Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Host: Kristen Carder
Episode 364: From Walking on Eggshells to Walking in Self-Trust
Release Date: December 30, 2025

Episode Theme and Purpose

In this powerful and deeply honest episode, Kristen Carder explores the journey from living with rejection sensitivity—especially acute for adults with ADHD—and operating in a place of constant vigilance and fear ("walking on eggshells"), toward building a life rooted in self-trust and emotional safety. Kristen candidly shares her own experiences, particularly within her marriage, to illustrate how healing from rejection sensitivity is possible. The episode is filled with relatable stories, practical insights, and a message of hope for anyone struggling with this distressing aspect of ADHD.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rejection Sensitivity and ADHD (09:30–18:00)

• Definition & Experience:
  Kristen defines rejection sensitivity as a "deeply distressing emotional response to real or perceived rejection." The key, she emphasizes, is that the emotional pain is the same whether the rejection is real or imagined.

  “The emotional response is the same, whether or not the rejection is real or perceived. That's important for us to note because the emotional response is what matters.” (21:55)

• Childhood Roots:
  Many adults with ADHD experience this sensitivity due to frequent criticism, unpredictability, or instability in early relationships—especially with parents or teachers. These experiences lead to hypervigilance in later relationships.

  “Your nervous system did exactly what it needed to do to survive, which was become hypervigilant and constantly on the lookout for threat.” (27:41)

• Compassion and Grief:
  Kristen pauses to acknowledge the grief that comes with recognizing these childhood patterns, encouraging listeners to be gentle and compassionate with themselves.

  “Grief is one of the bridges from moving from walking on eggshells to walking in self-trust. Grief about the truth of what it was like for you growing up. There's grief there and I get it.” (19:45)

2. From Hypervigilance to Healing (34:00–45:00)

• Living on Eggshells:
  Kristen recounts how rejection sensitivity led her to interpret neutral or ambiguous cues as rejection, particularly in her marriage, causing unnecessary anxiety and conflict.

  “My system, my nervous system, my body, my heart, my gut, my soul, like, the rate of my heartbeat interpreted everything, every neutral signal as danger. And I reacted from fear constantly, not from grounded presence in my own house.” (48:24)

• The Turning Point:
  After plugging all the "ADHD holes" (time management, productivity, impulse control), she was left with the challenge of feeling emotionally unsafe in her own home. Realizing the issue was internal—not caused by her husband or others—shifted her focus toward healing.

• Seeking Support:
  Kristen highlights the importance of therapy and trauma-informed coaching in her journey, including the necessity of building safe relationships where one can co-regulate and validate their feelings.

  “We can't do rejection sensitivity work alone. Reading a book or listening to a podcast is a great start. But it is not going to lead you to a pathway of healing because ... this rejection sensitivity wound has to be healed in relationship.” (57:50)

3. Practical Pathways Toward Self-Trust (1:05:00–1:16:00)

• Assessing Relationship Safety:
  Kristen discusses learning to logically assess which relationships are truly safe, and which are not—sometimes requiring a "great pruning" to remove unsafe people and environments.

• Building New Patterns:
  In safe relationships, she now actively practices emotional regulation using the “RAIN” method:

  • Recognize what you’re feeling
  • Allow the emotion
  • Investigate what’s going on
  • Nurture yourself with compassion

  “I lean on a very simple emotional regulation tool called RAIN ... recognize what I'm feeling, allow the emotion, investigate what's going on, and nurture myself with compassion.” (1:12:45)

• Self-Reassurance Before Seeking External Comfort:
  Kristen describes checking in with herself first before asking her partner for reassurance—honoring her own needs without making it her spouse's job to soothe every insecurity.

  “No amount of external soothing can fill the void that comes from the old rejection wounds. It's just not—it's never going to be enough.” (1:15:21)

4. Outcomes: The "After" of Healing (1:18:00–1:26:00)

• Not Rejection-Proof, but Resilient:
  Kristen admits she still experiences old triggers, but now supports herself enough to participate in relationships and life—even when scared.

  “I can't promise that you can rejection-proof your life. That's not a thing. ... But I can promise that if you begin to build this skill set, you will be able to support yourself so that you can still participate in relationships as the person that you want to be.” (1:19:00)

• Shifting the Internal Narrative:
  Healing allows for discernment: the ability to tell real rejection from imagined, and to stop treating safe people like threats. The ultimate goal is to live from a place of grounded adulthood—where you trust yourself and stop living like you're always about to "get in trouble."

  “Adults don't get in trouble. That kids get in trouble. Adults don't get in trouble. Stop living like someone who's about to get in trouble.” (1:25:19)

• The Hopeful Invitation:
  The hope is progress—not perfection. Self-trust is possible and healing rejection sensitivity can profoundly change how one feels in community and connection.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the importance of community healing:

  “Dr. Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community. And I have absolutely found this to be true.” (41:40)

• On the endurance of rejection wounds:

  “No amount of external soothing can fill the void that comes from the old rejection wounds. ... There’s just not enough reassurance in the world. I am a bottomless pit.” (1:15:21)

• Offering hope and compassion:

  “What I want to offer you is hope: you can make progress in this area. You can become someone who goes from walking on eggshells to walking in self trust. It is absolutely possible for you. I believe it with all of my heart.” (1:28:45)

Important Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------| | 09:30 | Explicit definition and explanation of rejection sensitivity (RS) | | 18:55 | Acknowledgement of grief rooted in childhood RS | | 34:00 | Living on eggshells—how hypervigilance shows up in relationships | | 48:24 | The impact of RS on marriage and personal life | | 57:50 | Importance of healing RS through community | | 1:05:00 | Learning the logical difference between safe and unsafe relationships | | 1:12:45 | Using the RAIN method for emotional regulation | | 1:15:21 | Limits of external reassurance; shift to self-soothing | | 1:19:00 | Building resilience instead of seeking rejection-proofing | | 1:25:19 | Call to live as grounded adults, not scared children | | 1:28:45 | Closing message of hope and belief in listener's ability to heal |

Overall Tone

Kristen’s tone is empathetic, encouraging, and gently authoritative. She combines vulnerability with practical guidance, often speaking directly to the listener in a nurturing manner. There’s frequent use of humor, especially around relatable ADHD struggles, but the central message is motivational and deeply compassionate.

Summary Conclusion

This episode serves as both a balm and a guide for adults with ADHD struggling with rejection sensitivity. Kristen offers not just understanding, but clear pathways to progress: recognize childhood roots, assess real vs. perceived safety, regulate emotions, prune unsafe relationships, and practice self-compassion. Above all, she delivers hope that healing is possible, inviting listeners to imagine a life lived in self-trust rather than fear.

Upcoming Event:
Kristen is hosting a free webinar, Rejection Sensitivity 101: Understanding it, soothing it, healing it, on January 8th at 12PM EST.
Sign up: ihaveadhd.com/rejection (Replay available)

“Adults don’t get in trouble. Stop living like someone who’s about to get in trouble.” – Kristen Carder (1:25:19)