363 BITESIZE | The Unsexy Truth About Accommodating Neurodivergent Kids

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Unsexy Truth About Accommodating Neurodivergent Kids"

I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 363 BITESIZE
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: December 25, 2025

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Overview

This bite-sized episode of the "I Have ADHD Podcast" features host Kristen Carder and a guest in a candid discussion about the real, often "unsexy" work of accommodating neurodivergent children at home. The conversation delves into specific accommodations tailored for each child, the personal growth and humility required from parents, and how genuine support looks very different from one neurodivergent kid to another—even within the same family.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Observing the Impact of Medication

• Emotional and Physical Presence: Kristen and her guest discuss how medication made one of their children notably more present and less anxious.
  • “He would come out of his room and just be more present in the home. He was able to tolerate the interactions with family…” (Co-host, 01:39)
• Reduction of Motor Tics: The relief of seeing debilitating motor tics dissipate after medication.
  • “Definitely the medication took care of the motor tics and that was huge just for him as a person existing in the world.” (Kristen, 02:43)
• Empathy for the Child’s Experience: Recognition that the focus should be on the child’s well-being, not parental anxiety.
  • "They caused us a lot of anxiety, but that doesn't matter at all. It was more like what he was experiencing.” (Kristen, 02:53)

2. Accommodating Each Child Differently

• Admitting Imperfection as a Parent
  • “I'm gonna be really honest here and out myself a bit. I am imperfect with one of them. Actually with both of them. It would be foolish for me to claim I was perfect in any environment.” (Co-host, 04:06)
• Practical Examples of Accommodation
  • For the child struggling most with organization:
    • Room cleaned, bed made, snacks and trash surreptitiously removed.
    • “He does not have the capacity to take care of it. He just doesn't… I go over and above to make sure the room's Livable.” (Co-host, 05:30)
    • "He struggles so much with organization. That's like his primary executive function that he struggles with." (Kristen, 05:54)
  • For the child who needs clarity and structure:
    • Providing step-by-step instructions and patiently repeating process details.
    • “If there's something that he needs to do, I go through all of the steps.” (Co-host, 07:33)
    • "Your accommodation is your willingness to go through all the steps, answer all the questions." (Kristen, 07:38)
• Divided Parental Responsibilities: Acknowledging that different parents or caregivers may naturally accommodate in unique ways (e.g., gentle wake-ups vs. logistical support).
  • “When I wake him up, I get angry. I don't know why... but you are really nice to him when you wake him up.” (Kristen, 12:34)

3. Balancing Autonomy and Support

• Knowing When to Intervene
  • One child receives overt support (room cleaning); the other is offered autonomy but support is still present (offering to do laundry if clothes are gathered).
    • “That’s an accommodation… that I’m not doing it for him, but I’m, like, stepping up to the line and giving him the autonomy to meet me at that line.” (Co-host, 11:43)
• Demand Avoidance
  • Brief mention of future discussions on parenting kids with demand avoidance tendencies.
    • "We're gonna be talking about that when we talk about demand avoidance and parenting kids who demand avoidance. It's gonna be fun." (Kristen, 11:59)

4. The Ongoing, Sometimes Invisible Nature of Accommodations

• Accommodating neurodivergent children often means quietly, repetitively, and without fanfare, doing what needs to be done—without forcing independence before the child is ready.
  • “He needs it from me. Yeah, he needs it. And I, I don't want to do it, but I do want to provide for my kid, what they need for me.” (Co-host, 06:54)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Relief Brought by Medication
  • “To see that [the tics] dissipate was just such a huge relief that he was able to just exist without having to have his body doing all of those things…” (Kristen, 02:45)
• On Practical, Unseen Parenting
  • “I will find things under his bed that he took from the pantry that he’s not supposed to. And I will clean it up.” (Co-host, 04:52)
• On Patience and Understanding
  • “Your accommodation is your willingness to go through all the steps, answer all the questions.” (Kristen, 07:38)
  • “His brain is not going to anticipate the steps. His brain needs you to spell everything out. And your way of accommodating him is doing that without yelling at him or expecting him to know. In fact, you expect him not to know.” (Kristen, 08:41)
• Honest Admission of Parental Frustration
  • “I used to be upset about it. Like, when are you gonna figure this out? When are you gonna grow up?…But I have just… I go over and above...” (Co-host, 05:30)
• Insight on Sibling Differences
  • “We have two neurodivergent kids. They both struggle with executive functioning, but they’re completely different.” (Kristen, 10:08)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:39 – Guest describes the post-medication shift in one son: more present, less anxious, interacting with family.
• 02:43 – Kristen discusses relief over reduction in motor tics and prioritizing the child’s experience.
• 04:06 – Guest candidly “outs” themselves as imperfect in accommodating neurodivergent kids.
• 05:30–06:54 – Discussion of specific accommodations: cleaning the room, making the bed, and supporting organizational deficits.
• 07:33–09:06 – Explaining step-by-step processes; adjusting expectations for different executive function profiles.
• 10:08 – The real differences between two siblings’ needs and the accommodations those require.
• 11:43 – Balancing support and autonomy in laundry and room responsibility.
• 12:25 – Unique parental roles in morning routines.

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Conclusion

This episode offers an honest, nuanced perspective on the daily, sometimes invisible labor of accommodating neurodivergent children. Through stories, admissions of imperfection, and specific examples, Kristen and her guest illuminate how support must be individually tailored, repeatedly offered, and sometimes delivered without recognition—all for the benefit of their children’s emotional and functional well-being.

Listeners are left reassured: true accommodation often looks like meeting your kid exactly where they are, doing the "unsexy" tasks, and being willing to flex your approach as each child—and each day—requires.

Transcript

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[Kristen Carter]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen. Because let's be real, some of us ADHD ers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling. We talked about the one kiddo having more self expression and being being more present and less inattentive. What did you see with the other one? With the other kiddo who was medicated? How did number that child? I don't want to out him.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yeah, that's fine. The two things that I'm thinking of is he would come out of his room and just be more present in the home. He was able to tolerate the interactions with family where it seemed as though the interactions with family and even just the fear of being asked to do something was enough to just push him into his room so he closed the door to be by himself in a very self protective little man cave, you know, or just tune everybody out in a way to just keep that inner noise down. And and so he would come out more often. And then I noticed too that he was just more relaxed. He didn't look visibly anxious all of the time through the way he was displaying using his fingers in his hands and his head and his mouth. He just looked more relaxed.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, definitely the medication took care of the motor tics and that was huge just for him as a person existing in the world. They caused us a lot of anxiety, but that doesn't matter at all. It was more like what he was experiencing. And to see that dissipate was just such a huge relief that he was able to just exist without having to have his body doing all of those things that were somewhat debilitating to him.

[Co-host or Guest]

I would say they were at times.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Who.

[Co-host or Guest]

And he was just trying to make himself feel better.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

Just trying to relieve some tension in his body. Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

But that just shows how much he was carrying. How much tension he was carrying.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. It's so true. So true. Ooh, it's so true. Okay, so how have we accommodated our kids? We can speak specifically or just kind of like in general, but like, what are your thoughts on. So we found out they're neurodivergent. We suspect that one of our kids is pretty neurotypical, maybe has some anxiety. But, like, who doesn't? But from what we've seen so far, he seems neurotypical. So two of the three neurodivergent. How have we learned to accommodate them?

[Co-host or Guest]

So I'm gonna. I'm gonna be really honest here and out myself a bit. I. And I am imperfect with one of them. Actually with both of them. It would be foolish for me to claim I was perfect in any environment.

[Kristen Carter]

One is easier than the other in some ways.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yes. So there's one. I haven't quite yet figured out how. What engagement and accommodation looks like in that relationship. The other kid, I clean up his room.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, you do.

[Co-host or Guest]

And he's old enough to do it himself. And I am too old to be doing this for him, but I will go in his room.

[Kristen Carter]

So cute.

[Co-host or Guest]

And I will make his bed. And I will find things under his bed that he took from the pantry that he's not supposed to. And I will clean it up. There will be trash or chips.

[Kristen Carter]

Tell them what you came down with last night. Yesterday in your hand, three bags of chips. Like four. Like, not like snack bags.

[Co-host or Guest]

And they're not allowed to have food in there.

[Kristen Carter]

No, they're not. The lay holes. Like, what the heck?

[Co-host or Guest]

But they. But he snuck it up there and thought he could hide it under his bed, which is. I see it right there every time I go in.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Co-host or Guest]

But he is. He does not have the capacity to. To take care of it. He just doesn't. And I used to be upset about it. Like, when are you gonna figure this out? When are you gonna. Like when are you gonna grow up? When are you gonna take care of. So I have just in for. In this one. One out of the three I go over and above to make sure the room's Livable.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. He struggles so much with organization. That's like his primary executive function that he struggles with. And you have built up a tolerance or a capacity to be able to engage with him in that one weakness that he has. And that's. I see it. I think one of the most nurturing things that you do for him is making his bed. So that. Cause I don't know what he does, but his sheets are destroyed by morning.

[Co-host or Guest]

They're every day.

[Kristen Carter]

Every day, every day. And you. I, I never. Sometimes if he's like, mommy, will you come snuggle with me? Which I'm like, I will be right there. Of course I will, like, you know, make. Tidy up his sheets. But like, you think about going into his room and like, making the bed. Yeah, It's. That's just.

[Co-host or Guest]

He needs it from me. Yeah, he needs it. And I, I don't want to do it, but I do want to provide for my kid, what they need for me.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

To a certain extent, you know, like, I mean, some. They still have to learn how to do stuff on their own, but he, this is one area that he needs me to step in and support him on.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[Co-host or Guest]

The other one, I don't do anything to clean his room or take care of, but I have to explain everything in detail.

[Kristen Carter]

What do you mean?

[Co-host or Guest]

If there's something that he needs to do, I go through all of the steps.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. So your accommodation is your willingness to go through all the steps, answer all the questions. Okay.

[Co-host or Guest]

What time does this start? Where do you have to be? How long is it going to take? Do you have to pick anybody up? And then.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes, it's so good.

[Co-host or Guest]

And then, you know, however, to wrap it up.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Co-host or Guest]

Just take the time to explain things.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yeah. So like the other day, I, you know, we went on a vacation recently, and I needed his help getting the car top carrier down. And I, before we did it, as soon as I brought it up. Dad. What?

[Kristen Carter]

You know, just typical full body resistance.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yeah. Why? Why are you asking me to do anything at all?

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

He's like, I can't. It's too heavy for me to lift myself.

[VRBO Narrator]

Right.

[Co-host or Guest]

So. But when we finally got out to the garage, I was like, I'm going to get the ladder out. I'm going to put the ladder up. You're going to stand here, you're going to hold your arm up, I'm going to pull it down, and then the two of us will get it the rest of the way together as a Pair and then we. But the other one doesn't require that level of explanation.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. Okay, so what you're saying is you understand that his brain is not going to anticipate the steps. His brain needs you to spell everything out. And your way of accommodating him is doing that without yelling at him or expecting him to know. In fact, you expect him not to know. And so you're setting him up for success.

[Co-host or Guest]

When I am at my best, that's what I do.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. When you're at your best. Well, we spent many years not understanding him and expecting him to know. He would feel like I don't under. What? Like, what are you even doing?

[Co-host or Guest]

Why are you upset with me right now? I don't even know how to do what you're asking me.

[Kristen Carter]

And we're like, how could you not know? Right. Like common sense stuff. Not that he doesn't have common sense. He actually has quite a bit. But in those, like, step by step.

[Co-host or Guest]

Things, we're going to lift this object that is larger than what my arm span is and heavier than what I can lift.

[Kristen Carter]

Here's how that is going to look.

[Co-host or Guest]

Someone will be like, I'll get on one end, you get on the other. But in some instances you have to say, you're going to stand here, I'm going to stand here. We're going to put our arms down here. We're going to lift at the same time.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Oh, it's so interesting.

[Co-host or Guest]

Those are my answers for the two.

[Kristen Carter]

It's so good. And it really speaks to getting to know your child. And the difference is. So we have two neurodivergent kids. They both struggle with executive functioning, but they're completely different. Completely different. And so one of them, you know that you can just say, like, hey, help me with the car top carrier. And they're just gonna figure out the steps as they go along. Not get frustrated, not get anxious, not. It's whatever. The other one, you know. Okay. They're gonna need the step by step. I have to explain it in advance. I might also have to explain it as we go. Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

And they already don't want to help me, so I have to like, deflect that internally.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

I wouldn't need this car top carry if it weren't. If we didn't have so many space. If it weren't for you. That's really rude. I would never say that.

[Kristen Carter]

No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't even really think it.

[Co-host or Guest]

So for the other things, like for the one I don't Help with the room. I say to him every maybe once a month or once every other month, hey, I'm willing to do all of your laundry if it's in the basket. And I just leave it up to him to do it.

[Kristen Carter]

Because if you were to, say, put your laundry in your basket, what would happen?

[Co-host or Guest]

It wouldn't happen. It would be.

[Kristen Carter]

Not only would it not. Yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

An active resistance to. My dad told me to do this, so I'm not going to do it, but I just tried to then say, this is something that needs to be done. I'm here to help you.

[Kristen Carter]

Mm.

[Co-host or Guest]

That's sorta. That's an accommodation.

[Kristen Carter]

Huge.

[Co-host or Guest]

That I'm not doing it for him, but I'm, like, stepping up to the line and giving him the autonomy to meet me at that line. So it's your decision.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Co-host or Guest]

To step up to that line. And then I'll take it from here.

[Kristen Carter]

Which is actually an accommodation. And we're gonna be talking about that when we talk about demand avoidance and parenting kids who demand avoidance. It's gonna be fun. I just want to say one more thing, which is with that particular kiddo, you don't clean his room. You do wake him up gently and kindly every morning for school. Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

He needs it. I don't get it. I don't know why I wake up on my own or with an alarm, but.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. But when I wake him up, I get angry. I don't know why. Yeah, but you are really nice to him when you wake him up.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yeah. I mean, that falls into the category of, like, divided responsibilities.

[Kristen Carter]

True, true, true. Thanks for listening to this bite size episode of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today, and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye. Bye.