Trust me when I say that a home on Indian Creek Island is not for you.

First of all, you’re not a billionaire. But even a billion bucks wouldn’t buy your way onto this island in Florida’s Biscayne Bay. It’s the exclusive domain of such multi-multi-billionaires as Jeff Bezos, Larry Page, Ivanka Trump… and now Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook and Instagram.

Mark, nicknamed “Zuck,” has just paid $170 million for a piece of this very special speck of turf, including a “cottage” with 9 bedrooms, 11 baths, a gym, a massage room, and a 1,500-gallon aquarium. Also, he built-in his own personal hair salon, plus a library with – get this – a secret passageway. No clue as to whether he reads any books, or just uses the passage to escape.

Secondly, you wouldn’t really be happy on Indian Creek Island, because it’s a pretentious fake. This high-value enclave was constructed for low-value hucksters who’ve amassed outrageous fortunes by screwing over masses of workers, competitors, taxpayers, and others. Even the “island” is fake – it’s a man-made landfill built in the Bay so ten very, very rich swells can isolate themselves from us commoners. Also, it’s more of a doomsday compound than a community, with each of the über-rich hunkered down in what’s been dubbed “Billionaire Bunker.”

These demigods of gross inequality can buy any piece of paradise, but then they’re so spooked they lock themselves behind $170-million walls, afraid of their own shadows. So, here’s my free advice to Zuck to soothe his plutocratic trepidations: Steal a little less, practice being slightly likable, maybe downsize to only a $70 million mansion… and live more. You’re welcome.

Do something!

Want to help force billionaires to pay their fair share? Check out Americans for Tax Fairness at americansfortaxfairness.org.

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Despised Billionaires Seek Refuge in Billionaire Bunker