EP 112: Boundaries, Discernment & the Holy Spirit: Loving Without Losing Wisdom

Summary

In Totality with Megan Ashley

EP 112: Boundaries, Discernment & the Holy Spirit: Loving Without Losing Wisdom

Date: April 21, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Megan Ashley and her team (Jay, Jordan, Nicole, Lindsay) dive deep into the dynamics of Christian relationships—marriage, dating, friendship, boundaries, and discernment—with a special emphasis on how wisdom and the guidance of the Holy Spirit intersect with love in practical, everyday life. The episode is shaped around a series of candid, unscripted questions submitted by listeners and team members, allowing for organic, vulnerable conversation about faithfulness, obedience, and relational challenges Christians commonly face.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Enduring Hardship & Submission in Marriage

Timestamps: 04:21–14:59

• Megan’s Reflection on Marriage:
  Drawing from 13 years of marriage, Megan reflects on how relationships change over time and require commitment through seasons of joy and hardship.
• Marriage as Sanctification:
  “Marriage is sanctification…You are literally walking to an altar—what happens at altars? Things come to die. You are dying to yourself, just in the same way as when you come to the Lord." (Megan, 05:45)
• Biblical Submission and Duty:
  Referencing Ephesians, Colossians, and 1 Peter 3, Megan emphasizes that a spouse should submit first to God, then to their spouse, allowing their reverence to speak louder than words (09:35).
• Practical Steps:
  • Get premarital counseling
  • Cultivate community and seek wise counsel
  • Uphold prayer and intercession
  • Recognize that marriage won't always feel delightful, but “sometimes duty comes before delight.”
• Notable Quote:
  “Get up under a couple that’s been married 20-something years... Talk to an older saint in the church…get some wisdom from them.” (Megan, 11:00)

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2. Christian Dating: Wisdom, Friendship, and Pace

Timestamps: 15:00–21:32

• Platonic Foundations:
  Jay and Megan highlight that in Christ, attraction shouldn’t be the only foundation—establishing friendship is key.
  • “A big foundation to a successful marriage is friendship…before anything, I care about this person; I love this person; I know this person.” (Megan, 16:03)
• Letting God Set the Pace:
  • “Allow the Lord to set the pace…help me have self-control to not allow my emotions to set the pace.” (Megan, 19:01)
  • Don’t rush to label someone as a spouse—take time to know them.
• Praying for Discernment:
  • “Instead of praying ‘let this be the one,’ pray, if he ain’t the one...move him, skedaddle. End it swiftly.” (Megan, 21:26; Jay echoes: “That’s a powerful prayer…” 21:30)
• Notable Insight:
  Jay: “In Christ, you get a new perspective on singleness—it’s actually a blessing.” (18:59)

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3. Asking the Hard Questions and Exercising Discernment

Timestamps: 21:32–31:38

• Hard, Intentional Conversations:
  • Encourage asking critical questions early (about kids, money, family relationships) rather than waiting for emotions to deepen and cloud discernment (24:00).
• Wisdom in Choice:
  • Megan: “He’s also given us free will…and like where he says, ‘freely you may eat, just don’t eat that tree.’ It’s having the freedom to make decisions, but do it with wisdom.” (29:41)
• Relax and Trust God:
  • “Dating in Christ is so different than the world…Just relax. Let [God] set the stage.” (Megan, 31:31)
• Singleness as Wholeness:
  • “Stop waiting for a spouse to complete you…a spouse doesn’t complete you, they add to you.” (Megan, 31:48)

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4. Discerning the Role of People in Your Life

Timestamps: 34:14–38:51

• Relaxed Discernment:
  Not every relationship requires immediate definition or anxiety. “Relax, pray through it…God’s not about to set you up to fail.” (Megan, 34:26)
• Categories of Friendship:
  Referencing Dr. Sarita, Megan introduces “meals, ministry, misery” as categories for relational boundaries (36:52).
• Placing People Wisely:
  Learn that not everyone is meant for deep intimacy—“Every person doesn’t have to be your best friend.” (Megan, 37:20)

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5. Selfishness Disguised as Love & Relational Overflow

Timestamps: 38:51–44:31

• Loving from Overflow:
  “If you have allowed the Lord’s love to really be poured into your heart, that’s evident in the way you treat people…Everything comes from overflow.” (Megan, 39:07)
• Relational Inventory:
  “If my relationships are off, check my intimacy with the Lord.” (Megan, 42:29)
• Notable Moment:
  Jay: “Sometimes in those moments where it’s tough for us to give grace, it’s because we forget all that we’ve been forgiven of.” (42:29)

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6. Healthy Boundaries vs. Self-Preservation

Timestamps: 44:31–47:46

• Allow God to Set Boundaries:
  Megan insists, “Pray and ask, Lord, you set the boundaries for me. Not just out of my own traumas or self-preservation.” (45:09)
• Managing Expectations:
  Jay emphasizes, “Sometimes the expectation we have of how someone should respond to our love is the cause of our hurt.” (47:08)
• Guarding Your Heart:
  “Guard your heart with all diligence… but don’t let it become a stone wall. Maybe God wants a fence, not a fortress.” (Megan, 48:00)

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7. Hearing the Holy Spirit Practically

Timestamps: 49:02–57:37

• Responding to the Nudge:
  “Respond to the nudge and take inventory of the outcome… as you keep responding, you’ll know His voice more.” (Megan, 50:03)
• The Holy Spirit’s Voice:
  • “Sometimes for me, that's a good indicator…if the Lord is like, I want you to have that conversation, or go and apologize, or confess…It requires His strength and humility that I don’t have.” (Megan, 51:51)
  • Jay: “If I don’t do what I feel, I won’t have peace about it…That nudge will come back.” (53:05)
• Confirmation and Conviction:
  The Holy Spirit brings confirmation through circumstances, people, and persistent conviction (56:17, 56:49).
• Obedience & Surrender:
  “Ultimately, whatever He’s requiring you to do, it draws you closer to Him, which is what we want as Christians.” (Megan, 57:37)

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8. Relationships as Possible Idols & Taking Inventory

Timestamps: 59:49–61:06

• Idolizing Relationships or Singleness:
  The team discusses how any relationship status—marriage, friendship, or singleness—can become an idol if it supersedes intimacy with God (59:49).
  • “There’s a fine line between having community and idolizing community—and the Lord isn’t my ultimate community.” (Lindsay, 61:06)
• Identity in Christ:
  The episode closes by urging listeners to interrogate their own hearts and motives: “Lord, expose my heart and my actual motives…Am I trusting that You have what’s good for me?” (Megan, 61:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Marriage:
  “You are dying to yourself. And binding yourself to a person and saying that I am literally going to put me aside and think of you ahead of me.” (Megan, 05:45)
• On Discerning Relationships:
  “Just let the Lord be your shepherd...He will help you and lead you.” (Megan, 38:00)
• On Boundaries:
  “Don’t let your boundary-setting be trauma-driven. Ask God to set them for you.” (Megan, 45:09)
• On Hearing the Holy Spirit:
  “Respond to the nudge and take inventory of the outcome…the more you obey, the quicker you obey, the more that you respond, the faster you’ll respond the next time.” (Megan, 50:03; 51:51)
• On Relationships and Idolatry:
  “Whether it’s dating or friendship or even singleness…any of that can be an idol. Am I trusting that You have what’s good for me?” (Megan & Lindsay, 60:00–61:06)

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Action Steps and Journal Prompts

• Inventory:
  • Take inventory of your relationships, your heart, and your intimacy with the Lord.
  • Ask: Am I content in my relationship status? What’s driving my relational needs?
  • In this season, what is the Lord asking you to surrender? (59:44)

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Final Thoughts

This episode provides candid, compassionate guidance for navigating relationships as a Christian—whether single, dating, or married. The recurring theme is surrender: yielding boundaries, expectations, and even relationship status to the Lord, trusting His wisdom and timing. The team’s authentic stories and scriptural references anchor the discussion, making it both practical and spiritually grounded.

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For further engagement:

• Consider joining the In Totality community for deeper conversation, Bible study, and support.
• “Take inventory”—as Megan and Jay conclude, reflect on your own relational motives, boundaries, and openness to God’s timing and voice. (59:44–61:06)

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[All advertisements and non-content sections were omitted.]

Transcript

[Megan Ashley]

Hi, Tora Couture here. I'm the host of Tell Me what Happened, a podcast that shares true stories of people helping people. We have a ton of amazing new episodes, including one of my favorite stories we've ever done. Listen to season six of Tell Me what Happened.

[Mackenzie]

My name is Mackenzie and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a nonverbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills. So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis, and we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was Strugg.

[Megan Ashley]

GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe. What's up, family? Before we jump into today's episode, I want to share something close to my heart. Our In Totality Patreon community, the Village. If you ever listen to the podcast and you thought, wow, I really wish there was more, this is exactly why I created this space. You'll receive early access to every episode, so while others are hearing it for the first time, you'll already be watching it and soaking it in. But it's not just that. You'll also get access to the In Totality Docu series, which is like my vlog, which shows what I do when I'm not on the podcast. And that's not it. You'll also be the first to know about merch drops, events and opportunities to connect in real life. One of my favorite parts is our Bible study and book clubs where we're walking through scripture together and encouraging one another in the faith. On Patreon, we are building a community that truly desires a relationship with the Lord, pursues truth, and supports one another, and I would love for you to be a part of that. So if you want more, come join the Village on Patreon. The link is in the description and I can't wait to see you there.

[Lindsay]

The first question is how to endure in a marriage when it gets hard and how to remain Obedient and submit to your husband's leadership when you don't know if you trust it at the moment.

[Megan Ashley]

Most people know that I was married for 13 years. There's nobody that probably has the potential of hurting you more than the person that you're married to. Marriage is sanctification. I'm gonna put your needs above mine. I'm gonna love you, I'm gonna honor you. I'm gonna support you and respect you in spite of how I feel. Guys have a hard time dating in Christ.

[Jay]

I guess it depends on, like, how far gone you were before Christ.

[Megan Ashley]

Jesus. The second that you have an interaction with the opposite sex, you are immediately, is this my spouse? Let me just get to know you as a person. Cuz I don't want to waste my time right now. I don't want to waste somebody else's time. So if it's not the right person, then just move it out the way.

[Jay]

And that's a powerful prayer that he is good to answer.

[Megan Ashley]

Hello. Please skid. That a spouse doesn't complete you, they add to you. Just be faithful to God, man. Foreign. What's up, you guys? Welcome back to another episode of in totality. My name is Megan Ashley. I'm your host and I'm here with my amazing team. Jay, Jordan and Nicole are with us. So this episode is going to be a little different because I told the team to just ask me random questions. We're going to just ask random questions and we're going to see what happens. Yay. It's going to be so fun. I have no idea what they're going to ask me. I have a semi of a clue, but I actually don't know what they're gonna ask me. So we're going to just dive right in to the questions. I don't know if I should be nervous or what, but they seem to think that I have wisdom to give and so hopefully the Lord helps me. All right.

[Lindsay]

Yes. So the first question is from a village member shout out to Lindsay. The first question is how to endure in a marriage when it gets hard and how to remain obedient and submit to your husband's leadership when you don't know if at the moment.

[Megan Ashley]

For those of you, a lot of you should know by this point, most people know that I was married for 13 years. I am no longer married anymore. But I do feel like when you've endured certain things and you come out of certain seasons, you're able to look back and see some of the ways in which you would do things differently. Ways in which you've lacked wisdom, ways in which you lack discernment, ways in which you lacked faith and faithfulness. And so when it comes to marriage, I don't really talk a lot about relationships like that, just because I've had such a hard time in relationships. And I have shied away from sharing a whole lot because it's like, well, yeah, you're not married anymore, so you don't really have the right to say a whole lot. But I have been married and was married a significant amount of time, and I. I do think I've learned a lot from the areas in which I made mistakes in my marriage and the ways we both made mistakes in our marriage. So when it comes to. What was it enduring when it gets

[Lindsay]

hard and remaining obedience and submitting to your husband's leadership.

[Megan Ashley]

So I think. I mean, and Jordan, you can. I don't. I don't know the addresses to all of this, but I know that scripture. We have scripture in Titus, we have scriptures in Ephesians, we have Ephesians 5. Like, we have Ephesians, Colossians. We have so many scriptures where the Bible is giving men and women instructions when it comes to marriage, right? We have tons of scriptures when it comes to that. I think one thing that you have to understand, like, for me, I always tell people, like, when you get married to a person, right, the day that you stand at that altar, just know that you are not going to be married to that person in the exact state that they are forever. Like, because people change, right? And so who you're marrying, you're marrying the possibilities of that person. So you think about all their good qualities and even think about their bad qualities and think through all those possibilities, and that's what you're marrying. Like, you're. Just. Because people change. You know what I'm saying? And the more. The closer you are to somebody, the more that you're gonna see them, the good and the bad. There's nobody that probably has the potential of hurting you more than the person that you're married to, because they're the closest person to you. So you put them in a position because they are in a position of extreme importance and priority. And so they have the ability to kind of hurt you more. We talked about this just in relationships and community in general. It's like, the more that there is love there, the greater the potential for the hurt to be there, right? And so I think you have to just understand that, like, marriage is sanctification. You are literally walking to an altar, what happens at altars, Things come to die. You are dying to yourself, just in the same way as when you come to the Lord, you die to yourself. You become a living sacrifice, right? You die to yourself. And the same thing happens in marriage. You're dying to yourself. And binding yourself to a person and saying that I am literally going to put me aside and think of you ahead of me. That's this. The partnership that we're doing here is that I'm going to put your needs above mine. I'm going to love you, I'm going to honor you, I'm going to support you and respect you. In spite of how I feel. I think you have to know that, like, it's hard. Marriage is hard work. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't mean that it doesn't have joys and all types of stuff, because it does. Marriage is beautiful. I think marriage is beautiful. And I think it can be so exciting and so fun and so miraculous and all the things. But it's also hard because you're dying to yourself. It is a act of sanctification. That person is going to be pulling things out of you, exposing things in you, and you're going to be doing the same thing in them. And you have to learn how to endure that. You have to learn how to love somebody in spite of how you feel, right? This agape love that you're supposed to have in marriage is. It can't be contingent upon how that person is making you feel or how that woman is, whatever stroking your ego or how that man is coddling every feeling that you have. You know, it's just hard work. And so you endure by being committed to what scripture tells you to do as a wife. You know, you, you. You submit, you love you, honor you, respect you, you, you pray and intercede the things that you're supposed to in household duties. Like, I just believe that that's what you should do as a wife. And in the areas in which maybe, you know, ultimately you're submitting yourself to the Lord and then you submit yourself to your husband. And if your husband isn't submitting himself to the Lord, then you continue to submit yourself to the Lord and still honor and respect your husband. But there's a scripture that talks about, like a soft answer of a wife can. What's that scripture?

[Lindsay]

It's like, that's at 1st Peter 3.

[Megan Ashley]

1st Peter 3. In the same way, wives submit yourselves to your own husband so that even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives. So I think that, that like, if you have a husband and you're like, man, I'm not really trusting in the ways that he submitted to the Lord. You remain submitted to the Lord. Right? And live that out. Live it out. Be reverent and submissive in all the things and allow the Lord to do the work in his heart. You know what I'm saying? But you just being a witness of what the Lord is doing in you, you're not always gonna win with words. You know what I'm saying? You're not always gonna win them over that way, but you can win them over by just being and doing what God has called you to do. Jordan, we've been talking about this, but I'm really big on like, duty is like sometimes. I don't know. This whole Queen Charlotte thing really got me. Okay, Queen Charlotte, that movie really, that, that series really got me because there was an initial love that she had with King George, right? Like when they initially met each other, she didn't. They. It was arranged marriage. They didn't want to do it. But then when they met each other, there was like this spark there and that they, I think they knew that there was like an immediate knitting of their hearts together in that moment. And then things radically change. And then like, you know, George is like acting crazy and literally like he's, he's actually not well. But it didn't change her position as the queen. It didn't change her position as his wife. And so she, her friend comes to her and she's like, look, regardless if you like him or not, I need you to do your duty because your duty ultimately isn't just about you. And so I think sometimes in marriage it's like that. It's like sometimes duty comes before delight. It may not be delightful all the time, but that doesn't mean that you, because of feelings that you don't do what the word requires you to do as a wife. Now I say that and prayerfully. I pray that you hear that with mature ears. I'm not ever saying that you should be abused, treated incorrectly, none of that. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that oftentimes in marriage, it's not going to be easy every single day. You're not going to agree on every single thing. There's a lot of pre work you need to do before you get married. You need to know the person that you're marrying, right? Like, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe you're in a relationship with, you know, your husband is a faithful man and faithful to the Lord and, and that's all you've known him to be up until getting married. That's all, you know, even in the beginning part of your marriage, that's all he's been. And maybe just he's going through it right now, but you know him to be a faithful man. So maybe give him grace in this time while he's figuring out and why the Lord is kind of changing his heart. And just be faithful to do what God has called you to do and pray and intercede on his behalf and pray that the Lord turns his heart and makes the changes that are necessary so that he can lead your family in a way that's honoring to the Lord. I think this is why you need premarital counsel. This is why you need community. He needs a community. You need a community. Y' all need a community. You need a church, right? You need elders. You need people in your life to help you. I don't think you can do marriage. Just like you can't do Christianity alone, you can't do marriage alone. And so get some wise counsel involved, you know what I mean? Go to therapy, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think it's a, do this and it's a one size fits all. I think that you need to do and implement all the means in which God has given us in his word. Do all of those things and, and kind of allow the Holy Spirit to lead you from there. I, I don't have the specific answers, but I do believe that marriage is sacred. Marriage is hard. And you're not, it's not going to be easy all the time. And so you just have to lean in to what the Lord is requiring of you. I pray to God that you have community. I pray that you have wise counsel. I pray that you have an O. Get up under a couple that's been married 20 something years. Get up under them, you know what I'm saying? Talk to an older saint in the church who, who's been married for some significant time and get some wisdom from them. But I think community is really important. I think prayer and intercession is really important. And just knowing the reality is like, marriage is hard. You're not, it's not going to be this beautiful rom com, like, and in my mind I be wanting a rom. Like, I love rom com, so I want a rom com. I want it to be like, beautiful and perfect and picnics and this and that. And the reality is, it's, like, it's hard because it's sanctification. So, again, this person is going to constantly be that person holding up a mirror in front of you, and vice versa. You're just exposing each other all the time. And that can be beautiful, but it can also be hard. So that. That would be my best advice is like community prayer and just be obedient to the word and allow the Lord to lead you from there. I wanna ask a question because this kind of came up the other day, and I was curious of what Jay thinks. We've all navigated life together as singles, and so I'm just curious, like, what your experience as a man is when it comes to dating in Christ and dating out of Christ. Cause I think. I think guys have a hard time dating in Christ. I think it's harder for them, even maybe for women, because men have to be the pursuers. Do you know what I'm saying? So I feel like it's harder for men than it might be for women. We have our different challenges, but I don't know, I feel like it might be harder for y'. All.

[Jay]

I guess it depends on, like, how far gone you were before Christ Jesus. Because it depends.

[Megan Ashley]

Like.

[Jay]

Like, everybody's convictions are different, but, like, if you were living a life where you were allowing your flesh to be the leader of all your decisions as far as, like, who you're choosing to date, why you're choosing to date, that's the main difference. Because, like, I think it's common for the Lord to kind of isolate you from that. And if I have a desire to have kids, but now in Christ, I know that, like, there are prerequisites for me to get there, I. E. Being married, getting to know somebody. You know what I mean? Like, now that's a new way to even consider. Like, is that something that I am ready for? And Lord, if that's your will for me, prepare me for that. Before Christ, it's easy to jump straight to romance. It's easy to get to romance fast. I think being in Christ has highlighted the importance of platonic relationships with women.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, I think that that's a really big, important thing too. Because I think that when you're a Christian and you do have a desire to get married, right? It feels natural to. The second that you have an interaction with the opposite sex, you are immediately, is this my spouse? You know what I'm saying? Like, is this the person that I'm gonna be married to is this. Instead of just getting to know the person for themselves, like, let me just get to know you as a person. And I'm not saying it's not something that you can't pray about or be mindful of, but it doesn't need to be in the forefront of your mind. Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage. Like, let me just get to know. Because I do think a big foundation to a successful marriage is friendship. Marriage is hard and it's gonna. There's gonna be tons of circumstances that provide opportunities for you to be at odds with each other. Right. But when there's like a friendship, it's like, not only do I not wanna hurt my spouse, but I don't wanna hurt my friend. Like, this is my friend. You know what I'm saying? Before anything, like, I. I care about this person. I love this person. I know this person. You know what I mean? I've spent time getting to know this person and so I care about them. So it's a big key, what you said. It's just like getting to know people platonically before having this rush to like, oh, romance. And like, you know, and one thing, one advice that I heard somebody give somebody else was like, don't interact with this person as if they're your spouse until they become your spouse. Don't even have that in your mind. Like, don't. Don't call that person your spouse. Don't think about that person in that way until they become that. Until that is solidified. Treat that person as another image bearer, who you are getting to know. And I just think that that's really important, like, slowing the pace down and just like, let me just get to know you.

[Jay]

That's wise, you know, Builds foundation. Because at the end of the day, it's like, what do we have to fall back on?

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

You know, outside of this covenant that we make to each other. And at the beginning of the day, are you my friend? Are you somebody that you know, that I truly care about? Because it's bigger than this agreement between us.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

It's like, I love you. Is it agape? Yeah. In that kind of way. In a worldly way. Attraction is grounds for. Is enough for a relationship to begin romantically.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Because I'm attracted to you. It's like, okay. It's like that gets you in the door and then I find out on the back end, like, who are you?

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Which is backwards. Or just not even backwards. It's just not. It's not wise. If you want something to last, yeah, it's surrendering to the will of the Lord. It's really seeking him in prayer before dating somebody, actually considering him. Like, in Christ, you get a new perspective on singleness. Singleness can be seen in the world

[Megan Ashley]

as like a something negative, but it's actually a blessing. Singleness is a blessing, and it gives you, like Paul talks about. It allows you to be anxious for the things of the Lord and not be anxious for a person. And it gives you a lot of space to have, like, deep intimacy with the Lord and even friendship with the Lord, like, where you're like, he really is your everything. And I think that that's beautiful. The other really important piece is pace. I think it's like allowing the Lord to set the pace of you getting to know somebody, praying like, lord, if this is your will for me to be with this person, any whatever, you set that pace. I'm not gonna set it. Like, lord, help me have self control to not allow my emotions to set the pace of this relationship. Let you set the pace. And in the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy getting to know this person and be prayerful as I'm getting to know them. And then I'm just gonna allow the Lord to pace it. And whatever pace the Lord is allowing it, that's what it will be. With Christians, I feel like we, you know, just to be completely transparent, like, you don't want to. It's like, all right, what we doing? Right? Because I don't think Christians should just be dating just to be dating. Right. I think we should date with each other.

[Jay]

It's not just something to do.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, it's not just something to do. And it's like, oh, I'm gonna try this girl out this week, and then I'm gonna try this other person out this week. And then, you know, I don't think we should be doing that, but I don't think that we have to meet somebody week one and marry them week 10. And if that's the way the Lord is pacing it, then that's the way the Lord is pacing it. But I just, you know what I'm saying? I just think, let the Lord pace it. Don't have all of these preconceived ideas about what you want it to be. But just like, prayerfully enjoy getting to know somebody and allow the Lord to pace that relationship, you know, Lord, you set the pace. I want to get to know this person. I want to be faithful as I get to know them, and I Want to be prayerful and intentional, but, Lord, you set the pace for how this relationship progresses. And another thing is, if. If marriage is something that is, like, a high priority on your mind and something that you're really, like, intentional about, and it's like, I want to be married or whatever. Instead of praying that this is like, lord, let this be the one, Let this be the one, pray, if he ain't the one, move him, skedaddle. End it swiftly. Because I don't want to waste my time right now. I want to waste somebody else's time. So if it's not the right person, then just move it out the way.

[Jay]

And that's a powerful prayer that he is good to answer.

[Megan Ashley]

Hello. Please skid that. I don't want to waste any time. So I think praying through that. But I think, yeah, I think it's just important to, like, allow the Lord to pace you in that. I think what Jay said is really important. Like, get to know people platonically. Don't have. Don't rush into getting to know somebody and being like, oh, you're my spouse. You're single. I'm single. We go to the same church. We like the same things. Then you're my spouse. It's like, no, you know what I mean? Y' all could. Y' all could have all the things and still not be compatible. You know what I'm saying? Like, you can have all the things in common and still be like, this ain't. What's up, you guys? This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Listen, I want to take a moment and talk about something that doesn't always get said out loud, but a lot of us are carrying it, and that's financial stress. And I'll be honest, this is something that I've had to navigate in my own life. 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Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com totality that's betterhelp H-L-P.com totality alright guys, back to the conversation. Believe it or not, there are some believers in the Christian faith who says spend years thinking that they're broken or failing God because they're struggling with unwanted, distressing thoughts. But this isn't a spiritual failure. These thoughts could be due to a common but overlooked condition, ocd. I'm talking about thoughts that interrupt worship like am I praying right? Will God forgive me if I make a mistake in my prayer? I need to start over. I need to do it perfectly this time. Or maybe a blasphemous image that pops into your head that makes you feel feel like you sin just for thinking it. Unwanted thoughts like these can be a sign of a type of religious ocd, also known as scrupulosity ocd. It's a form of OCD that can turn your faith into a source of constant guilt, doubt and fear. But because the condition is still widely misunderstood, a lot of people don't even know that it can show up in this way, or even that it can center around their faith. But OCD isn't just about being neat or organized like most stereotypes are suggest. OCD latches on to what you care about most, causing a cycle of distressing, intrusive thoughts and behaviors done to get rid of the anxiety they create, like praying until it feels just right or trying to solve or figure out your thoughts. But any relief of these type of behaviors is short lived. So the cycle begins again. Many people silently struggle with religious OCD, thinking it's some sort of personal failure or lack of faith where that may not be the case. It's a common type of OCD and highly treatable with the right kind of specialized therapy. And that's where no CD comes in. No CD is the world's leading OCD treatment provider. All of these licensed therapists are trained in ERP, or Exposure and Response prevention therapy, the most effective treatment for ocd. No CD therapists deeply understand ocd, so they know that these thoughts don't mean anything about you. In live virtual sessions, they'll help you break free from OCD's grip while honoring your faith so you can get back to focusing on what matters the most. No CD is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans. And they provide support between sessions. So you're never going at this alone. If you think you might be struggling with any kind of OCD, don't wait. Head over to nocd.com and book a free 15 minute call with their team today and start reclaiming your thoughts from OCD. That's nocd.com that's n o c d dot com. This ain't the right one. I think it's also important that you have, especially for those who are older, maybe not so much for young people, because I love that young people love to get married, but I'm like, take your time, please, like you just graduated high school. You know what I'm saying? I don't think you have to get married right away, especially for people who are older. It's like, don't be afraid to. I'm not saying interview and grill somebody, but as you're getting to know somebody, don't be afraid. Especially if marriage is part of the thing. Don't be afraid to ask some of the hard questions. Don't wait until feelings have developed. And then now you're talking about, do you want kids? You want kids? That he doesn't really want kids. But now you've waited all this time to have that conversation and feelings are involved now. Do you know what I mean? Like, you got it. There's some questions that I think you should ask, you know what I'm saying? Questions that might be uncomfortable, but questions that are, might be, that might be necessary. What is your relationship with money? What is your relationship with your mom? What is your relationship with, you know, whatever. I think that those are questions that you should, that are important to ask. I'm not saying you need to ask them. Day one, the first hangout, you're asking all the hard questions. But I do think that if marriage is a part of the intention, that you have to kind of lean into asking some of those slightly uncomfortable questions so that you can really discern if this is moving in the direction that you intended for it to go as far as if marriage is a thing. So I don't know. It's hard. I think it's challenging. I don't think anybody has, like, a manual or a, you know, blueprint to dating in Christ. I think it's just ask for wisdom.

[Jay]

Yeah, for sure. And I think it's helpful to lead in. That kind of vulnerability sets the ground for somebody to be vulnerable. And even asking sometimes if you're transparent about certain things.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Like being forthcoming about something, then returning it. How about you?

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

That kind of tape relieves the burden of, like, somebody having to muster up the courage to, like, ask certain things when, like, if you. If you feel it's important for it to be a topic, you can kind of lead with that. I think the other thing is realizing that, like, there often scriptures can be taken out of context. Like, a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. That's true, because, like, God blesses marriage, but it doesn't mean you have to be actively seeking. Sometimes I think it's important to let the Lord have your undivided attention. And then in the midst of you walking in his will and what he's called you to do, all of a sudden you will stumble upon somebody who is compatible with your life and just kind of who you are. And then all of a sudden, it's like, I did find a wife. You know what I mean? But I wasn't actively seeking. I was just like the first marriage. In Scripture, Adam was just tending to the garden like he was called to do. And then a helper was given to him. But he wasn't actively seeking a wife.

[Megan Ashley]

God provided.

[Jay]

Yeah, he was walking with the Lord and walking in his calling.

[Megan Ashley]

So, yeah, I think, too, we have to understand that. I think there's probably a lot of people that feel like there needs to be a one spouse for you. I have leaned into that because it feels more comfortable where it's like, I don't have to go through the process of all the things. Yeah, I don't know. I think that we, you know, the Lord has given us free will to make the decisions, but I think that we just have to be wise in the decisions that we make. Like, he's also given us with the free will. And like where he says like freely you may eat, you know, in the garden, he's like, freely you may eat, just don't eat that tree. You know what I'm saying? It's like it's having the freedom to make the decision, but do it with wisdom. It's like, I'm gonna do it with wisdom. I'm probably not going to choose a spouse that's not in the faith. I'm probably not going to choose a spouse that is. Is opposite of some of my non negotiables or whatever. Like I'm not going to probably do that. That probably isn't wise. I'm probably not going to want to marry somebody that lives across the country and has no plans on moving. And I have no plans on moving. And you know what I'm saying? Just like that probably isn't wise. But the Lord has also given you freedom. So don't think that there has to be like one specific person for you. I don't know if that's everybody's story. Not saying it can't be, but I don't know if that's everyone's story. But yeah, freely you may eat. But just be wise and be obedient and faithful to how the Lord is directing you. But it's hard. I think dating in Christ is so different than being in the world. And again, I don't think that there's a one size fits all. And I don't know if there's enough conversations or ministries built around that to really help guide people. But I do know that God is faithful and that he will lead you. He's a faithful shepherd. And so he'll shepherd you through all of that and lead you and guide you in the way that is pleasing ultimately to Him. But I think just relax, you know,

[Jay]

just like relax and ask him to set the stage. If it's your will for me to be married, please set the stage for that to be the. To be a thing.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Because like the question is just like what is dating like in, you know, in the faith it's now becoming dating to marry. It's not dating just to date.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah. And you're a whole, you have to be a whole person. I think that's another thing too. Don't wait. Stop waiting for a spouse to like complete you. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like you need to be a whole person. You want to be a faithful wife one day. You want to be a faithful husband one day. Day. Learn how to first be faithful to the Lord. Be faithful to him. Learn how to submit to Him. Learn how to, to yield to his directions and his and his command. Like yield to him all the things. Learn how to be a whole person in Christ before you're trying to like, you know, bind yourself to somebody else. I think that that's like really important. It's like a spouse doesn't complete you. They add to you, but they do not complete you.

[Jay]

Your spouse can't fill that God shaped hole in your heart.

[Megan Ashley]

You have to, you need to. Yeah. Be a whole person. So I don't know, I think it's interesting. It's hard and I think it's happening all the time and we're all just trying to figure it out. But yeah, just be faithful to God, man.

[Jay]

No, no, seriously, because he will add all those other things. Like if you seek first, he's faithful to add.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, and don't despise your singleness. Like singleness is a blessing. Singleness is a blessing. And so don't despise it. Like it can. It is a blessing. Like lean into it. Learn how to just worry yourself about the things of the Lord. Be faithful in that. And again, if it's God's will for you to be married, he will make it happen. Like at the right time, he will make it happen. Just be faithful to him. That's all I got on singleness and dating, because I don't know, I'm figuring it out too.

[Jay]

And not to just seek, you know, wisdom on singleness and just your friends who are also single. It's like scripture talks about that. It's like, that's the beautiful thing about the Bible. It's like all these different things that we go through in life, it's addressed in Scripture, including singleness. So like really kind of dive into those passages where singleness is directly addressed. Allow to, you know, to prick your heart. Cause you'll find that it often opposes the way that you thought about it previously.

[Megan Ashley]

A hundred percent. That's how we got on relationships. I don't know, we're figuring it out and learning how to be faithful just as much as anybody else but God. Like I said, God is a good shepherd. So he'll. He'll guide you and lead you whether you're in a relationship now, whether you're married now, whether you're dating now, whether you're single, whatever. At the end of the day, the Lord is your shepherd and he has you and he will help you. Is there any more relationship topic Questions or no.

[Lindsay]

Mm, not on them. Type of relationships, though. Yeah. I mean, they're all like, how to discern relationships when you meet people, knowing if God wants that person in your life and for what reason.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, I don't know if you can. If you can have an automatic knowing right off the bat why this person is in my life and for how long and for what. I think we have to, like, relax, like, you know what I mean? I think that there's so much intensity on, like. Like, we're. We're moving so much in fear of, like, oh, my gosh, should I do this? Should I not? Like. And it's not saying that you shouldn't be aware and, like, mindful of, like, yeah, I want to do what's pleasing to the Lord, but also trust the Lord. Trust that he's not about to set you up for the whoop de whoop. You know what I mean? Like, he's not about to set you up to fail. Relax. Pray. Just pray through it. If you meet somebody and y' all become friends and you feel like, oh, wow, we have a lot of things in common. I enjoy our conversations. You know what I'm saying? Every time I walk away from this person, like, the time that we had has been fruitful, whatever, then cool. You know what I'm saying? Great. But I don't think you have to have all this anxiety. The first time you hang out with somebody, you're like, oh, my gosh, are they for me? Did God send you? Da, da, da. You know what I'm saying? Like, sometimes you just find that out over time, you know, There are some people that are in your life, period, where, like, God has called you to them, vice versa, that he's knit your hearts together like, y' all locked in. And then there are some people where it's like, maybe you were in my life for a season, and God doesn't waste anything. So, like, I'm gonna learn all that I'm supposed to learn from that relationship and. And whatever. But it may not be a forever relationship, or maybe it starts off in one intensity, and maybe it changes into something different. That's okay. I think we also have to understand and know where to place people in our lives. Everybody. I think it's Dr. Sarita that said ministry, meals, and misery or something like that. There's, like, three categories. I think it's ministry, meals, and misery, or meals, ministry, misery, where it's like, they. There are people that you can just go get something to eat with, you know, girl, we Just go to Sephora. We just send real funny reels to each other that, like, that's our thing, you know what I'm saying? Or we. It's a person that I can go get food with, you know, or maybe catch a movie with, whatever. And that's cool. And that's the extent of the relationship. And then you have people that. That, I guess the ministry area, where it's a little bit deeper relationship, right, where it's like, we can do more things together and maybe share more intimate, you know, things together or whatever. And then you have the misery where it's like, you do life with these people, like, they get exposed to the hardest parts of you. And just like we see with Jesus and how he moved. He had the. The. The. The multitude. He had the 12, and then he had the three. You just have to learn where to place people. Everybody doesn't have to be your best friend. Some people can be just your friend, and that's okay. There are friends that I can share certain things with, and then there are some friends that I can't share certain things with. That is okay. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to wrap everything into one person that only belongs to the Lord, right? He is supposed to fulfill everything, not a person. And so I just think you need to learn how to have wisdom on where to place people. I don't think it's something that we need to be super anxious about. I think it's something that we should just pray through. You know, you meet somebody and like I said, y' all hit it off. And it's a. It's an interesting, fun, fruitful time. Lord, I'm enjoying getting to know this person and, you know, help me and give me discernment and wisdom on if I need to bring this person closer or if I need to just maintain it. It where it is, I think that's fine. So I just wouldn't get anxious about that. When it comes to people and friendships, like, I don't want us to get anxious. And I feel like there's so much heightened spirituality and legalism that it's given us anxiety on everything. Like, it's making us nervous about everything. And I just don't think it needs to be that way. Just let the Lord be your shepherd and let him guide you and trust in him and know that he's good and faithful and he will help you and lead you. You know what I mean? It just doesn't seem like something that we need to be anxious about.

[Lindsay]

This is kind of a two part question, but it's still on relationships. But in what ways do we bring selfishness into relationships and disguise it as love? And how do our relationship with God expose the way we actually love others?

[Megan Ashley]

I think how we relate to one another exposes our relationship, our actual relationship with the Lord. And I believe truly that if you have allowed the Lord's love to really be poured into your heart, that it's evident in the way that you treat the people that are around you. Because everything comes from overflow. You know what I mean? Like you have so abided and remained in God's love that it gives you the power and the encouragement and the strength to just freely love people because you're not loving them with expectations of getting something in return. You're loving them freely because you've got everything that you need from the Lord. You know what I mean? And I have failed in that in a lot of ways in my relationships where I haven't allowed the Lord to love me fully. And so I'm needing stuff from people, you know, and then when they don't fulfill that, then I treat them a certain type of way. And so I think that yeah, if you, if you learn how to be a faithful friend to the Lord, you'll be a faithful friend to your friends. But you first need to allow the Lord to be your friend. Allow him to really be all that he desires to be in your life, to fill every void. And that way when you go in relationships, you're just doing it out of overflow, you're freely loving them. Now I'm not saying be dog walked in relationships, you know what I'm saying? Where it's like people are just taking advantage of you. I've even, I've even been recently praying about asking the Lord for wisdom and generosity because I'm a person that can just give, give, give, give, give, but just asking the Lord for wisdom in that the way that you allow the Lord to love you will be evident in the way that you love other people. The way that your relationship and your intimacy with the Lord will be evident in the way that you love other people. You'll see yourself forgive, you'll see yourself have more patience, you'll see yourself have more self control, you'll see yourself have more capacity to love. In certain ways you'll have more wisdom. Like all of that I think is predicated upon your relationship with the Lord and how you're allowing that intimacy. Like it's fruit of the intimacy that you have with the Lord. And so I think that the clo. Anytime that I. That sometimes when my relationships are, Are.

[Jay]

Are.

[Megan Ashley]

There's friction and I'm the source of that friction. It's often because my. My intimacy with the Lord is off. Most times, like 99.9 and so what. But when my intimacy with the Lord is. Is solid and good and like, I'm. I'm really leaning in and I'm really abiding and I really remaining. It's like certain things just don't bother me like that no more. You know what I mean? I'm just. I'm freely. Just given and freely loving and all the things. And it doesn't feel burdensome. It just feels like I want to because I have all of this love that I've just been. That I've received from the Lord, and so I just. I have it in abundance. And so I'm just freely giving it. So, yeah, I think take inventory of your relationships and be like, okay, what are. What do my relationships look like? And then take inventory of your relationship with the Lord. Lord, and see if there's a disconnect there. My relationships are off. Oh, my intimacy with the Lord is off. And maybe I need to maybe step away a little bit from. From my relationships for a second. Get my intimacy with the Lord right. That way when I come back, I can love in a. In a way that's fruitful because you

[Jay]

might find yourself in a space where you, you know, it's tough for me to forgive people. That's also a reflection of. Maybe you're forgetting all that you've been forgiven of. Sometimes we, like, just like we've talked about before, where we're like, geared to drift, sometimes we drift away from remembering that how much grace has been given to us in those moments where it's tough for us to give grace to somebody else. It's really, like you said, abiding in his love and really taking the time to learn. How does Christ love? What does Christ like love look like? Let me really get to know him and his character and how he loves that. That will teach you how you need to do it to others. Because as we all know, the closer you get to him, the more aware of your own shortcomings you become.

[Megan Ashley]

Absolutely. The more you know God, the more you know yourself. And. And he. But he has also commanded us. He says, like, they will know that you are my disciples, by the way, that you love one another. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, I. I know I can. I can take inventory of my intimacy and my love for the Lord by the way I'm treating other people in my life. And so I think that that is like, I just think it's so pivotal. Like it's, it's so important that we do that and, and, and pause and be like, man, I'm just, I'm snapping. I'm not as patient, I'm not as kind, I'm not as charitable, I'm not as giving, I'm not as gracious. Like, what is up with me? And I think what you said is key, is like, let me take a. Let me pause and remind myself of all the grace and the mercy and the love and the forgiveness and the kindness that the Lord has given to me and really allow that to over overwhelm and fill my heart. So that way I am freely giving that to other people. Like, let love be without hypocrisy. You know what I'm saying? It is, it is hypocritical for you to be like, I'm a Christian and I love the Lord and da, da. And you treat people bad. You have no self control. You can't, you cannot stop what's coming out of your mouth. Let love be without hypocrisy. If you love the Lord, you gotta love people.

[Lindsay]

But, well, this is a question that is coming up for me because it is like, yes, you have to love people, but how would you suggest going about loving people freely from that overflow of love that you have from the Lord? But also still, because humans are human, still holding boundaries, but not setting those boundaries out of like unsaid bitterness and fear, but just out of the fact like, no, I'm going to love you freely. But there are boundaries. Like, if you do step away and you come back and it's like, things have to be different. Is it different because you haven't done the work on your end? Or is it different because these are healthy boundaries that actually just should be set?

[Megan Ashley]

Like, I think when it comes to the whole boundary thing, we have to allow the Lord to set those boundaries. Do you know what I'm saying? And not like that whole scripture is like, trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind and soul. Lean not into your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he would direct your path type thing where it's like, I think sometimes we can lean into our own traumas and our own triggers and our own past situations more than we can lean into just trusting the Lord and letting him determine those boundaries. And so I Don't know what those boundaries look like or even how that comes about. But I think a first step to that is praying and saying, lord, let. I want you to set the boundaries for me. You know, where. You know my heart, you know what's healthy for me, you know what's good for me. At the same time, I always want to be a good representation of who you are and how you've loved me. But I want to do that in a way where it's. It's where it's wise. You know, it may not be wise for me to engage with this person in this way anymore. You know what I mean? Maybe because of me or maybe because of them, I don't know. But, Lord, you direct my path. I'm just going to trust you. I think community and wise counsel, all of that helps. And the Lord uses all of those things. But I just. And I. And again, I don't know what the blueprint is to that, but I think the first step to that is saying, lord, here all. Here's everything. Cash your cares, like, here's all of it. You set the boundary for me. What are my boundaries? What are the boundaries that you want me to have? Because I think naturally we can set our own boundaries all day right out of self preservation and all the things like we can set, like. But that may not be what the Lord wants us to do. So I think it's just praying through like, lord, you set my boundaries. What is healthy and good for my heart and what brings glory to you and what pleases you. And sometimes it might be the very thing that's uncomfortable, but it's just asking the Lord what that is, you know, and praying through that and trust again that he's a good shepherd, that no matter what that is, it's for your good because he doesn't withhold any good thing from us. Right.

[Jay]

And asking him to help you to manage your expectations.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Because I think sometimes an expectation that we have of somebody, of how they maybe should respond to us loving them the way that Christ loves, Christ loves us, can play a part in the hurt that we experience if they don't respond in the way that we expect or hope that they would. So it's managing our own expectations that we have of people.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah. So asking, maybe asking the Lord, you set my expectations and you set my boundaries. You tell me what I should be expecting and you tell me what boundaries I need to have. Because you have to guard your heart with all diligence. And I think that's part of Guarding your heart, I think you gotta be mindful of that too.

[Lindsay]

And that's also a tricky thing, I know for me, cause it's like, yes, the Bible does, does say guard your heart. But sometimes as a human and in the flesh, guarding your heart can also be not trusting the Lord, having that balance, what do I do?

[Megan Ashley]

And that's, and I think that's like letting him guard it, you know what I'm saying? It's like, Lord, you give me the strategies and the wisdom to guard my heart and give me the ways in which to do that and not let me, like I said, lean into my own understanding and my own self preservations. And doing that because you guarding your heart might be you putting up a stone wall and God is actually saying just put a fence, you know what I'm saying? Because you want people to be able to see your heart, but also have boundaries where they don't have readily access to them at whenever they want. There might be that. But if you put a stone wall in front of your heart, then nobody can even see it, you know what I'm saying? So I think it's just asking the Lord what that looks like. You, you help me with putting the, the, the boundaries around what you want me to put the boundaries around and you decide what that is. And I think that that's just the Christian life. It's like at this point when you decided to give your life to the Lord, you no longer are the one that's making the decisions ultimately, you're ultimately giving him access to make all the decisions.

[Lindsay]

I do believe that most Christians that are truly pursuing the Lord, they understand that. But it seems like the wall that we all hit and all is just always confused about is the practicality of it all. Because it's like, I am human and yes, I can lay this at your feet and I can fast and I can pray, but it's just like when I get up and I have to move, I'm in the trial. It's like, what does guarding my heart actually look like? Yeah, I might have ideas of what a stone wall might look like. But what is offense? Are we talking a little bit? Are we talking about a slight remark or are we talking about, yeah, somebody really do slap you for real. Don't get mad. It's practically what are we doing? And somebody asked in the village, like, what? Because it is different for each and every person. But like, what does God or the Holy Spirit sound like to you? Like, how do you know when he's practically telling you to do something, or this is practically how you go about it, but it just never seems clear.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, I mean, because the Holy Spirit speaks to us in different ways and through different means. And I think the one thing that somebody really encouraged me with is like, you respond to the nudge and then take inventory of the outcome and then. And kind of base it basically off of that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, is the way that, that, that, that this nudge is. Does it align with the word? What was the fruit of that? And then you just start to respond to that. And as you continue to respond to the Holy Spirit, you start to know more that it's the Holy Spirit that you're responding to. I don't know if there's a, again, a direct blueprint to that, because again, the Holy Spirit is going to speak to us in different ways through different means. But I think it's actually just having the courage to know that, number one, the Lord is not gon. You fail. If you actually have a heart to pursue him and love him and honor him, all the things. He's a good shepherd. He's not about to set you up to fail.

[Lindsay]

And there's enough grace to fail. Because there's not a blueprint.

[Megan Ashley]

Yes. And there's grace there. If you respond and maybe the Holy Spirit nudged you and you didn't respond, there's grace. And if you do respond and there's fruit, then it's like, okay, I'm going to take inventory of that. I remember the last time I felt that nudge. And this is the fruit that it produced. So I'm just going to keep responding to that. You know what I mean? I just, I think it's, it's, it's sanctification, which means it's a process and it's progressive. And so don't think that it's just gonna happen all in your lap at one time when you have to respond and do things in faith.

[Jay]

Yeah, that's it right there.

[Megan Ashley]

It's faith. You know what I mean? You ha. Everything is. Is by faith.

[Jay]

Because it's definitely in his character to ask you to do something that in your mind and your logic doesn't make sense. Yeah, but that's like you said, by faith. I'm going to obey this nudge.

[Megan Ashley]

Here's the real kicker for me sometime, sometimes a real big indicator that it's the Holy Spirit for me is sometimes when I really don't want to do it. Like, if it's something that I just don't Want. Not that it's wrong to do, but it's like, because the Holy Spirit ain't about to tell you anything that goes against this. So that's number one. Right. But if it's something that it's like, I know I'm actually going to need the Lord to do it like it's outside of my own strength and ability, then usually that's an indicator that the Holy Spirit is provoking me to do something because it's requiring a level of dependency and humility that I just don't have. Actually have. And so sometimes for me, that's a good indicator. Like, oh, okay, if the Lord is like, yeah, I want you to have that conversation, or I want you to go and apologize, or I want you to go and confess that it's like. But that's how, you know, it's probably. It's probably the Holy Spirit, number one, because it aligns with God's word. But number two, it requires his strength that you don't have, and it requires humility and dependency. And so lean into that. And the more that you obey, the quicker you obey, the more that you respond to the Holy Spirit, the faster you'll respond to the Holy Spirit the next time. So just respond to him and do what he's asking you to do. That's how you sharpen that sense.

[Jay]

I know for me that he won't let me have peace.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, that's another thing too, for sure.

[Jay]

It's like, if I don't do what I feel I'm getting a nudge to do, I won't have peace about it. And that nudge will come back. And it's like, you don't want to harden your heart to his voice because he promises that my children will know my voice.

[Megan Ashley]

You don't want to do that. That's. That's inching on reprobate.

[Lindsay]

Hello.

[Megan Ashley]

Inching blasphemy. If you are ignoring the Holy Spirit, you just.

[Jay]

Because, I mean, there are times in my life where he's asked me to let go of certain things where it's like, this ain't even a big deal. Like, that's not even. Like, that's nothing to me. Like, like, it's like, is it. Yeah, right. You know, Or. And again, it's. It's like, forget the. Is the. That using your own logic is if, like, that's detrimental to you, let's think about who's actually speaking to you, who's

[Megan Ashley]

asking you to do it. Yeah.

[Jay]

The third person of the Triune God speaking to You. And you're gonna just say, I'm not gonna do that. Because, like, that's not a big deal. That's not an idol in my life. It's the surrender to his will. Like saying, because I know your life and what comes before you and what I have for you. There are certain things that you can't even grasp because you won't let go of certain other things. You know what I mean? It's like maybe you find comfor in a video game. Lord might be telling you it's time for you to put video games down. And it's like, you know, I do that on the weekend. I work all the time. Like. But it's like, no, actually, you find comfort in that, in a place where

[Megan Ashley]

I want you to have it in me. And that's the thing. I think it goes back to the same thing. You may be getting rid of this, but you are getting me. You know, the Holy Spirit might be like, lay this down. And you be like, dang, it's not that big of a deal, but is it better than me?

[Jay]

Yeah, there is.

[Megan Ashley]

I might be asking you to lay this down so that you can get more of me. And if I am what you are after, then it shouldn't matter what he's asking you to lay down. You're laying it down. He's worthy of it all, literally.

[Lindsay]

And it shows the. It really just proves, like, however sensitive you are to any little thing, shows how intimate you are with the Lord. Because that just reminds me of when I got my iPad for Christmas in January. I had to pass from all the games. And it's like, I'm not even a gamer. But it's definitely. Which is why mere Christianity is very good. Because it's like, even. Even not a believer, you have the moral law in you, but that moral law was put in you by someone. And it's like everybody has this subconscious or this second thought or the Holy Spirit that is nudging you. Like, it's always nudging you. Now, how far or how close it is is on your intimacy with the Lord. But it's like, you'll know. Like, if you really want to know, you're going to know. Because it's like, it's not. It is sometimes hard. Like, in a sense of. Yeah, my logic makes sense. So I don't understand, like, yeah. Why I have to speak, but it's like, I do know, like, what's the detriment in speaking if. Like, that's your advice or whatever. But, yeah, I just Feel like if you question. And I'm talking to myself too, because I do question, like what's right, what's not. Is this the Lord? Is this me? And stuff like that. But it's like if you know that you have a relationship with the Lord, you will know when the Holy Spirit is speaking to you and what he's telling you to put down or not. Because it's just like you can't really get around it.

[Megan Ashley]

You won't. And the Lord is also so kind that he'll send confirmation. Like he will send other people. Like random stuff will happen where you're

[Lindsay]

like, I was gonna ask like, does anyone experience like if the holy. Like you feel the nudge and then like everywhere you go it's like you can't escape.

[Megan Ashley]

You can't escape it. Yeah. And I think, I don't know if that happens all the time, but I do think that that happens. It happens enough where it's like, like, yeah, also.

[Lindsay]

Sorry, I don't. Also could depend too like how intense

[Megan Ashley]

the, the sacrifices or whatever he's requiring.

[Lindsay]

Like if you're ignoring the nudge, then it's like another. No, it's mine. Just definitely ignoring. Because a couple of weeks ago I was scrolling on TikTok and it was like two in the morning and the Bible app notification, it popped up on top of my phone and it was like, keep it up. And I got so scared. Like, I just was like, keep it up. Like that sound like a, like keep it up. But like I'll still get that notification today. And it's really like keep up reading your word. But because I had already felt a conviction like get off.

[Megan Ashley]

Get off. Tik tok.

[Lindsay]

And it popped up and then it was like 20 minutes went past and they said keep it up again. And I was like, okay, I'm kidding. I don't know. That was really.

[Megan Ashley]

I do think the Lord be moving in certain ways where he. Because he knows you personally. And I think that that's the thing that's so beautiful about the God that we serve is because he knows what get your attention. He knows how you're going to respond to a thing. And so that he uses and leverages certain things to. To confirm what he's actually allowing the Holy Spirit to convict us of. And so I think that that's beautiful. It could be in situations like that. I think the biggest thing is one, the Holy Spirit is never going to do tell you to do anything that's contradictory to his word. So I think that's number One, I think number two, respond and take inventory. Right. And then keep responding and then look for confirmations of. Of what the Lord is telling you to do. And ultimately, whatever he' you to give up or requiring you to do, whatever that obedience is, it draws you closer to him, to himself, which is ultimately what we want as a Christian. We want him. We don't want all the stuff more than we want him. So, yeah, that's what I would kind of encourage you to do as you, you know, respond to the Holy Spirit. That would be the best. Yeah, I think everybody gave really good encouragement and advice on that. So anyway, we've talked through all levels of relationships and then ended up with surrender, the Holy Spirit illumination. I don't like we ended up all the way over there, but I hope you were able to at least get some sort of wisdom or encouragement or guidance in this episode. We love you guys. I don't really have a journal prop. Maybe take inventory of your relationships, take inventory of your heart and take inventory of your intimacy with the Lord and see if there is some disconnects there. Am I in my relationships? And what. What's really in my heart? What am I really after? You know what I'm saying? What is. Lord, what do you have for. For me, it's in singleness. What do you have for me in marriage? What do you have for me in friendships? What do you have for me? Like, Lord, I just ultimately want to have a life that is seeking your kingdom first and allowing you to add everything else after that. I ultimately want you. And so I think that. That. That should just be our prayer, is that we want the Lord in whatever season, and we should be content when we have him in whatever season.

[Jay]

So I think that's a good. I got a good general problem. And this season, what is the Lord asking you to say?

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. I don't think it's common to view any relationships as idols, and I think that's actually very, very common just for the human. Human alone.

[Megan Ashley]

Whether it's dating or friendship or even singleness. Singleness. Like, it could. Yeah. Cause singleness can definitely be idle. I like my time. Huh? I love my bed by myself.

[Lindsay]

Just because we're living in such a lonely time, like, it's easy to. To idolize any. Like you said, any type of relationship. It's like, I'm lonely. Yeah, for sure. For sure. And then you're watching people platform their relationships and, oh, I want that kind of best friend. I want this type of marriage. And it's just like I don't think we realize because now this has turned

[Jay]

into an identity crisis.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. All the consumptions that like social media is nothing but consuming a version of a type of relationship, whether that's single, whether that's together, whether that's dating, whether that's marriage, whether that's a friendship, whether that's a sisterhood, it's all it' some type of relationship. And I don't think we really understand like that might be an idol in a lot of like, especially in the Christian context because it's a thin. It's a fine line between having community or am I idolizing my community? And it's like the Lord actually isn't my ultimate community.

[Megan Ashley]

Yeah, that's good. So, yeah, take inventory of what ways do I need to surrender? Is the Lord requiring me to surrender? And Lord, expose my heart and my pure and my actual motives in relationships? Like, what is the actual motive in my heart? Is there some selfish ambition there? Is it some idol? Am I idolizing the idea of singleness or marriage or friendship or whatever? Yeah. Am I trusting that you have what's good for me? Like you actually have good for me? Whether that's remaining single or whether that's a marriage or whether that's friendship, whatever? Yeah. I think those are some good ways to interrogate your heart. So I hope this was helpful for you guys. Shout out to the team for helping us walk through all of that. Thank you for your questions. We love you guys. See you next week. Hey y'. All, thank you so much for being here with me on In Totality this week. If this episode blessed you or challenged you or even stirred up something in your spirit, go ahead and like this video. Drop a comment below and share with us what part of the conversation really stuck out the most. Share with someone who you think might benefit from watching this. It really helps the show. And listen, if you want more of In Totality on a weekly basis, then join my Patreon community Community. You get early access to watch In Totality episodes, exclusive behind the scenes content and In Totality docu series, which is like my vlog, first access to merch drops events, Bible studies, where we're walking through the word together, book clubs and so much more. We're growing in our faith together and I would love for you to be a part of it. If you haven't already, subscribe and tap the notification bell so that you never miss an episode. Thursdays, you'll find me right here on YouTube in the live chat when the episode premieres. I hope this message encouraged you today. I pray that you find a good godly community and a Bible based church where you're rooted in love and growing. Keep stepping into God's truth in totality. I'll see you next time. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Jay]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Megan Ashley]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Jay]

That's right.

[Megan Ashley]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jay]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Megan Ashley]

A whole lot.

[Jay]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app or. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

[Lindsay]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[Megan Ashley]

Really? I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget. You can really have it delivered or pick it up.

[Lindsay]

I think kid is walking up the slide.

[Megan Ashley]

Really? Auto trader. Buy your car online Really?