Quick Cut: S2E335 Own Your Past, Change Your Future with Dr. John Delony

Summary

It's a Good Life with Brian Buffini

Quick Cut: S2E335 – Own Your Past, Change Your Future with Dr. John Delony
Aired: October 2, 2025
Host: Brian Buffini
Guest: Dr. John Delony

Overview:

In this Quick Cut of “It’s a Good Life,” Brian Buffini sits down with Dr. John Delony to discuss the profound impact our personal stories and beliefs—especially those inherited from our families, communities, and culture—can have on our future success and satisfaction, both in business and in life. Together, they explore practical steps for “owning” your past, the science behind self-talk, the critical importance of connection, and the path to lasting transformation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power and Weight of Our Stories

• Inherited Stories: Dr. Delony illustrates how we unconsciously internalize stories from family, community, and cultural institutions, which shape our beliefs about ourselves and what is “right” or “good.”
  • “There's a set of stories that we're born into and these are the ones our church passes along to us... We don't even realize we're downloading those pictures into our minds. They just are, right?” —Dr. John Delony (01:00)
• Personal Anecdotes: He shares examples both subtle and overt—from comments about appearance to unspoken expectations in family roles—that shape self-perceptions and behaviors.

2. Self-Talk and Its Consequences

• Why Self-Talk Matters: Brian recalls working with Dr. Shad Helmstetter on the importance of internal dialogue.
  • “When we say negative things to ourselves, we believe them.” —Brian Buffini (02:54)
• Not Just Psychological—But Physical: Dr. Delony explains that negative self-talk triggers physiological responses, putting the body into stress and passing those patterns down generationally.
  • “These things aren't just thoughts. They have a consequence in our bodies. And we pass them on to our kids, and they pass them on to their kids. And these stuff roll downhill through generations.” —Dr. John Delony (04:00)

3. Changing the Internal Narrative

• Identify the Origin:
  • “Ask yourself, where's my picture of mom? ...Who put this picture of mom or parenting or right and wrong? Where did I get those stories?” —Dr. John Delony (05:00)
• Acknowledge Reality & Grieve: Acceptance and sometimes grieving or forgiveness are required before moving forward.
  • “You gotta own reality. ...That takes grief. Sometimes we have to forgive, which is hard.” —Dr. John Delony (05:31)
• Community is Essential:
  • “No life change of any sort that is sustainable can happen by yourself.” —Dr. John Delony (06:39)
  • He stresses the myth of the “self-made” individual, emphasizing that transformation requires connection—whether with friends, counselors, or coaches.

4. Thoughts and Actions: The Pathway to Change

• You CAN Change Your Thoughts:
  • “I'm going to be about changing my thoughts. And we don't know that we can change our thoughts. And you can. Absolutely.” —Dr. John Delony (07:03)
• Controlling the Controllables:
  • “The only two things on planet Earth I can control: my thoughts and my actions. Period. And I'm going to do this over and over and over again.” —Dr. John Delony (07:15)
• It's a Repetitive Process: Life will always present new challenges, so this work is ongoing.

5. Buffini’s Personal Experience with Transformation

• From Audience to Impact: Brian shares his own transformation—learning from mentors and realizing that true impact requires more than speaking on stage; it’s about creating communities and sustained connection.
  • “Standing ovations weren’t my currency... For me, it had to be tangible, which is six months, a year from now, I wanted to see some kind of change.” —Brian Buffini (08:05)
  • “People had to get connected. And once you’re connected, then that lays the groundwork, I believe, to change your thoughts.” (09:06)
• Practical Application: Training, connection, and positive “input” gradually shift thoughts—and then, actions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. John Delony:
  • “We think in pictures, but we speak in words.” (04:44)
  • “You cannot do life by yourself, period.” (06:49)
• Brian Buffini:
  • “Garbage in, garbage out. We never have the opposite, which is good stuff in, good stuff out.” (09:22)
  • “Once you change the thoughts, you can change the actions. And I know this to be true.” (09:40)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:24 – Introduction to “owning your past” as the key to changing your future
• 01:00 – Dr. Delony explains how family and cultural stories shape self-perception
• 02:54 – The critical role of self-talk, influenced by previous research
• 04:00 – Physiological consequences of negative beliefs
• 05:00 – The importance of questioning inherited “pictures” and confronting reality
• 06:39 – Why community is vital for sustainable change
• 07:03 – You can (and must) change your thoughts and actions
• 08:05 – Brian’s reflections on transformation and long-term impact

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Your self-concept is shaped by generations of stories—recognize and challenge the ones that limit you.
• Changing your future requires honest reflection, sometimes forgiveness, and always community.
• Sustainable growth (whether personally or in business) rests on continually changing your thoughts and actions—never in isolation.
• Real, lasting transformation is a journey—not a solo sprint.

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For further details and the full conversation, check out the full episode in the show notes.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to It's a Good Life with Brian Buffini, founder of America's largest business coaching company. Here's a short classic cut from one of our all time favorite episodes.

[B]

Top of the morning to you. Very excited. We have Dr. John DeLoney back in the house today.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I love your work and I think this is right up your alley. So maybe we could talk a little bit about the whole concept of owning your past. To change the future, you know, you've.

[C]

Got to go backwards so you can go forwards. The challenge is that a lot of people do that in their businesses. They won't do it in their marriages and they won't do it in their parenting and they won't do it with why they're so angry at the little league game. And so all of this stuff comes from a collective body. And you and I talked about this a little bit in the last time we were together, a collective body of stories. There's a set of stories that we're born into and these are the ones that our church passes along to us. That this idea that this is just what mom looks like, it's a picture of mom and anything not in that picture is wrong, it's incorrect, it's less than. And we don't even realize that we're downloading those pictures into our minds. They just are right? And then we have the stories that were told, those you know, and it can be everything from can you believe that so and so Susie down the street that she doesn't make dinner every night for her family. And those are stories aren't even about us, but they download into, oh, this is what a wife and mom does. And then there's the more insidious ones that are, oh, honey, when 11 year old girl comes down the stairs, that shirt makes you look pudgy. And you don't you want the boys to think you're pretty, right? And boy, you want boys to like you, right? And he's like, yeah, of course, mom. Let's go change that shirt. Little bitty things that the only way to get somebody to like you is if you look right. And we carry those stories. And then this is where it gets insidious. Brian is over time. The stories were told by our church, by our community, by our government and the churches were told. The stories were told by our uncle about what our body's worth or our coach who lifted us, whatever. Those stories become the stories we tell ourselves. And there's a lot of great research about how most of us think we're Better than average at just about everything. We trust our voice. And when we start telling ourselves, I can see my reflection in the mirror. I'm not attractive. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at being a mom as my mom was. I'm not very good at parenting, or my kid just sucks because it's their fault. Then you start telling your stories yourself in your own voice. And that's when you get that limiting factor that this is just the way we are. This is the way I am. This is quote, unquote, the way things are going to be.

[B]

And you're saying the research is we listen to our own voice the most.

[C]

Oh, we think we are. I don't say we. I don't know. I haven't checked out that research. I'm saying that when we hear ourselves in our own voice, we trust it because we think we are the most trustworthy person in our world.

[B]

Right? So when we say negative things to ourselves, we believe them. You know, I did work 20 years ago with Dr. Shad Helmstetter, who wrote a book, what to say when youn Talk to Yourself.

[C]

What a brilliant concept, man. Beautiful.

[B]

Shad Helmsteadter. And this is back in the 80s. He was a linguist. He taught people how to learn other languages. And he could do it quicker and faster than most people. And he developed little techniques and so on, so forth. And he started realizing the things that people actually say to themselves. And sure enough, he had this massive. Hundreds of thousands of people who lost weight after they read the book. They didn't exercise differently. They didn't eat differently. They just started saying things differently to themselves. Now, it's not.

[C]

It's not voodoo.

[B]

You can't eat crap and not exercise and whatever else.

[C]

But let me. Hey, let me tell you why that's important. When our body. And this is the part that gets left out of the conversation. And Chad stumbled into this in a brilliant way. When our body detects that I'm not being a good mom, it has a cascade of physiological chemicals that surges through its body to try to solve its problems. And those chemicals keep us stressed and fried and cooked. And when I think I'm being less than a dad, when I think my kid isn't performing on the ball field in a way that's going to make me look bad, then I feel out of step with my tribe. My body goes, oh, we can't be out of step. And how does that come out? Rage, Anger, Frustration, Exhaustion. And so these things aren't just thoughts. They have A consequence in our bodies. And we pass them on to our kids, and they pass them on to their kids. And these stuff roll downhill through generations. Man, you got to own these stories. You just got to take ownership. Ask yourself, where's my picture of mom? And can I. I want to do one real thing real quick before we jump into this. We often. This is from William Glasser, a famous psychiatrist from back in the 60s, 70s days. We often think in pictures, but we speak in words. I'll say that again. We think in pictures, but we speak in words. What does that mean? I have a picture of what a good wife is, a good, loving, supportive wife. And my wife has a picture of a good and supportive wife in her head. And the problem comes in, not that she doesn't love me and I don't love her, is I say, I need you to be more loving and supporting. And she says, I'm on it. I will be more loving and more supporting. And what does she do? She makes the picture in her head come alive. And it's different than what I need because she thinks I need to make this place even cleaner and cook even more meals. And I'm thinking, I. I just want you to wear sweats. And let's watch seven episodes of the Office again, right? And what we have to do is we got to paint a new picture, right? And so when you are struggling, when you find those, you got to own your stories. Ask yourself, who put this picture of mom or parenting or right and wrong? Where did I get those stories? The second one is, I've got to acknowledge reality, right? I've got to be honest. And we don't do well with this in our culture, right? I've got to be honest and say, this is what I hope to be, and this is where my life is, right? And we don't do a good job that we love to blame, we love to run around, and sometimes blame is warranted. And then I'm going to say, and then what? Right? So you were hurt. That uncle did abuse you, that coach did bench you for no reason. You were treated differently because of the color of your skin, some kind of crazy. You were treated terrible. And then what? And here we are right now. So you got to own reality. And Brian, that takes grief. You got to grieve that sometimes we have to forgive, which is hard. We've got to have. There's some processes there. And then what am I going to do? No life change in the world, period, bar none. And this is. This is the scientific literature all over the place. No life change of any sort that is sustainable can happen by yourself. I'm a Texan who grew up in Houston and I spent the back half of my life in Lubbock, Texas, where.

[B]

Preach it, brother, preach it.

[C]

We grew the cows and raised them. That we supposed to make the bootstraps out of that I'm supposed to pull myself up by. I get it. You cannot do life by yourself, period. And then once you are connected and you have a community of people that can walk alongside you, that might be one person, it might be a professional for a season, All I can have, the only person I can talk to is a counselor. Great. Or a coach. Great. I'm going to call Brian's coaches and great. Then I'm going to be about changing my thoughts. And we don't know that we can change our thoughts. And you can. Absolutely. And I'm going to change my actions. Those are the only two things on planet Earth I can control. My thoughts and my actions, period. And I'm going to do this over and over and over again. Because right when you get it, that's when mom calls and says, I got cancer. Or that's when your car falls apart or whatever happens. And so you're going to do this over and over again.

[B]

You know, it's interesting, you say, like, 26 years ago, I had a decision to make. You know, I had mentors and people I really admire, people who changed my life. The Zig Ziglars and the Jim Rohns and all these phenomenal presenters and speakers and Og Mandino and all these brilliant people. And I so immersed myself for about 10 years in this stuff, changed my thoughts, changed my actions, transformed myself from the immigrant Irishman to this successful guy in the American system. And then I got opportunities to come and share and I was invited to speak and so on, so forth. And I would go and I would speak at these real estate conferences and there'd be standing ovations and all that stuff. And I'd come away and I realized and I'd follow up with some people and nothing would change. Like, they had the greatest experience. They were all in. They wanted it so bad. And I realized, like, I couldn't do this. Like, I had opportunities then to do the speaking and it wasn't enough for me. Standing ovations weren't my currency. And there's nothing wrong with those. Those are great. People want to show their appreciation. But for me, it had to be tangible, which is six months, a year from now. I wanted to See some kind of change. And I made a choice. And I have the same accounting firm today that I had 26 years ago. And the lead accountant said to me, look, you can go into business and you can speak and do the books and do the cassettes and do all that stuff, which at the time was from my warehouse to yours. That was the business, right? And he says, you'll make a lot more money that way. You'll have a small amount of staff. If there's corrections in the market, if there's recessions and whatever else, you'll be able to handle downturns better and you'll be much more prosperous. And my wife and I, you know, my bride doesn't say very much. When she does, it packs a punch. And she's like, what is it you feel you're supposed to do? And I said, it's supposed to be in the transformation. It's impact and improve the lives of people. And I said, I can impact them from stage, but it's not enough. If we're going to improve them, we need to build all the training and the coaching and the this and that and the other. And it was. And looking back at it now, I have speakers, I've had 100 speakers come through our facility. And they look at it and I tell them, you know, just so you know, this is not for the faint of heart. We're happy to help you. If you want to build something like this, we will help you. But it's a brutal deal. But I had to have the impact. And the only way the impact could happen is that people had to get connected. People had to get connected. And once you're connected, then that lays the groundwork, I believe, to change your thoughts. Then the input, then the podcast and the books and the training and the this. And you can and you know, garbage in, garbage out. We never have the opposite, which is good stuff in, good stuff out. And then once you change the thoughts, look, the mind directs the body. Once you change the thoughts, you can change the actions. And I know this to be true.

[A]

Well, we hope you enjoyed this. Quick cut. Head to the show notes to listen to the full episode. If you'd like to elevate your business to achieve your goals, talk to one of our experts on a free business consultation. Visit it'sagoodlife.com bc to schedule yours today.