← In Totality with Megan Ashley
Loading summary
Transcript8 lines
- [00:00]
Megan Ashley
With a $5 meal. Deal with new McValue. You pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and Participation may vary. McDouble meal $6 in some markets for a limited time only.
- [00:15]
Ray Porter
Craving your next action packed adventure? Audible delivers thrills of every kind on your command. Like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinction. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spine tingling horror and romance and far off realms, unleash your adventure aside with gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must Listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us that's audible.com wondery us.
- [01:04]
Megan Ashley
What'S up you guys? Welcome back to another episode of In Totality. I'm your host, Megan Ashley. Listen, we're going to have a conversation that is extremely sensitive and so I kind of just wanted to state my intentions before we go into the conversation. I try to do a really good job at being transparent and vulnerable with this platform and using myself and the experiences and the lessons that I have learned to maybe help you feel more seen and help you navigate through your journey and your faith walk with the Lord. So this conversation, I guess I just, I'm asking for grace. I'm asking for grace for me because I'm sharing some, something that is probably the most personal thing to me, which is my children sharing about one of my children and grace with each other. I know that this particular conversation can open up a lot of opportunity for division and discord and arguments and all the things. And that's not the intent for this. The intent for, for this conversation is to be transparent, to be honest, to be vulnerable and to give hope. And so I pray that you. Yeah. That you give me grace as I kind of just navigate through this, this topic and then you would give each other grace in the comments and as you dialogue about some of the stuff that we're going to talk about today. So hope you enjoy this conversation. All right guys, welcome back to another episode. This month, if you are not aware, is Autism Awareness Month. And so this is where the world becomes aware of what some of us have to live with every single day. For those of you who don't know. And it's crazy because I feel like I haven't really, like, dedicated an episode to talk about what my experience and my journey has been with my son Caleb. And I'm sure for a lot of you who probably have watched, maybe have followed me for some time, I've talked about him often, and you've heard me even talk about him on other platforms, but I don't feel like I've ever just said sat and talked about it on here, on, in totality. And so I was kind of feeling burdened to talk about it. And. And so, again, I just pray that you guys would give me grace as I kind of navigate through how I want to, you know, be vulnerable and transparent with this particular conversation. So, yeah, this month is autism awareness month, and so you'll see a lot of people say, light it up. Blue. Blue is like the autism color. You'll see a lot of puzzle p all the things. And so, yeah, I just kind of wanted to share what my journey is and what my journey has been when it comes to autism. For those of you who don't know, I have a middle son. His name is Caleb, and he was diagnosed with autism when he was 2. And so a little backstory. My ex husband and I, when we first got together, we got pregnant, or I got pregnant with our oldest son, Eli. We were not married. And so coming from a church background, coming from the girl that was so active, have been involved in church and church activities. I went to Bible college. We were on summer break. I met my ex husband and I got pregnant at the beginning of August. And so that came with a whole lot of shame, which is a whole another topic for a whole another podcast. But it came with a lot of shame. It came with a lot of ridicule from the church. It came with a lot of hurt. You know, people talked bad about me. I. You know, it was just. It was hurtful. People that I respected, respected, people that I loved weren't as supportive. It was just a hard time. I greatly disappointed my mom. I greatly disappointed a lot of people who. Who cared about me, even maybe people that were a little younger than me, that looked up to me. But most of all, I greatly grieved the Lord by stepping outside of his divine order. And I felt that pain and I felt that grief and I felt that shame deeply. And because the embarrassment that I had there was even a temptation of, you know, maybe not having Eli not going through with the pregnancy. And maybe that would, you know, keep me from having to go through the shame of having him and not being married. All the things that typically come along with church girls who get pregnant before they get married. Right. And so I'm giving you all of this background because when my ex husband and I finally did get married, Eli, at the time, when we got married, Eli was only a few months. And I desperately wanted to have more babies. Now I've always wanted to have lots and lots of kids. My mom could tell you that I've always wanted to have, like, lots of kids. I think because I was the only child growing up in my mother's home. I always wanted lots of siblings. But I also wanted to have another baby, if I'm being honest, because I felt like it would redeem me with God. Like, I thought that if I finally had a baby when I was married, that God would somehow not be mad at me anymore for having Eli unmarried. And so we tried really hard to have another baby. I remember when Eli was one, we tried for a year and could not get pregnant. And so the church that I. That I was serving at and the church that I attended at the time, we were going through a series on the book of Jude. And Jude is talking about Contending for the Faith. And that was the topic during that time. That was the. The subject of our. Of our journey through the book of Jude. And I remember very vividly, like, you know, obviously, I'm still trying to get pregnant. I'm still trying to have our second child. I'm, you know, I'm begging God, I just want to have a baby. I just want to have a baby. I just want to have a baby. And we're going through this, this series contending for the Faith. And I remember clear as day, I was sitting in church. I remember where I was sitting at. I was on the far. Like, if I'm looking at the. This, the stage of the church, like, I'm sitting all the way on the right hand side towards, like, the middle back of the church. And I remember in my heart and in my mind just pleading with the Lord to get pregnant. And I was just like, God, please, like, please, please, please, I really want to have this baby. I really want to have this baby. And I felt like the Lord like, silence, silence me. Like, it was like, okay, I heard you. Like, he was like, okay, I heard you enough. And I sensed that the Lord wanted me to pray for other women who were trying to get pregnant just like I was trying to get pregnant. And so there were two other women in the church who were trying to get pregnant and were having a hard time. And so I stopped praying for myself and praying for my pregnancy. I started to pray for their pregnancy. And so a couple months later, I find out I'm pregnant. I'm so elated. I'm like, oh, you know, we're pregnant. We're finally, you know, having our baby the right way. Like, we're finally having our baby the right way. And so I remember praying about the name of, like, what should I name Caleb? And what should I name this baby? And I went through so many different names, but the name Caleb kept coming up really, really strong. Caleb was one of the spies in, in the Old Testament who had great faith, who felt like they could conquer and that the Israelites could conquer the land. And so that name was just very, very, very strong on my heart. And it was strong on my heart because, number one, during the time that I was praying to get pregnant with Caleb, we were talking about contending for the faith. And then the. The name Caleb, he was a man of great faith. So that name just felt so. Yeah. So I get pregnant with Caleb. We have him. His middle name is Jude. Fitting, obviously. And so I remember this was like, oh, this is my faith baby. Because it took. I felt like it took so much faith for me to have Caleb. Like, oh, this is my faith baby. Right. And that's why his name is Caleb Jude. And so Caleb was born. And I'll never forget when I, you know, I had. I had to have C sections with all of my children. And so I remember when Caleb came out, I remember looking at him and seeing his face and, like, something so powerful came over me that, like, this child was different. I don't really remember much of anything after they gave, like, they gave me a certain medicine that kind of puts you in a twilight. And I don't really remember everything, but I remember having a strong sense of when I looked at Caleb, I just knew that something was different about him. I had such a strong, overwhelming feeling. This child is different. I remember. I remember them wheeling me in, and it was halfway between the hallway and the recovery room. And I remember that strong sense. And that thought came over me. This child is different. And then after that, it kind of goes back into this, like, twilight where I don't really remember much. And so over the next two years, you know, Caleb was a little different, but I didn't really notice major, major things. I just noticed that he didn't really babble that much. I noticed that, you know, he was a little delayed when it came to rolling over and when it came to crawling and, like, I picked up on little stuff like that. But I think because I was so scared to admit that anything was wrong with him or just didn't know, just wasn't educated to know what to look for, I just kind of ignored it. But thank God that we had an amazing pediatrician, Dr. Robbins, and he was so on top of everything, and he noticed that Caleb was kind of delayed, and so he wanted us to get him evaluated. And so at this point, Caleb was 2, and I had just had Jonah right before Kayla was diagnosed with autism. And so we go through this evaluation, and the evaluation is so long and brutal. And, you know, you have all these doctors looking at your child like they are some sort of science lab rat. And, you know, they're looking at them and observing their behaviors and all the things. And as a parent, you don't really know what's happening. You're just watching as they're watching your child. And so we go through this. This full day of evaluations, and they send us home, and then we get a phone call from. From our doctor, our pediatrician's Dr. Robin Robbins. And he calls us and he asks us to come into his office, my ex husband and I and our other two boys and Caleb. And so he brings us into the office, and he says, based off of all the evaluations and the testing, Caleb shows signs of autism. And so this is back in 2014. I didn't really know much about autism at all. I think I heard about it, but I didn't know much about what autism was. What does that mean? You know, it. It sounded scary to us at the time because we were so unfamiliar and so uneducated and. And he was, to be honest with you, when Dr. Robbins said autism, I don't really remember hearing anything else that he said. I just remember autism and it sounding like an echo in a hollow room that it just kept reverberating off of my brain and off of my ears. Autism, Autism. It was like I didn't hear anything else. And even visually, like, I remember what the room looked like, but everything just went blurry. Like, I don't really remember much but autism. And so I remember we got in the car and I kind of just stared out the window the whole way home, running through every possible scenario in my mind at what could possibly be our lives because of this diagnosis. And from that moment on, started a very interesting journey with me as a mother, but also with Me as a, as a believer. And so for those of you who don't know, autism is a neurological disorder. It's not something that you can pinpoint and bottle down to one size fits all, because that's not how autism work. Autism is very. And it affects people differently. There are some that are high on the spectrum, and there are some that are low on the spectrum. I'm sure you probably have heard a lot of people recently that have been diagnosed in their adulthood with autism, and it's because it's such a great spectrum. Jordan and I often joke around and say we're probably all on the spectrum somewhere. If we're honest, if we boil down every small quirk and characteristics to our personalities, I'm sure we would fit somewhere on there. But particularly when it comes to Caleb, it's. Yeah, this, this, this journey has been very unique because Caleb is also non verbal. And a year after he was diagnosed with autism, he was also diagnosed with what's called Fragile X syndrome, which put a whole nother layer to our lives and what life would mean for Caleb. Fragile X is a dysfunction in the X chromosome that doesn't allow the body to produce the protein that's needed for brain development. So technically, Caleb would be considered mentally impaired. When they brought us in to tell us about Caleb having Fragile X syndrome, it was extremely devastating because with autism, it was like, okay, you know, there's a lot of people that have autism and live normal lives and have jobs and family and friends and, you know, social lives, and they graduate and there's tons of people who just live normal lives with autism. So I think for me, hearing autism, there was always like this hope that, like, oh, yeah, like, he'll be fine. Like, you know, we're just gonna go through the therapies and we're gonna do ABA and we're gonna do speech therapy and occupational therapy and all the things, and he'll be fine. And then when the Fragile X syndrome diagnosis came, it was like, there's no cure for it. This is what it is. And so I remember sitting with a social worker, my ex husband and I, and they told us Caleb would never know who we were. Caleb would never know who his siblings were. He would never be able to identify us as his family. He. He would not graduate from high school. If he did, he would be in his mid-20s, that Kayla would not have a normal life, normal social life, never get married. He would never be able to live on his own, that he would be completely 100% dependent on us solely for the rest of his life. And so, yeah, those are. Those are the things that they sent you sit down. Sit you down and tell you about your child. Now, mind you, this is not just any child that I just happened to get pregnant with. This is the one that I begged God for. This is the child that I had begged and pleaded and lamented and petitioned God for. I would do anything, God, if you would just give me this baby. That's. That's Caleb. That's the one that I begged for. And he's the one who now has two incurable diagnosis. My faith in God. I don't want to say that my faith was shattered, but I was deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply hurt that God would allow me to beg for a child, that he would also allow for two incurable diagnosis. And so Caleb was my first introduction into what grief really was. What, Like, I never had felt grief before until I came to the reality and the knowledge that my son has two incurable diagnosis. Now, I want to read the definition of grief because I often think that people immediately think of just death. But grief is a. A natural emotion when it comes to experiencing a great loss or sor. Whether that be the loss of a family member or a person that you love, like their physical lives being lost, or it could be a extreme life change or a loss of a relationship. Like, grief is something that we all experience, right? Grief is something that I am learning that that connects us to God in a way that we can't experience in any other way outside of grief. And so I think that the. One of the. One of the hard things that I had to learn and thank God I had someone in my life at the time that told me, you know, as soon as we got the diagnosis, I remember I called this person and she was the only person I felt like I could talk to about it because she deeply understood. Because, you know, 20, over 20 something years ago, her son was also diagnosed with autism. And so I remember calling her and telling her, and she told me, megan, this is something that you're going to have to grieve. And I could not understand what that meant because again, at the time, grief only was in my mind. I only knew grief in the context of death, of someone's life not being here any longer. And so I couldn't understood what she meant by you're going to have to grieve this. And I'm like, what do you mean, grieve this? She was like, when you got pregnant with Caleb, you did not see this happening. Correct. And I'M like, no. She was like, you pictured his life being full, and you pictured baseball games and basketball games and football games, and maybe he would play soccer, and maybe he would ride dirt bikes and play on scooters and throw footballs, and he would have lots of friends, and he would have birthday parties and kindergarten graduations and middle school graduations and high school graduations, and he would grow up and he would get married to a beautiful young lady and you would have grandchildren and all the things you, you. You had that picture in your mind. And I'm like, yeah. And she was like, well, now this diagnosis gives a death sentence to that, to that picture. It's. It's like, now you have to grieve what you thought was going to be. That may not be. And so Caleb getting those diagnoses was my first introduction into grief. I have to now grieve what I thought would be the life that Caleb. I thought Caleb would have, the life that I thought we would experience with him. I now have to grieve that. And although she said that to me, I don't think that I really had the maturity to really know what that meant. And. And I probably needed people in my life to help me process that grief. But when you are young, you know, my ex husband and I, we were young and we had two other children and we're working hard, hardly making any money, right? But we have to provide for. For our family. And it felt like there was no time to grieve. We just have to figure it out. And when your child gets diagnosed with autism, they are thrusting you into all the things. Because early intervention, early intervention, that's all you hear. Early intervention, early intervention. So we got to get them in therapy, we got to get them with an occupational therapist, we got to get them in speech therapy, we got to get them in physical therapy. Do you want to do ABA or do you want to do a different type of therapy? Like, there's all these decisions that you have to make, and you feel like you have to make them right away. Because early intervention, he's two at the time, you know, when he got the fragile X syndrome, he was three. You know, we gotta get this done before five years. Like, these are the primal years that you have to just. So there's all this pressure and so there was no time to grieve. All. All we had to do was just act and get stuff done and looking back on it. And if I were to help any young parent or any parent who gets a diagnosis, is that, yeah, give yourself Time to grieve, you know, yes, respond, get your child in all the therapies, but also give yourself time to grieve and feel and process what is extremely painful and extremely complex and extremely hard to. To. To process and navigate through. And so I don't think that I dealt with it the right way. When I look back on it and all those years ago. Caleb will be 13 this year. When I look back at Those years almost 10 years ago, I don't think that I handled it well. But what I will say is, is that God was so kind and merciful to me, that although I was so frustrated and angry at God for allowing this to happen, he still allowed me to experience a part of himself that I don't think I would have experienced any other way outside of going through this type of grief through Caleb's diagnosis. And what I mean by this is, is that there's something that there's a quote. I don't think I will be able to read it verbatim because some of the words are in Latin and God knows I can't speak Latin, but there is a quote by Martin Luther and he basically is saying that there are deep, deep things that God reveals to us through prayer, through the meditation of God's word, but also through trials. And I was listening to John Piper and he was saying how like, there is a fruit that we can only eat during grief that stores all the nourishment that we need that we can only have and only get in grief. And when I look back on my experience with Caleb being diagnosed with autism and how that felt like such grief to me, I look back and I see how much God exposed so much of himself to me out of his mercy and his kindness. Because I truly believe during that time my heart was growing far from the Lord, mainly because I was so angry at him for allowing this to happen. But I remember, I remember sitting on the floor with Caleb and Caleb used to do this thing where he would just scream all the time. He would just scream like there. Like there was nothing that you could say or do to calm him down. He would just scream and not scream in a way where he was like being like violent or angry. But he would just. Like when he would cry, he would just cry and cry and cry and cry and cry, and it was like he wouldn't be able to stop. And I remember at, you know, by the time Caleb got his second diagnosis, I was a stay at home mom and. And so Eli and Jonah and Caleb, they're all in the house and they're all under five at this point. And, you know, so you can imagine how chaotic my life was and how chaotic the home was because I had all these young babies. And Caleb was in his, in one of his moods and he just couldn't, I couldn't soothe him. And so I'm sitting in the middle of the floor and I'm just, you know, kind of rocking Caleb and I couldn't get him to calm down. I couldn't get him soothed. And I remember sitting there and I just started crying. I ran out of options. I felt like I could not get him to calm down. I just felt like everything was just out of my control. You know, I'm looking around and there's toys everywhere, there's dishes in the sink. And life just felt chaotic. And this beautiful child that I prayed for, I cannot get him to settle. And I remember just so loudly in my heart asking the Lord why like it? I don't, I don't remember it coming out of my mouth, but I remember how loud it was inside of my heart. Why. Why did you let this happen? Why are you letting this happen? I, like, I thought we were good now. I didn't. I thought we were good now. Like, I got married. We're. We're active and involved at church. You know, I thought we were good. And I feel like you're punishing me. Why are you punishing me? And why are you deciding to punish me through this baby who had nothing to do with anything? This, this poor, innocent child? You're causing him to suffer and I don't know why you're doing this. You know, I've believed in you my whole life.
- [30:12]
Jordan
What's up guys?
- [30:13]
Megan Ashley
It's me, Megan, Ashley.
- [30:15]
Jordan
We all know spring comes with more than just flowers. It comes with sneezing, itchy eyes, non stop congestion. But why suffer when relief is just a click away? Zoc Doc has you covered. Whether you need a nearby allergist, a PCP for an initial check, a pediatrician for your little ones, or a telehealth option for a quick care. ZocDoc can help you get your allergy relief fast so you can beat sneezing season and make spring a little less sniffly. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. You can book in network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across across every specialty from mental health, dental health, primary care, urgent care and more. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance located nearby are a good fit for your medical needs. You may have and are highly rated by verified patients. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choosing a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. Appointments made through ZocDoc also can happen fast test typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. If for any reason I needed to change doctors in the future or find a new medical specialist for me or my kids, ZOCDOC is what I would use. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com totality and find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c doc.com totality zocdoc.com totality that's t o T A L I T Y All right guys, back to the conversation.
- [32:07]
Megan Ashley
And I know I messed up, but why are you allowing this to happen? So these are the thoughts that are going through my mind. And, and to be honest with you, it was probably one of the most honest conversations I probably had with God ever. Like, really honest. Like honest in the way, like I'm telling him I'm mad at you. Honest, I'm not. I don't like what you're doing. That type of honest. And so I'm having this conversation with the Lord and I remember sensing so strongly for the first time and probably either ever or a really long time, but it was probably the strongest sense that I had. I remember the Lord strongly answering, or I sense that the Lord strongly answered that inward cry and that inward plea to him of why? And I sense so strongly like the Lord was like, why not? And then I remember him saying, quoting right Jeremiah, for I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. And, and when, and when the Lord, when I sensed the Lord telling me that so strongly, it, it was like, but I also know the plans that I have for Caleb. I knew him before I placed him in your womb. I knew him just as I knew you. And if I know the plans, if you believe that I know the plans for you, then you have to believe that I also know the plans for Caleb. I felt like I was having that moment in Is it, is it Mark 9 or John 9? Yeah, this is, this is John 9. I felt like I was having that moment in John 9 where the disciples are like, who sinned? Was it the mother or the father, like, who sinned? Why is this, this, this, You Know, why is this kid blind? And Jesus said, neither the father or the mother sin, but it is for my glory. I felt like that was that moment for me when I was begging the Lord on the inside, screaming with all of my heart, why was it my sins? Is it. Is it my ex husband's sins? Like, what is it? Is it both of our sins? Like, what. Why are you punishing us? And I felt so strongly the Lord is like, it's for my glory. And so from that moment on, I'm not gonna say that I processed well and grieved well and. And just decided, oh, okay, I'm just gonna rejoice in the Lord and, like, had all of this joy. No, but it was. It was this. That the Lord was going to start speaking and showing me and revealing a sense of himself to me in a way that I had never experienced before. And it. And it's. That was like the introduction to that moment. And it hasn't stopped. It hasn't stopped. And so I think about even in. In Psalms 19, Psalms 1967, before I was afflicted, I went astray. But now I keep your word. You are good, and you do what is good. Teach me your statues. I feel like there. There is a. There is a knowledge of God that we get when there is a suffering, a trial or an affliction that happens. There is a. There is a. A knowledge of the Lord and an experience of the Lord that we can only get through trials, through suffering, through grief. And if I could go back. Oh, man, if I could go back, I would grieve. You know, what Caleb diagnoses, I would grieve his diagnosis so much differently because I would actually invite the Lord into that grief. I would invite him into it. I wouldn't. I wouldn't just be mad or decide to rebel, because that's what happened. I got. There were times where in my life, you know, shortly after Caleb got his second diagnosis, where I just. I just did everything the Lord didn't want me to do. Like, I just wowed out. I was so trapped in a particular phase of grief that I just was so angry. Like, that anger phase of grief. That's what I was. And it. And it processed its way through multiple things, not honoring myself, not honoring my marriage, not honoring my leadership, not honoring God. Ultimately, there was so much that I did wrong because I was trapped in the phase of grief of just anger that I did not allow the Lord to come into my grief and to be in it with me, right? Because the Bible says, for we don't serve high priestess in Hebrews. We don't. We don't serve a high priest who is not unable to empathize with us or sympathize with us like he, He. He knows how we feel, for he has gone through it all, has experienced it all, and wants to be invited into this grief with us. I was going through the book Relax by Megan Fate Marshman. A lot of, you know, I was reading that book and I realized that, you know, the Lord. The Lord so badly wants us to invite him into the grief. And, and what I learned by reading her book and what she was teaching us in the book is, is that by grieving and acknowledging the grief, right? By grieving the fact that someone you love is no longer here, by grieving the fact that that relationship did not work out or that friendship failed, or that that job opportunity didn't come through, or the fact that, that you know, that loved one has a disease or your child has two incurable diagnosis. That grief that you are experiencing means that deep within you there is an awareness that it's an. It's not supposed to be this way. There is a deep awareness that you know that something isn't right. It's not supposed to be this way. And I want to encourage you and let you know that you're absolutely correct. It's not supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Right in the beginning, when God created everything, he created everything good. And then when the fall of man happened, when sin entered the earth, there was a death that started to happen. Right? When I look at the Hebrew, the Hebrew context to Genesis, what was it? Genesis 2. And I think it starts to maybe at 17 where he. Where God says, you know, if you eat of this tree of the. Of the knowledge of good and evil, you will. You will surely die. The Hebrew context, the Hebrew context to that is, is that death will start. There will be a start of death, there will be a spiritual start of death and a physical start of death, right? And an ultimate separation from God. And so we have to understand that because of the first Adam that failed, that fell, that sinned, sin enters the earth and everything was affected. It was no longer perfect because sin came in. But praise God for the second Adam who came, who gave his life, who died on the cross, who rose from the dead and who's coming back, that we can have hope and we can grieve. Because, yes, it's not. It wasn't meant to be this way. No, God did not create Caleb to have autism. He didn't create Caleb to have fragile eggs, just like he didn't create me. Right? To have a failed marriage and to go through trials. And he didn't create you for. Just. For suffering. He didn't create us for that. So, yes, we can grieve and lament things that are. That were never meant to be. Right? But because of Christ, because we have a hope and a faith in him, we don't have to grieve the way the world grieves. Right? What do you mean by that? Well, okay, one Thessalonians, okay, We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, concerning who are asleep, so they. So that you will not grieve like the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again in the same way through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. So although I'm not talking about just a physical death, and. And if you've experienced the death of someone. So this is obviously very relatable in this scripture, but what I want to point to is the fact that we don't grieve like the world so that we will not grieve like the rest who have no hope. So the difference in the world grieving and with us grieving is that we grieve with hope. Hope of what? What do we have hope in? Well, we have hope that. What is this for? Philippians 3. I'm going to show you a few scriptures that give me hope. In Philippians 3, Philippians 3, 21, he will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of his glorious body by the power that enables him to subject everything to Himself. Okay? So we have hope that when Christ comes and he's return, he returns, that we're going to have different bodies. We're going to have glorious bodies. Right? I have a hope that in Revelation 21, Revelation 21:3, then I heard a loud voice from the throne. Look, God dwelling is with humanity. And he will live with them. They will be his people. And God himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more. Grief, grief, crying, pain will be no more because the previous things have passed away. Then the one seated on the throne said, look, I am making everything new so I can have a promise. This is what makes us in first Thessalonians, right? Where he says, we grieve different. This is why we grieve different, because we have hope. We have hope that God is going to make all things new, that Christ is going to return and it will all be new. There will be no more crying, there will be no more weeping. There will be no more grief, there will be no more death. There will be no more autism. There will be no more Fragile X syndrome. There will be no more cancer. There will be no more down syndrome. There will be no more suffering. There will be no more disabilities, there will be no more diseases. There will be no more grief and pain and sorrow. He is going to make all things new. So do I. Does that mean that I don't believe that God can heal Caleb? I believe that God can heal Caleb whenever God wants to heal Caleb. But in the meantime I can still have hope that even if God doesn't heal Caleb on this earth, that God is still a healer and that he still gives me a promise that he's going to make all things new. Do I can have faith in that? And this conversation is extremely hard because you have the world that tells you, you know, well, Caleb's not going to do you know Caleb. I had doctors and therapists. Caleb's never going to do anything. He's never going to know who his parents are, he's never going to know who his siblings are, he's never going to have friends, he's never going to have relationships, he's never going to have a social life, blah blah blah blah blah. That's what the world has told me. Me. And then I have the, the Christians, not all, but a lot who come in these comments that says, oh, you need to have more faith. You need to cast the autism demon out of your son. You need to cast the fragile ex demon out of your son. You need to cast the non verbal demon out of your son. I have the Christians who say that, that, that I just don't have enough faith, that I just need to do X, Y and Z. And let me tell you something, I can't put my hope in either one. I can't put my hope in the world. I can't put my hope into what people say who even say they believe. I can't. I, all I have to do is put my hope in Christ. That's all I know to do. All I know to do is to look at the example and to look at the history of God and know that He's a healer whether he heals everyone on this earth or not. I have to know that he is faithful and just and consistent and he will never allow his word to return to him void. So I have to Believe that I have a hope that is in him and that there will come a day where Caleb will have a perfect body and he will have perfect speech, and there won't be any delays, and there won't be any malfunctions, and there won't be dysfunction, brain, neurological issues or anything. I have to have faith that God is going to make all things new and that when we. And when he returns, we are going to live in eternity where there is no more grief, there is no more sorrow, there is no more suffering, there is no more pain. I have to put my hope and faith in that. And my prayer is that for all of you who are grieving, whether it's grief because your child has autism or grief because you lost that job, or grief because that relationship failed, or grief because that loved one is no longer here. Whatever the grief is, I pray that you know that the grief is you coming into agreement that it was never meant to be this way. But you can grieve and have hope in God at the same time. You don't have to grieve alone. For Christ said, blessed are the. Are the. Are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. He will be your comfort in. In psalms, it says, he's near to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit. There is a nearness that you will only in grief. There's a significant, specific nearness that you experience only in grief. So just know that if you're grieving, he's near, he's close, and he's not going to leave you, and that you can have hope that it will not always be this way. It won't always be this way. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you need to feel what you feel. Heal. David grieved multiple psalms. We see he grieved and he lamented and he was honest with God, but he always had a hope that although I am feeling like this now, I know, Lord, that you are with me. I know that, Lord, you are faithful and that you don't waste anything. And so I can. I can be in this grief. I can. I can lament, I can feel all the things, but I can do that with the Lord. I don't have to do that alone. And so my prayer is that, you know, for a lot of us autism parents and family members, you know, April is not a significant month for us in that way. You know, it's Autism Awareness Month for a lot of us, 365 days a year, we live with the awareness that it wasn't supposed to be. This way we live with a perpetual grief that we have to process all the time. Time where milestones come and it's hard to see. My son's going to be 13. He's still non verbal. There, there, there. There are some of us who just have to live differently with this reality. And it's not easy, but it is much easier to do it with the presence of the Lord. It is much easier to do it with him. And living with hope that it will not always be this way. It just won't. And I'm. And, and, and maybe, you know, maybe easier isn't the best term to use for it. But it does allow me to enjoy my life with Caleb a lot more with hope and expectation that one day he's going to make all things new. I do get to experience a different level of contentment and joy. And I just want to be clear that I've seen Caleb do things that doctors said he would never do. Remember in the beginning of this I told you they said Caleb wouldn't know who his mom and dad is and who his siblings were and he wouldn't have relationship. Well, let me tell you something. Caleb's and had the same girlfriend for about four years now. Her name is Kayla. And he don't play about her. Caleb can go to any picture that has me or any of his family members, his dad, his brothers, Jordan, my mom, anyone. And he can point them out and say who they are, called them by name. Caleb can, has memorized over a hundred sight words, words Caleb can read. He can do tons of things that they said that he would never be able to do. So I am not saying to just not expect God to do miraculous things with them with the awareness that maybe he won't heal. I'm not saying don't live with hope even in this world that he could do miraculous things because I've seen him do do it. I've seen God do miraculous things in my son's life. But I'm also aware that when God, when Paul said that in, in Romans, when, when Paul said that he works all things out for the good of those who love him. He works it out for our good, right? He works the, the bad for the good. That doesn't mean necessarily that you're going to get the very thing that you want like Caleb being able to talk and he magically not having Fragile X syndrome or supernaturally not having Fragile X syndrome anymore or autism anymore. But the good that God works out in our lives is that he makes us more like his Son, he makes us. He causes and leverages some of the painful things that happen to our lives, and he works those things out in us so that. That we look more like Christ. And having Caleb, I don't think I would know the Lord in the way that I know the Lord had I not had a child with two incurable diagnosis. The dependency that it has produced in me, the faith that it has produced in me, I am in constant need of the Lord Word, which makes my intimate intimacy with him greater, which makes my knowledge of him greater, which again turns around and makes me more dependent. So the good that God is working, you know, it may not be the good that you want him to work, but if you lean into him, you lean into his work Word, you lean into the intimate relationship with him, he will make you look more like his son, which is ultimately what he's after. I told you, the Lord is after our holiness, not just our happiness. And so I pray for all of you who are acknowledging Autism Awareness Month. I just wanted to share my experience with grief, and it came in the form of my son having autism and fragile X syndrome. But if you know a family who has a child with autism, you know, the Bible says, mourn with those who are mourning, grieve with those who are grieving. You may not know the right thing to say, but sometimes just being present helps. I even pray that this is a challenge to churches. Listen, when Caleb was diagnosed, it was one out of every 68 kids. Right now in 2025, it is one out of 32. It's getting higher and higher. And so my prayer is that as the church, we be the church. I would challenge some of these churches in America. You know, the ones who may. May not have sensory rooms or maybe even if you have four services or three services, maybe one of those services being dedicated to a sensory, like a sensitive sensory service. That's a lot of S's. Do you know that a lot of Christians who have children with autism don't go to church? Church. A lot of them don't feel welcomed. A lot of them don't feel that they are understood or cared for. A lot of them just simply can't because of how overwhelmed their children get in services where now, you know, everyone has to have lights and loud music and, and laser beams and flat, all the stuff. A lot of kids can't deal with that. But there. But there's also a lot of churches that don't have. Have, you know, a sensory room for kids to go to or even have sensory headphones Maybe that's a thing where we, we. You give out sensory headphones for those children or young adults or adults who cannot sit in services because of loud. Let's give them some headphones. Maybe re reach out to some ABA therap therapists or some occupational therapist or a, a special needs therapist, someone who maybe volunteers a few Sundays a month so that these families can feel like they are part of the community as well. Listen, in the book of Acts, when there was a need in the community, the apostles gathered together through prayer and they selected people to help fit the need. Need. Autism is no different. Special needs children are no different. Special needs families are no different. And so I pray that this challenges every church. And if you're already doing this, because I'm, I'm not saying that there aren't any. I'm sure that there's tons. And I pray that, you know, you list out some churches in the comments. If your church is one of the churches that have sensory sensitive services or a sensory room or special needs therapists or whoever that can help those families, I pray that you list them below and list what state you're in and city and all the things. But if you have a church and this isn't even crossed your mind, maybe it should. Should. Again, one out of every 32 children are getting diagnosed with autism and it's more prevalent in boys. I believe that it is the church's responsibility to take care of its community. And so I am challenging you churches out there to don't forget the autistic families, the autism families days, and don't just remember us in April, but remember them 365 days a year because that's what they have to live with 365 days a year. And so, and for the autism families, moms, dads, siblings, I pray that you know that the Lord wants to be invited into your grief and that your grief isn't ungodly. But it is evident that things aren't as they should be and that you can have hope that they won't always be this way. I pray that you don't resent God, but you see him as the one that is grieving also with you. You just as Christ grieved when he saw Mary and Martha at the tomb of Lazarus. He grieved. He wept knowing that he would make things new, knowing that he would raise Lazarus from the dead. He wept because he knew it wasn't supposed to be this way. He wept because of the bitter anger he had towards sin. So the Lord is grieving with you, he's present with you, he loves you. And as a believer, you can have faith and hope that it won't always be this way. And so just hold on, Ask the Lord to open your eyes, enlighten your heart to the beautiful qualities of your special needs child. I know that I have never experienced more pure love in the way that I have with my Caleb. He is the most kind, tender, loving, very patient, especially with Jordan. He's very patient with her. You would think she's patient with him. He's extremely patient, patient. He's funny. And I have seen so much of God's miracles and faithfulness through the life of my son Caleb. And so, yeah, April is Autism Awareness Month. I. I felt like it was necessary to just express my experience and my history and journey with autism and pray that, you know, people are more kind and compassionate, even for the Christians. Like, be kind and compassionate and remember these families who, you know, need community just like the rest of us, just like the rest of you. And so, yeah, Happy Autism Awareness Month. I pray that it doesn't just last in April, but it's all year round. And I pray that you are encouraged by this episode and especially for those who are grieving that type of diagnosis, I pray that this gives you hope and it encourages you. So I love you guys and I'll see you next week. What's up, you guys? I hope you enjoyed this episode.
- [63:10]
Jordan
Thank you so much for listening and I hope you felt encouraged in some way. Be sure to like and follow in Totality podcast everywhere you listen to your favorite shows. Follow into Tality on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and be sure to turn on your post notifications so that you can be the first to listen whenever there's a new episode.