Unknown Speaker (0:01)

You know, when it comes to having faith, I wish I could say that I'm on fire for God. Like majority of the time, that my belief is unwavering, that I wake up every single morning filled with certainty, that I hear and feel God in every step of my day. Ooh, sounds nice. But the truth is, more often than not, I be wrestling with bro. I'm in the ring, I'm in the burning bush. I'm caught in a headlock trying to squeeze out another question, trying to get another jab in wrestling for, you know, a little bit of clarity, some kind of accountability from the guy upstairs, though deep down, I know that he is within. You know, I wrestle with the imbalances of this world, the extremes, you know, on one end, people walking around with more wealth than they could ever spend. Like, how are there people on this planet with like 200, $300 billion? That is wild. The brain can't even fathom it. Then on the other hand, people sleeping outside in the cold, hungry, forgotten. You know, sometimes I complain that my, my home is cold in the wintertime, that I pay so much for rent, yet the walls are so thin. Then I remember, man, there's people outside with no walls at all. How is this real? And I already know the answer that most would give. That's not God's fault, man. That's human beings fault. Humanity is flawed. We broke the covenant in the garden and we've been stumbling ever since. And listen, maybe there's a little bit of truth to that, but still, I still question, if we were made in God's image, why are we so bad at managing what we have been given? You know, the funny part is I ask God questions I already kind of know the answers to. You know, like a kid in the backseat of a car asking, are we there yet? Are we there yet? Knowing damn well we just left and we ain't there yet. That's me and God, you know. But I wrestle. I wrestle with God, you understand? And I wonder, if creation was designed with like, such precision, why do we move through it with so much disorder? Because abundance does exist. I've seen it. I've felt it. I've experienced it deeply. You know, one of my favorite things to do is take road trips. I love them. The open road, the silence, the expansion. Oh my God, it's perfect for me. When I'm driving, I reach so much clarity. I'm in awe. One of my favorite drives is the west coast of North America. I highly recommend it, whether you're starting in Canada Driving all the way down to California, or beginning in California, making your way up through Oregon into Canada. Absolutely breathtaking. Like, the views are immaculate. The kind of beauty that reminds you how small you are and how much you haven't seen, but yet how connected you are to everything and how expansive this world is. You know, this 2024. I also drove down to Sedona from Canada, you know, passing through Washington, Utah, Arizona. Seeing landscapes that didn't even seem real to me. I drove to the Grand Canyon and just let my feet hang off of that. I saw purple colored hills, you know, lakes, man, mountains, forests. Empty roads that stretch, stretch forever. Beautiful, leading to nothing and everything at the same time. I drove for 27 hours straight. No sleep. Not because I had to, but because the drive itself was that fulfilling. Like, I didn't want to. I didn't want to get a hotel and stop. I'm like, nah, I'm having a good time. But while I was driving, I kept thinking, man, the world is big. Bigger than we act like it is. I saw so much vast land. I'm like, there is enough land on this planet for every single person to have their own space, their own home, grow their own food. Yet we all stacked up in these cities. Tight routines that don't nourish us. Neighborhoods are designed in a way that don't promote much communion at all, but often division. And I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's easier. Maybe we've been taught that's the way and it's just supposed to go that way. But when I look at nature and look how God designed it, man, the abundance is clear. Take a mango. Inside that mango is a seed, and within that seed is a whole mango tree. That little tiny seed is a whole mango tree. You plant that seed, and if it grows, it becomes a tree. And that tree doesn't just produce one more mango. It gets hundreds, year after year. So one seed ends up containing thousands of mangoes. A cycle of endless nourishment. Pure giving. That's how God designed it. That one little seed could expand and nourish a whole village for ages and then continue to do so. But, you know, we live on a planet where, you know, human beings, we hoard, we desire, we create waste, we take more than we need, and then wonder why some go without. So when I wrestle with God, I realize it's not him I'm wrestling with, it's ourselves. Each, each of us should be wrestling with our own hearts, because the human heart is very interesting. It's boundless Its ability to create and heal is as strong as its ability to manipulate and destroy. You have to be able to look into yourself and notice the light and the darkness. Right? If you are unaware of what you are capable of, good and bad, you may be in for an unfortunate surprise one day. You know, a lot of times we ask, why does war exist, why people harm each other, why there is so much violence in the world. But we think the problem is war itself, that if we just got rid of weapons, war would disappear. But it's not that war itself is the problem. It's what's inside of us. What causes a person to attack another person, to rob, to kill, to steal, to seek revenge. Peace doesn't start in the world. Peace starts in the individuals. Peace starts within. And someone at peace does not need to seek revenge because they have already gone to war, war with themselves, and they have already fought the battle and made a choice. You know, Gandhi said, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. And I believe he was right. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. Those who have gone to war with themselves understand the cycle of hate, of revenge, and where that goes. So they are able to turn their head the other way to preserve their peace and be peace, be light in the world. You understand? Every single one of us is a lamp, and we need to learn how to shine so bright. You know, I think it was funny how during the Drake and Kendrick beef, like, Kendrick made it cool to hate. Like, don't get me wrong, I love the whole beef. Everything was immaculate. It was. It was fun and everything like that. But I remember people tweeting, I love how much of a hater Kendrick is. It's inspiring me to hate more. And I was like, just sitting there, y' all sound like idiots. Sorry if that was you. But that really just revealed how much hate people have that they're holding on to. And they secretly have been holding on to it, and now they feel like it's socially acceptable that, hey, I legit was on substack and like, a big ass thread. They're like, ah, man, I've been waiting to bring out my inner hater. I've been waiting to hate on so many people. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, y' all ain't getting the message. So not cool. That just revealed how much they are holding within themselves. They haven't gone to war with themselves. You know, I've been around very revengeful people. That's scary. Have you. Have you ever been around someone that's so revengeful. Maybe you've been on the receiving end of that someone coming after you. Maybe they physically attacked you, verbally lied, whatever it may be. And then you. Maybe you break up with someone, but instead of processing their emotions, they just decide, you hurt me, so now I have to hurt you. You know, that happens. Some people who haven't gone to war with themselves, they cannot discern from. I am hurt because this person is leaving me versus I'm hurt because you hurt me. Now I must hurt you. And then they go on the offense and start attacking again. I've seen it many times in life, seen it in Friends. I've seen other situations and I've experienced it myself, where people attack you, maybe physically, verbally lie, manipulate, twist. Instead of crafting that peace, many will just project that war they feel inside themselves onto everybody else. They will wrestle with the world before they ever wrestle with themselves, blaming everybody else but themselves. And we do that with God as well. You know, I'll be like, yo, why you leave us on this planet? Just to figure it out? Sometimes I wake up on a random Thursday, tripping out that I'm even on Earth. I'm like, yo, what is. When I was a kid, I would literally, like, look to the stars, and I would just feel like the stars was, like, home for me. I remember I'd be like, why am I here? Can I go home? I would. I was just a weird kid like that. And I still, to this day, I wake up and be like, yo, what am I doing here on this planet? Like, what is this? What is this existence? Like, we all just. We all just figuring this out, right? Like, we just. On this floating rock, like, what's going on? I'm just existing in a body, passing strangers, knowing that every single one of them has their own thoughts, dreams and heartbreaks. Billions of people, and God created all of us. That means God has a relationship with all of us. That's wild, man. I wrestle with that. I wrestle with God, y', all, but it's okay. I think it's beautiful to wrestle with God. I wrestle with God on the concept of hell. I don't believe in it. I tried to be religious, but I couldn't accept the idea that the majority of people would go to hell over a theological mistake or simply because they were born in a different country, raised in a different faith. When I was in Japan, I thought about this a lot because by the logic of a couple religions, 95% of the people in Japan would end up in hell because they don't follow those religions. They have their own thing going on over there. When I was in Japan, I'm looking around, I'm like, nah, that can't be real. All these people wouldn't make it. Nah, that can't be real. I don't even want to be in heaven if Japan ain't there. I love the Japanese. You see, this is why I wrestle. Because wrestling with God allows me to see myself, to check my heart, to strengthen it when it's fragile, to lift it when it's low, to have compassion for others. I remember one time I thought about the idea of hell and I asked myself, I'm like, let's say you go to heaven, and then like, I don't know, 40 years later or something, your daughter passes. And you know you're waiting at the pearly gates. Because that's what I would imagine. I'd be in heaven, just waiting at the pearly gates for my daughter. I love my daughter. Unless she comes up to the pearly gates and the receptionist is there, and then receptionist tells her, no. And I'll be like, what? Why? Receptionist was like, nope, she didn't believe in the correct denomination of the correct religion. And they just hit a switch and she just dropped down wherever they go. I'm like, would I stay in. Would I stay in heaven? No. I would deep dive into the pits of hell myself. Backflip right into them flames. I'm like, how? How could I. How could I chill in heaven without my daughter? Impossible. I wrestle with God, yo. I wrestle with God because to me, faith isn't always forward. Sometimes you go backwards. Sometimes it falls apart. Sometimes it's on fire. It's a journey. Just like the relationship with ourself is a journey, isn't it? Sometimes you love yourself. Sometimes you're confident. Sometimes you look in the mirror and you're like, ugh. Then other days, you look in the mirror and you can't even stand yourself. Other days you have no confidence. Other days you don't even believe in yourself. And it's interesting. It's normally those seasons coincide how your relationship with God is too. Man, when I'm in deep love with myself, I'm in deep love with God, man. When I'm not really feeling myself, I'm not really feeling God either. It's interesting, huh? Right? Maybe he really is within. But it's a journey. It's a personal one. And I think God appreciates the wrestle because it shows that you're seeking, that you'd rather drink the divine wine than be drunk on all the distractions this world has to offer or silly answers that, you know there's something more than this. But you're okay with not always having the answers? You know, I'm cool with that, but I'm just a curious soul, so I like to know, but God be laughing at me. God got his oolong tea just laughing at me. I talked about this last week in the Spiritual Blindness Podcast, how people treat God like a vending machine. And it just pisses me off, you know, insert a prayer and expect a reward. And I get it, you know, like, when life is hard, I pray harder. And I hate to admit that, because when things are good, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I can go days without thinking about God. But the second things go sideways, I'm like, yo, big bro, need your help. You know, I even went through an atheist phase once. And honestly, I liked it. It gave me some comfort. No expectations, no mystery to solve. But at the same time, something felt missing. It was like drinking water with no minerals or like, it kept me alive, but there was, like, a level of nourishment that was missing. No. Yeah, but I understand atheists. You know, some people villainize them. But I get it. There's a kind of peace in it, not having to wrestle with God, not asking the question, why? You know, some people, they're a little bit too cuckoo if they get, like, religious trauma and, like, spiritual psychosis and stuff like that. Like, some people be a little bit too off in the stars and skies. But at the same time, I also know the peace that comes from sitting in the unknown and accepting that there's something greater than me, even if I can't define it. You know, a beautiful, divine ally. And I know that's a part of it, not having all the answers, but make peace with the fact that we never truly will. But truth is, I'm never going to stop wrestling. I'm never going to stop asking questions, because that's just who I am. God made me to be like that. Because there's one thing I realized in my wrestling, is that faith isn't about certainty. It's about trust. And trust isn't blind. It's built. I've had moments in my life where I felt the presence of something divine. So divine. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Like the first hundred episodes of this podcast I got, something was just flowing right through me. But there's many times in my life where I just felt so protected and guided, like when I should have Gone, left. But something in my spirit told me to go right. And that decision changed everything. Or when I was at my lowest, convinced I had nothing left, and somehow I found the strength to keep on going. And I felt a power just emerge within me. You know, I felt like that when I went celibate. I went celibate. I quit drinking, I quit smoking, and I changed how I eat all in one go. And you would think something like that would be hard, but it wasn't. I just did it. I just did it. I just. Out of nowhere, I had the power to do it. I just did it. It was weird. Sometimes I had to. Sometimes I'm like, man, maybe I really was just being assisted. It's kind of beautiful. But it's in those moments that make me believe that, you know, God is real. Even when my mind wants to debate it. Or, to be honest, I was opening up a. A yellow dragon fruit yesterday, and, man, it was so good. It was so sweet. And I was looking at it inside, I'm like, this is like space fruit. This is so cool. This. I'm like, man, the fact that this tastes so good and it's so healthy for me. And I'm like, this is a beautiful design. I'm like, oh, my God. The top creator is an intelligent designer as well. I know, bro got a sense of humor. Because he'd be laughing. I'd be just like. I'll be honest to me, I'm like, eating. Anytime I eat fruit, I'm like, yo, God be snapping. God is snapping. This thing is a little bit too sweet right now. God is snapping. But I'm still gonna wrestle. I'm still going to wrestle, because deep down I know obviously God can handle my questions. My wrestling bro puts me in a little headlock and has a little giggle with me. Faith that isn't tested to me isn't really real faith anyways. It's just belief without depth. And I don't want shallow faith. I don't want a faith that only works when life is easy, when my prayers are answered, when everything is going my way. I want a faith that stands, even when I don't understand, even when I'm frustrated, even when I feel abandoned, even when the world makes no sense. Like the world makes no sense right now. And if wrestling is a part of that process, then so be it. Let me wrestle. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather wrestle with God than walk through this life pretending I don't care. I rather seek answers and be okay with not finding them all than pretend I already have everything figured out because I don't. None of us do. Some claim that they do, but you don't. I'm sorry, you don't. And I think that's the beauty of faith. It's not about reaching a final destination because we know the destination is in every step. I know God is in every breath. It's about walking, it's about seeking, it's about wrestling. It's okay to wrestle with the most high, to question, to doubt and then to come back around. It's about choosing to believe in something greater than ourselves but also choosing to believe in ourselves. To me, believing in God is a self love journey. That's the kind of faith I want. Not perfect faith, not even an easy faith but a faith that lives. That lives, you understand? That evolves, that expands. That's the type of faith that I'm building. And you done know in hindsight every ting gonna be alright. It's okay to wrestle, it's okay to question. Just know regardless you are being guided.