B (3:26)

Yeah, so. So we can flip that around. From what you said at the beginning of this episode. There's a. From the. From the stream. You know, stream flowing from its source. Whatever. The ADHD person is responsible for the learning, the communicating and the sharing of their experience. But then when it comes to the relationship and living with. In a home that navigating that resentment that is on the person on the other side. So. So I have a responsibility for my own resentment towards any. Towards you or any one person in the world. And so I have to deal with potential resentment in a healthy way. That's not going to grow into like a root of bitterness that forms in my heart that causes me to be just a really grouchy, negative person that can't interact certain people or certain types of people. And so I, I have to, you know, part of if. Can I talk about my faith a little bit? I believe that in this world I am accepted and loved with a grace and where there's a level of unconditional love that. That is present there. And so if I know that my soul is loved and cared for with grace and in an unconditional way, that is the model then for how I am to love my family.

C (5:01)

Yeah.

B (5:02)

And it's. And so I haven't learned how to do that perfectly or completely. But that's the starting point.

A (5:09)

Yeah.

B (5:10)

Is with grace and in unconditional way. So if you squeeze the toothpaste from a way that frustrates the heck out of me, instead of being bitter or resentful towards you about that, I'm going to get my own toothpaste. We're going to separate myself from that and just like solve the problem.

A (5:31)

Yes. It's so good.

B (5:32)

So resentment is a lot of. Just solving the problem is. This is a lot of internal work. But some of that internal work just comes into make a different choice and.

A (5:40)

Solve the problem 100%. I heard. I don't remember where I heard this, but it has really stuck with me and I say it a lot in focused is resentment is a sign of an unmet need. And I think that's what you're speaking to is like, I'm resentful because, like, I have this for whatever reason and like we don't need to talk about toothpaste that much. But like, honestly, you have this like, need for the Toothpaste to be one way. I'm gonna solve that. I'm gonna meet that need for myself and not expect my partner to have the capacity to meet that need. And I really. I appreciate that answer so much. The resentment in any relationship for any reason is such a big catalyst for fights, for divorce, for disconnection. And I think that that is, like, a big issue that, like, if we can pinpoint resentment and begin to solve for that, relationships will flow, flourish in so many ways.

B (6:40)

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So I don't know why I get out the door faster.

A (6:46)

Oh, my God. Well, I mean, there are so many reasons.

B (6:51)

We can dig into that. I. I used to just wait in the kitchen, and I realized and feel resentful and be frustrated. Like, why. Why are you going back upstairs?

A (7:05)

What are you even doing?

B (7:06)

What did you forget? What did you think of? Because your will think of items that you wanted to bring at the last second when you're walking out the door. My brain does not work that way. And so when I get my shoes on and my keys in my pocket and I'm ready to go, I have done everything I want to do, and I'm ready to go.

A (7:32)

Lucky you.

B (7:34)

And you, at that same point, have three more things that you haven't thought of, but you're going to think of. And so instead of standing there in a kitchen, you sensed my tone, my body language, and that would create more frustration. So what I started doing was just getting into the car and waiting.

A (7:52)

Yep.

B (7:53)

And so I would just go in the car, and I would sit in the front seat, and I would just grab the wheel, and I would stare out the front windshield and just wait. And one.

A (8:03)

That sounds dramatic.

B (8:04)

One by one, you and our other ADHD kids would slowly come out the door when you were ready. But what I am doing in that moment is just like, it's fine. I am telling myself I am rehearsing the words. It's fine. This is my family, and maintaining peace and their stability requires me to just let it go.

A (8:31)

Yeah. Yeah. Gosh, that's so good. It's like, that's the work, the rehearsing, who you want to be. It's okay. It's fine.

B (8:43)

Yeah. You have to have words. Yeah. I mean, you have to have phrases that you're repeating to yourself over and over that are guiding where you want to go. Is this important to me? How much am I going to care about this? Do I need to say something here? What will be the result if I do? And so you have to go through all of those phrases in your head. I have to go through those phrases in my head when we're trying to get out the door.

A (9:11)

We haven't even touched on bringing neurodivergent children into the mix. Yeah, we will do that in another episode. I'm curious if you could speak to. If someone is single or dating and wants to make sure that their partner at least has the potential to be supportive, how does someone navigate relationships in a way that sets them up for success? We didn't really. I mean, we were babies when we were dating. I was 23, recently turned 23 when we got married. When I think about that now, I'm like, oh, my goodness. But I'm curious what advice you would give to people who are navigating either singleness or dating and just wanting to make sure, like, obviously the person's not going to be perfect. You can't figure it out all of the things beforehand. But what could they look for to make sure? Like, does this person have the capacity to be supportive and like a good partner to a neurodivergent person? Yeah.

B (10:29)

Okay. I said this on a previous conversation we had, but I think it still is important. I want to say it again in case there's anybody who didn't catch the last one. You really need to evaluate what a person is anchored to morally, because their moral anchor in a relationship is going to determine their response to everything else in life. So if they're anchored to a moral system that is objective, it is outside of themselves, and it is unchanging, that's going to hold them in place during times of chaos. So when in your life you experience turmoil and struggle, which every person does, every relationship will experience highs and lows. There will be in your life trauma and emergencies that will take place. You will experience heartache and loss, whether that be, you know, the loss of a loved one, a miscarriage, a financial crisis, a loss of a job that you loved, having to move the family out of a school district that you love, out of a neighborhood where your kids all have friends, into another state where, you know, like, no couple is immune to these things. And so when you're dating someone, you really need to dig into, like, what are they anchored to morally that drives and directs the way that they see the world. So I think that that is the number one and number two, I think it's just time. Time you're gonna. You have to. You have to spend life living together, meaning, like, lived experiences together that are just going to reveal how they. How they See the world.

A (12:32)

Yes.

B (12:33)

I think it's funny that I was. I'm putting together this talk for something I'm doing separate from this. You can cut this out if you need to, it's totally fine. But we're talking, you know, about boy math, girl math, sort of just different. These last two years we've been having fun with the different ways that men and women see the world and interpret it. And one of the things that I wrote down that is pretty classic of what boy math is if a man accuses a woman of being too emotional but then will punch a hole in the wall. Like that doesn't make any sense. And so if you are dating a man that punches holes in the wall, I would say that when chaos comes, when your ADHD is at its height, this person is going to respond to probably with anger. And so you learn that pretty early dating. I mean, you'll learn that pretty early on. If a person has the ability to have self control in an argument or not.

A (13:33)

Yes, it's so good.

B (13:34)

But that's all going to come from whatever objective moral system. Moral. Yeah, the system they're anchored to in their life.

A (13:41)

Yeah.

B (13:42)

If they're anchored to self, you know, I do what I want. I get to decide what's right for me. What I do doesn't impact anybody else. So I just do whatever I want. You know, that that's. Where are you in that?

A (13:57)

Right?

B (13:57)

Is the question I would be asking. Where do I fit into you? Thinking your life is all about you. That's probably a red flag for me.

A (14:04)

Yeah.

B (14:06)

Foreign.

A (14:12)

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to to talk to you again next week. Bye bye.

C (14:43)

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