← Impact Podcast, Mentorship with Eddie Wilson
Impact Podcast, Mentorship with Eddie Wilson
63 - Why Most Relationships Don’t Last | 5 Principles for Building Relationships That Endure
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Welcome to the Impact Podcast. I'm Eddie Wilson, here to help you visualize what others cannot see, create opportunities where others have failed, and push you to build empires where once there was empty space. Let's embark on this journey together and make a difference in this world. Welcome to the Impact Podcast with Eddie Wilson, My favorite time of the week. Thanks so much for joining me each and every week. I love this because I get the chance to teach on topics that I believe I'm good at, that I'm seasoned at, that I'm skilled at, but I also get to teach on topics that I feel like maybe I failed at in life. And I've studied and I've practically learned, and today that's what the topic is, is it's a subject that, if you ask me if I was the expert, I would say absolutely not. But sometimes when you lack expertise and you study and you study and you study and you build a framework, it becomes something that you can teach and sometimes are the best teacher at. This subject is sensitive, and I'm excited to teach it because I believe that I have a framework that works. Not a framework from success, but a framework from failure, a framework from a place where I feel like I've struggled. And so, in complete transparency, I would definitely say I'm not the expert at this. There are many other experts. However, I do have a framework that if I adhere to it, I can get to success, and I almost always have success. So today we're going to talk about building relationships that last. Building relationships that last. And I'm going to use a historical reference. You know, as always, I love the historicity of stories that give us the. Not only the practical insights, but also timeless treasures of just great content and practical principles that we can apply in our life. The historical figure we're going to look at today is John and Abigail Adams. John Adams, one of the first presidents of the United States, had a. An amazing relationship with his wife, Abigail. And it's probably one of the most studied relationships in history, mainly because over the time period of their 54 years together, they wrote over 1100 letters because John and Abigail were so distant from each other, but wrote over 1100 letters that then got published later in life. So you could almost see the intricate workings of their relationship. And most people think that strong relationships are built in these easy seasons where you get to know each other, you understand each other. It's this flirtatious, fun, you know, courting experience. And history tells us the exact opposite. One of the most enduring marriages in American History wasn't built in comfort. It was built in uncertainty, distance, sacrifice, war, political pressure, and time. John and Abigail Adams were married for 54 years. 54. That's a. That's a long time, right? 54 years is. Is a very long time to be married. But for much of the time that they were married, they were not actually together. They weren't physically together while America was being born. If you remember the stories of the Revolutionary War, John Adams is at the forefront of this when he is tied to the Boston kind of Sons of Liberty, and he's tied to this group of people and the Continental Congress and George Washington. But while America was being born, John was traveling constantly. Philadelphia, he was an ambassador to France and the Netherlands and England. He was helping shape a nation. While Abigail stayed behind managing the home, raising the children, overseeing finances, surviving crazy illnesses, and navigating war, wartime instability while she was managing the farm. It was very far from a fairy tale relationship. The pressure tested, their partnership, and so many of the letters, the pressure was immense. And what fascinates me, as I have read the letters, as I have studied this couple, is that the same principles that built their marriage are the same principles that build endearing business teams, lives, and personal relationships. These principles are universal because whether you're building a company, a movement, a marriage, or a legacy, eventually life stops rewarding intensity and starts rewarding endurance. And I want to say that one more time. Oftentimes life stops rewarding intensity. Over time, it stops rewarding that intensity and it starts rewarding endurance. And that's why today I want to talk to you about what it means to be built to last. Not emotionally reactive, not temporarily inspired with some flame of idea, not dependent on perfect conditions, but durable. And I think that John and Abigail left us five principles that are just as relevant today as they were in the founding of America. Principle number one. Let's jump in. Principle number one is they chose a partner, not just a person. Complementary strength over dependency. And this is so important when you think about your relationships. Whether it's a personal relationship, a marriage, a significant other, whether it's a business relationship, partnership. Does that partnership give you complementary strength or does it create dependency? One of the great myths of modern relationships is that compatibility means similarity. When I was doing a bunch of business coaching, we have a tool called the Predictive index. And Predictive index essentially measures people's predictive behavior over time, saying, if I know what you're currently capable of, then I can predict what you'll do tomorrow. And it's a Fantastic tool. I've put probably close to 20,000 potential employees through it and thousands of employees through it, and it's a fantastic tool. And one thing that I've noticed is that if you ever do a predictive index test on the strongest relationships that you know, I predictive indexed my parents. I've predictive indexed people that are in a deep, committed relationship. And what you will almost always find is that they are rarely similar in their drives, but always complementary. Rarely similar, Always complementary. The strongest partnerships are not built on sameness or similarities or common strengths. They're built on the ability to complement each other while not diminishing the strength that you have. John Adams, if you've ever watched any of the documentaries or read any of the books, he was fiery, he was emotional, he was idealistic, and he was often very, very, very insecure. He had. If you've listened to my podcast for a while, he was the one that when I talked about, he asked Mr. Ben Franklin, would you is it time to give violence a chance? Because Ben Franklin was a Quaker, and John Adams was always pushing for the fight. He was always pushing to fight back and fight for what was ours in America. And because he is fiery, he was emotional, he was idealistic. Think about this like this person who was just ready to go off at any time. Just fiery and excitable and passionate. Right. He could also be extremely stubborn and intense. Abigail, however, as you read her letters, is very emotionally intelligent. The way that she props him up and feeds his ego enough to get her point across, she's stabilizing, she's practical, and she is incredibly perceptive. She isn't just his wife, she's his advisor, she is his editor, she is his sounding board. She is. Is the person who keeps him grounded. And oftentimes, when you have two very, very different characteristics, one can drown each other out. And so you have to have equal parts of stability and recognition for what you bring to the table. At times, she was the emotional architecture holding the family together while he helped build the country. Now, if she also was the emotional architecture for the family, she was very much the emotional architecture for our country as well. Because John was such an integral part of not only building America, but the Declaration of Independence and so much of the Constitution and our founding principles and. And foundations, he was there and she kept him in line. That's a partnership. That is something that all of us should strive for. The strength in the areas that we lack the. And by the way, this applies so much further than just marriage. I think sometimes when you know, I'm speaking about this, I think oftentimes our mind goes to marriage or those deep seated interpersonal relationships, but it goes so much beyond that. It goes into business partnership. It goes into hierarchy. In business. In business, I've seen founders fail because they choose relationships based on comfort instead of capability. You're doing everyone a disservice when you allow someone to diminish your own capability by just adhering to the emotional baggage or, or lack of compliance that a partner brings or a, you know, let's just say not necessarily like a business partner, but it could be like if you're in a C suite, if you're in a C suite and, and everyone is carrying their weight except for one, and you allow it, it just diminishes the whole. These people surround themselves with mirrors instead of anchors, and everyone reacts in different ways, but leaves the ability for each other to bring strengths. That's what it means to choose a partner. Principle number two. And by the way, one thing that you could ask yourself is this. You could say, if I stand alone, am I successful? Yes or no? If I now stand with this person, does it become a stronger presence for success? That's a true partnership. Principle number two. Communication is the relationship. Consistency beats intensity. Oftentimes we communicate when there's problems or there's excitement or there's success. That's when we communicate the most. But communication is about consistency. One thing that I love about John and Abigail is that they wrote over 1100 letters to each other that are published. Think about that. No texting, no FaceTime, no instant communication. It was sitting in a foreign country, thinking about the other, writing and communicating thoughts. And sometimes months would pass before they would receive responses because literally they could be sitting continents apart. Honest communication always leads to trust. Honest communication always leads to trust. And if trust is the cinder blocks of a relationship, communication is the mortar that always keeps it together. Cinder blocks are strong, but they're only as strong as the mortar that holds the entire completeness of the wall or the foundation together. Sometimes months would pass and not, you know, not for the lack of trying, but for the lack of distance. They would communicate. And their relationship remained deeply connected because they practice intentional communication. And the most important part, which is consistency. Most relationships do not collapse because of one catastrophic moment. Sure, you can point back to the catastrophic moment where you decided to end the relationship or to walk away from the relationship, but it wasn't that catastrophic moment that created the failure in the relationship. It was a consistent erosion. It was a Lack of consistency. We stopped being emotionally available. And eventually the silence becomes distance. And one thing that I love about their letters was they weren't always this dramatic. You know, if you go back to that time frame or time period, so much of what you read is this, like, dramatic, flowery, beautiful, poetic language in their writing. You know, like read the Declaration of Independence, right? And it's like you. You feel like you're. You're reading this beautiful poem, right? And. And that isn't what their letters were. Oftentimes their letters were ordinary, basic updates, thoughts, slight concerns, observations. Like, this is what they were writing. They were not writing. It was almost like they were having their daily conversation, but on paper, with pen. Because communication isn't about performance. Anytime that in your communication to a partner, to a relationship you have, it becomes a performance. All you're doing is eroding the trust. Because it's not necessarily honest communication. Honest communication is transparency. Honest communication is a level set of true information that's passing one person to another. And a lot of people wait until relationships are in crisis to communicate deeply instead of getting into a rhythm of consistently setting boundaries, communicating intentionally, and being honest. Healthy relationships are maintained in the small moments long before the emergency arrives. Oftentimes, the emergency is just a step up from the consistency that's already been established as a leader. Silence always creates anxiety. You've heard me say so much as I've taught business, that where there is a lack or a gap of communication, negativity always fills in. Negativity always fills in. When we don't communicate with our teams, when we postpone communication, negativity fills in. When we say, hey, we want to have a meeting, and then we push that meeting back. What happens? They immediately think the worst. They don't think the best. Right? And that's very, very natural. And we do that in all relationships. But consistency creates trust. One thing that I love about Franklin Roosevelt during World War II was his consistent fireside chats. You had a man that was stuck in a wheelchair who is leading the nation whose health is failing, and what does he do? He gets on consistently, and he begins to talk to the nation in transparency. He told them the good, he told them the bad. He told them where we were succeeding and where we're failing. And it was that consistent communication that built trust. That consistency always creates trust. People don't need perfect communication. What we need is connection. And that connection comes with consistency. You can text somebody today in this modern world 50 times and 50 times a day and still never actually Know that person. So principle number two, Principle number three is great relationships should always expand you, not shrink you. You have to respect the separate self in every relationship. You should come to that relationship. Not 50, 50, but 100. 100. Each person giving 100%. And. And that's not just in the marital relationship. I'm talking about business relationships. I'm talking about friendships. Great relationships should expand you, not shrink you. What I want you to do is take emotional inventory right now of the five or six or eight closest people you have in your life. And I want you to ask yourself, does that relationship expand me? Does it excite me? Does it bring more out of me? Does it get something more from me, then shrink me? How many relationships do we allow in our life on a consistent basis that shrink us, that take us down, that take us back? We don't become our better selves. We could be. Become a lesser and less significant self. Abigail Adams, which I love, was extraordinary in her own right. If you would have separated Abigail from John, you would have found a very powerful and. And very extraordinary woman. And one of the reasons their marriage endured is because John respected her intellect and individuality. She was the exact opposite of who he was. She had a lot of different ideals. She had a lot of different opinions. And she was very strong in how she came at him and would oftentimes correct him. Now, think about someone who is fiery and intense and ready to go to war and. And ready to lead and ready to push, who is then rebuked and often asked to change whatever it was that he was doing. Usually that doesn't go well unless that person is very strong and the other person is complementary and very strong. She famously challenged him politically and philosophically in a very. She oftentimes would push him to make sure to always bring the rights of women to the table when he was writing legislation. And in many ways, she was very ahead of her time. In a time frame and a time period where men were. Were the strong ones, they were the voice, they were the face. Women were the background. They were the. They were the ones that took on all the responsibility but got very little of FaceTime or very little recognition. She stood out. And she was politically and philosophically motivated and challenged him on every level. When he was in opposition to her own belief. She oftentimes would urge him to remember the ladies while laws for the new nation were being written. And this wasn't a passive agreement. It was independent thought. She would consistently challenge him. And healthy relationships require space for individuality. We have to Be able to appreciate what each bring to the relationship. Real love celebrates expansion. It doesn't just make room for our own disposition. This relationship at every level should help you become more fully who you were designed to be. I believe that. And many of you've heard me talk so much about my faith. And I believe that so much of who we are is created by God. I believe in a Creator God, whether you do or not. I do, and I ascribe to that. And I believe in that. And I believe that so much of who I am was created and expected by a Creator God. I believe that I have a purpose on this earth. I believe that. I believe that you have a purpose on this earth. I believe that as you sit there in your car listening, or as you sit there in your office listening, or as you sit in the gym this morning working out listening, I believe that you have a purpose. And I believe that you are given tools by a Creator God to fulfill that purpose. Now why in the world would you ever allow a relationship to enter into your life that diminishes the very creation that you've been given by a creator God to fulfill a divine destiny on this planet? Think about how detrimental relationships are to the very thing that oftentimes God created you to be. I believe relationships should help you become more fully who you were designed, divinely designed to be. Not this relationship makes me feel insecure. It helps me or it makes me stay small. Anytime you're in a relationship that diminishes the very divine nature of who you are, it is very much a problem. Principle number four, and I'll move through the last two very quickly. Principle number four. I believe that they stayed through the seasons. It was never up for a question as to whether or not they were going to be together. Commitment is showing up anyway. Commitment is showing up even when you're disappointed. Commitment is showing up even when there's a disagreement. The Addams Family endured massive loss. Illness, uncertainty, political attacks, financial pressure, distance. He was. There was times where he was gone from her for years at a time. And also war. And yet they remained committed. Not because every season felt good, but because commitment is is tested precisely when feelings fluctuate. I want you to hear that again. They weren't together because it felt good. It wasn't because they were just emotionally charged and they wanted to be together for 54 years. It was because commitment is tested precisely when feelings fluctuate or they're non existent. Modern culture treats commitment as conditional. Commitment is never conditional. Commitment is commitment. Commitment is Never conditional. It's not as long as I feel fulfilled or if it stays easy or if the season remains exciting or passionate or something that I desire. Nothing meaningful is built without enduring difficult seasons. Everything I have in life that I ascribe value to came from a level of difficulty or hard work. Not marriages, not business, not families, not legacy. Nothing is built insignificance without some level of hardship. And one of the dangers of modern life is that we've become addicted to emotional immediacy. I want you to hear that. That's a term I want to consistently talk about. It's a podcast I'm working on for the upcoming weeks. And is this thought of emotional immediacy? I have to have it now or else it doesn't matter and I'm going to push everything else away. Emotional immediacy is something that is so dangerous and is so part of our human experience today that it actually robs us of everything meaningful. We want quick results, quick healing, quick success, quick fat loss, quick business success, quick, quick money, right? Like all of it, quick certainty. But endurance creates depth. Anytime that I've received something quickly, it rarely creates depth and it rarely creates an understanding of things. Value. You know, think about it as you've purchased your children things. Anytime they've had to work for something, how much more they cherish it versus when, when they just get it. And they've never had to work for it, they've never had to wait on it, and then they very rarely value it. Endurance creates depth. And so much the more. When it comes to relationships, some of the strongest people I know are not the most talented. They're the people that kept showing up time after time after time, even through disappointment. The people who remain steady in life when life became heavy. My parents, as I watched them endure the loss of my brother and my sister, right, they. They consistently showed that pattern of gratitude and endurance. And principle number five, build the friendship first. One thing that I love about what I love about John and Abigail was there was a friendship. One of the key phrases you'll read every time you you read the letters is this. To my dearest friend. My dearest friend. Dearest friend is constantly referenced between the two of them. John Adams referred to Abigail as his dearest friend, not merely his wife, his friend. And I think this is one of the most overlooked truths in lasting relationships is that over time, attraction changes, right? Attraction will change over time. Our emotions wane, our roles will change, our roles will differ. But our friendship creates resilience. There should be a deeper Level of connection. Not just, you know. And I know that there's an old adage of, you know, in the corporate workplace, we should be very careful to keep our business. Our business and our friendships. Our friendships. And I can't disagree more because I think when relationships are done right, there should be deep connection between those who are willing to get in the trenches with you. Whether it's a marriage or a significant other or it's a business relationship, there should be a commonality and a friendship and a true enjoyment and connection with each other. Friendship is what remains when performance disappears. And I think friendship actually matters. In closing, I want to say this. When I study people like John and Abigail Adams, I don't just see history. Yes, it's history. Yes, it's amazing at the time that they're living and the things that are going through. But what I see is a blueprint. I see this blueprint for life and relationships that I want to mimic. I want to have more of a reminder that the things built to last are rarely built quickly. They're built intentionally. One conversation at a time, one difficult season at a time, one act of consistency at a time. We live in a culture obsessed with acceleration, with quick returns, with emotional immediacy. But endurance is still the ultimate advantage when you're building a marriage, a company, a family, a legacy. The goal merely isn't to start strong. The goal is to remain strong after life actually tests the structure. That's what it's all about. And maybe that's the real definition of success. Not what survives the spotlight, but what survives the seasons. Because the things that truly matter are built to last. Five principles and frameworks for relationships. This is an area that I failed so much in my life, but something that I am studying and constantly putting into practice. If you look at my life over the last four or five years, and you can look at it in the macro, what you will see is me consistently trying to anchor into these five principles. Because I believe that at the end of my life, it's not going to be just the. Did Eddie make impact in the world with impact others? And orphanages and feeding centers? Did Eddie build companies? Did Eddie sell companies? Did Eddie build something of substance? I believe it's going to be the people and the relationships that we're enduring, the people and the relationships that allowed me to have the success that ultimately matter in life. And I hope at the end of my life, we all sit around and we enjoy conversations of how we've built, how we've lost, how we've succeeded, how we've failed, but ultimately how we stayed. Connection connected through relationships in my life. To me, that's what building a life built to last really means. Thanks so much for being a part of the podcast and for listening today. Love to connect with you further. And you can connect with me on social media at Eddie Wilson official on any of the social media channels.