359 BITESIZE |

Summary

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I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 359 BITESIZE (Dec 11, 2025)

Host: Kristen Carder
Format: Bite-size highlight episode (approx. 13 minutes content; guest and host's names not fully provided in transcript)

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Episode Overview

In this bite-sized episode, Kristen Carder shares a powerful clip from a longer conversation focused on the struggles of living and working with chronic pain, self-advocacy, and self-abandonment within the context of ADHD—especially in high-stress work environments like medicine. The guest, who has experienced both ADHD and chronic pain following brain surgery, discusses the intersection of these challenges: masking symptoms, not being believed, and eventually finding the courage to prioritize self-care despite internal and external resistance.

The episode is empathetic, deeply honest, and uplifting for listeners facing similar battles of self-acceptance and boundary-setting.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Pressure to "Push Through" in Medicine and Life with ADHD

• Cultural Challenges:

  • The guest describes a medical field culture “where people put IVs in themselves to walk around and do rounds,” pushing past pain as a mark of endurance rather than a warning sign.
  • “There's this sort of deeply ingrained...culture of we just push through, which is not healthy or functional.” (03:18 – Guest)

• Invisible Pain & Masking:

  • Pain that isn’t outwardly obvious is frequently minimized, whether self-imposed or by others.
  • “It doesn't look like I'm in pain...being so worried about what other people are going to think or believe about me just became all I could focus on.” (08:44, 08:51 – Guest)

2. Self-Abandonment vs. Self-Advocacy

• Internalizing Doubt:

  • ADHDers may fear not being believed—by colleagues, superiors, even themselves—about their symptoms and needs.
  • The guest describes the harrowing battle between knowing their own limits and worrying about letting others down or being perceived as dramatic or lazy.
  • “There was just so much gaslighting of, like, they're gonna think it's not real. And then I start doubting—are you being dramatic?” (10:10 – Guest)

• Moment of Self-Recognition:

  • Overwhelmed by pain and exhaustion, the guest realized continuing as before wasn't sustainable:
    “I ended up thanking my pain for getting so bad that I couldn't ignore it anymore.” (04:50 – Guest)
  • Taking a medical leave became not just a physical necessity but an act of reclaiming agency and compassion for oneself.

3. The Decision to Take Medical Leave

• The Practical and Emotional Path:

  • Therapy, coaching (including Kristen's FOCUSED program), and a supportive neurologist played key roles.
  • “I was spending $300 to $500 a week to try to get out of pain so I could go to work...I just need to stop.” (05:29, 05:54 – Guest)
  • The process included administrative battles, communicating with HR, and overcoming the deeply rooted need to ultimately “not let anyone down.”

• The Power of External Validation:

  • The guest’s neurologist offered perspective: “This is the stupidest long game if you’re faking it. So you had surgery on your brain 12 years ago to plan for calling out of work in 12 years?” (12:59 – Guest quoting neurologist)

4. Healing, Neuroplasticity & Regulating the Nervous System

• Learning About Chronic Pain:

  • Discussion of Norman Doidge’s books, especially “The Brain that Heals Itself,” and conferences on neuroplasticity and chronic pain. (06:44 – Host)
  • Importance of validating that pain is real, even when the nervous system or brain rewiring is involved.

• Where Healing Starts:

  • Accepting the need for medical leave was a “beautiful boundary that gave [them] freedom.” (14:56 – Host)
  • Healing isn’t instant, but recognizing personal limits is essential for both mental and physical health.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Not Being Believed

“We start having this belief of like, I'm not gonna be believed ... people don't really trust me when I say this is what's happening for me.” — Kristen Carder, Host (02:48)

On Internalized Storylines

“I have a lot of sadness about the fact that I just put [others’ needs] over, ‘Hey, I can't get out of bed.’” — Guest (09:00, 09:10)

On Hyperfocus and Pushing Through

“Because of ADHD, I can focus through it. I can hyperfocus and get the task done... but it was just like, this is actually not sustainable.” — Guest (05:25–05:30)

On the Ridiculousness of Self-Doubt

“If only it was that easy to just be like, ‘Oh my… you don’t think I’m in pain? Oh my God, my pain’s gone.’” — Guest (10:05)

On the Crucial Moment of Decision

“Something clicked where I was like... once you reach the point when you’re saying you need a break, it has to start now.” — Guest recounting HR conversation (14:52)

On Finding Freedom Through Limits

“It’s like a beautiful boundary that gave you freedom.” — Kristen Carder, Host (14:56)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:48 – The pain of not being believed, internalizing others’ doubts.
• 03:18–04:25 – Medical field culture, masking pain, and emotional impact.
• 04:50–05:43 – The breaking point: gratitude for pain and the unsustainability of pushing through.
• 06:14–07:58 – Healing begins; neuroscience books and learning; importance of nervous regulation.
• 08:03–10:32 – Self-abandonment, sadness, gaslighting, and internal struggle.
• 11:15 – The moment of calling HR and making the decision.
• 12:19–13:00 – Importance of supportive professionals and friends.
• 14:21–14:59 – Final push to take leave; letting go and accepting boundaries.

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Summary & Tone

The episode is compassionate, honest, and supportive—balancing tough realities with validation and hope. Kristen and her guest discuss not only ADHD but also the added layers brought by chronic pain, medical culture, and the drive to “not let people down.” By highlighting the messy, emotional journey toward self-advocacy and regulation, the conversation offers understanding and encouragement to anyone who feels unseen or is struggling to put their own needs first.

For listeners: If you identify with the struggle to be believed, or with the conflict between self-care and pleasing others, this episode provides both validation and practical wisdom for moving forward.

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Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. You know that moment for me, it's around like 2 or 3pm when my ADHD brain just decides we're done for the day. We're done here. The afternoon slump hits, the lights go off upstairs and suddenly answering an email or doing basically anything feels like climbing a mountain. That's when I reach for Cure Energy. It's a clean plant based energy drink mix made with 100 milligrams of natural caffeine and electrolytes. So I get the focus and hydration boost I need without jitters, without a crash and without that like I drink battery acid vi that some of the energy drinks have. The peach tea and acai berry flavors are my current go tos. Crisp, refreshing and they don't taste fake, y'. All. They don't taste fake. I'll drink one before recording a session or when I need to get help through like that afternoon drag. And honestly I. I drink it anytime. My brain just needs to cooperate. What's wild is that Cure Energy is only 25 calories and has zero added sugar. It actually helps me stay hydrated while giving me energy. Okay, I love coffee, but coffee could never Staying hydrated isn't just about water. You also need electrolytes. And that's why I love CUR Cure. It's clean, it tastes great and it actually works. And remember, Cure is FSA HSA approved, which is amazing. You can use that money to pay for cure and for I have ADHD listeners. You can get 20% off your first [e-mail] I have ADHD with the code I have ADHD. And if you do get a post purchase survey, make sure to tell them that you heard about Cure right here on the podcast. It really helps to support the show. Don't just drink more, upgrade it with Cure.

[Ad Host/Advertiser]

What do you think makes the perfect snack?

[Snack Enthusiast]

Hmm, it's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient.

[Podcast Guest]

Could you be more specific?

[Snack Enthusiast]

When it's cravinient. Okay, like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter available right down the street at am, pm. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a second at am pm.

[Podcast Guest]

I'm seeing a pattern here.

[Snack Enthusiast]

Well yeah, we're talking about what I.

[Podcast Guest]

Crave, which is anything from am, pm.

[Snack Enthusiast]

What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience am, pm Too much. Good stuff.

[Kristen Carter]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and You are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Because let's be real, some of us.

[Kristen Carter]

ADHD just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

And so then we start having this belief of like, I'm not gonna be believed. I'm not. People don't really understand me, people don't really see me, people don't really trust me when I say, this is what's happening for me.

[Podcast Guest]

Yeah, yeah. Plus a culture of medicine, of people putting IVs in themselves to walk around and do rounds, or people doing, I mean, like, there's just, medicine is just, there's. This is sort of a deeply ingrained, like.

Culture of we just push through, which is not healthy or functional. And also, what happened with my last work situation. Yes, they knew my pain. And that when that was happening, I think they actually really truly.

Knew that I was in pain. Because generally the default is some people get hysterical when they are in pain. And my default is to stop talking. Okay. And so I would be talking and then I would have a. It just feels like a searing nerve, like burning sensation in your face. And so I'd start talking and then like, usually just a single chair, what tear would like roll down my cheek? And so I think they were like, we know that something's gone. And so I think for me, a lot of the stuff that I've struggled with in the years since is that the pain is different. And so it's not. It doesn't happen. And so, like, it's not as obvious. And also I just learned to mask it because I think what happened with that other job was that you just, you say things like, I'm having thoughts of hurting myself. And they're like, well, we have vacation.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yeah, sorry, we got vacations planned.

[Podcast Guest]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Dang. Okay, so how did you. I know that you did actually follow the steps to like go on medical leave. And so I'm curious, where did you find that bravery? And what was the process for you to help yourself get to the point where you could just like, take. Take action for yourself.

[Podcast Guest]

I mean, I think it actually I was doing a breathwork session where about my pain, and I got to the point where I just was like, I ended up thanking my pain for getting so bad, like, getting so bad that I couldn't ignore it anymore. Wow. And I also sort of. Because I couldn't get out of bed and because I was like, this has to happen. And I think also just through therapy and through coaching sort of and just looking at like, this is actually just. It's not safe for, like, nothing would ever happen. Partially.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yay.

[Podcast Guest]

Because of adhd that I can like, I can focus through it.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Hyper focus.

[Podcast Guest]

I can hope hyper focus and get the test done. And so I don't think there was ever. There was never any safety thing, but it was just like, this is actually not sustainable. I was spending three to $500 a week to try to do stuff to get out of pain so I could go to work.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Wow.

[Podcast Guest]

And so I sort of. It just. We were trying to do modifications and then just sort of reached the point of like, this is actually just. I do need.

To. Yeah, I just need to stop.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yeah.

[Podcast Guest]

And so in doing that, I mean, again, I still have pain all the time now, but from a nervous system perspective and all of the healing that I've done, like, I'm just feeling.

I'm much more regulated. I still have the pain, but I am also. I've been sort of learning a lot more about things like neuroplasticity, association with chronic pain.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Oh, my goodness, yes. Have you read William Doidge's books? Especially the second one. Oh, I'm so sorry, my brain is not remembering the book, the Brain that Changes Itself. And then the second one, the Brain that Heals Itself, is about exactly what you're saying.

[Podcast Guest]

I recently. I haven't read that one.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Norman Doidge.

[Podcast Guest]

Norman Doidge.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

So sorry. Norman doidge. The Brain that Heals itself.

[Podcast Guest]

No, I did. There was a conference in Boulder that I got an email about neuroplastic pain. And so I actually, I was like, okay, so this is sort of stupid. This is a sign. Like, I need to go to this without denying it. And it was good because it really just talked about the. And state of the sympathetic nervous system, chronic fight or flight sensation. And I think the biggest thing for me was that, like, them saying that the pain is really real. And so granted that there are some structural things that are happening and muscle spasms and things like that, that are happening in my neck and from scar tissue from the surgery and all of those things the brain essentially has rewired itself to. And so that's the thing that I'm really working on now is. Okay, what sort of serves me because I love medicine, I love my job. And for me right now, like, I can't. That's. It's not. I can't go back because at least in the immediate future, because I'm still in pain. And there is the thing of I will just get back in the cycle of self abandonment of.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Can you say more about self abandonment? Because that. That made me feel a big feeling.

[Podcast Guest]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

The self abandonment is the perfect way to describe it. What was that for? You.

[Podcast Guest]

Just got emotional.

I couldn't get out of bed. Yeah. But I didn't want to let people down.

So I went to work, and I didn't want people to think.

That I was being.

Dramatic or faking it. And it doesn't look like I'm in pain.

And so being so worried about.

What other people are going to think or believe about me just became all I could focus on.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Wow.

[Podcast Guest]

And so I have a lot of sadness about the fact that I just put that over.

Hey, I can't get out of bed.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yeah.

[Podcast Guest]

Hey. I'm super distracted by the nice, like, the ice pick sensation in my head. And so. And it was like, well, you've pushed through, and you can just keep pushing through and you can just do it. And it's fine because, like, these people have had surgeries booked and whatever. And I'm like. Like, it's just. Yeah, it just. I'm really proud of myself.

It was funny. I had a. I think one of the things that was coaching and focused and I had a client was talking about something about. She was really worried that someone was going to think something of her. And I said, but is it true? And she's like, no. And I was like, somehow there was a connection too. And I was like, I am so worried that they're gonna think that I'm not really in that much pain. And I was like, if only it was that easy to just be like, oh, my. You don't think I'm in pain? Oh, my God. My pain's gone.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yes.

[Podcast Guest]

Oh, my God. That's so amazing. Thank you for doubting me.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yes.

[Podcast Guest]

Like, I think there was just so much gaslighting of, like, they're gonna think it's not real. And then I start doubting, like, are you being dramatic? Are you? So, again, it is just. It's a medicine culture thing. It's a trauma reaction thing. It's a shame thing. It's all of the things. So.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Take me to the point where you made the phone call or you wrote the email or whatever it was, because I remember, I believe you were in coach training with me when you were realizing that you just could not keep going. And I remember you being coached on all of that. And I know you know you were seeing a therapist and other modalities as well, but what did you have to do internally to like actually take the step of I will not abandon myself anymore.

[Podcast Guest]

After calling HR and sobbing hysterically, you mean?

[Ad Host/Advertiser]

Okay, yeah, sure.

[Podcast Guest]

That was part of it. I think something happened. Something clicked also when.

Because the pain was making me so exhausted that I was having a harder time with like responding to some of the emails. And again, no safety issues, just like admin stuff.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Yeah.

[Podcast Guest]

Acutely aware of how defensive I am where I'm like, no safety.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Promise everything is safe. But I know, but I think that's valid because you wouldn't ever want anyone to think otherwise. But every ADHD knows that you're going to be good at the stuff that you care about.

[Podcast Guest]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

And then let the other stuff slide. So everyone knows it's just the emails, it's just the phone, it's just the.

[Kristen Carter]

Chart, whatever it is.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Right. It's like all of that admin stuff.

[Podcast Guest]

But it's just like being like, but I'm okay. Yeah. So the. And so because of that, then I got another like, I had a discussion about my email stuff, which then I.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Mentioned, you need to step up discussion. Yes.

[Podcast Guest]

And you need to step up. Which then I brought up adhd. And then HR was like, wait, what? And so that came up. And then I started being in contact with the accommodations and leave court coordinator people. And so I'd already started having like, my neurologist is just amazing. And having my like whenever I would start having self doubt about like, is this being dramatic? And like, what if people think I'm thinking it? She would just be like, this is the stupidest long game if you're faking it. So you had surgery on your brain 12 years ago to plan for calling out of work in 12 years.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Podcast Guest]

She's so.

[Kristen Carter]

She.

[Podcast Guest]

Good for her.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Thank God for her.

[Podcast Guest]

No, so much for her. Just in terms of just like sort of. And also be willing to be like, when I was like, well, maybe I'm just gonna stop doing this one thing. She's like, I think that we need to do more than just not do overnight call. Like, she's just like, you can't be in the operating room for eight hours at a time doing like all of those things. And so she said, I think if we start too small, we're gonna slowly back away from stuff. And so through a bunch of kind of frustrating, sort of dynamic and lack of communication and whatever.

I. We started with the, like the takeaway surgery takeaway call. And then I just wasn't getting enough better because I could not get out of the loop of.

But people are going to. Other people are going to have to do more work. Other people are going to be mad at me.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

Still feeling responsible, still feeling like it's everybody else that I need to worry about.

[Podcast Guest]

Yeah. And I did. And at the end, and when it was like, I think you need to. Something just clicked where I was just like. Cause they started talking about like, it's not appropriate for you to spend all of your time and money on your time off to be able to go to work. Somebody in the HR coordinator person leave a coordinator did that. And that sort of shifted, sort of a light went off. And then.

I just, I reached my point where I was like, I know that I can't do this anymore. And then they asked and then there was like a desperate play, at least of cause I was like, well, I really just want to cover the next like 4th of July because like I'm supposed to work that holiday. So like, if I know that there's an end point, I can push through it. And they were like, you, no, that's not how this works. Like once you reach the point when you're saying you're done, I mean, again, from them, from like a legal perspective, it makes sense for them to say, like if you were saying you are needing a break, like it has to start now.

[Kristen Carter]

Good.

[Podcast Guest]

So I think that. No, it was good. And then I.

[Podcast Host/Coach]

It's like a beautiful boundary that gave you freedom.

[Podcast Guest]

It gave me the opportunity to completely freak out about everyone being pissed off at me. Okay, cool, cool.

[Kristen Carter]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye Bye.

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