← In Totality with Megan Ashley
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- [00:01]
Audible Narrator
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- [00:45]
Megan Ashley
Listen, if you've been blessed by In Totality the podcast, then I want to personally invite you to go deeper by joining our Patreon community called the Village. Every Tuesday morning, the Village members get early access to the full episode of the podcast two two days before it drops publicly on YouTube. So while everyone else is waiting, you're already soaking it in. But that's just the beginning. As a Village member, you get exclusive access to the In Totality docu series. It's a behind the scenes look at how I walk on my faith in real life. No filters, no fluff, just real moments of me trusting the Lord, processing life and growing in truth. We also do live book club club zoom calls where we read and grow together in the Word. I'm not just talking at you worth walking through it together, asking questions, wrestling through scriptures, learning to follow Christ more fully. You know, like that Romans 12. You'll also get bonus content, extra conversations with podcast guests that go even deeper, plus moments that didn't make it to the episode but were just too good not to share. And one more thing. When you join the Village, you get first access to merch before drops public. So if you love the message and you want to rep the movement, you'll get first dibs every time. But more than the content, the Village is about community. It's a safe place for believers to connect and grow and be reminded that you're not doing this walk alone. You're a part of something real. We're building something special and we would love for you to be a part. So hit pause, go to www.patreon.com meganashley and join today and I'll meet what's up you Guys, welcome back to another episode of In Totality. So this week is going to be a little bit different. I just came on first to greet you and welcome you back to another episode this week. But this week, I'm actually going to take you back to January, the beginning of the year, when I was invited to speak at a women's conference in Kingston, Jamaica. I was so honored to be there. And I remember that morning just going before the Lord and having such a burden for our hearts to return to the Lord fully. And so I want to read this scripture because I feel like this scripture kind of just encompasses everything that we talked about in that conversation. So this is out of Psalms. This is Psalms 1:19, and I'm going to start with verse 10. It says, I have sought you with all of my heart. Don't let me wander from your commands. I have treasured your word in my heart so that I may not sin against you, Lord. Lord, may you be blessed. Teach me your statues. And so in this conversation in Jamaica, we were talking about just really having a heart for the Lord and having him have all of our affections and all of our desires and not treating him as common and remembering that he is holy. And so as you listen to this conversation, I just pray that you ask yourself some hard questions that you wrestle, that you have conversations with the Lord about where your heart really is. Does the Lord have all of your affections? Is there areas in your relationship with the Lord where you've treated him as common? Like I, I, I want you to wrestle through those, those questions as you listen to this conversation. I hope it bless you if it does, send it to somebody that you know it might also bless. And yeah, I just hope you enjoy this conversation. I love you guys.
- [04:33]
And I'll see you next week. I, I want you to think about the thing that you want the most and imagine God says no. And then imagine him asking you, will you still serve me? If we are not vigilant about allowing the Lord to search our hearts, we are going to miss it. Nobody should be able to have your affections more than him. You say that prayer sincerely and you keep praying. I'm telling you, it will radically change your life.
- [05:15]
Event Host / Interviewer
Please help me, babe. Welcome to this platform. Megan, Ashley, and of course, this ignited woman, Alicia. Welcome to Share Stage at this time. Hi. Hi, everybody. Can we have a little promotion? Where is Megan? You can have a scene. It's not Alyssa Walters. It's Alyssa Moulton White. I'm sorry to be late, and I am so happy to Be back. But I look good, as usual. But I look cute. You look thriving. So, Megan, Ashley is one of those persons who I've seen you cry so many times. I feel like I know you very, very well. And one of the things that you're so big on is vulnerability. And that's where I want to start. It's the beginning of the year. How many of us have had a rough start?
- [06:26]
Megan Ashley
Rough.
- [06:27]
Event Host / Interviewer
Some of us have not. Who has not had a rough start? This is great.
- [06:31]
Megan Ashley
We give God. Thanks.
- [06:32]
Event Host / Interviewer
Breen, tell me about what vulnerability means to you and why it's so close to your heart.
- [06:40]
Megan Ashley
I think I had just always been a sensitive person. Like, I am super emotional. I've always been that way. I feel things really deeply. And I was raised by a woman who was just very honest. And so vulnerability just kind of came natural for me. And with my platform, I've noticed how much it's opened up people's hearts to.
- [07:10]
Event Host / Interviewer
Be vulnerable with the Lord. Speaking about vulnerability. And part of your vulnerability, part of what you speak about on a regular basis is your children.
- [07:19]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. Yeah.
- [07:21]
Event Host / Interviewer
We're all, almost all women here. Some of us mothers, some of us wives, some of us want to be mothers. But you have a unique situation in motherhood. Can you talk about that?
- [07:30]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. So I have three boys. Any boy moms? Anybody? I absolutely love being a boy mom. I love it so much. And I have a 14 year old who is towering over me. His name is Eli. And for all. Anybody? Teenage boys. Anybody? Teenage boys. I'm in that.
- [07:56]
Event Host / Interviewer
I'm surprised that everybody's screaming from what? I'm a girl mom, three girls. And my eldest is 14. And boy moms have a very difficult task, but teenage boys in particular.
- [08:07]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. He's like, he, like, has like a manly voice now and like, he's like his chin hair and like, it's weird. It's weird right now. But he is, he's the one that changed my life. And then, and then I have Caleb, who is, he'll be 13 this, this year, which is crazy to me. But he is my child who was diagnosed with autism and fragile X. Anybody have ever heard of fragile X syndrome? Okay, I didn't. I, I, I never heard of it until my son was diagnosed. And so basically what that is is that for us as women, we have two X chromosomes. Right. For men, they have an X and a Y chromosome. And so there is a dysfunction in the X chromosome which the Y chromosome cannot make up for. And so he does not have the protein that produces brain development. So When Caleb was 2, he was diagnosed with autism, and then a year later, he was diagnosed with fragile egg syndrome.
- [09:10]
Event Host / Interviewer
What does that all mean in terms of the way you care for him and what do you have to learn or relearn as a mother?
- [09:18]
Megan Ashley
So if anyone's ever watched or followed my journey, I talked about Caleb a lot because he really did change. Like, he changed my spiritual life. I wanted him so badly. Like, so badly. I had had Eli, my ex husband, and I had him before we were married. And so I grew up in church. Any church kids, Anybody, like, grew up in church, like, all the time? Yeah, I was that kid that grew up in church all the time. My mom had me in prayer services and, you know, the meetings at the homes where they were. The women were praying all night and the kids were upstairs falling asleep everywhere. Like, I grew up in church, and to get pregnant before I was married came with a lot of shame. And. And when once I finally. And my ex husband finally got married, I was like, okay, we're married now. We're in, right? Standing with the Lord. Let's have a baby. And that will make up for the child that I had out of wedlock. And so I'm like, begging God for this baby. I'm like, God, give me this baby, please. I, like, we tried to get pregnant. I couldn't get pregnant over a year and a half and tried, and I just kept begging God, begging God. And at the time, our church was going through a series called Contending for the Faith out of the Book of Jude. And so I was praying and praying and praying. And I remember in church, I was praying, begging God with all of my heart, like, please give me this baby. Please give this baby. And I felt in sense that I heard him so clearly say, don't ask me again. And I was like, in Jamaica, we.
- [10:55]
Event Host / Interviewer
Call it a backup.
- [10:59]
Megan Ashley
Okay. Yeah, that's what it was. It was like, don't. And I was like, well, I mean, the Bible says pray without ceasing. And, you know, like, why would I. Why would, you know, make your request known? And he was like, I heard you. Don't ask me again. Pray for someone else. And so I started praying for other women who I knew were trying to have a baby as well. And so I prayed for them. And this was. Oh, my gosh, I want to say this was at the end of the year, so it had to be like, November, December, and then in January or February, I found out I was pregnant the next month, the next Two months, the two women that I was praying for also got pregnant. So we got pregnant back to back to back. And so I had this baby and he is. I'm like, I finally got pregnant with a child that I wanted. I begged God, I prayed, I believe week. I, you know, and I got this baby and I was just in heaven. I did all the things, the baby shower and the, you know, I painted the rooms and I prepared and got all ready for Caleb and he came out with these ice blue eyes, the.
- [12:03]
Most beautiful child I'd ever seen in my life.
- [12:06]
And here we are two years later, and he's not hitting milestones, he's not crawling, he's not walking, he's not battling, he's not doing any of those things. Did you.
- [12:18]
Event Host / Interviewer
How soon after he was born did you recognize that? And I ask these questions because I know there may be some educators in the room. There may be mothers who have special needs children or nieces, nephews, that kind of thing. How soon? And I've often heard also that people are blinded to some of the things that are not happening and no one to notice it.
- [12:39]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. I think as mothers we can all identify with this idea that we are going like the idea that we have of the child that we're carrying. Right. And never ever do you think anything is going to be wrong. Right. So you have this beautiful vision of your child, just like with Caleb. I had this beautiful vision of Caleb and I saw him running around and playing football and playing a sport and talking and birthday parties and all these things. And so then when you are faced with the reality that that is not the case, what happens is you are thrust into grief. And so a lot of times people think that you can only grieve something that is dead. Well, guess what? What you imagined in your head is dead. It doesn't mean that you don't have hope. And it doesn't mean that God can't do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever ask or think he resurrection power. So I know if he rose Christ from the dead, he can certainly make my son talk. Right? Right. But the reality is, is that what happens when he doesn't read your word? Jesus didn't heal everybody. Does that make him less of who he says that he is? Does it mean that the resurrection power is no longer because he didn't decide to do what you wanted him to do when you wanted him to do it? No. Now you are faced with a task like my mother was faced with a task which she had me I'm her only daughter. And she said that she used to be so filled with anxiety about me that God told her one day, he said, he said, yvette, that's my mom's name, Yvette. He said, yvette, I want you to go in your mind and I want you to imagine Megan in a casket. Whoa. He said, I want you to picture her dead, your only child. And then he said to her, will you still serve me? Now I want everyone to do the same thing. It may not be the child, but I want you to think about the thing that you want the most, the thing that you desire the most, the thing that has your heart, the thing that has your affection go in your mind and imagine God says no. And then imagine him asking you, will you still serve me? Will you still believe that I am who I say that I am? And I think sometimes that we often have to ask ourselves that because what happens is it reveals your heart. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all, who can know it but God? The Bible says that the issues of life flow from the heart. What we have to understand is that your heart hides from you.
- [15:44]
Event Host / Interviewer
Could you expand on that?
- [15:46]
Megan Ashley
Your heart, because it's deceitful. So, so we're not always aware of the motives of our heart unless we ask God to search it. I don't always know the motives of my heart. Right, right. That's why the Bible says that. That the word is sharper than any two edged sword. It the intentions of the heart. That's why, that's why people stay away from this book. That's why you stay away from it. You don't want to be faced with the reality that you are utterly dependent on him. You want to do it yourself. You want to do it your way. And this here, it cuts to the heart of that. And so just like with my son Caleb, I was faced with the reality that God if my son, because my son is non verbal. Well, we, we have this thing in our house where we say he's not non verbal, he's just non like. He doesn't, he's not conversational. I'll say that he doesn't really want to have a conversation, but he says words here and there. But I had to be faced with the reality just like my mother had to be faced with the reality when God brought it to her attention. If Caleb never talks, do you still love me? Am I still lord over your life? Do you still believe that I am? That I say that I am and I Think if we could practice. That's why when David said, search my heart, oh, Lord, right, That's. That is search my heart. And if you find any wickedness in me, if you find anything that is not pleasing to you, gut it out of me. Because I want to love you from a pure place. And I want. And that, that puts you in the position that you are seeking him and not just his hand. Does that make sense what I'm saying? Does that make sense, what I'm saying?
- [17:43]
Event Host / Interviewer
I want you to understand that you know, that silence, because it's landing.
- [17:48]
Megan Ashley
No, I'm not afraid of silence. Trust me.
- [17:50]
Event Host / Interviewer
Landing.
- [17:51]
Megan Ashley
I'm not afraid of silence. But I. But I. But this is the thing that I really feel so strongly on my heart this year, is that if we are not vigilant about allowing the Lord to search our hearts, we are going to miss it. We're going to miss it.
- [18:14]
Event Host / Interviewer
What does that look like? You say this is something that's been on your heart this year. What does it look like to allow the Lord to search your heart to. For you?
- [18:23]
Megan Ashley
Well, I'll just say for me, this, this past two, a couple weeks ago, my church, we did a week of consecration. And so we fasted and, and prayed for seven days. And so last year when our church did it, I was like, you know, my pastor, he goes like, if you. He's from, he's from New York.
- [18:48]
Event Host / Interviewer
So he's real.
- [18:49]
Megan Ashley
He spoke at you. He's like, he's like, yo, you want to be a G like me? That's how he talks. Like, if you want to be a G like me, you know, you going to go seven days, no food, seven days. I was like, well, I am G. I am not a G. I'm doing a three days. So last year I did three days, no food. And then I, you know, I did the baby's ass. I'm just do three days. But this year I felt so strongly, conviction, like. And this is what I felt like the Lord said to me, because I was like trying to get away with the three days. And he said, the degree of what you need me for, the answers that you need from me is the degree of how you need to see me. And I was like, dang. So he said, the degree of what you need me for is the degree of how you need to see me. The severity of what you need me for is the severity of how you need to fast and pray this time. And that was so convicting to me because I needed him and I still need him. For some really big stuff. Some really big stuff. And I'm not talking about tangible things. I'm talking about my heart. I need him to change some stuff in me. And so I was like, all right, cool. So we did this fast. And what I realized on those days, and what I really encourage you to do, too, is if the Lord is calling you into consecration, if the Lord is calling you to himself and drawing you to Himself, I want to. I want to place this before you. Posture matters. And I'm telling you, I have been on my face every single day before the Lord. Now, I used to not think that that was a big deal because I would be in my bed, crying, comfy, cozy. Because, Lord, you hear me, you hear my thoughts, you hear, like, I don't. I. It didn't matter that I had gotten up. But there's something. Something different about when you get on your knees and you get on your face. Because what you. What that says is, is that I have now seen stepped in the presence of a holy God. And what better posture does he deserve than bowing before Him? I started to realize that this conversation is the most miraculous thing that I could ever experience. Because a holy God is making himself available to me. And this is the thing. When you treat it as common, you'll live common. But when you realize that he's holy, holy, holy. Who's read Isaiah 6, right? They could have said anything. Angels could have said anything. There's so many attributes of the Lord. He's wonderful, he's glorious, he's righteous, he's loving, he's caring, he's gracious. But they don't say that. They say he's holy, which means he is separate and set apart from everything. And that is the foundation of all of his attributes. His love is separate. His grace is separate. His mercy is separate. It's separate. There's nothing that can stand beside it. He's holy. And when you, like Isaiah, have a true encounter with him. What does Isaiah say? He says, whoa, I am ruined, for I am a man of unclean lips. And it's so interesting to me because Isaiah doesn't. He doesn't confess something that we would say is a big sin. He doesn't say, I'm an adulterous man. He doesn't say I'm a wicked man. He says, I am a man of unclean lips. God was after the things he was saying out of his mouth, which told me that God is after everything. And so during this time of consecration, I have realized that the greatest miracle that I have ever encountered with the Lord. And I say this, and I mean it's. If my son were to talk tomorrow, it wouldn't be the greatest miracle I've ever seen. If my son talks, it would not be. If my son became a mathematician, it wouldn't be the greatest miracle I ever seen. Do you want to know the greatest miracle I've ever seen? It's me. I am the greatest miracle I have ever seen. And it's not the things that I have done. It's because a holy God change me. If you think about it, think about it. You are incapable of changing your heart. You can't even reach it. Only he can do that. And so when I think about the greatest miracle I have ever experienced in my life, it's that a holy God, a merciful God, changed my heart. I am. I am. I am without God, manipulative and angry and moody. I am incapable of fixing that. But when I surrendered my life to him, I started to see, oh, my God, I want to forgive. I want everything I do. I want to please him. I started to think about him all the time. I started to consider. Consider him in all of my ways. I didn't do that. He did that. And for you, you're the greatest miracle you'll ever experience. A intimacy with the Lord and allowing him to change your heart is the greatest thing that you'll ever see. I don't care how many millions your company makes. I don't. It's not the greatest miracle you ever see. I don't care what contract you sign. It's not the greatest miracle you've ever seen. And I don't care what man magically comes into your life and scoops you off your feet. It's not the greatest miracle you've ever seen. It's not. It's that a God who is holy and set apart chose to come after you. Think about that. Think about it. He chased you down. He loves you relentlessly. Does that make sense? Does that make sense?
- [25:44]
Event Host / Interviewer
It makes perfect sense. And I am taken aback, I will be honest, by you saying that your son speaking would not be the greatest miracle you've ever seen. But you've explained it perfectly. So much so that I feel like I really need. You know when you want to look in the mirror a little bit differently now? Do you feel that way? Yeah. You want to look in the mirror a little bit differently now and think of this holy God and the fact that he wants to even visit with us, even in this room right now, now we were Talking backstage about. And I could listen to you forever, actually, in totality. But we were talking backstage about community, and I heard you on RJR saying, I didn't even know that Jamaicans listened to me or knew who I was. I know. So she. And she still is surprised. You're still surprised that so many people know who you are. Does that. What is that for Terrifying? Is it?
- [26:54]
Megan Ashley
Whoa.
- [26:54]
Event Host / Interviewer
I have international impact, not just community, because I know community impact is McFree.
- [27:00]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. I. I think that I. I think that it's just mind blowing how God has set up my life. And I think that it wasn't something that I was looking to accomplish. And so there is. There is great humility that, you know, I get to share, you know, my experience with the Lord with so many amazing and beautiful people. And. And it does terrify me because, you know, to whom much is given, which is required, you know, there is a cost. And in God's mercy, I think he knew what it would take to make you live a holy life.
- [27:51]
Event Host / Interviewer
I. I want to come back. You said that there's a cost. Yeah. To share your life, to be as vulnerable as you are, to talk about your journey, not just with your podcast, but you. You do. You're here in Kingston, Jamaica. You're. You're certainly across the United States. Talk to us about not. I don't want to use the word challenge. It feels so cliche. But what has it cost you?
- [28:17]
Megan Ashley
Oh, man, it's cost me everything. And to be honest, I think that if we were honest, you know, that is what it means to be a follower of Christ. Like, he requires everything. He comes after everything. And I'm. I'm realizing that more in this season of my life than I think I've ever realized. But it's like you are. You want everything. And when you think about his holiness and you think about what he did by sending his son to die on the cross, and I think sometimes we. We think that this was like. Like our salvation is like a group project. But your sins. Put him on the cross.
- [29:13]
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- [30:56]
He did that for you individually. It wasn't just a collective thing. He thought of you personally. He thought of you. And so the only Romans 12 has been my like thing this year. And that's all I, I'm obsessed with reading Romans 12 right now because it definitely gives you just. If you want to know what it's like to be a serious Christian, there's Romans 12 for you. Read it over and over and over again. There's your blueprint right there and it says that we are supposed to present ourselves as a living sacrifice. And then it goes on to say it is your reasonable service. It is your. Or another translation says it is your true worship. And so what that is telling me is that all lovely people, you is the least that you can do for him. Giving your life to Christ in totality is the least that you can do. And I know that we think we are all so great and God, look, I'm at this conference. I, I go to church.
- [32:15]
Event Host / Interviewer
I did what you told me.
- [32:16]
Megan Ashley
I have. I, I say I love you in my Instagram bio.
- [32:20]
Event Host / Interviewer
I fasted.
- [32:21]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, I prayed. I mean I prayed for 10 minutes. I read a scripture on the Bible app. We think that that's enough. You treat him as common because you forget that he's holy. And, and here's the thing, and this is what I felt like the Lord was telling me today as I was preparing this morning. And just, and what my preparation looks like is spending time with him because he knows all of your hearts.
- [32:50]
Event Host / Interviewer
I don't.
- [32:52]
Megan Ashley
And so I seek him to know what to say to you. And so as I'm seeking him, I felt like the Lord was like, you are either going to deal with your heart now in mercy or you deal with it later in judgment. You either be faced with the reality, come to terms that all of you in your reasonable service, come to terms with it now, or face the judgment later. I don't say that to, to. To make anyone fearful. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you that time is running out. I would be doing you a disservice and I would not be loving him if I did not tell you and urge you and admonish you just like Paul did. He said, therefore, brothers, I beseech you. He's begging them. He goes on from Romans 1 all the way to Ro up until Romans 12. And he talks about the mercy of God and he talks about the goodness of God, and he talks about the judgment of God. And he says, therefore, because of everything I just told you, present yourself as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable, for it is your reasonable service. You should come to no other conclusion but that he deserves all of you. That's the conclusion that you should come to. And that's what I feel in this time like how Paul did. I just want to beg you, you that he deserves it all, all of it, not a little bit of it. But he deserves everything. Everything. And as we were fasting, I heard the Lord say, or I sensed that he said, I'm very careful. I'm not like these tick tock prophets that be like. And I don't try to sanctify every thought that I had. But I did sense that the Lord said that when I was asking him about how I should fast, if I should do three days or seven days, I felt like he said, the completion of my promise is dependent on the completion of your obedience. God doesn't work in partials. He's a full and complete God. And so I think sometimes that if we would be honest with ourselves and realize that some of the frustrations in life that you're dealing with is because you're not obedient. It doesn't have any. Listen, I go to conferences, I've been to so many conferences and I've seen so many business conferences and so many things and people just want to get in the room and they want to get in the room and they want to hear their favorite person talk and give them the 10 steps. Steps to make a million. And all the things. And we neglect to get in front of the one who knows it all, the one who says, for I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. We neglect that room and we chase all the other rooms, but we neglect to be in the room with the one who created us, the one who has the plans and the purpose for us. And so if the. Megan, what are you saying? The conferences are bad? Absolutely not. But it should not have your affections more than him. It should not have your attention more than him. It should not. Nobody should be able to have your affections more than him. Because when you stand before him, you're going to stand before him, the Holy One, not anyone else. You're going to stand before him. And so, again, I, I, I beg you. I beg you, go. You may not do it here, but when you go home tonight, when you're driving back home, when you find time for you and just by yourself, think about it. God, have I done my reasonable service? Have I given you everything right? Have I given you all areas of my heart? I. I don't know. Do you guys have Airbnbs out here? You know what area? Okay, we have. We have a lot of Airbnb. I've been to a lot of Airbnbs, and sometimes I would go to these Airbnbs and they would have certain rooms locked, right? It would be like a closet that they would have, like, locks. Like, you can't go in there. And they would have, like, you know, a room that was locked. And I realized that that's how a lot of us are with our hearts. Is that the. The Lord. And he wants. He wants to come in, and we're like, no, not that room. Oh, the shame. No, I don't want you to touch that. The sexual abuse. Don't touch that. The unforgiveness. No, don't touch that. But my finances. Oh, you can have that. My business. Oh, yeah, go ahead and text that. Right? My relationship. Oh, yeah, give me a man. But my unforgiveness. No, I need to hold on to that. My bitterness. No, I need to hold on to that.
- [38:29]
Event Host / Interviewer
Megan, I have a question. You said a lot just now, but even as you speak about that space where the Airbnb is a great example, that section, the shame you spoke about that with getting back, getting pregnant outside of wedlock, the bitterness, the unforgiveness. And I need to hold on to it. That is a very real thing for many women. Not just women. I mean, men as well. But it's very, very real. What did you do along your journey to not. I wouldn't say overcome, but God. Take this part. Yeah, I seem to be very, very open.
- [39:18]
Megan Ashley
So, yeah, Unforgiveness. Anybody deal with unforgiveness? Who could be honest? Yeah, it's hard, right? It's very hard. It's probably one of the hardest things to do. And I think I was talking about this with. With my friend Jackie, and I was like, you know, anybody know Jackie up here?
- [39:42]
Event Host / Interviewer
As a matter of fact, just in case she might see this. You want to say hi, Jackie?
- [39:46]
Megan Ashley
Hi.
- [39:48]
Event Host / Interviewer
Tell her J said hi.
- [39:50]
Megan Ashley
She said, come next year. We were talking about unforgiveness, and. And I think what I realized as we were discussing is like, you know, we hold on to unforgiveness because we all know that we are created in the image of Christ, right? We're created in his image and likeness. And part of his likeness is what Justice. And so we hold on to unforgiveness because we feel like that is justice. Because if I hold on, if I let this go, who's going to pay for that? But God requires us to forgive. And so you ask, how do you do that? One thing that you have to understand is it's too big for you to do. You are incapable of getting yourself to forgive someone. It's too big for you. And so that was the first step to the freedom that I've experienced, is the acknowledgment that I can't do it. It's too big. And so what does that look like the most simple thing that you could ever pray? Lord, I am holding on to unforgiveness. Help me forgive. That's is the most simple thing. And I know that we are so enamored with all the mystical and magical things right now in Christian need, a prophet to prophesy and do. And we. We want all. And I'm telling y' all, simple. I confess. Lord, help me. It will radically change your life. It's that simple. God, I am angry at this person. This is what they did to me. I don't think it's fair. And let's. And let's be honest. God, I'm mad at you about it. I'm mad you allowed it. You think he's intimidated by that? He's not. Because he already knows. He already knows you're mad at him. He's not Intimidated by that. But the confession of it gives him access to touch it and heal it and restore it. So unforgiveness is too big for you, so allow him to do it for you. Giving yourself a pure heart is too big for you. Allow him to do that. Having pure bonus is too big for you. Allow him to do that. Come to him and be honest and confess. That's where your freedom is. Your confession will unlock the freedom. But you have to confess and you have to acknowledge and admit that you need him. And watch. I'm telling you, I would be willing to put anything on it. You say that prayer sincerely and you keep praying. I'm telling you, it will radically change your life.
- [43:04]
Event Host / Interviewer
Thank you for that. We only have about four minutes left before we have to end this conversation, but I. You mentioned Jackie Hill Perry as your friend. I know community's big for you. How do you choose your community? How do you curate your space so that. I mean, I'm listening to you. I look at you. You look well. Do you. You sound like you're thriving, but that must take a very specific set of people around you. Am I correct?
- [43:45]
Megan Ashley
Yeah.
- [43:45]
Event Host / Interviewer
How do you curate your space?
- [43:47]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. I think that I've learned over this last year that I don't trust myself.
- [44:01]
Over the last couple years.
- [44:03]
I don't trust leave with me anymore. I just don't. I've looked and taken inventory of my life, and I. I never. I. I don't do well with me. And so. And I think that this is why the Bible says in Proverbs to trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own. Understand? Understanding. And I noticed that he says to trust him. He never tells us to trust ourselves. He never tells us to trust anyone else. He says, trust him. And so when I look at that scripture and then I look at Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all of his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. That tells me that I should put all of my trust in him. I should seek to please him in all my ways. And everything that I desire that he places on my heart, he will bring. The Lord wants us in community, right? He wants us in community. It's not good for man to be alone. He wasn't talking about romantically, just romantic relationships. It's not good for any of us to be alone. And so because he is a loving and caring father, I have seen. Seen out of my own life that he brings people in, that he brings them to you like he brings. I. Jackie is from St. Louis. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. There's no reason why we would have ever met each other. And we did. And it was like this knitting of hearts, like this Jonathan and David, like we knit our hearts together. But I wasn't seeking friendship. I wasn't seeking. I was seeking God. I was seeking Him. I lost my friend of 20 years, and it was devastating. And I lost my. I was married and my marriage was over and. And it was devastating. So much loss in one moment of my life. And one month.
- [46:13]
Event Host / Interviewer
So much loss. Did you say one month?
- [46:15]
Megan Ashley
It was a month. Yeah. I moved into my new home, became a single mom. My friendship ended all in one month. And I remember that my only focus was him. I wasn't seeking a man. I wasn't seeking friends. I was seeking God. And in seeking him, he was so kind and merciful that he brought and sustained such a beautiful community in my life. I have the most amazing people in my life that love me, that pray for me, that lift up my arms when I can't, who love my children, who intercede, who fast. We talk about the things like, I cannot imagine my life without that community. And they helped me and they strengthened me and they encouraged me and they make me want to love God more. What a beautiful testimony of seeking first the kingdom of God, nothing else. I was just seeking him. And he brought amazing people. And I, you know, I'm beyond grateful.
- [47:29]
Event Host / Interviewer
And we are beyond grateful for you being here. You are the host of In Totality. We spoke about the fact that you're on a little break until March, is it?
- [47:40]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, ish.
- [47:41]
Event Host / Interviewer
Yeah, something like that. And you, are you enjoying the journey?
- [47:45]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, I am. I. I think that is. Are there any content creators? You have any content creators?
- [47:54]
Event Host / Interviewer
Just a moment, ladies. Content creation is not just the people who walk up and down with a tick tock camera and have them selfie stick. If you're a content creator, you might just go a little read one or two time. When you go church, you visit, praise and worship content creators once again. Any content creators in the room?
- [48:15]
Megan Ashley
Yes.
- [48:15]
Event Host / Interviewer
Good job.
- [48:16]
Megan Ashley
So content creation is a big thing, especially in America. It's a huge thing. I think that I got to a place and I talked about it on my podcast, but I got to a place where, when I started to do In Totality, I started to do the podcast.
- [48:33]
Event Host / Interviewer
Well, for.
- [48:35]
Megan Ashley
From May of 2023 all the way till September, September, late September, I spent every single day with the Lord. And when I say every single day, I mean like I was in my Office every day for hours with him, reading scripture, praying, lamenting. Anybody know how to lament? Like, that's a thing you can actually do that. That's totally fine. Just lament. Just cry and say all the things that's okay. And. And so I started the podcast, and we're doing the podcast. And. And. And something happened where I was going to the Lord about the podcast, like I was going to him, but it was to get content for the podcast. And the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, this is not intimacy. You're using me for content. This is no longer intimate. And it convicted me so bad because before, I was just seeking him because I wanted to know him and because I felt like this platform was so important that, you know, I have to have something to say, and I have to have something to say. And I feel like the Lord was like, if you just love me and seek me, you'll always have something to say. You don't have to just come to me so that you can have something to say, but if you just genuinely seek me, you'll always have something to say. And so being away from the podcast is. Is part of that. Healthy. Healthy. It helps me have a healthy relationship with the Lord, that I'm taking time away to just be with him, and that I'm resting because we need to rest. Rest is holy, right? I know everybody is in grind. Like, we're in the grind culture. Grind it out. You can sleep in your bed, but the Lord says, rest. You have to rest. It's holy and good for you to do so. And so this season, right now, I'm just resting. I'm just enjoying my kids. I'm just enjoying reading scripture and finding new revelations and just writing about it. I'm enjoying spending time with my community. I'm enjoying watching Grey's Anatomy for whatever reason. You guys don't have that. I can't watch it here for whatever reason, but I'm enjoying their ways. Like, I'm enjoying simple things. I'm enjoying cooking. I'm enjoying, you know, well, he like to cook. I don't actually like to cook, but I have three kids. I hate cooking, actually. Anybody? Let's keep it real. If you don't like cooking, okay?
- [51:20]
Event Host / Interviewer
The room is good.
- [51:21]
Megan Ashley
It's like, you have to like cooking. I don't. I'm not a chef. I don't want to cook. I don't like it. It's stressful. There's three boys. They all have their own thing they want. Everybody wants something different. It's too Much pressure. I know I did. But I do know how to cook very well. Don't get it twisted. I don't like it, but I do know how to cook.
- [51:41]
Event Host / Interviewer
Ladies, put your hands together for Megan Ashley.
- [51:50]
Megan Ashley
Now.
- [51:52]
Event Host / Interviewer
I have to get from the organizers whether or not we can take a quest beyond. She is. Would you like. You're still okay with taking questions? Yeah. And there is a lady with a mask on. She's waving so frantically at me. I beg her by the do.
- [52:19]
Megan Ashley
Hello, good day, my name is.
- [52:21]
Event Host / Interviewer
I'm to Jamaica. Thank you so much for coming. I'm a Microsoft voice to you.
- [52:27]
Megan Ashley
When you spoke about unforgiveness, right.
- [52:29]
Event Host / Interviewer
And you may have mentioned that inside of us, like in our flesh, we want justice because of what God says.
- [52:37]
Megan Ashley
So what does forgiveness, in a very.
- [52:39]
Event Host / Interviewer
Practical way, what does it look like for you?
- [52:41]
Megan Ashley
Because if you cut something, like if.
- [52:44]
Event Host / Interviewer
I forgive you, but I don't talk to you anymore, how does forgiveness look to you? In a very practical way.
- [52:52]
Megan Ashley
So I think practically forgiveness is. Is relinquishing, right? The holding someone to what they did, right. So like that justice thing, like you have to pay for that. So that forgiveness is that. I think that if we look in. I think it's in the book of Matthew. Like the Lord gives us very clear instructions on how we can have an ought with someone and what that process looks like. The Bible also says that as best you can live at peace, peace with all men. So I think that asking the Lord, right? Confessing and saying, lord, I. I'm being. I'm holding on to unforgiveness, right? And allowing him to. To heal you and help you with that and then. And then trying to be at peace with someone, doing all that you can to have reconciliation. And I think after you've done all. All of those things, like it as best as it's upon you, if that person doesn't want to that, then that's okay. I also don't think that all that unforgiveness always means that we have to be in fellowship, because it doesn't mean that there are people that you can forgive. You do not have to be in fellowship with them. That's okay. Now that doesn't mean you walk into it. That person walks into a room and I roll my eyes, no, that means, hey, how are you doing? And go about your business. I don't have to have a. I don't have to be in fellowship with you to love you and to forgive you. I can forgive you and not be in fellowship. So I think that there. I think. But I think that that's with. That's. There's wisdom in that. You need to seek the Lord because there might be some people that the Lord wants you to be in fellowship with that is hard to forgive. How many of us have parents? Hello. Right. So I think, like, use wisdom. Yeah.
- [54:35]
Event Host / Interviewer
So I don't have a question, but.
- [54:37]
Audience Member
I have a comment because when you said. When you said you were seeking the Lord for content. So I recently became a Christian, got baptized, etc. And I've been very eager to share, like, evangelizing on Instagram.
- [54:53]
Megan Ashley
Right?
- [54:54]
Audience Member
And so I was going to post a scripture and like, the Lord convicted me.
- [54:58]
Event Host / Interviewer
He's like, did you read this?
- [54:59]
Audience Member
He's like, what are you doing this for? For clout to say, oh, Obi, I'm a Christian.
- [55:04]
Megan Ashley
No. You know what I mean?
- [55:05]
Audience Member
So he was like, I am not this facade that you pretend to people. Do not post a scripture about me unless you have read it, unless you understand it. So when said that, it really resonated with me. Like, it's not for clout. It's not like a thing that you.
- [55:21]
Event Host / Interviewer
Just do because it's cute.
- [55:22]
Audience Member
It's a lifestyle.
- [55:23]
Event Host / Interviewer
And you have to really read your.
- [55:25]
Audience Member
Bible, not just post it.
- [55:26]
Event Host / Interviewer
Because he's the right thing to do. Were you nervous, girl? That was great.
- [55:31]
Megan Ashley
I think. I think that that's so profound. And I think that we have to understand that our sacred place with the Lord should be sacred. Everything that he shares with you, you do not need to share with everybody. Okay? Some stuff is sacred. How many of us are mar. Anybody married? All right. You don't tell everybody what goes on in your business, in your marriage, and that's the same thing it is with the Lord. Everything that he shows you is not for everybody. Some stuff is just for you. Okay? So have wisdom. I think that's wisdom. That is wisdom. Because your sacred place, it ain't sacred if I got a camp camera set up while I'm praying. It ain't sacred no more. That's not a sacred place. Right. So having a sacred place means that this is. This is between us. And I will say whatever you tell me to say. Right. That's good.
- [56:26]
Event Host / Interviewer
And this is Tiffany.
- [56:29]
Megan Ashley
Hi, Tiffany.
- [56:30]
Event Host / Interviewer
Hi.
- [56:31]
Audience Member
I'm a part of the In Totality Community. I have followed you through your transition, and I originally had one question, but I feel as though the Lord is telling me to ask another question because a part of their journey resonating with me. So the first question I originally had Was how did you give your children back to the Lord? Because the struggle I've had with motherhood is for a very long time. And to an extent, even now, I've always felt like I have to for my daughter. And the Lord convicted me one today and said, but she was my daughter first. And it's always been an issue for me. And I. I've listened to how you've spoken about your children and just how you've evolved in motherhood to kind of just settle the issue that they're God's children as well.
- [57:22]
Megan Ashley
Yeah.
- [57:22]
Audience Member
So what did that look like for you? And the second question was, you always speak about that moment on your porch.
- [57:27]
Megan Ashley
Oh, yeah.
- [57:29]
Audience Member
And God is merciful. Cuz I never find I could ask you this question. How did you also settle that issue in your mind in a way that you never had to go back from that place?
- [57:47]
Megan Ashley
Okay, so the first question about my kids is that, yeah, I think that being raised by my mother was really a thing for me because she was, she had that revelation very early. So when I had kids, she would always remind me, they're not yours, they're not yours. Like, you were entrusted to steward their lives, but they are not yours. And so I think even with having a child with special needs, it's like the Lord is like, you know, these are mine, these are my kids. And so I think, yeah, I wish I had, like a practice, practical way of, like, this is how you do it. But I think it's just trusting the Lord and knowing that he created them and knows them and that they're his. You know what I mean? Like, he has a specific plan for those children's life. And so I'm always seeking the Lord and praying and asking him, lord, what do you want for my children? Not what I want, not what I desire for them, but Lord, what do you want? Help me, Lord, be able to sense, to discern the gifts that you have in them. Help me to, to lead me for the right prayers, to pray, leave me for the right conversations, to have all of those things. I'm just entrusting myself fully to him to allow me to be the mother that I need to be. But ultimately I know that they're his, they're not mine. Right. And then the second part of your question about the porch, when you say go back to, like, go back to where I was before the porch. Yeah, I think, I think it was what.
- [59:18]
Event Host / Interviewer
Everybody know what the porch is?
- [59:20]
Megan Ashley
Oh, you don't know what the porch is?
- [59:21]
Event Host / Interviewer
I was wondering, y' all you knock it so well, though. Y' all look like you know what?
- [59:26]
Megan Ashley
So the porch is I. When I moved into my new home In May of 2023, after my marriage fell apart, my friendship fell apart. I was, I was walking on my porch wraps around the house, and I was panicking. I was having anxiety attack because the reality of my life was settling. I'm divorced, I'm a single mom, my friendship is over, which was connected to my livelihood. And I just moved into this house. I started to pan. I'm like, oh, my God, what am I going to do? And I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. And I'm on the porch and I just cried out to him. And I think for the first time, my heart actually meant it. Like, I meant it. And I was like, I need you. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I need you. Like, if there's any time to show me that you love me and that you are real, this is the time. I need you. And he was merciful and he. It was like that Isaiah 6 moment where I encountered him in such a real way and he revealed himself to me in such a real way that I could not turn away from him. It was like he had caught, he had caught my gaze, and I could not turn away from him. And so what helped me not turn back was I wasn't thinking of anything that was behind me. I had caught his eye. Like I caught his, his gaze and I could not look away. And so it was just like forward. Whatever I, I've locked eyes with him and whatever he says to do, I'm going to do that. I wasn't even thinking about anything else. I wasn't thinking about how and whatever I, I, I just was locked in with him and whatever he told me to do, I was going to do it. And I was going to trust him with everything. And so it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't even. And a thought to, oh, what am I leaving behind? Because he was in front of me. And that was the only thing that mattered. So that was it.
- [61:42]
Event Host / Interviewer
Meghan, Ashley, everyone, thank you so much. Come on, give her a bigger round of applause on that. We'll be thinking about the things that you said for many, many, many, many, many days, weeks, and so on. But more importantly, thank you for teaching us to trust and seek God first. Thank you very much. Woman ignite. I love you.
- [62:15]
Megan Ashley
What's up, you guys? I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you so much for listening and I hope you felt encouraged in some way. Be sure to like and follow into Tality Podcast everywhere you listen to your favorite shows. Follow into Tality on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and be sure to turn on your post notifications so that you can be the first to listen whenever there's a new episode.