Kristen Carter (4:13)

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll.

Podcast Sponsor / Marley Spoon Advertiser (4:24)

This little episode is one of my.

Kristen Carter (4:25)

Favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect. If you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your mid week pick me up. It's Thursday y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling. All right my friends, here's what we're going to do today. Here's where we're going today. Okay, we're about 15 minutes in, and what I would love is to take some time to explain the ADHD experience as clearly and as compassionately and concisely as I can so that your neurotypical friends, family members, partner. I don't know why I'm out to make that plural. Will have a concise explanation that's just like, right there that you don't have to do the heavy lifting of that. And we're gonna talk about what most ADHDers wish their neurotypical friends and family knew, what neurotypical friends and family can do to support ADHDers. So that's where we're going with this episod. If you are a neurotypical friend or family member that has, like, been sent this episode, I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for taking part, for having the patience and the courage and just the interest in listening and in participating in this. Your ADHD person is sending this to you because they love you, they trust you, they want to be connected to you. This is not an I told you so. This is not a shaming process. This is not one person is better than another person. None of that. All this episode is, is to foster understanding, is to foster connection. That's all that we want to do here. This is not a gotcha moment where an adhder is going to be like, see, I told you so, blah, blah. Like, that's not at all what this is. All we want to do today is encourage understanding and connection between an ADHD person and a neurotypical person. Okay? And I'm going to just do my best to be the bridge between the two. And of course, I can't speak for everyone's experience. I'm going to try, but I will be speaking in generalities. I know that this is a global audience. We have listeners in 145 different countries. Okay? That's what the itunes, or what is it called Apple podcast data tells us. Like, that's huge. That's huge. So I know that I can't speak for everyone. This is a global audience, But I have coached thousands of people. Thousands and thousands. We're up to 5,000 people. And so in general, I can speak to, you know, like, what living life with ADHD is like. And I just adhder want you to understand that, like, you're probably gonna need to add your own specifics to this. Okay. Because I will be speaking in very general terms, so don't be afraid to add your own specific nuances, experiences, your own takes. And neurotypical friends and family. Ask your ADHD loved one about their specific experience. Like, okay, Kristen was talking, really, in generalities, but, like, tell me more about your specific experience. Oh, my gosh. An ADHDer would love to tell you. Okay. The point here, again, is to foster connection. That's the whole point of relationships anyway, is to feel connected. We're also lonely. We are all so lonely. And actually, the research that I've been talking about, the research that I'm currently conducting now, this is like three weeks in advance. I'm recording this in July. So we've only gotten about 400 submissions in. But when I tell you that most people, most people who are taking the survey are. Are saying that they're lonely, that breaks my heart. That breaks my heart. That's why a big reason why I wanted to create this episode as a connector, as a point of connection between a neurotypical and an ADHDer. Okay, so welcome in. I'm so glad you're here. To the ADHD listeners, to the neurotypical friends, family members, partners who are invited to listen today, welcome. The fact that you're here says so much. It tells us that you care deeply, that you're curious, that you're willing to learn and grow in understanding. That means everything to us. Okay, so I'm going to start here. ADHD is actually very difficult to talk about. It's complex, it's nuanced. It makes it really difficult to explain, even for people who understand it. Well, even for people like me. Even for people like, I have been working solely with adults with ADHD for the last six years. This is not like a trend for me. This was well before, like the influencers on TikTok, which, God bless all the TikTokers, but like, this was well before it was trending on social media. Well before. And yet I still find it hard to talk about. I still find it hard to explain. So if you're a neurotypical, like a typical person with a typical brain, and you're just like, I don't really get this ADHD thing. And your friend or family member who has ADHD kind of sucks at explaining it to you, where you're just kind of like, I don't really get it. Like, what are you even saying? Welcome to just the conversation. Because that is a lot of people's experiences. Okay? So we struggle to explain ADHD because it is hard to talk about. And one of the reasons why it's hard to talk about, and I'm going to start right here, is because ADHD does not create new problems. My friend and colleague, Dr. Ari Tuckman says this often. He said it here on the pod more than one time, and I quote him all the time. Because ADHD doesn't create new problems. It exacerbates the universal problems. So when your loved one with ADHD says, well, ADHD means I struggle to focus and I'm distractible, I suck at remembering things and sometimes my emotions get the better of me. And you as the neurotypical are like, yeah, I mean, like, we all do that. And then there's silence and crickets. And your ADHD person gets, like, defensive but doesn't know what to say back. And then you feel like, what are you even talking about? Like, we all struggle to remember things. We all struggle with being distracted. We all, like, struggle with this kind of stuff. Like, what are you even saying? I want you to know that ADHD does not create brand new problems. It's not like with ADHD come these problems that no one has ever experienced ever in their life. What it does is it makes the universal problems debilitating. So every single human gets distracted once in a while. Every single human is impulsive once in a while. Every single human is forgetful once in a while. But for someone with adhd, they have had to show that these symptoms are actually debilitating. They're holding them back in their life from the basic things that they want to do, but also from the big things that they want to do. They're making their life extremely difficult. And not just in one area of life, but in several areas of life. So if somebody that you love has an ADHD diagnosis, that means that they have talked about face to face with a clinician and they've talked about all of their life experiences, and they've been able to articulate that these symptoms have held them back prior to age 12, that they notice symptoms and consistently throughout their lives. And it's been debilitating to a debilitating degree. Now, that might not be what you observe, my lovely, wonderful, neurotypical friend or family member. And that's okay because we, we hide it from you. We hide the dumpster fire from you as much as we can. But just know that the symptoms that we're going to talk about, yes, they are symptoms that everyone experience from time to time in their life. But for someone who's been diagnosed with ADHD it's to a debilitating degree across three or more areas of their lives since childhood. Okay? Now, while there are a lot of similarities between people with adhd, the experience is different for everyone. ADHD is a spectrum. Deficiencies vary, the level of severity. Severity, like how bad it is, also varies and not everyone experiences it in the exact same way. So again, I want to refer you to to your ADHD loved one who sent you this lovely little podcast and ask them about their experiences. Ask them about the nuances of it for their diagnosis. Okay, I want this episode to be a conversation starter. I want this episode to be a conversation starter between ADHDER and neurotypical person where it's like, I'm going to talk about some very basic things. I'm going to try to simplify ADHD and make it so that it's understandable by everyone. But I invite you in your relationships to talk about the specifics for you. Okay? Everyone with ADHD knows what to do to improve their lives. You go to bed at a reasonable time and you wake up early. Make a list, cross the things off the list in order. Manage your time well. Yeah, we know what to do, but ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That's why ADHD is so frustrating. We're smart and we want to succeed, but we can't get ourselves to do the things that we know we should do in order to make improvements. That's why I created Focused. I'm a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019, I've spent thousands of hours coaching adults with ADHD. Time for me to focus on you. Hello. Welcome to your coaching call. I am going to be coaching you today on relationships. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from hot mess express to grounded and thriving. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where we go deep and we get to the root cause of what holds us back with adhd. I'll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions, and accept yourself, flaws and all. With this foundation, we build the skills to improve life with adhd. And not only do you get skills and tools in focus, but you're surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of self development right alongside of you. Dr. Ned Hallowell says, healing happens in community, and I have absolutely found this to be true. As a matter of fact, listen to what actual Focus members have to say about being in this program.

Focused Program Participant (16:48)

What can I say about Focused?

Podcast Sponsor / Marley Spoon Advertiser (16:50)

Whole community of people who have issues.

Kristen Carter (16:52)

Similar to you and no one judge you.

Focused Program Participant (16:54)

Focused has really supported me with my difficulties in asking for help. I've been encouraged and cheered on by the community. I really like that you can do as much or as little as you want. It's not just about the volume of the content, it's about the quality. Focus has helped me understand ADHD better.

Kristen Carter (17:10)

I would recommend this to anyone.

Focused Program Participant (17:11)

I would thoroughly recommend Focused. I can confidently say that this is one of the best decisions that I have made for myself.

Kristen Carter (17:18)

So if you're an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in Focused. Click the link in the episode description to check it out. So the first thing that we ADHDers want you, our neurotypical friends, to know is that ADHD is real. We want the whole world to know this. We want to shout it from the rooftops. We want to just, like, have billboards and like, write, like, skywriting and like, at the beach. You know how, like, the airplanes pull the banners at the beach. Like, we just want everyone to know that ADHD is real. Okay? It's not imaginary. It's not a personality quirk. It's not a made up diagnosis. It's a medically recognized disorder of self regulation. Now, not everyone loves the word disorder, and that's okay. If you don't love the word disorder, you're gonna use the word condition. Okay? Condition. But if you are like me and feel quite validated by the word or descriptor disorder, then use the word disorder. Okay? So ADHD impacts attention, behavior and emotions. The umbrella is it's a self regulation disorder of attention, behavior and emotions. We struggle to regulate attention to a debilitating degree. We struggle to regulate behavior to a debilitating degree. We struggle to regulate our emotions to. To a debilitating degree. Okay? Neuroimaging Studies, including Functional MRIs, show that the prefrontal cortex in people with ADHD often exhibits reduced activity and delayed maturation compared to neurotypical brains. That's important for you to know, okay? Since this region of the brain is heavily involved in executive functions, things like planning, prioritizing, impulse control, emotional regulation, and working memory, these differences mean that we're often operating without the full set of tools that help adults manage life. So neurotypical, if you feel like your ADHD Loved one doesn't act like an adult. This is why, okay? These differences mean that we're often operating without the full set of tools that help adults manage life. Okay? At best this is frustrating and at worst it can be completely debilitating. So if your ADHD loved one has had multiple jobs, multiple partners, multiple like failures, multiple car accidents, multiple years in debt or with under earning like, this is why. Executive functions are the mental skills that keep us afloat in daily life. And when they're compromised, like they are with someone with adhd, even so called basic tasks like keeping house, doing the laundry, paying the bills, or maintaining relationships can feel like trying to summit Mount Everest without proper gear. So if we're all on a trek up Mount Everest, I want you to think about the neurotypical brain having the property gear for the climb, for the summit if you will. But understand that the ADHD brain does not have the same set of tools. Or they have the tools, but the tools are broken or rusty or just like we can't find them, we can't find them. They're in the fridge with my keys, right? We can't find the proper tools. So it makes the quote unquote easy things of life very, very, very, very, very, very hard. Okay? Executive function deficiencies are a key part of ADHD and they include task initiation, like getting started. Even on easy things. Do you notice your loved one struggling to initiate, struggling to get started, struggling to do the basic simple things that they promise to do? Yeah, that's an executive function deficiency. Emotional regulation, this is a big one. Getting really, really reactive and having emotional reactions that really don't fit the situation where you're just like what the heck, what are you doing? What's going on here? Working memory issues. So like forgetting everything all the time. Self awareness. This is a big reason why your neuro, your neurodivergent, your ADHD loved one makes the same mistakes over and over. I'm so sorry. It's not because they don't care. It's because they really struggle to self refle, have the self awareness to be able to look back on their behavior and make changes for the future. That's an actual executive function deficiency. And then a group that I like to call opp, organization, prioritization and planning, which is like a cluster skill that work against us in so many ways. How disorganized is your ADHD loved one? How much do they struggle to prioritize and do things in the proper order? And how is it when you try to plan something with them. Is it hard? Is it frustrating? Do they resist it? Yeah, that's because of these deficient executive functions. So I want you to understand that ADHD is a real diagnosis. And when someone that you love comes to you and they say, hey, I've been diagnosed with adhd, the only. The only acceptable response is, oh, wow, tell me more. It's not. Let's just list a couple unacceptable responses. You don't have adhd. You're just forgetful. We're all forgetful. You don't have adhd. Or other responses like ADHD isn't real. Or the eye roll. Everyone's diagnosed with ADHD these days. I do have several episodes like busting those types of myths. I'm not going to get into them here, but when someone you love comes to you and says, hey, I've been diagnosed with adhd, a great response is, oh, wow, wow. Tell me more. What does that mean for you? What's the plan? How can I help? How can I support? Oh my gosh, that's what we want so bad. Okay, Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adults. ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye. Bye.