Podcast Summary: "The Unsexy Truth About Accommodating Neurodivergent Kids"

I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 363 BITESIZE
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: December 25, 2025

Overview

This bite-sized episode of the "I Have ADHD Podcast" features host Kristen Carder and a guest in a candid discussion about the real, often "unsexy" work of accommodating neurodivergent children at home. The conversation delves into specific accommodations tailored for each child, the personal growth and humility required from parents, and how genuine support looks very different from one neurodivergent kid to another—even within the same family.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Observing the Impact of Medication

• Emotional and Physical Presence: Kristen and her guest discuss how medication made one of their children notably more present and less anxious.
  • “He would come out of his room and just be more present in the home. He was able to tolerate the interactions with family…” (Co-host, 01:39)
• Reduction of Motor Tics: The relief of seeing debilitating motor tics dissipate after medication.
  • “Definitely the medication took care of the motor tics and that was huge just for him as a person existing in the world.” (Kristen, 02:43)
• Empathy for the Child’s Experience: Recognition that the focus should be on the child’s well-being, not parental anxiety.
  • "They caused us a lot of anxiety, but that doesn't matter at all. It was more like what he was experiencing.” (Kristen, 02:53)

2. Accommodating Each Child Differently

• Admitting Imperfection as a Parent
  • “I'm gonna be really honest here and out myself a bit. I am imperfect with one of them. Actually with both of them. It would be foolish for me to claim I was perfect in any environment.” (Co-host, 04:06)
• Practical Examples of Accommodation
  • For the child struggling most with organization:
    • Room cleaned, bed made, snacks and trash surreptitiously removed.
    • “He does not have the capacity to take care of it. He just doesn't… I go over and above to make sure the room's Livable.” (Co-host, 05:30)
    • "He struggles so much with organization. That's like his primary executive function that he struggles with." (Kristen, 05:54)
  • For the child who needs clarity and structure:
    • Providing step-by-step instructions and patiently repeating process details.
    • “If there's something that he needs to do, I go through all of the steps.” (Co-host, 07:33)
    • "Your accommodation is your willingness to go through all the steps, answer all the questions." (Kristen, 07:38)
• Divided Parental Responsibilities: Acknowledging that different parents or caregivers may naturally accommodate in unique ways (e.g., gentle wake-ups vs. logistical support).
  • “When I wake him up, I get angry. I don't know why... but you are really nice to him when you wake him up.” (Kristen, 12:34)

3. Balancing Autonomy and Support

• Knowing When to Intervene
  • One child receives overt support (room cleaning); the other is offered autonomy but support is still present (offering to do laundry if clothes are gathered).
    • “That’s an accommodation… that I’m not doing it for him, but I’m, like, stepping up to the line and giving him the autonomy to meet me at that line.” (Co-host, 11:43)
• Demand Avoidance
  • Brief mention of future discussions on parenting kids with demand avoidance tendencies.
    • "We're gonna be talking about that when we talk about demand avoidance and parenting kids who demand avoidance. It's gonna be fun." (Kristen, 11:59)

4. The Ongoing, Sometimes Invisible Nature of Accommodations

• Accommodating neurodivergent children often means quietly, repetitively, and without fanfare, doing what needs to be done—without forcing independence before the child is ready.
  • “He needs it from me. Yeah, he needs it. And I, I don't want to do it, but I do want to provide for my kid, what they need for me.” (Co-host, 06:54)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Relief Brought by Medication
  • “To see that [the tics] dissipate was just such a huge relief that he was able to just exist without having to have his body doing all of those things…” (Kristen, 02:45)
• On Practical, Unseen Parenting
  • “I will find things under his bed that he took from the pantry that he’s not supposed to. And I will clean it up.” (Co-host, 04:52)
• On Patience and Understanding
  • “Your accommodation is your willingness to go through all the steps, answer all the questions.” (Kristen, 07:38)
  • “His brain is not going to anticipate the steps. His brain needs you to spell everything out. And your way of accommodating him is doing that without yelling at him or expecting him to know. In fact, you expect him not to know.” (Kristen, 08:41)
• Honest Admission of Parental Frustration
  • “I used to be upset about it. Like, when are you gonna figure this out? When are you gonna grow up?…But I have just… I go over and above...” (Co-host, 05:30)
• Insight on Sibling Differences
  • “We have two neurodivergent kids. They both struggle with executive functioning, but they’re completely different.” (Kristen, 10:08)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:39 – Guest describes the post-medication shift in one son: more present, less anxious, interacting with family.
• 02:43 – Kristen discusses relief over reduction in motor tics and prioritizing the child’s experience.
• 04:06 – Guest candidly “outs” themselves as imperfect in accommodating neurodivergent kids.
• 05:30–06:54 – Discussion of specific accommodations: cleaning the room, making the bed, and supporting organizational deficits.
• 07:33–09:06 – Explaining step-by-step processes; adjusting expectations for different executive function profiles.
• 10:08 – The real differences between two siblings’ needs and the accommodations those require.
• 11:43 – Balancing support and autonomy in laundry and room responsibility.
• 12:25 – Unique parental roles in morning routines.

Conclusion

This episode offers an honest, nuanced perspective on the daily, sometimes invisible labor of accommodating neurodivergent children. Through stories, admissions of imperfection, and specific examples, Kristen and her guest illuminate how support must be individually tailored, repeatedly offered, and sometimes delivered without recognition—all for the benefit of their children’s emotional and functional well-being.

Listeners are left reassured: true accommodation often looks like meeting your kid exactly where they are, doing the "unsexy" tasks, and being willing to flex your approach as each child—and each day—requires.