Episode Overview

Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode: 361 BITESIZE | Why Resentment Builds—and What to Do Instead
Date: December 18, 2025

This bite-sized episode explores how resentment builds in relationships—particularly when ADHD symptoms impact the dynamics—and what partners can do to shift toward healthier, more supportive interactions. Kristen and her guest openly discuss their own experiences, the challenges ADHD brings, and practical wisdom for partners navigating resentment, acceptance, and support.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why Does Resentment Arise in ADHD-Impacted Relationships?

• Changing Perspective Over Time:
  • Early on, ADHD symptoms (forgetfulness, disorganization, time management) can feel like personal offenses to a partner.
  • "I think early on you can see your partner and every little thing that they do as an offense to your existence in your home."
    —Guest (01:31)
• Acceptance and Chosen Perspective:
  • Over time, some challenges remain, but partners may learn not to view everything as a personal slight.
  • "I think maybe that all still exists. I just don't see it anymore...or [I’ve] chosen to accept it."
    —Guest (02:19)

Navigating Resentment When ADHD Takes Up "Space"

• Responsibility for Resentment:

  • The speaker notes each person must take responsibility for their own resentment.
  • Avoid letting resentment become "a root of bitterness" that leads to ongoing negativity.
  • "I have a responsibility for my own resentment...I have to deal with potential resentment in a healthy way that's not going to grow into a root of bitterness that forms in my heart."
    —Guest (03:27)

• Role of Faith and Grace:

  • His faith informs his approach: aiming to love his family with grace and unconditional acceptance, mirroring what he believes he has received.
  • "If I know that my soul is loved and cared for with grace and in an unconditional way, that is the model then for how I am to love my family."
    —Guest (04:36)

• Practical Solutions for Everyday Triggers:

  • Rather than fixate on small irritants (e.g., toothpaste squeezed the "wrong" way), one can take small, practical steps to meet their own needs instead of expecting partners to change.
  • "Instead of being bitter or resentful towards you about that, I'm going to get my own toothpaste. Solve the problem."
    —Guest (05:12)

Resentment as a Sign of Unmet Needs

• Identifying the Root:
  • Resentment often signals an unmet need; the solution is to recognize the need and find constructive ways to meet it, rather than projecting it onto a partner.
  • "Resentment is a sign of an unmet need."
    —Kristen Carder (05:41)
  • "I'm going to meet that need for myself and not expect my partner to have the capacity to meet that need."
    —Kristen Carder (05:56)

Handling Stressful Family Moments (Getting Out the Door)

• Pattern Recognition and Adaptation:
  • The guest realizes that their different approaches (Kristen being delayed by last-minute thoughts and needs, him being ready quickly) were a recurring frustration and potential resentment point.
  • "I used to just wait in the kitchen, and I realized and feel resentful...So what I started doing was just getting into the car and waiting."
    —Guest (07:05, 07:53)
• Repeating Calming Affirmations:
  • Managing frustration and resentment involves internal shifts: using reassuring phrases (e.g., "It's fine. This is my family.") to reinforce patience and acceptance.
  • "It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace...requires me to just let it go."
    —Guest (08:12)
  • "That's the work, the rehearsing, who you want to be. It's okay. It's fine."
    —Kristen Carder (08:31)
  • "You have to have phrases that you're repeating to yourself...that are guiding where you want to go."
    —Guest (08:43)

Advice for Singles and Those Dating With or Around ADHD

• Seek Moral Anchoring and Shared Values:
  • When looking for a supportive partner, consider what their values and moral anchor are, as this predicts how they’ll handle adversity and difference.
  • "You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life."
    —Guest (10:29)
• Observe Reactions Over Time:
  • Time and shared experiences are essential to truly see how someone responds to life's ups and downs.
  • "You have to spend life living together—meaning lived experiences together—that are just going to reveal how they see the world."
    —Guest (11:45)
• Recognize Red Flags (e.g., Poor Self-Control):
  • Emotional self-regulation in conflict (he jokingly references “boy math/girl math”) is a tell: e.g., someone who "punches holes in the wall" is likely to react poorly when things get tough.
  • "If you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall...this person is going to respond probably with anger...you learn that pretty early in dating."
    —Guest (12:57)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I think early on you can see your partner and every little thing that they do as an offense to your existence in your home." —Guest (01:31)
• "Resentment is a sign of an unmet need." —Kristen Carder (05:41)
• "I'm going to get my own toothpaste. Solve the problem." —Guest (05:12)
• "It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace...requires me to just let it go." —Guest (08:12)
• "You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life." —Guest (10:29)
• "If you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall...this person is going to respond probably with anger." —Guest (12:57)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:59–01:30 – Question: Does ADHD take up too much space in the relationship?
• 02:19–03:26 – Perspective shift from resentment to acceptance
• 03:26–05:10 – Individual responsibility for resentment and faith/grace as a model
• 05:11–06:40 – Resentment as an unmet need and practical coping strategies
• 06:40–09:11 – Daily life example: Getting out the door and self-soothing strategies
• 09:11–10:29 – Bringing neurodivergent children into the mix (to be discussed later); dating advice introduced
• 10:29–13:57 – Criteria for supportive partners: moral anchoring and emotional regulation

Tone and Style

The conversation is open, warm, and honest—with plenty of self-deprecating humor and empathy. Both speakers share vulnerable personal experiences and evidence-based advice. The focus is practical yet compassionate, anchored in real relationship dynamics.

For more, check out the full episode linked in the show notes or visit ihaveadhd.com for additional resources.