379 BITESIZE | ADHD & Self-Trust: Stop Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

Summary

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Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 379 BITESIZE | ADHD & Self-Trust: Stop Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

Host: Kristen Carder
Date: February 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

This bite-sized episode explores the intersection of ADHD, self-trust, and personal growth. Host Kristen Carder, alongside a guest, dives into how adults with ADHD can unintentionally wield growth tools—like coaching or self-development—against themselves. They discuss what it means to trust yourself despite chaos and an unclear future, the pitfalls of using growth strategies to ignore essential needs or boundaries, and how to build genuine safety and agency from within.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of Safety: Internal vs. External

• Feeling Safe is Mostly an Inside Job
  • Even after reaching external milestones (money, stable home, supportive relationships), building true safety "is still an inside job." (03:09)
  • Privilege is acknowledged—external safety isn't universal, but many listeners may be able to focus on internal work.
• Quote:

  "No matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be."
  —Kristen Carder (03:14)

2. The Challenge of Decision-Making with ADHD

• Living with Uncertainty
  • Many with ADHD experience uncertainty about the future ("the future is opaque") and struggle with long-term planning.
  • The guest shares not having a master plan, but instead makes “one decision at a time” and trusts their past ability to adapt and care for themselves and their family. (05:17)
• Quote:

  "I'm just like, making one decision at a time... trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay."
  —Guest (05:19)

• Encouragement
  • Having an exact roadmap is not always necessary or realistic; it’s okay (and even empowering) to focus on “the next thing that makes sense.” (06:32)

3. Agency, Momentum, and Non-Linear Progress

• Forward Momentum Is Vital
  • The metaphor: Steering a car only works once it’s in motion. Sitting still and trying to turn the wheel does nothing.
  • ADHDers are encouraged to “move forward and notice where the road is going,” adjusting direction as information emerges rather than waiting for certainty before acting. (12:24–12:48)
• Quote:

  "You don't get to steer without that forward momentum... like, if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere... the steering wheel doesn't even turn."
  —Kristen Carder (12:31)

• Reactivity vs. Intentionality
  • It’s not just reacting blindly—there’s forethought and intentionality in adapting to new circumstances, rather than being at their mercy. (13:00)

4. The Pitfall: Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

• How ADHDers Can Sabotage With Self-Development
  • Many, when learning coaching or self-help tools, inadvertently use them to tolerate or excuse unfulfilling, even harmful, situations (such as staying in a misaligned job or relationship).
  • Surfing (processing) negative emotions can become a way to avoid setting boundaries or making needed changes. (13:50)
• Guest’s Experience:
  • Staying in jobs due to the “I need money” thought, letting this legitimate concern override all other values—such as seeking meaning or contributing to justice.
  • Processing discomfort instead of recognizing and acting on the fact that a situation isn’t right. (15:44, 16:16)
• Quote:

  "I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt... tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I’m going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. It happened for years."
  —Guest (14:38)

• Lesson:

  “Emotions are actually information... let me just process the information right on out of me so I don’t have to do anything with it.”
  —Kristen Carder (17:21)

  • Instead, emotions and discomfort can signal the need for action rather than just more internal work.

5. Reframing Growth Tools

• Use Tools to Empower Change, Not Just Endure
  • The goal is using self-growth techniques to make aligned choices and set healthy boundaries, rather than as instruments for enduring the unacceptable.
• Awareness is Key
  • Notice when tools are silencing your real needs, and give yourself permission to act when your feelings point to necessary changes instead of continued endurance.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “No matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be.”
  • Kristen Carder (03:14)
• “I'm just like, making one decision at a time... trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay.”
  • Guest (05:19)
• “You don't get to steer without that forward momentum... like, if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere... the steering wheel doesn't even turn.”
  • Kristen Carder (12:31)
• “I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt... tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I’m going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. It happened for years.”
  • Guest (14:38)
• “Emotions are actually information... let me just process the information right on out of me so I don’t have to do anything with it.”
  • Kristen Carder (17:21)

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Segment Timings

| Segment | Timestamps | |---------------------------------------|-----------------| | The nature of internal safety | 03:09–04:26 | | Decision-making and ambiguity | 04:28–06:53 | | Forward momentum and agency | 12:10–13:00 | | Using growth tools against yourself | 13:50–17:31 |

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Summary & Takeaways

• Building self-trust takes patience and willingness to move forward without perfect clarity.
  Rather than waiting for a plan, making small, sensible decisions helps build confidence and resilience.
• Growth tools are empowering—but can be misused to avoid necessary change.
  Processing uncomfortable feelings is healthy, unless you use it to justify staying stuck.
• Your emotions are data, not obstacles to bypass.
  They can show you when action or boundaries are needed, not just provide opportunities for further self-soothing.
• True self-trust with ADHD means both accepting uncertainty and listening to your own needs.

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For further details and the full conversation, consult the show notes or visit ihaveadhd.com.

Transcript

[Podcast Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Kristen Carter]

This episode is sponsored by Talkiatry. Do you ever feel like you're doing all the right things? Journaling, drinking water, trying to move your body, learning about your adhd, and yet somehow you just still feel off? That experience comes up a lot for those of us in this community, and it can be really confusing. Sometimes therapy helps, sometimes strategy helps, and sometimes it's worth exploring whether psychiatric care can be another piece of support. That's why I want to tell you about Talkiatry. Talk I atry is a fully online psychiatry practice that connects you with a licensed psychiatrist who can provide evaluations, diagnoses and ongoing medication management for mental health conditions like adhd, anxiety, depression, insomnia and more. This isn't an app and it's not therapy. Only with Talkiatry you're meeting with a medical provider who can diagnose mental health conditions and and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. You'll work with the same clinician over time, creating care that's thoughtful, personalized and evidence based. Talkiatry also works with major insurers, which makes psychiatric care far more accessible. And the process is refreshingly simple. You complete a short online assessment, get matched with the clinicians who fit your needs and can schedule your first visit in days. Guys, in days instead of waiting months and months for care. More than 300,000 patients have already found psychiatric care through Toxiatry. If you've been waiting, wondering or wanting to explore your options, head to to DASHD to complete the short assessment and get matched in minutes. That's tochiatry.com I have ADHD. Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are

[Podcast Host]

listening to a bite sized episode of

[Kristen Carter]

the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll.

[Podcast Host]

This little episode is one of my

[Kristen Carter]

favorite clips from the podcast.

[Podcast Host]

It's perfect if you're not in the

[Kristen Carter]

mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHD just start. Just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.

[Podcast Host]

I just, I relate so much to having to figure out how to trust yourself even in the midst of some chaos or some uncertainty. And also realizing that, like, no matter what monetary number you get to, feeling safe is still an inside job. It just, it always is going to be. And I think that you and I have an amount of privilege where we can pay our bills.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Where we have a stable home.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Podcast Host]

Where we have husbands who are kind to us.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Podcast Host]

And so of course, there is a level of safety that is objective that some people have to work toward. But for I think the majority of listeners who, you know, are able to pay their bills and who are in safe enough homes, the feeling of safety, then moving forward is about the internal work of how can I make sure that I am self soothing, that I'm trusting my decisions, that I'm working to build safety on the inside and not looking to pin it on something on the outside.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Podcast Host]

So what was the process for you being someone previously who couldn't see the path forward? Because I think this is gonna really be helpful to ADHDers who are fuzzy. You described it as being like, the future is opaque. And that's such a perfect description because I think there is a frustration and a feeling of stuckness for a lot of people in the community who are just like, okay, like, I have a job, but is this the job that I want? Like, I have a family, but, like, is it, do I want more kids or do I want to move? And just making those decisions from a place of authority and agency. Tell me a little bit about that process for you.

[Guest]

Yeah, well, I still don't have a plan. I'm just like, making one decision at a time, like, trying to do the next thing that makes sense, but trusting myself that no matter what happens, like, we're gonna be okay. Like, I've never let us down in the past. Us meaning, like, my family haven't let us down in the past. Like, I've always taken care of everything. If I need to go back to software engineering, I can. Like, that's always an option. But yeah, I. I mean, I still don't have a clear vision of, like, I kind of know where I'd like to be in a year, but it's like now at least I can see, like a couple weeks, a month in the future.

[Podcast Host]

It's so great that you're saying this though, because I think that it is a little bit unattainable when someone comes in and they're like, I know exactly where I'm going, I know exactly what I'm doing. I have the exact plan. I'm just gonna follow the steps. And that sounds great, and a lot of people want that, but I think for the average listener, it's like, that feels out of reach.

[Guest]

That sounds crazy to me still. Like, how do you know? Like, how. How you can't know what's going to happen.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep.

[Podcast Host]

I love that you said, I'm just doing the next thing that makes sense.

[Kristen Carter]

And.

[Podcast Host]

And I think that that could be really encouraging to the listener as well. Like, what is the next thing that makes sense? And then building your sense of safety, security and self trust around, like, your ability to do that. Your ability to, like, pivot if you need to.

[Guest]

Yeah. And I think it's difficult to do that and not become completely reactive. Doing it still with some kind of framework and some vision of where you need to be. So that's like, definitely a balance. But yeah, I think you're just trusting yourself, I guess. Even if I was just. I mean, I've had this. I've been starting this business for two months. I have just been reacting to things like, I booked my first client completely out of the blue. Didn't think it was gonna happen. So, like, I had to scramble to, like, get a contract.

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Guest]

And then, like, you reached out to me to do the podcast and I was like, well, now I gotta make a website. Now I gotta do all this stuff. But it's like, stuff I knew I had to do.

[Podcast Host]

You said to me, like, now I have a deadline. Yeah, it's really good for an ADHDer. That's perfect. Yeah, it's perfect.

[Kristen Carter]

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[Podcast Host]

I think that what you're describing is not reactive in a negative sense of like, I'm just reacting to everything that's coming my way. But what you're doing is you're navigating based on the information that you're receiving.

[Kristen Carter]

Right?

[Podcast Host]

So you're, you're making decisions and you're, you're like steering in the direction, but

[Kristen Carter]

you don't get to steer without that forward momentum.

[Podcast Host]

Right. Like if you're sitting in a car and it's not going anywhere that the steering wheel doesn't even turn right. And like what you're doing is you're like moving forward and noticing where the road is going and you're just like turning in those directions.

[Kristen Carter]

But you're doing that with forethought.

[Podcast Host]

You're doing that intentionally.

[Guest]

Yeah, I really like that way of that Feels much better than just like

[Podcast Host]

I'm like, yeah, because I don't get that reactive energy. I know what you are saying when you say reactive, but I think it's more like you're creating the momentum, you're noticing where the path is going and you're steering in those different directions. Yeah, I like that too. I like that too. Something that I really related to when we were prepping for the interview is you saying that there was a time when you were using coaching tools against yourself. And I have done the same. I think a lot of people self development work as they're just getting into it will also do the same. So tell us what you meant by that. How have you used coaching tools against yourself? What was it like to notice that? How have you navigated it?

[Guest]

Well, we did touch on it already. It was around, like, money and security. I used the thought, like, I need money for my family to keep me in working situations where it wasn't. It wasn't fulfilling to me. And like, like you said, this comes from a lot of privilege. Like, it's a very privileged place to say. Like, I. Making money isn't the only thing that matters to me. But I think what had happened is that I let that value, that one value, which is a good value, and it's a true thought. Like, I need money. Like, we do have bills. Like, we need to eat.

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Guest]

I let that one thought take over all my other values because it felt it was tied to the safety of, like, if I have $8 million, I'm going to be safe, so let me stay. Wasn't just one job. Like, it happened for years. Whereas, like, I. You know, my. Some of my other values are, like, helping people, like, justice, like, making the world a more just place place. Just improving the. Not making the world, like, worse.

[Podcast Host]

Sure.

[Guest]

And those values, like. Like, work is so important. It's what you do eight, nine hours a day at least. That's a long time to be having a thought. I need money. The emotion that comes up is acceptance. And acceptance is not, like, a very energizing emotion. So it was so hard to do anything.

[Podcast Host]

Okay, so you're in a position where you're not feeling fulfilled, but then you have the thought, well, I need money.

[Kristen Carter]

And so then you accept the position

[Podcast Host]

that you're in, even though it may not be your highest calling.

[Guest]

Right. And I. I would do a lot of surfing. Like, let me surf all these other bad feelings that are coming up, because I'm gonna believe this thought, the true thought. I need money. And I'm gonna make that the most important thing, and I'm gonna push down. And I guess the way I was using the tools against myself is I was surfing a lot of things that I had the power to change.

[Kristen Carter]

Wow.

[Podcast Host]

Say more about that.

[Kristen Carter]

I think that's important.

[Guest]

Like, I could have gotten a different job that aligned more with my values.

[Podcast Host]

You were surfing to allow yourself to tolerate an environment where maybe you weren't meant to be.

[Guest]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Instead, Okay, I relate to this so much. So I've done this with myself in relationships a lot where I've been like, well, I have coaching tools.

[Kristen Carter]

I can.

[Podcast Host]

I can process my emo. I can feel and process my emotions. So when I'm angry and resentful, which are actually, like, indicators that something is wrong, but I'm like, well I can just surf that and process it through and move on and then not confront the person, not ask them to change their behavior, not set a boundary. Cause I can just, I'll just process this emotion and not take any of the actually healthy steps.

[Kristen Carter]

Right?

[Podcast Host]

Because emotions are actually information. And I'm like, let me just process the information right on out of me so I don't have to do anything with it.

[Guest]

Yeah. And it's like you get these tools like when you start being coached, it's like, this is so cool. Now I know what to do with these feelings. But if you're not careful, you can just make it another way to ignore. Because it's not just feeling a feeling, it's like your body is trying to tell you something. So it's like if you don't listen and keep not listening, then like you're just going to be in the same bad situation, the same unfulfilling situation that you were in before.

[Kristen Carter]

Foreign. Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk. Talk to you again next week.

[Podcast Host]

Bye bye.

[Podcast Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Commercial Insurance. As a business owner, you take a lot of roles. Marketer, bookkeeper, CEO. But when it comes to small business insurance, Progressive has you covered. They offer discounts on commercial auto insurance, customizable coverages that can grow with your business, and reliable protection for whatever comes your way. Count on Progressive to handle your insurance while you do well. Everything else quote Today in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company coverage provided and serviced by affiliated and third party insurers. Discounts and coverage selections not available in all states or situations.