Podcast Summary: In Totality with Megan Ashley

EP 84: Don't Try This Alone (August 19, 2025)

Overview

This heartfelt and dynamic episode of "In Totality" centers on the deep necessity of community—particularly for Christians navigating pain, trauma, and purpose. Host Megan Ashley is joined by her friend, author, and speaker Toni Collier, whose new book, "Don't Try This Alone," explores the messy, redemptive, and holy journey of healing in community. Their candid, often humorous conversation probes the dangers of isolation, the battle against shame, the power of vulnerability, and practical wisdom for building authentic support systems, especially when one has been deeply hurt. Through transparent storytelling and biblical grounding, Megan and Toni encourage listeners to reject self-sufficiency and let others—and God—walk with them through life's hardest moments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power and Necessity of Authentic Community

• Vulnerability as a Weapon: Toni and Megan agree that real healing requires letting people see your mess and struggles, not just your victories.
  • “This is a weapon to the enemy. When the enemy wants to remind you of what you’ve done, you’ll be like, oh, I already know. I told everybody already.” —Toni (26:39)
• Jesus Modeled Community: The conversation highlights how even Jesus, who didn’t need anyone, chose to do life with flawed disciples, emphasizing we’re not designed for isolation.
  • “If you’re not willing to name it, then you can’t heal it. Name it: what happened to you that keeps you from letting people in?” —Toni (81:39)

2. Concrete Joy vs. Counterfeit Joy

• Distinguishing Genuine Joy: Toni contrasts counterfeit joy (rooted in circumstances and achievements) with concrete joy rooted in God’s unchanging character, referencing her own trials.
  • “Counterfeit joy is that your happiness is rooted in everything humanity can give you… A concrete joy is deeply embedded in the holiness of who God is, which never changes.” —Toni (17:06)

3. The Role of Shame & Honesty

• Shame Isolates; Honesty Heals: They discuss how shame breeds secrecy and isolation—tools the enemy uses to stunt believers’ growth—while confession and honesty spark freedom.
  • “If you try to block out your past, you will not see redemption.” —Toni (26:13)
• Owning Brokenness: Toni shares raw aspects of her story (sexual brokenness, addiction, spiritual manipulation) and how naming these things fosters true healing and gives God space to redeem.

4. Healthy Community Requires Holiness & Boundaries

• Biblical Foundation: Community is not just emotional but a scriptural mandate, modeled from the Trinity down through biblical figures (Jesus and the disciples, Ruth and Naomi, Moses and Aaron).
• Boundaries are Essential: Not everyone deserves equal access—Jesus himself had inner circles (e.g., Peter, James, John) and broader circles, and so should we.
  • “He modeled what it looks like to have boundaries, to bring people close, to keep people at bay, and to still be kind.” —Toni (70:17)

5. The Four S’s of Healthy Community

Toni breaks down Dr. Curt Thompson's “Four S’s” as fundamental needs in relationships and healthy community:

• Seen: Feeling truly noticed and valued.
• Soothed: Receiving comfort, not just advice.
• Safe: Trusting that your story will be held with care.
• Secure: Knowing you belong even with your flaws. - “We’re not creating safe spaces… we should be being a safe person so that we can create safety for people.” —Toni (77:07)

6. Practical Insights on Building & Maintaining Community

• Community Before Crisis: Toni attributes her survival and thriving post-betrayal to having already established deep friendships before crisis struck.
  • “I was on the offense, not the defense. When tragedy hit, I did not have to muster up a group of people to help me. They were right there, figuratively and literally.” —Toni (39:04)
• Ask for Help—Accept Help: Both women talk about how hard it was to let others serve and support them, but how opening up to this was crucial in their healing.
  • “I think it takes a level of faith and a level of humility… I actually have humility. I’m humble enough to accept the help.” —Toni (64:11)
• Honest Conversations Grow Friendships: Be upfront about needs and desires for deeper friendships; don’t assume intimacy, but invite it with clarity and grace.

7. Witness & Impact: Healing in Community

• Being a Living Testimony: Responding to public pain with grace and healthy boundaries can be a witness to believers and nonbelievers alike of God’s redemptive power.
• Overflowing Support: Sharing even the embarrassing, messy details of your story gives others courage to bring their darkness into the light—and find freedom.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” —Toni (13:41)
• “When you return with just the intention to be a servant, not accepting your sonship, that’s a kind of false humility—the Lord exposed my heart on that.” —Megan Ashley (19:38)
• “Jesus was betrayed, and he did not allow the betrayal to keep him from loving the others.” —Toni (41:03)
• “If you act like you don’t need people, you’re working against your design.” —Toni (81:14)
• “You gotta let people love you. They’ll cover you. They will cover your babies when you can’t.” —Toni (64:01)
• “Shame is the scheme of the enemy for sure. That’s why… we have to expose [secrets] and put them out into the light.” —Toni (31:26)
• On humility in friendships: “I will never forget what it looks like to be humble enough to say, ‘you’re right’.” —Toni (56:00)
• The Four S's: “Be seen, soothed, safe, and secure… We need safe people, that’s what really matters.” —Toni (75:43–77:07)

Timestamps of Key Moments

• Authenticity & Joy through Suffering: 09:31–14:41
• Concrete vs. Counterfeit Joy: 16:58–17:48
• The Impact of Shame: 25:53–27:23
• Jesus’ Example in Community: 39:04–43:40
• Letting People Love You—the Four S’s: 74:41–79:17
• Practical Journal Prompt: 81:39

Journal Prompt from Toni’s Book

“What happened to you that keeps you from letting people in? Name it, because if you’re not willing to name it, then you can’t heal it.” (81:39)

Conclusion

Megan and Toni’s honest, hilarious, and deeply spiritual conversation makes clear: We are not meant to navigate pain, betrayal, healing, or faith journeys alone. Their stories reveal the transformative power of gospel-centered community, gracious boundaries, and the humility to not just give, but receive love. For anyone who has been wounded by relationships, church, or shame—this episode offers hope that God redeems and restores, not despite others, but often through them.

Listen for:

• Biblical reminders that even Jesus had (and needed) close friends
• Candid confessions about the difficulty of forgiveness and humility after betrayal
• Practical advice for building and maintaining authentic relationships

Don’t Try This Alone—your healing, joy, and purpose are found not in isolation, but among God’s people, in totality.