How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Life

Summary

The Brian Buffini Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Life

Host: Brian Buffini
Published: August 4, 2026

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Overview

This episode is focused on parenting as a long game—how to raise resilient, capable kids in today’s world. Drawing on personal experience as a father of six and grandfather, as well as decades in coaching and business, Brian Buffini shares practical strategies, anecdotes, and mindsets for parents who want to equip their children to handle life’s challenges. The blueprint covers three core areas: empowering kids to make decisions, letting them experience safe adversity, and evolving your role from controller to coach and ultimately, confidant.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parent with Love, Not Fear (00:01–03:30)

• Main Message: Modern parents, especially moms, often parent out of fear—worrying about making mistakes or their child being affected negatively.
• Key Insight: Parenting from concern often translates to parenting from fear, which leads to reactive, symptom-chasing behavior. Instead, shift the motivation to love.
  • Quote: “The opposite of fear is not faith… perfect love casts out fear. So the opposite of fear is really love.” – Brian Buffini (01:32)
• Action Step: Evaluate: Are you making parenting decisions out of love or fear?

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2. Empowering Kids to Be Decision Makers (03:31–08:24)

• Developing Independence:
  • Avoid making all decisions for your kids—this creates dependency and inhibits their growth, even into adulthood.
  • Quote: “When you make all the decisions for your kids, you disempower them.” (00:18)
• Practical Example:
  • Buffini’s Walmart story: allowing his 5-year-old son to carefully choose one GI Joe out of many, emphasizing that earning rewards is tied to effort, not getting everything at once.
  • Quote: “Dad, is this the story of how you grew up poor in Ireland?” —Buffini’s son, recognizing the familiar lesson (06:44)
  • Lesson: Value is learned through effort and choice, not abundance.

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3. Letting Kids Face ‘Safe’ Adversity (08:25–13:00)

• Adversity Builds Character:
  • Every adult Buffini has coached identifies adversity as a key factor in their development.
  • Parents overprotecting children from any adversity undermine resilience: “Weights without any weight on the bar…that’s not great parenting.” (05:38)
• Safe Adversity:
  • Allow children to experience natural, safe consequences—mistakes and setbacks that teach reflection and growth without causing lasting harm.
• Anecdotes from Parenting & Coaching:
  • Buffini’s strict boundaries: no dating in junior high, no sleepovers at other houses—ensuring adversity is safe and standards are clear.
  • “You don’t turn this into ‘I don’t like your kid.’… My goal is to help your kid become as good as they’re capable of being.” (11:24)

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4. The Three Cs—Controller, Coach, Confidant (13:01–14:46; 18:05–21:56)

• Evolving Parental Roles:
  • Controller: Necessary in early years.
  • Coach: Guiding and questioning through school age.
  • Confidant: Building adult relationships based on trust and open communication.
  • Quote: “You’re a controller when the babies are young. Then you become the coach, then you become the confidant.” (00:45, 13:01)
• Listening is Key:
  • Buffini describes prioritizing asking questions and being a good listener rather than giving advice to his adult children.
  • Quote: “In our family, we spell love a certain way. Only one way. T-I-M-E.” (14:43)

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5. Parental Standards and Accountability (27:15–32:44)

• Setting Standards:
  • Leadership and parenting both require standards and consistent accountability. “The standard means nothing without accountability.” (27:45)
  • In both families and business, standards express values, and accountability cements them.
  • Quote: “In my business, not everybody gets to work here… standards come first, then accountability.” (31:37)
• Team Mindset:
  • The Greek word for family, “tema”, highlights the idea of the family as a team. The first team is the parental relationship—“Love your spouse and get on the same plane.” (28:19)
  • The same principles apply to building high-performing business teams—hiring for character, competence, and chemistry.

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6. Parenting and Leadership Parallels (25:02–27:15; 32:44–35:46)

• You’re Never Fully Ready:
  • New parents and new leaders alike go in unprepared; confidence and capability develop with experience.
  • Quote: “I told my oldest kid his whole life, I’m practicing on you… and now he has three kids of his own.” (25:28)
• Learning by Doing:
  • Buffini recommends humility: admit when you’re new, seek out knowledge, and be willing to learn from others and your own mistakes.

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7. Community, Support, and Example (16:15–17:19; 24:50–25:28)

• Leading by Example:
  • Children do more as you do than as you say.
  • Quote: “My kids don’t listen to a word I say. They’re too busy watching what I do.” (16:22)
• Long-Term Perspective:
  • Sometimes the fruit of parenting only shows “when they’re old”—so keep investing and modeling, even when results aren’t immediate.

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8. Live Q&A: Coaching and Scaling Service (33:05–40:44)

• Real Estate Parallels:
  • Jody, a Buffini coaching client, asks about how to scale high-touch service in a referral-based business without burning out.
  • Buffini draws on his own business experience: systems and standards allow you to scale and improve client service.
• Key Takeaways:
  • Build systems and team culture to deliver exceptional service.
  • “At 127 deals I was giving a far better experience… because I had systems in place, I had the team in place.” (35:46)
  • mindset is key: “The thought is, nobody can do it like me… but you can put it in systems and do more and better.” (36:27)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Perfect love casts out fear.” (01:33)
• “You’re a controller when the babies are young. Then you become the coach, then you become the confidant.” (00:45, 13:01)
• “Love is a four-letter word spelled T-I-M-E.” (14:43)
• [On parenting and coaching:] “Most of the kids are just fantastic. It’s the narcissism of the parent, it’s the fear of the parent.” (12:58)
• “I’ve never had a goal to be my kid’s best friend. Never. I have a great adult relationship with my kids today without ever having a desire or actually telling them.” (13:01)
• “If you try to control a kid, you will drive them away. And if you try to please the kid, …you’ll never be pleasing to them.” (21:30)

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Important Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01–03:30: Introduction, parenting out of fear vs. love.
• 03:31–08:24: Building decision-makers, Walmart GI Joe anecdote.
• 08:25–13:00: Adversity, safe consequences, sports team stories.
• 13:01–14:46: Controller-Coach-Confidant model explained.
• 14:43–16:17: Listening, spelling love as T-I-M-E, importance of example.
• 18:05–21:56: Adapting parental roles per child and situation.
• 27:15–32:44: Standards, accountability in parenting and business.
• 33:05–40:44: Live Q&A, scaling business service, applied systems and mindset.

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Summary Table: “Parenting the Long Game” Blueprint

| Principle | Description / Example | |----------------------------|:----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | Parent from Love, Not Fear | Respond from love, not anxiety; kids need intention, not overprotection. | | Build Decision Makers | Teach kids to weigh choices and consequences; let them earn rewards. | | Allow Safe Adversity | Let kids fail or be disappointed in a safe context to build resilience. | | Controller–Coach–Confidant | Shift roles as they mature; don’t aim to be their friend, but a trusted confidante. | | Standards & Accountability | Hold to family (team) standards; set clear expectations with loving enforcement. | | Model Over Words | Kids copy what you do more than what you say. | | Invest Time | Presence and time communicate love; relationships grow through shared experience. |

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Conclusion

This episode provides a grounded, personal, and actionable philosophy for raising independent, resilient children who can navigate life confidently. Buffini’s advice, built from both personal and professional experience, is delivered with humor and heart—a reminder that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and that the best outcomes come from leading with love, consistency, and presence.

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For Further Listening:

• Listen from [03:31] for the story on empowering kids’ decision-making.
• For Buffini’s “controller to confidant” philosophy, tune in at [13:01] and [18:05].
• The segment on standards and accountability begins at [27:15].
• Q&A on scaling referral businesses: [33:05] onward.

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Transcript

[Brian Buffini]

Hey, you got a minute?

I want to talk to you about how parenting is a long game. Now, I got a minute with you right now. And it takes more than a minute to be a great parent. Well, I have three major points on today's broadcast, as I always do, because parenting is not a short term thing. It's a long game.

Elish, can you give that in the mouth for me?

First thing we're going to talk about is how to teach your children to become great decision makers. Because when you make all the decisions for your kids, you disempower them. The second thing, we're going to talk about adversity, how to overcome adversity, and how as a parent, you don't want them to have the giant adversity that destroys their life. In a safe environment, Let them experience setbacks and challenges that they overcome so they become strong and independent. And then the third thing.

Hey, Al, how's it going?

You got a cup of tea for the old man?

Appreciate it, Bud.

You got to understand that you start out with your kids, and when they're young, you're the controller, right? You can't have bad things happen to them. Then you become the coach. And then later on, the goal is to be their confidant. If you do that right and invest the time right, you'll have that stage in life and it's the best time slant ya. Come join me today. Today's blueprint is about parenting, the long game. You know, I probably never wanted to ever teach on parenting. You never feel like you're doing it good enough. Nobody's perfect, and your kids don't turn out perfect. But my bride and I raised six kids. We now have five grandkids, and it turns out none of them are axe murderers. They all have gotten along pretty well. They're all pretty productive members of society. Love each other, love their families, love God. And I thought, well, if you guys want to hear it, I'll share a few tips on it. The number one thing I would say today from a big picture, starting out, is the number one thought that I think the typical parent has today, especially the typical mom, is I don't want to screw up my kids. They come from a position technically of fear. I don't want to make this mistake in case I screw up my kid. I'm concerned about the effect are. So we tend to parent from concern, which concern is a nice way of saying fear. And when we do something from fear, you're chasing the symptoms. So we want to do it out of love. You do it out of love. In fact, you love your kids so much you don't want to make a mistake. The fear is out of love. Now if you ask somebody what the opposite of fear is, sometimes they'll say it's faith. But the truth of the matter is the ancient scriptures say this perfect love casts out fear. Perfect love casts out fear. So the opposite of fear is really love. So here's my encouragement to everyone. My bride and I have counseled hundreds

of parents over the years.

We've done conferences, not specifically, maybe around because we homeschooled our kids. And people would ask, how do you be a, how can you be an entrepreneur? How come your kids are all athletes and you guys homeschool and we homeschooled 35 years ago when people thought we'd lost our mind. Today, homeschooling is a science. The most tools are amazing, there's connections, there's all kinds of like you can have your kids take Spanish and from a Guatemala teacher live, you know. So today it's a very sophisticated process for a lot of people, especially post Covid. So the first thing I would say is don't parent from fear, parent from love. The second thing I would say is this. Every human being I know, I'm in the adult coaching business, so we've coached well over 100,000 people. I've spoken or trained 4 million adults. And I would say every single adult I've ever had a private conversation with will say that the adversity they faced and overcame in their life was the making of them. And yet when it comes to our kids, we go to every length possible for a kid to avoid any kind of adversity at all. And I'll share some examples of that today. Now we don't want our kids and some parents do this, okay, you know, jump in the lake and see if you can swim type mentality, and that's not the case. We don't want our kids to learn the drastic decisions we don't want them to the severe mistakes that will take decades to recover, we don't want our kids to have to go through that adversity. We need to come alongside them. But if we try to engineer a world where A, I'm afraid to screw up my kid and B, I'm afraid for my kid to go through anything because it'll break them, it'll ultimately set in motion a very, very weak, soft, non persevering human being basically doing weights without any weight on the bar. We do the push ups for them and so that's really not great parenting. So I want to talk about this today, and maybe you'll get something from it. Maybe you'll disagree with it and how you raise your family, or maybe, maybe there's one or two things in here for you today. Number one thing I always want to do with our kids and Beverly and I was to build decision makers. We wanted to teach them how to think well. So help them become decision makers. Next, you want the consequences they experience to be the safe ones so you can turn their mistakes into reflection. And third, you're going to go from controller to coach to confidant. You're a controller when the babies are young. Then you become the coach, then you become the confidant. I think if you have those three Cs, you'll have a great adult relationship. So first and foremost, build decision makers. Again, we often jump in and help make the decision for the child. And then what happens is they become dependent on us, and then that role continues on. That role will never change when they're in their 30s. Well, you made that decision, Mom. You made that decision. You live with the consequences. So I'll give you an example. My son was always, throughout his life, was big into military toys and loved him GI Joes. As an adult man, he still has GI Joes. His mom gets him one at Christmas every year. He's a grown man, very good at his job, and has a beautiful wife and three kids. But his mom still gets him a GI Joe every year. I remember he was maybe 4, maybe 5 years old. We're at Walmart and the kids had worked and they'd done certain things in the schooling and whatever else, and we're going to reward him. So my two oldest kids, my oldest son and my daughter, we're taking them to Walmart to buy a toy because they'd earned it. And so my son goes, and he's just enamored. He sees all these toys and all these soldiers and he lays out like

basically just meticulously, one here and then

one here and then one here. And I'm standing at the end of the aisle just admiring this process of how he makes decisions. I was like, fantastic. And he had about 25 soldiers laid out on the ground. And I went, okay, I'm really fascinated how he's going to choose. Like, this is interesting. So I'm just standing there watching him. He walks up to me and he goes, dad, Dad, I have an idea. Why don't we get them all now? My father had told me, Brian you have a different problem parenting than I do. He said, when you were growing up and you asked me for something, I said no, because we couldn't afford it. He says, you have to say no, and you can't afford it. It's a different problem. So I go, hey, son. I said, that's fun. And I said, I've been enjoying watching your process. But I said, let me tell you this. And he goes, looks at me lovingly. I was the apple of his eye. Dad's a hero. And he goes, dad, is this the story of how you grew up poor in Ireland? He was just trying to save me the bother. He was trying to get to the. Let's just fast forward. And apparently I'd said it enough. Even at five years of age, I'd used up that story. So the grown up poor in Ireland story wasn't gonna work. So what I shared with him was this. I said, you worked very hard this week, didn't you? Yeah. I said, you were great at your chores this week.

Yeah.

And I said, the reward for you

is you get a soldier.

I said, what I don't want to do for you is I want to ruin you. Because you need to know that when your effort, there's a compensation you get from the marketplace. And I said, if you do work and you got paid for, instead of one day, you got paid for 100 days, eventually you'd be ruined. He's five years old. I said, so what I'm going to teach you right now is the value of your work. You earn that. Dad's not buying you anything. You bought this, you earned this. You designed this, and you get to choose the very best one. And if you have a great week next week, we'll come right back here and go through the process again. He tells me, to this day, 28

years later, that's with him all the time.

And now he found himself at a Target store over Christmas having the same conversation with his kids. I feel like I've made something happen. Help them become good decision makers and why? The next thing is make sure that the consequences from their decisions, the adversity they face, they're the safe ones. You know, here's the thing. We were strict parents, okay? Like, our kids didn't date in junior high and early in high school. Dude can't drive a car and pay for a date. He ain't taking you out. Oh, but, dad, what about this? What about that? No, no, we're not making that mistake. I'll be honest with you. None of my Kids ever went to a sleepover. The sleepovers were always at my house, by the way. We always had a great house and it was always kid friendly, kid centric. My house has always been the center. My kids, college age kids and adult kids with kids. My house is still a hangout spot for them and their friends. They come over all the time, even as adults. I walked into my house the other day, one of my son who's 28 years old, his basketball buddy from high school is sitting in my living room watching a K drama with his feet up on my coffee table. Hey, Mr. B. What up? He's 28 years old. He's been coming to my house since he was 14. You know what? I love it. But our house was the center. We didn't have people go there. You know why? Because there's major problems happening. And you know what? The other families knew our house was

going to be safe because we had standards.

So when you make those decisions again, I was okay. I was not trying to be my kids friend. I was being my kid's dad. There are times my kids did not like me because I said no and I told them why and I explained it. There were times we were strict. They didn't always love us, they didn't always love our decisions. But if you do that long enough, you'll see the change. One of the things I've seen a lot of is not in just raising my own kids, but Beverly and I have coached a lot of sports and we love the kids. And I could definitely leave the parents and what I see on sports because sports is when you squeeze an orange out comes orange juice because that's what's inside. There's nowhere to hide. They're on the court, they're on the field, they're on the pitch. There's nowhere to freaking hide. You see it in drama in today's world, my kid's not playing. Playing time. Okay? And I would say to the parent, I want you to come to practice and watch how we coach your kid and watch how your kid is getting better and watch how we love on your kid and your kid right now. If you want your kid to play in this game, you're teaching them that your talent and your gifts needs to be rewarded by the marketplace. Even though you don't deserve the job, you deserve to get paid. I said come to practice and see your kid. What? The truth of the matter is you want to come and see your kid score the goal and see little Johnny and Jane get all the glory here's. The thing. There's a lot to be learned from sitting on the bench. And here's what you need to know. You don't turn this into I don't like your kid. Come to practice and see how I love on your kid. And my goal is to help your kid become as good as they're capable of being, whether they make this team or not. I've seen this dynamic over and over and over again and I've seen it all. Our kids played competitive sports, at least three sports each. And here's the thing, the kids are great. The parents are a disaster. And the reason the parents are disaster, because their world is consumed with the kid. They want the outcome without doing the work and they don't want their kid to suffer. Oh my gosh, my kid is going to be crushed. And they're in the car bitching and moaning about the coach and the players because they don't like you. Are you a moron? The coach wants to win. The coach wants to win. They're putting the best people on the court, trust me. Oh, your kid is some superstar and they're going to sit him on the bench? No, no, that's not how it works. Now some coaches, it's win at all costs and they got a different problem. But I've seen this over and over and over and over and over again with coaching in sports. And I will say this, parents, let your kids experience the difficulty, Let him experience the disappointment. Talk to the coach, what can I do to help them get better? Go to practice, what really counts. Not the glory in front of the school. What happens in practice and if they're not championed. As a kid, I've had to make the decision. We had a coach that was a mean spirited dude. I pulled my kids, one of my kids from the team turned out later on, the guy, he ended up in jail. He was a bad dude. And I saw it and I'm like, no, that's an adversity I'm not gonna let you have.

Okay?

That guy's just a mean spirited guy. He's brutal to the team, he's brutal to people. Cause it's all about him and not about the kids. So sometimes you have to make that decision. And my kid went from that sport disappointed and played a different sport. And he went to a national championship on that other sport and loved the kids and loved the coach. So I've seen it over and over again. I can't remember. The dog trainer, what's his name? Cesar? Is that him? And he goes there's no bad dogs, there's only bad owners. Most of the kids are just fantastic. It's the narcissism of the parent, it's the fear of the parent and it's the. I don't want my little Johnny or Jane to break by having the adversity. The adversity will be the making of them. I've coached at every level and I will tell you, there were kids that sat on the bench when I was a coach that went on to do extraordinary things. And they will say that season in life was the making of them. You gotta be willing to hang tough so that your kids can grow up and be strong. Otherwise they're weak and entitled. Lastly, you're gonna shift. You're gonna go from controller, which is when they're babies, to coach all the way through school and then you want to become the confidant. I have never had a goal to be my kid's best friend. Never. I have a great adult relationship with my kids today without ever having a desire or actually telling them to go on to do other things. Four of my kids work for me today. I didn't want them to work for me. I didn't ask them to work for me. In fact, go away. My kids are close. Why? Because we're confident.

My bride knives.

How are we confident with our kids?

Two things.

One, we ask a lot of questions. We just ask a lot of questions and we've made a commitment to be good listeners. I'm a talker. I give advice for a living. I'm given the blueprint here today.

I get paid to give people advice.

When it comes to my kids, my adult kids, I do not give them advice.

I ask them questions.

And then in our family we spell love a certain way. Only one way. T I M, E. Love is a four letter word spelled T I, M E. You want to have great relationships, you invest the time. When I have a day off and I'm traveling around the world, I had a huge year. I was, I became the CEO of my own company for the fourth time. I took on major tasks. I, I'm traveling, speaking and running the company. Didn't have time for half the things but I would take one day off a week and you know what I would do on Fridays? I would go and my daughter and my daughter in law both had babies a week apart. I go to my daughter's house in the morning. On Friday I go to Sprouts and I get her entire list of groceries. I come and cook her a brunch. I get to hang out with the baby and then I leave and I go to Trader Joe's because my daughter in law likes Trader Joe's and I get her shopping list and then I hang out with the grandbaby and then I go home and take Beverly out for dinner. That's my Fridays. That's the greatest reward I have. I'm a member of five golf clubs. I can travel around the world and do all kinds of things, but when I was having one day a week off only, that's what I do. Because love is spelled T I M E and those girls know I'm not as good at taking care of the babies as grandma is. But grandpa would hold them and burp them and let them spit up on them and do whatever and make lunch and get groceries because it's a hard time getting groceries without with a four month old baby. T I M e so whatever. This is helpful. Parenting is a long game. And if you're in a spot today where your kid's not where you want them to be or they're really going

through a rough part, I'll say this.

My favorite verse in the Bible for parenting says train up a child in the way they should go and when they're old, they'll not depart from says when they're old, they'll not depart. My kids don't listen to a word I say. They're too busy watching what I do. They're too busy watching how I live and they've done that their whole lives. So here's my goal. My goal to be the best parent in the world is to love my bride, that's it. And then spend time with them. And so my encouragement to you, if you're going through a tough time, you got a kid making poor decisions, just hang in there. Because it says when they're old, they'll not depart from your example. You may not even be on this earth when they go, mom was right, dad was right and they start following your footsteps. So help build good decision makers, make sure those consequences, they're the safe ones. And then you're going to shift from being the controller to the coach to the confident. That's parenting the long game. I hope that was helpful for you today. That's today's blueprint.

[Ethan Butte]

Hey, my name is Ethan Butte. I am chief ambassador here at Buffini and Company. I have the privilege of learning and sharing the stories, insights and lessons from so many wonderful people in the Buffini community for everyone's collective benefit. And part of that includes the opportunity to ask Brian.

[Brian Buffini]

There we go.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

Ask away.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

Yeah.

[Ethan Butte]

So we're getting into, you know, parenting. The long game is, I think, how you set it up and described it. The. The little model in there is going from control to coach to confidant. And, you know, it's. It's. Obviously the answer is not as simple as, you know, from this age to this age, you're controlling. From this age to this age, you're coaching. But in general, how do you see that going? And is it different per kid and different per parent? Like, how should someone think about the transition points?

[Brian Buffini]

Yeah, well, my wife and I have six kids, including a set of twins, and I think one of the keys to success is that none of them were the same and we didn't treat them all the same, you know, and I'm. I'm familiar with the parenting style. It's like we drive into McDonald's and eight of you are having cheeseburgers. You know what I mean? You know, so there's that style, I think that my family, varge and my dad thought he did treat us all the same, but didn't. You know what I mean? And I intentionally. My wife intentionally made a commitment not to treat all our kids the same, that. To champion them to be who they were. So, again, I would say this. Obviously, at the very young age, you're in the control stage, and to me, it kind of through middle school, like, hey, you know, there's a lot of knotted negotiations going on here, a lot of questions, but there's not a lot of negotiations as you get into high school. I think it's really important now that the coach shows up and now you're asking more questions, you're helping them develop the ability to make decisions. You know, sometimes you'll see some person mature quicker than someone else, or girls and boys differences and things like that. But I think, you know, for us, we were in that coach, and I probably will say it's easier for the dad to go into coach mode and for mom to release the control mode. You know, moms by nature are protective. And so dads by nature, like, oh, no, the kids are fine. I think they're juggling knives down by the river. But I think that coach piece is good. And then you come along, right, and you kind of transition. And then the confidant is ultimately where you've built a relationship with the kid, where, you know, they're able to go to school, they go to college, they're going to make their mistakes, but that you're there and that you're there to engage, not to inquire. And, you know, I'm good if you're good, and let's talk. And then at times, it's like, with each one of my kids, there's been a time during that developmental period where I went back from confidant into coach mode. It's like, hey, you know what? Seems like you're struggling a bit. You know, let's go for a walk. Let's go for a game of golf. Let's go for, you know, we're on a. We're on. Let's. We're going to do a family vacation and, you know, let's hit the volleyball at the beach. And, you know, I think the thing I'm happiest about for me and my wife is we have kids that can talk to us about anything, and they have talked to us about anything still to this day. So I think that's the goal. And it's not easy and it's not clean, and they don't come out in perfect little wrappers. You have kids, you know the story. But I think that's it. It is a good transition to think about. I talked to a gal here recently, lovely lady, and she's forlorn because her daughter's gone off to college and she's literally seven. A psychological episode over this, and I'm like, you know, there's a reason they make fourth grade desks so small, so they won't fit into them when they're 15. Like, the kids are designed to grow and leave. And the evidence of your parenting is how well they leave and how well they grow. And the goal is that with that independence, that bird flies back around and goes, hey, I want to hang out.

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

So. And I think it's interesting, the parents that are controlling or the parents that are pleasing end up with neither. If you try to control a kid, you will drive them away. And if you try to please the kid, they will eventually never be pleas. They'll never be able to be pleased, and you'll never be pleasing to them. So I think that's why that confidant role is a good goal to have as opposed to, we're going to be best buddies.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah. And I like that slide, too. Like, different moments in different seasons might call for a little bit more coaching than confidant. One of the things that I loved in the blueprint, of course, was the idea of asking questions and, like, just actively and engaged listening and remind me a little bit of, like, you know, Whether it's a therapist, whether it's a mentor, whether it's a parent, whether it's a good salesperson. This process of asking questions that you're sincerely interested in and then actively listening is obviously just a really healthy way to build a relationship and build understanding and shared understanding. The thing that I'm curious about in this context, again, whether it's as a salesperson or whether it's as a parent, you know, sometimes we might have a tendency to ask a leading question. We know where we want that because the process of asking the therapist piece is self discovery. It's the most powerful way to learn. And so if you can guide someone through their own thoughts, that's a thing. But sometimes you want to guide them to your thoughts. Like talk a little bit about leading questions.

[Brian Buffini]

Saying kids are immune to that. I told a story on one of our episodes about one of my five year old boys going, hey, dad, is

this a story when you grew up poor?

Here's the thing.

By 5, he already knew my playbook.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

And it's like we honest to goodness think, oh, they don't know what I'm doing right now.

Let me say this, the greatest gift I've had when I talk about this dynamic of companion. I go to my kids for advice. The people I trust the most in my life for advice for me are my own children. I ask for their advice, I ask for their input in many areas. If I go through all six of my kids, there's area of their character that is something to be aspired to for me. There's areas in their decision making, there's areas in their practice where they're further along the path than I am. And I go to my kids for advice.

I'll go to my kids.

I'm the guy who might be the most recognized real estate expert in the world, yet my last two purchases, I went to my kids and go, what

do you guys think?

Why? Because none of us can. Like in a golf analogy, none of us can see our own swing. And I mean, I remember we made an $8 million purchase on the ocean and I was going to buy a house that was more inland and my son at the time was 15, 16 years old. And he goes, well, dad, it seems like if you're going to make the move, if you can't see the ocean, what's the purpose? That's kind of freaking brilliant.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

And that was an $8 million purchase. And the other part of it is

these people know you when you go to them for advice. That's the word companion. When you go to them for advice and legitimately and you see their input, you go, oh, they have a lot to offer. And oh, by the way, when they need advice, they'll more readily come to you because they see it's not just you've switched roles. You're not just the coach, you're not just the controller. Like, I genuinely put heft behind what

[Ethan Butte]

their input is right off the top of the blueprint. You mentioned that some parents don't have confidence or they're not ready. I don't. I think we're ever really ready to become a parent. Likewise. Certainly in the.

[Brian Buffini]

In.

[Ethan Butte]

In our world, a lot of team leaders or anyone in a leadership role is never really ready for it. They're never really prepared for it. They go into it with a lack of confidence. They're not able to, you know, manage these progressions in their relationships with folks. What advice would he give to a new parent or a new leader about where to go to, like, get their feet under them? Or is it just like. It's trial by fire. You're never going to be ready. You just do it. You'll figure it out.

[Brian Buffini]

I told my oldest kid his whole life, I'm practicing on you.

And now he has three kids of his own. He's like, you were practicing on me? I'm like, I wasn't lying.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

You know, I mean, I never forget, you know, and you talk about parenting styles. When our first son was born, my wife looks at the baby and this is, you know, we talk about the real strengths profile. And she goes, I wonder what our grandkids are going to look like, because she's a global person. And I'm like, how do we get this into the car seat?

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

You know, it wasn't it at that time.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

And how do we get it into the car seat and get it home? Because I'm a little more specific.

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

So you have, you know, your different styles. I think the second thing is, like, in. In my. In my real estate career, I remember I hired my first assistant. She was a great assistant, and I was a terrible boss.

I didn't know how to be a boss.

I knew how to be a salesman, and I had to learn. And unfortunately, I told her, like, I'm learning. And. And sometimes your first assistant doesn't work out, not because they're not great, but because you're terrible.

Yeah.

So now. So you know the difference with the kids, you got to keep the kid. You know what I mean? So I Think, you know, other people's experience, other people's time. That's where you become a student. You know, the truth of the matter is I did read all the parenting books my wife gave me. And the truth of the matter is when I started my first team, I read all the leadership books I'd never read and the hiring books I never read because now I had a need. So I think the. I think the greatest mistake people have with leadership as a whole is this. I'm naturally supposed to be great at it. That you have to have all the answers as a leader and that you're always afraid either not only to make a mistake, but to show that you made a mistake. And I would say I used to think all those three things, and now I have no problem with all three things.

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah. Another thing that a lot of leaders and parents struggle with is, and this came up when you're talking about why your home is the hangout even today for a lot of folks, is that you had standards around it. And when I think about leadership in a real estate context or a mortgage context, where or in a parenting context, it's the discipline to set standards, but then also to have the accountability that goes with it. Because the standard is the rule is written, but the first exception is the new standard. Right. Like the standard means nothing kinda without accountability. How do you. Because. And I think where a lot of people struggle, again, on your progression there of relationship, I think a lot of folks think that accountability is control. I'm controlling the situation. Standards and accountability are about control, but really it's about what's best for everyone. How would you parse that out for somebody who struggles to hold people accountable because they think that they don't want to be too controlling?

[Brian Buffini]

Okay, well, I'll start with the family, work out to the business.

Okay, the first thing is.

So the, the Greek word for family is tema, which is where we get the English word team. And so people go, I'm afraid to run my business like a family. I'm not. Yeah, I'm not. Now it's not a family unit, but it is a tema. Now the first part of that for me was the first part of my team was Beverly Robinson. And so here's a daughter of an Air Force 24 year Air Force vet, highly structured Olympic athletes, you know, all American volleyball player, great athlete, knew all about standards. And so I would say the first place there was she and I formed the original tema, and we still are to this day. And so when my kids Ask me for parenting advice. I say, love your spouse and get on the same plane. Beverly and I are a great team, and then we expanded our team. I think in business, you've got to start there. That's why I say when you're in business, the most important relationship for a practitioner is their personal assistant. The personal assistant is the foundation of everything. If you can't get that right, forget about having a big team or an organization or a brokerage or anything like that. And So I have three Cs for that, which is character, competency and chemistry. And I'll give you an example. My assistant today, who's now graduated to be the chief chief of staff at Buffini Co. Jeanette. When Jeanette was hired and she'd worked in the company, she had been an assistant for other people. And they're like, oh, I don't think she's.

Because everybody was terrified of the Wizard.

And so, you know, she's not going to be have enough for you and she's not going to be able to do this. Three or four people in the organization, she's not this. I sat down with her. She didn't have the competency of then being an executive assistant to the owner of a business, the chairman of the board, but character off the charts and chemistry off the charts. And I knew her confidence was in her capacity. So I said, here's the deal.

I'm going to hire for character and

I'm going to hire for chemistry. She has competency, but she just needs more experience. I'm going to give her a lot of that. Well, nine years later, she's the chief of staff at the company first several hundred employees and one of the most influential companies in real estate. So I think when you start that team, that first relationship is key. Character, confidence, chemistry. And you have to get yourself in the right mode. And then, then the standards come and it's bottom line is like when Buffini Real Estate, when I would hire somebody, go, not everybody gets to work here. Just not everybody gets to work here. Like a minimum. You have to, you have to do two transactions a month to be part of my team on your own. And if you didn't do 24 deals a year, it just like, this is not the place for you. There's lots of place for you. And it's no judgment. But I had people, when I interviewed them, they wet their pants and ran out the door and never came back for a second interview. Because two transactions a month. And it was to me, like, I want people who are Capable of two. And I'm going to help them do four, because they're going to get a lot of benefit here. Now, the person who walks in the door goes, I'm not doing that now, but by God, I'm going to do it. I'm like, bring it on. I hired a single mom who'd never sold a house in a day in her life, but she had that grit and she had that fire, and she had stabilized her family when her husband had walked out on her. And I went, okay, I'm going to pour into you. And she was awesome. And she blew away our standards. So bottom line is not everybody gets to work here. Here's the standards in a more functional way. It's core values. You know, the core values at Buffining company have as much to do with how employees treat one another as we do our customers. The one unforgivable sin for me as the owner of this business in 30 years is if a leader mistreats a staff member.

Like, if that goes on, like, that is a very.

I have very low tolerance for that. I may give someone a second chance, but never a third. Like, and yet if somebody's working for me and they make mistake after mistake after mistake, I'll give them chance after chance after chance, sometimes way too long. But the core value is, you know, we're going to treat one another a certain way, and here's our core values as a company. And if you're in a leadership position, don't. Don't take care of somebody who reports to him. You go. Because that's the standard.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah, man. You've got me all fired up for the new podcast I'll be starting for Buffini and Company on team leadership and broker.

[Brian Buffini]

Very excited about this.

[Ethan Butte]

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Really looking forward to it. Thanks for all of this. And it is time for you now to go coach some folks up.

[Brian Buffini]

Let's go.

Hey, welcome to Coach Em Up. We are live in Kaanapali on the

island of Maui, getting ready for our peak experience event. The 500 top agents we have in our whole network.

And we have what's been great, because

I've been talking to some folks who've been to me 20 years and 25 years. I have someone who's with us just a year. Her name is Jody. You're from Nashville.

[Jody]

Nashville, yes.

[Ethan Butte]

Great.

[Brian Buffini]

So excited to have him today.

[Jody]

Thank you so much for having me. This means a lot.

[Brian Buffini]

How long you been in real estate?

[Jody]

I've been in real estate five and a half years.

[Brian Buffini]

All right.

[Jody]

Yes. Great.

[Brian Buffini]

And now you're up coaching with Buffini.

[Jody]

I love it.

[Brian Buffini]

And how's that been going?

[Jody]

It's been absolutely fantastic. Best. Best decision I've made.

[Brian Buffini]

Who's your coach, Coach?

[Jody]

Doug.

[Brian Buffini]

Oh, Dougie. Dougie Fresh, my fellow Charger fan. He's my boy.

[Jody]

I love him.

[Brian Buffini]

So we have a chance here.

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

We'll do a little one on one coaching with myself.

[Jody]

I love it.

[Brian Buffini]

What's the question you have for me?

[Jody]

So my question is at what point does delivering exceptional service limit your growth? And how do you scale a referral based business without losing that personal touch or burning out?

[Brian Buffini]

Great question. So we're happy to be at the Ritz Carlton.

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

And you know what the Ritz Carlton is known for more than anything else? Worldwide service. The service. And you know why they do great service? Because they have the number one hotel training program in the world. In fact, I've been all over the world where Ritz Carlton sold their hotel to another chain and that they just left the people in place. So you asked about exceptional service. Our whole program was built on. Can you put your name to that right now? Let me ask you this question. Have you. Who's your coach? Dougie.

[Jody]

Doug.

[Brian Buffini]

Dougie Fresh.

[Jody]

Yep.

[Brian Buffini]

That's what I call him. Is he a good coach?

[Jody]

He is amazing. I love him. It has made such a difference. And you want to hear something else? Yeah. I used to work for Ritz Carlton.

[Brian Buffini]

Is that right?

[Jody]

I was in the. I worked for a corporate Marriott for 30 years. Right.

[Brian Buffini]

That's a question.

[Jody]

No, I don't.

[Brian Buffini]

Because here's the thing.

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

I don't coach you. Doug does.

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

I have an army of those people that are extraordinary. They're extraordinary at what they do. So where do we devote our time? As you grow your business, you build out your systems and you train the people you bring onto your team from whoever answers your phone, whoever's part of your transaction team. I don't care if it's an escrow company, I don't care if it's a lender, I don't care if it's a title person. Here's how we're going to treat my customers. And we have all this, we have all the dialogues for this, all the training for this, all the systems for this. I remember I went my first year in real estate, I did 42 transactions. And the second year I did 60. My third I did 87. Then I went to 99. Then I went to 127. Do you know at 127 deals. I was giving a far better experience to my customers than at 42.

[Jody]

Wow.

[Brian Buffini]

Because I had systems in place, I had the team in place. The level of care was extraordinary. But now the level of care was spread amongst everyone in my team. The person who answered the phone, my transaction coordinator, it was everywhere.

And the people would call and go, hey, can I talk to Pat Moore? And they didn't want to talk to me.

They want to talk to Pat Moore. Because she was extraordinary as the transaction coordinator. So you have this in your background. You're doing a great job. What's your team? What's your business look like right now? How many transactions will you do this year?

[Jody]

Say, well, my goal is 20.

[Brian Buffini]

Fantastic.

[Jody]

Yeah.

[Brian Buffini]

Well, what if I told you that you're going to put systems in place at 20?

And you'll think.

Because here's what the thought is, nobody can do it. Like me. If I can do it, nobody can do it.

You can only handle one or one

and a half transactions a month. And I had this experience. I'll tell you a little story if you have time.

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

My original mentor, he was a partner in my business. His name was Gene Kuhlman, and he used to tell me when I was first in business, he go, brian, you do more than six transactions in a month, you're shot. It was like your arms, legs are

going to fall off.

And I had went to a seminar like this, and I set goals and I wrote goals. And at the time, my oldest son had just been born. I was the first guy married, and I had the first grandson. You got to remember, this is. My son is 33. There was no zoom, and we were the only people on our street in Dublin that had a telephone. And you didn't use it very often because how expensive it was international. So my mom and dad have never seen, other than a photograph of my son. He's 18 months old. So I set out a goal, not only to go on a trip to Ireland with my wife, who's never been to Ireland, for my parents to see their grandson, but to get all my brothers and sister together from wherever they were and to pay for everybody's flights, to get a house down in the west of Ireland, Clare, my favorite county. And we're going to go do this trip and have this great experience. And I wrote this goal out. I used this technique from a man named Lou Tice. What if you do it? What if you don't? All this stuff.

And it was so compelling to me.

I wrote a goal, and this goal was like I gotta do this. So here's what I did. I put the trip on an American Express card. Now this is 32 years ago. I had 45 days until the bill came in and then 30 days to pay it. So I had 75 days to pay for this thing. You follow?

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

And it was eight grand. Now, Dave Ramsey, who's my good friend, has probably fallen down listening to this, but I actually think it was like, it might have been like 60 some days.

And I started going through my database,

going through 3 by 5 cards to date myself. And I found old leads I hadn't called, people I hadn't followed up with. The first month I sold 12 homes. The next home, next month I sold 13. I did 25 transactions. My frame of reference was Gene telling me, if you do six, your arms and legs are going to fall off. And what I discovered, because the goal was so compelling that it pushed me past your fear is if I do more sales, the quality will suffer. So this is your first peak.

[Jody]

Yes.

[Brian Buffini]

You're about to be introduced to the most extraordinary bunch of people. You're going to be in groups of 10, synergizing at lunch. We've intentionally picked everyone at the group they're supposed to be. You're going to be surrounded, whether you know this or not, because Dougie makes some recommendations. So the coach says, here's what would be great for you. And so you're going to be sitting with some people who used to do 20 and then do 40 and then do 60, who are now today we have people in there doing several hundred transactions and they are the quintessential pros whose clients would take a bullet for them. And they're. You're going to get exposed to that. So you just put yourself in an environment to get exposed to the best of the best. You're going to get exposed to the best of the teaching we have, and we're going to help train you. The first thing we have to do is change your mindset that you can do more and better, more and better. That the quality of the service will improve as your systems improve, that the quality of the service will improve. Eventually you're going to need some help and you're going to get some staff

and you'll be able to do a

better job, exceed their expectations even more, get more referrals. And then one day you'll have the magical thing they'll call and ask to speak to one of your team, not you. Okay, so I'm so excited for you. You know, you're with us. You're already doing great. You got a great coach, and you're about to experience the next three days. And it is pure magic. And so I'm glad to be able to coach you up here today. But what's most magic about our company is this community of great people. We call them the White Hats. They produce at a high level, and they're great people. And you're going to be sitting with a table of them for 10 for three days. And then a whole bunch of them tonight, a whole bunch of them at the luau. And then throughout the three days.

[Jody]

I can't wait.

[Brian Buffini]

I'm so glad you came. So proud of you, kiddo.

So proud of you.

[Jody]

Thank you so much. I appreciate this time with you.

[Brian Buffini]

Yep. Well, thanks for joining me today. I really hope you enjoy this program. I hope you get a lot out of it. You know, there's a lot put into it right here in the studio right now. I have seven people who work on

this show to bring it to life for you.

So we want to impact and improve your life. Now, I do have a favor to ask. All the work and all the effort that we pour into you, would you believe that only 15% of the people who listen to this program every week like and subscribe to it? So can you help help me do this? Let's get that number up. Can you today take action like and subscribe to the show? Come and watch it. It's a great watch. And when you like and subscribe the show, it really helps us also share it with a friend. Maybe you know someone who'd appreciate this show as well. Thanks for spending your time with me today. I hope it blessed you. And join me next time on the next episode of the Brian Buffini Show.