← Into The Wild
Into The Wild
464. The Friend Gap: What Happens to Your Friendships When You Start Growing Fast
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It hurt. But also I realized that what a blessing this was for me to realize that somebody else's pain is not my responsibility, that somebody else's lack of growth is not my responsibility, and that somebody else's words of lack of trying to diminish me is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to keep going and to keep growing and to be healing and to becoming a better version of myself. Hey, it's Renee, and welcome to the into the Wild Pod podcast. Each week, I'll unravel growth, mindset methods, authority building techniques, and the secrets to living an integrated life. Plus chat with expert guests to teach you the fearlessness needed to step into your greatness. Are you ready for it? Let's get wild. This podcast is a Martel Media production. Welcome back to another episode of into the Wild. I'm your host, Renee Warren. Today we are going to be talking about something that has been on my mind because it has been something that I've had to test myself and test my patience and test the reason why I'm finally okay with going all in on media and actually really pushing the limits of growth and looking at not only the blind spots, but the parts of my life that I allowed myself to play small, to think small, to not even dream bigger. And there's this thing called the friend gap. This is like what happens when you start growing. What I see and I see this happening a lot is kind of like a curve. Think about a graph, right? So you have maybe you and a business bestie or you and a buddy. You're both growing, you're doing your thing, and then all of a sudden you kind of break off from that curve because your curve gets steeper. And maybe your friend starts to plateau. Maybe there's a life event, maybe she can't figure out her business or something happens. And then all of a sudden she stops growing at the same speed as you. And a healed good friend will keep cheering you on despite how far you're reaching. But the woman who feels insecure, who feels defeated, then all of a sudden feels entitled to your success. She's gonna start making comments, she's gonna start doing things to pull you back to her level, whether she's doing this subconsciously or not. And that's the friend gap. It's almost like the ultimate litmus test of a true friend when you're growing and maybe your growth exceeds their growth. And it's not like you're doing this on purpose. It's just that you have big dreams. You have big dreams, sister. Maybe there's one person in your life, it could be somebody on your team that just starts reeling you in, like, pulling you back, because all of a sudden, your dreams, your goals are too big. But funny enough is that maybe you had already expressed these goals, and her goals and dreams might be even bigger than yours, but you're actually achieving them. You're doing the thing to get you to that next level. And that friend gap causes a lot of friction because you probably love these people, you want them to be successful, you keep encouraging them and pushing them, and then they start pulling away. And I've had this before in the most unlikely of places. I'm going to tell you a story about a woman that I met a couple years ago. She has got a great organization of which we supported many times. And we were friends and acquaintances, like, not best friends, but nothing was wrong and nothing happened. And then all of a sudden, I started getting comments from her, like, negative comments that were like, kind of chirpy comments, and they ended up being on the most random stories on Instagram. Like, one time I posted a picture of the public bathroom at the Dubai Mall, because I said, this has got to be the most beautiful public bathroom I have ever seen. And she said, must be nice for the 1%. And I'm like, but wait, I said, this is a public bathroom. There's no judgment. There's no shame. There's no, you can't come in, or you can come in because of what they look like or because of what someone's wearing. Then I replied, saying, oh, this was built on the dream of a vision in the desert. And I was like, let's make this 100% living. Because my dream and my goal for women, especially women that want to pursue their goals, they have these big things. They don't know how to get there, they're stuck, and they want to wiggle free, is to look at the cool things that some incredible people have accomplished and. And then try to do it, despite how hard it is, despite the roadblocks. And so when she started chirping, I was like, wait a second. I thought we were friends. I'll spare you the details. But it got so diabolically dark and mean and rude from her. It made me question some things. That's kind of what she wanted. What she wanted to get out of me was probably for me to dim my light to try to see her perspective, even though I would have been happy to understand her perspective. But she was so incredibly rude. And so it hurt. It stung. I lost sleep and, hey, maybe if she's listening to this, she's like, ha, ha. That's what I wanted. I don't know. I'm not also trying to judge, but here's what I recognize in these moments when all of a sudden you start becoming unrelatable to people, because those are the words that she said, you're unrelatable. She loved the stories about the suffering that I went through. Listen, when I launched my first PR agency and I had clients from all over the world, and we were growing. We ended up exceeding a million dollars in revenue. We had a team of 12 employees. I had two babies in that same year. My boys are 11 months apart. That was tough. We were pinching pennies to pay the bills. My income was important for the mortgage. It was important for our car payments and for paying for daycare and stuff. That was my contribution, and it worked for us. Although I was struggling, I was burning out. And she loved the recognition of that and said, you're relatable in those stories, but now I'm not relatable because I no longer suffer. You see, what happens was when you stop suffering because you're healing, you are going to become unrelatable to the person who is still suffering. And there are two choices that person can make. They can decide that their suffering is a gift and they can get out of it because we all know the rags to riches story. It's possible. Or you can stay there. And she decided to stay there. And I pull out this one story as an example because it hurt. But also I realized that what a blessing this was for me to realize that somebody else's pain is not my responsibility, that somebody else's lack of growth is not my responsibility, and that somebody else's words of lack of trying to diminish me is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to keep going and to keep growing and to be healing and to becoming a better version of myself for myself, for my partner, for my kids, for my business, for the women in my program. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. Because here's the thing. A lot of us are so shy about stepping over the finish line. A lot of us are too scared to actually do the damn thing because of, quote, leaving people behind and the people who are, quote, left behind. It's not because of you. That's their choice. You see these people, and I've seen it with some influencers online, that they had a massive following. Listen, this is probably going to open Pandora's box, too. But whatever Come at me with this. They were overweight and they knew it. So then they went on this health kick, all natural diet workout. Took years. And they're finally getting their body to a place where they have the energy, they feel good, they look in the mirror and they're proud of themselves because they understand that's the epitome of health for them. And what happened along the way, in those moments, they lost followers. They became, quote, unrelatable to the people who sought and still seek comfort into people that look like them. I'm not shaming any body type, so do not come at me with that. What I am saying is that when you are relatable to the people at a stage in their life that you no longer want to be in, they are going to try to pull you down and keep you there and mute you and cancel you. And the worst part, when you do succeed, they're going to start feeling entitled to your success, like they had some skin in the game. And this sucks. And this happens all the time. You go through these big stories and I'm thinking like, this has got to be done. And then somebody else pops up. Somebody else pops up. You have to be okay and willing to. To outgrow the unhealed and the emotions of people who keep playing small. And it doesn't mean leaving people behind. It means, let's just hope that as you keep growing, you keep inspiring and motivating more people to do the thing that you're doing. Whether it's growing your business or building the house of your dreams, or maybe it is losing the weight, maybe it is starting CrossFit. When you actually start doing the thing that's tough, that sucks, but it's an alignment of your dream. You will start to see who the true people and the true friends are in your life. There's a couple things I wanna chat about that is like the friendship shift that nobody talks about. Cause you know when you're like, you're in those beautiful moments and you're just sharing stories and you're doing the thing together, you don't even think about it. But you also can't possibly fathom the idea that maybe this person one day won't be your friend because they're jealous or they're envious or they feel stuck, or like I've said before, they feel like you owe them something. And let me start by naming what's actually happening, because I think we've been telling ourselves the wrong story. When you start growing fast in business, when you're scaling Revenue or stepping into visibility or building something that demands more of you. Your friendships, they don't fall apart because suddenly you're too busy or too important. They shift because your capacity for certain conversations disappear. You don't want to have those same conversations. You can't sit in a complaint circle anymore. You can't spend two hours dissecting someone else's drama when you've got a launch happening. You can't pretend to care about things that don't matter when your nervous system is already maxed out, holding the weight of your own growth. And the friends you knew that knew you before, they're still showing up expecting the version of you who you had all the good time with and the chats with. And so you end up going quiet and the distance grows and then the guilt comes in. And that quiet voice that says, good woman keeps her friends no matter what, that loyalty means showing up forever regardless of what changes between you. I want to challenge that belief directly because I think it's doing a lot of damage for women who are trying to grow. Friendships are supposed to add to your life, not subtract from it. And if you're constantly editing yourself or managing your wins, dimming your excitement just to keep someone comfortable in your presence, that's not loyalty. That's a slow erosion of yourself. You don't have to burn those bridges, but you also don't have to keep crossing them. I was recently watching Instagram, the story of this woman who had a friend since she was like practically born, we'll just say since they were 1 years old. And the hook for her reel was, I didn't get a reply for eight years. What she realized that she had a one sided relationship with this woman who was a best friend, but we'll call her Sarah. Sarah was the one that was always reaching out to the other girlfriend. Always texting, always calling, always planning stuff, always visiting. And then when Sarah showed up, her friend was always like, oh, I'm so happy to see you, when everything seemed normal. And I guess like they went away to college or somebody moved away. So when Sarah went back to visit, she's like, I'm recognizing this with this friendship and I'm going to test something. I'm going to visit, I'm going to see her kids and I'm going to say goodbye and I'm going to leave and I'm not going to be the one to reach out. I'm not going to call, I'm not going to text, I'm not going to do anything. Her friend never followed up for eight years. Can you imagine having somebody who you thought was a best friend not reply for eight years? That's what happened. And so of course that hurt. But then all of a sudden, I guess this friend reached out over something and was like, hey, like, we never talk anymore. What happened? It's like, what happened is I'm the one that kept putting in the effort and you never reciprocated. I'm the one that kept texting and calling and organizing things and inviting you to places and you never did anything. Friendships require maintenance. They require check ins and it doesn't have to be all the time. It could be randomly when you're thinking about them like, I have a really great friend, Diana. We don't live in the same city, we hardly ever see each other. But every now and then, every few months, it's like, hey, I thought about you, or are you going to this event? Or how's the kids doing? Like, there's no rulebook on what makes a great friend other than you do require some maintenance. You do require checking in and seeing how they're doing. Here's the thing when you grow is you're not leaving people behind. You're also no longer available to stay stuck with them. And it's not cruelty, it's self preservation. So shrinking to fit will always kill your potential. The thing about outgrowing friendships is that you'll be tempted to shrink yourself to keep them. You'll downplay your wins, you'll apologize for being busy, and you might even make yourself smaller in conversation so you don't make anyone else feel less than. And I need you to hear this clearly. Every time you do that, you're teaching your nervous system that growth is a problem. I've seen this pattern way too many times with so many women I've coached, especially inside our coaching program called the Society. They'll come to a call and share a massive win, something they've been working toward for months and then immediately downplay it. They'll preemptively start shrinking because they've learned that taking up space costs them connection. That being too much or making too much or being too fast makes them lose friends. And so they associate wins with being alone. But here's what's actually happening. When you shrink to fit old friendships, you start resenting the people you're trying to protect. The irony. You start feeling like you're living two lives. The version of you that's building something incredible and the version of you that pretends she's not. And that split, that's exhausting. The kind of exhaustion that leads to burnout not because you're doing too much, but because you're being too little. There's a concept in psychology called self silencing, where you suppress your own needs, thoughts and feelings to maintain relationships and avoid conflict. And it's directly linked to depression, anxiety, and decreased well being. So when you silence yourself to keep others comfortable, you're literally making yourself sick. So then what's the alternative? You stop shrinking and you stop waiting for permission to be the fullest version of yourself. Feels good, huh? And yes, some people won't be able to hold that. Some friendships will fade. And that's not a failure, that's filtering. I'm in this season. I'm evolving. Here's the thing. I wanna tell you about a cool story. So at the time of this recording, we're currently in Cabo. We bought a gorgeous house here. It's our first time here. We got it, like seven months ago. And oh, my gosh, it's a dream. It's an absolute dream. And we got the honor of hanging out with a gentleman and his wife, Rob Dyrdek and his wife, Brianna Dyrdek, who were incredible people. If you don't know anything about Rob, he has a show called Ridiculousness. For many, many seasons, he was a pro inline skater and Brianna is in pageant space. Like, they're just incredible souls and they dream so, so big. I thought my dreams were big until we hung out and we did some manifestation work together. And they're like, they're dreaming even bigger. For me, it was like, okay, I want to have the Pink Skirt project summit be 5,000 women. Like, the biggest it's going to get is 5,000 women. And here's what it's going to look like. And this is what I'm working towards. Because this year we're aiming at 500. And we kind of go around the table talking about things we hope to manifest. And when it comes back to Brianna and Rob, when they're talking about kind of giving their input on my manifestation, they said, yeah, we already see it being 5,000. It's almost like in their eyes, I was playing too small. Even though this was such a massive stretch for me, it's like, what they're like, it is going to be 5,000. So dream bigger. I could not believe it. And in those moments when you surround yourself with the right people, that when you share their dreams, they already say, yeah, I already know that's going to happen already. See, that's happening. They force you to dream bigger. You're in the right circle. Those are the right people. And it is exactly why there is an application process to join this society. My coaching program, because we don't want small minded people in there. We want women who are thinking big, who are. They're dreaming big. They want to be surrounded by friends and a sisterhood that's like, let's go. They don't get jealous, they don't get envious. And that's why proximity is power. And sometimes this is the hardest part, and I'm going to say it out loud. At some point, you're going to need to actively choose proximity to women who match your ambition. And not because the women you've known for years aren't good people, but because you need to be around people who aren't surprised by your capacity. That's why hanging out with Rob and Brianna was a game changer. Women who don't need you to explain why you're going all in, who see your vision and push you forward and make you believe you're capable of more than ever. Those are the women that not only make it possible because they validate your dreams, but they blow air into your wings. And I want to be clear about something here. This is where a lot of women get tangled up in guilt. When you grow and someone can't hold space for that, they are the ones making a choice. That's not you abandoning anyone. That's them choosing to stay attached to a version of you that no longer exists. And you don't owe it to anyone to keep performing that version, just to keep the space. The women who are scaling at your pace, who are navigating the same identity shifts, who understand the loneliness of being the one who's always reaching. Those women become your lifeline. Now I think about the women I've met through masterminds, through coaching containers, and through the Pink Skirt Project. These aren't women I've known my whole life, but they're the ones who text me when I'm in the thick of a hard decision. And I know they've got my back without needing the full backstory. They're the ones who celebrate my wins without needing me to dim that first. They're the ones who get it because they're also living it. And that's not a betrayal of your old friendships. That's survival. Here's what I know. After years of building businesses and watching women scale, you will only go as far as the people around you believe you can go. If you're surrounded by people who think your dreams are too big, who question every bold move, who need you to stay relatable more than they need you to be free, you will cap yourself to keep them close. And you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? And are they worth it? The research on entrepreneurial networks backs this up. Studies suggest that strong networks can help women entrepreneurs innovate and grow their ventures way more effectively. It's not just about business strategy. It's about identity reinforcement. It's about being around people who reflect back the version of you that you're becoming, not the version that you're leaving behind. So if you're feeling guilty about the friendships that are may be fading in your life or the ones you're consciously stepping back from, I want to give you permission to just let that go. Let that guilt go. You're not a bad person for needing different things now. You're not selfish for protecting your peace. And you're not abandoning anyone by choosing to be around people who can hold the bigness of what it is you're becoming and what it is you're trying to achieve. So if you're in this season right now and you're watching your friendships maybe fade, if you're carrying the particular loneliness that comes with growing faster than the people around you, I want you to know this. You're not doing it wrong. This is part of the process. Nobody tells you this, and I'm telling you this right now. And I also want to be honest with you, because I think it needs to be said directly. Holding onto relationships that require you to shrink will cost you. They will always cost you. Not, maybe not eventually, quietly, consistently, over time, you can love these people. That love can be real and it can be deep. But loving them doesn't mean you have to stay small for them. And it never did. The women who are meant to walk with you in this next chapter, they will find you or you will find them. And the ones who can't make that journey, you're allowed to love them from a distance and release them. Your job is not to shrink so everyone else stays comfortable. It is the most exhausting thing. Your job is to become the woman your business needs to be, to become the woman the future self of you is proud of. To become the woman who doesn't apologize for taking up space. And that woman needs different conversations, different energy, different proximity. So let the friend gap be what it is. It's a signal that you're expanding. And trust that the right people the ones who can hold all of you are already on their way and they are on the way to the Pink Skirt Project Summit happening in Kelowna B.C. july 9th and 10th. If you want to surround yourself with women who are expanders, they see your potential and they blow air into your wings because they want to see you soar, direct message me the word Summit on Instagram or go to the pink skirtproject.com to get your tickets. We're coming up on these dates and we're going to sell out pinkskirtproject.com or message me on Instagram the word Summit until next time sista. Peace out. Wait before you go to support this show, please rate and review and share it with your business besties. It means the world to me to get this message in front of more women who are also on the pursuit of greatness. Tune in wherever you subscribe to podcasts, watch us on YouTube and follow me on Instagram. Reneewarren this show is produced in partnership with Martell Media.