In Totality with Megan Ashley – EP 96: Living Beyond Offense: With Yana Jenay Connor

Release Date: November 11, 2025
Host: Megan Ashley
Guest: Yana Jenay Connor

Episode Overview

This episode welcomes author and ministry leader Yana Jenay Connor to discuss her new book, Living Beyond Offense. Together, Megan and Yana explore the tricky territory of forgiveness and offense within the Christian life, moving through personal stories, biblical truths, and practical strategies for being a "shalom maker" in a divided world. The conversation is honest and compassionate, balancing spiritual challenge with real-world empathy for listeners wrestling with forgiveness in the wake of deep hurt.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Yana's Journey to Faith and Ministry

[06:45–10:16]

• Yana grew up in church but didn't truly understand the gospel until college.
• Her spiritual journey included a "wild out" phase and a pivotal moment of feeling empty after a party, prompting surrender to God.
• After understanding the gospel fully on a ministry project, she became active in Bible study leadership and discipleship.
• Yana transitioned from hopes of nursing to a calling in ministry, eventually becoming an adult ministry director and now an author.

2. The Book’s Genesis: Why Write on Offense?

[13:07–16:32]

• Forgiveness wasn’t initially Yana's choice of book topic—she pitched other ideas but sensed God’s nudge and the publisher’s interest aligned here.
• She struggled, feeling unqualified amidst her own unforsaken relationships, even “ghosting” her publisher for two months.
• The conviction solidified after seeing widespread hurt and offense in church contexts and on social media, leading to disunity.
• She emphasizes the ongoing need for biblical teaching on offense: “If unity is the thing that reveals God to the world, then what do you think disunity does?” (Yana, 15:25)

3. Why Forgiveness Is So Difficult

[16:34–21:13]

• Megan and Yana agree forgiveness is "almost impossible" without the Holy Spirit.
• Pain & Justice: Forgiveness is hard because wounds are real, justice is a God-given desire, and we misunderstand what forgiveness means.
• Forgiveness is not:
  • Forgetting or ignoring sin
  • Resetting the relationship as if nothing happened
  • Immediate reconciliation or trust restoration
• Forgiveness is:
  • “The merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and not retaliate in anger.” (Yana, paraphrasing her synthesized definition, 20:27)
  • An act of mercy, not a feeling—a one-time decision that’s walked out continuously.

4. Dealing with Ongoing Feelings – Did I Really Forgive?

[22:01–26:33]

• Out-of-sight forgiveness is easier. True forgiveness is tested when the offender is present and triggers resurface.
• Key Insight: “Just because we have those feelings doesn’t mean we didn’t forgive. What matters is what we do with those feelings—do we submit to the Spirit or to the flesh?” (Yana, 25:17)
• Forgiveness is an ongoing act: “You make the one-time decision…and then you continue to walk in it.” (Yana, 21:13)

5. Forgiveness Is Not Optional for Christians

[28:18–33:42]

• Jesus connects forgiveness directly to one’s eternity (see Matthew 18, Lord’s Prayer).
• Quote: “Jesus has an expectation that anyone who’s received his forgiveness will extend his forgiveness.” (Yana, 29:01)
• Unforgiveness is evidence of a failure to grasp the gospel’s depths.
• Megan: “When you choose not to forgive, you’re choosing to be God.” (28:18)

6. Practical Strategies: Preach the Gospel to Yourself

[33:42–36:04]

• Megan shares practical advice: posture physically in prayer and rehearse the gospel to cultivate humility, compassion, and a readiness to forgive.
• “If forgiveness is hard for you, maybe you need to start by meditating on the gospel.” (Yana, 32:58)

7. Trusting God for Justice: Processing Anger and Injustice

[36:14–39:11]

• Yana references Psalm 37: Don’t fret over evildoers—God will cause your justice to shine.
• “God’s not just trying to vindicate his name; He’s trying to vindicate yours.” (Yana, 38:12)

8. Shalom Makers: Avoidant vs. Demanding Approaches to Offense

[39:29–44:56]

• Shalom avoidant: Protecting one's peace by withdrawing from offenders; “good vibes only” culture can result in unhealthy avoidance.
• Shalom demanding: Fighting to restore peace by demanding repayment or retaliation—“I’m gonna get my lick back.”
• True biblical command: Be a shalom maker (creator of wholeness and harmony), not just a protector of your own peace.

Pastoral Guidance for Each Type:

• Shalom demanding: “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” Trust God for justice. (Yana, 43:11)
• Shalom avoidant: Draw from the gospel’s uniting force and step toward reconciliation and unity.

9. Who Are You Partnering With in Conflict?

[46:22–49:56]

• At every flashpoint, we must choose: partner with the enemy (“agent of chaos”) or with God (agent of shalom).
• “Who am I going to decide to partner with?… What would bring God glory?” (Megan, 47:17)
• Learning to pause, reflect, and choose the Spirit instead of reacting according to hurt or anger.

10. Recognizing the Spiritual Battle Behind Relational Tensions

[49:57–51:15]

• Paul’s admonition that “we wrestle not against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6) reframes offense as spiritual warfare, reminding us to see past the immediate conflict.
• “Behind every relational conflict is a spiritual battle.” (Yana, 49:57)

11. Offense Culture and Social Media

[51:15–55:26]

• Megan and Yana critique the “culture of offense” on social media, where people seem to seek opportunities for outrage as a means of projecting unresolved hurts.
• Yana: “If you’re someone who’s looking to be offended, I wonder if you’re looking for a place to let go of your anger.” (53:44)

12. Personal Story: Forgiving Her Father

[55:26–63:34]

• Yana’s father struggled with alcoholism and was intermittently absent, which left deep wounds.
• An eventual honest conversation opened reconciliation—shortly before her father’s unexpected death.
• “I had to see my dad as a human, as someone who’s broken and fallen… and forgive the dad that I have.” (Yana, 60:47)
• Experience cultivated urgency: “Don’t just think that you’ll have time; that’s not promised.” (Yana, 63:34)

13. Urgency and Obedience

[64:05–66:07]

• Both hosts reflect on spiritual urgency: the enemy acts quickly, so should believers when prompted to forgive or reconcile.

14. Most Challenging Part of Writing: Forgiveness After Abuse

[66:34–71:18]

• Yana’s hardest chapter was on forgiveness in cases of abuse. She is careful to clarify that forgiveness is not reconciliation or excusing evil. Abuse survivors need space for healing, and “forgiveness is a decision, not a reset button.”
• “I wanted to create enough space for people to be where they are, but also to call them up.” (Yana, 67:20)
• She addresses unhelpful Christian clichés used in response to abuse ("God will give you double for your trouble", etc.), encouraging a more nuanced, scripturally and pastorally sensitive approach.

15. How to Have Hope After Being Hurt or Betrayed

[71:41–77:14]

• Don’t displace blame for offense on God or yourself—recognize the offender’s responsibility.
• Yana shares wisdom from a mentor: “You may not be able to trust your dad, but you can trust God. Not to keep you from harm, but to heal you again if someone hurts you.” (74:09)
• God’s track record is faithfulness and healing, even when people fail.

16. Walking Forward: Encouragement to Build Shalom

[77:56–84:01]

• There are trustworthy people in the world; community is necessary for when we face offense.
• God often pre-positions new sources of support even before we know we’ll need them.
• “I want people… that a movement of shalom makers would rise… a movement of people who are compassionate, merciful, kind, who embody the character of Christ, who are slow to anger, less quick to offense…” (Yana, 80:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If unity is the thing that reveals God to the world, then what do you think disunity does?"

  • Yana Connor, 15:25

• "An offended Christian is a Christian who's forgotten what they've been forgiven of."

  • Megan Ashley quoting John Bevere, 12:26

• "Forgiveness is the merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and to not retaliate against them in anger... It's not a feeling. It's just you making a decision to forgive them, and walking in that."

  • Yana Connor, 20:52–21:13

• "Who am I going to partner with? Am I going to partner with Satan and be an agent of chaos, or am I going to partner with the Lord and be an agent of shalom?"

  • Megan Ashley, 47:10

• "Behind every relational conflict is a spiritual battle."

  • Yana Connor, 49:57

• "God’s not just trying to vindicate his name; He’s trying to vindicate yours… He’s going to cause your righteousness and your justice to shine like the noonday sun."

  • Yana Connor, 38:12

• "You may not be able to trust your dad, but you can trust God...not to keep you safe from harm, but to heal you again."

  • Yana Connor, 74:09

Important Timestamps

• Yana's background/story: [06:45]
• Why Forgiveness? Book Genesis: [13:07]
• Forgiveness defined; why it’s hard: [16:34]
• Walking out forgiveness amid ongoing emotions: [22:01]
• The non-negotiable of forgiveness in Christian faith: [28:18]
• Preaching the gospel to yourself (practical tool): [33:42]
• Justice, anger, and Psalm 37: [36:14]
• Shalom avoidant vs. demanding: [39:29]
• Spiritual warfare in conflict: [49:57]
• Yana's story of forgiving her father: [55:26]
• Processing urgency in forgiveness (when time runs out): [64:05]
• Writing on forgiveness after abuse: [66:34]
• Cultivating hope after deep hurt: [71:41]
• Vision for a movement of shalom makers: [80:20]

Final Takeaways

• Forgiveness is essential and ongoing for the Christian walk.
• True shalom is made, not just protected—this means running toward reconciliation, not away from hard conversations.
• Offense is the enemy’s powerful tool for disunity; Christians are called to radical, proactive peacemaking.
• The courage to forgive is anchored in remembering the gospel and trusting God’s justice and ability to heal.
• Time is not guaranteed; move urgently when prompted to mend relationships.
• A movement of “shalom makers” starts with one decision, one act of mercy, one refusal to take Satan’s bait.

Connect with Yana Jenay Connor and get her book, "Living Beyond Offense," via Megan’s Amazon storefront or major retailers.
Support the Shalom Movement—be a peacemaker in your world.

(For additional insights, resources, and candid conversations, join Megan’s Patreon community, The Village.)