Podcast Host (2:39)

It's perfect if you're not in the

Kristen Carter (2:41)

mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHD just start. Just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.

Podcast Host (3:09)

I just, I relate so much to having to figure out how to trust yourself even in the midst of some chaos or some uncertainty. And also realizing that, like, no matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be. And I think that you and I have an amount of privilege where we can pay our bills.

Guest (3:40)

Yeah.

Podcast Host (3:41)

Where we have a stable home.

Kristen Carter (3:44)

Right.

Podcast Host (3:44)

Where we have husbands who are kind to us.

Kristen Carter (3:47)

Right.

Podcast Host (3:47)

And so of course, there is a level of safety that is objective that some people have to work toward. But for I think the majority of listeners who, you know, are able to pay their bills and who are in safe enough homes, the feeling of safety, then moving forward is about the internal work of how can I make sure that I am self soothing, that I'm trusting my decisions, that I'm working to build safety on the inside and not looking to pin it on something on the outside.

Guest (4:26)

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Podcast Host (4:28)

So what was the process for you being someone previously who couldn't see the path forward? Because I think this is gonna really be helpful to ADHDers who are fuzzy. You described it as being like, the future is opaque. And that's such a perfect description because I think there is a frustration and a feeling of stuckness for a lot of people in the community who are just like, okay, like, I have a job, but is this the job that I want? Like, I have a family, but, like, is it, do I want more kids or do I want to move? And just making those decisions from a place of authority and agency. Tell me a little bit about that process for you.

Guest (5:17)

Yeah, well, I still don't have a plan. I'm just like, making one decision at a time, like, trying to do the next thing that makes sense, but trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay. Like, I've never let us down in the past. Us meaning, like, my family haven't let us down in the past. Like, I've always taken care of everything. If I need to go back to software engineering, I can. Like, that's always an option. But yeah, I. I mean, I still don't have a clear vision of, like, I kind of know where I'd like to be in a year, but it's like now at least I can see, like a couple weeks, a month in the future.

Podcast Host (6:04)

It's so great that you're saying this though, because I think that it is a little bit unattainable when someone comes in and they're like, I know exactly where I'm going, I know exactly what I'm doing. I have the exact plan. I'm just gonna follow the steps. And that sounds great, and a lot of people want that, but I think for the average listener, it's like, that feels out of reach.

Guest (6:25)

That sounds crazy to me still. Like, how do you know? Like, how. How you can't know what's going to happen.

Kristen Carter (6:31)

Yep.

Podcast Host (6:32)

I love that you said, I'm just doing the next thing that makes sense.

Kristen Carter (6:37)

And.

Podcast Host (6:38)

And I think that that could be really encouraging to the listener as well. Like, what is the next thing that makes sense? And then building your sense of safety, security and self trust around, like, your ability to do that. Your ability to, like, pivot if you need to.

Guest (6:53)

Yeah. And I think it's difficult to do that and not become completely reactive. Doing it still with some kind of framework and some vision of where you need to be. So that's like, definitely a balance. But yeah, I think you're just trusting yourself, I guess. Even if I was just. I mean, I've had this. I've been starting this business for two months. I have just been reacting to things like, I booked my first client completely out of the blue. Didn't think it was gonna happen. So, like, I had to scramble to, like, get a contract.

Podcast Host (7:33)

Yes.

Guest (7:33)

And then, like, you reached out to me to do the podcast and I was like, well, now I gotta make a website. Now I gotta do all this stuff. But it's like, stuff I knew I had to do.

Podcast Host (7:44)

You said to me, like, now I have a deadline. Yeah, it's really good for an ADHDer. That's perfect. Yeah, it's perfect.

Kristen Carter (7:51)

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Podcast Host (12:10)

I think that what you're describing is not reactive in a negative sense of like, I'm just reacting to everything that's coming my way. But what you're doing is you're navigating based on the information that you're receiving.

Kristen Carter (12:24)

Right?

Podcast Host (12:24)

So you're, you're making decisions and you're, you're like steering in the direction, but

Kristen Carter (12:31)

you don't get to steer without that forward momentum.

Podcast Host (12:34)

Right. Like if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere that the steering wheel doesn't even turn right. And like what you're doing is you're like moving forward and noticing where the road is going and you're just like turning in those directions.

Kristen Carter (12:48)

But you're doing that with forethought.

Podcast Host (12:53)

You're doing that intentionally.

Guest (12:56)

Yeah, I really like that way of that Feels much better than just like

Podcast Host (13:00)

I'm like, yeah, because I don't get that reactive energy. I know what you are saying when you say reactive, but I think it's more like you're creating the momentum, you're noticing where the path is going and you're steering in those different directions. Yeah, I like that too. I like that too. Something that I really related to when we were prepping for the interview is you saying that there was a time when you were using coaching tools against yourself. And I have done the same. I think a lot of people self development work as they're just getting into it will also do the same. So tell us what you meant by that. How have you used coaching tools against yourself? What was it like to notice that? How have you navigated it?

Guest (13:50)

Well, we did touch on it already. It was around, like, money and security. I used the thought, like, I need money for my family to keep me in working situations where it wasn't. It wasn't fulfilling to me. And like, like you said, this comes from a lot of privilege. Like, it's a very privileged place to say. Like, I. Making money isn't the only thing that matters to me. But I think what had happened is that I let that value, that one value, which is a good value, and it's a true thought. Like, I need money. Like, we do have bills. Like, we need to eat.

Podcast Host (14:37)

Yes.

Guest (14:38)

I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt it was tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I'm going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. Like, it happened for years. Whereas, like, I. You know, my. Some of my other values are, like, helping people, like, justice, like, making the world a more just place place. Just improving the. Not making the world, like, worse.

Podcast Host (15:06)

Sure.

Guest (15:09)

And those values, like. Like, work is so important. It's what you do eight, nine hours a day at least. That's a long time to be having a thought. I need money. The emotion that comes up is acceptance. And acceptance is not, like, a very energizing emotion. So it was so hard to do anything.

Podcast Host (15:33)

Okay, so you're in a position where you're not feeling fulfilled, but then you have the thought, well, I need money.

Kristen Carter (15:41)

And so then you accept the position

Podcast Host (15:44)

that you're in, even though it may not be your highest calling.

Guest (15:48)

Right. And I. I would do a lot of surfing. Like, let me surf all these other bad feelings that are coming up, because I'm gonna believe this thought, the true thought. I need money. And I'm gonna make that the most important thing, and I'm gonna push down. And I guess the way I was using the tools against myself is I was surfing a lot of things that I had the power to change.

Kristen Carter (16:14)

Wow.

Podcast Host (16:15)

Say more about that.

Kristen Carter (16:16)

I think that's important.

Guest (16:18)

Like, I could have gotten a different job that aligned more with my values.

Podcast Host (16:27)

You were surfing to allow yourself to tolerate an environment where maybe you weren't meant to be.

Guest (16:36)

Exactly. Yeah.

Podcast Host (16:38)

Instead, Okay, I relate to this so much. So I've done this with myself in relationships a lot where I've been like, well, I have coaching tools.

Kristen Carter (16:49)

I can.

Podcast Host (16:50)

I can process my emo. I can feel and process my emotions. So when I'm angry and resentful, which are actually, like, indicators that something is wrong, but I'm like, well I can just surf that and process it through and move on and then not confront the person, not ask them to change their behavior, not set a boundary. Cause I can just, I'll just process this emotion and not take any of the actually healthy steps.

Kristen Carter (17:20)

Right?

Podcast Host (17:21)

Because emotions are actually information. And I'm like, let me just process the information right on out of me so I don't have to do anything with it.

Guest (17:31)

Yeah. And it's like you get these tools like when you start being coached, it's like, this is so cool. Now I know what to do with these feelings. But if you're not careful, you can just make it another way to ignore. Because it's not just feeling a feeling, it's like your body is trying to tell you something. So it's like if you don't listen and keep not listening, then like you're just going to be in the same bad situation, the same unfulfilling situation that you were in before.

Kristen Carter (18:07)

Foreign. Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk. Talk to you again next week.

Podcast Host (18:34)

Bye bye.

Podcast Sponsor/Ad Voice (18:43)

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