]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [55:43]
Bill Adair
I do go to the gym, and I do actually Have a trainer at the gym, but you still have to, like, get yourself there, and it's so hard. Yeah. Yeah. So. But that's. I think those are things that still really weigh on me, especially as I age. You know, it's just like, now or never. Like, I. I need to. I need to eat healthily now. Now. I need to start exercising more now.
- [56:04]
Kristin Carter
Now.
- [56:04]
Bill Adair
So I. I am being better at it, but it takes a lot of spoons for me to figure out how to eat healthily.
- [56:11]
Kristin Carter
Yeah. And they're not always available to you, so I'm guessing that it's a little bit inconsistent with the eating based on whether or not you have the spoons to, like, give to it. Yeah.
- [56:23]
Bill Adair
And when my spoons are dried up, I'll, like, get a cheesesteak.
- [56:25]
Kristin Carter
100%.
- [56:26]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [56:27]
Kristin Carter
100%.
- [56:28]
Bill Adair
Not. Not. Not good. And, you know, I think I have my good days and my bad days. I have cheesesteak days, and I have, you know, like, poke bowl days. Yes.
- [56:38]
Kristin Carter
I think that that is one of the things for me as well. I've thought about it so much. Like, do I want to prioritize having someone come to the house and exercise with me?
- [56:49]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [56:50]
Kristin Carter
Yeah. Yeah. And just.
- [56:53]
Because, like, I do like to go to classes, but they're always at weird times that are just, like, not fit with my schedule. And I don't do it on my own. I hike on my own. But that's. I mean, I need to, like, lift weights and.
- [57:06]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [57:06]
Kristin Carter
I just. I'm not gonna do that.
- [57:08]
Bill Adair
It's really hard to do.
- [57:09]
Kristin Carter
Promise you I won't do that.
- [57:10]
Bill Adair
No, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. So I think. Yeah. I mean, in the same way that, like, having my laundry folded is taking care of myself, I think some of those other ways in which I really do want to take care of myself more better.
- [57:22]
Kristin Carter
Yeah.
- [57:23]
Bill Adair
And more better. More effectively.
- [57:24]
Kristin Carter
Wow.
- [57:25]
Bill Adair
I also need a grammar tutor, apparently, would be. Yeah. Like, you know, someone to help me with my food. Somebody to help me with, you know, just like. Yeah. As I age, you know, like, healthy aging.
- [57:39]
Kristin Carter
I love that. I see it in your future.
- [57:43]
Bill Adair
I hope you're right.
- [57:44]
Kristin Carter
I think it's probably gonna happen soon. I love that.
- [57:48]
This has been.
- [57:51]
I just smacked my mic, which I only do when I'm feeling very passionate. This has been so good.
- [57:56]
Bill Adair
It's been fun.
- [57:58]
Kristin Carter
You're smacking your mic, too. I love it. That's how we know it's been very fun. That's how we know that it was good. I just so Appreciate your perspective. I'm curious.
- [58:09]
I imagine that people are listening with the thought of like, well that's great for him.
- [58:16]
Bill Adair
Yeah.
- [58:16]
Kristin Carter
But I just need to get my shit together and if I would just work harder then I could get these things done. Or I shouldn't pay someone to do it because I could do it myself. I'm just wondering, like, do you have any encouragement for a listener who's maybe like on the fence or considering making the move to hire someone to help with the drudgery?
- [58:42]
Bill Adair
Yeah, I mean, I think that, you know.
- [58:45]
When we acknowledge that we have ADHD and we start thinking about coping skills and we start working on things like getting enough sleep. Right. Or giving ourselves more time to get places, the kind of self care, self compassion moves that we make. I mean, I think this is another kind of self care and self compassion that we can think about.
- [59:11]
When you think about spend three or four dollars on a latte every day, that adds up. I mean, you could spend that amount of money hiring someone, having a laundry service or hiring someone to do your taxes or your paperwork or something like that. I mean it is, I mean, and once again, I will say, I know not everyone has discretionary money to do this, but a lot of middle class people spend money on things that they don't necessarily get tremendous value from. And you know, as I've gotten older, like figuring out what I want to spend my money on has been an incredibly important journey. Right. And as someone with ADHD as well. Right. So for me it's about, you know, prioritizing my self compassion over something that feels like a treat every day. But in the end, you know, I get a lot less bang for the buck.
- [60:08]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [60:09]
Bill Adair
A lot less purpose from it. So yeah, for us, you know, not being able to have expensive lattes every day or another trip to Europe or whatever, you know, it's worth it for me to be able to stay just a little bit more sane on a.
- [60:26]
Kristin Carter
Daily weekly basis that sanity is so important. And I don't think it can be overstated what a difference it makes when those drudgery tasks are not screaming at you. Yeah. Just like how much more sanity is available to you.
- [60:45]
Bill Adair
Yeah. I gained spoons just by coming home and looking at my folded laundry.
- [60:48]
Kristin Carter
Yes. Wow.
- [60:51]
Bill Adair
I feel, I really feel like I.
- [60:52]
Kristin Carter
Do, I like have this visual picture of like a video game where like the life expectancy is like raising because you're just like, ah, exactly. I don't have to do that.
- [61:04]
Bill Adair
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parking ticket paid.
- [61:09]
Kristin Carter
Yes.
- [61:10]
Bill Adair
Now I have energy to take a walk.
- [61:13]
Kristin Carter
Oh, my gosh, I love that. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
- [61:16]
Bill Adair
Yeah. Thanks for listening.
- [61:18]
Kristin Carter
Yeah, it was really great to have you.
- [61:20]
Bill Adair
And thank you, Kristen, for honestly, like, planting all these seeds in my head and offering all these, you know, these things that, you know, in a lot of other places might be considered luxuries and in this context, feel like survival skills. Yes.
- [61:35]
Kristin Carter
Oh, my gosh, I love that. Thank you, listener. Thank you so much for being here. We have enjoyed every second that we've gotten to spend with you. And if you've enjoyed this conversation, don't forget to do the things you know what to do. You're gonna like, you're gonna subscribe, you're gonna rate, you're gonna inject that dopamine right up into my veins. And I can't wait to talk to you next week. I'll see you then. Bye. Bye.
- [62:00]
Kristen Carter
A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn't find anything, so I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for you. Focused on is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I'm confident that you will, too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the details.
- [62:50]
Shopify Sponsor
Shopify's point of sale system helps you sell at every stage of your business. Need a fast and secure way to take payments in person?
- [62:58]
We've got you covered. How about card readers you can rely on anywhere you sell?
- [63:02]
Kristen Carter
Thanks.
- [63:02]
Shopify Sponsor
Have a good one. Yep, that too. Want one place to manage all your online and in person sales? That's kind of our thing. Wherever you sell. Businesses that grow grow with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at shopify.com listen. Shopify.com listen.