361 BITESIZE | Why Resentment Builds—and What to Do Instead

Summary

---

Episode Overview

Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode: 361 BITESIZE | Why Resentment Builds—and What to Do Instead
Date: December 18, 2025

This bite-sized episode explores how resentment builds in relationships—particularly when ADHD symptoms impact the dynamics—and what partners can do to shift toward healthier, more supportive interactions. Kristen and her guest openly discuss their own experiences, the challenges ADHD brings, and practical wisdom for partners navigating resentment, acceptance, and support.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why Does Resentment Arise in ADHD-Impacted Relationships?

• Changing Perspective Over Time:
  • Early on, ADHD symptoms (forgetfulness, disorganization, time management) can feel like personal offenses to a partner.
  • "I think early on you can see your partner and every little thing that they do as an offense to your existence in your home."
    —Guest (01:31)
• Acceptance and Chosen Perspective:
  • Over time, some challenges remain, but partners may learn not to view everything as a personal slight.
  • "I think maybe that all still exists. I just don't see it anymore...or [I’ve] chosen to accept it."
    —Guest (02:19)

Navigating Resentment When ADHD Takes Up "Space"

• Responsibility for Resentment:

  • The speaker notes each person must take responsibility for their own resentment.
  • Avoid letting resentment become "a root of bitterness" that leads to ongoing negativity.
  • "I have a responsibility for my own resentment...I have to deal with potential resentment in a healthy way that's not going to grow into a root of bitterness that forms in my heart."
    —Guest (03:27)

• Role of Faith and Grace:

  • His faith informs his approach: aiming to love his family with grace and unconditional acceptance, mirroring what he believes he has received.
  • "If I know that my soul is loved and cared for with grace and in an unconditional way, that is the model then for how I am to love my family."
    —Guest (04:36)

• Practical Solutions for Everyday Triggers:

  • Rather than fixate on small irritants (e.g., toothpaste squeezed the "wrong" way), one can take small, practical steps to meet their own needs instead of expecting partners to change.
  • "Instead of being bitter or resentful towards you about that, I'm going to get my own toothpaste. Solve the problem."
    —Guest (05:12)

Resentment as a Sign of Unmet Needs

• Identifying the Root:
  • Resentment often signals an unmet need; the solution is to recognize the need and find constructive ways to meet it, rather than projecting it onto a partner.
  • "Resentment is a sign of an unmet need."
    —Kristen Carder (05:41)
  • "I'm going to meet that need for myself and not expect my partner to have the capacity to meet that need."
    —Kristen Carder (05:56)

Handling Stressful Family Moments (Getting Out the Door)

• Pattern Recognition and Adaptation:
  • The guest realizes that their different approaches (Kristen being delayed by last-minute thoughts and needs, him being ready quickly) were a recurring frustration and potential resentment point.
  • "I used to just wait in the kitchen, and I realized and feel resentful...So what I started doing was just getting into the car and waiting."
    —Guest (07:05, 07:53)
• Repeating Calming Affirmations:
  • Managing frustration and resentment involves internal shifts: using reassuring phrases (e.g., "It's fine. This is my family.") to reinforce patience and acceptance.
  • "It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace...requires me to just let it go."
    —Guest (08:12)
  • "That's the work, the rehearsing, who you want to be. It's okay. It's fine."
    —Kristen Carder (08:31)
  • "You have to have phrases that you're repeating to yourself...that are guiding where you want to go."
    —Guest (08:43)

Advice for Singles and Those Dating With or Around ADHD

• Seek Moral Anchoring and Shared Values:
  • When looking for a supportive partner, consider what their values and moral anchor are, as this predicts how they’ll handle adversity and difference.
  • "You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life."
    —Guest (10:29)
• Observe Reactions Over Time:
  • Time and shared experiences are essential to truly see how someone responds to life's ups and downs.
  • "You have to spend life living together—meaning lived experiences together—that are just going to reveal how they see the world."
    —Guest (11:45)
• Recognize Red Flags (e.g., Poor Self-Control):
  • Emotional self-regulation in conflict (he jokingly references “boy math/girl math”) is a tell: e.g., someone who "punches holes in the wall" is likely to react poorly when things get tough.
  • "If you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall...this person is going to respond probably with anger...you learn that pretty early in dating."
    —Guest (12:57)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I think early on you can see your partner and every little thing that they do as an offense to your existence in your home." —Guest (01:31)
• "Resentment is a sign of an unmet need." —Kristen Carder (05:41)
• "I'm going to get my own toothpaste. Solve the problem." —Guest (05:12)
• "It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace...requires me to just let it go." —Guest (08:12)
• "You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life." —Guest (10:29)
• "If you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall...this person is going to respond probably with anger." —Guest (12:57)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:59–01:30 – Question: Does ADHD take up too much space in the relationship?
• 02:19–03:26 – Perspective shift from resentment to acceptance
• 03:26–05:10 – Individual responsibility for resentment and faith/grace as a model
• 05:11–06:40 – Resentment as an unmet need and practical coping strategies
• 06:40–09:11 – Daily life example: Getting out the door and self-soothing strategies
• 09:11–10:29 – Bringing neurodivergent children into the mix (to be discussed later); dating advice introduced
• 10:29–13:57 – Criteria for supportive partners: moral anchoring and emotional regulation

---

Tone and Style

The conversation is open, warm, and honest—with plenty of self-deprecating humor and empathy. Both speakers share vulnerable personal experiences and evidence-based advice. The focus is practical yet compassionate, anchored in real relationship dynamics.

---

For more, check out the full episode linked in the show notes or visit ihaveadhd.com for additional resources.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling. This question came from a listener and I don't want to ask it, but I think it's good and it'll be worthwhile. Do you ever feel like Kristen and or Kristin's ADHD takes up a lot of space in the relationship? And if so, how do you navigate the dynamic without resentment building up?

[B]

Do I feel like it takes up a lot of space?

[A]

Maybe not so much anymore, but when we were kind of going through that journey of learning and of discovery.

[B]

Yeah. So now no. But I don't know if that's because we've changed our perspective or I've changed the perspective in some way where I stop. I think early on you can see your partner and every little thing that they do as an offense to your existence in your home. Right. So like, you know, everything from the tube of toothpaste to the dishes to the car keys to how you spend time to budgeting and finances and decision making, impulse control and all that that goes into life. I think maybe that all still exists. I just don't see it anymore.

[A]

Yep, yep.

[B]

Or chosen to accept it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was the second part of that? Sorry, go ahead.

[A]

No, if. If I. When I was taking up a lot of space, which I do think there was a time, how did you navigate the dynamic without resentment building up? Because there were a couple years where I. I mean, especially in my childbearing years, I wasn't supported at all for adhd. I wasn't medicated. We had three little kids. It was chaotic. Chaotic. And I know that there was a lot of like missed appointments, messiness, things just not getting done. Even like mail that you should have gotten that you didn't get because I just like threw it away or put it on a pile, like those kinds of Things. Yeah. So like when I was taking up a lot of space with the ADHD component, how did you navigate says without resentment. But I think there was resentment and that's okay. So like how.

[B]

Yeah, so. So we can flip that around. From what you said at the beginning of this episode. There's a. From the. From the stream. You know, stream flowing from its source. Whatever. The ADHD person is responsible for the learning, the communicating and the sharing of their experience. But then when it comes to the relationship and living with. In a home that navigating that resentment that is on the person on the other side. So. So I have a responsibility for my own resentment towards any. Towards you or any one person in the world. And so I have to deal with potential resentment in a healthy way. That's not going to grow into like a root of bitterness that forms in my heart that causes me to be just a really grouchy, negative person that can't interact certain people or certain types of people. And so I, I have to, you know, part of if. Can I talk about my faith a little bit? I believe that in this world I am accepted and loved with a grace and where there's a level of unconditional love that. That is present there. And so if I know that my soul is loved and cared for with grace and in an unconditional way, that is the model then for how I am to love my family.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's. And so I haven't learned how to do that perfectly or completely. But that's the starting point.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is with grace and in unconditional way. So if you squeeze the toothpaste from a way that frustrates the heck out of me, instead of being bitter or resentful towards you about that, I'm going to get my own toothpaste. We're going to separate myself from that and just like solve the problem.

[A]

Yes. It's so good.

[B]

So resentment is a lot of. Just solving the problem is. This is a lot of internal work. But some of that internal work just comes into make a different choice and.

[A]

Solve the problem 100%. I heard. I don't remember where I heard this, but it has really stuck with me and I say it a lot in focused is resentment is a sign of an unmet need. And I think that's what you're speaking to is like, I'm resentful because, like, I have this for whatever reason and like we don't need to talk about toothpaste that much. But like, honestly, you have this like, need for the Toothpaste to be one way. I'm gonna solve that. I'm gonna meet that need for myself and not expect my partner to have the capacity to meet that need. And I really. I appreciate that answer so much. The resentment in any relationship for any reason is such a big catalyst for fights, for divorce, for disconnection. And I think that that is, like, a big issue that, like, if we can pinpoint resentment and begin to solve for that, relationships will flow, flourish in so many ways.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So I don't know why I get out the door faster.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, I mean, there are so many reasons.

[B]

We can dig into that. I. I used to just wait in the kitchen, and I realized and feel resentful and be frustrated. Like, why. Why are you going back upstairs?

[A]

What are you even doing?

[B]

What did you forget? What did you think of? Because your will think of items that you wanted to bring at the last second when you're walking out the door. My brain does not work that way. And so when I get my shoes on and my keys in my pocket and I'm ready to go, I have done everything I want to do, and I'm ready to go.

[A]

Lucky you.

[B]

And you, at that same point, have three more things that you haven't thought of, but you're going to think of. And so instead of standing there in a kitchen, you sensed my tone, my body language, and that would create more frustration. So what I started doing was just getting into the car and waiting.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And so I would just go in the car, and I would sit in the front seat, and I would just grab the wheel, and I would stare out the front windshield and just wait. And one.

[A]

That sounds dramatic.

[B]

One by one, you and our other ADHD kids would slowly come out the door when you were ready. But what I am doing in that moment is just like, it's fine. I am telling myself I am rehearsing the words. It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace and their stability requires me to just let it go.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Gosh, that's so good. It's like, that's the work, the rehearsing, who you want to be. It's okay. It's fine.

[B]

Yeah. You have to have words. Yeah. I mean, you have to have phrases that you're repeating to yourself over and over that are guiding where you want to go. Is this important to me? How much am I going to care about this? Do I need to say something here? What will be the result if I do? And so you have to go through all of those phrases in your head. I have to go through those phrases in my head when we're trying to get out the door.

[A]

We haven't even touched on bringing neurodivergent children into the mix. Yeah, we will do that in another episode. I'm curious if you could speak to. If someone is single or dating and wants to make sure that their partner at least has the potential to be supportive, how does someone navigate relationships in a way that sets them up for success? We didn't really. I mean, we were babies when we were dating. I was 23, recently turned 23 when we got married. When I think about that now, I'm like, oh, my goodness. But I'm curious what advice you would give to people who are navigating either singleness or dating and just wanting to make sure, like, obviously the person's not going to be perfect. You can't figure it out all of the things beforehand. But what could they look for to make sure? Like, does this person have the capacity to be supportive and like a good partner to a neurodivergent person? Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I said this on a previous conversation we had, but I think it still is important. I want to say it again in case there's anybody who didn't catch the last one. You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life. So if they're anchored to a moral system that is objective, it is outside of themselves, and it is unchanging, that's going to hold them in place during times of chaos. So when in your life you experience turmoil and struggle, which every person does, every relationship will experience highs and lows. There will be in your life trauma and emergencies that will take place. You will experience heartache and loss, whether that be, you know, the loss of a loved one, a miscarriage, a financial crisis, a loss of a job that you loved, having to move the family out of a school district that you love, out of a neighborhood where your kids all have friends, into another state where, you know, like, no couple is immune to these things. And so when you're dating someone, you really need to dig into, like, what are they anchored to morally that drives and directs the way that they see the world. So I think that that is the number one and number two, I think it's just time. Time you're gonna. You have to. You have to spend life living together, meaning, like, lived experiences together that are just going to reveal how they. How they See the world.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I think it's funny that I was. I'm putting together this talk for something I'm doing separate from this. You can cut this out if you need to, it's totally fine. But we're talking, you know, about boy math, girl math, sort of just different. These last two years we've been having fun with the different ways that men and women see the world and interpret it. And one of the things that I wrote down that is pretty classic of what boy math is if a man accuses a woman of being too emotional but then will punch a hole in the wall. Like that doesn't make any sense. And so if you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall, I would say that when chaos comes, when your ADHD is at its height, this person is going to respond to probably with anger. And so you learn that pretty early dating. I mean, you'll learn that pretty early on. If a person has the ability to have self control in an argument or not.

[A]

Yes, it's so good.

[B]

But that's all going to come from whatever objective moral system. Moral. Yeah, the system they're anchored to in their life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If they're anchored to self, you know, I do what I want. I get to decide what's right for me. What I do doesn't impact anybody else. So I just do whatever I want. You know, that that's. Where are you in that?

[A]

Right?

[B]

Is the question I would be asking. Where do I fit into you? Thinking your life is all about you. That's probably a red flag for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Foreign.

[A]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to to talk to you again next week. Bye bye.

[C]

VRBO Last minute deals make chasing fresh mountain powder incredibly easy. With thousands of homes close to the slopes, you can easily get epic Pow, Freshies, first tracks and more. No need for months of planning. In fact, you can't even plan Powder Pow is on its own schedule. Thankfully, somewhere in the world it's always snowing. All you have to do is use the last minute filter on the app to book a last minute deal on a slope side private rental home. Book now at vervo. Com.