381 BITESIZE | Grieving the Life You Could Have Had (Late-Diagnosed ADHD)

Summary

I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 381 BITESIZE

Grieving the Life You Could Have Had (Late-Diagnosed ADHD)
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: February 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

This bite-sized episode dives into the emotional complexities faced by adults who are diagnosed with ADHD later in life. Host Kristen Carder addresses a heartfelt listener question from Dana, a 46-year-old woman sharing her struggles with regret and grief over missed opportunities before her recent ADHD diagnosis. The episode focuses on validating these feelings, offering guidance on processing regret, and suggests pathways for healing and moving forward.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Story: Regret and Grief After Late ADHD Diagnosis

[04:35–06:05]

• Dana (listener) describes her recent ADHD diagnosis at age 46, how medication has been life-changing, and her recurring frustration at the past:

  "I feel myself pretty frequently looking backward in my life and kind of having moments of frustration after the fact because understanding my situation now, I feel like I could have handled those things so much better if I had been medicated earlier in my life."

• She expresses gratitude for the podcast and its helpfulness in her journey.

2. Kristen’s Response: You Are Not Alone

[06:05–07:45]

• Kristen reassures Dana and listeners that this type of regret over past opportunities is extremely common for adults diagnosed later in life.
• She normalizes feelings of loss:

  "Feeling like, gosh, if I had only known, if I had only been diagnosed, if I’d only been treated earlier, I would not have maybe lost that job or ended that marriage or made that stupid money mistake, or, you know… fill in the blank."

3. The Weight of Regret: Staying "Chained to the Past"

[06:30–08:15]

• Kristen explains how fixation on past regrets becomes emotionally burdensome and holds people back:

  "When we are regretting the past, we're connected to it in a really unhealthy way and we’re kind of carrying it around like a ball and chain. Our memories just keep smacking us in the face."

• She notes the ruminative aspect, especially at night, and the toll it can take on moving forward.

4. The Pathway to Healing: Grieve Your Losses

[07:50–10:44]

• Kristen offers her main advice: accept and process grief over what was lost or missed because of late diagnosis:

  "The pathway to cutting off that ball and chain, to releasing yourself from all of that regret and your past mistakes, is being willing to grieve."

• She acknowledges this advice isn't exciting or a "quick tip," but states it is essential.
• Kristen encourages listeners to "name the losses" and "honor the grief":

  “Allow yourself to feel the pain of it, to have a good cry or two or three or four, or a rage walk or a rage hike or whatever. Processing that and allowing that deep regret and pain and grief to really move through your body — that is the pathway.”

5. Repairing the Past (Where Possible)

[10:45–13:00]

• Kristen shares her own vulnerability about her regrets as a parent and how she tries not to remain tethered to it.

  “Every time I feel myself tethered to it, I know it's an invitation to grieve. I also know that it's potentially an invitation to make a repair with my kid: to say, ‘Hey, I just had a memory about this. Do you remember that? I'm really sorry I treated you that way. You didn't deserve it.’”

• She suggests listeners may find opportunities for making amends or repairing relationships as part of processing regret.
• Kristen makes it clear this is difficult, ongoing emotional work rather than a one-and-done solution.

6. Validating Emotions and the Power of Community

[13:00–14:55]

• Kristen stresses that feeling regret is a sign that there are unprocessed losses, and encourages serious, compassionate attention to those feelings.

  “The regret that you feel, that's real. And that shows me that there’s some grief there. There’s some loss that hasn't been processed.”

• She highlights the support and validation found within the ADHD community and invites listeners to join her FOCUSED group coaching program.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kristen Carder [06:30]:

  “When we are regretting the past, we’re connected to it in a really unhealthy way and we’re kind of carrying it around like a ball and chain.”

• Kristen Carder [07:55]:

  “The pathway to cutting off that ball and chain…is being willing to grieve. That’s the pathway.”

• Kristen Carder [10:51]:

  “Processing that and allowing that deep regret and pain and grief to really move through your body — that is the pathway to cutting the ties with all of that regret.”

• Kristen Carder [12:00]:

  “…I know it’s an invitation to grieve. I also know that it’s potentially an invitation to make a repair.”

• Kristen Carder [13:50]:

  “The regret that you feel, that's real...I encourage you to really take that seriously and to honor that.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 04:35–06:05: Dana’s voicemail sharing her late diagnosis and questions about regret.
• 06:05–08:15: Kristen’s initial response, normalizing regret and explaining the "ball and chain" of the past.
• 07:50–10:44: Advice on grieving the losses associated with undiagnosed ADHD.
• 10:45–13:00: Discussing the possibility of repair and personal stories of regret.
• 13:00–14:55: The importance of community, honoring emotion, and encouragement to seek out support.

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Takeaways

• Regret over late ADHD diagnosis is normal and painful but processing it through grief is key to moving forward.
• Naming and honoring loss, feeling pain, and possibly making amends can help release past regret.
• The ADHD community offers validation, understanding, and support for those experiencing similar feelings.

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For more support and full-length discussion, visit the I Have ADHD Podcast show notes or join Kristen’s FOCUSED coaching program.

Transcript

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Talkiatry. If you're listening to this podcast, chances are that you're someone who's already doing a lot to support your mental health. You're learning about ADHD here on this podcast and you're probably trying strategies. Maybe you're also in therapy and still I know that sometimes feel heavy and like you're going through a rough patch. And if you've ever tried to look into psychiatric care, you've probably run straight into long wait lists, confusing systems or places that just didn't feel accessible. And that's where Talkiatry comes in. Tochiatry is a 100% online psychiatric practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses and ongoing medication management for mental health conditions like adhd, anxiety, depression and more. Unlike therapy only platforms, Talky atry is psychiatry, meaning you're seeing a licensed medical provider who can diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. You work with an experienced psychiatrist who takes the time to understand what's going on and builds a personalized evidence based treatment plan. That sounds wonderful and your care stays consistent. You're not starting over every visit. Tochiatry also accepts major insurers. All of their 600 plus clinicians are in network, so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out of network fees. Getting started just takes a few minutes. You complete a short online assessment, get matched with clinicians who fit your needs and can often schedule your first visit in days, not months. More than 300,000 patients have already found care through to if you've been feeling stuck or curious about whether psychiatric support could be helpful to you on your mental health journey, head to toe, I have ADHD to complete a short assessment and get matched in minutes. That's talkiatry.com ihaveadhd this episode is sponsored by Marley Spoon. By February, the whole new year new routine thing can start to feel exhausting. If you're anything like me, you want to eat well, but not at the cost of your sanity. And that's where Marley Spoon has been such a relief. What I genuinely love about Marley Spoon is how ridiculously easy they make everything. Like really really ridiculously easy. You choose from over 100 recipes each week, all chef designed, made with quality ingredients and flexible enough to match your actual energy level. They've also got a marketplace where you can add meal shortcuts, drinks and groceries, a one stop shop that makes everything feel just a little more doable. And let's talk about those nights when cooking feels like just too much. I can't do it. Marley Spoon's prepared meals are perfect for that heat. Eat done. No guilt, no takeout spiral. Just dinner that works for your family. And when I do want to cook, their tray bake meals are my go to one tray, minimal cleanup and a meal that tastes like I put in way more effort than I actually did. There's something really grounding about having meals handled, knowing dinner is going to taste good without spending mental energy, planning, shopping or deciding this new year. Fast track your way to eating well with Marley spoon. Head to marleyspoon.comofferihaveadhd for 45% off your first order and free delivery. That's marleyspoon.com offer Ihaveadhd for 45% off your 1st order and free delivery. Marley Spoon meals reimagined for Real Life hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my

[B]

favorite clips from the podcast.

[A]

It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up.

[B]

It's Thursday y'.

[A]

All. Friday is right around the corner.

[B]

If you love this clip, check out

[A]

the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.

[B]

Let's hear from Dana. Dana is having some regrets about the past. I know we can all relate to this, so let's go ahead and hear from Dana.

[C]

Hi Kristen, My name is Dana. I am a newly diagnosed with ADHD adult. I am 46 years old and found out very recently in the last couple of months that I have ADHD and I have started medicating and it's been a game changer. My question for you is for people who are diagnosed as adults so late in life, how do you move past the regrets or the looking back at your life and feeling like you missed all these opportunities because you didn't know that you had this disorder until you were older. And I feel myself pretty frequently like looking backward in my life and kind of having moments of frustration after the fact because I understanding my situation now, I feel like I could have handled those things so much better if I had been medicated earlier in my life. Yeah. Anyway, I love what you do. I appreciate the podcast very much. I'm pretty new to it, but the information you provided has already been extremely helpful. So thank you so much for what you do. And yeah, I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

[B]

Well, thanks, Dana. It's great to have you here as a listener and I'm so glad that you called in. I have talked to so many people who feel the exact way that you do. You are so not alone. Feeling like, gosh, if I had only known, if I had only been diagnosed, if I'd only been treated earlier, I would not have maybe lost that job or ended that marriage or made that stupid money mistake or, you know, you fill in the blank. There's a lot of regrets that people carry around with them. And here's what I want to say. When we are regretting the past, we're connected to it in a really unhealthy way and we're kind of carrying it around like a ball and chain. Our memories just keep smacking us in the face. Lay in bed at night and like, ruminate on all of the things that we wish we had done. And we stay chained to the past. And that is really important to notice. Is very, very, very important to notice. Because it's. If we're continually chained to the past, we're going to really struggle to move forward into the future. We're going to really struggle to be a different person moving forward because we're still very much tethered to the past. And this is the least sexy advice that I could ever give you, and I am so sorry. But the pathway to cutting off that ball and chain, to releasing yourself from all of that regret and your past mistakes, is being willing to grieve. That's the pathway. And like I said, it's not sexy, and I'm so sorry, but really allowing yourself to name the losses that you experienced because of your ADHD.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by AG1. By February, motivation usually isn't doing what it promised. In January, the routines we were excited

[B]

about, they start slipping.

[A]

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[B]

now you're making an assumption that it would be different now because you could, you know, you would be diagnosed, you would be treated and you would have handled it differently. And of course Hindsight is always 2020 and we look back and we say, oh I could have done this and this and this. Not super fair to do that to ourselves. But still, there are losses there. There are things that you wish that you had done that you didn't, or there are things that you wish that you hadn't done that you did do. And grieving that, really allowing yourself to feel the pain of it, to have a good cry or two or three or four or a rage walk or a rage hike or whatever. Processing that and allowing that deep regret and pain and grief to really move through your body. That is the pathway to cutting the ties with all of that regret. Just honoring the grief that you feel. Honoring the regret and the I Wish I had done it differently. I, I know this is not the same. It's not the same at all. But the things that I regret the most are, like, the ways that I treated my kids when they were little. And I, I, I struggle not to be tethered to that. And every time I feel myself tethered to it, I know it's an invitation to grieve. I know it's an invitation to grieve. I also know that it's potentially an invitation to make a repair with my kid, to say, hey, I just had a memory about this. Do you remember that? I'm really sorry I treated you that way. You didn't deserve it. I really want you to know that I want to be different moving forward. So it's an invitation for grief, and it potentially is an invitation for repair. And I wonder, Dana, if there are repairs that you also would like to make in addition to the grief, in addition to, like, the allowing yourself to feel the pain of it and the loss. I wonder if there are certain things that you would like to repair, kind of making amends, whether it's like, maybe with an old boss or, I don't know, a child or a partner, whatever the case may be. But again, this is not fun. This is not, like, give me the quick tip, Kristen. And like, okay, X. Do these three things, and everything's gonna be. It's like, no, this is deep work. But the regret that you feel, that's real. And that shows me that there's some grief there. There's some loss that hasn't been processed. And so I encourage you to really take that seriously and to honor that. And then if it's appropriate, if things come to mind and you feel like it's appropriate, then make some repairs as well. I hope that was helpful to you, Dana. I'm really, really glad you called in, y'. All. I love getting your voicemails. I love hearing your voices. I love. I just love interacting with you. I think this ADHD community is really special, and I so appreciate you being here. And listen, if you want more of this, if you want more of, you know, you have a question, and Kristen Carter gives you specific time and attention. I want to invite you to come in and join Focused. It's my monthly coaching membership where I offer coaching and courses and support and. And really just a lot of encouragement for adults with ADHD from all over the world. You don't have to be in the US you can be in Canada, in Europe, in Australia, anywhere. You can be any, any anywhere. We would love to have you.

[A]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week.

[B]

Bye Bye.