Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 379 BITESIZE | ADHD & Self-Trust: Stop Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

Host: Kristen Carder
Date: February 19, 2026

Episode Overview

This bite-sized episode explores the intersection of ADHD, self-trust, and personal growth. Host Kristen Carder, alongside a guest, dives into how adults with ADHD can unintentionally wield growth tools—like coaching or self-development—against themselves. They discuss what it means to trust yourself despite chaos and an unclear future, the pitfalls of using growth strategies to ignore essential needs or boundaries, and how to build genuine safety and agency from within.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of Safety: Internal vs. External

• Feeling Safe is Mostly an Inside Job
  • Even after reaching external milestones (money, stable home, supportive relationships), building true safety "is still an inside job." (03:09)
  • Privilege is acknowledged—external safety isn't universal, but many listeners may be able to focus on internal work.
• Quote:

  "No matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be."
  —Kristen Carder (03:14)

2. The Challenge of Decision-Making with ADHD

• Living with Uncertainty
  • Many with ADHD experience uncertainty about the future ("the future is opaque") and struggle with long-term planning.
  • The guest shares not having a master plan, but instead makes “one decision at a time” and trusts their past ability to adapt and care for themselves and their family. (05:17)
• Quote:

  "I'm just like, making one decision at a time... trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay."
  —Guest (05:19)

• Encouragement
  • Having an exact roadmap is not always necessary or realistic; it’s okay (and even empowering) to focus on “the next thing that makes sense.” (06:32)

3. Agency, Momentum, and Non-Linear Progress

• Forward Momentum Is Vital
  • The metaphor: Steering a car only works once it’s in motion. Sitting still and trying to turn the wheel does nothing.
  • ADHDers are encouraged to “move forward and notice where the road is going,” adjusting direction as information emerges rather than waiting for certainty before acting. (12:24–12:48)
• Quote:

  "You don't get to steer without that forward momentum... like, if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere... the steering wheel doesn't even turn."
  —Kristen Carder (12:31)

• Reactivity vs. Intentionality
  • It’s not just reacting blindly—there’s forethought and intentionality in adapting to new circumstances, rather than being at their mercy. (13:00)

4. The Pitfall: Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

• How ADHDers Can Sabotage With Self-Development
  • Many, when learning coaching or self-help tools, inadvertently use them to tolerate or excuse unfulfilling, even harmful, situations (such as staying in a misaligned job or relationship).
  • Surfing (processing) negative emotions can become a way to avoid setting boundaries or making needed changes. (13:50)
• Guest’s Experience:
  • Staying in jobs due to the “I need money” thought, letting this legitimate concern override all other values—such as seeking meaning or contributing to justice.
  • Processing discomfort instead of recognizing and acting on the fact that a situation isn’t right. (15:44, 16:16)
• Quote:

  "I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt... tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I’m going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. It happened for years."
  —Guest (14:38)

• Lesson:

  “Emotions are actually information... let me just process the information right on out of me so I don’t have to do anything with it.”
  —Kristen Carder (17:21)

  • Instead, emotions and discomfort can signal the need for action rather than just more internal work.

5. Reframing Growth Tools

• Use Tools to Empower Change, Not Just Endure
  • The goal is using self-growth techniques to make aligned choices and set healthy boundaries, rather than as instruments for enduring the unacceptable.
• Awareness is Key
  • Notice when tools are silencing your real needs, and give yourself permission to act when your feelings point to necessary changes instead of continued endurance.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “No matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be.”
  • Kristen Carder (03:14)
• “I'm just like, making one decision at a time... trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay.”
  • Guest (05:19)
• “You don't get to steer without that forward momentum... like, if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere... the steering wheel doesn't even turn.”
  • Kristen Carder (12:31)
• “I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt... tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I’m going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. It happened for years.”
  • Guest (14:38)
• “Emotions are actually information... let me just process the information right on out of me so I don’t have to do anything with it.”
  • Kristen Carder (17:21)

Segment Timings

| Segment | Timestamps | |---------------------------------------|-----------------| | The nature of internal safety | 03:09–04:26 | | Decision-making and ambiguity | 04:28–06:53 | | Forward momentum and agency | 12:10–13:00 | | Using growth tools against yourself | 13:50–17:31 |

Summary & Takeaways

• Building self-trust takes patience and willingness to move forward without perfect clarity.
  Rather than waiting for a plan, making small, sensible decisions helps build confidence and resilience.
• Growth tools are empowering—but can be misused to avoid necessary change.
  Processing uncomfortable feelings is healthy, unless you use it to justify staying stuck.
• Your emotions are data, not obstacles to bypass.
  They can show you when action or boundaries are needed, not just provide opportunities for further self-soothing.
• True self-trust with ADHD means both accepting uncertainty and listening to your own needs.

For further details and the full conversation, consult the show notes or visit ihaveadhd.com.