Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast – Episode 391 BITESIZE

"Is My Child Trying To Manipulate Me or Do They Have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)?"
Host: Kristen Carder
Guest Expert: Specialist in PDA and Parenting
Release Date: April 2, 2026

Episode Overview

This bitesize episode dives into a nuanced and often misunderstood topic: how parents can discern between what appears to be manipulative or oppositional behavior in children, and what may actually be signs of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—a nervous system difference associated with autism. Drawing on deeply personal experiences, the guest expert and host Kristen Carder discuss the challenges, emotional toll, and misunderstood realities of raising kids with PDA, reframing “challenging” behavior through the lens of disability, nervous system theory, and trauma.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding PDA and Its Manifestations

• Equalizing and ‘Big Lizard’ Metaphor

  • The guest describes her 6-year-old in “burnout” and explains his need to “equalize” by feeling “above” others to regain a sense of safety.
    • Behavioral Examples:
      • Incessantly calling video game characters “idiot, stupid” while playing Minecraft.
      • Repeatedly “blowing up” her husband in the game as a way to reassert control.
    • Memorable Quote:

      "It's this need to feel above to get back to safety... Let this kid be the bigger lizard." (Guest Expert, 03:54)

• Polyvagal Theory and PDA

  • The expert nerds out (“full nerding,” as implored by Kristen) on how, according to Polyvagal Theory, mammals downregulate fight/flight/freeze responses through social safety; yet PDA children, especially in burnout, get “stuck in their reptilian brain.”
    • Quote:

      "For PDA kids, especially in burnout, they're not getting the mammalian signals, they're just in their reptilian brain... So what are the mechanisms that a lizard has to stay safe? It's to flee, it's to freeze, or it's to be the bigger lizard." (Guest Expert, 03:55)

The “Manipulation” Misconception and Parenting Real Talk

• Addressing Judgments About Behavior

  • Kristen acknowledges common knee-jerk reactions:

    "Somebody listening could be like... her son just sounds like a jerk... that child just needs some discipline." (Kristen Carder, 04:53)

  • The guest shares how she initially doubled down on “very strict parenting”—sleep training, time-outs, traditional discipline—and how it ultimately led to increased violence and breakdown.

  • Key Insight:

    • Strict parenting escalated the situation, showing how traditional methods can worsen PDA-related distress.

  • PDA Working Definition (Research-based):

    "PDA is a survival drive for autonomy and equality that consistently overrides other survival instincts like eating, sleeping, hygiene, safety, and/or toileting." (Guest Expert, 06:07)

Real-Life Impact: When Basic Needs Are Affected

• From Misbehavior to Disability

  • The discussion covers how, under heightened stress and demands for compliance, PDA-affected kids may lose access to basic needs: eating, moving, speaking, hygiene, or toileting.
    • The guest shares her experience:

      "My son stopped eating and stopped speaking and he stopped walking. So that's where we get out of the parenting strategies and into caregiving and disability." (Guest Expert, 06:36)

• Personal Stories and Parental Guilt

  • Both Kristen and her guest share honestly about feeling like failures as parents when nothing seemed to work for their non-sleeping, non-compliant infants. They describe the isolating and shaming experience of feeling their children were somehow doing these things “to them.”
    • Memorable Exchange:

      Kristen: "I remember saying to my husband, I know he's only six months old, but I feel like he's trying to manipulate me." (10:03)
      Guest: "Yeah. I felt even worse things than that. So it's very common." (10:13)

Patterns and Diversity of Basic Needs Disabilities in PDA

• Examples of Impacted Needs (12:23–13:40)

  • Eating:
    • Extreme restriction (one child only ate potato chips, popcorn, and Pirate’s Booty for two years; was at risk for a feeding tube)

      "He ate three processed foods. Okay. Lay's potato chips, popcorn, and Pirate's Booty. I'm not exaggerating. Like, he was at risk of a feeding tube." (Guest Expert, 12:23)

  • Toileting:
    • Severe regressions, incontinence, even into older childhood or leading to medical issues.
  • Hygiene:
    • Complete refusal or combative resistance to hygiene, sometimes to the point of physical altercations.
  • Safety:
    • May involve self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or physical aggression towards others.
  • Sleep:
    • Nontraditional sleep cycles, night waking, needing to co-sleep, and more.

• Key Point:

  • These challenges are not about social “skills” or intelligence, but nervous system access and overwhelm.

    • "This has nothing to do with social communication, lack of skills or intelligence. This has to do with access and what's happening in the nervous system and brain. This is why I consider it a disability." (Guest Expert, 13:02)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "Let this kid be the bigger lizard."
  (Guest Expert on PDA, 04:31)
• "Somebody listening could be like, her son just sounds like a jerk... that child just needs some discipline."
  (Kristen Carder, 04:53)
• "That's why we got to the violence."
  (Guest Expert, describing consequences of strict parenting, 06:07)
• "PDA is a survival drive for autonomy and equality..."
  (Guest Expert, 06:07)
• "My son stopped eating and stopped speaking and he stopped walking."
  (Guest Expert, 06:36)
• "I remember saying to my husband, I know he's only six months old, but I feel like he's trying to manipulate me."
  (Kristen Carder, 10:03)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:30 – The guest expert introduces PDA “burnout” and the metaphor of “equalizing”
• 03:54–04:53 – Polyvagal Theory and “big lizard” explanation; discussion of how PDA relates to nervous system responses
• 05:38–06:36 – Consequences of traditional parenting on kids with PDA; what PDA looks like when basic needs are overridden
• 07:49–09:13 – Raw confessions from Kristen and her guest on early parenting challenges and internalized guilt
• 12:23–13:40 – Real-life examples of how PDA can impact core survival instincts like eating, toileting, and self-care

Tone and Approach

Warm, validating, honest, and often humorous even amid difficult topics. Kristen and her guest model radical vulnerability, compassion for both parents and children, and a willingness to question mainstream parenting advice.

Takeaway

This episode reframes “bad behavior” as a sign of intense nervous system demand, not willful opposition or manipulation. It invites listeners to recognize PDA as a real, disabling difference, requiring empathy and creative caregiving—not stricter discipline.

For more ADHD support and to hear the unabridged discussion, visit ihaveadhd.com.