Podcast Summary: "The Hidden Wound of ADHD: Emotional Loneliness at Home"

I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 368
Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson
Date: January 12, 2026

Episode Overview

In this compelling episode, Kristen Carder interviews Dr. Lindsay Gibson, psychologist and renowned author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. Together, they explore the profound and often invisible experience of emotional loneliness in adulthood, particularly among people with ADHD. Dr. Gibson explains the dynamics of growing up with emotionally immature parents, how this impacts adult functioning, and actionable strategies for healing and setting boundaries. The discussion is especially relevant for adults with ADHD, highlighting the cyclical connection between neurodivergence and emotional immaturity across generations.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Emotional Immaturity & Its Link to ADHD

• Kristen introduces her view that many adults with ADHD have been raised by emotionally immature parents, noting, "ADHD is hereditary. We already know that. But I believe it's pretty clear that not just ADHD gets passed down... Emotional immaturity gets passed down in families, too." (08:59)
• Dr. Gibson expands: True emotional maturity in parents is marked by the ability to see the child as psychologically real—having an inner world and individuality:

  "When you don't have a parent who can resonate with you empathically...when you get that from an emotionally mature enough parent, you feel calmed, you feel present." (18:28)

• Insight: Many traits commonly associated with ADHD (emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking, poor self-reflection) mirror those of emotionally immature parents.

2. The Core Wound: Emotional Loneliness

• Dr. Gibson describes emotional loneliness as the number one marker of being raised by emotionally immature parents:

  "The feeling of emotional loneliness is the number one characteristic of adults who have grown up with emotionally immature parents, in my experience." (21:39)

• She distinguishes between being cared for physically and feeling seen emotionally.
• Kristen summarizes: "We internalize that as kiddos and we look and we say, well, my physical needs are met and my parents are present, so I really should be grateful. But there's just something missing." (24:02)
• Notable Quote:

  "It goes to the heart of attachment, which is a psychological experience with the parent." – Dr. Gibson (24:26)

3. Traits of Emotionally Immature Parents

• Specific traits identified by Dr. Gibson:
  • Fear of genuine emotion
  • Pulling back from emotional closeness
  • Use of coping mechanisms that resist reality
  • Inconsistency and emotional unreliability
  • Poor empathy—imagination used only for practical purposes, not for true connection
  • Feelings treated as facts, a phenomenon termed "affective realism"

  "If I feel like you don't love me, it's a fact that you don't love me." (26:25)

• They also tend to make their needs primary, becoming blind to their child's needs when their own agenda is activated.

4. The Birth of People-Pleasing and the Role of Parentification

• Dr. Gibson outlines the destructive choice these children must make:

  "The child then, of course has to choose between emotional safety, which would be staying in good with mom...Or staying true to themselves." (31:41)

• Kristen notes this as the origin of people-pleasing: "It sounds like that's how people pleasers are born." (32:06)
• Quote from Dr. Gibson's book:

  "Children may learn to put other people's needs first as the price of admission to a relationship..." (35:12)

• Parentification: The child becomes the caretaker of the parent's emotions, reversing the natural relationship.

  "There's the parentification that happens with the child where they end up really functioning as the comforting parent to that parent's inner child, so to speak." (38:11)

5. Impact of This Dynamic in Adult Relationships

• The family system often continues to revolve around keeping the emotionally immature parent stable, even into adulthood.
• Dr. Gibson:

  "The parent is the most important person in the relationship. That's something that everybody buys into in the family." (39:09)

• When adult children set boundaries, parents often respond with guilt and accusations (“You don’t love me,” “I must be a terrible parent”).
• Noteworthy story: An adult child schedules his child’s birthday over his father’s vague visit plans, and the father reacts with manipulative guilt, yet the child holds his boundary (43:08).

6. The Weaponization of Guilt

• Dr. Gibson distinguishes between moral guilt and toxic guilt:

  "Guilt is a signal in these situations that I have been emotionally coerced. In other words, somebody was trying to get me to feel something that was going to be to their advantage..." (56:51)

• Kristen emphasizes the process of thinking through guilt: "Is this guilt here to teach me something, or is this guilt here to hold me in line with somebody else's expectation?" (47:24)
• The freedom and self-respect that comes from enduring and questioning this guilt is a central theme.

7. Emotional Disengagement/Disentangling as Healing

• The practice of emotional disengagement is explained as a way to restore peace:

  "We get emotionally entangled...Your reactions are not cleanly separate from what they're doing...The cure for that is to be able to stand back and see what's going on with your higher adult mind." (59:56)

• The goal: Set boundaries, recognize coercive behaviors, and make decisions based on your own values and needs rather than the parent’s reactivity.
• Key Takeaway:

  "You've got to have space. You should have space for yourself." (63:21)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Immaturity Passing Down
  "Neurodivergence plus emotional immaturity gets handed down until someone decides, this stops with me." – Kristen (10:43)
• Empathy Failure
  "They don’t use imagination for empathy, which has the sole purpose of understanding and making connections with other people. That’s not something that occurs to them." – Dr. Gibson (26:25)
• Coercive Guilt
  "Guilt is a signal in these situations that I have been emotionally coerced." – Dr. Gibson (56:51)
• On Boundaries
  "It is a price worth paying." – Kristen (14:28)
• On Space for Self
  "You've got to have space." – Dr. Gibson (63:21)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:37 – Kristen’s introduction and framing of emotional loneliness in ADHD families
• 15:20 – Dr. Gibson joins; addresses her book’s widespread impact
• 21:39 – Defining emotional loneliness as the primary marker
• 26:25 – Cardinal traits of emotional immaturity
• 32:06 – The creation of people-pleasers
• 38:11 – Explanation of parentification
• 39:09 – Adult relationships with emotionally immature parents
• 43:08 – Story illustrating boundary-setting and parental guilt
• 47:24 – Differentiating healthy guilt from toxic guilt
• 56:51 – Guilt as a signal of emotional coercion
• 59:56 – Emotional disengagement and disentangling
• 63:21 – The importance of personal space and individuality

Conclusion

Kristen and Dr. Gibson deliver a powerful and validating exploration of how adults with ADHD often inherit and perpetuate cycles of emotional immaturity and loneliness. Through candid conversation and concrete examples, they offer listeners ways to recognize harmful patterns, set boundaries, and begin a process of disentanglement that nurtures individuality and emotional safety. The episode encourages ADHDers to claim space for themselves and break free from long-standing familial roles—an essential step for healing and generational change.

Further Resources:

• Dr. Gibson's books (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and the forthcoming Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People)
• Dr. Gibson’s website: www.drlindsaygibson.com
• Kristen's Group Coaching Program: FOCUSED