465. He Said, She Said: Why 50/50 Is Ruining Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead) with Dan Martell

Summary

Into The Wild – Episode 465

He Said, She Said: Why 50/50 Is Ruining Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)

Host: Renée Warren
Guest: Dan Martell (her husband)
Release Date: April 28, 2026

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Overview

In this candid and humorous "He Said, She Said" segment, Renée Warren and Dan Martell—partners in life, business, and parenting—pull back the curtain on their relationship. Together, they dissect why the widely accepted notion of splitting everything 50/50 is detrimental to families and partnerships. They share the unbreakable rules that have helped them thrive over 16 years: from emotional safety and robust communication to the art of showing up at 100%. The episode is packed with real-life anecdotes, actionable insights, and a playful dynamic that makes their wisdom both accessible and relatable—especially for high-achieving women seeking harmony in business and at home.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background and Relationship Dynamics

• The Martells share that, after 16 years together (through moves, raising kids, business highs and lows), they’ve crafted a set of personal “marriage rules” that keep their family and ambitions aligned.
• They emphasize the importance of being a team, painting big-picture vision together, and regularly revisiting their approach as life and business evolve.
• Memorable banter:
  • Dan: “Feels like 27. No, I'm just kidding.” ([03:06])
  • Renée: “Feels like two.”

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2. The "F Yeah Decisions" Rule

(Dan’s Rule) – [04:36]

• Both partners must feel a visceral, genuine “hell yes” about big decisions. If one person isn’t in, the answer is no.
• Dan: “If you have a decision to make and you ask yourself if that scenario was tonight, would you want to go?... If the answer is not really, then just say no.” ([06:14])
• This rule prevents resentment and ensures alignment, using real-life examples of passing up on tempting opportunities because they weren’t both enthusiastic.

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3. Emotional Safety Comes First

(Renée’s Rule) – [07:11]

• For Renée, feeling emotionally safe is foundational. Emotional safety means having each other's backs, whether in business snafus or family struggles.
• Renée: “As a woman, to actually feel sexy in her own body is to feel safe.” ([07:15])
• Dan steps in with protective energy when Renée is slighted or hurt—a trait she finds deeply valuable and “incredibly sexy.”
• They detail stories where Dan’s support turned pain into emotional security.
• Key moment: Renée recounts being disrespected at an event and Dan fiercely coming to her defense:
  • “Who pissed off my wife? You had my back. And that, to me, was the most exquisite sense of emotional safety.” ([07:43])

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4. Don’t Reject the Repair

(Dan’s Rule) – [09:47]

• A critical rule: always accept a sincere repair attempt after conflict—even when it’s hard.
• Dan: “If your partner is truly sorry and they're trying to show you they’re sorry, don’t reject it because your little tiny, fragile ego is hurt.” ([11:55])
• They share real moments of ego versus healing and how hugs (even resisted at first) can diffuse tension.
• Renée: “When I settle into the hug, it just makes everything better.” ([12:19])

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5. United Front with Kids

(Renée’s Rule) – [12:38]

• Never undermine each other’s parenting in front of the children.
• Early on, Dan sometimes corrected Renée in front of the kids, leading to confusion and loss of authority. Now, all disagreements about parenting are reserved for private discussions or their weekly meetings.
• Renée: “Being a team in front of the kids is what the kids need to see the most… If the kids can divide you, you’re divided.” ([15:06])

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6. Show Your Priorities with Time and Money

(Dan’s Rule) – [15:15]

• The real measure of priority is where you invest your time (calendar) and money (bank account).
• Inspired by Rob Dyrdek’s approach, they schedule family time and ensure investments (like vacations or date nights) reflect true values.
• Dan: “My honesty is always in my calendar… If you truly believe your partner is a priority, look at your bank account, your calendar.” ([17:26])
• Renée notes Dan’s evolution from “no calendar” to master scheduler as a response to relationship pain.

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7. Respect During Exhaustion

(Renée’s Rule) – [17:57]

• Recognize your partner’s different thresholds. Renée recharges solo; Dan thrives in social settings.
• They align by giving each other space as needed, especially during busy event seasons.
• Dan: “Tuesday nights are my nights off. I’m like, okay, who's coming over?... And I just watch you. You go up into the room, you lock the door... Do the bath thing.” ([19:07])

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8. The Death of 50/50: Step Up at 100%

(Dan’s Rule) – [20:48]

• The expectation of equal split (50/50) is flawed—sometimes one partner will contribute financially, the other emotionally, organizationally, or with childcare.
• Dan advises men especially to “step up, provide, be a man… instead of 50/50, go be a hundred percent better.”
• Quote: “I thought, okay, well, I did my part. You got to do your part. Luckily, pain taught me… If I show up 100% for you, then magically, Renee becomes 100% who I want. Isn’t that wild that it took me years to figure that out?” ([22:58])
• Renée discusses evolving away from splitting finances, highlighting that her “contribution” wasn’t just about money, but making a home and caring for kids.

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9. Private Processing, Public Unity

(Renée’s Rule) – [24:34]

• Disagreements are for private—not public—consumption. In public or with others, present a unified front; process grievances later, in private.
• They use weekly meetings to revisit tough moments and reset.
• Dan: “I was having dinner with a couple...and the couple literally argued three times… I used to do that with you at dinner.” ([25:47])

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10. Disagree and Commit

(Dan’s Rule) – [26:44]

• Borrowed from Jeff Bezos and Amazon: it’s OK to disagree, as long as you still fully support your partner’s decision when you move forward.
• Use honest communication to gauge “how much” each partner cares about a topic (on a scale of 1–10), which can clarify whose way to follow.
• Dan: “I respectfully disagree. And I got you. And I will support you and I will fight for you in this scenario.” ([28:05])

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11. Protecting Connection Over Being Right

(Renée’s Rule) – [29:20]

• Prioritize the health of the relationship over the ego-driven urge to “win” or be correct.
• Renée shares how Dan’s ability to drop an argument and reconnect physically (e.g., through a hug) resets their dynamic and brings her back to a safe, loving space.
• Renée: “What I mean by protecting the connection over being right is sometimes our ego gets so strong, we just fight for being right because you want to win… but the protection of the relationship is about being seen and heard.” ([29:25])

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12. Playful Love and Ongoing Growth

• Both acknowledge they’re still learning, poking fun at each other’s quirks and coping strategies (e.g., Dan hiding in sinks or lying on the bathroom floor during big fights).
• Dan: “I love my wife more today than I did the day I married you. That is a fact. I think you are the coolest person in the world. I introduce you today as my best friend because you are.” ([32:25])

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Dan ([11:55]): “Don’t reject [a repair], because your little tiny, fragile ego is hurt.”
• Renée ([07:15]): “As a woman, to actually feel sexy in her own body is to feel safe.”
• Dan ([20:48]): “This whole 50/50… I say, fuck 50/50… go be a hundred percent better.”
• Renée ([15:06]): “If the kids can divide you, you’re divided.”
• Dan ([28:05]): “I respectfully disagree. And I got you. And I will support you and I will fight for you in this scenario.”
• Dan ([32:25]): “You are my best friend… We live into the words that we use.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:01] – 16 years together: foundation and history
• [04:36] – The “F Yeah Decisions” rule for harmony
• [07:11] – Emotional safety & having each other's back
• [09:47] – Don’t reject the repair (accepting apologies)
• [12:38] – United front with kids and weekly meetings
• [15:15] – Time & money as true priorities
• [17:57] – Respecting each other’s exhaustion and social needs
• [20:48] – Why 50/50 doesn’t work—showing up at 100%
• [24:34] – Private processing, public unity
• [26:44] – Disagree and commit (borrowed from Amazon)
• [29:20] – Protecting connection over being right
• [32:25] – Affirmations of love, friendship, ongoing learning

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Summary Takeaways

• Successful partnerships are anchored by rules both parties honor, not by keeping score or strict fairness.
• True connection thrives when both partners commit fully, communicate honestly, and publicly champion one another—even during conflict.
• Practical strategies—like the “F Yeah” filter for decisions, structured weekly meetings, and setting priorities in your calendar—are tools every couple can adopt for greater harmony.
• Growth, playfulness, and vulnerability are ongoing: even “relationship experts” are still learning every day.

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For Listeners Seeking to Apply the Lessons

• Review your relationship for hidden 50/50 expectations and shift toward “all in” commitment.
• Adopt a weekly check-in meeting with your partner to process issues privately.
• Ask yourself regularly: How do my calendar and bank account reflect my real priorities?
• Consider the phrase: “Disagree and commit”—sometimes true partnership means supporting each other beyond personal preferences.
• Practice protecting emotional safety and the relationship connection—especially in moments of tension.

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Episode tone: Warm, irreverent, real, and deeply supportive—underscored by genuine affection and a shared mission to help others build better business-family partnerships.

Transcript

[A]

Sometimes my beautiful wife will decide she doesn't want to do something. And it really gets to me. It hurts my heart. That's so true. I get really angry because there's so much work. You don't understand. There's like so much effort that goes into this that when Renee just decides last minute she doesn't want to do it or something changed. It's not a little thing. I remember one time I was really upset and you came and you were like, oh, babes, I'm so sorry. And I remember thinking, no, but I have to because of this rule, which is never reject the repair att.

[B]

Hey, it's Renee. And welcome to the into the Wild podcast. Each week I'll unravel growth, mindset methods, authority building techniques, and the secrets to living an integrated life. Plus chat with expert guests to teach you the fearlessness needed to step into your greatness. Are you ready for it? Let's get wild. This podcast is a Martel Media production. Hey, you wild thing. Welcome back to into the Wild. I am here with my incredible husband, Dan Rittell on another episode of He Said, she said. Today we're talking about some of the key things that we've learned over being together for 16 years, including F. Yeah. Decisions, emotional safety, and being a team regardless of the situation. So if you're feeling like your significant other is on a separate team, everything's divided. 50, 50. I want you to know that you're not alone. We used to feel this way as well, and we've come up with some crazy rules, easy to apply, that allow you to not only be on the same team, but actually bringing out the best in each other and understanding how to get there together, how to parent according to your own rules and standards. We want to. Want to come home to celebrate with your best friend. Welcome back to another episode of the into the Wild podcast. And we are wilding at our beautiful home in Cabo. First time visiting here.

[A]

What up?

[B]

What up? And I have my man, Dan Martell.

[A]

That's me. That's my voice. Anyways, we decided to do this outside because.

[B]

Did we? Yeah, I think I just showed up and someone put a microphone in my face.

[A]

And we have an incredible team of people that support us, but we are outside, so if you're not watching the YouTube edition, just listening, go on the tubes and watch because it's beautiful here. The new format we're going to be trying out, I think is exciting. Okay.

[B]

So exciting.

[A]

Nobody's heard this before. It is a next level. We're Talking about rules of our marriage. And Renee and I have done a lot of prep to make sure one, these deliver incredible value. Two, we don't step on our toes because that happens sometimes where you tell a story that I want.

[B]

Especially if we're dancing.

[A]

If we're dancing. I'm just a clumsy foot person.

[B]

You are.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I don't think you can see below your nose level.

[A]

I don't. So that's why my tools.

[B]

If you have little dogs or little kids, watch out.

[A]

If you bring them around me, they're probably not going to be safe.

[B]

They might get flattened.

[A]

It will not be safe. I'll kick it off.

[B]

Yeah. So we're talking about the marriage rules. We never break.

[A]

Never. These are rules.

[B]

Let's just also premise this by saying that we've been together for 16 years.

[A]

Feels like 27. No, I'm just kidding.

[B]

Feels like two. And we've been through a lot from all of it. Moving across different countries, having two kids

[A]

and two babies, two houses, raising money

[B]

for startups, selling startups, running agencies.

[A]

All of it. All the stuff, yeah. I mean, fight some good fights.

[B]

Good fights. And also like tough financial situations.

[A]

Yeah, all of it. Dan is a bit of a risk taker. He likes to put it all on black.

[B]

Yeah. I would put it on red.

[A]

Yeah. See, that's why we're fighting. That's why we have great content for everybody.

[B]

But through all these like trials and tribulations, we've come up with a rhythm now that has been working for us on so many levels when it comes to marriage and parenting and growing businesses and also like painting bigger picture vision. Like you showed me something. I don't know if it was yesterday or today. Last night I was like, I never even fathomed this to be possible. And I'm like, let's go after you.

[A]

What's the timeline for that? And I was like, 20, 28. And you're like, oh my gosh, you thought it was like 10 years from now.

[B]

I thought it was a five year goal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But also when we establish those goals, there's part of me that's like, I'm excited because I always wonder, what is my part in achieving this goal? What's my participation? Because everything that we've done together has required both of us to step up in a level that we probably didn't know was going to be asked of us. So you take it away then, babycakes.

[A]

Well, again, rules that we never break in our marriage. My first one is the idea of fuck, yeah. Decisions. And I did say the F word because that's how much I believe in it. I think this simple concept can change a relationship's harmony. I think too often we have gotten ourselves in troubles before. We made this rule up where we didn't feel comfortable expressing our feelings about decisions. Right where you wanted to do something, I wanted to do something. I remember that recently it kind of broke my heart because we had an opportunity six months ago to do something. There was a group of couples that five years ago would have been a bucket list thing for me, like a dream. And you looked at the calendar and realized that we would just be coming back from world schooling, a bunch of other business stuff. We had the couples retreat that we just hosted in Tulum. You had your mastermind you just got back from, and you were like, it's too much. And even though it was a fuck yeah for me, it was a not for you, not for Renee, which meant it didn't happen. And as tough as that pill was to swallow, it was again, just a reminder that we're a team. We both have to be. Heck yeah. Into a decision. And I think the lesson that everybody could take from that is one, make sure when you're looking at especially things that you're planning out 3, 4, 5, 6 months a year that both people, like, really want to do it. Because if not, it just feels like the other person's bracing for impact. You would have been bracing for impact.

[B]

I brace for impact with you every morning when you wake up. That's why I wear a helmet to bed.

[A]

She does. It's very sexy. Sexy helmet. But the lesson I think anybody can take just even today, is if you have a decision to make and you ask yourself, if that scenario was tonight, would you want to go? Because that's also another way to frame the same question. Is it an F? Yeah. Cause, like, there's some things that are a Heck yeah in the moment when you talk to your friends. But if you're asking me to go tonight, I'd be like, oh, no, I don't wanna do that. I'm overwhelmed. Most of us will always have a lot of stuff going on. So asking ourselves, if I had to do that tonight, would I want to enthusiastically do? And if the answer is not really, then just say no. And I think that'll save a lot of headspace and drama. I mean, we have a couple friend that we spend time with, and they're always fighting about stuff that they just didn't make a decision around. That's my first One, my number one rule. A marriage that we don't break.

[B]

For me, the Fei thing is pretty simple. Is if it's a visceral gut feeling, yes or no, I will say it.

[A]

Cool. So, yeah, that's mine. Renee, what do you got?

[B]

Emotional safety. Mm.

[A]

Tell the people about this.

[B]

Well, as a woman, to actually feel sexy in her own body is to feel safe.

[A]

Men. That means turned on, in case you guys do not know what she's talking about.

[B]

What's interesting and fascinating about the emotional safety thing is it shows up in ways that a perfect example is something that happened a while ago when I was asked to speak at an event, and I was played, in a sense, and I was brought through the wringer.

[A]

And this is not cool.

[B]

No, it was not cool. What happened.

[A]

Not cool at all.

[B]

Long story short is the person was very inconsiderate and rude and disrespectful towards me, and I wanted to brush it off. Cause this person is young, new in business, and you're like, no, who is this? Because I need to know. There was something about it that I don't know, for lack of a better word, was so sexy. Because you're like, basically, who pissed off my wife? You had my back. And that, to me, was the most exquisite sense of emotional safety. Knowing that he got me, because that hurt me. I felt disrespected. And it wasn't just, like, another story that you thought could just brush underneath a rug you're upset about.

[A]

You know in that movie Dirty dancing, where they're like, nobody fucks with baby. That's kind of how I felt in that moment, is like, nobody messes with Renee.

[B]

And I appreciated that. But here was, like, a bigger story that happened years ago when I had a business partner just randomly get up and leave. And it was just the weirdest thing that happened. I remember calling you after she decided to leave the company, and I was like, hey, can you help me understand that? He's like, I've never seen anybody do anything like this before. And I was kind of moping around for days because I was so heartbroken by what had happened. And I remember one day you came up to me after supporting me, and you said, babe, this has to end. Give me a day. Give me a time when you are no longer going to complain about this. And in my mind, I thought, how selfish of you for me to put a timeline on the healing journey. But what I realized is it ended up being a thing because you wanted me to get through it, because you saw the Best of me on the other side. I could have sat there and I could have for months just complained about how heartbroken I was. But where the emotional safety showed up was in you being like, babe, I got you. I know this sucks, but we can't be talking about this anymore. And I thought that was fair. Maybe not in the moment.

[A]

You were upset in the moment.

[B]

I was so upset in the moment. But you were there, so the emotional safety is like. Is an incredible lesson.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

What you got?

[A]

My next one. Rules I never break. This one's so hard. Like, I'm not perfect at it. I'm still working at it. Is don't reject the repair. In relationships, when there's a fight, usually what happens. This is from. I think it's Godfrey Institute. The guy who wrote Seven Marriage. What's that book? Seven Rules of a successful Marriage are like, shit you don't do if you want to stay married. Okay. That's what it should have been called, Godfried Institute. And he said that the thing that he looks for in marriages where people are successful is when there's a repair attempt made. Meaning I messed up and I want to say sorry. And I go to you and I say, like, hey, babes, I just got to say sorry that the other person accepts it. And I got to tell you, sometimes I don't want to accept it. Like, I'm just being petty. My ego's hurt. I'm in my feels. And I remember, like, for me, because I'm such a planner, I don't know if people know that. That are watching. I don't know, you guys. Okay? I'm a bit of a planner. I organize everything. I coordinate everything. I have a whole team of people. Cause I do so much of it. Sometimes my beautiful wife will decide she doesn't want to do something. And it really gets to me. It hurts my heart. That's so true. I get really angry because there's so much work. You don't understand. There's, like, so much effort that goes into this. That when Renee just decides last minute she doesn't wanna do it or something change. It's not a little thing. Because you don't see the effort, right?

[B]

I don't.

[A]

That's beautiful. You don't communicate the effort because you don't need to. I remember one time I was really upset, and you came and you were like, oh, babes, I'm so sorry. And I was just like, no, not this time. And you're like, yes, this time. And you, like, came at me and you like, you know how you grab me and stuff. And I remember thinking, no, But I have to because of this rule, which is never reject the repair attempt. So here's my rule. And everybody, this is the lesson I would encourage you guys to all pick up on. This is if your partner is truly sorry and they're trying to show you they're sorry, don't reject it because your little tiny, fragile ego is hurt. Your little feelings. Because that's what it is for me. I'm saying the voice that's in my head.

[B]

Yep, that's what it sounds like it is.

[A]

It's just a little bitch voice. And I'm just like you. Anyway, so don't reject it.

[B]

No, it's great.

[A]

Yeah, that's mine.

[B]

And I will say just to add to this, is that anytime I'm upset and frustrated about anything, when you come in to just try to give me a hug, even though you feel like

[A]

you might get punched or something, you reject me. Tell them, uh huh.

[B]

But when I settle into the hug, it just like makes everything better.

[A]

No idea. The rejection I get. And I know that if I just like hold strong, I can melt the anger away. And eventually she's like, I hate that

[B]

you're so good at this. I know. It's just, you are so good at it.

[A]

All right, what do you got for everybody, babes?

[B]

United front with kids. I used to. I don't do that so much anymore. But the morning rush with the kids, moms know this. They like getting the bags back, getting the breakfast in, brush your teeth, all this stuff that happens.

[A]

They do all that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just kidding.

[B]

And you have to get to the bus stop on time or else you miss the bus.

[A]

Really? You take them to school?

[B]

I do. They don't mock themselves. They don't drive yet. There used to be a moment when it would frustrate the crap out of me and I would yell at them because I had like, no emotional maturity in those moments. There was a couple times when you're just like, why are you yelling at them? But you would actually, what I call, discipline me in front of the kids.

[A]

Big no. No.

[B]

And that for many reasons, it hurt a lot. And it actually made the situation worse. But then it also taught the kids not to trust me as much as because you were disciplining me, saying, you shouldn't be yelling at the kids. Well, the kids were there. And so we learned about being a team in front of the kids. And then what happened was what we would do because we meet Every week is whenever there was a thing that happened where maybe I did something in front of the kids or with the kids that you didn't agree on, that you bring it to our weekly meeting and say, hey, I don't like the way that you yelled at Max on Monday. Or I didn't like the way that you did.

[A]

You, like, beat Noah. Dan, I. Just kidding.

[B]

Come on. Noah's too cute.

[A]

I'm so sorry, babes. I'm so sorry.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Come hug me.

[A]

Stop it. Can't reject.

[B]

When we talk about these things on the meeting, you're like, hey, I just didn't like the way that you talked to Max that way. And those weekly meetings used to be tough, but now we just go through the checks and balances about everything that's going on and the wins and the losses. But being a team in front of the kids is what the kids need to see the most. You don't have to necessarily agree with me unless it's something completely audacious, which it rarely ever is. But being there together, I remember the moment where something happened in Australia and one of my children upset me a little bit much. And then I remember looking up at you in, like, your eyes, and I thought you were gonna get mad at me, but it was that moment where you're like, babe, I got you. And it's like we were all of a sudden a team in this whole world of parenting, which no one can ever figure out. And I felt so good to just know that we're both learning this. We've never raised kids our age before, so we don't know. So the lesson is where you can be united front with your kids is going to change everything when it comes to parenting.

[A]

What do you always say? You say something like, if they can

[B]

divide you, if the kids can divide you, you're divided.

[A]

That's it. So good.

[B]

And it creates a fracture in relationships. What you got?

[A]

My next one is that people talk about this all the time, and they say that they're really good about this, and they say that their partner is their best friend and that they're a party. And they say all this stuff, and I say, bullshit, because you gotta show me your calendar and your bank account. And that is a rule of our relationship that I always go back to. I can tell you how much I care about you I can tell you how much you mean to me I can tell you how much of your priority. But my honesty is always in my calendar. We just spent some time with an incredible human and his Wife, Rob Dyrdek and Brianna. And one of the things that Rob showed me was his calendar. What's cool is the way he tracks. He actually built custom software called Existence to do this. And he can click on his family, like, people in his life, their name. So he clicked on his wife's name, Brianna, and he could tell us statistically how much time he wanted to. So. Which he calls, like, planned living to what he actually lived and see if it's aligned with the integrity. To me, that is the big thing. If you truly believe that your partner, your family, your kids are priority, then look at your bank account. Are you actually deploying dollars to investing in that? Do you have vacations? Do you have date nights? Do you have babysitters? Like, I know some people that have no problem spending a lot of money on bullshit stuff that would never allow themselves to, like, go away on a retreat for two nights with just their partner. They'll be like, we can spend money on a home reno, but we can't find the time to get away for three days because I don't want to pay for a babysitter or nanny or whatever. So I think that's a big one. And the big lesson is, you put those things in the calendar first. The big rocks go in. The big rocks is a relationship. The rule, essentially, is, you are my priority. When we do our annual planning every year, we go in first, me and you, then me, you and the kids, then me, you, the kids, and our extended family. Right. We just got back from a big trip, and then the rest of it is the pebbles and the rocks and the sand and the water of life. And no matter what's going on in my life, if I want to know honestly how I'm prioritizing, I look at my bank account, my calendar.

[B]

Yep. And your calendar is so dialed in.

[A]

That's. I think me and Rob are friends because we both have a passion for scheduling and timing, which is bonkers.

[B]

Cause when we first started dating, you didn't even look at a calendar. You didn't have a calendar.

[A]

A lot of the strategies I've come up with are byproducts of pain.

[B]

That was painful.

[A]

Yeah, we had a very painful two years. That taught me a lot about myself and ourselves. We got through it, and that's why we're here, sharing our lessons learned with everybody so we can maybe support them in their journey. What do you got, babes?

[B]

Respect during exhaustion. So both of our lives have just started to really, really ramp up, like, next level. And I'm Doing big events and masterminds and us traveling a lot, too. And I'm a default introvert, and I'm proud of it. Maybe an extroverted introvert, but you know, where and when I get topped up is alone time. It's not doing all the social functions. Meanwhile, every night, if you had it your way, you'd have a dinner party at our house or you'd be going up.

[A]

Sometimes I do. You just don't know they're going on.

[B]

Okay, there you go. But you know I'm not like that. And it took you a while to figure it out. I remember we have our nights off every week. So Monday night after dinner is usually I can go and do whatever I want. I can have a bath. I can go out for dinner with friends. And I remember years ago when I was just having another alone evening, having, like a hot tub or something. You're like, why don't you schedule time with your friends? Why don't you coordinate in going out for dinner? You have your night off. And I'm like, this is what I want to do. And you just learn to respect that during those moments of exhaustion. Because I get easily tapped out during those social functions or doing big events that I don't need to be doing more.

[A]

Which is funny for me because Tuesday nights are my nights off. I'm like, okay, who's coming over after 5 at the office? What dinner am I doing? Am I going to stop in at a friend's house? And I just watch you. You're like, you go up into the room, you lock the door. You don't lock it, but you close it. Do the bath thing. Face mask and music and candle.

[B]

Meanwhile, you're, like, in your car, driving, talking to your friend.

[A]

You want to schedule, like, a massage or.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But then you realize that my exhaustion means I need to disconnect. Yes, I will not phone friends. I don't like talking on the phone.

[A]

Even, like, a couple nights ago, we had a new friend. I wanted to take him out for dinner. And you were like, babes, I'm just not feeling it. And I said, no problem.

[B]

But your default now is reflecting back on the last, like, 48 hours. And you're like, Renee's cadence of social function. She's probably tapped out. So you already preemptively tell people when they invite us, hey, Renee's a little bit tired. She might not be able to make it.

[A]

Yeah. And I don't even say you're tired. Cause I don't want to talk for you. I usually say, like, my wife has a lot going on and she may be able to join, she may not, I can't speak for her kind of

[B]

thing, but one of the things we do in our weekly meetings is ask each other what's going on for you this week that I can support you with?

[A]

Yeah, number one thing going on for you this week and how can I support you? My two favorite parts to the call. Because it's a neat way for us to figure out what's going on in each other's lives to support you. The way you just said, we just had our meeting.

[B]

What was mine for this week?

[A]

Nothing. Because we have friends coming over and you're just pumped to host them. I asked you what it was and you just went off on like, we're going to do this and we're going to do that. And I'm like, all right. So it sounds like if we just have a good time, you feel well supported.

[B]

But you know, I know you don't

[A]

have to tell me.

[B]

So what else you got?

[A]

What else do I got? This is a good one for me to remind myself, not remind myself because remember that I used to think this way and how dumb I was. And this is the rule and it's fuck, 50, 50, this whole 50, 50. Do you remember at the couples retreat when I was on stage and I went off on the men this year? Yeah. And I said, men, you need to step up and provide for your family so that your wife doesn't have to worry about anything. And if she needs to have support, if she needs to have her hobby, go create that world for her. And this isn't a masculine feminine thing, but this is just, I think a personal responsibility because I used to think that when we got together, we're both entrepreneurs, we both have businesses, we both like, you know, obviously I was in a different financial position, but it wasn't one sided. And I remember for a long time, for years, I used to like feel, I don't know if it was taken advantage of or I felt like I was doing more of the heavy lifting and like babes, you know, I'm sorry. Cause like that's such a dumb way to think about it. I have no idea. The mental, emotional, not stress, but the overhead it takes to think and care about our family. I watch you do it, I don't know how you do it. And it took me years to finally realize 50, 50 is so dumb. My rule is again, I can only speak for men. Step up, provide, be a man, stop playing video Games. Stop with the vices, Stop drinking with your buddies. Stop going to fucking Vegas on Bachelor Party. Like, I have a real problem with literally stop scrolling social media and liking other fucking women's posts. I have a real problem with this crap that goes on. And go focus on being a better you. So instead of 50 50, go be a hundred percent better. Because here's what's crazy is like, I thought, okay, well, I did my part. You got to do your part. Then luckily, I went through pain. And pain taught me, because pain is a perfect teacher, that if I show up a hundred percent for you, then magically Renee Poof becomes 100% who I want. Isn't that wild that it took me years to figure that out? So that's my rule. 5050 is dumb. There is no 50 50. You're a partnership. You're in it to win it. Regardless if you reciprocated, I would still show up at 100%. I want to be 100% better for you, Period. Full stop. And what I've discovered, and you've been such an incredible example of this, is that you will show up in the ways and meet the needs that I need.

[B]

But let's talk really quickly about contribution. I know that there's a lot of men that I've seen out there too, that think contribution meant, like, oh, we get asked this financial contribution.

[A]

Yeah. They're like, how do you deal with your finances? You, like, figure out the expenses and you each put 50% in a bank account.

[B]

We used to do that.

[A]

We didn't do it that way.

[B]

But let me talk about this. The financial contribution, I was contributing to paying the mortgage and car payments while having children. We also both didn't really know any different. We thought, this is just the way it is. And then when you realized that the contribution didn't mean financial contribution, especially a mother, a wife, it totally changed everything. Because the contribution was default to making sure the house was a home, the kids were taken care of. And you're like, oh, now I get it.

[A]

And what was cool is watching even you accept to allow yourself to live that rich life.

[B]

Yeah. And then now that the kids need

[A]

less of us, now we're both in it. We're like both living abida loco. We're like, yeah, how is this our life? Like, where are our kids?

[B]

They're back home.

[A]

I know. We sent them back with somebody else. Back to Canada.

[B]

No, they are always very taken care of. They have incredible humans in their life.

[A]

But we are 100% meeting each other all the way there so that the kids can be free and we could be with each other. All right, what do you got?

[B]

Private processing with public unity. Mm.

[A]

Tell her about that one.

[B]

So, you know when it's, like, you're at maybe, like, a big event or a social gathering, and maybe your significant other says something or does something you don't like, and it's just, like, it's in us to, like, call them out in that moment. It just doesn't actually bode well. And there were moments in our relationship where this would happen, and I would get maybe enraged, and I would be angry at you in front of other people. And it made for awkward moments, a lot of judgment. And what we do now is that we process those moments in private where we could say, usually at our weekly meeting, but sometimes it needs to happen sooner, where we'll say, hey, listen, I don't like when you said that thing or you did that thing or the thing that you said this way. Is it cool if you say it this way? Cause you not correct me, but you suggest things a lot like, hey, I don't want us to talk about this thing this way.

[A]

And that's the thing is, like, I think both of us have. I just call them preferences.

[B]

Yeah, the preferences.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But here's the thing is, most people don't actually honor those preferences, let alone communicate.

[A]

They don't communicate them. Yeah.

[B]

And so we each have our preferences, but in public, we're always honoring each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we don't talk down about each other.

[A]

Can I just share a quick anecdote? I was having dinner with a couple the other night with a guy on my team, and the couple literally argued three times. And I was laughing because I'm an idiot. And I used to do that with you at a dinner. So you know what I mean? Like, imagine you invite your friend, and you're telling the story, and I'm arguing with you around the facts of the story. There's no reason for that. You know what I mean? Like, if I don't think the story was right and you wanted to tell it the way you want to tell it, I can talk to you about on the drive home. Not going to crack now. I don't. But I used to. That's just another example to illustrate what that looks like.

[B]

Really. It comes down to saying how you feel about the situation in private, so. Good, because most of the time, in the moments, we overreact. And it's not necessarily from facts. It's just our feelings.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And you need to cool down a little bit, I'd be the person to say, I'll let me sleep on this.

[A]

So good.

[B]

So that's it. And what you got, this is my

[A]

last one, is the most important one. Everybody, if you didn't pull out a pen, take some notes, this is the one you're going to want to take some notes on. It's a big idea. It applies to business. We apply it to our marriage, which is even when we don't agree, we actually disagree and commit. And that idea of saying, I will support you, but I disagree. And we had a beautiful conversation about it. And again, these are in private to your point. You just said, is such a powerful idea. Let me tell you. I learned this from Jeff Bezos. Amazon does this all the time. Because when you have really strong leaders in a company or on a team, there's conflict. The whole point of having a team that has trust is conflict. Without conflict, there's no trust. So even when we have conflict in the regards to, like, preferences or ideas or approaches to stuff that we don't agree on, we just say, I don't agree, but I will commit. And I think it's such a powerful frame. Another way that we do this that you're going to laugh about that Ann brought into our life is what does she say? Heard. And heard is a passive aggressive way of doing this. So I don't suggest that, but it works. There's only two people my life that are allowed to say that is Ann and my wife Renee. And sometimes my kids try to pull this off. Yeah, it's so good. They're not allowed to say heard, which means shut up, I don't want to talk about it anymore. But the idea of disagree and commit is just such a beautiful concept because it's not I agree. It's I respectfully disagree. And I got you. And I will support you and I will fight for you in this scenario. Because another question to ask. I think your partner is out of 10. Where are you at on this topic? And like, I don't know if you've ever noticed, sometimes you're at a nine out of ten, I'm out of three. Then you're like, oh, if you're only out of three, can we do it my way? A hundred percent. I didn't know. Sometimes you're like arguing Both at a 10 out of 10 desire and the other person's at a 2. And if you just actually verbalize it, then you can get past that moment. So I just think the big idea is Make a decision, who owns it. Share that. You shared your philosophy. Like, I don't agree, but I'm going to commit and move forward. I think great marriages are ones that are always moving forward, and it's when they stay stuck that they start to fracture and they start to divide and they start the resentment. And that is. The resentment's the worst poison pill I think, of a great marriage.

[B]

Yeah. And the resentment is also just from not speaking up. I feel like, lack of communication. So my last point is about protecting connection over being right, which I jokingly said before the recording that I'm always right. So you're always protecting the connection.

[A]

It's called he said, she said, or she talks. And I listened.

[B]

And, you know, I couldn't think of a story about this that would make sense for this, but I wanted to just jump to the lesson and maybe the story will surface from my perspective. And what I mean by protecting the connection over being right is sometimes our ego gets so strong, we just fight for being right because you want to win. And what that really translates to is, like, you want to be seen and heard, but the protection of the relationship is about being seen and heard. Like, in those moments where we're arguing about something and, you know, I'm mad and you come up and you, like, hug me, and you mad. She'll, like, squeeze me in a way so I can't get away, my nervous system just completely resets. Even though I don't want you to know that.

[A]

Nope. And she fights me, and I do fight you.

[B]

But it's that protection and the being seen and heard allows the other person to be in that safe space. You're so good at this because you don't say necessarily, you're right, or, you know what? You say, shut up, Dan. You talk to yourself.

[A]

I do.

[B]

You say, shut up, Dan.

[A]

Dan, shut up right now. Don't say anything anymore.

[B]

But you say it out loud.

[A]

I do.

[B]

Like, there are moments when I was. I check, like, negative comments in some of my socials, and I'm reading them, and you come in and you start, like, grilling me about it. You walk away. You're like, shut up, Daniel. Because, you know, I just need to be in my feels.

[A]

She just loves. So I need to be in my comments. My wife is still in the early infancy of dealing with things.

[B]

I'm getting better. I'm getting better because today I was told I'm a terrible mother.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, no, I'm not.

[A]

Just wait. Every insecurity that you did know you should be insecure about will show up in your comments.

[B]

Yeah. But anyways. And we're getting better at this, because if you're in a relationship always to prove yourself about being right, it's doomed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless you're.

[A]

That time you were mad at me, and I didn't know how to have the conversation with you, so I literally just laid on the ground hoping that that position would get you to, like, not attack me anymore. And you were so mad. And then you're like, what are you doing? And I'm just like, I don't know what to say.

[B]

And then there was the time that you climbed in your own sink.

[A]

Yes. Several times. It starts in the sink, and then I work my way down to the edge of the shower, that little ledge. And then I will lay on the floor if it's really bad. And I usually am like, I'm not capable. I don't have the skills. I just don't have the ability to say the thing that I know I should be saying to make things right. And I'm sorry for that. And you're just like, oh, God.

[B]

God, totally. Yes. Anyways, I remember. I remember when we used to, like, punt it being like, this is a conversation to save. To have with our therapist.

[A]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, sometimes I'm like, can I call my therapist?

[B]

Dismissive on both of us.

[A]

I was legit. I was like, I don't know how to have this conversation. I think we should talk to someone.

[B]

No. But, yeah, anyways, we always protect that connection.

[A]

Yeah. Beautiful.

[B]

That was the last of mine.

[A]

All right, well, I just want everybody listening to know that we are zero. Perfect. We are still trying to figure this out. But I love my wife more today than I did the day I married you. That is a fact. I think you are the coolest person in the world. I introduce you today as my best friend because you are.

[B]

As a first. Oh, my God. I am a best friend.

[A]

You are my best friend again. We live into the words that we use. And some people don't use the right words to get what they want out of life. And that's just a tiny example of how you can apply it to your life.

[B]

Yeah. And it's so interesting with marriage, too, how we both show up like any marriage, a relationship with preconceived notions of what it really means to be a husband or a wife. And I think the best way to make it stronger is to just do it your way, regardless of what's expected of you. And we've done it. Cheers.

[A]

Cool. Cheers.

[B]

Wait. Before you go to support this show, please rate and review and share it with your business besties. It means the world to me to get this message in front of more women who are also on the pursuit of greatness. Tune in wherever you subscribe to podcasts, watch us on YouTube and follow me on Instagram. Reneewarren this show is produced in partnership with Martel Media. Sam.